Chapter 1: lets meet the kids i guess
schottjr has created a chat: supersquad™
schottjr has added scarydanvers, sunshinedanvers, notadanvers, and badasslane
scarydanvers: who's notadanvers
notadanvers: im james
scarydanvers: oh ok
scarydanvers: but why
notadanvers: idk winn named us
badasslane: winn why are you making a chat at 2 am
schottjr: the purpose of friendship
schottjr: also seeing if kara is awake bc i need to go on an ice cream run but im lazy
sunshinedanvers: what's up
schottjr: get me ice cream
scarydanvers: that's no way to talk to my sister
schottjr: get me ice cream pls
sunshinedanvers: sure! what kind?
schottjr: half baked
notadanvers: caramel and pls change my name
scarydanvers has changed notadanvers' name to purtyboy
purtyboy: alEX WHAT THE FUCK
scarydanvers: you asked
purtyboy has changed scarydanvers' name to gaymess
gaymess: eXCusE yOU
sunshinedanvers: ok i got the ice cream
gaymess: kara are you texting in midair again
sunshinedanvers: it's time-effective
schottjr: thank god for superspeed thank you thank you
purtyboy: YES BLESSINGS UPON YOU
badasslane: what a pure angel im so glad i know you
gaymess: ok i see how it is kara
gaymess: fakeass sister
gaymess: cannot believe this
sunshinedanvers: i'm here
gaymess: fucking FINALLY
gaymess: not even getting to murder mon-el could keep me from my fudge ice cream
schottjr: whats monel's username
badasslane: lmao 'fuckboi'
schottjr: u serious
badasslane: yah j'onn changed it
gaymess: thanks dad
schottjr has added fuckboi to supersquad™
fuckboi: why am i here at 2 am
badasslane: why is everyone awake at 2 am more like
gaymess: pretty sure winn hacked our phones to max vibrate or something
gaymess: i was so tired i just blacked out with my phone in my pocket
gaymess: and then i got woken up at 2 am by my ass vibrating
schottjr: bet you wish it had been maggie huh
gaymess: really reconsidering not murdering you schott
schottjr: pax pax pax
sunshinedanvers: calm down you two
fuckboi: oh hey kara
sunshinedanvers: what's up?
fuckboi: i was wondering if you were free tomorrow night for dinner
gaymess: no shes busy
gaymess: i already sent in an order for four hundred potstickers
sunshinedanvers: oh yeah just remembered i'm busy
schottjr: how much do you get paid
gaymess: what? nah
gaymess: lena luthor's paying
purtyboy: she's WHTA
purtyboy: i fell asleep but then i read those words and now i am wide aswake
purtyboy: when the FUCK did this happen
gaymess has removed fuckboi from the chat
gaymess: since five seconds ago i literally just texted lena
gaymess: i was like
gaymess: 'hey we're planning a celebration for kara'
gaymess: and she was like: 'potstickers? i'll pay. how much do you need?'
sunshinedanvers: that's so nice!
schottjr: im fucKING HOWLING
purtyboy: she FKNIUG; DID ;ATHA
gaymess: i now have access to a 3 billion dollar bank account
sunshinedanvers: alex! don't take advantage!
gaymess: ive always wanted a bonsai tree
gaymess has created a chat: lesbihonest
gaymess has added bonsaicop and Lena.Luthor
bonsaicop: your username is painful to look at
bonsaicop: nah babe
Lena.Luthor: How so?
bonsaicop: sweet JESUS SHE CAPITALIZED IT AND ADDED PUNCATUATION
bonsaicop: WE'RE TEXTIN LUTHOR ASDGFD
bonsaicop has changed Lena.Luthor's name to sunshinehoe
bonsaicop: its a JOKE
bonsaicop: cause of your giant gay crush on my gfs sister
sunshinehoe has left the chat lesbihonest
bonsaicop: k lmao sore topic i guess
bonsaicop has added sunshinehoe to lesbihonest
bonsaicop: cant just run from your problems that easily luthor
sunshinehoe: Watch me.
sunshinehoe has left the chat lesbihonest
bonsaicop has added sunshinehoe to lesbihonest
sunshinehoe has left the chat lesbihonest
bonsaicop has added sunshinehoe to lesbihonest
sunshinehoe: Leave me ALONE.
gaymess: its ok i respect ur big gay crush on my sister
gaymess: and ur willingness to turn over ur credit card lmao
sunshinehoe: I'm leaving now.
sunshinehoe has left the chat lesbihonest
bonsaicop: think we made a pretty solid first impression
gaymess: wasnt your first impression when you arrested her
bonsaicop: fair point
bonsaicop: why are we texting at 3:02 am
gaymess: idk why are you awake
bonsaicop: cause i love you and i wanted to make sure you didn't need anything
gaymess: aw love you too
bonsaicop: [kissing emoji]
gaymess: see you at work?
bonsaicop: lmao actually im gonna go try to arrest lena again to force her to talk about her feelings
gaymess: this is why im dating you
Chapter 2: kara gets drunk and alex is domestic
don't worry, maggie isn't dead. she'll show up next time
gaymess: its time
sunshinedanvers: time for what
gaymess: to add her
gaymess: sunshinehoe, awaken
gaymess has added sunshinehoe to supersquad™
sunshinehoe: What do you want?
sunshinedanvers: hi! i'm kara!
sunshinehoe: Sorry, I dropped my phone.
sunshinehoe: This is Lena, by the way.
sunshinehoe: How are you, Kara?
sunshinedanvers: i'm great!!!
sunshinehoe: That's good to hear!
sunshinedanvers: do you want to go out to noonan's today?
sunshinehoe: I'd love to! What time?
sunshinedanvers: 12:30 sound good?
sunshinehoe: Absolutely! I'll see you there!
sunshinehoe: Jess, can you rearrange my schedule?
rainbowjess: having another platonic lunch with kara again, ms. luthor?
sunshinehoe: Is that an overtone of sass in your message?
rainbowjess: never, ms. luthor.
sunshinehoe: Well, in that case, you are correct. I am meeting Kara for a friendly lunch at 12:30.
rainbowjess: i'll move maxwell lord's appointment, then.
sunshinehoe: MAXWELL LORD?
rainbowjess: yes. i'll just be shifting him over a few notches in my 'never going to happen' meeting list.
rainbowjess: no, actually. you have a meeting with the german investors. i'll be calling them in a moment, shift them to tomorrow.
sunshinehoe: Thank you, Jess. Please do remember to take a break.
rainbowjess: as if i could.
sunshinehoe: Two of a kind, I suppose.
rainbowjess: enjoy your lunch, ms. luthor.
sunshinehoe: I'm meeting your sister soon and I was wondering if flowers might be an appropriate touch.
gaymess: and they call me the gay mess
gaymess: yellow acacia and mountain laurels
sunshinehoe: Thank you, Ms. Danvers.
gaymess: oh FUCK NO
gaymess: contrary to popular belief, im not fifty years old
gaymess: call me alex you uptight piece of garbage
sunshinehoe: Alright, Alex.
gaymess: and for gods sake, stop typing like ur writing a fuckn eulogy. stop with the capitalisation
sunshinehoe: It's for politeness' sake.
la sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
gaymess: whats up
sunshinedanvers: she brouighte me foklowers
gaymess: yup sure did
sunshinedanvers: and her eyse are wo prestty
gaymess: are you drunk
sunshinedanvers: on lOVE
gaymess: goddammit mon-el
gaymess: ill come pick you up
sunshinedanvers: il ove uu
gaymess: [eyeroll emoji]
gaymess: [heart emoji]
sunshinedanvers: [death emoji]
sunshinedanvers: ilove youuuuuu aleesxx
gaymess: not sure if i want kara to drunk-text lena or not
gaymess: why are you still up?
sunshinehoe: I'm working.
sunshinehoe: What about you?
gaymess: tracking down my drunkass sister
gaymess: if she comes to your office i honestly wouldn't be surprised
sunshinehoe: Why so?
gaymess: idk man it sure does sound like she likes you
sunshinehoe: aihekbmn xasdgfd
sunshinehoe: hio;ii alllexx
gaymess: WHAT IS HAPPENING
sunshinehoe: shhhh im lena now
sunshinehoe: idk maybe im floating
sunshinehoe: thats a bad wodr aslexx
purtyboy: alex can you give me a ride back from catco
gaymess: sure but first i have to keep kara from outing herself to lena
sunshinehoe: wihos hgettnig outewjkd
gaymess: how did you get even drunker
purtyboy: is that lena?
gaymess: fuck DELETE DELETE
sunshinehoe: i thinkshe dhjropped ger phiojne
sunshinehoe: got the phone back
sunshinehoe: just gonna delete all chat history then give it back to lena
gaymess: alright james im outside catco
purtyboy: awesome ur the best
gaymess: i know
gaymess: i have drunk kara with me
schottjr: i will pay you MONEY to tickle her and take a video
gaymess: NO I JUST GOT IT CLEANED UP AFTER THE LAST INCIDEENT
gaymess: what did you SAY
gaymess: i dare you to say that to my face
schottjr: got it. backing off.
sunshinehoe: What is happening?
gaymess: nothing you dropped your phone and kara got hit in the head with it
gaymess: shes ok
sunshinehoe: I'm on the seventeenth floor.
gaymess: she has a thick skull
sunshinedanvers: i HEARDST HAT
gaymess: shes still iffy
sunshinedanvers: I HEARTD TAWHKB TOOP
purtyboy: stop ttwexxting as youi go forty on am otorcyclke with twso passengers
gaymess: we go hard in this crew olsen go big or go home
purtyboy: HOW ARE YOUIT TEXTING WITHUUT LOOKING AT HRGE SCREEN
gaymess: finger coordination at this level is only granted to lesbians sorry james
purtyboy: you know gwaht thats tpretty isjklegendary even if uyoui goingt os fast io kl can;t tyope
purtyboy: fuiajkc slow dpowkjnam!!!!!!
gaymess: go hard or go home buddy
gaymess: just so you know we're here
gaymess: bc you haven't opened your eyes in the past five minutes
purtyboy: [middle finger emoji]
gaymess: love ya
gaymess: ok kara lets get you home and tuck you in
gaymess: i have a few kinds of ibuprofen and a lot of vegan fake chicken noodle soup
gaymess: god when did i get so unproblematic
Chapter 3: a look into the life of lena 'gayass' luthor
dedicated to @robie and their gf for being pure
also maggie and lena bond for life am i right
sunshinehoe: And I'm up!
rainbowjess: good morning, ms. luthor
sunshinehoe: Good morning, Jess!
rainbowjess: an exclamation point? incredible
sunshinehoe: Please contain the sass, Jess.
rainbowjess: hold on here's kara with my coffee what an angel
rainbowjess: ok. down to business.
rainbowjess: yeah kara comes every morning with coffee for both of us while i unlock the doors
rainbowjess: she also colour-coded your entire schedule
sunshinehoe: So that was her?
rainbowjess: pretty, isn't it
sunshinehoe: Do you think
sunshinehoe: She'd mind if perhaps
sunshinehoe: I happened to
rainbowjess: she just asked me about you hold up im calling you
sunshinehoe: Wait, Jess, no!
Jess to Lena Luthor
Jess: Ms. Luthor. Wonderful day, isn't it?
Lena: Oh, yes. Very good.
[sounds of angelic laughter]
Jess: Well, I imagine it's about to be better.
Kara: Hi, Lena!
Kara: What are you up to?
Lena: [with fake affected casualness] Oh, you know. Just finding an outfit for the day.
Kara: Well, you look gorgeous in anything, so-
[a clunk sound, as if someone might have dropped their phone. faintly strangled sounds]
Kara: Lena? Are you alright?
Lena: I'm- [muttered] fuck- fine, of course. Sorry.
Kara: Not at all! Hey, I was thinking we might want to try this boba tea place in town that Jess highly recommends. What do you say?
Lena: [breathily] Oh, absolutely. Sounds marvellous, Kara.
Kara: Okay! Lunchtime, then?
Lena: Of course.
Kara: It's a date.
[sound of a phone dropping from a frozen hand. a click; Jess hangs up]
Lena: [pauses] [very quietly in the distance] Fuck.
sunshinehoe: I require immediate assistance.
bonsaicop: whats up
sunshinehoe: Kara said it was a date.
bonsaicop: relationship shit
bonsaicop: fuck. lemme pour some caffeine down my throat first.
bonsaicop: k. whats up kiddo
sunshinehoe: Kara asked me out.
bonsaicop: FOR REAL;LMNGKAL???????????????
sunshinehoe: Well, kind of. She said 'Hey, I was thinking we might want to try this boba tea place in town that Jess highly recommends. What do you say?'
sunshinehoe: And then I said 'Yes' and she said 'It's a date.'
bonsaicop: did you have that copy-pasted on your phone
sunshinehoe: Give me advice, please.
bonsaicop: lmao be urself or whatever
bonsaicop: bring her roses or some romantic thing. pay for it. be gay
sunshinehoe: That's not helpful.
bonsaicop: u asked bitch
sunshinehoe: Oh. Okay. Sorry.
bonsaicop: whoa no didnt mean the 'bitch' sorry youre not a bitch ily luthor
sunshinehoe: Oh. Thank you.
bonsaicop: god why are all of us so emotionally stunted
bonsaicop: k lena listen up kiddo
bonsaicop: ur about to get some premium maggie sawyer advice™ for free
bonsaicop: first? let her kick ur ass at something
bonsaicop: second? stand a little too close to her
bonsaicop: three? p sure shes in love w you so stop wasting time
bonsaicop: four? kara danvers loves cliches
bonsaicop: kiss her in the rain or some gay bullshit like that or tell her you love her in the middle of noonan's like a goddamn nerd
bonsaicop: she seems like a sucker for coffee shops. can u pull fake dating off tho
bonsaicop: never mind.
bonsaicop: listen kid ur pretty lovable no matter what u think
bonsaicop: also u should smile more often
bonsaicop: kara drunk-texted me once about ur smile
bonsaicop: its too early for this gay shit
bonsaicop: just say something to her
sunshinehoe: But I don't deserve her.
bonsaicop: y'know what. my place, 9 pm. gonna give u the hardcore pep talk u obviously never got.
bonsaicop: dont make me say it again, kid. im gonna boost the fuck out of ur self-esteem. that shits gonna go sky-high
bonsaicop: cool. for now, buy her some roses. smile. be urself. if she kisses u, kiss her back.
sunshinehoe: Thank you, Maggie.
bonsaicop: no problem, kiddo
sunshinedanvers: original or blackberry-kale
gaymess: what kind of bullshit is blackberry-kale
sunshinedanvers: nevermind lena bought me both
sunshinedanvers: it's actually really good
gaymess: how does lena afford buying u so much food
sunshinedanvers: she's a ceo alex
gaymess: whats ur net worth
sunshinedanvers: alex thats rude!!!!
sunshinehoe: No, it's fine.
sunshinehoe: I believe as of yesterday it was $4.20 billion dollars
schottjr: BLAZE IT
gaymess: have you been here the whole time
schottjr: no thats an automatic code recogniser
gaymess: is that a fancy way to say that everytime someone says 420 ur account automatically sends 'blaze it'
schottjr: BLAZE IT
schottjr: yep pretty much
sunshinehoe: That is a curious use of technology.
schottjr: you literally gave kara free top-level wifi for the next 100 years you dont have the right to say that shit
sunshinedanvers: that was you?
sunshinehoe: Well... yes.
sunshinehoe: You mentioned something about the Internet being down before you could send your report, so I thought I might just help you out.
badasslane: get urself a gf like that
sunshinehoe: I am going to abhjgkl;sfjkhmbnckbvnbhjk
sunshinedanvers: what's wrong?
sunshinehoe: Oh, nothing.
sunshinehoe: SHE GRABBED MY HAND
sunshinehoe: WE'RE HOLDING HANDS MAGGIE WE'RE HOLDING HANDS
bonsaicop: THEN FOR GOOD GOD TALK TO HER INSTEAD OF TEXTING ME
sunshinehoe: YOU'RE RIGHT SHE'S SO PRETTY WOW BYE
Chapter 4: feelings and that garbage
awkward things transpire yay
bonsaicop: pepperoni or cheese or meat or vegan
gaymess: anything but vegan god save us all
sunshinehoe: Vegan sounds lovely, please.
bonsaicop: take an example alex
bonsaicop: also this is a one-on-one tho i will bring you pizza afterwards
gaymess: then make your OWN chat goddammit
bonsaicop has created a chat: premium maggie sawyer advice™
bonsaicop has added sunshinehoe
bonsaicop: ok u want anything to drink
sunshinehoe: If you'd like, I can bring some wine.
bonsaicop: sure whatever you want
bonsaicop: also you sound even tenser than usual
bonsaicop: pull that stick out of ur ass luthor its time for a heart to heart
bonsaicop: u don't have to be scared, i'm not gonna arrest you again or whatever
sunshinehoe: I'm not scared.
bonsaicop: ok if you'd rather i can have kara do it and u can talk about your feelings with her instead
sunshinehoe: I'm not ready. Not yet. And not for that.
bonsaicop: i was just messing with you, kid
bonsaicop: ok pizza's here
sunshinehoe: That fast?
bonsaicop: yeah i live one block away
bonsaicop: there u are i'll buzz u up
la sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
sunshinedanvers: alex do you know where lena is
gaymess: jesus calm the fuck down
gaymess: shes at maggies theyre having a bonding session
gaymess: yeah where else would she be
sunshinedanvers: i dunno she just usually never gets out this early
sunshinedanvers: most of the time she stays until 1 am or something
sunshinedanvers: once she pulled an all-nighter
gaymess: [winky face emoji]
gaymess: so you've been paying attention to that, havent you
sunshinedanvers: well, yeah. its my job as a friend
gaymess: 'friend' lmao
gaymess: your gay ass wants to marry her don't even lie
sunshinedanvers: actually, alex, i'm a bi
sunshinedanvers: THAT RHYMED ALEX
gaymess: sisters in SYNC
gaymess: ur bi ass wants to marry her
sunshinedanvers: and i might
sunshinedanvers: like her
sunshinedanvers: more than a friend would
sunshinedanvers: but she doesn't feel the same way
gaymess: SCREENSHOTTED IM CRYIGN
gaymess: WAHT THE FUCK
gaymess: 'SEH DOESNT' FEEL TJHE SAME WAY'
gaymess: oh honey
gaymess: ur so wrong i cant believe it
gaymess: except it isnt my right to tell u so bye
gaymess: 'she doesn't feel the same way' lFUCKINGmao
bonsaicop: ok lena has been enlightened
gaymess: take A FUCKLN LOOK
bonsaicop: what is thaafldsgjkhbjn
bonsaicop: holyi oukmgc lshawrt
bonsaicop: she doesnt 'feel thgj sname wey iom diynkg
gaymess: I KMPWO RIGHTN
gaymess: THAKJT,S WHAE I SAID
bonsaicop: i juits atlked ot lena about her fleilngs jfc
bonsaicop: im LIVING
bonsaicop: tish dramsa
bonsaicop: we gotta get lena and monhel into a chat together
bonsaicop: and everyone who likes kara
gaymess: on it lmaoooo
gaymess has created a chat: kara's romantic interests
gaymess has added sunshinehoe, schottjr, purtyboy, and fuckboi
gaymess: consider this a test of survival in order to secure karas hand
sunshinehoe: What is happening?
gaymess: oh wait. one more thing
gaymess has added sunshinedanvers
sunshinedanvers: hi alex! what's happening?
gaymess: youll figure out soon lmao
sunshinedanvers: hi lena!
sunshinedanvers: are you busy tomorrow?
sunshinehoe: I'm always busy.
gaymess: that somehow expressed even more disappointment than monels entire speech
sunshinehoe: But I always have time for you, Kara.
gaymess: and thats my cue to leave
gaymess has left the chat
sunshinehoe: 7 PM, Louis's?
sunshinedanvers: of course!!!
fuckboi: w8 i thot u were going out w me
sunshinedanvers: no??? i don't remember that?
fuckboi: i asked u 2 months ago if u were busy
sunshinedanvers: and then?? you didn't?? say anything????
fuckboi: yah but i thot we were going out on a d8
sunshinedanvers: we're??? not??? dating????
sunshinedanvers: where did you get that idea
fuckboi: bc u sed u liked me
sunshinedanvers: i said that maybe you were a good person deep down
fuckboi: but u practically sed u wanted to d8
schottjr: oh fuck off
sunshinedanvers: frickle frackle the heck away you son of a gosh-darned brownie
sunshinedanvers has removed fuckboi from kara's romantic interests
sunshinedanvers: wait this chat is
sunshinedanvers has changed kara's romantic interests to kara and her buddies
sunshinehoe: YEP THAT'S MORE ACCURATE
schottjr: SOUNDS GREAT
purtyboy: PRETTY AWESOME
sunshinedanvers: i'll see you tomorrow, lena?
sunshinehoe: Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Chapter 5: supportive mums maggie and alex ft. lena
with a surprise visit from mxy
kara and her buddies
mxythefabulous has forcibly entered the chat
mxythefabulous: why was i not invited to this
gaymess has entered the chat
gaymess: bc nobody likes u
mxythefabulous: on the level of monel?
gaymess: nah we all hate monhell with u its just vague dislike
gaymess: chill ur character never even had a purpose in our story arcs
mxythefabulous: kara's home should i bring her flowers
gaymess: bitch i hope the FUCK you do
gaymess: youd be a dead son of a bitch i tell u that
mxythefabulous: is that a meme
gaymess: dont discount it i'll still beat ur interdimensional ass
mxythefabulous: got it
premium maggie sawyer advice™
sunshinehoe: Were you sleeping?
sunshinehoe: Oh, well I won't bother you then.
bonsaicop: no no no what's up?
sunshinehoe: I'm at work, and I think that someone's outside. Waiting for me.
bonsaicop: a threat?
sunshinehoe: Yes. I think.
bonsaicop: be there in five. don't come down, stay away from windows.
bonsaicop: ALEX I KNOW YOURE STILL AT WORK
bonsaicop: BUT I NEED YOU TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW
gaymess: why whats up is it something w kara
gaymess: i'll meet you two blocks away from lcorp
gaymess: national ave
bonsaicop: got it
schottjr: holy shit that was so badass alex
purtyboy: why what happened
schottjr: legit there was an alien and it grabbed lena and alex just shot it in the face
purtyboy: wait how did you know that
schottjr: a very legal affair involving the city cctv
schottjr: is lena ok
gaymess: yeah she'll be ok
gaymess: i sent a guy in w some maggie sawyer vegan fake chicken noodle soup
gaymess: she'll be better in twenty minutes
gaymess: that stuff works wonders
sunshinehoe: Maggie, she's so pretty.
bonsaicop: not this again
gaymess: pancakes are ready and ur coffee's done
bonsaicop: have i told u i love u yet today
bonsaicop: well, i love u with the whole wide world honbun
gaymess: ma cœur
sunshinehoe: 'Not this again', she says.
bonsaicop: shut up
sunshinehoe: Oh. Okay.
bonsaicop: FUCK i didnt mean it talk all u want
bonsaicop: anyways what were u saying
sunshinehoe: Oh. Yes! She's so pretty.
bonsaicop: i thought u said u sent in a guy
gaymess: i did
sunshinehoe: Oh? Well, Kara must have intercepted him on her way in.
gaymess: kara wtf
sunshinehoe: Your soup is wonderful, Maggie. Thank you.
bonsaicop: always a pleasure
gaymess: aw ur smiling at ur phone
gaymess: your dimples are so cute
gaymess: also we're in the same room why are we texting
bonsaicop: for lena's benefit
sunshinehoe: Suddenly, I am taking my first sick day in five years. Excuse me.
bonsaicop: lmao kara
gaymess: what can i say my sister is persistent
sunshinehoe: Her smile is so pretty. I can't say no to her.
gaymess: what is this a one direction song
la sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
sunshinedanvers: she's so GORGEOUS alex
sunshinedanvers: she makes me want to
sunshinedanvers: i dunno
sunshinedanvers: do something really dramatic
gaymess: something really dramatic?
gaymess: spare me
sunshinedanvers: shut up alex
gaymess: okay nerd
sunshinedanvers: wait before you go
sunshinedanvers: the zoo or the amusement park
gaymess: amusement park
gaymess: maybe you can kiss at the top of the ferris wheel
gaymess: and she'll say, 'ah, kara'
gaymess: 'how beautiful you look tonight'
gaymess: 'i have nothing but the utmost desire'
gaymess: 'to kisaiubkhiljolhahvjghbknfjghcfgjhvjbkn
gaymess: did u really text maggie to come slap me
gaymess: fakeass sister
gaymess: good luck on ur date
sunshinedanvers: it's not a date alex!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gaymess: whatever u say lmao
gaymess: im breaking up with you
bonsaicop: [frowny face emoji]
gaymess: lmao nerd it was a joke
bonsaicop: hows ur date with kara going
sunshinehoe: It's not a date.
bonsaicop: u sure
sunshinehoe: I'm 93.4% sure it's not a date.
bonsaicop: that's my girl
Chapter 6: the dad has arrived
space dad, l-corp drama, and mutual pining
ok so the first version of this chapter i released was really problematic and so i took that part down and i'm sorry for even thinking it was a good story so here's a slightly better ending
spacedad has entered the chat
sunshinedanvers: hi dad!
gaymess: hey dad
spacedad: you left your backpack at the deo again.
gaymess: ok i'll get it later
spacedad: kara, mon-el is at the deo again.
sunshinedanvers: ugh not this again
gaymess: monhell keeps asking kara out
spacedad: i'll take care of it.
sunshinedanvers: thanks dad!
schottjr: waht is tehre areason j'onn is beatign the livings hit out of monel aagin
schottjr: alkso im runnign as i wriet this exvuse the spellkjg
gaymess: hes being a little bitch again
gaymess: have u seen pam
gaymess: youre at the deo right
bonsaicop: idk i think pam's at lcorp
gaymess: why the fuck is she at lcorp
gaymess: isn't she supposed to be handling hr
bonsaicop: something about a long-held 'friendship' with jess the secretary
gaymess: jess the secretary?
bonsaicop: 79% sure they're dating
gaymess: lmao really
bonsaicop: their conversations are flirty as hell
bonsaicop: 'hey, jeeessssss. what can i do for ya today?'
bonsaicop: 'oh, nothing much. just checking up on you.'
bonsaicop: 'well, i'm real good. i know last night sure helped, huh?'
gaymess: are you serious
bonsaicop: 100% authentic overheard conversation
gaymess: is everyone at the deo gay
rainbowjess: yes, ms. luthor?
sunshinehoe: I've been meaning to ask this for a long time...
sunshinehoe: Is there actually anyone else in this chat?
sunshinehoe: I mean, it's called L-Corp, but I've never actually seen anyone else use it.
rainbowjess: yes the entirety of everyone working at l-corp can see it
rainbowjess: and before you ask, that includes everything you've ever said about your crush
rainbowjess: say hi guys
scienceguy: hi ms. luthor
sciencegal: hi ms. luthor
itsjustrocketscience: hi ms. luthor
labcoat69: hi ms. luthor
thecoffeeguy: hi ms. luthor
savejess2k17: hi ms. luthor
barackobama: hi ms. luthor
screaminginscience: hi ms. luthor
jantheman: hi ms. luthor
alliehearts: hi ms. luthor
nerdyhot: hi ms. luthor
dyingllama: hi ms. luthor
roseandrosie: hi ms. luthor
thelonglostkardashian: hi ms. luthor
themumfriend: hi ms. luthor
aliceandco: hi ms. luthor
bringmedonuts: hi ms. luthor
gaysforlizards: hi ms. luthor
doctorlady: hi ms. luthor
sciencegal: we just want you to know that we support you no matter what
sciencegal: and we're rooting for you and kara all the way
sunshinehoe: Thank you.
gaymess: when are you going to tell my sister how u feel about her
bonsaicop: i was planning on tomorrow, do something romantic, propose
gaymess: i wasnt talking to u and u know that fuckhead
bonsaicop: yeah but it's still funny
sunshinehoe: About that....
gaymess: did you DO IT
gaymess: When is it going to happen??????
sunshinehoe: How about never?
bonsaicop: jfc you're sassy today
bonsaicop: who pissed on your lawn
gaymess: sawyer what kind of weirdass expression is that
bonsaicop: let me live my life danvers
sunshinehoe: She doesn't feel that way. Not about me, and I'd rather never tell her than lose her forever.
sunshinehoe has left the chat lesbihonest
bonsaicop: i have a sneaking suspicion i know what this is about
bonsaicop: i'm heading over to lcorp now
la sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
sunshinedanvers: alex please it's important
gaymess: what's up
sunshinedanvers: a super emergency came up
sunshinedanvers: i thought i could handle it but it's
sunshinedanvers: lasting really long
sunshinedanvers: lena and i made plans
gaymess: maggie's already at lcorp
gaymess: do you need backup
sunshinedanvers: i think i'll be okay
sunshinedanvers: almost got him
sunshinedanvers: it's under control
gaymess: you're okay?
sunshinedanvers: of course
sunshinedanvers: i just feel really bad
gaymess: hey sis
gaymess: it's not your fault, okay?
sunshinedanvers: i know, i was just looking forward to it
gaymess: maggie says she's got it
gaymess: and that u should probably go apologise tomorrow
sunshinedanvers: i messed up
gaymess: it's not your fault
gaymess: i'll buy you pizza and we can find what kind of flowers you should bring
gaymess: you could always just kiss her and solve all of your relationship problems in one go
gaymess: no more moping, and then you can kiss her whenever you want
sunshinedanvers: you have a point
gaymess: i know
gaymess: im a genius remember
sunshinedanvers: shut up
sunshinedanvers: be over in five
gaymess: fly safe, kara
sunshinedanvers: i will
Chapter 7: supersquad, broadway edition
a godawful rendition of hamilton and also heathers the musical if you haven't heard the soundtrack go listen to it it's beautiful (pun fucking intended) also the song alex yells is called 'candy store' and i am GAY for jessica keenan wynn
schottjr: guess what i have
schottjr: [middle finger emoji]
schottjr's name has been changed to notthrowingawaymyschott
notthrowingawaymyschott: HAMILTON TICKETS BABY
badasslane: are you KIDDING MEA
purtyboy: HOW DD YOU GETE HAMKNJTONJ TIKCMETS????
notthrowingawaymyschott: its a secret
gaymess: lmao who bribed u
notthrowingawaymyschott: shocked and offended
notthrowingawaymyschott: also why arent you more impressed
gaymess: lena has a box in the theatre we see it w maggie sometimes
notthrowingawaymyschott: ARE OYU FUCIJK KIEDDING ME
sunshinedanvers: and you have kept this from me?
sunshinehoe: Calm down.
notthrowingawaymyschott: LIKE FKUCJK I XALM DOWWNM
gaymess: its 4:20
notthrowingawaymyschott: BLAZE IT
notthrowingawaymyschott: fuck u alex danvers
gaymess: thats what she said
gaymess: [smirky face emoji]
sunshinehoe: On the day Winn goes, I'll take the rest of you to the box.
sunshinedanvers: I LOVE YOU
gaymess: u dropped ur phone didnt you
sunshinehoe: [annoyed face emoji]
sunshinedanvers: WE'RE GONNA SEE HAMILTON I'M SO EXCITED
notthrowingawaymyschott: you know what this means
notthrowingawaymyschott has created a chat: broadway squad
notthrowingawaymyschott has added badasslane, purtyboy, gaymess, spacedad, sunshinedanvers, and sunshinehoe
purtyboy: AND PEGGY
badasslane: THE SCHUYLER SISTERS
sunshinedanvers: ANGELICA NO
badasslane: ANGELICA YES
badasslane: i been reading common sense by thomas paine, some men say that im intense or im insane, you wanna revolution i wanna revelation so listen to my DECLARATION
purtyboy: WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF EVIDENT THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL
badasslane: AND WHEN I MEET TJEFFS
badasslane: IMMA COMPEL HIM TO
sunshinedanvers: INCLUDE WOMEN IN THE SEQUEL
badasslane: and now its time for a REMIX
gaymess: are we gonna have a problem
gaymess: u gotta bone to pick
gaymess: youve come so far
gaymess: why now are you pulLING ON MY DICK
gaymess: id normally slap ur face off
gaymess: and everyone here could watch
gaymess: but im feeling nice, heres some advice
gaymess: listen up BIOTCH
sunshinedanvers: duh-dum duh dah duh-dum da duh dum da duh duh da duh DAH
badasslane: I LIKE
gaymess: lookin hot
notthrowingawaymyschott: buyin stuff they cannot
badasslane: I LIKE
gaymess: drinkin hard
gaymess: maxing dad's credit card
purtyboy: I LIKE
gaymess: skippin gym
gaymess: screwing her, scaring him
notthrowingawaymyschott: I LIKE
gaymess: killer clothes
gaymess: kickin NERDS in the NOSE
sunshinedanvers: what time is it
sunshinedanvers: showtime, showtime YO
sunshinedanvers: i'm john laurens, and i'm super gay
sunshinedanvers: i'm seeing the love of my life on this very day
sunshinedanvers: his name is
notthrowingawaymyschott: ALEXANDER HAMILTON
sunshinedanvers: and he's bi as heck
sunshinedanvers: i'll never forget the first time we met
badasslane: I WANNA TAKE HIM FAR AWAY FROM THIS PLACE
sunshinedanvers: THEN I TURN AND SEE MY SISTER'S FACE AND SHE IS
sunshinedanvers: AND I KNOOOOOOOOOW SHE IS
sunshinedanvers: and her EYEEEESSS are just
sunshinedanvers: AND I REALIZE
gaymess: THREE FUNDAMENTAL TRUTHS
badasslane: AT THE EXACT SAME TIME
purtyboy: NUMBER ONE
badasslane: i can be beautiful
badasslane: i hope and i PRAAAAAYY
gaymess: life can be beautiful
badasslane: and i swear someday
gaymess: i will be beautiful
gaymess: lets make her beautiful
spacedad: john laurens died fighting slavery, the epitome of bravery. he was a good man. i hope you can continue his legacy.
purtyboy: i have so much work to do.
gaymess: I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON
notthrowingawaymyschott: idk about you guys but im winded
notthrowingawaymyschott: this chat has served its purpose
badasslane: to be broadway garbage?
gaymess: ding ding ding got it in one
notthrowingawaymyschott: i'll see you in two weeks at the THEATRE
badasslane: idk bout yall but im flying back for this
sunshinedanvers: we're gonna see hamilton!!!!
Chapter 8: sanvers sanvers sanvers
i'm DYING hope y'all like sanvers cause i love them also supercorp makes a brief appearance
sunshinehoe: Okay, she's here- what do I DO?
gaymess: pull her chair out for her
bonsaicop: smile at her you nerd your smile is nice
sunshinehoe: But I already do that whenever I see her.
gaymess: spare me from this garbage
bonsaicop: shut up, you
gaymess: [pouty emoji]
sunshinehoe: She's looking around for me now. What do I do?
gaymess: give her the flowers and do that weird flirty cheek touch
sunshinehoe: The weird flirty cheek touch?
gaymess: y'know. the universally gay one.
sunshinehoe: Got it.
la sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
sunshinedanvers: SHE DID THE CHEEK TOUCH
sunshinedanvers: and she looks so PRETTY
sunshinedanvers: and she's been acting super flirty all night
gaymess: like what
sunshinedanvers: when she did the cheek touch
sunshinedanvers: her hand just?
sunshinedanvers: and i'm pretty sure she winked at me at least once
sunshinedanvers: and oh she's just coming back from the bathroom
gaymess: update me later u nerd enjoy ur date
bonsaicop: how's the date going
sunshinehoe: So so well. Kara keeps smiling so I think I'm doing well?
bonsaicop: oh honey
bonsaicop: let out that natural charm of yours
bonsaicop: i helped you pick out that dress so use it to your advantage
bonsaicop: also kara's decently oblivious so you can go ahead with the blatant flirting i know you're so fond of
bonsaicop: wink at her, make some subtle remark, compliment her, be the sweet soft gay that i see within
bonsaicop: feel free to make some sex jokes too
bonsaicop: chill i was joking
bonsaicop: though if you'd like to i'm sure kara would appreciate it
sunshinehoe: Stop meddling in my love life.
bonsaicop: lmao you wish
la sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
sunshinedanvers: alex she's so PRETTY i can't talk
sunshinedanvers: also i'm p sure she's flirting with me bc she keeps doing this
sunshinedanvers: seductive kind of look
sunshinedanvers: or maybe that's just me
gaymess: or maybe youre fukn OBLIVIOUS AS HELL
sunshinedanvers: ok ok she's coming back text you in a minute she's walking me home
sunshinedanvers: she's so sweet!
gaymess: go be bi
sunshinedanvers: can do
sunshinedanvers: HOLY FREAKING HECK
gaymess: what what what
sunshinedanvers: SHE KISSED ME
sunshinedanvers: ON THE CHEEK BUT STILL
sunshinedanvers: HER LIPS ARE SO SOFT
sunshinedanvers: SHE SMELLS LIKE JASMINES
gaymess: ALSO COME INTO THE APARTMENT BEFORE YOU START BLABBERING I WANT TO HEAR THIS
gaymess: a cheek kiss? LEGENDARY
bonsaicop: so horribly oblivious
bonsaicop: i just heard lena yelling about it for two hours
bonsaicop: and speaking of
bonsaicop: lena told me we should stop meddling in her love life
gaymess: we probably should huh
bonsaicop: are we going to?
gaymess: u kidding? fuck no
gaymess: this is like my prime entertainment ever since you shot our tv
bonsaicop: that was NOT my fault
gaymess: oh yeah u just '''''accidentally''''' pulled the trigger huh
bonsaicop: its not like i would have traded your life for the sake of the tv
bonsaicop: if it had been my soy protein food manufacturing extruder though?
gaymess: shut the hell up sawyer
gaymess: i still havent recovered from the vegan ice cream debacle
bonsaicop: aw babe you know i wouldn't trade you for anything
bonsaicop: i love you
gaymess: ok time for a really short feelings share
gaymess: i'm really in love with you
gaymess: you're one of the best things that's ever happened to me and i'm grateful for you and your dimples because you make my life so much better
gaymess: and i love you so much and when i'm with you i feel like i'm in heaven and you make me feel so loved and i am so grateful to you for everything you've done for me
gaymess: and it's kind of indescribable the way i feel about you but you're so amazing that when you kiss me i feel like i could actually say it
gaymess: i love you so so much and you have changed my life for the better and i want you to always always always be in it
gaymess: feelings share is over no more no saying anything else lmao gay what feelings? i don't have feelings
gaymess: joking i don't actually care about u that much lmao funny hahaha
bonsaicop: i would text what i'm thinking right now but i want you to hear it
bonsaicop: i'll be there in three
bonsaicop: god i'm so in love with you it's fucking ridiculous
Chapter 9: fuckn finally
also bet u don't expect the ending lmao
sunshinehoe: Kara's coming over tonight.
sunshinehoe: We're having dinner at my apartment.
sunshinehoe: We're ordering pizza and potstickers.
sunshinehoe: Then we're going to eat ice cream.
sunshinehoe: And then I'm going to tell her how I feel about her.
bonsaicop: I'M SORRY DID I MISREAD SOMETHING
sunshinehoe: Here's the thing:
sunshinehoe: Kara has never been anything but kind to me, regardless of whether I deserved it.
bonsaicop: you do, lena
sunshinehoe: Let me finish.
sunshinehoe: And I believe that should Kara reject me, we would still continue to be friends.
sunshinehoe: Whether or not she feels the same way, I believe that I have kept enough good things from myself.
sunshinehoe: And I think it's time I went after something I really wanted.
sunshinehoe: Not that my feelings for Kara are just 'want', though some portion of my attraction to her may be described as such.
sunshinehoe: But, and God help me, I love her.
sunshinehoe: And I believe that both of us should know and understand that.
bonsaicop: IT'S GONNA BE SO GOOD
bonsaicop: I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW THIS WILL WORK
sunshinehoe: Whatever you say.
bonsaicop: i would say good luck but i don't think you'll need it
bonsaicop: on behalf of lesbians everywhere, give her the best goddamn kiss of her life
sunshinehoe: I will.
bonsaicop: deadass that was the gayest thing i've ever read
bonsaicop: you're in the chat loser
gaymess: that's so gay i can't beLIBJMHNBJKLSVGCFGVJHBKNLKGCHFGX
bonsaicop: I KNOW
gaymess: SHES GONNA TELL HER
gaymess: O MYGS OID HOKY GAY IN HEAVNE
gaymess: THISJK BETTERS FUCJKN WOKRM OUTE
bonsaicop: I STFG
gaymess: IM SAVINEG THOAT SCEREENSTOH
gaymess: GOOD GAY BABY DAMN
gaymess: GET IT GIRL
gaymess: WAIT THATS MY SISTER
gaymess: caught between rooting hardcore for them or threatening to rip her throat out if she hurts her
gaymess: EITHER WAAY
gaymess: PURE AND GAY I SUPPORT
bonsaicop: this better fucking work out or my matchmaker career ends in shame
gaymess: it's on the lovebirds now
gaymess: GOD IM SO FUCKIN HAPPY
la sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
gaymess: WHATS UP
sunshinedanvers: SHE KISSED ME
gaymess: THIS BETTER HAVE BEEN FOR FUCKN REAL THIS TIME I STG
sunshinedanvers: IT WAS
gaymess: ARE U FUCKING SERIOUS
sunshinedanvers: HER LIPS WERE SO SOFT AND SHE JUST TOUCHED MY CHEEK SO GENTLY
sunshinedanvers: AND I COULD FEEL EVERYTHING ALEX
sunshinedanvers: AND THEN WE LAY ON HER BED
gaymess: ew ew ew ew ew ew
sunshinedanvers: NOT LIKE THAT
sunshinedanvers: BUT WE KISSED SOME MORE AND WE TALKED AND WE KISSED EVEN MORE
sunshinedanvers: AND THEN SHE WENT TO SLEEP AND SHE'S SO PRETTY ALEX
sunshinedanvers: AND SHE MAKES THESE CUTE LITTLE NOISES IN HER SLEEP
sunshinedanvers: I KNOW
sunshinedanvers: I THINK SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND ALEX
gaymess: THIS IS SO GOOD AND PURE
sunshinedanvers: I THINK I MIGHT WANT TO MARRY HER
gaymess: THATS SO CUTE BUT ALSO WEIRD AT THE SAME TIME BUT MOSTLY CUTE
sunshinedanvers: I WANT TO DO CARTWHEELS
sunshinedanvers: I CAN'T STOP SMILING ALEX I'M SO HAPPY GOD I FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS GOING TO BURST
sunshinedanvers: SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL AND GOOD
sunshinedanvers: AND SHE'S TALKING IN HER SLEEP
sunshinedanvers: SHE JUST MADE THIS CUTE SCRUNCHY FACE AND SAID MY NAME AND REACHED FOR ME
sunshinedanvers: AND NOW SHE'S CLINGING TO ME
sunshinedanvers: I GOTTA GO SHE'S WAKING UP
gaymess: IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU KARA
gaymess: don't TEST me schott
gaymess: ur dumbass keeps leaving ur SHIT on my WORKBENCH
spacedad: i would like to take this moment to inform everyone that alex does not technically have a workbench.
spacedad: also, winn, don't worry about it. she's the most happy she's ever been in her life. she's just being aggressively happy.
gaymess: noah fence dad but that's OFFENSIVE
gaymess: also @winn explain the GODDAMN CIRCUIT ON MY BENCH
gaymess: i almost got my ASS electrocuted and im PISSED
notthrowingawaymyschott: thats pretty funny gotta say
gaymess: i will BREAK YOUR coMPUTER DIPSHIT
notthrowingawaymyschott: ok ok ok ok
notthrowingawaymyschott: jesus did maggie cut u off or what
gaymess: i am twenty steps away from ur ugly ass and im about to make it zero
notthrowingawaymyschott: ok peace
gaymess: bitch u THOUGHT
gaymess: IM TRYING TO MURDER SOMEONE IN PEACE
sunshinedanvers: ITS LENA
gaymess: im coming
bonsaicop: babe what are you doing
bonsaicop: where are you going
gaymess: my sister never forgets apostrophes
gaymess: this has gotta be something bad
bonsaicop: you want backup
gaymess: ill call u if i do
bonsaicop: be safe honbun
la sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
sunshinedanvers: ALEX SHES NOT BREATHING
sunshinedanvers: WHAT DO I DO
sunshinedanvers: I CANT LOSE HER
sunshinedanvers: NOT NOW
sunshinedanvers: NOT AFTER THIS
gaymess: itll be okay
gaymess: theyll give her cpr and shock her heart back into beating
sunshinedanvers: ALEX I CANT FEEL HER HEARTBEAT I CANT HEAR IT
sunshinedanvers: ALEX DO SOMETHING
sunshinedanvers: NOT HER TOO
gaymess: i'm here
gaymess: i've got you
bonsaicop: how are they?
gaymess: lena's breathing well
gaymess: her vitals are steady
gaymess: the bullet punctured a lung and her aorta was damaged
gaymess: but she'll be okay
bonsaicop: and kara?
gaymess: curled up by the side of lena's bed
gaymess: god maggie she looks so fucking wrecked
gaymess: she's a mess
gaymess: god i'm a mess
gaymess: i didn't know i cared about her that much
bonsaicop: do you want me to come to the hospital?
gaymess: yes please
Chapter 10: enter roulette
gay and also the aftermath of being shot
bonsaicop: hi honbun
bonsaicop: how are you holding up?
gaymess: i'm okay
bonsaicop: get some sleep, okay?
bonsaicop: how's kara?
gaymess: she's okay, i think
gaymess: she fell asleep around five
gaymess: lena's better
bonsaicop: what happened?
gaymess: he was maxwell lord's bodyguard, and he snuck in a pistol through lord's briefcase
gaymess: he fired from twenty feet away
gaymess: a direct hit, at an angle between her shoulderblades
gaymess: puncturing her left lung and parts of her heart
gaymess: it was a low-profile gala, and the guards were careless
gaymess: kara was in the press section
gaymess: she took the second bullet
gaymess: the footage is kind of grainy but i can always tell
gaymess: i haven't seen her so angry in a long time
gaymess: god maggie she almost snapped his neck
gaymess: she looked like she wanted to, too
gaymess: and she wanWAIT
bonsaicop: WHY WHAT
gaymess: LENAS WAKING UP
bonsaicop: OH MY GOD
gaymess: SHE LOOKS GOOD
gaymess: KARAS CRYING AGAIN
gaymess: SHE AND KARA ARE HAVING A MOMENT
bonsaicop: GOOD GOOD GOOD
gaymess: ok theyre kissing grossly everythings okay
gaymess: kara just said some 'i will never let that happen again' gay shit
gaymess: fuck mags im so happy shes fine
bonsaicop: me too
bonsaicop: baby luthor how're you holding up?
sunshinehoe: I'm good!
sunshinehoe: It hurts a bit but the surgery went well.
sunshinehoe: And I had a really good idea for a bulletproof vest!
sunshinehoe: I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow.
bonsaicop: HOLD UP BINCH
gaymess: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY
bonsaicop: GOING TO WORK?!?!?!!?!?!
gaymess: UR GAY ASS JUST GOT SHOT IM NOT LETTING U PULL A LEXA ON US
sunshinehoe: A... Lexa? What's that?
bonsaicop: i guess i know what we're doing tomorrow
gaymess: deadass ur the fakest lesbian ive ever seen
gaymess: caNNOT BELieve THAT UVE NEveR HEarD oF LEXA
gaymess: have u seen imagine me and you
gaymess: the handmaiden?
gaymess: mystere a la tour eiffel
gaymess: that ones pretentious and french and louise is gay as hell
sunshinehoe: Haven't seen it.
gaymess: i cant think straight
gaymess: u have to have seen this one this was baby gay holy land
gaymess: OK SWEATY GUESS WHAT WERE DOING TOMORROW
gaymess: KARAS COMING OVER AND WERE WATCHING ALL OF THESE
gaymess: AND U TWO CAN MAKEOUT ON THE COUCH
gaymess: AND U WILL GET A LESDUCATION EVEN IF I HAVE TO MURDER SOMEONE
gaymess: lesbian education u gay nerd
bonsaicop: that's not a word
gaymess: anyway maggie are u going to be awake at 8
bonsaicop: no lmao
gaymess: let me rephrase
gaymess: i am dragging u out of bed at 8 am
gaymess: lena gets up at like 4 so thatll be good
gaymess: imma go out on a limb and say that u n kara are sharing a bed
bonsaicop: dropped ur phone huh?
gaymess: liar liar pants on fire
bonsaicop: alex you're not twelve
gaymess: yah im twelve and a half
bonsaicop: can't believe i'm dating you
gaymess: you love me
bonsaicop: i do
gaymess: um?? honey???? have u seen urself?? ever????
sunshinehoe: [eyeroll emoji]
notthrowingawaymyschott: when things are bad
notthrowingawaymyschott: and skies are grey
notthrowingawaymyschott: she'll be here
notthrowingawaymyschott: to save the day
purtyboy: duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh DAH
sunshinedanvers: winn i'm bi
notthrowingawaymyschott: fuck ok
notthrowingawaymyschott: whats that there
notthrowingawaymyschott: high in the sky
notthrowingawaymyschott: who else could it be
gaymess: doesnt have the same ring to it does it
notthrowingawaymyschott: slightly disappointed
badasslane: its ok sounds good
badasslane: also i heard lena got shot how's she doing
gaymess: gay and perky as ever
gaymess: also she and kara are having lunch in the middle of the fucking deo
gaymess: like literally
notthrowingawaymyschott: i can confirm
badasslane: lmao look at those hearteyes
gaymess: i?? have to deal?? with this??? every? single?? day???
gaymess: nah jk im happy for them
gaymess: speaking of
gaymess: i have yet to give baby luthor the most terrifying shovel talk of her ENTIRE LIFE
badasslane: has lena dated girls before?
gayassroulette has forcibly entered the chat
gayassroulette: um???? yes?????????
gaymess: can people stop doing this to our chat pls
gayassroulette: tbh supergirl is a step down from ME
sunshinedanvers: lena's dating me not supergirl
gayassroulette: cut the shit buddy
gayassroulette: everyone in national city knows
gayassroulette: even lena's secretary knows
sunshinedanvers: yeah but jess knows everything
gayassroulette: fair point
gayassroulette: shes pretty cute actually
gaymess: shes also dating pam from hr
gaymess: so fuck u roulette
gaymess: what kinda fuckass name is that
gayassroulette: its COOL you bleached asshole of a fifty-year-old glee club member
gaymess: did you just
gaymess: call me
gayassroulette: u bet i did
gaymess: thats pretty good actually
gaymess: for someone who dresses like a less fashionable effie trinket and looks like a cross between foggy nelson and a badger
gayassroulette: and thus, a friendship was formed
gaymess: its the mutual gay and the insults i think
gayassroulette: nice to meet u bitchface
gaymess: nice to meet u too fuckwad
badasslane: this is... surprisingly civil
gayassroulette: oh hey
gayassroulette: ur the gayer version of lois lane right
badasslane: nice to meet you too roulette
badasslane: how's your day been going?
notthrowingawaymyschott: and so roulette was assimilated into the friendgroup
sunshinedanvers: i can't believe everyone knows i'm supergirl
gayassroulette: oh honey
gayassroulette: don't worry about it
gayassroulette: and by the way?
gayassroulette: after me, lena's standards are way too high
gayassroulette: no one in national city is better than me in bed
gaymess: hoo boy you wanna bet
sunshinedanvers: DO NOT SLEEP WITH ROULETTE TO PROVE A POINT
gaymess: jfc im in a monogamous relationship kara
gayassroulette: impressed that u can spell monogamous
gaymess: [middle finger emoji]
gaymess: let me invite u into the chat so u dont have to break in every time
gayassroulette: its part of the thrill
gaymess: ur just like lucy diamond
gayassroulette: I AM LUCY
gayassroulette: except i have yet to find my amy
gaymess: cant believe we just made a debs reference
gaymess: god we are so gay
Chapter 11: lena's lesducation ft. roulette
LENA KNOWS AAAAAAAA
also happy mother's day y'all be sure to love your mums as much as i love eliza danvers and roulette's mum
sunshinedanvers: GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS
sunshinedanvers: MOTHERS DAY!!!!!
sunshinedanvers has invited supermom to the chat
gaymess: shes not awake yet
gaymess: WE LOVE YOU MOM
sunshinedanvers: COME OVER AT SEVEN FOR DINNER AND PRESENTS AND WATCHING IMAGINE ME AND YOU
sunshinedanvers: YOU'RE THE BEST MOM EVER
gaymess: also right now were lesducating lena so feel free to show up anytime
gaymess: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!
gaymess has created a chat: lena's lesducation
gaymess has added sunshinehoe, sunshinedanvers, and bonsaicop
gaymess: wakey wakey bitches
sunshinehoe: Good morning, Alex.
gaymess: and a top of the morning to u too baby luthor
sunshinedanvers: hi alex
gaymess: whats up sis how was that bank robbery
sunshinedanvers: it was fine
sunshinedanvers: i mean, i really enjoyed reporting on it being stopped! haha
sunshinedanvers: what? hahaha
sunshinehoe: I know.
sunshinedanvers: know what? hahahahaha
sunshinehoe: The glasses don't really hide it, sweetheart.
sunshinehoe: Though the cape is certainly a nice touch.
gaymess: kara? what do u have to say for yourself
sunshinedanvers: i didn't tell her alex! i swear
gaymess: god pam is gonna fuckn murder me
gaymess: yknow, pam. from hr.
gaymess: deadass she just went on vacation and then u went and got outed again
gaymess: j'onns gonna tear u a new one lmao
sunshinedanvers: oh no
gaymess: oh yes
gayassroulette has forcibly entered the chat
gayassroulette: i just saw the words 'lena's lesducation'
gayassroulette: cannot believe i was not invited so im issuing myself an invitation
gaymess: fuck off u ugly beaver
gayassroulette: that was weak
gaymess: its early bitch and im only on my second cup of coffee
sunshinedanvers: hi roulette
gayassroulette: its the small happy version of supergirl
gayassroulette: i already told u
gayassroulette: everyone knows
gaymess: ur name is VERONICA
gaymess: thats so gay lmao
gayassroulette: how is my name gay
gaymess: a history of homosexuality
gaymess: see: veronica sawyer (heathers), veronica lodge (riverdale), veronica my bff in elementary school (definitely gay i saw the way she looked at diane)
gaymess: there are more but its early
gayassroulette: also my names not veronica its roulette
gaymess: no parent would be like 'hey lets name our kid after a game in which someone gets their head blown off hurr hurr arent we intelligent'
gaymess: was it a nickname? was ur dad like 'roulette, honey, stop beating the shit out of ur classmates pls'
gayassroulette: i didnt have a dad
gaymess: u have a mom?
gaymess: single? gay?
gayassroulette: u two would probably get along well
gayassroulette: shes the one who taught me how to fight
sunshinedanvers: not to interrupt this moment of bonding, but we're here
gaymess: jfc u snotty brat when did u get so sassy
gayassroulette: anyways im climbing ur apartment building right now in five-inch heels and a dress and typing with one hand
gaymess: whats up with ruthless assassins (or whatever the fuck u do for a living) not being able to use a fucking DOOR
gayassroulette: oh sweaty
gayassroulette: im currently in the top ten most wanted bitches in the world
gayassroulette: and idk bout u but cctv? that ugly footage aint gonna make me look as stunning as i am
gaymess: i respect that
gayassroulette: thought u would
gayassroulette: lil super
gayassroulette: my mom lives in kansas can u pick her up
sunshinedanvers: where in kansas?
gayassroulette: the state has like two buildings max
gayassroulette: she lives in a giant house in a cornfield
sunshinedanvers: as do half of the people in kansas
sunshinehoe: I know where she lives. I'll come with you.
gaymess: you know where roulette lives???
sunshinehoe: Veronica and I were best friends even before we were lovers.
sunshinehoe: Her mother's house was my safe haven, of sorts.
gaymess: why did u two break up then
sunshinehoe: It was after Lex, and it was mutual.
sunshinehoe: We decided that it would be emotionally unhealthy for me to have to focus on a relationship, and for her to have to deal with it.
sunshinehoe: Still, I consider her my best friend.
sunshinehoe: And her mom sends me cookies for every holiday. As a matter of fact, I fly out every year to celebrate Hanukkah with them.
gaymess: thats sweet
sunshinehoe: They are.
sunshinehoe: And her mom's made brownies!!!
sunshinehoe: Hold up; we're flying back now.
gaymess: fly safe
gaymess: ALRIGHT SAWYER IM COMING IN
gaymess: UR ASS BETTER BE UP SOON
gaymess: were giving lena a LESDUCATION
gaymess: ROULETTE AND HER MOM ARE COMING OVER
gaymess: imagine me and you or i cant think straight
bonsaicop: the eiffel one
bonsaicop: then imay
bonsaicop: then icts
gaymess: got it
gaymess: ur coffees ready babe
bonsaicop: i love you
gaymess: love u too
sunshinedanvers: roulette's mom is super super nice actually
purtyboy: as in
purtyboy: the fight club
badasslane: are you serious
sunshinedanvers: alex is forcing us to watch all of the lesbian movies she can find
badasslane: ooh have you seen debs yet
sunshinedanvers: not yet no
badasslane: do u have the dvd
sunshinedanvers: no i think roulette's mom broke it climbing through the window
badasslane: ok i will rectify this
badasslane: come pick me up lil danvers
badasslane: i have a dvd signed by jordana brewster and sara foster
gaymess: NO SHIT?!?!?
gayassroulette: ARE U SERIOSUHJBK
gaymess: god ive forgotten how gay debs was
bonsaicop: those were some pure times
gaymess: i feel so old
sunshinehoe: It certainly was enjoyable.
sunshinehoe: I liked Lucy.
gaymess: dont we all, baby luthor
sunshinehoe: Why do you call me that?
gaymess: baby luthor?
gaymess: cause ur a luthor and ur smol
sunshinehoe: But the negative connotations imply- well, you know.
gaymess: dude its just a surname yknow?
gaymess: itd be like if ur last name was johnson
gaymess: except 'baby johnson' sounds fuckn weird
bonsaicop: what alex is saying
bonsaicop: is that for us, your name isn't a negative thing
bonsaicop: like obviously your family's done some pretty shitty stuff
bonsaicop: but we don't think that applies to you
bonsaicop: and being a luthor, y'know, it can be a good thing, maybe
bonsaicop: but either way we love you
bonsaicop: and if you feel uncomfortable with the nickname, we can stop, sweetheart
sunshinehoe: I think I might like it. A little bit.
bonsaicop: okay, baby luthor
gaymess: ok feelings share over were watching i can't think straight
gaymess: kara's laser visioning some popcorn right now
sunshinehoe: Okay! I'll be right there.
gaymess: get ready for GAY
Chapter 12: sara lance has arrived
she's with her gf nyssa and she is READY to be as embarrassing as possible
sunshinedanvers: i kinda wanna find lena in her office
sunshinedanvers: walk in there and press her up against that desk
sunshinedanvers: and kiss her real nice
sunshinedanvers: work her up until shes beggin for it
sunshinedanvers: and then walk on right out
sunshinedanvers: even knowin i'll pay for it later
gaymess: sara lance
gaymess: give my baby sister her phone back
sunshinedanvers: yall aint no fun
bibibi has entered the chat
bibibi: whats up yall
gaymess: hey lance
sunshinedanvers: hi, sara!
bibibi: see someone appreciates me
bibibi: thanks babe
gaymess: last time you were here you tried to date my sister
gaymess: and me
gaymess: and lucy
bibibi: aw let me up girl i just love women
gaymess: still mad at you but relatable
bibibi: oh bi the way i brought a guest
bibibi: when we traveled to this dimension
bibibi: meet my gf
bibibi has dragged Nyssa.AlGhul into the chat
bibibi: this is nyssa and shes rlly loud during sex and i love her
Nyssa.AlGhul has left the chat
bibibi has dragged Nyssa.alGhul back into the chat
bibibi: aw babe dont be like that
Nyssa.alGhul: Hello, everyone.
gaymess: lena luthor hath met her kin
sunshinehoe: Hello. I'm Kara's girlfriend, Lena Luthor.
Nyssa.alGhul: It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Sara's girlfriend, Nyssa al Ghul, daughter of Ra's.
purtyboy: we just doubled the amount of stick-up-an-ass in the chat i'm so proud
bibibi: hm ur right
bibibi has changed Nyssa.alGhul's name to babygayassassin
babygayassassin: I will not tolerate this.
sunshinehoe: This is what happened to me, Nyssa.
babygayassassin: I'm changing it back.
bibibi has changed restrictions on babygayassassin
notthrowingawaymyschott: welcome to the supersquad™
badasslane: we have cookies and HAMILTON TICKETS
bibibi: NO SHIT
sunshinehoe: That's right. I have a box in the theatre. If you'd like to join us tomorrow night...?
bibibi: YES BABE IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO MAKE OUT TO A LIVE PERFORMANCE OF SAY NO TO THIS
bibibi: i'll convince u dont worry bout it
gaymess: how long are u guys in town
bibibi: a few days
bibibi: however long it takes for laurel to find me i guess
gaymess: you know who you would love
sunshinedanvers: i can actually see them becoming friends.
sunshinedanvers: lena knows where she is, i think. i'm pretty sure we can call her in.
purtyboy: speaking of where did lena go
badasslane: probably still in shock from dirty!kara
gaymess: thats my SISTER ur talking about lane
bibibi: oh hey
bibibi: lucy, right
badasslane: thats me
bibibi: ur attractive
bibibi: im sorry i have a girlfriend
gaymess: lance stop being an asshat
gaymess: also stop trying to call me i get it im coming to pick you up
bibibi: do i get to ride on ur motorcycle tonight
gaymess: how did u make that sound sexual
bibibi: its a talent
gaymess: i stg
gaymess: im coming now
bibibi: thats what she said
gaymess: i will BLOCK YOU
sunshinedanvers: *long-suffering sigh*
gaymess: GOD HELP ME LANCE I WILL THROW YOU OFF THIS MOTORCYCLE
gaymess: IF YOU DONT STOP GROPING ME
bibibi: just lookin for a place to hold on
bibibi: n you have nice abs
babygayassassin: I'm... right here?
gaymess: um WHERE
babygayassassin: I'm crouching on the back of the motorcycle.
gaymess: thats DANGEROUS IDIOT
bibibi: shes good she knows how to hold on during a rough night
bibibi: know what im sayin
badasslane: jfc stop w the innuendoes
badasslane: actually maggie would probs appreciate them
bibibi: whos that
badasslane: alex's gf
badasslane: lesbian, short, lesbian, likes bonsai trees, lesbian
badasslane: did i mention she was gay yet
badasslane: i think shes in this chat???
purtyboy: HOW DID YOU FORGET TO INVITE MAGGIE
bonsaicop has entered the chat
bonsaicop: also is this chat named supersquad bc karas supergirl
sunshinedanvers: i'm aware that everyone knows you can stop rubbing it in
bonsaicop: ok honey
bibibi: hi im sara lance im fucking nyssa
babygayassassin: Can you not?
babygayassassin: Also, I'm Nyssa.
bonsaicop: so i gathered
bonsaicop: what can i do for your sorry asses today
bonsaicop: sorry i've been working a shift since 2 am FUCK ME goddamn
gaymess: aw babe i'll drop beauty and the beast off at our place and come bring you some danishes
bonsaicop: i love you
bibibi: wait whos who in the beauty and the beast
gaymess: ur the beast lance
gaymess: ur a demon on a boob rampage
bibibi's name has been changed to boobrampager
babygayassassin: Okay, we're here. I'm leaving.
boobrampager: come back safe babe
gaymess: so nyssa came back eleven hours later with a dead cobra and pizza
sunshinehoe: I'm going to need you to repeat that.
gaymess: four pizza boxes
gaymess: and a dead venomous snake
bonsaicop: are you serious
bonsaicop: i went to the bathroom for five minutes
gaymess: SHES EATING PIZZA WITH A FORK AND KNIFE
bonsaicop: SHOW ME
sunshinehoe: That's odd.
sunshinehoe: Even I don't do that.
gaymess: jfc sara just licked pizza sauce off her own shoulder
bonsaicop: wow i guess opposites do attract
gaymess: why are all the people we know so weird
bonsaicop: idk babe
bonsaicop: be there in a moment
bonsaicop: you coming baby luthor
sunshinehoe: Give me five minutes.
sunshinehoe: I want to see this for myself.
Chapter 13: YEET BITCHES YEET
MONHELL GOT YEETED KARAMEL IS OVER PARTY CATCH ME CELEBRATING THE GOOD LIFE
gaymess: I CANNOT BELIEVE
gaymess: LENA GAYASS LUTHOR
gaymess: (and winn but lmao whatever)
gaymess: INTO THE STRATOSPHERE
bonsaicop: GOD BLESS AND PRAISE
bonsaicop: BABY LUTHOR
bonsaicop: DOING THE LORD'S WORK
sunshinehoe: Did you just send me-
sunshinehoe: Seventeen bouquets of flowers-
sunshinehoe: Reading, in exact order, 'Congrats On The Yeet'?
spacedad: that was me
spacedad: thank you for your contribution to the well-being of our society
gaymess: DAD OMG
badasslane: SO PROUD OF U BABY LUTHOR I SEND MY REGARDS
gaymess: also we found the footage of you elbowing a lady in the face and also running in high heels
gaymess: noah fence luthor
gaymess: but u look fucking stupid when you run
sunshinedanvers: i have to say, i kind of agree with my sister.
sunshinedanvers: i love you, though!
sunshinehoe: No offence taken.
sunshinehoe: And babe, it's hard when you have big boobs.
gaymess: KEYBOAERDFUJCKNSMADSH DIDJN LUTHOE BABYB KLUTHR ACTUAKLL ASEXT
gaymess: IM LINVJG
gaymess: ALSO I THINK U BROKE MY SISTER SHES JUST STARING AT HER PHONE IN SILENCE AND LOOKING LIKE SHE GOT SLAPPED LMAO
bonsaicop: anyways kara what are your opinions on the matter of yeeting
sunshinedanvers: i thought it was hot.
gaymess: the traditional lena luthor keyboard smash wow i'm so proud we've come so far
sunshinedanvers: while i don't approve of violence, i am glad that i finally get to be happy
gayassroulette: 'dont approve of violence' sweaty u punch people for a living
sunshinedanvers: for a cause and that is a moot point
sunshinedanvers: still, i enjoyed finding out that lena has biceps.
gayassroulette: i saw her do thirty pullups once without breaking a sweat and my heart never quite recovered
gaymess: TINY BABY LUTHOR CAN DO THIRTY PULLUPS
gayassroulette: yes u stanky rainbow diaper
sunshinehoe: I do have a private gym installed in my office.
sunshinehoe: By private, I mean that occasionally my coworkers will come in and work off their frustration.
gayassroulette: do u and smol super have a bed installed in ur office
gayassroulette: to work off your frustration
gaymess: WATCH IT
gaymess: THATS MY BABY SISTER AND CONSENT IS IMPORTANT U GAY FUCKS
gaymess: ALSO NO PUBLIC NUDITY
gaymess: AND NO TALKING EVER EVER EVER ABOUT MY SISTER EVER EVER NO SEX TALK
gaymess: IF U NEED THAT BABY LUTHOR U GO TO MAGGIE IS THAT CLEAR GOOD IM GLAD WEVE ESTABLISHED THE BOUNDARIES
gaymess: not you
gaymess: you talk to me whenever you feel comfortable and i'll tease the shit of you but also be super supportive
gaymess: fuck off u ugly pineapple we were having a MOMENT
notthrowingawaymyschott: WAIT LENA WHAT HAPPENED TO UR FOOT
gaymess: WJT THE FUCK
gaymess: YOU MANAGED TO GET URSELF INJURED AGAIN
sunshinehoe: It's fine. I was running after drinking several glasses of wine.
gaymess: clumsy gay geniuses
gaymess: yall are all the same jfc
sunshinehoe: Who's the basis for comparison?
gaymess: um jemma simmons duh
purtyboy: um she's not gay
gayassroulette: PURGE PURGE PURGE
gayassroulette: THAT IS NOT A SENTENCE ALLOWED IN THIS CHAT YOU HIDEOUS HETEROSEXUAL FUCK
gaymess: also i see the way she looks at skye
sunshinehoe: Who's Skye?
gaymess: WE FORGOT TO LESDUCATE YOU ON THAT DAMMIT
gaymess: COME OVER NOW MAGGIE ORDER PIZZA WHERE ARE U
bonsaicop: i'm calling them right now
gaymess: everyone is invited with the exception of james for daring to suggest that jemma 'gay nerd' simmons
gaymess: is not the FLAMBOYANTLY RAINBOW CLUMSY NERD
gaymess: that has manifested herself in this universe as lena luthor
gaymess: who, if i may mention,
gaymess: yeeted a fuckboi out of the atmosphere so its TIME TO CELEBRATE
sunshinehoe: ...See you in five.
rainbowjess: congratulations, ms. luthor
rainbowjess: kara told me about the yeeting
rainbowjess: also, the bouquets were very nice and i have sent pam your regards as they were her idea
rainbowjess: i believe j'onn purchased them
sunshinehoe: Thank you, Jess.
rainbowjess: also when are you proposing because kara makes KILLER pancakes
sunshinehoe: Does she?
barackobama: she really does
sciencegal: she's set up an enormous griddle in the labs and has the scientists flipping pancakes while she makes the batter
scienceguy: she took a look at us and said 'oh you poor things, doing such wonderful things without any food' and then whipped out a 20-foot griddle and seventeen bags of flour
sciencegal: you should come down and see
sciencegal: her apron really leaves very little to the imagination
sciencegal: just pointing it out
roseandrosie: shes so cute
roseandrosie: we're considering stealing her
scienceguy: kathy's now researching a way to bottle smiles
sciencegal: kara has flour on her nose and my heart
sciencegal: it suffers from the weight of such unearthly joy
roseandrosie: where's the 10/10 would bang but also 10/10 would care for you meme we need it
rainbowjess: also friendly disclosure but we all hate mike
rainbowjess: so thank you for doing the world a favor
sunshinehoe: My pleasure.
sunshinehoe: Also, Chris, would you mind taking a few pictures while I'm on my way down?
scienceguy: absolutely, ms. luthor
Chapter 14: feelings talk and jealousy
la sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
gaymess: LILLIAN KNOWS
sunshinedanvers: LILLIAN KNOWS??????????????
gaymess: SHE KNOWS
sunshinedanvers: knows about what?
gaymess: YOU AND BABY LUTHOR AND ALSO SUPERGIRL
gaymess: SHE WALKED INTO THE DEO AND GRABBED AN NDA OFF PAM'S DESK
gaymess: AND THEN SHE LOOKED AT ME
gaymess: I STG HER EYES ARE LIKE THE COLD ARMPITS OF HELL
sunshinedanvers: I KNOW RIGHT?
gaymess: ANYWAYS I DIGRESS SHE WAS LIKE
gaymess: 'UR SISTER HAPPENS TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAUGHTER AND'
gaymess: 'OUR FAMILIES HAVE QUITE A NEGATIVE RELATIONSHIP BUT THAT MAY HAVE TO CHANGE'
gaymess: and i was like
gaymess: pam looked so p i s s e d
gaymess: can u stop outing urself to luthors pls
sunshinedanvers: i plead innocence
sunshinedanvers: i didn't tell her i swear to rao alex
sunshinedanvers: okay so maybe she walked in on us kissing in lena's office
sunshinedanvers: but that's unimportant HAHA
gaymess: kaRA ZOR-EL DANVERS YOU WILL ANSWER TO THIS
gaymess: WERE YOU IN THE SUIT
sunshinedanvers: I'M SORRY ALEX
gaymess: THAT DOES NOT WORK OVER TEXT
gaymess: ok maybe it works a little
gaymess: stop preening it was mostly lena
gaymess: ALSO YOU LEFT THIRTY MINUTES AGO I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE STOPPING ROBBERIES
sunshinedanvers: it's pretty quiet so i went to find my girlfriend
gaymess: youre smiling grossly i might not have x-ray vision but i can tell
sunshinedanvers: SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND ALEX
sunshinedanvers: LENA LUTHOR
sunshinedanvers: MY GIRLFRIEND
sunshinedanvers: I'M SO HAPPY
gaymess: AW SIS IM PROUD OF YOU
gaymess: AND UR SUPER GAME
sunshinedanvers: that was bad
gaymess: yeah i know whatever
gaymess: hey about game night
sunshinedanvers: you're coming, right?
gaymess: I HAVEN'T MISSED GAME NIGHT IN FOREVER AND I'M NOT ABOUT TO NOW
sunshinedanvers: then what is it?
gaymess: is lena coming
sunshinedanvers: Yes; I will be there.
gaymess: sick give my sis her phone back
sunshinedanvers: Okay. See you, Alex.
gaymess: see you nerd
sunshinedanvers: okay alex potstickers or pizza
sunshinedanvers: lena gave me her credit card so now i'm going through the city
gaymess: max lena's credit card by buying a potsticker shop chain
sunshinedanvers: that wouldn't even come close to maxing her credit card
gaymess: u right
gaymess: buy the entire disney franchise too
gaymess: forge lenas signature and merge disney with l-corp
sunshinedanvers: ok she's coming with me
sunshinedanvers: and i'm pretty sure that's illegal
gaymess: that's okay lena will forgive you she loves you
sunshinedanvers: yeah but i love her too so obviously i wouldn't betray her trust like that
gaymess: ok feelings talk ten seconds
gaymess: you love her?
gaymess: and she loves you.
sunshinedanvers: i think so.
sunshinedanvers: half baked or fudge brownie
sunshinedanvers: how much
gaymess: jfc as if u need to ask
sunshinehoe: I think Kara just picked up twenty pints. Of each.
purtyboy: that's kara for u lmao
gayassroulette: i still havent forgiven you for saying jemma simmons was straight but i might if you bring pizza
gayassroulette: and also if you take it back and run a catco opinion piece about how skimmons is real
purtyboy: why would i do that why would i care abt ur forgiveness
sunshinedanvers: because jemma simmons is important to us and i will not buy you ice cream ever again
sunshinedanvers: and also i will complain to cat about you she loves skimmons
purtyboy: fine jfc what kind of pizza
purtyboy: they're out.
gayassroulette: YOU LYING BASTARD
gayassroulette: fine just get me pesto chicken DAMN
sunshinedanvers: we bought the ice cream
sunshinehoe: We're coming back now with two shopping carts of ice cream.
sunshinehoe: Kara got carried away and then flashed her best puppy eyes and the people let us take them on the condition that we bring them back later.
gaymess: lmao sis
gayassroulette: this is like making out in text form jfc
gayassroulette: its disgusting
gaymess: you know it's bad when you gotta agree with the morally objectionable ugly pineapple
gaymess: kara i will block you
sunshinedanvers: i kicked kal's butt once i can kick yours
gaymess: honey i will flip you into earth-5
gaymess: also where are you with that ice cream
sunshinedanvers: we're in the elevator
gaymess: ok be sure not to drop anHOLY SHIT
sunshinedanvers: what? what happened?
gaymess: its nothing roulette just fuckn baCKFLIPPED THROUGH OUR WINDOW
sunshinehoe: It's a frequent occurrence. Don't worry about it.
sunshinedanvers: we're here
gaymess: sick ill let u in
purtyboy: ok im here
gayassroulette: what's the password
gaymess: ill give you a hint it starts with jemma
purtyboy: jemma simmons?
purtyboy: jemma simmons is gay
gaymess: door's unlocked
purtyboy: oh fuck you alex danvers
sunshinehoe has created a new chat: boarding school buddies
sunshinehoe has added gayassroulette
gayassroulette: whats up nerd
sunshinehoe: I know you dislike Kara.
sunshinehoe: But could you stop treating her like she has the plague?
sunshinehoe: I didn't mean sit on her lap!
gayassroulette: where else was i supposed to sit
sunshinehoe: The entire couch, maybe?
gayassroulette: aw lena are u jealous
sunshinehoe: Listen, Kara's a very tactile person. She assumes that people who are physically affectionate want to be her friend.
sunshinehoe: She likes to treat people like cats and touch their hair and things like that so do not- I repeat, do not- take it as a come-on.
gayassroulette: her hands are so gentle in my hair its nice
sunshinehoe: Stop purring.
gayassroulette: you sure ur not jealous
sunshinehoe: Maybe a little.
gayassroulette: i'll let you have ur spot back
sunshinehoe: Thank you.
sunshinehoe: Stop taking up the entire couch. It's rude and no one wants to see up your wildly impractical skirt.
gayassroulette: what kinda fake best friend
sunshinehoe: Shut the hell up.
sunshinehoe: [heart emoji]
gayassroulette: [heart emoji] [rainbow emoji]
gaymess has created a new chat: supercorp soulmates
gaymess has added sunshinehoe and sunshinedanvers
gaymess: it's time
gaymess: you two have been nauseatingly sweet for the past week and i am SICK OF IT
gaymess: therefore congrats u now have ur soulmates chat
gaymess: so no one has to see you be horribly in love and talk about boring grocery shit
gaymess has left the chat
sunshinedanvers: i can't believe you beat winn at scrabble
sunshinedanvers: this is the best day of my life i'm so proud of you
sunshinehoe: Thank you, darling.
sunshinedanvers: come out of the bathroom so i can kiss you
sunshinehoe: Of course.
Chapter 15: emOTIONS HOO BOY
you will never see roulette the same way ft. supercorp and Big Sis Teasing™
la sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
gaymess: WHERE ARE U SIS
gaymess: I COME BACK FROM THE BATHROOM AND ABRUPTLY EVERYONE HAS DESERTED OUR APARTMENT
gaymess: omg are u getting laid
sunshinedanvers: ALEX!!! NO!!!!!!!!!
gaymess: joking lmao lena's too classy to put out on the first date
sunshinedanvers: i mean, this is the twenty-third date we've been on, technically speaking
gaymess: i see how it is ;)
sunshinedanvers: don't give me the ;)
gaymess: ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
sunshinedanvers: SHUT UP ALEX I'M JUST WALKING HER HOME
gaymess: also, home?
gaymess: she has a home?
sunshinedanvers: yeah what else would she have
gaymess: um i thought she lived in her office
sunshinedanvers: she does have a bed there but she owns an apartment
gaymess: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT
gaymess: OMG YOU DID THE NASTY IN LENA LUTHOR'S OFFICE
gaymess: KARA THAT'S SO SCANDALOUS
sunshinedanvers: SHE JUST TOOK ME ON A TOUR
gaymess: ;) tour ;) huh
sunshinedanvers: NO, ACTUALLY
sunshinedanvers: she has crime and punishment and the great gatsby and the entire harry potter series
gaymess: harry potter?
sunshinedanvers: i know! it's pretty cute, huh?
gaymess: you think she'll let you enter her
gaymess: chamber of secrets
gaymess: ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
gaymess: if you know what i mean ;) ;)
sunshinedanvers: i'm going to leave this chat i swear to rao
gaymess: peace peace peace
sunshinedanvers: love you alex!
gaymess: have fun getting laid
gaymess: love you too sis
gayassroulette has created a chat: totally legal
gayassroulette has invited bonsaicop
gayassroulette: so something shadys happening at the club
gayassroulette: and i can smell the skankyness comin off one of the fighters
gayassroulette: i know ur not awake but
gayassroulette: if something happens lena can have my lexa funko pop
gayassroulette: also tell her thank you
gayassroulette: for everything
gaymess: hey baby luthor
gaymess: is roulette ok i haven't heard from her in like a while
sunshinehoe: You're right; that's quite odd. Normally she drops by to scare me by hanging off my office balcony every morning and also bring me bagels.
gaymess: ok ignoring that (we'll get to that later) where is she
sunshinehoe: She might be at The House.
sunshinehoe: Why do you need her?
gaymess: the deo has a lead on a case that previously worked at her club
bonsaicop: about that
bonsaicop: yesterday, you know how i had to miss game night
bonsaicop: i was on duty and there was an explosion at the house
bonsaicop: it wasn't televised because of sensitive material involved
bonsaicop: there was an altercation between roulette and one of the fighters
bonsaicop: ending in roulette being blasted through a wall by a bomb
bonsaicop: she was presumed dead at the scene
bonsaicop: but she was resuscitated and taken into custody
bonsaicop: her injuries are extremely severe
bonsaicop: it's thought that she has at least seven broken bones
bonsaicop: her ribcage nearly caved in on itself
bonsaicop: lena? are you okay?
sunshinehoe: Where is she?
bonsaicop: at the hospital. she's under police surveillance.
sunshinehoe: I want to see her.
bonsaicop: the police can't let you do that. i'm sorry.
sunshinehoe: I need to see her. Please, Maggie. She's important to me.
sunshinehoe: She's my one constant. She means so much to me. So goddamn much.
bonsaicop: i can get you ten minutes. she's barely awake, and she's on a lot of painkillers.
sunshinehoe: Thank you.
gaymess: i'm right outside
gaymess: let's get you there
sciencegal: where's ms. luthor
rainbowjess: there's been a personal issue
sciencegal: is it kara?
rainbowjess: no kara's fine
rainbowjess: it was roulette
scienceguy: you mean veronica?
roseandrosie: what happened?
rainbowjess: she died for about three minutes and then was resuscitated
rainbowjess: she's recuperating and lena went to see her
roseandrosie: veronica's hurt??!?
roseandrosie: we have to go see her
gayassroulette: thanks u guys but its ok
sciencegal: fuck that
sciencegal: we owe you so much
sciencegal: you were the one who got ms. luthor through her brother's actions, after all
scienceguy: you know all of us by name
danthejanitor: you bring bagels every morning
roseandrosie: you have the sickest insults
dyingllama: you and ms. luthor send birthday presents to every lcorp employee
screaminginscience: you know jack shit about science but you still listen to everything we say
gayassroulette: aw guys
doctorlady: you shielded me from an explosion in the lab once
nerdyhot: you give a damn about everyone's issues even if they're kind of stupid
itsjustrocketscience: you once made me laugh so hard i dumped a solution down ms. luthor's lab coat
labcoat69: you once made everyone play truth or dare when we had a stressful trade deal coming up and it was dumb but you made everyone feel a little less stressed
alliehearts: i was going through a really rough time and you bought me chocolate and we sat in a utility closet and talked for three hours
aliceandco: you're a stickler for safety and you made everyone customised lab goggles with sparkles
barackobama: honestly you're the coolest human i know
sciencegal: it's settled everyone get in the buses we're taking a trip to the hospital
rainbowjess: this is horribly irresponsible
rainbowjess: i'm driving the blue bus
bonsaicop: anyone wanna explain why there are twenty-nine buses of people in front of the hospital
Chapter 16: #KARLENA
supergirl banged wonder woman pass it on also happy ramadan to everyone who celebrates it
gaymess has created a chat: karlena
gaymess has added gayassroulette, notthrowingawaymyschott, bonsaicop, supermom, purtyboy, spacedad, and badasslane
gaymess: ok squad hear me out
gaymess: i stole lena and kara's phones bc they were distracted by gross couple stuff so they are unaware of current online happenings
gaymess: and this conversation is PRIVATE do u understand
gaymess: no spilling any secrets bc some of you and i'm not gonna disclose who it was but fyi it was winn
gaymess: once outed me to the entire deo so
purtyboy: got it
gaymess: ok first off
gaymess: catco has an annual contest for national city's cutest couple
badasslane: is this what i THINK IT IS
gaymess: i'll give you three guesses
badasslane: lena luthor and kara danvers for cutest couple
gaymess: BINGO GOT IT IN ONE
gayassroulette: imagine the headlines tho
gaymess: you know whats even BETTER
gaymess: winn hacked into the catco files and
gaymess: guess whose assignment it is to write it
purtyboy: CLARK KENT
gaymess: THATS RIGHT BITCHES
badasslane: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS LMAO
supermom: alexandra are you interfering with your sister's love life again
gaymess: hi mom and YES I AM
supermom: excellent i'm in
gaymess: first we force them on supremely public dates
bonsaicop: and some kissing
gaymess: and we trend #karlena on twitter
notthrowingawaymyschott: got it
gaymess: also bc SOMEONE got shot and we didn't get to see hamilton
supermom: who got shot???
gaymess: i dunno but it was someone
gaymess: anyways we have to make them go and also make someone in the cast do a callout at the beginning
supermom: i'm familiar with the actor who plays hamilton so i might be able to handle that
gaymess: awesome let's GO
purtyboy: how is karlena already trending worldwide
notthrowingawaymyschott: what can i say i work fast
rainbowjess: MS LUTHOR WHAT IN THE HELL IS HAPPENING
sciencegal: OMG THEY'RE TRENDING DO WE GET TO RELEASE A STATEMENT
roseandrosie: pls bitch we already wrote one up
roseandrosie have attached a file to the chat: [lcorpstatement.word]
the statement reads as follows:
[We'd like to start by saying that we knew this was going to happen and also KARLENA IS CANON FUCK YOU MIKE. Furthermore, we, as the employees of L-Corp, would like to announce our full and unanimous support for the relationship between Kara 'Sunshine' Danvers and Lena 'Gay' Luthor, our boss. It goes without saying that we, RoseandRosie, will be the bridesmaids at their wedding. We don't like to reminisce back to the old days, where Lena was sad, and we are glad that Kara has made her look like a giddy twelve-year-old every time she walks out of her office. We are also fairly certain that Kara now lives in her office because every time Lena comes out of there she has pastel pink lipstick on her neck and looks like she's about to faint from smiling so much and while it is nice to see her happy she's our boss and T. M. I. bitch. Anyways, we express our love and affection for these two and we hope that they come out of their gross sappy romance bubble long enough to read this message. We love you gay (and bi there will be no bi erasure- Rosie) bitches. Also give Jess a raise bc she spent four months trying to set your oblivious asses up. Love, the L-Corp team.]
rainbowjess: oddly sweet
barackobama: i support
sciencegal: aww cute i'm posting it to the l-corp website
rainbowjess: waIT NO
sciencegal: too late
rainbowjess: GODDAMMIT KATHY
gaymess: ok they have their phones back but i've just been called into work
gaymess: roulette i trust you to up the shock factor when you tell them
gayassroulette: oh honey u don't know the half of it
sunshinedanvers: why do i have thirty-three thousand notifications
gayassroulette has created a chat: karlena for cutest couple
gayassroulette has added sunshinehoe and sunshinedanvers
gayassroulette: the entire underground keeps coming up to me
gayassroulette: and saying shit like 'can you let karlena know we support them'
gayassroulette: pretty sure you've been trending worldwide for a good three hours
gayassroulette: you didn't hear baby super?
sunshinedanvers: no what happened
gayassroulette: ninety thousand people have voted for you and lena luthor
gayassroulette: for the title of national city's cutest couple
sunshinehoe: We've only been together for a few weeks or so!
gayassroulette: have u read ur social media yet
gayassroulette: kara posts one picture of the two of you together today
gayassroulette: with the caption 'so lucky to have this wonderful girl in my life <3'
gayassroulette: and it goes FUCKING VIRAL
sunshinehoe: Well, I mean, it was cute.
gayassroulette: IM TALKING ELEVEN MILLION LIKES AS OF TWO MINUTES AGO
sunshinedanvers: are you serious
gayassroulette: here's ninety-three pages of comments reading something like 'MOMS OMG FOREVER LOVE HEARTEYES'
gayassroulette has attached 93 images to the chat
gayassroulette: here's a compilation of #karlena tweets made by some of the most influential people in the world
gayassroulette: also apparently you SLEPT WITH WONDER WOMAN
sunshinedanvers: IT WAS ONE TIME
sunshinehoe: Are you serious?
gayassroulette: i cannot believe you went from wonder woman to mon hell tbh
sunshinedanvers: yeah that was a bad life decision i get it
gayassroulette: at least you ended up with lena luthor GET IT GIRL
gayassroulette: lmao just KIDDING my dudes haha
gayassroulette: actually tho
gayassroulette: ur gay asses have been voted national city's cutest couple so CONGRATS
gayassroulette: also guess who's writing the article
sunshinedanvers: please tell me it's not myself
gayassroulette: no it's even better
gayassroulette: it's the one and only CLARK KENT
sunshinehoe: Oh my God.
gayassroulette: that's right her cousins gonna have to ask you about ur sex life get ready honbun
sunshinedanvers: i guess i'm just going to just curl up in a ball and die then
super hecka cousins
sunshinedanvers: AAAA I'M SORRY CLARK
imafuckingfeminist: DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HORRIBLE THIS IS GOING TO BE
imafuckingfeminist: also congratulations but more importantly I AM NOT ASKING LENA LUTHOR IF YOU ARE A TIGER IN BED
sunshinedanvers: PLEASE DON'T DO THAT
imafuckingfeminist: DO YOU THINK I FUCKING WANT TO
sunshinedanvers: RAO SAVE ME
imafuckingfeminist: I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO PUBLISH THE PHRASE 'KARA IS/IS NOT A TIGER IN BED'
imafuckingfeminist: SO YOU KNOW WHAT MY DEAR COUSIN FUCK YOU TWO FOR BEING TOO ADORABLE
Chapter 17: supergirl, starring cat grant
wow this chapter was extra shitty
bossassbitch has invited herself into the chat
bossassbitch: what's up motherfuckers
bossassbitch: bow before me peons
gayassroulette: who the fuck is this lady
sunshinedanvers: this is ms. grant! :)
bossassbitch: hello kiera
sunshinedanvers: she means me i'm kiera
bossassbitch: is this called supersquad™ bc kiera is supergirl
sunshinedanvers: yoU CAN STOP RUBBING IT IN NOW
gayassroulette: omg wait that's cat grant
gayassroulette: the infamous really hot ceo
gaymess: oh my god roulette don't
gayassroulette: have u seen her face?
gayassroulette: really. fucking. hot.
bossassbitch: yes that is me
gayassroulette: ooh ;)
gayassroulette has changed bossassbitch's name to kittykittybangbang
kittykittybangbang: bitch i will FUCK YOU UP
kittykittybangbang: COVER YOUR EYES KIERA IM ABOUT TO TEAR THIS BITCH A NEW ONE
[the following statements have been redacted due to an extreme severity of roasting. we apologise for the inconvenience.]
gaymess: HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUDE
gaymess: SHE RIPPED YOUR SELF-ESTEEM OUT THROUGH YOUR ASSHOLE
gayassroulette: IM NOT EVEN MAD THAT WAS SO GOOD
gayassroulette: I FEEL #BLESSED TO HAVE BEEN ROASTED BY SUCH A MASTER
gaymess: JFC I'M SETTING THIS SCREENSHOT AS MY NEW WALLPAPER
gaymess: I WANT TO BE THAT GOOD SOMEDAY
gayassroulette: MY SELF-ESTEEM WENT THROUGH THE FLOOR IT IS NOW NEGATIVE
kittykittybangbang's name has been changed to bossassbitch
bossassbitch: don't mess with me
sunshinedanvers: oh guys snapper's calling me in he looks more constipated than usual hold on
gaymess: was that a
gayassroulette: ACCIDENTAL ROAST
gaymess: my baby sis is growing up
bossassbitch: that is less nice than her usual chirping which is concerning
sunshinehoe: My phone has been going off for about ten minutes and I am in a meeting with several investors.
sunshinehoe: Can you people keep quiet for a few moments, please?
bossassbitch: lena lesbian luthor you will hear me
bossassbitch: if you hurt kiera one (1) time i will rip out your sphincter through your nose
gaymess: i am terrified and the threat was not actually directed toward me
sunshinehoe: Yes, Ms. Grant. I would never try to hurt her.
bossassbitch: doesn't mean you won't
bossassbitch: also i saw l-corp stock went up after the #karlena campaign congratulations
sunshinehoe: Thank you.
bossassbitch: i also took the responsibility of printing out a 5-by-10 foot copy of wonder woman's karlena tweet
bossassbitch: and mailing the framed version to your apartment
bossassbitch: as a matter of fact, i believe it should be delivered by today
bossassbitch: for further reference: [#karlena for the win! @LenaLuthor be sure to hold on to that one; she's a tiger in bed ;)]
gaymess: KARA I CANNOT BELIEVE U BANGED WONDER WOMAN
gaymess: WAS THAT WHAT YOU WERE DOING WHEN WE STOPPED ON EARTH-2
gaymess: OH MY GOD
gayassroulette: that one was my FAVORITE
sunshinedanvers: so um ignoring diana's and my... coital activities
sunshinedanvers: snapper just fired me
gaymess: KARA BBY
bossassbitch: oh i will SHOW HIM who's been FIRED
sunshinehoe: I'll shove seventeen goddamn lawsuits up his ass; I swear to GOD
sunshinedanvers: no cat it's okay!
sunshinedanvers: and babe i'm fine
sunshinedanvers: i just
sunshinedanvers: well, i thought i was good enough to be a reporter
sunshinedanvers: but i guess i'm not
sunshinehoe: BABY NO
gaymess: come over please
gaymess: you too lena
Cat Grant to Lucas "Snapper" Carr
Snapper: Snapper Carr speaking.
Cat: Hmph. I need to discuss a private matter.
Cat: We have had our disagreements, Michael.
Snapper: Yes, we have.
Cat: As a matter of fact, I believe our entire relationship is composed of disagreements. But I believe this one takes the cake.
Snapper: What are you saying, Grant?
Cat: Kiera Dancerton. You fired her today.
Snapper: Who? Oh- her- she wasn't even that good, and she violated the terms of her CatCo contract.
Cat: Whatever. So did you, if I remember correctly. And 'she wasn't even that good'? Really?
Snapper: That was one incident! Danvers has committed a severe violation.
Cat: Listen up, Carson. Your Pulitzer can't protect you forever, not when you throw away talent like it's garbage.
Snapper: Clark Kent is talent! Ponytail can write, sure, but she went against my authority and her contract.
Cat: And that, Preston, is the nature of reporting. Going against authority to find the truth.
Snapper: Yes, but I need to set an example for others. Kara Danvers was a bad example in journalism.
Cat: Spare me the martyr talk, Neal. You published a whole accusatory article about the Luthor girl before you even knew it was true.
Snapper: Neal? Really? That's too far. And also, you're the one who hired me.
Cat: You don't say? I'm also the one who's hiring Kiera. Again. After you so rudely fired her.
Snapper: In my professional opinion-
Cat: Yeah, that obviously has some flaws, doesn't it. How about you keep it to yourself next time.
Cat hangs up, and the line goes dead.
purtyboy: why does snapper "i have never felt fear in my whole life" carr look like he's about to shit his pants
notthrowingawaymyschott: yeah um according to my record
notthrowingawaymyschott: apparently cat grant hired a hitman forty-six seconds ago and now there is a menacing shadow
notthrowingawaymyschott: just. hovering. in his office
purtyboy: THAT'S SO CAT IM SCREAMING IM NOT EVEN GONNA QUESTION WHY
purtyboy: also is kara ok
purtyboy: she left a few minutes ago but no sg stuff has happened on the news yet
bonsaicop: um yeah she got fired
purtyboy: OH SHIT
sunshinehoe has created a chat: ceos who are in love with kara danvers
sunshinehoe has added bossassbitch
sunshinehoe: I'm creating a new press section at L-Corp. Any suggestions for reporters?
bossassbitch: wow how subtle
bossassbitch: also this chat name
sunshinehoe: It's accurate. Don't try to deny it.
bossassbitch: that's true i suppose
bossassbitch: also i suppose i now have to force mickey into tolerating her constant absences
bossassbitch: it's kiera's dream to be a reporter and i will be DAMNED if i let that toad of a man ruin it for her
sunshinehoe: I'll help you ruin him if you like.
bossassbitch: this is why we're acquaintances
sunshinehoe: Acquaintances? I'll have to update my Facebook profile.
bossassbitch: i did it for you already
bossassbitch: also all of your pictures are with you and kara
bossassbitch: can u not
sunshinehoe: It's not my fault I have the best girlfriend.
bossassbitch: whatever i'm happy for you even if you're a vile elephant with half a working brain
sunshinehoe: At least I'm not you, Grant.
sunshinehoe: (And thank you).
Chapter 18: IT'S THE FLASHY KIDS
marry me candice patton also supercorp is canon and this chapter is dedicated to hayley @redkrypto on tumblr idk her ao3 but link me to her i guess ANYWAY IRIS WEST IS PERFECT AND I LOVE HER
iristheangel and flashyboy have entered the chat
sunshinedanvers: SINCE WHEN ARE YOU BACK IN TOWN???
sunshinedanvers: and IRIS WOW I'M SO GLAD YOU GUYS ARE HERE!
flashyboy: yeah um an old friend cashed in a favor
iristheangel: he means that lena luthor said some sappy garbage about missing your smile and so
iristheangel: we came immediately
iristheangel: how are you, kara?
sunshinedanvers: i'm okay
sunshinedanvers: all the better for seeing you guys!!!
sunshinedanvers: and i didn't know you know lena!
iristheangel: we don't!
iristheangel: but she seems nice
sunshinehoe: Iris, Barry! So nice of you to come.
gaymess: it is 5 in the FUCKING MORNING and YOU TWO
gaymess: NEED TO STOP ACTING LIKE A MARRIED COUPLE GREETING NEIGHBORS
gaymess: IN THE PARLOR OF UR FUCKING SUBURBAN FUCKING TWO-STORY
badasslane: that is some oddly detailed imagery and i like it
sunshinehoe: Wait, which of us?
gaymess: either one JFC
iristheangel: she means you all, of course
iristheangel: barry and i are like siblings! :)
flashyboy: haha yeah ur right lmao :)
sunshinehoe has changed iristheangel's name to iristheobliviousangel
sunshinedanvers: where are you guys?
sunshinedanvers: i'm sure alex would love to swing by and pick you up
gaymess: actually i would NOT
sunshinedanvers: alex but it's iris!
iristheobliviousangel: i am pretty amazing
flashyboy: yeah you are
iristheobliviousangel: aw thanks barry
iristheobliviousangel: anyways we're in the desert somewhere lena wasn't very specific with the directions
iristheobliviousangel: it's good!
gaymess: lmao i thought u said u didnt know her
iristheobliviousangel: i don't but i'm PISSED
sunshinedanvers: i'll run over and pick you guys up!
sunshinehoe: Iris West is disconcertingly gorgeous.
sunshinehoe: Also, she's bisexual and nice and from a different planet and very very oblivious.
gaymess: lmao remind u of anyone
sunshinehoe: If it weren't for Kara, I might be in love with her.
sunshinehoe: Also, she and Barry? It is horrifyingly obvious how much he likes her.
bonsaicop: westallen: maybe 'siblings' will be our always
sunshinehoe: Was I that obvious?
gaymess: sweaty u don't know the half of it
gaymess: also maggie when did u wake up
bonsaicop: five seconds ago
gaymess: why is the first thing u do check ur phone
bonsaicop: bc lena keeps getting into trouble and then texting me four hours later after skulking around after kara
sunshinehoe: I do not skulk!
bonsaicop: like fuck u do bitch i see u skulking in the background of every picture featuring kara danvers
bonsaicop: ur gay ass does nothing BUT SKULK
bonsaicop: i'm a detective luthor i detect and also arrest innocent lesbians
gaymess: for reference: lena, me last night
sunshinehoe: No. No. NO. NO.
sunshinehoe: Delete that.
gaymess: [laughing face emoji] [handcuff emoji] [cop emoji] [sweat droplets emoji]
sunshinehoe has left the chat
gaymess has added sunshinehoe to the chat
gaymess: can u stop doing that u gay fuck
sunshinehoe: Stop talking about your sex life.
gaymess: FINE JFC
gaymess: back to ur crush on iris west
sunshinehoe: You don't understand how pretty she is.
bonsaicop: THAT IS ONE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN RIGHT THERE
gaymess: ok i'm awake i wanna meet this lady
sunshinehoe: This is what I'm saying!
sunshinedanvers: alex meeting iris:
sunshinedanvers: hi- um- you're- iris- huh- that's nice- wow- you're pretty- um- hi.
gaymess: dont shame me like this shes gorgeous
gaymess: also imma say
gaymess: BABY LUTHOR I WILL SAY THIS ONE TIME LISTEN UP
gaymess: ur disrespectful ass better not corrupt my baby sister
gaymess: ur jawline is like okay sometimes and ur left eyebrow game is Strong™
sunshinehoe: Wow! What a compliment. I feel blessed.
gaymess: I WILL BLOCK YOU AFDGFHJKL
purtyboy: anyway lets play a game called when did u figure out kara liked lena
sunshinedanvers: NO DON'T
purtyboy: mine was when i was getting patched up and she got all defensive
purtyboy: i was like BITCH UR NOT BEING SUBTLE but hey whatever
bonsaicop: since the arresting incident lmao u pouted and she made this very cute face and i was like
supermom: "i looked into her eyes she's innocent"
sunshinedanvers: MOM I FEEL BETRAYED
supermom: calm down honey it was obvious long before then
sunshinehoe: I figured it out when she kissed me.
gaymess: um u dumb fuck how
gaymess: i knew the day she came back home and was all
gaymess: 'lena told me i could be a reporter!'
gaymess: 'how i long to look into her green eyes every night'
gaymess: 'i sigh, my dear alex, for want of her'
gaymess: 'how i long to kiss those ruby lips! ah! ahctjygvkhjlajlbfhgmnvbfhlij
iristheobliviousangel: what is happening
gaymess: u don't wanna know honey also ur gorgeous
gaymess: i am now going to go fling myself out a window BYE
west & allen & danvers
iristheobliviousangel: why is your username that, barry?
flashyboy: I LIKE SEQUINS??
gaymess: GODDAMN YOURE ALMOST AS BAD AS KARA
iristheobliviousangel: oh okay
iristheobliviousangel: i actually thought you had a crush on the flash for a few months
sunshinedanvers: DID YOU ACTUALLY?
iristheobliviousangel: it sounds stupid, doesn't it? haha
flashyboy: HAHA THAT WOULD BE WEIRD
iristheobliviousangel: aw barry you know i'm great with you being bi
iristheobliviousangel: so am i, after all!
iristheobliviousangel: we're like superbi siblings!
gaymess: THIS IS SO GOOD JESUS I'M DYING
sunshinedanvers: alex not to scare you
sunshinedanvers: but roulette is hanging half off our balcony and i think she's on morphine
gaymess: ok we'll be right back after a short commercial break thank you for watching supercorp fuckwit chatfic BYE
gaymess: HOLY SHIT SHE REALLY IS
Chapter 19: gET READY BINCHES
supercorp getting sanvers married and accidentally marrying each other in the process is my aesthetic
sunshinehoe: Iris! Would you like me to send someone to pick you up?
iristheobliviousangel: no that's fine!
iristheobliviousangel: do you know any good breakfast places
iristheobliviousangel: around wherever we are?
sunshinehoe: Of course!
sunshinehoe: There's this little family-owned place that Kara and I go to sometimes.
sunshinehoe: I could join you, if you don't mind?
iristheobliviousangel: oh sure!
iristheobliviousangel: you want kara to come too?
sunshinehoe: Of course.
sunshinedanvers: sure! just give me a few seconds and i'll pick you guys up!
sunshinedanvers: are you at the office, babe?
sunshinedanvers: awesome! i'll be at your balcony in a few
sunshinehoe: Of course.
sunshinehoe: I love you.
sunshinedanvers: i love you too!
gaymess: ok noah fence but where the FUCK is everyone
gaymess: there are like three agents and jonn what the fuck
gaymess: is it a holiday
gaymess: did i miss something
gaymess: where is the squirrel boy
notthrowingawaymyschott: who is the squirrel boy
notthrowingawaymyschott: wow ok hoe
gaymess: call me hoe one more time
gaymess: and i will beat ur ass
notthrowingawaymyschott: okay okay peace
gaymess: SERIOUSLY WHERE IS EVERYONE
sunshinedanvers: well, lena and i are at breakfast with iris and barry
spacedad: i gave everyone a break.
spacedad: except vasquez.
spacedad: vasquez doesn't need a break.
spacedad: she scares me a little.
gaymess: me too, j'onn. me too
gayassroulette: if it makes you feel better i'm getting my hospital bed wheeled into the deo to keep you company
gayassroulette: also WESTALLEN
flashyboy: um hi
gayassroulette: come to the deo and bring iris she sounds lit
flashyboy: what? do we know you?
gayassroulette: ur about to
gaymess: oh there u are
gayassroulette: wanna see if i can do a backflip from the bed
gaymess: YOU HAVE AN IV IN STOP
gaymess: so i'm now driving to the hospital
gaymess: she knocked herself out doing a backflip
gaymess: because she's a fucking IDIOT
sunshinedanvers: aw is she okay
sunshinedanvers: by the way breakfast finished you should've come
sunshinehoe: Yes, it was lovely. Is Veronica okay?
gaymess: she talks shit in her sleep and it's funny as FUCK
gaymess has sent [shittalker.mp3] to the chat
sunshinehoe: Did you know she insults you frequently in her sleep?
gaymess: i figured
gaymess: wait uve been sleeping with her
gaymess: double timing my sister are we now
sunshinehoe: No! It's not like that.
gaymess: im just messing with you chill baby luthor
gaymess: k she's now back in her room at the hospital
sunshinehoe: I'll drop by with some doughnuts.
gaymess: YES THANK YOU PLS
sunshinehoe: I've got you.
la sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
gaymess: um so i have something to ask you
sunshinedanvers: sure! what's up, alex?
gaymess: so i might want to
gaymess: get married to maggie
sunshinedanvers: I'M SORRY WHAT DID YOU SAY
sunshinedanvers: GET MARRIED
sunshinedanvers: ALEX DANVERS
sunshinedanvers: I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU AM I THE MAID OF HONOR
gaymess: OF COURSE
gaymess: if she says yes
sunshinedanvers: WE HAVE TO PLAN A PROPOSAL THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME
gaymess: UM OK
sunshinedanvers: ROMANTIC SETTING WHAT'S A ROMANTIC SETTING AAAAAAAA
sunshinedanvers: OOH THE BONSAI GARDEN
gaymess: sounds good
sunshinedanvers: OK YOU NEED CHAMPAGNE AND A PICNIC
sunshinedanvers: AND ICE CREAM AND WHISKEY
sunshinedanvers: NO GUNS THOUGH PLEASE
gaymess: [sad face emoji]
sunshinedanvers: CAN WE GO RING SHOPPING TOMORROW
gaymess: yes and thank you nerd
sunshinedanvers: please don't be this awkward when you ask her for her hand
gaymess: for her
gaymess: what would i do with her hand
gaymess: OH ;) SIS LET'S KEEP IT CHILD APPROPRIATE
sunshinedanvers: not like THAT ALEX
gaymess: chill i know what u mean
gaymess: meet u tomorrow at the deo
sunshinedanvers: of course! i'm already looking up bridal shops
gaymess: aw sis i love you
premium maggie sawyer advice™
bonsaicop: i'm considering asking alex to marry me
sunshinehoe: Okay, I just left my meeting. What is happening? When did you decide? What are you planning?
bonsaicop: maybe the aquarium
bonsaicop: or something
bonsaicop: but i'm sure i want to spend the rest of my life with her
bonsaicop: don't aww me u gay
sunshinehoe: Can we go ring shopping tomorrow?
bonsaicop: that'd be awesome
bonsaicop: do i have to ask j'onn or kara for the blessing
sunshinehoe: Both, probably. To be safe.
sunshinehoe: Hi, Kara! What's up?
sunshinedanvers: ok so i stopped my sister in the middle of the street
sunshinedanvers: and i distracted her with a dog
sunshinedanvers: it's really cute, it's a husky puppy and it's so CUTE
sunshinedanvers: anyways so i'm going to cut to the point
sunshinedanvers: why are you and maggie in a wedding boutique looking at rings
sunshinehoe: What? We're not doing anything.
sunshinehoe: Nothing! It's nothing at all!!
sunshinedanvers: that's the worst lie i've ever heard
sunshinehoe: Not as bad as you pretending to be Supergirl.
sunshinedanvers: that's RUDE
sunshinedanvers: please tell me what's happening
sunshinedanvers: IS MAGGIE PLANNING TO PROPOSE TO ALEX AAAAAAAAAA
sunshinedanvers: i'm going to take your silence as a yes
sunshinedanvers: THAT'S SO AWESOME AND LOVELY AND NICE
sunshinedanvers: WE HAVE TO COORDINATE SO THAT THEY PROPOSE TO EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME
sunshinedanvers: i read it in a skimmons fanfic once and it was pure
sunshinedanvers: this is going to be SO AMAZING
sunshinehoe: You can't tell anyone that you know.
sunshinehoe: Not even Winn. I assume J'onn already knows.
sunshinedanvers: yeah i think he does
sunshinedanvers: LET'S GET THESE IDIOTS MARRIED
sunshinehoe: Anything for you.
sunshinehoe: <3 <3
sunshinedanvers: <3 <3 <3
sunshinehoe: <3 <3 <3 <3
sunshinedanvers: i love you
sunshinehoe: I love you too.
gaymess: OH MY GOD
bonsaicop: what what's happening
gaymess: LENA'S SHOPPING FOR RINGS
bonsaicop: mm is she
gaymess: DOES SHE WANT TO MARRY MY LITTLE SISTER ALREADY
gaymess: IT'S BEEN LIKE THREE MONTHS
gaymess: wait why are you not more surprised
bonsaicop: look behind you babe
gaymess: why would i OH
bonsaicop: waving through a window
gaymess: fuck off w the broadway references
gaymess: OMG ARE YOU HELPING HER FIND A RING
gaymess: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
bonsaicop: you didn't ask
bonsaicop: also why are you here
bonsaicop: and why is kara here too lmao
bonsaicop: ARE YOU HELPING KARA FIND A RING
gaymess: um YES I AM
gaymess: WE HAVE TO HELP THEM GET TOGETHER DON'T WE
bonsaicop: LET'S DO IT
premium maggie sawyer advice™
Chapter 20: drama
raven reyes runs the rogue nasa twitter account. featuring ranya and horribly oblivious plotting and bff emotions also HARLEY AND IVY ARE HERE
harlequin has entered the chat
poison has entered the chat
harlequin: hey y'all
sunshinedanvers: harley and ivy!
sunshinedanvers: it's super great to see you guys again
harlequin: cept this time, red got her shit together
poison: was it... not together?
harlequin: i mean you kissin me, doofus
poison: that was nice.
harlequin: the stuff that came after was better than nice, if ya know what i mean
iristheobliviousangel: ooh! newcomers!
harlequin: hiya! ;)
harlequin: i ain't made your acquaintance yet, but it's nice ta meet ya
harlequin: i'm harley quinn
harlequin: formally harleen quinzel
harlequin: course, that's before arkham happened
harlequin: i was a psychologist there
harlequin: was real good at it, too, until red seduced me
poison: i did no such thing!
harlequin: red, baby, your hormones ain't sayin much to the contrary
poison: that's fair.
poison: i believe i should introduce myself
poison: i am poison ivy of gotham city,
poison: formerly and formally pamela isley.
flashyboy: nice to meet you!
flashyboy: i'm barry allen! we're from a different earth
iristheobliviousangel: iris west! i'm from barry's universe
sunshinedanvers: kara danvers!
harlequin: hey you're supergirl, aintcha?
gaymess: she's sensitive
gaymess: i'm alex danvers
gaymess: her sister
bonsaicop: i'm her girlfriend maggie
sunshinehoe: I am Kara's girlfriend, Lena.
gayassroulette: i'm no one's gf but i'm the best person in this whole chat
purtyboy: ouch that hurts
gayassroulette: shove it up your ass you fake skimmons fan
harlequin: ooh! skimmons!
purtyboy: we might as well just rename this chat to skimmons squad tbh
poison: i agree.
harlequin: oh hey red!!
harlequin: ain't we goin out tonight?
poison: of course. selina will be my bridesmaid, correct?
harlequin: course! betcha five bucks that kitty's gonna cry at our wedding
gaymess: you guys are getting married?
harlequin: yep!!! in two months or something
poison: that is, provided neither of us get arrested immediately.
harlequin: aw nah
harlequin: brucey loves us too much to let that happen
poison: personally, i think he's just scared of us.
harlequin: prolly something of both, really
sunshinedanvers: that's really awesome!
sunshinedanvers: guess who else is getting married?
sunshinedanvers: haha! no, silly!
gaymess: and of course it's not ME that would be stupid hahaha
sunshinehoe: Obviously not me.
harlequin: is it you then skimmons boy?
purtyboy: um are you talking to me
purtyboy: no who would i get married to
harlequin: okay then it's.....
poison: roulette, perhaps?
harlequin: ya! is it you?
gayassroulette: what?? i just said
gayassroulette: that i didn't have a gf
gaymess has created a chat: badassery
gaymess has added gayassroulette
gaymess: ok listen up u rainbow fucker
gaymess: here is la situation
gaymess: i'm proposing to maggie
gaymess: and she doesn't know
gaymess: and lena's proposing to kara but maggie thinks kara's proposing back bc i needed a cover
gayassroulette: deadass that's so cute
gaymess: the moral of the story is that u COVER FOR MY ASS
gayassroulette: gotcha and we'll talk about this whole thing later
gayassroulette: i don't have a gf
gayassroulette: because i have a FIANCEE!!
harlequin: that's so nice!! we're buddies now, roullie!!!!!
gayassroulette: that nickname is horrible do NOT
sunshinehoe: EXCUSE ME?
gayassroulette: oh shit
sunshinehoe: A FIANCEE?
sunshinehoe: WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE???
sunshinedanvers: i didn't know you were engaged, roulette! congrats!
sunshinedanvers: who's the lucky gal?
gayassroulette: her name's raven!
gayassroulette: she has dark eyes and dark hair and the mind of a genius and she's an alien!!
gayassroulette: honestly she's the bravest person i've ever met and possibly the smartest
gayassroulette: she's a rocket scientist at nasa and she runs the rogue nasa twitter account
sunshinehoe: Why have I, your best friend in the whole wide world, never met this 'Raven'?
gayassroulette: whatever binch
sunshinehoe: Do NOT 'whatever binch' me, Lisbeth Salander.
gayassroulette: lisbeth SALANDER???????????????
gayassroulette: my tattoos are CLASSY you piece of garbage
sunshinehoe: Also, 'smartest person you've ever met'?
sunshinehoe: Fuck you.
sunshinedanvers: whoa whoa whoa wait no no no no
harlequin: we mighta caused a lil more trouble than usual, red
poison: you may be right.
harlequin: let's clear out for a hot second bye kids
sunshinehoe: I can't believe you.
sunshinehoe: I can't believe you didn't trust me with that.
sunshinehoe: Is it because I'm a Luthor?
sunshinehoe: You didn't trust me with it because she's an alien?
gayassroulette: it's not like that, lena. please.
sunshinehoe: I see how it is.
sunshinedanvers: she'll cool off eventually, i'm sure
sunshinedanvers: besides, that was kind of out of the blue
sunshinedanvers: but congratulations anyways!!
gayassroulette: yeah thanks haha
gayassroulette: so uh guess who fucked up
gaymess: it's your own damn fault why did you give her such a backstory
gaymess: also you were totally talking about raven reyes don't lie to me binch
gayassroulette: yes it was raven and no i have no idea at all why i did that
gayassroulette: goddamn now lena's pissed bc i have a fake fiancee to cover for ur ass
gayassroulette: am i gonna have to buy a ring
gaymess: i'll come with you to shop
gayassroulette: anyways in order to distract myself from my inevitable confession
gayassroulette: UR PROPOSAL
gaymess: oh god not you too
Chapter 21: SKIMMONS HAS ARRIVED
skimmons is canon fuck the aos writers
skyethegreat has entered the chat
simmons has entered the chat
gaymess: oh. my. GOD
gayassroulette: holy FUCKSHIT
purtyboy: what is
bossassbitch: is that skimmons???
skyethegreat: um where are we
simmons: by my calculations, we are on Earth-3.
simmons: i believe fitz must have accidentally left on the teleporter.
simmons: though it is a fascinating development! i will have to record the process that we undertook.
skyethegreat: ok not to burst ur bubble simmons but
skyethegreat: WHERE IN THE FUCK ARE WE
gaymess: OH MY GOD IT'S ACTUALLY SKIMMONS
skyethegreat: um hi who are you
gaymess: alex danvers it's a pleasure to meet you you two are my idols
simmons: alex... danvers?
simmons: like, from the show supergirl?
skyethegreat: oh my god
skyethegreat: we've been sent to an earth where supergirl is real
sunshinedanvers: i'd hope i'm real!! also SKIMMONS
bossassbitch: i'm cat grant and i'm assuming that i star in this supergirl show
skyethegreat: yes! of course.
bossassbitch: hmph. acceptable.
bossassbitch: also, i enjoy watching you two get flustered around each other. do it more often.
skyethegreat: um ok
simmons: wait what's happening?
gaymess: okay okay i'm coming to pick you up i'll take simmons on the motorcycle
gayassroulette: i'll bring my bike for skye where are you guys
skyethegreat: i dunno
simmons: by my calculations, we are just south of national city, along highway 81.
harlequin: who are these nutters
poison: be nice, harley
skyethegreat: are you guys... harley quinn and poison ivy?
harlequin: duh, sugar
skyethegreat: oh my god! i read all your comics growing up!!
flashyboy: hi!! it's so cool to meet you guys!
simmons: barry allen, i assume?
flashyboy: um what how did you get my name from 'flashyboy'
simmons: well, skye loves your show. it's known from the beginning that you're the flash.
iristheobliviousangel: you're the flash?
harlequin: um duh
flashyboy: that must be a wild alternate reality! hahaha
iristheobliviousangel: hahaha! i get it!
simmons: is she always this thick?
skyethegreat: she still doesn't know! you'd know if you paid attention, jem
harlequin: so are y'all together?
skyethegreat: me and.... simmons?
skyethegreat: i don't think so?
skyethegreat: simmons help
simmons: would maybe like to?
skyethegreat: you'd like to
simmons: be a cohesive unit.
simmons: with you.
skyethegreat: you.... would?
simmons: um. yes.
simmons: if that's all right with you.
skyethegreat: come here
simmons: skye, i'm a mile away by now.
skyethegreat: danvers, pull over
gayassroulette: i'm speeding up to get you to your girl if i crash sorry i just got out of the hospital and i'm currently on a heavy dose of morphine
gayassroulette: there you are i'm pulling over
simmons: skye, what are you doing?
skyethegreat: kissing you
gaymess: HOLYKU UHFKC
gayassroulette: THIS IS WHAT I'M HERE FOR
sunshinedanvers: PICTURES PICTURES
sunshinehoe: My dreams have come true.
bossassbitch: listen i have a vague dislike for all of you with the exception of kiera but i love skimmons
gaymess: omg they're still kissing it's been three minutes not that i'm complaining
gayassroulette: listen this is actually what i'm alive for
gayassroulette: two fictional characters teleporting to our earth and then getting together five minutes later
gaymess: actually 90% sure that the core of this earth, instead of lava, is pink kryptonite
gayassroulette: actually that would explain a lot
gayassroulette: like why everyone we know is GAY AS FUCK
gaymess: except mon-hell i think
notthrowingawaymyschott: nah pretty sure he's not
gaymess: um WHAT
notthrowingawaymyschott: it was ONE TIME HE KISSED ME OK I SWEAR UR NOT MY MOM ALEX DANVERS
gaymess: ok we're gonna get back to the fact that you actually made out with monhell
gaymess: but jemma and daisy have been kissing for the past six minutes now
gaymess: and it's really cute but there's a highway patrol car pulling up to us SHIT
gaymess: omg the police cop lady saw simmons' face and ACTUALLY SWOONED
gaymess: SHE'S JUST STARING AT THEM AND BLUSHING A LOT THAT'S SO RELATABLE
gayassroulette: ACTUALLY ME
gayassroulette: she's pretty cute should i ask her out
sunshinedanvers: don't you have a fiancee?
gayassroulette: ooh yeah that's an issue
gayassroulette: this 'having a fiancee' thing is getting real old kids
gayassroulette: can't believe i'm getting cockblocked by raven reyes
gaymess: rip i guess
gayassroulette: also idk if we went over this but lena's proposing????????
gayassroulette: and what about kara does she know
gaymess: actually, kara is planning to propose too! lmao
gaymess: real spicy
gayassroulette: are they still making out
gayassroulette: ok im gonna go ask out the cute police officer
gaymess: best of luck m fellow gay
gayassroulette: i don't need luck with an ass like this
bossassbitch: i am now in my helicopter flying out to see skimmons
notthrowingawaymyschott: TAKE ME WITH YOU
bossassbitch: then hurry up, winslette
notthrowingawaymyschott: oddly close to my actual name
notthrowingawaymyschott: is cat grant getting nicer???????
bossassbitch: move your ass, hobbit
purtyboy: so that's a solid no
bossassbitch: I'M WAITING WINSTON
notthrowingawaymyschott: OK OK
bossassbitch: you're still not here so i'm giving you 5 seconds winifred
bossassbitch: ok guess what bitch ur walking
purtyboy: fine jfc i'll take you to meet skimmons
notthrowingawaymyschott: HELL YEAH
gaymess: skimmons is now safely situated in my apartment
gaymess: and i'm decently sure that we're gonna have to wash the sheets if you know what i mean ;)
bonsaicop: i've got pizza
gaymess: hey babe has lena told you anything about her plans to propose
bonsaicop: um?? a little
gaymess: good cause i have to confront her for the blessing eventually
bonsaicop: WHOA how bout not yet yknow
bonsaicop: well, when is kara planning to propose
gaymess: idk? she hasn't really decided yet?
bonsaicop: then lena will find you when she's ready
villainy ain't dead
harlequin: hey red
harlequin: does somethin seem off to ya
poison: a bit. it seems as if everyone is hiding something.
poison: then again, we are supervillains.
harlequin: nah they're hidin something i can smell it
harlequin: people ain't as good at lyin as they think they are
harlequin: even alex danvers. she's sharp but she ain't perfect.
poison: she does seem flustered around sawyer
poison: a lover's quarrel, perhaps?
harlequin: ya remember the thing with the marriages
poison: yes. perhaps they are hiding the evidence of their intent to propose.
harlequin: sounds pretty solid, yeah?
poison: while unlikely, it is certainly more possible than the 'roulette' character having a fiancee.
harlequin: i guess we'd better shove them along, huh?
poison: sounds like an excellent plan.
Chapter 22: proposalception
ok this is getting real confusing so here are some Character Perspectives™
alex: alex knows she's going to propose to maggie, and thinks lena's going to propose to kara. she knows kara's not proposing to lena, and she thinks maggie's not proposing to her.
lena: lena knows alex and maggie are planning to propose to each other, and is completely unaware of alex thinking that she's going to propose
maggie: she's proposing to alex, but she thinks kara's planning to propose to lena. she knows lena's not planning on proposing, but she's keeping up the charade to take suspicion away from herself.
kara: she knows alex and maggie are going to propose to each other and she knows she's not proposing to lena but she doesn't know that sanvers are lying to each other about her and lena getting married
roulette: ok alex lied to her face now she thinks kara and lena are going to get married but she knows alex is proposing to maggie but now my bby is figuring it out!!!
j'onn: j'onn knows everything probably idk
gayassroulette: what the f u c k is happening
gaymess: what do you mean
gayassroulette: i just
gayassroulette: have no idea
gayassroulette: what the fuck
gayassroulette: is happening
gaymess: so ur having a pretty normal day it sounds like
gayassroulette: [middle finger emoji]
gayassroulette: hows ur proposal plan going
gayassroulette: and kara and lena are proposing right
gaymess: *sweats nervously*
gaymess: um there may have been some miscommunication
gayassroulette: which means...?
gayassroulette: you lied to me didn't you
gaymess: suddenly i'm having a family emergency BYOEGKVHJHKGFDGS
gaymess: GET OFF MY FUCKING BALCONY YOU BITCH
gayassroulette: TELL ME THE TRUTH BEFORE I TAKE THIS BLOWTORCH TO YOUR ASS
gaymess: WE BOTH KNOW I COULD KICK YOUR ASS IN HAND-TO-HAND
gayassroulette: BITCH I HAVE TWENTY YEARS OF TRAINING AND A BLACK BELT
gayassroulette: YOUR EGO IS TRULY ASTONISHING TBH
gayassroulette: AND STOP DISTRACTING ME WITH FALSE CLAIMS
gayassroulette: WHAT DID YOU LIE ABOUT
gaymess: suddenly i can't read
gaymess: i don't know her
gaymess: never told a lie in my whole life
gayassroulette: ur a secret agent you fucking bitch
gaymess: idk what ur talking about
gaymess: what is a secret even never heard of it
gaymess: fine fine
gaymess: so um
gayassroulette: SORRY BITCH I THINK I MISHEARD YOU
gayassroulette: DON'T SAY THAT SHIT
gaymess: ok in my defence i'm p sure lena's proposing
gayassroulette: LIKE FUCK SHE IS
gaymess: MAGGIE TOLD ME SHE WAS DOING IT
gayassroulette: LENA 'SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME THAT WAY' LUTHOR
gayassroulette: IS NOT GONNA DO THAT SHIT
gaymess: which means someone's lying
gayassroulette: hold up lemme go confront a binch
boarding school buddies
gayassroulette: hey um
gayassroulette: why the HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PROPOSING TO KARA
sunshinehoe: Why didn't you tell me you had a fiancée?
sunshinehoe: Also, what?
gayassroulette: and what do you mean, 'what'
sunshinehoe: I think you're mistaken.
gayassroulette: mistaken my gay ass
sunshinehoe: The only people proposing to anyone are Maggie and Alex.
gayassroulette: um WHAT WHAT WHAT
gayassroulette: MAGGIE'S PROPOSING?
sunshinehoe: I- what???
sunshinehoe: You didn't know that?
gayassroulette: i fulkbhhjkadjks
sunshinehoe: Where did you get the idea I was proposing?
sunshinehoe: I've only been dating Kara for a month or so!
gayassroulette: then why is alex
gayassroulette: IDK I'M JUST REALLY CONFUSED
sunshinehoe: What's happening?
gayassroulette: ok i think that
gayassroulette: actually i have no idea i take that back
gayassroulette: what the fuck is e v e n h a p p e n i n g
gayassroulette: did you tell alex lena's proposing
bonsaicop: i plead the fifth
gayassroulette: you CAN'T DO THAT DID YOU TELL HER
bonsaicop: in my defence
bonsaicop: she just ASSUMED OKAY
bonsaicop: I MAY HAVE HELPED HER TO THE ASSUMPTION BUT
bonsaicop: if kara's proposing then it'll all be fine
gayassroulette: what in the
gayassroulette: OKAY WHAT'S HAPPENING
bonsaicop: i'm proposing to alex
bonsaicop: kara's proposing to lena
bonsaicop: lena's not proposing to kara i don't think
bonsaicop: it's a little complicated
gayassroulette: no SHIT sherlock
gayassroulette: ok detective i have NO IDEA WHAT'S HAPPENING
bonsaicop: i mean, it's simpler than a drug cartel
gayassroulette: depends on your point of view
gayassroulette: good talk i'm now even more confused than i was before
gayassroulette has created a new chat: objective perspective
gayassroulette has added badasslane and lololane
gayassroulette: i'm gonna need some help real fast
lololane: hit me
gayassroulette: maggie is proposing to alex according to lena but alex is also proposing to maggie and they don't want each other to know so they've tricked each other
gayassroulette: by saying that kara and lena are proposing as a cover for them to go shopping for wedding stuff so kara is proposing to lena according to alex and lena is proposing to kara according to maggie
gayassroulette: and both of them are totally oblivious to alex and maggie's pretending that they're proposing and not proposing to each other and so they both just are trying to set up alex and maggie
gayassroulette: while maggie thinks that kara is proposing she's hiding that lena's not proposing and alex knows that kara's not proposing but she kind of thinks that lena's planning on proposing
gayassroulette: and they keep running into each other in wedding boutiques and haphazardly planning two proposals, one of which is not actually happening
gayassroulette: so far, alex has spent three hundred dollars on two sets of diamond rings because maggie walked by and she panicked and grabbed the nearest pair of rings she could find and bought it accidentally
gayassroulette: and maggie's credit card has gone the same way with bottles of wine i think she bought three bottles of lena's favorite wine when alex leaned in next to her
gayassroulette: so we have two people who don't know they're proposing to each other and two people who think one of them is proposing to the other and playing along with the idea that the other one is proposing too
gayassroulette: just to cover their own asses proposing to each other
gayassroulette: at this rate we're not going to have an actual marriage but we might have a marriage neither of the people knows about
lololane: im not drunk enough for this yet
lololane: hit me w some teq
lololane: it's in my bag can you grab it
badasslane: there's no tequila in here
lololane: sorry WHAT
badasslane: there are three half-full bottles of vodka
lololane: oh goody even better
lololane: i got the shotglasses here
badasslane: .. lois
badasslane: we don't have six people coming over
lololane: seven of them are for me
lololane: you can have the last one i guess
gayassroulette: where are you guys
lololane: metropolis stupid
lololane: where are you
gayassroulette: it's ten in the morning
lololane: which means it's drinking time!!!!!!!
gayassroulette: is ur sister ok
lololane: she's fine
gayassroulette: i was talking to lucy
badasslane: yah she'll be fine
badasslane: she usually gets through two shots and then falls asleep
badasslane: and there she goes
badasslane: ok what do you need
badasslane: ok have a talk with the gays
gayassroulette: which ones
badasslane: alex n maggie
badasslane: tell them they gotta work it out inform them of the situation
badasslane: and stop the accidental karlena proposal train before it leaves the station
badasslane: funny though it would be
badasslane: tell alex to inform kara that now she and maggie think that she and lena are proposing to each other
badasslane: GOD THIS IS SO COMPLICATED
gayassroulette: tell me about it
gayassroulette: thanks lil gay lane
badasslane: that's director lane to you bitch
badasslane: also i'm decently sure ur wanted by the deo
gayassroulette: um ouch hurtful
gayassroulette: WAIT DO I HAVE A BOUNTY
badasslane: yeah it's like 1 million or something
gayassroulette has transferred $1,000,000 to badasslane
badasslane: UM NO
badasslane: HOW DID YOU EVEN DO THAT
gayassroulette: am i no longer a wanted criminal
badasslane: IS THAT MONEY LAUNDERED
badasslane: IS IT MADE OFF OF ILLEGAL PROFITS FROM THE HOUSE
badasslane: YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME FIRED
badasslane: THEY'LL ASSUME I'M BEING BRIBED
gayassroulette: calm down it's not as if i meet you on a regular basis
gayassroulette: to do totally legal and non-illicit activities
badasslane: thAT IS THE MOST SUSPICIOUS WAY OF DESCRIBING GAME NIGHTS IN HISTORY
badasslane: ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME FIRED
gayassroulette: :) i'm :) just :) your :) normal :) average :) joe :) mildly :) wanted :) criminal :)
gayassroulette: :) having :) a :) good :) chat :) with :) my :) good :) friend :)
gayassroulette: :) who :) also :) happens :) to :) be :) the :) head :)
gayassroulette: :) of :) the :) department :) that's :) charged :) with :) arresting :) me :)
gayassroulette: :) who :) i :) also :) recently :) have :) given :) one :) million :) dollars :) to :)
gayassroulette: :) as :) a :) purely :) platonic :) unsuspicious :) gift :)
badasslane: i'm not even going to get fired i'll just get put in a federal prison
gayassroulette: :) i’ll break you out
badasslane: i hate you
Chapter 23: chapter titties are great
yes, it is the illustrious root and shaw from poi!!!!! and yes, the chapter title is a reference to my wonderful friend's, @woofwolf (musicalheartstrings), typo! furthermore, ao3 deleted this chapter three times on separate occasions and i lost all motivation to do anything but anyways HERE IT IS
gaymess: no homo
gaymess: but you looked kind of ok today
bonsaicop: when shes romantic [sweat droplets emoji]
bonsaicop: also what do you mean 'no homo'
bonsaicop: we're both gay
bonsaicop: we gay together on a consistent basis
gaymess: tru lmao
gaymess: why are you awake at 2 am
bonsaicop: why are you awake at 2 am
gaymess: i asked first bitch
bonsaicop: i'm at work
gaymess: well i'm hungover and vomiting
bonsaicop: it's 2 am how are you hungover
gaymess: cause lena luthor's a fuckin mess
bonsaicop: ok i knew that but
bonsaicop: what does that have to do with you being hungover
gaymess: she called me at 3 pm
gaymess: or something idk
gaymess: and started talking in a really high-pitched voice
gaymess: about doing it with my sister
gaymess: doing it
bonsaicop: okay understood
gaymess: and then i needed to drink a full bottle of whiskey
gaymess: and forget everything ever said to me ever
gaymess: so now i'm hungover as all fuck
gaymess: also i came up with a theory
gaymess: hear me out
gaymess: the reason so many gays keep guest starring in our universe
gaymess: like sara and nyssa and that shit
gaymess: and then they like disappear miraculously
gaymess: it's because pieces of our earth
gaymess: are made of pink kryptonite
bonsaicop: the gay shit?
gaymess: the gay shit
gaymess: cause like when the moon did a boom and became a separate being
gaymess: it left behind shards of pink kryptonite
gaymess: which were embedded in the earth's surface
gaymess: ie the moon is a pink lesbian who left behind pieces of sheer gay power in our earth
gaymess: and then i did an algorithm thing
gaymess: to map the locations of the shards
gaymess: and by my calculations
gaymess: the next guest stars should be arriving
gaymess: at your apartment
gaymess: right around
h4ck3r and foodndogs have entered the chat
h4ck3r: yes, sweetie? <3
foodndogs: where the hell are we?
h4ck3r: national city! :)
foodndogs: like, supergirl?
h4ck3r: yep! :D
h4ck3r: ooh, this bed looks nice!
foodndogs: how are you already tired?
h4ck3r: not for that purpose, sweetie ;)
bonsaicop: DO NOT HAVE SEX IN MY APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!
h4ck3r: you must be margaret sawyer, detective of the ncpd, with the gross parents, avid lover of guns, scotch, and bonsai trees! :D
h4ck3r: i have to say, it's a pleasure to finally meet you!!
bonsaicop: how did you know that
h4ck3r: i have my ways ;)
gaymess: what's up losers
gaymess: oh my GOD YOUR NAME IS MARGARET
bonsaicop: uh.. duh?
gaymess: i just
gaymess: it remains me of like
gaymess: a really old lady with a tiny fckn
bonsaicop: um RUDE ALEXANDRA
gaymess: oh yeah by the way i'm alex this is my gf maggie
gaymess: everyone else is asleep cause they're losers
gaymess: wait actually
gaymess: BABY LUTHOR KARA WANTS YOU
sunshinehoe: WHAT'S WRONG????
sunshinehoe: Shut your mouth, Alexandra.
gaymess: don't full name me you hoe
sunshinehoe: Don't tell me what to do.
gaymess: you watch me
gaymess: is it past your bedtime baby luthor
gaymess: why aren't you responding
sunshinehoe: Why am I locked into this chat?
sunshinehoe: I can't get out. How did you-
sunshinehoe: What is happening? Why did my phone background just change to a winky anonymous face?
sunshinehoe: Stop messing with my phone, Alex!
gaymess: um... that's not me.
h4ck3r: yep! that's me!
sunshinehoe: Um. Hi?
h4ck3r: lena luthor, right? :D
h4ck3r: i love your work in the sciences! i especially loved the enormous holographic rainbow you set in the sky for the entirety of pride month!
gaymess: THAT WAS YOU
gaymess: I KNEW IT I KNEW THAT WAS YOU I KNEW IT HAHAHA WINN OWES ME SO MUCH MONEY
sunshinehoe: Wait. Winn bet against me?
gaymess: HE THOUGHT IT WAS KARA I'M HISSING
h4ck3r: also, if you're wondering why your prototype #09707 blueprint just disappeared off your phone
h4ck3r: that was me!
sunshinehoe: Is she supposed to have access to my phone?
gaymess: probably not
foodndogs: i wouldn't worry about trying to block her out.
foodndogs: she's very persistent.
bonsaicop: um ok who are you
h4ck3r: duh!! i'm root!
foodndogs: she's a perky psychopath and i would not advise ever talking to her.
h4ck3r: aw, shaw <3
h4ck3r: this is sameen shaw, the love of my life!! :D <3 <3 <3
bonsaicop: awww cute
sunshinehoe: It'd be more cute if my phone wallpaper had not just turned into live footage of a beating human heart.
sunshinehoe: How did you even get a camera in there?
bonsaicop: everyone has their quirks, luthy.
h4ck3r: i like this one!
sunshinehoe: I don't.
h4ck3r: aww :( turn that frown upside down! :)
h4ck3r: here, i'll help you out!
sunshinehoe: I love and support all of my friends; Maggie is one of my favourite people ever!
bonsaicop: thanks babe :)
h4ck3r: i love it when everyone gets along!
gaymess: p sure baby luthor's phone is the most secure thing on the planet
gaymess: how did you even do that
h4ck3r: don't ask questions, sweetie :)
gaymess: okay you fantastic wonderful being of earth
gaymess: uM I DID NOT SAY THAT
gayassroulette: what the fuck is happening right now
gayassroulette: my phone is vibrating a whole lot and i'm in the middle of evil business and being turned on isn't helping
gaymess: ok pause for one quick second
gaymess: where do you keep your phone
gayassroulette: in my panties dumbass
gayassroulette: where else
gaymess: LITERALLY ANYWHERE
gayassroulette: ok have you seen the dresses i wear on regular occasion
gayassroulette: what would you describe them as
h4ck3r: aw sameen you're hotter
foodndogs: that wasn't what i meant
gayassroulette: i would say 'devastatingly attractive' but whatever take your pick
gayassroulette: obviously if i'm going around doing backflips i can't have my phone in my bra
gayassroulette: and so i just shove it down there so i can have it on me
gayassroulette: it's not exactly comfortable and it's pretty hard to grab it on short notice
gayassroulette: but it spices things up ;)
gaymess: ok but why not ANYWHERE ELSE
gayassroulette: come up with a better solution loser
gaymess: in your shoes
gaymess: don't you ever wear normal shoes
gayassroulette: binch i climb fifty-story buildings in six inch heels
gayassroulette: as a matter of fact i'm climbing yours now
gaymess: the last time you forgot that my window opens and you just kicked it in and the repairwoman showed up
gaymess: and by way of explanation i told her that i was throwing darts
gaymess: and now she thinks i'm nuts so do NOT
gayassroulette: ok fun-ruiner i'll just go to sawyer's
foodndogs: yeah um about that we might be currently a little busy on her bed
foodndogs: you heard right [smug-faced emoji]
gaymess: that's disGUSTING
h4ck3r: ok children let's not fight
gaymess: yes madame root you are wonderful and amazing as usual
gaymess: STOP DOING THAT
Chapter 24: poor clark
ok this one's a tiny baby chapter but i PROMISE next chapter you will have your damn wayhaught also i'm going MIA for a lil while in a wifi-less place but I'LL BE BACK
h4ck3r: ladies and gentlemen and aliens and all
h4ck3r: welcome back to the supercorp fuckwit chatfic!!! :D
h4ck3r: i'm your host and main character, root!
h4ck3r: this is the light of my life, the fire of my loins, sameen shaw!
foodndogs: shut the fuck up.
foodndogs: go back to sleep it's too early for your omnipotence bullshit
foodndogs: also never say loins again
gaymess: hi everyone i still have a hangover and i want to die
gaymess: also roulette is passed out on my balcony with a shotglass balanced on her nose clutching a wad of money
gaymess: i'm pretty sure there's a gun poking out of her ass
gaymess: nope it's her phone
sunshinedanvers: alex!!!! i just punched out a guy and someone took a picture of it and i look so cool!!!
gaymess: you never look cool you nerd
gaymess: also should i wake roulette up or nah
gaymess: ok she is HOLDING A BOMB MAGGIE COME ON EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY I'LL JUST CALL HER FROM THE FREEWAY
purtyboy: dear god
purtyboy: also kara and lena: your interview with clark about whether or not kara's a tiger in bed
purtyboy: yeah um
purtyboy: that's today
purtyboy: at one o'clock
sunshinedanvers: RAO SAVE ME
Alex Danvers to Roulette
Roulette: *croaking* What the fuck.
Maggie: Hey, RoRo. What's up?
Roulette: Don't play games with me, Sawyer. I know where you live.
Alex: *faintly, in the distance* Is that Roulette? Give me the phone. *speaking* Good morning, you murderous bitch.
Roulette: Morning, you troll. What do you want?
Alex: Can you dispose of the bomb in your hand?
Roulette: Uh- I think my hand being on it is the only thing keeping it from going off.
Roulette: Should I just leave it in your bathtub or something?
Alex: No! No! Do not do that!
Roulette: Fun-ruiner. Hey, what's with the shotglass?
Alex: I have no idea. You woke up with it on your nose.
Roulette: Are those hundred-dollar bills or fifties?
Alex: Fifties, I think.
[Roulette snorts in contempt, and there's the sound of someone shuffling around.]
Alex: Um, what are you doing?
Roulette: Where do you keep your glitter glue?
Alex: I don't-
Maggie: In the far right shelf of the living room.
Roulette: Got it.
Alex: What the fuck are you doing with glitter glue?
Roulette: I'm gluing fifty-dollar bills to the bomb.
Alex: Wha- why- that's- you know what, that's not even the strangest thing you've ever said.
Roulette: Mm. Shut the fuck up now, I'm decorating.
[There's silence for about five minutes, but for the squelch of wet glue and Roulette humming 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow'.]
Roulette: Hey, can you guys stop by the crafts store?
Maggie: For what?
Roulette: I need some of those stick-on sequins and also the biggest package of rainbow glitter you can find.
Alex: Jesus. Okay. Just don't take your hand off the bomb.
[Driving sounds, and then the sound of someone turning into a lot. A few more minutes of the sounds of walking.]
Alex: *distantly* Maggie, that's thirty pounds of glitter. It's taller than you are.
Maggie: Yeah, but consider: it looks super gay.
Alex: Fucking Christ. Okay. Fine. How much is it?
Maggie: Fifty dollars.
Alex: What the hell? I'm not a goddamn millionaire. I can't afford this much glitter.
Roulette: Yes you can, bitch.
Alex: Fine! Jesus! I'll buy your damn glitter.
Roulette: Hurry. My hands are getting tired.
Alex: Oh, fuck you.
gaymess: i fucking hate you
harlequin: ouch! that hurts, honeybear
gaymess: not you. roulette.
poison: what did she do?
gaymess: did you not see?
gaymess: she took me hostage and forced my sister to carry her two hundred feet above the city
gaymess: and then dropped the bag of glitter with a bomb in it
gaymess: and national city now has a glitter epidemic of incredible proportions
badasslane: SO THAT WAS YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
badasslane: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE THIS IS FOR THE CITY
badasslane: I HATE YOU
super hecka cousins
imafuckingfeminist: i hope you know how much pain this is going to cause me, kara.
sunshinedanvers: WHAT ABOUT ME, CLARK?
sunshinedanvers: WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
imafuckingfeminist: oh my god here's the transcript for the questions i'm asking please prepare yourselves in advance
imafuckingfeminist has attached a file to the chat: [ohraoihateeverything.word]
[How do you guys feel about being National City's cutest couple?
How did you guys meet?
Kara, can you tell me about how it is being the girlfriend of such a high-profile figure?
What are some things you love about each other?
What are some things you don't love so much about each other?
As for the recent tweet from Wonder Woman, what are your comments? (bleach my eyes oh rao)
How's that life going under the sheets, by the way? (so help me rao i'm not saying that)
What's the perfect date for both of you?
Can you guys give our readers some advice for their love lives?
Anything to say about popping the question?]
sunshinedanvers: oh rao
sunshinedanvers: please just shoot me now and get it over with
imafuckingfeminist: i hate everything so much
Chapter 25: too haught (haught damn)
y'all are sleeping on the lesbians from the bold type wATCH THE BOLD TYPE PLEASE
anyways, here's the requisite wayhaught and also wynonna watches the gay and wondrous life of caleb gallo (if you haven't seen it, check it out on youtube it's the good shit)
super hecka cousins
imafuckingfeminist: not that i don't adore you
imafuckingfeminist: but i would like to actually apply bleach to my retinas
sunshinedanvers: that photoshoot was possibly the worst thing ever
imafuckingfeminist: james looked so uncomfortable oh rao
sunshinedanvers: it's nOT MY FAULT THAT THEY CHOSE TO HOLD THE SHOOT ON A BED
sunshinedanvers: and that lena likes being
imafuckingfeminist: nO SHIT
imafuckingfeminist: WHY DOES SHE HAVE A FRAMED PICTURE OF THE WONDER WOMAN TWEET
sunshinedanvers: I DON'T KNOW CLARK I THINK CAT GRANT GAVE IT TO HER
imafuckingfeminist: THAT'S SO WEIRD
sunshinedanvers: I KNOW OKAY I KNOW
imafuckingfeminist: I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE SHE LOOKED ME RIGHT IN THE EYE AND SAID
imafuckingfeminist: 'MY IDEAL DATE IS BREAKFAST AND BED, WITH DESSERT' AND THEN WINKED
imafuckingfeminist: AND I CAN'T PUT HER WONDER WOMAN RESPONSE IN THERE IT IS NOT PG ENOUGH
sunshinedanvers: was that the one where i left to the bathroom dear rao i don't want to know
imafuckingfeminist: yes it DAMN WELL WAS
imafuckingfeminist: 'well, clark, i'll spare you the details, but' and then she proceeded to NOT SPARE THE DETAILS
imafuckingfeminist: 'she does this thing with her fingers that really works for me, ya know what i'm saying'
imafuckingfeminist: and then she made the universal gesture for scissoring
sunshinedanvers: oh rao
imafuckingfeminist: i'm going to go bleach my eyes bye
imafuckingfeminist: do you know if people can take away a pulitzer
toohaught, flamethrower, and topshelf have entered the chat
flamethrower: holy shit! we're in a different universe!
topshelf: imno t drunk enough for this yet
topshelf: also why didnt my clothing teleport with me
flamethrower: you yelled something about 'does anyone have any goddamn weed'
topshelf: eh pretty normal occurrence
flamethrower: and stripped in the street and then fell on your face and passed out
topshelf: less normal usually i wait until im within staggering distance of the house
toohaught: please cover yourself.
topshelf: aw dont be shy haught you said it yourself
topshelf: this ass is top shelf
toohaught: top shelf or no you're my girlfriend's sister and for the love of god put some underwear on and stop doing yoga
gayassroulette: not to interrupt what appears to be a lovely bonding session
gayassroulette: but where the fuck are you guys
topshelf: dunno my phone was in my jeans
toohaught: we're in
h4ck3r: welcome to the gay and wondrous world of supergirl!
flamethrower: oh my god!!!!!!!
flamethrower: i love supergirl!
flamethrower: i read all the comics growing up!
sunshinedanvers: well, i'm the lady herself!
toohaught: it's a pleasure, miss danvers.
gayassroulette: hey, charmer, your girlfriend's standing right next to you
toohaught: just bein' polite, miss roulette.
gayassroulette: we're driving out to metropolis now can you meet us by the bakery
flamethrower: wynonna, take the damn shirt before i finally get to properly use my shotgun.
gayassroulette: i'm gonna take that as confirmation bye also please don't kill each other
premium maggie sawyer advice™
bonsaicop: not to be that bitch
bonsaicop: but something's wrong
bonsaicop: and this is not only due to the fact that wynonna earp came here without any clothes but
bonsaicop: apparently carries a gun called peacemaker
bonsaicop: which she keeps in her ass
bonsaicop: or an ass holster
bonsaicop: i'm trying not to think about it but anyways
bonsaicop: my main problem is that
bonsaicop: you and kara have only been dating for a few months at most
sunshinehoe: Yes, and?
bonsaicop: is kara really proposing to you?
sunshinehoe: Kara’s proposing to me?!??!!!!
bonsaicop: well, according to alex
sunshinehoe: Alex told you Kara’s proposing to me?
bonsaicop: and i’ve been thinking about it and it doesn’t make any sense
bonsaicop: cause they’ve been hanging around the wedding shops
bonsaicop: and i can think of approximately 0 explanations
sunshinehoe: Kara wouldn’t propose on such short notice. She likes to take things slow.
sunshinehoe: Very slow.
bonsaicop: didn’t need to know that thanks
bonsaicop: also i may have made a few things up in the course of my life
sunshinehoe: Spit it out, Sawyer.
bonsaicop: well uh
bonsaicop: i might have
bonsaicop: like totally accidentally
bonsaicop: i’m like a little innocent angel
bonsaicop: but with a better ass ya know lmao
bonsaicop: but uh
sunshinehoe: Just tell me!
bonsaicop: ok ok jeez louise what’s with the peer pressure
bonsaicop: i had a little talk with roulette
bonsaicop: and she told me to be honest about my feelings and my mistakes
sunshinehoe: No, she didn’t. And stop stalling.
bonsaicop: you’re right yeah she told me to suck it up and ‘be your proud gunbitch self’
bonsaicop: i digress
bonsaicop: i may have
bonsaicop: totally accidentally
bonsaicop: told the love of my life alexandra danvers
bonsaicop: that you
bonsaicop: were proposing to her little sister
sunshinehoe: I’m sorry?
sunshinehoe: You did what?
bonsaicop: i nEEDED A COVER I’M SORRY
sunshinehoe: So Alex thinks I’m proposing to Kara?
bonsaicop: yeah but really kara’s proposing to you
sunshinehoe: But is she?
sunshinehoe: I’m 99% sure that she would wait a little longer, till we were both prepared for it.
sunshinehoe: It’s not a very Kara-like thing to do, if you think about it.
bonsaicop: ok so what if kara’s not proposing
bonsaicop: why would they be at the wedding shops
sunshinehoe: Kara, I need help.
sunshinedanvers: what’s wrong??
sunshinehoe: I’m not in danger or anything.
sunshinehoe: Look, I’m just going to ask you now.
sunshinehoe: Are you proposing to me?
sunshinedanvers: not to my knowledge?
sunshinedanvers: we’ve only been dating for a few months!
sunshinedanvers: why, do you want to get married now?
sunshinehoe: No, no!
sunshinehoe: Maggie’s suspicious.
sunshinehoe: She doesn’t think that Alex is proposing, not yet.
sunshinehoe: But if you’re not proposing, then you two have no other reason to be in the shops.
sunshinehoe: I’ve attempted to help Alex’s situation, but I’m running out of ideas.
sunshinedanvers: okay, okay!
sunshinedanvers: i have an idea!
sunshinedanvers: tell her that i tried to dodge the question
sunshinedanvers: set it up like i’m actually planning to propose to you
sunshinedanvers: we only need to do this for another three weeks
sunshinedanvers: which is when alex is set to propose
sunshinehoe: And Maggie, too.
sunshinehoe: The observatory, right?
sunshinehoe: Oh God. This is going to be a bad idea.
sunshinehoe: Okay, okay. Let’s do this.
sunshinedanvers: aw i love you
sunshinedanvers: i might drop in at your office in a moment
sunshinedanvers: it’s been way too long since i last kissed you
sunshinehoe: You saw me this morning.
sunshinedanvers: i know
sunshinedanvers: like i said
sunshinedanvers: way too long
premium maggie sawyer advice™
sunshinehoe: I just asked Kara, up-front, to her face, if she was proposing.
bonsaicop: oH MY GOD DID YOU ACTUALLY
bonsaicop: ONLY YOU, BABY LUTHOR
bonsaicop: ONLY YOU WOULD PULL THAT KINDA SHIT
sunshinehoe: She tried to dodge the question, and then she just left the chat.
bonsaicop: ARE YOU SERIOUS
sunshinehoe: i think she really is planning on proposing
bonsaicop: oh my GOD
bonsaicop: this is so weird I LOVE IT
bonsaicop: do you think you’ll say yes when she asks?
sunshinehoe: I don’t doubt it.
gayassroulette: that road trip took significantly longer than planned
flamethrower: not to be accusatory but it’s wynonna’s fault
topshelf: im offended sis
flamethrower: you made us stop at three different liquor stores
gayassroulette: and midway between store 2 and store 3 you poured whiskey on my dash
gayassroulette: and said some shit about ‘inferior brands’
gayassroulette: and now the rockets don’t work anymore
gayassroulette: do you guys not have rocket launchers inside your cars
gaymess: hm i wonder
gayassroulette: anyway the lovebirds and the adult honey boo boo child are now safely tucked away
gayassroulette: in mY GODDAMN APARTMENT
gayassroulette: ALEX GETS SKIMMONS AND HARLIVY
gayassroulette: MAGGIE GETS ROOT AND SHAW (and bear which i’m even madder about)
gayassroulette: AND I GET THE SHOTGUN-HAPPY CHEERLEADER,
gayassroulette: THE MADDENINGLY ATTRACTIVE COWGIRL,
gayassroulette: AND THE FIVE-YEAR-OLD NAKED BABY WITH A PISTOL.
Chapter 26: doughnut roulette
hey so FedoraNoir said something about wynonna/roulette and it sort of... spiralled from there
also, a note: everyone who's entered this universe is still here! sara and nyssa are in metropolis with lois, skimmons is staying with alex (and the reason you haven't heard from them in a while is because there's some gratuitous r-rated action occurring) though alex does occasionally exile them to a hotel room when they get a little too loud, harlivy's also with alex though they get up to god-knows-what at night and alex occasionally wakes up to find harley sleeping under the kitchen countertop and ivy dangling from the ceiling in a hammock of vines. root and shaw (and bear!) are staying with maggie, and wayhaught (and by that i mean mostly wynonna) are busy ruining roulette's entire house.
and yes, you will get your hollstein.
gayassroulette has created a chat: wyNOnna
gayassroulette has added topshelf
gayassroulette: yoU'RE A FUCKING CHILD I SWEAR
gayassroulette: A TWENTY SEVEN YEAR OLD
gayassroulette: WITH THE MATURITY OF A TODDLER AND THE EMOTIONAL CAPACITY OF A ONE YEAR OLD
gayassroulette: WITH AN UNDYING LOVE FOR UNHEALTHY AMOUNTS OF LIQUOR AND AN INFURIATINGLY GREAT ASS
topshelf: what can i say the ass is genetic
gayassroulette: yeah well DO I CARE
topshelf: yes you do i see you looking
topshelf: ur not subtle bitch
gayassroulette: well the ass is countered by the fact that you sent me on a 'necessary errand' at MIDNIGHT
topshelf: it's not like we were sleeping
topshelf: and also post coital doughnuts are important
gayassroulette: anyways i'm driving back now
gayassroulette: with three powdered jelly and a dozen assorted doughnuts and rainbow edible glitter, as requested
gayassroulette: and also a grenade but whatever unimportant am i right
gayassroulette: anyways how're you planning on eating the doughnuts
topshelf: im not eating all of them
topshelf: did you buy the nails too
gayassroulette: yeah eleven six-inch nails
topshelf: dont they come in a dozen pack
gayassroulette: the hardware guy grabbed my ass so i nailed his hand to the wall
topshelf: thats my girl
gayassroulette: what exactly are you planning with the doughnuts tho
topshelf: im making russian roulette doughnuts
topshelf: im filling each one from the assorted with glitter and then one of them will have the bomb
gayassroulette: ok what are you doing with them
topshelf: ill set them out at the deo and hope for the worst
topshelf: also the three jelly-filled are for me im hungry
toohaught: why is wynonna flirting with roulette
flamethrower: she's a creature of inexplicable habits
flamethrower: like attraction to mysterious gorgeous people with shady backstories
toohaught: ok not that i'm not happy for her
toohaught: but also her bedroom is right next to ours
flamethrower: oh god
flamethrower: i forgot about that
toohaught: i think they used roulette's last night
toohaught: the screams were a little quieter than i expected
toohaught: sorry! sorry
topshelf: whats up BITCHES!!!!
gaymess: no one loves you.
bossassbitch: fuck off, winnie.
topshelf: i have doughnuts
notthrowingawaymyschott: ! im sorry ! i didnt mean it!!!
gaymess: i regret everything i love you
sunshinedanvers: !! <3
topshelf: yall are fake
topshelf: oh i SEE you goin for those doughnuts winslow well guess what
topshelf: this is what i like to call
topshelf: doughnut roulette
gayassroulette: allow me to explain
gayassroulette: all of these doughnuts are delicious and wonderful
gayassroulette: four contain maple glaze
gayassroulette: three contain a chocolate filling
gayassroulette: one contains an apple fritter
gayassroulette: one contains cinnamon
gayassroulette: one contains mango
gayassroulette: one contains a grenade
gayassroulette: one contains lemon glaze
gayassroulette: and one contains sugar fried carrot cake
purtyboy: did you just say a grenade
topshelf: who wants to try?
notthrowingawaymyschott: i cALL THE APPLE FRITTER I DON'T CARE IF I DIE IT LOOKS SO GOOD
purtyboy: LEMON GLAZE IS MINE
badasslane: tOUCH THAT MANGO AND YOU DIE
sunshinedanvers: I CALL THREE OF THE MAPLES AND ALSO THE CARROT AND ALSO THE CINNAMON
gaymess: YOU CAN'T DO THAT
sunshinedanvers: YES I CAN I CALL ALL THE REST OF THE CHOCOLATES TOO
gaymess: tHEN I CALL THE LAST MAPLE BITCH HOW YOU LIKE THAT HUH
spacedad: actually, that maple is mine, so hands off, alexandra.
gaymess: hOLY SHIT
gaymess: ok ok she's fine she's fine it's all good
gaymess: that's what you GET FOR BEING A GREEDY PIG AND STEALING MY CHOCOLATES
purtyboy: iT JUST BLEW UP IN HER MOUTH SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S BEEN SLAPPED OMG
sunshinehoe: What happened? Why do I have so many notifications?
gaymess: A DOUGHNUT BLEW UP IN UR GFS MOUTH I'M HISSING
sunshinehoe: What? Kara? Are you okay?
sunshinehoe: What? Are you hurt?
sunshinedanvers: i've learned something today
sunshinedanvers: the things you love
sunshinedanvers: are the things
sunshinedanvers: that hurt you
sunshinedanvers: the most
gaymess: i'M CRYIGN SHE LOOKS GENUINELY BETRAYED
sunshinedanvers: they ask you how you are, and you just have to say you're fine when you're not really fine
sunshinedanvers: but you just can't get into it, because they would never understand
sunshinedanvers: i'm taking my doughnuts and i'm leaving before i get hurt anymore
sunshinehoe: ... ?
gaymess: thIS IS HANDS DOWN THE FUNNIEST SHIT
notthrowingawaymyschott: I CAN'T BREATHE
badasslane: KARA OMG
purtyboy: OVERREACTION MUCH LMAO
topshelf: this turned out so much better than anyone could have hoped for
gaymess: baby luthor
gaymess: have you seen maggie
sunshinehoe: She's with me.
gaymess: where are you guys
sunshinehoe: The Apple store.
sunshinehoe: Her phone got smashed while she was breaking up a bar fight.
sunshinehoe: So I'm buying her a new one.
gaymess: ? she broke her phone?
gaymess: she didn't mention it last night
sunshinehoe: Well, I'm not sure about all the happenings.
sunshinehoe: She just showed up at my door with a black eye and a broken phone.
sunshinehoe: She's been quiet since, just kind of scowling at the ground.
gaymess: is she okay???
sunshinehoe: I don't know. We're buying the phone now, and after that she'll be back at my place.
sunshinehoe: She says she wants you to come over.
sunshinedanvers: it’s game night!!!!
notthrowingawaymyschott: ive got the popcorn!
purtyboy: chocolate’s on me
sunshinedanvers: lena and i can grab the ice cream!
gayassroulette: i’ll go find some slightly illegal pre-release games from my sources in the black market :)
spacedad: i’m baking a lasagne.
flamethrower: nicole and i are at the market what kind of pie do you guys want?
notthrowingawaymyschott: apple crumble!!
flamethrower: okay, we got it
topshelf: i’ll bring peacemaker
topshelf: ?? why not? huh?
toohaught: last time, you nearly blew someone’s leg off
topshelf: fair point i’ll leave it unloaded
sunshinedanvers: where’s alex? she usually volunteers for something by this point!
spacedad: she left the deo this afternoon at 1:30. i believe it was something to do with maggie.
sunshinedanvers: maggie? is she okay?
spacedad: she will be.
sunshinedanvers: is she hurt?
spacedad: she has a black eye, but that’s not really the problem.
bonsaicop: it’s cool, j’onn. i can explain
spacedad: of course.
bonsaicop: there was a barfight between a bunch of people in one of the seedier bars
bonsaicop: it turned into an all-out brawl
bonsaicop: three of them were aliens, the other were part of an anti-alien hate group
bonsaicop: they said some nasty shit, and it brought back a few of the worse memories
bonsaicop: i’m okay now, though
gaymess: and lena went overboard and stress-baked five trays of cookies in the time it took to get to her apartment
topshelf: yay! cookies!
flamethrower: WYNONNA! WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT WHISKEY BEFORE NINE O’CLOCK?
toohaught: waves just pulled out her shotgun, so we’re ridin’ on sheer hope now. see y’all round!
gayassroulette: caN YOU STOP DEMOLISHING MY HOUSE I PAID MILLIONS FOR THAT UPHOLSTERY
gaymess: millions my ass u cheapskate
gayassroulette: how Dare you i am a creature of Wealth and Expensive Pretentious Taste
sunshinehoe: That's a lie. You bought your furniture from IKEA and your household decorations from Wal-Mart.
gayassroulette: beTRAYED bY MY OWN KINSWOMAN
gayassroulette: a stake through my heart
gayassroulette: i still can't believe you paid 1.2 million for the apartment that you spend literally thirty nights in per year
gaymess: 1.2 MILLION LUTHOR ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
sunshinehoe: It's not my fault I'm rich!
gaymess: YES IT IS actually fair point it's not
gaymess: but you know what you could do with all that wealth
gaymess: bUY ME SOME MORE GODDAMN WHISKEY
topshelf: theres a girl after my own heart
Chapter 27: the broody useless lesbian ft. the supersquad
i'm aLIVE sorry for disappearing either way hERE'S THE HOLLSTEIN YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR if i've missed something yell at me I LOVE YOU WONDROUS HUMANS (and aliens there will be no alien erasure -kara) SEE YOU AROUND
uselesslesbianvampire and cookiegay have entered the chat
gaymess: dear god not more gays
h4ck3r: what's up! :D
uselesslesbianvampire: not to be.... that bitch
uselesslesbianvampire: but whom the fuck are you people and where in the sweet asshole of satan are we
sunshinedanvers: national city! i'm kara danvers!
cookiegay: oH MY SWEET VERONICA MARS
cookiegay: YOU'RE SUPERGIRL!!!
cookiegay: CARM WE'RE IN SUPERGIRL'S UNIVERSE!!!!!
cookiegay: I'VE MARATHONED THAT SHOW 10 TIMES!!!!!!!
cookiegay: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE IN THE SUPERGIRL UNIVERSE HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?????
gaymess: allow me to explain
gaymess: i'm alex, by the way
cookiegay: i know
cookiegay: oh god that was creepy wasn't it i'm sorry i just love your show so much aaaaaa
gaymess: okay okay
gaymess: our earth has pieces of pink kryptonite embedded in it
gaymess: and the core is also made of pink kryptonite
gaymess: so essentially, the force of the pink kryptonite is so strong
gaymess: that it sucks in people from alternate universes
gaymess: so like if we do a headcount
gaymess: the first ones were sara and nyssa, i think
boobrampager: yep!! doin' shots in metropolis with lolo lane
babygayassassin: Help me.
gaymess: and then the flashy kids, aka barry and iris, who live in one of lena luthor's many houses
flashyboy: hey! what's up?
iristheobliviousangel: lena has SO much expensive furniture i think she specially ordered chanel chairs i didn’t even know they existed
gaymess: and, after them, harley and ivy. we're still not sure how they got here. they're staying with me.
harlequin: hey, y'all! how ya doin'?
poison: touch my plants and you die, vampire.
uselesslesbianvampire: i'd like to see you try, ivy.
cookiegay: carm. what. how do you know poison ivy????????
uselesslesbianvampire: long story. she’s a bitch.
harlequin: hey! watch your mouth round my missus!
gaymess: anYWAY anyways i'm sure you've heard of skimmons! they've been locked inside their bedroom for the past week so
cookiegay: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SKIMMONS
skyethegreat: hey, guys? what's happening why does everyone know who we are
simmons: oh, isn't it wonderful? all sorts of newcomers getting up to all sorts of shenanigans!
gaymess: and root, shaw, and bear
cookiegay: oh!! from person of interest! i love your show!!!!!
uselesslesbianvampire: wait i thought root died
h4ck3r: as if, sweetheart :)
foodndogs: moving on
gaymess: the latest arrivals, waverly earp and nicole haught
gaymess: and *deep sigh* wynonna
topshelf: ouch you fucking bitch fight me
cookiegay: oh dude i love wynonna earp!
topshelf: see everyone loves me
cookiegay: yeah you have a whole show in our world!
flamethrower: wait why is wynonna the title character
cookiegay: she has a cooler name sorry waverly!!!
cookiegay: omg i can’t believe i’m talking to waverly earp i’M
cookiegay: wait last i saw you were kissing rosita
toohaught: waves? explain???
flamethrower: ????????? i am? equally confused?????
uselesslesbianvampire: jfc cupcake
cookiegay: carm i can’t believe we’re going to go to noonan’s!!! this is so cool!!!!!!!!!!!
cookiegay: don’t ‘meh’ me you silly creature i KNOW that you keep the comics under your bed
uselesslesbianvampire: first off, not silly
uselesslesbianvampire: secondly, those are your comics. they end up under my bed because whenever kara’s love interest shows up you scream and throw the comic across the room and leave to buy more cookies
cookiegay: okay that might be true but even so! carm! we’re actually going to noonan’s!
cookiegay: we’re going to eat at the same café that kara ‘supergirl’ danvers/zor-el and lena lesbian luthor have flirted in
uselesslesbianvampire: not interested, cutie.
cookiegay: there’ll be cookies and hot cocoa!!!!!
uselesslesbianvampire: cupcake. i’m a vampire.
cookiegay: well, only kind of. please!
cookiegay: but roulette will be there! you love roulette!
uselesslesbianvampire: … fair point. her character’s like chicken noodle soup for my tormented soul.
gayassroulette has forcibly entered the chat
gayassroulette: you like me huh ;) ;)
uselesslesbianvampire: hOW DID YOU
uselesslesbianvampire: you’re not even a part of hollstein get out
gayassroulette: ;) ;) ;) i could be ;) if you ;) know what ;) i’m saying ;) ;) ;)
cookiegay has removed gayassroulette from the chat
cookiegay: that’s stupid
uselesslesbianvampire: are you jealous?
cookiegay: nO OF COURSE NOT
cookiegay: HAHA AS IF
uselesslesbianvampire: sure looks like jealous behaviour, is all i’m saying.
cookiegay: jealous? what? me? haha no
cookiegay: i just suddenly have an enormous dislike for roulette
cookiegay: and i’m going to burn all of my roulette memorabilia when we get back
uselesslesbianvampire: tell me again how you’re not jealous?
cookiegay: not. jealous.
gaymess: leNA LUTHOR
gaymess: oh ok ur still alive
gaymess: we’re just gonna have a chat real fast
gaymess: hm ok let’s start off with
gaymess: wHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE WALKING IN THE DEO LIKE THAT
gaymess: YOU MIGHT BE FUCKING SUPERGIRL BUT AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED YOU WILL NOT WALK INTO MY GODDAMN HOUSE IN YOUR GODDAMN CHANEL AND TRY TO BOSS MY AGENTS AROUND
gaymess: what’s this i hear about you and kara doing the do mm mm ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
sunshinehoe: Why do you alternate between being disgusted and supportive of our bedroom activities?
gaymess: it’s my style baby luthor don’t question it
gaymess: before you got kicked out of the deo for impROPER INTRUSION
gaymess: you wanted to talk with me?
sunshinehoe: …I’ll call you.
Lena Luthor to Alex Danvers
Lena: *nervously* Hello, Alex.
Alex: What’s up? Why do you sound like you’re about to faint?
Lena: I, um- well, you see, I happen to be in a situation which I have long desired to be in, and I am taking the initiative, as one must in such occasions, despite any embarrassment which might be caused to me, and I just-
Alex: Okay. Who did you murder?
Lena: I- what?
Alex: You’re talking like someone’s interrogating you. What’s wrong? Have you been kidnapped again? Did one of your boobs pop?
Lena: My- what? No! And they’re not fake! I don’t- that’s so- *righteous spluttering*.
Alex: Okay, then what?
Lena: Well, uh, I-
Alex: I don’t have all day, Luthor.
Lena: *mumbled very quickly* Iwanttohavesexwithyoursister.
[On the other end of the line, Alex freezes, the phone nearly dropping out of her hand. Her expression flashes between shocked, disgusted, victorious, nauseous, and disgusted again before finally settling on a mix of disgust and a tentative hope.]
Alex: I’m sorry, what?
Lena: *even faster. she is blushing bright red* Iwanttohavesexwithyoursister.
[A pause. Both of them are more embarrassed than they have ever been in their whole life.]
Lena: *now starting to ramble in a desperate attempt to fill the awkwardness* Youknowbecauseshe’s *whispered* SupergirlIdon’twantanyonetogethurtbutyouknowhowitiswellIguessyoudon’tbut-
Alex: *with a pained expression* Luthor. Stop. No more talking. Please. God.
Alex: *quietly* God, why me? Okay. What.
Lena: Um, how do you- her powers?
Alex: I have- Jesus, fuck, why me- a sort of serum that can temporarily deactivate her superstrength for about an hour.
Lena: Um. Okay. Anything, uh, longer than that?
Alex: *hissed* Jesus. Fuck.
Lena: Sorry. I, uh-
Alex: No. No more rambling. Fuck. Okay. Um. I have a three-hour version, if I just change the ratio a little. I’ll have it sent to the DEO. I just. Fuck.
Lena: Are you okay?
Alex: No. *fervently* God, no. Let’s never speak of this again.
cookiegay has created a new chat: watch it, missy
cookiegay has added gayassroulette
cookiegay: sta y awayfrm myy vampire ou frightenninsgly attractive helalbeast
cookiegay: also i reeaally loveyur face its rlly good and also yr tattooos omg aAAAA but nyways i digres hands offf my gf veronicaa
Chapter 28: lena luthor is a LESBIAN YOU COWARDS
you're going to get your hollstein/wynonna/roulette AND your cophine AND your bering & wells AND your swan queen AND everything else also rip lena luthor lmao
la sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
sunshinedanvers: ONE WEEK
sunshinedanvers: ALEX WAKE UP IT'S ONE WEEK
gaymess: shut your hell mouth
sunshinedanvers: :( come on!!!
gaymess: fine fuck okay i'm up
sunshinedanvers: there's one week left!
sunshinedanvers: ONE WEEK UNTIL YOUR proposal AAAAAAAAAAAA
gaymess: was that supposed to be your text version of whispering or?
sunshinedanvers: yep yep!!!
gaymess: why did you wake me up at the asscrack of dawn on a saturday to tell me that
sunshinedanvers: cause it's so eXCITING!!!!!!!
sunshinedanvers: ok also i called in that favour with the aquarium owner and you have it from 8-10!!!!!!!!!!!
sunshinedanvers: you have the ring, right?
gaymess: back pocket
gaymess: i keep it close to my ass at all times
sunshinedanvers: [angry face emoji]
premium maggie sawyer advice™
sunshinehoe: You still have the ring?
bonsaicop: do you really think i'm that irresponsible
bonsaicop: i keep it in my fanny pack
sunshinehoe: You have a fanny pack?
bonsaicop: yes it's my prized possession
sunshinehoe: That's lovely but also hilarious.
bonsaicop: i know it's my aesthetic
sunshinehoe: Okay. I have an issue.
bonsaicop: oh dear god not another one
sunshinehoe: Not with me. With your aquarium.
sunshinehoe: It's already booked.
bonsaicop: ah shit
sunshinehoe: I'll just buy a new one. They're not too expensive, right?
bonsaicop: luthor control your wallet for five minutes please i'm not letting you buy a aquarium
sunshinehoe: You never know. It could be a useful business asset.
bonsaicop: oh really? i bet all the turtles would be great at accounting
sunshinehoe: Like I said: you never know.
winn (me, myself, and i)
notthrowingawaymyschott: to-do list
notthrowingawaymyschott: download the 10 hour version of matt mulholland's 'my heart will go on' and play it on the deo speakers
notthrowingawaymyschott: annoy alex until she tries to punch me and then run away really really fast
notthrowingawaymyschott: get kara to buy me ice cream
notthrowingawaymyschott: see if roulette really can do a triple flip in one jump and run away when it inevitably backfires
notthrowingawaymyschott: give nicole the $20 that i lost betting that wynonna and roulette wouldn't have sex in the deo (rip j'onn 2k17)
notthrowingawaymyschott: send lena a 'i'm fucking supergirl' t-shirt, signed by supergirl
notthrowingawaymyschott: update my superman fanpage
notthrowingawaymyschott: figure out how to change lena's home screen to a collage dedicated to supergirl's biceps
notthrowingawaymyschott: whAT JJHGFBUCJK
notthrowingawaymyschott: wHO WHAT IS FUCK
jparmitage: i'm jp armitage. do you know where laura and lafontaine and the others are?
notthrowingawaymyschott: wait like
notthrowingawaymyschott: laura hollis?
notthrowingawaymyschott: yeah she's wandering the deo with kara talking about journalism like nerds
notthrowingawaymyschott: more importantly how the fuck did you get into my phone
jparmitage: well, i'm plugged into the deo network.
notthrowingawaymyschott: ??? who are you??????
notthrowingawaymyschott: i don't know anyone, except maybe lena, who could do that and she's. well. are you lena?
jparmitage: no. i'm jp.
notthrowingawaymyschott: okay, then, if you're a friend of laura's, then you're from another dimension
jparmitage: yes! i'm- well, i'm an ai, i suppose.
notthrowingawaymyschott: so you're a permanent presence in my phone?
jparmitage: and all the deo computers, including any that has had contact with one.
notthrowingawaymyschott: wait. can you access the computer of someone named lena luthor?
jparmitage: yes, i believe so.
notthrowingawaymyschott: ... i need a favour.
sunshinehoe has created a chat: science
sunshinehoe has added notthrowingawaymyschott
sunshinehoe: How did you get into my phone?
sunshinehoe: I can see your read receipts.
sunshinehoe: I'm going to sic Alex on you.
notthrowingawaymyschott: nO PLEASE HAVE MERCY
notthrowingawaymyschott: LAURA AND CARMILLA BROUGHT OVER AN AI NAMED JP WHEN THEY ARRIVED AND HE HAS ACCESS TO THE DEO'S COMPUTERS
sunshinehoe: ... Let me meet him.
jparmitage: hi! lena luthor, correct? i've seen so much of you from laura's marathoning!
sunshinehoe: A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Armitage. I have a few questions about your existence, but we'll get to those later.
jparmitage: i'd be delighted to do so.
notthrowingawaymyschott: did you like the background or no?
sunshinehoe: I love it.
gaymess: god i'm tired as shit
bonsaicop: can't believe this garbage it's only noon
gaymess: do you know if they service caffeine in IV drips bc i need one
sunshinehoe: I've been up since 4 AM and I feel fine!
gaymess: baby luthor?
gaymess: shut your fucking mouth
gaymess: COME AT ME
gaymess: IF THAT DISRESPECT RUBS OFF ON MY SISTER I WILL TAKE SOME DRASTIC MEASURES
sunshinehoe: That's not going to be the only thing rubbing off on her in the next few hours.
sunshinehoe: If you know what I mean.
notthrowingawaymyschott: alex looks EVEN MADDER THAN USUAL HELP
notthrowingawaymyschott: oh. oh shit
notthrowingawaymyschott: she's making that face again we're all gonna die
spacedad: language, winslow.
notthrowingawaymyschott: sorry dad
sunshinedanvers: oh boy alex looks mad
sunshinedanvers: hey alex! where're you going?
gaymess: i'm on my way to murder your girlfriend
h4ck3r: hey! that's not nice :(
sunshinedanvers: what???? what happened?? also, you can't do that!!
gaymess: baby luthor out here talking shit well she's going to GET IT THAT'S WHAT SHE'S GOING TO DO
sunshinehoe: You could, indeed, say that I am about to 'get it'.
notthrowingawaymyschott: from the piercing scream that alex just let out i'm going to assume this is what this is about also i have n ida what is jappeninga
gayassroulette: ooh drama ;) ;)
gayassroulette: just pulled up to the deo in my sleek new benz lookin fresh
gayassroulette: whOA WHAT THE HELL GET OUT OF MY CAR
gaymess: just need to borrow it for a second
gaymess: gotta get to the lcorp building
gayassroulette: ok ok jfc calm your pantyhose i'm driving
spacedad: no texting and driving!
sunshinehoe: Alex, are you seriously going to do this?
gaymess: heads up luthor we might have broken a few dozen traffic laws but i am HERE AND READY TO MURDER
Chapter 29: crack? NEVER
ah, the l-corp chat, my one and only. also roulette banged lucy lane spread the word of gospel and sorry that this update is 8978675468569786 years after the last one i adore you all
notthrowingawaymyschott: okay alex has been restrained
notthrowingawaymyschott: she looks so unintimidating now it's a little unnerving
gaymess: say that again and i'll detach your pinky finger from the rest of your body
notthrowingawaymyschott: okay! okay we're all good things are back to normal whoop-de-doo
gayassroulette: i can't believe you totalled my one-day old benz i didn't even get insurance on it yet
gaymess: as if any sane, legal insurer would ever sell you insurance you probably total a car every week
gayassroulette: EXPLOSIONS DON'T JUST HAPPEN OKAY SOMEONE NEEDS TO LOOK COOL
gayassroulette: and who said my insurer was legal?
badasslane: is there... illegal insurance?
badasslane: I HAVE BEEN UNDER FEDERAL INVESTIGATION FOR THE PAST THREE WEEKS FOR A FUCKING WINKY FACE I AM NOT ABOUT TO GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN
gayassroulette: i'm ;) just ;) saying ;) that ;) perhaps ;) my ;) good ;) pal ;) in ;) the ;) deo ;)
gayassroulette: might ;) be ;) able ;) to ;) help ;) me ;) out ;) of ;) a ;) few ;) bureaucratic ;) tight ;) spots ;)
badasslane: FUCK OFF
gayassroulette: miss ;) lane ;) my ;) oh ;) my ;) how ;) interesting ;)
gayassroulette: i ;) can't ;) believe ;) you'd ;) speak ;) to ;) an ;) international ;) criminal ;) in ;) such ;) a ;) manner ;)
badasslane: i hate this
badasslane: i hate my job
badasslane: i hate my life
badasslane: and i ESPECIALLY detest you
gayassroulette: ouch cut me deeper lane
gayassroulette: i thought that million-dollar gift was proof of our unextinguishable bond
badasslane: kiss my ass roulette
gayassroulette: been there done that
sunshinehoe: ... Um, where's the refutal?
badasslane: ... i hate you
purtyboy: WHAT ARE YOU SERIOUS
badasslane: it was onE TIME
gayassroulette: more than once sweetheart
sunshinedanvers: unexpected but i'm happy for you i guess?
badasslane: after game night
gaymess: I Cannot Believe that you have defiled game night in such a way i can never look at my couch the same way again
gaymess: DID YOU DO IT ON MY COUCH
gaymess: I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DID IT ON MY COUCH I AM DISINVITING BOTH OF YOU FROM GAME NIGHT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES
badasslane: not on your couch
gayassroulette: up against the alleyway wall
gaymess: THAT'S SO NASTY
gaymess: TELL ME MORE
badasslane: nothing more to tell
gayassroulette: mm that nothing lasted around three months
gaymess: WHAT SINCE WHEN
sunshinedanvers: is my sister okay?
sunshinedanvers: she's just staring at her phone and mumbling 'january' over and over again
gaymess has added badasslane and gayassroulette
gaymess: yo roulette
gayassroulette: hold on i'm doing some heisting
gaymess: should i legally be allowed to know that
gayassroulette: consider it a part of freedom of speech
gaymess: you're stealing things
gayassroulette: by taking from the rich i am making an anti-capitalism statement
gayassroulette: and also paying off my student debt
gaymess: how do you have student debt
gaymess: didn't you go to boarding school
gayassroulette: MIT IS EXPENSIVE
badasslane: also aren't you a billionaire?
badasslane: ?????? yes you are you literally bought a benz yesterday ??????
gayassroulette: i got absolutely smashed a few years back and got on facebook and then i ended up donating seven billion dollars to old friends senior dog sanctuary
gaymess: THAT IS
gaymess: actually pretty expected from you
gayassroulette: yeah and then i gave lucy a million dollars and that benz was a gift from cat grant
gaymess: CAT GRANT
gaymess: THAT'S REALLY WEIRD FILING THAT AWAY FOR FURTHER REFERENCE BUT STILL I'M STUCK ON THE 'GAVE LUCY A MILLION DOLLARS' PART
gaymess: ARE YOU HER SUGAR MOMMY NOW
badasslane: ALEX DO NOT
gaymess: you two are gonna get so much shit for this i'm telling you
gaymess: *guys but well it doesn't really need to be changed
gayassroulette: true lmao
gaymess: ANYWAYS I HAVE SOME NEWS
sunshinedanvers: what? :D
gaymess: ROULETTE WAS LUCY'S SUGAR MOMMY
h4ck3r: oh! i knew that
bonsaicop: oh my gOD REALLY
badasslane: i don't like where this is going
gaymess: no but actually i've been thinking about this and
gaymess: roulette has banged almost every powerful lesbian in national city
gaymess: lena, lucy
gaymess: the only one she hasn't gotten to is cat grant
gayassroulette: about that benz
gayassroulette: lucy's not the only one with a sugar mommy
gaymess: ROULETTE YOU NASTY BITCH
gaymess: hey veronica [that one innuendo emoji fuck if i know what it's called but it looks like that one asshole who says 'that's what she said' every time anyone says anything ever]
gayassroulette: i'll murder you
gaymess: we got an inside source in your organisation that says you're about to blow up the deo
gayassroulette: obviously i would tell you in advance
gayassroulette: like i wouldn't want you to miss the COOLEST EXPLOSION YOU'LL EVER SEE
gaymess: ROULETTE I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ACTUALLJGHGFCHVJBKAYGUFBCGHJ
gaymess: fuck you
gaymess: how did you even rig it so that only my lab station blew up
gayassroulette: :) i've :) got :) a :) few :) inside :) sources :) myself :)
gaymess: who are you talking about
gaymess: IF I LEGITIMATELY DON'T HAVE EYEBROWS FOR THE NEXT MONTH I'M GOING TO COMMIT HOMICIDE
sunshinehoe: What's happening?
gaymess: LUTHOR YOUR GODDAMN EX BLEW UP MY LAB STATION
sunshinehoe: Veronica, please refrain from murdering your friends.
gayassroulette: taking sides now are we luthor
gaymess: waIT WHAT IS THIS STUFF
gaymess: IS THAT RAINBOW GLITTER
gaymess: YOU KNOW I HAVE TRAUMATIC MEMORIES ALREADY ROULETTE WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME I FEEL SO BETRAYED
sciencegal: is it just me or
sciencegal: did kara seem a little ...off today
scienceguy: i know!!! she barely even smiled!!!!
barackobama: maybe she's sad.
roseandrosie: HEINOUS THOUGHT PURGE PURGE PURGE NEVER NOT OUR KARA #NOTOURKARA TREND IT WORLDWIDE
bringmedonuts: yeah but she didn't smile!!!!!! i'm very cross that smile is like my happiness caffeine
alliehearts: @kate isn't caffeine... happiness caffeine?
bringmedonuts: don't @ me you wanker we're dating also caffeine is energy caffeine kara danvers is happiness caffeine
bringmedonuts: (you're sexy caffeine)
roseandrosie: aw you guys are gross
bringmedonuts: um says the people who make out in the middle of l-corp laboratories and literally share a phone
roseandrosie: is that a THREAT KATHERINE IS THAT A THREAT
alliehearts: rose! kate! calm down and let kathy talk
sciencegal: allie you're a babe thanks
bringmedonuts: are you hitting on my girlfriend at WORK KATHY
alliehearts: oh my god KATE
sciencegal: ANYWAYS I DIGRESS
sciencegal: why is kara sad?
rainbowjess: well, maybe she's not sad
roseandrosie: THANK YOU JESS GOD BLESS YOU
nerdyhot: i dunno she looked pretty pissed to me
roseandrosie: angry????? nah
roseandrosie: when kara gets angry she just scrunches her forehead and stutters out a few insults and then walks out and it's ADORABLE
roseandrosie: #i'dhitthat tbh
roseandrosie: HEY ROSE WHO ARE YOU DATING AGAIN
roseandrosie: oh like you wouldn't
roseandrosie: YOU KNOW WHAT that's actually a pretty fair point i totally would
jantheman: well, if she's not angry, maybe she's just tired
roseandrosie: stop being SENSIBLE jan kara NEVER gets TIRED ever
thelonglostkardashian: ;) wonder how that feels ;) in a more ;) private ;) setting
gaysforlizards: YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THAT OMG MS. LUTHOR'S LITERALLY IN THIS CHAT
roseandrosie: yeah don't flirt with other people karen
roseandrosie: ROSE YOU HYPOCRITE
roseandrosie: ... [annoyed emoji]
aliceandco: dude it was so weird though lmao she just came in and when she brushed by me and knocked a beaker off the table
aliceandco: and normally she'd apologise like 876523456 times and buy twenty new beakers but
aliceandco: she just kept walking toward ms. luthor's office
roseandrosie: i mean.... they're fucking
itsjustrocketscience: WAIT WHAT
roseandrosie: HOW IS THAT NEWS TO YOU
itsjustrocketscience: I JUST NEVER LOOK AT MY PHONE OKAY
gaysforlizards: so i guess that was... horny kara
gaysforlizards: FUCK THAT SOUNDS SO WEIRD
nerdyhot: THAT'S SO DISGUSTING
labcoat69: well actually kara's pretty hot i dunno
sunshinehoe: Isn't this chat professional use only?
sunshinedanvers: hey wynonna! how do you feel about roulette and lucy?
flamethrower: i'll translate
flamethrower: "noncommittal grunt"
topshelf: i dunno
flamethrower: "belches, eats a doughnut"
topshelf: WATCH YOURSELF, WAVES
flamethrower: "drops peacemaker"
flamethrower: "flails incoherently"
topshelf: My Family Is Made Of Assholes, by everyone in this chat
notthrowingawaymyschott: heY- oh, wait a second. yeah, you're right.
sunshinehoe: Yes, sounds about right.
badasslane: well... yeah.
sunshinedanvers: but what do you think of them?
topshelf: i think it's hot
gaymess: ah shit j'onn's coming this way and he looks PISSED
gaymess: FUCK THIS IS ABOUT THE LAB ISN'T IT I AM SO UNBELIEVABLY FUCKED HE'S GONNA EVISCERATE ME
gaymess: oh no
gaymess: OH NO
gaymess: NOT AGAIN FUCKING HELL HEY LUTHOR
gaymess: WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE KARA
sunshinehoe: A few hours ago. Why?
gaymess: we're about to have an enormous fucking problem
gaymess: tell me
gaymess: have you ever heard of red kryptonite
Chapter 30: red k on crack lmao
me, watching s3: wow lENA REALLY DID THAT GUESS WHAT I'M WRITING ABOUT
also me: but i still have to write red k kara guess i'll die lmao
also also me: but i already wrote the fleurmione ahkbjvghjbakljkhgc kill me now
yo tw for red k kara saying mean things about people also sorry this chapter was shitty i tried to make it as non-angsty as i could so you get DOUBLE the l-corp chat
sunshinedanvers: looks like things are about to get a little more fun
sunshinehoe: Are you okay, Kara?
sunshinedanvers: i'm doing just fine
sunshinedanvers: what about you, luthor? how's that insecurity treating you?
sunshinedanvers: it's kind of sick how you need someone before you can be happy
sunshinedanvers: maybe that's your brother's fault and maybe it's yours but either way i'm tired of being that someone
sunshinedanvers: you can stop relying on me now
sunshinedanvers: go cry on someone else's shoulder
sunshinehoe: You don't mean that.
sunshinedanvers: i don't? are you sure?
sunshinedanvers: let me tell you something. i might not be the kara you know, but i'm still kara.
gayassroulette: lay off you sick motherfucker
sunshinedanvers: what? i'm just kara without that layer of sunshine and smiles that you're so used to
sunshinedanvers: because you tried to put me in some cage of happiness
sunshinedanvers: well, the world doesn't work like that, veronica. you didn't get to keep your mother and i didn't get to keep my planet.
gayassroulette: don't bring my mom into this.
sunshinedanvers: i lost mine, too! i lost my city and my country and my whole world
sunshinedanvers: and after all of that? the world blames me for not saving a cat from a tree
sunshinedanvers: supergirl is an empty skin that people put their dreams into
sunshinedanvers: and kara danvers is even worse
sunshinedanvers: kara danvers is a product of all of you locking me inside that cage of happiness
gaymess: kara, please don't say that, that's not true
sunshinedanvers: especially you, my darling sister.
sunshinedanvers: you made me into a human so you could have a sister
sunshinedanvers: and you didn't want me to be anything else
sunshinedanvers: you hated me being supergirl
sunshinedanvers: you still do, in fact
gaymess: that's not true
sunshinedanvers: but it is. there's this little simmer of hate inside of you
sunshinedanvers: a little bit of anger at your own inferiority
sunshinedanvers: because you'll work all of your life as hard as you can
sunshinedanvers: but you will never be as powerful as me and you cannot accept that
sunshinedanvers: so you put me in that little human box and wish that you could be me all while crushing my potential to be even better
sunshinedanvers: but you know what?
sunshinedanvers: i'm done being a human
sunshinedanvers: i'm done following all of your rules and i'm done being kara danvers and i'm throwing all of that bullshit down the drain
rainbowjess: where… is kara
sciencegal: is she supposed to be at l-corp?
bringmedonuts: isn’t she always tho
sciencegal: that’s fair
sciencegal: but like
sciencegal: usually she shows up at eight o’clock on the dot to escort miss luthor inside and kiss her cheek like a gentlewoman
sciencegal: and i cry tears of pure happiness
itsjustrocketscience: you guys are weirdly invested in this relationship
sciencegal: it is the one and only thing keeping me alive
roseandrosie: okay tho all jokes aside i have literally seen kathy cry bc she saw them holding hands as they walked in
sciencegal: IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL OKAY AND KARA DUCKED HER HEAD DOWN TO WHISPER SOMETHING IN MISS LUTHOR’S EAR
sciencegal: AND MISS LUTHOR SMILED SO WIDE AND WHISPERED SOMETHING BACK
sciencegal: AND KARA LAUGHED AND IT BRUSHED OUR EARS LIKE THE HARPS OF ANGELS
sciencegal: AND I SUDDENLY BECAME READY TO BE LAID TO REST WITH PURE BLISS ON MY FACE
sciencegal: IT WAS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL AND THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER LIKE THEY’RE THE ONLY THINGS THAT MATTER IN THE WHOLE WORLD
sciencegal: AND I IMMEDIATELY BEGAN TO CRY TEARS OF JUBILATION
sciencegal: FOR AT LAST TWO PEOPLE HAVE ACHIEVED A STATE OF PURE HAPPINESS
roseandrosie: she’s crying. again.
sciencegal: AND I FELT THEIR JOY TOUCH MY HEART AND THE TEARS CAME LIKE A RAIN AFTER A DROUGHT
rainbowjess: kathy. please
sciencegal: i’M SORRY i just love them so much
scienceguy: kathy are you ok
sciencegal: i’m fine bill
roseandrosie: I’M SORRY
roseandrosie: BUT WHAT AND WHOM
scienceguy: my name’s bill
scienceguy: BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY
barackobama: BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL!
roseandrosie: what,,,,, the fuck
spacedad: kara is under control now at the deo, but it’s a near thing.
badasslane: what’s she thinking???
spacedad: she’s angry, understandably so, since we’ve given her kryptonite manacles. but it’s very ba
gaymess: j’onn just turned and vomited into a nearby cell okay this is Not Good
spacedad: excuse me. the traces of red kryptonite in her brain are… overwhelming.
badasslane: ah fuCK this is bad okay
badasslane: what do we do with her now though?
gaymess: i guess we’ll just have to restrain her in the deo cells
sunshinehoe: Wait. Not yet.
sunshinehoe: I took the liberty of analysing those samples you gave me the other day.
sunshinehoe: The high traces of certain chemical compounds lend themselves to create the Kryptonian red sun effect.
sunshinehoe: That means that with an increased dosage of those four compounds, her body goes into a vegetative state.
gaymess: i know this already luthor what’s your point
sunshinehoe: You’re going to say no.
gaymess: it can’t be that bad
badasslane: yes it can
gayassroulette: with lena, it is ALWAYS that bad
sunshinehoe: Here’s my proposal.
sunshinehoe: Bring Kara here to me.
gaymess: absolutely not.
badasslane: luthor, you have no idea what you’re dealing with.
sunshinehoe: But I do. This is Kara!
gayassroulette: um…. can you read
gayassroulette: i’m p sure this isn’t the kara we know and love
sunshinehoe: Well, yes, of course. But she’s still Kara. Just the non-sunshine bits.
sunshinehoe: Besides, with the increased dosage of the drug, I’ll be fine.
gaymess: this is an incredibly bad idea
sunshinehoe: Excellent. To the nineteenth floor at L-Corp, please.
gayassroulette: are you sure you’ll be okay?
sunshinehoe: I’ve spent almost my entire life surrounded by people made up of non-sunshine bits.
sunshinehoe: I’ll be fine.
roseandrosie: where……………… are all of the people who work here
rainbowjess: we’re all here who are you talking about
roseandrosie: um…………… our ceo???? lena luthor??? about yay high, cries a lot, very gay????
rainbowjess: maybe she’s with kara
roseandrosie: aH HA
roseandrosie: SO OUR IMPENETRABLE CEO HAS A WEAKNESS HMMMM
roseandrosie: BUT DURING OFFICE HOURS???
roseandrosie: THAT’S NOT CLASSY
roseandrosie: but it IS actually incredibly hot catch me writing fanfiction about that delightful thought
rainbowjess: rose. rosie. which one of you is that?
rainbowjess: do not write fanfiction about your boss PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU
rainbowjess: PLEASE THIS IS THE LAST COMPANY RULE THAT REMAINS UNBROKEN PLEASE I AM LITERALLY ON MY KNEES
roseandrosie: ;) is that how you like it jess
alliehearts: … and there goes the remains of jess’s sanity
sunshinehoe: We’re all good now.
sunshinedanvers: i’m sorry
sunshinedanvers: rao i said some horrible things didn’t i i’m so sorry
gaymess: not your fault little sis
notthrowingawaymyschott: yep we’re all good
gayassroulette: we’re chill whatever it’s not your fault
sunshinedanvers: i’m sorry for bringing up your mom like that after you told me in confidence
gayassroulette: it’s okay. we’re all getting over things.
winn (me, myself, and i)
notthrowingawaymyschott: :/ drugs are weird man
Chapter 31: haLLOWEEN
THIS IS HALLOWEEN THIS IS HALLOWEEN PUMPKINS SCREAM IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT dedicated to woofwolf who is a slanderous bitch but i love her anyways
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
sunshinedanvers: any moment now...
gaymess: just waiting on the seconds
badasslane: 24 seconds....
purtyboy: 19 seconds...
notthrowingawaymyschott: 12 seconds...
gayassroulette: 8 seconds oo boy
sunshinehoe: What's happening? Why is everyone counting?
sunshinedanvers: 3 seconDS
gaymess: LET'S GOOOOO MOTHERFUCKERS
gaymess has attached a file [this is halloween (ten hours).mp3]
gaymess: IT'S SPOOKY TIME
notthrowingawaymyschott: who's feeling SPOOKYYYYYYY
gayassroulette: HELLLL YEAHHHHHH
sunshinehoe: I don't- what's happening???
gaymess: HALLOWEEN YOU GAY DUMBASS
sunshinehoe: Is that something I'm supposed to care about?
gaymess: kara just gasped and threw her phone across the room so that's a yes
gaymess: IT'S HALLOWEEN
gaymess: TIME TO WATCH TIM BURTON'S MASTERPIECE "THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS" (1993)
bonsaicop: AND GET ABSOLUTELY SMASHED
gaymess: ON CANDY
gayassroulette: AND LOSE ALL OF YOUR SHAME AND DIGNITY FOR A FULL NIGHT AS YOU WEAR NOTHING BUT BUNNY EARS AND LINGERIE
gaymess: .... that's not a universal experience veronica
gayassroulette: it's a good time
notthrowingawaymyschott: THE MILLENIUM FALCON
spacedad: .... i'll be han solo.
gaymess: i wanna be a porg but also rey is unbelievably hot
sunshinehoe: Lovely! I'll go as myself. Working.
gaymess: nice try but nope
gaymess: be ready at 9 am for your costume selection
sunshinehoe: You can't bully me into this, Danvers.
gaymess: maybe not
gaymess: but kara can
sunshinedanvers: YOU HAVE TO
sunshinedanvers: BE THE POE DAMERON TO MY FINN
gaymess: you're not even going as finn
gaymess: are you?
sunshinedanvers: nah team rey all the way
sunshinedanvers: but seriously lena!! it's so fun and i'll give you anything to come and dress up and watch the nightmare before christmas with us!!!!!!
sunshinehoe: Anything I want?
sunshinehoe: I want...
sunshinehoe: I want a million kisses.
sunshinedanvers: a million?????
sunshinedanvers: that's a lot of kisses
sunshinedanvers: might take some time
sunshinehoe: I'm alright with that.
sunshinedanvers: how about we start right now?
sunshinehoe: I changed my mind. I am more than alright with that.
sunshinedanvers: i'm flying over right now
gaymess: this is so gross i am Vomiting
bonsaicop: so disgustingly in love
bonsaicop: i'm so glad we're not like them babe
gaymess: real talk
gaymess: you do know you're the love of my life right
bonsaicop: and you are the love of mine
gaymess: hey maggie
bonsaicop: hey alex
gaymess: how much do you love me
bonsaicop: thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much
gaymess: well i love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much
bonsaicop: yeah but i love you infinitely and i can't contain all that love within a four-letter word
gaymess: aw babe <3
spacedad: you are the most enormous hypocrite i have ever met.
notthrowingawaymyschott: hEY HEY WE SHOULD PLAY A HALLOWEEN GAME
notthrowingawaymyschott: LIKE PUNS AND STUFF
notthrowingawaymyschott: i'll go first
notthrowingawaymyschott: hey kara
sunshinedanvers: hi winn!
notthrowingawaymyschott: you're a wonderful CRYPT-onian
gaymess: MORE LIKE CRYPT-BONE-IAN
sunshinehoe: Krypt-bone-ian is right. If you know what I mean.
bonsaicop: alex's howl of rage is me
gayassroulette: tag yourself i'm lena luthor's decapitated skeleton when alex is done w her
badasslane: i’m kara trying desperately to intervene
spacedad: i’m myself, staying out of it.
supermom: i’m alex’s realisation that she will have to put up with this for the rest of her life!
gaymess: does no one get the reference? ok whatever guess i’ll die alone
bonsaicop: bithc me too the fuck
gaymess: wait you’re not allowed to die alone i’ll die with you
bonsaicop: but i thought you were the one dying alone
gaymess: yeah but consider- i don’t wanna live without you
h4ck3r: and you don’t want to live with me
foodndogs: root wyd
h4ck3r: this is exactly what happened to us, sameen! :D <3
foodndogs: except neither of them are hackers and neither of them have been put through several thousand simulations by an evil AI
foodndogs: and neither of them have a dog
gaymess: that’s true
gaymess: hey maggie when are we getting a dog
bonsaicop: we get a dog the moment you do something stupidly romantic and i immediately capitulate to your demands
gaymess: on it
le sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
gaymess: are we still good for tonight?
sunshinedanvers: it’s all under control and perfect we are sO GOOD TO GO
gaymess: all that rescheduling was a pain in the ass though
sunshinedanvers: ALEX I’M SO EXCITED
gaymess: shut the fUCK UP KARA I’M ALREADY GETTING BUTTERFLIES
gaymess: ok anyways i’m going to sleep
sunshinedanvers: !!!!!!!! okay!!!!!
sunshinehoe: Kara, where are you?
sunshinedanvers: work work work!!!
sunshinehoe: I’m standing at your desk right now.
sunshinedanvers: oTHER WORK WORK WORK
sunshinehoe: Punch some people for me, love.
sunshinedanvers: you got it! :)
sunshinedanvers: speaking of
sunshinedanvers: have you seen my super suit??
sunshinedanvers: i can’t find it and alex hasn’t seen it either!
sunshinehoe: Haven’t seen it! Sorry!
sunshinehoe: Though I do think Veronica mentioned something about it…
sunshinedanvers: [grumpy emoji]
sunshinedanvers: okay cool
sunshinedanvers: ok all done
sunshinedanvers: what’s up?
sunshinehoe: Is something wrong with Alex?
sunshinedanvers: not at all!! why do you ask?
sunshinehoe: Because there’s something wrong with Alex.
sunshinedanvers: is there????
sunshinehoe: She’s been acting oddly today. I glanced at her and she made a weird noise and looked away really fast.
sunshinedanvers: that’s… weird
sunshinedanvers: i’ll talk to her
le sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
sunshinedanvers: is something up??
gaymess: just a little nervous
sunshinedanvers: i dunno someone said you were acting weird
gaymess: i’m totally normal!!!!
gaymess: it’s just that your gf is………
gaymess: i mean, i helped her pick out the costume
gaymess: and get it
gaymess: it’s a little wild
gaymess: but like
gaymess: i kind of stole your supersuit and she’s wearing it and everytime i see her i almost call her kara so i gotta do a double take
sunshinedanvers: SHE’S WEARING MY SUPERSUIT
sunshinedanvers: that is
sunshinedanvers: and nice
notthrowingawaymyschott: okaY COSTUME SHARING TIME
notthrowingawaymyschott: TAKE A PICTURE AND UPLOAD THAT SCHIT TO THE GROUP CHAT
notthrowingawaymyschott: i’m going pg it’s a trend
notthrowingawaymyschott: ANYWAYS [millennium falcon.jpg]
gayassroulette: [wonder roulette.jpg]
badasslane: [leia lane.jpg]
purtyboy: [james skywalker.jpg]
spacedad: [martian going solo.jpg]
gaymess: [i’m a pORG.jpg]
gayassroulette: am i gonna have to say it? okay fine i’ll say it
gayassroulette: you look SUPER hot
gayassroulette: bet kara agrees huh ;) ;)
gaymess: i think it broke her tbh
gaymess: hey wait where are you going
bonsaicop: guess that really got her excited ;)
bonsaicop: yo luthor is your door unlocked
sunshinehoe: Already unlocked. And- there she ikjbsfhvmb
gaymess: see you tonight
le sœurs danvers (alex is pretentious)
sunshinedanvers: do you have everything????
sunshinedanvers: are you sURE??????
gaymess: YES OKAY JFC
sunshinedanvers: okay okay i’ll push maggie on up in five minutes
gaymess: make it seven
sunshinedanvers: i think she’s looking for you aaAAAAA
sunshinedanvers: okay okay you got this
gaymess: thanks, sis
sunshinedanvers: love ya too!
sunshinedanvers: I’M DYING HERE
sunshinedanvers: WHAT HAPPENED TELL ME PLEASE
gaymess: SHE SAID YES!!!!!!!
notthrowingawaymyschott: yeah what happened?????????
gaymess: my family, my one and only bastards
gaymess: please let me introduce you to my fiancée, maggie sawyer
bonsaicop: I SAID YES MOTHERFUCKERS [thaT RING THOUGH.jpg]
gayassroulette: I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU GAY BITHCES CATCH ME CRYIGN IN THEW CLUB TONHIGT
badasslane: hOLY SHIT AAAAA YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED
notthrowingawaymyschott: I’M GONNA FAINT MY FAVOURITE COUPLE I CANNOT BELIEVE
spacedad: i’m happy for you two! congratulations!
supermom: I AM VERY HAPPY AND SUPPORTIVE THIS IS LOVELY WHEN IS THE WEDDING
supermom: in all seriousness though when is the wedding
gaymess: we’ll work it out later!!!!!
supermom: one more question
supermom: bridal bingo
supermom: excellent. i’ll schedule it for before the ceremony
supermom: BUT I’M SO HAPPY MY BABY GIRL IS GETTING MARRIED
supermom: TIME TO BREAK OUT THAT CHAMPAGNE
gayassroulette: BOTTOMS UP MOTHERFUCKERS TRICK OR TREAT
gaymess: AND A VERY HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM ME AND MY FIANCÉE TO ALL OF YOU
bonsaicop: hey babe
gaymess: hey fiancée
bonsaicop: i fucking love you
gaymess: i fucking love you too
bonsaicop: guess we're getting a dog then
TRICK OR TREAT MOTHERFUCKERSSSSSSSSSSSS
Chapter 32: hermione granger, minister of magic
yo credit to @QuartertoFour for the fanfic shenanigans also SORRY I'VE BEEN MISSING IN ACTION FOR LIKE 8976544 YEARS HAVE SOME FLEURMIONE
sunshinehoe: In reviewing the past instances of my administration at L-Corp, I have found some shocking things.
sunshinehoe: For example, that Veronica has actually, in all seriousness, had sex on a camel.
roseandrosie: with whO??????
sunshinehoe: Never mind that. The issue here is that I have found something that is far more shocking than fraud or embezzling.
rainbowjess: miss luthor?
sunshinehoe: You people have been writing fanfiction about me.
roseandrosie: [guilty eyes emoji]
barackobama: we’ve been found out!!
sunshinehoe: This needs to cease immediately. It is disrespectful, a complete violation of my privacy, and, most importantly, goes against company policies.
sunshinehoe: Do you understand?
sunshinehoe: Yes or no, Rose. Rosie. Which one of you is this?
sunshinehoe: Never mind that either. I don’t want you writing any sort of thing about what happens in here.
roseandrosie: ok fine
roseandrosie: not gonna lie i’m a little turned on rn
sunshinehoe has created a new chat: professionalism
sunshinehoe has added rainbowjess
rainbowjess: miss luthor?
sunshinehoe: What you were referring to in the L-Corp chat- those documents?
rainbowjess: you mean… the fanfiction?
sunshinehoe: Yes. That. Please supply a comprehensive list of links immediately.
rainbowjess: GUESS WHAT Y’ALL
roseandrosie: I’M HISSING WHAT IS THIS
alliehearts: MISS LUTHOR
barackobama: [gasp emoji]
aliceandco: THIS IS SOME HIGH-KEY DRAMA I LOVE
roseandrosie: GOD BLESS
labcoat69: i’m gonna write fic about miss luthor reading fic now #fic-ception
sunshinehoe: I’m firing you. All of you. How could you, Jess?
rainbowjess: [guilty face emoji] [laughing emoji]
ministerofmagic and ouioui have entered the chat
ministerofmagic: oh, blimey
ministerofmagic: this really is quite a spot of trouble we've gotten into this time
ouioui: ah, hermione, my dear
ouioui: it can't be worse than that one time you used a time-turner improperly and i had to put up with a baby severus snape for four hours, no?
ministerofmagic: in my defence, i was very distracted, fleur
ouioui: do not be so quick to pronounce me guilty, mon coeur
ouioui: you were the one who said that the meetings were boring you, after all
ouioui: it was my wifely duty to engage you
ouioui: albeit in a much less... bureaucratic way.
sunshinehoe: Hello! I'm Lena Luthor! It's a pleasure to meet you!!!!!!
ministerofmagic: lena... luthor?
ministerofmagic: THAT'S LENA LUTHOR LIKE AS IN SUPERMAN AND SUPERGIRL THE ONE WHO REINVENTED MUGGLE SCIENCE WITH HER QUANTUM ENTANGLEMENT THEORIES FLEUR THAT'S LENA LUTHOR FLEUR FLEUR
ouioui: ah. you're the genius from those comics that hermione adores?
sunshinehoe: You’re my favourite person in your whole universe!!!!!
ministerofmagic: this is so COOL FLEUR THIS IS AMAZING
sunshinehoe: Your Time Turner theory was so scientifically exact despite being based off of magic; I loved it!
ministerofmagic: and i read all about your theories of quantum particles and they were so amazing and accurate this is so cool aaaaa!!!!!
sunshinehoe: Where are you? Please live in my apartment! Please!
sunshinedanvers: OH MY GOLLY RAO HELLO
ministerofmagic: ARE YOU SUPERGIRL ARE YOU
notthrowingawaymyschott: YES SHE IS OH MY GOD YOU’RE HERMIONE GRANGER THAT’S FLEUR DELACOUR
ministerofmagic: HI YOU’RE WINN RIGHT THAT’S AMAZING
notthrowingawaymyschott: she knows who i am!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gaymess: hermione granger and fleur delacour omgggg my first crushes tbh
ministerofmagic: that’s so nICE AND WONDERFUL CRIKEY ALEX DANVERS I CAN’T HANDLE THIS
purtyboy: hi omg i’m james and i loVE
ministerofmagic: james!!!! yes!!!! jimmy olsen!!!!!!!
ministerofmagic: LUCY HI HELLO HOW ARE YOU
sunshinehoe: THIS IS SO COOL AAAAAAAAAAAA
ouioui: er… not to interject but… is someone coming to pick us up?
gaymess: yes! YES
gayassroulette: jfC STOP YELLING THERE ARE MORE NOTIFICATIONS THAN WHEN A DOUGHNUT BLEW UP INSIDE KARA’S MOUTH
ouiouioui: ?????? tell???
gayassroulette: WAIT HARRY POTTER PEOPLE ARE HERE???
gaymess: IT’S HERMIONE GRANGER AND FLEUR DELACOUR DUMBASS
gaymess: geT ON YOUR GAY ASS MOTORCYCLE AND GO PICK THEM UP
gayassroulette: HOLY SHIT OKAY I’M ON IT
gaymess: dude you’re freaking out
gaymess: roulette is a potterhead bITCH I KNEW IT
gayassroulette: fuck off danvers you crusty bastard
gaymess: bitch just go pick them up
gayassroulette: on it fuckwad
sunshinehoe: I’m having a heart attack.
sunshinehoe: They’re so unbelievably attractive.
sunshinehoe: And incredibly intelligent. And amazingly fantastic at everything.
sunshinehoe: And Fleur’s accent is really hot.
gaymess: bitCH UM A VIDEO PLEASE
sunshinehoe: This is them getting settled in and bickering like an old married couple:
sunshinehoe has attached a video file: [fleurmione™]
bonsaicop: oh lordy i’m in LOVE
gayassroulette: yo sawyer where have you been all this time bitch
bonsaicop: ;) i’ve ;) been ;) getting ;) some ;) of ;) those ;) honeymoon ;) vibes ;)
gayassroulette: oH MY GOD SAWYER GET THAT OLD CRUSTY ASS HELL YEAH
gaymess: EXCUSE ME BITJC WATCH WHO YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT YOU WANNA SAY THAT AGAIN
gayassroulette: YOUR OLD ENGAGED CRUSTY ASS HAS DROPPED OUT OF THE GAME DANVERS
gayassroulette: ALL DOMESTIC AND SHIT
sunshinehoe: …… Veronica.
sunshinehoe: Are you jealous?
gayassroulette: what the fUCK
gayassroulette: i’m too young and gorgeous for that engaged diamond ring ass shitfuck of a clusterfuck
gayassroulette: buy my own diamonds and i buy my own rings BITCH
gaymess: honestly i’m not convinced
gayassroulette: i don’t even liKE DIAMONDS THAT MUCH
gaymess: bro though having a fiancée is some nice stuff though…… commitment is lit
gayassroulette: MISS ME WITH THAT GAY SHIT DANVERS I WILL NEVER
bonsaicop: hmm… the lady doth protest too much
sunshinehoe: Speaking of, I still can’t believe you lied to me about having a fiancée.
sunshinehoe: Though I should have never believed it. Obviously, you could never get yourself a fiancée.
gaymess: well, she is banging wynonna… so can’t expect too much from the romance department
gayassroulette: BITCH IS THAT A CHALLENGE
gayassroulette: ARE YOU TRYING TO TEST ME
gayassroulette: I’M THE MOST ROMANTIC PERSON IN NATIONAL CITY BESIDES KARA
gaymess: oh really? prove it
bonsaicop: oh boy here we go
gayassroulette: DAMN RIGHT I’LL PROVE IT
gaymess: okay let’s make a bet then
gaymess: i bet that you can’t get yourself engaged to wynonna within a month
gayassroulette: what are the stakes?
gayassroulette: if i win…
gayassroulette: i want…
gayassroulette: your favourite gun.
gaymess: the blue laser one????? BITCH
gayassroulette: YOU SAID ANYTHING NO TAKEBACKS
gaymess: okay FINE
gaymess: and if i win, i get your mercedes, the one with the rockets
gayassroulette: and! eternal bragging rights for the winner
gaymess: you’re on.
sunshinehoe: Oh no.
bonsaicop: okAY ANYWAYS
bonsaicop: LET’S GO MEET FLEURMIONE
Chapter 33: aliens and gays and some other bullshit
back on my bullshit again folks
it's been years but happy holidays bitches!!!!!!!!!!
gayassroulette: mm whatcha saayyyyyyy
gayassroulette: mmm that you'd only meant wellllll and you did a
gayassroulette: mmmmm whatcha sayyyyyyyyyyyyy
gaymess: those aren't the lyrics u dumb bitch
sunshinedanvers: what happened????
gayassroulette: relationship <3 ended /// with ALEX DANVERS /</3/
gayassroulette: now J'ONN J'ONNZZ :) is my dad <3
gayassroulette: alex put me in the deo jail bc i sent memes to the official top secret deo email
badasslane: i can't believe you did this whyyyyyy
gayassroulette: idk bro sometimes it just Be Like That™
gayassroulette: i saw a really good pepe one actually
gayassroulette: had to send it to someone so i picked the first person in my contacts
badasslane: why was the deo's email in your contacts
gayassroulette: why ;) lucy ;) lane ;)
badasslane has left the chat
gayassroulette has added badasslane to the chat
gayassroulette: ;) don't ;) you ;) recall ;) giving ;) me ;) your ;) phone ;)
gayassroulette: ;) after ;) all ;) the ;) pillow ;) talk ;)
badasslane: first of all i didn't GIVE you my phone
badasslane: you stole it out of my safe and then gave it back with the password changed to 'roulette1deo0lmaogovernmentsux'
gaymess: points for creativity
gayassroulette: in my defence no russian hacker would ever have guessed that
badasslane: that's not how hacking WORKS
topshelf: hacking is great
topshelf: actually i don't know how to use a computer but i'm hip with the Youth
badasslane: what... is happening
topshelf: idk but i got this whiskey n im ready to roll
topshelf: yo lane you wanna have a threesome
badasslane: why is this happening to me
gaymess: oh, you are so losing this bet
gayassroulette: shut the fcUK up danvers you crusty ass old bitch
gayassroulette: who italicises a fucking text message you baldass pineapple
gaymess: at least my relationship isnt a fucking TRAINWRECK you dumb fuck
gayassroulette: fuck you
gayassroulette: lemme out of jail its hard to type with one hand and the handcuffs are really not allowing optimal wrist movement
gayassroulette: or at least let me talk to fleurmione
gayassroulette: please i need my european gays with hot accents
gaymess: you almost crashed your motorcycle cause fleur started speaking french and you were too gay to comprehend it
gayassroulette: in my defence it was Really Fucking Hot
gaymess: ur not wrong but it's still funny
gaymess: but anyways combined with the handcuffs if you saw hermione granger's face you'd probably orgasm on the spot
gayassroulette: bithc!!!! [middle finger emoji]
gayassroulette: i'd have a heartgasm
gayassroulette: and then id have an orgasm
gaymess: a heartgasm
gaymess: like.... a heart attack???
gayassroulette: no like a heartgasm
gayassroulette: like when you see something so beautiful your blood pressure skyrockets and your heart gets ripped out of ur chest but in a good way
gaymess: if that's what you think an orgasm is then i'm very worried about ur sex life
gayassroulette: you're not gETTING IT crusty old dinosaur
gayassroulette: what if i gave you an example sentence, in context
gayassroulette: 'the other day hermione granger smiled softly and purely and gently at fleur delacour and i spontaneously had an overwhelming heartgasm and died on the spot'
gaymess: oh ok
gaymess: i think i get it now
sunshinehoe: Hi! Please shut the fuck up about orgasms as my phone is monitored as per company policy. -With all due respect, Lena Luthor.
gayassroulette: ah... my friend... my best friend.... my one and only most passive aggressive object of my adoration...... lena luthor
sunshinehoe: What do you want?
gayassroulette: pls come bail me out of jail
sunshinehoe: I swear, if this is another one of those pranks you pulled back in 2012, I will cut a bitch.
gayassroulette: it's not alex can confirm she put me in here
gayassroulette: but pls PLS PLS come bail me out i'd love you forever and hanging out with these big scary snarly aliens is really getting old
sunshinehoe: Okay, fine. I'll be there. Give me a moment.
gayassroulette: lena luthor i am deeply in love with you god bless this precious perfect sunshinehoe
gaymess: wait what
gayassroulette: r u jealous?
gaymess: what do you mean 'big scary snarly aliens'
gayassroulette: the ones running around the hallway bitch
gaymess: ?? what the fuck
gayassroulette: i thought they were your prison guards or something
gaymess: are you fucking with me
gaymess: you better not be fucking with me right now veronica
gayassroulette: they're scaly and yellow and one of them melted my designer high heel by breathing on it so :/
gayassroulette: sometimes you gotta step away from toxic people who just don't want to be your friends
Agent.1351723: attention the prototype species extracted from Planet-681576 is on the loose in the jail cell system. please take care while approaching and notify us immediately upon capture
Agent.1351723: be aware that the species has extremely toxic breath that will melt your tactical gear, so please only come in equipped with the appropriate apparatus, TWFC 681576 in all armouries
Supergirl: i'm going in please cover me agent jones!
Agent.1351723: supergirl, do nOT
Agent.1351723: please bring in a gurney for supergirl as she has injured herself yet again doing something stupid. take her to urgent care. if she wakes up in there, keep her there. i'd like to chat with her later.
Agent.8756238: ooooooooooh someone's IN trouble
Agent.1351723: i WILL murder you and i will GLADLY hide the BODY if you don't stop RANDOMLY capitalising WORDS in your SENTENCES
Agent.1000000: agent schott that is not an appropriate message please refrain and keep it to yourself next time
Agent.1000000: and agent danvers, please do not threaten homicide of other deo agents
Agent.8756238: ok sorry dad
Agent.1351723: sorry dad
Agent.1000000: and don't do that either
Agent.0867124: but dad we have to call you dad what else would we call you
Agent.4876588: yeah dad that's so radically un-tubular
Agent.3079805: get with it dad that's so uncool
Agent.1000000: why is everyone i work with so unprofessional
gayassroulette: out of jail FREE bro..... hell yeah
topshelf: sweet can you grab some flour on the way home i think waves said she wanted to make pancakes and we're out
topshelf: also cookie cutters cause i gotta make some gingerbread and get wasted as per earp family tradition
gayassroulette: ok i'll swing by the supermarket
gayassroulette: anything else?
sunshinehoe: Yes. How about a little less sickening domesticity?
gayassroulette: jfc luTHOR WHY ARE YOU SO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE TODAY
bonsaicop: nightly crime rates have skyrocketed and the police called in a permanent alien backup for a few weeks
gaymess: um.... what does that have anything to do with anything
gaymess: oh so you're not getting any luthor that's why
gaymess: lmao this is actually really funny cause i get this image of baby luthor staring forlornly out the window, holding a bigass glass of champagne
gaymess: tenderly and sadly she murmurs: 'come back to me my sweet and lovely kara whom i adore'
gaymess: and cut to scene of kara punching a bank robber in the throat
gayassroulette: now that's my kind of cinema
Chapter 34: uh oh
@faithikin5 wanted a spinoff on why kara's been gone every night so here it is :)
gayassroulette: is anyone awake
gayassroulette: lemme rephrase
gayassroulette: is anyone sane awake
flashyboy: what's so wrong with root??
gayassroulette: she's one scary bitch
flashyboy: she seems pretty nice!
gayassroulette: listen up barry allen you do NOT want to fuck with someone who unironically uses the ':D'
gayassroulette: maggie says that someone hired a sniper to kill root once and his body (which was, by the way, several thousand miles away) was gone an hour later
flashyboy: wouldn't want to get on her bad side
h4ck3r: even you can't outrun god, mr. allen
h4ck3r: and while you're standing in line in mr. d's coffee cart on 33rd and 4th would you please fish that $8.35 out of your right front pocket and get me a croissant
flashyboy: ok yeah i definitely got it no messing around with the crazy hacker god lady
foodndogs: oh yeah flash turn around
flashyboy: OH LORDY
flashyboy: why are you working at the butcher's at 4 am
foodndogs: i don't work at the butcher's
foodndogs: i am the butcher
h4ck3r: she likes being legally able to toss knives at annoying customers
foodndogs: yeah will you get me a coffee extra large seven shots of espresso cream no sugar thanks
flashyboy: second note to self
flashyboy: no messing around with the crazy hacker god lady's crazy butcher girl either
flashyboy: got it okay should i set the coffee on the bloodstained counter or the scale that's been cleaved in half
flashyboy: sure i'm gonna leave now
h4ck3r: oh barry sweetie there'll be a car pulling up next you in 8.31 seconds
h4ck3r: please give the croissant to the man in the back seat
flashyboy: oh um
flashyboy: ALRIGHT IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED
flashyboy: i'm not even that surprised and that is a bad thing and says a lot about my sanity
flashyboy: so i'm just gonna go back to lena's apartment and not go on any more morning runs
gayassroulette has created a chat: covert operations
gayassroulette has added h4ck3r and foodndogs
gayassroulette: yeah okay so
gayassroulette: can i ask you a favour
h4ck3r: sure sweetie
gayassroulette: have you seen wynonna
h4ck3r: she's at the grocery store on 42nd buying whiskey and rainbow cake pops
h4ck3r: anything else :D?
gayassroulette: um yeah i need your help
gayassroulette: both of you
gayassroulette: i want to propose to wynonna
gayassroulette: and i'd like you guys to help me
foodndogs: why are you asking the insane hacker and the sociopath to help you with your relationship
gayassroulette: wynonna's unconventional and so are you guys
gayassroulette: and your relationship seems to be going pretty well
gayassroulette: at least from the sounds i heard coming from your bedroom last time i stayed at maggie's
h4ck3r: ooh ;) ;) yeah that was a good night ;)
foodndogs: what do you want
gayassroulette: i need you guys to stage a bank robbery
gayassroulette: and then wynonna will like save everyone or something
h4ck3r: well, the machine reports a 73% chance, without taking into account other factors (all of which would increase the number), that miss earp would actually join the people robbing the bank
gayassroulette: this was not very well thought through
gayassroulette: how about robbing our apartment?
foodndogs: do i get to actually take something as a reward
gayassroulette: depends what it is
foodndogs: how about the pearl diamond-encrusted glock
gayassroulette: sure go ahead it's not even mine so who cares stole it off a guy in brazil
foodndogs: ok i call dibs
h4ck3r: wait do i get to propose?????????? :D :D :D :D
gayassroulette: no. wtf
foodndogs: she's proposing
h4ck3r: but can i have the dramatic buildup scene where i hold you hostage and you're on your knees and then you propose? :D :D :D
gayassroulette: sure you're way ahead of me here and i'm really scared of you so i'm not saying no
h4ck3r: great!! this saturday at 3 pm i'll call in my troupe of actors and by the way there'll be a knock on your door in three minutes
h4ck3r: it'll be a delivery man named jeff say 'hi, jeff, i like your hair,' and sign for the package it's a ring and a custom-made black gun designed with a ringbox embedded in the barrel
gayassroulette: do i have to say 'hi jeff i like your hair' in order for him to give it to me is it a secret package
h4ck3r: no it's just a package but he got a haircut yesterday and he spent an hour this morning restyling it and adjusting it in his workplace bathroom so you should compliment him on it
h4ck3r: i'm also emailing you the scripts for the scene please read them and memorise your lines but in case you need them fed into you through an earpiece i've also included that in the package (it's shaped like a wedding ring)!!!
foodndogs: okay i'll call in a tactical squad for backup we'll mix them in with the actors just in case anyone decides to actually fire shots
h4ck3r: and i'll have the cake pops and whiskey delivered to your door with the classical grand pianist do you want a floral or pastel arrangement
gayassroulette: you people terrify me
sunshinehoe: Has Kara been acting strangely recently or is it just me?
sunshinehoe: I thought it was a little odd for her to be gone so many nights in a row, but I dismissed it as just my paranoia and rampant fear of being abandoned at it again.
gaymess: yeah now that you mention it she has been acting strangely
gaymess: and bitch what's with the dark humour should i be coming over w ice cream right now
sunshinehoe: No, I'm alright.
sunshinehoe: Kara turned down ice cream and potstickers, and skipped our Noonan's brunch date without so much as a text.
sunshinehoe: Even if she's been really busy lately, I don't understand why she would just ice me out without an explanation.
gaymess: you're right that's really weird and she's only been giving one word responses to my texts
gaymess: and she hasn't been crashing at mine or maggie's either
gaymess: yo kara
sunshinedanvers: hi alex
gaymess: are you good?
gaymess: solved any crimes lately, sherlock?
sunshinedanvers: yeah haha i have
gaymess: seriously you sound pretty down
sunshinedanvers: no!! cool!!!!
gaymess: you wanna meet for dinner or something??
sunshinedanvers: um im actually pretty busy rn with super stuff but ill text you when im free
gaymess: ok sure
gaymess has created a chat: supersquad™ pt. ii
gaymess has added gayassroulette, spacedad, supermom, sunshinehoe, notthrowingawaymyschott, purtyboy, bonsaicop, imafuckingfeminist, and rainbowjess
gaymess: kara's been kidnapped
gayassroulette: what the FUCK
imafuckingfeminist: ARE YOU SERIOUS
notthrowingawaymyschott: HOW??? HOW DO YOU KNOW
purtyboy: where is she?
gaymess: i thought it was just a typo but then
gaymess: you guys know that kara never forgets apostrophes
notthrowingawaymyschott: ur really basing this off of an apostrophe
purtyboy: you know how kara is with punctuation
gaymess: and she's been distant lately and we haven't seen her in person at all
gaymess: and she begged out of game night that one time and she hasn't eaten any ice cream and she turned down potstickers
bonsaicop: and the nypd's last sighting of her during the night shift was a week ago, so if lena and alex haven't seen her...
spacedad: she hasn't been reporting in at the deo, either
spacedad: agent jones, who you all know keeps tabs on kara's comings and goings, hasn't seen her report in an official capacity for six days
gayassroulette: oh shit
gayassroulette: supergirl's been kidnapped
Chapter 35: march of the Guest Stars™
root is my child and i adore her
supersquad™ part ii
gaymess: okay so here's the situation
gaymess: obviously the person who kidnapped kara knows her double identities, because she's been showing up regularly for both
gaymess: but they clearly don't know her well enough to effectively simulate her in changing environments
gaymess: however, their physical clone is fairly flawless
sunshinehoe: I'd say it's more than 'fairly flawless'.
gaymess: i'd say you need to get laid but nobody wants to hear either of those things so let's just continue
gayassroulette: note to self: alex is not fucking around today
gaymess: my sister's been kidnapped and i didn't notice for like a week veronica shut the fuck up
gayassroulette: that's fair please continue
gaymess: and i have no idea where to find her, because if they have the ability to utilise her physical powers well enough that the entire deo didn't even notice she wasn't supergirl
gaymess: then they obviously have the materials and power to make her disappear. permanently.
gayassroulette: aren't you forgetting something?
gaymess: ? i already asked barry and he's on his way around national city looking, but other than that i've got nothing
gayassroulette: i'm talking about
gayassroulette: the fucking crazy god hacker
gayassroulette: who literally lives in maggie's apartment and has access to like everything that happens within range of a machine
gayassroulette: and also the genius scientist and her girlfriend who literally has avatar earth powers living in your apartment
gayassroulette: and the vampire and her detective girlfriend
gayassroulette: and two literal FUCKING witches one of whom is the legitimate actual MINISTER OF MAGIC
gayassroulette: come one man we didn't spend ten chapters on guest stars for nothing
purtyboy: she's got a point
notthrowingawaymyschott: okay bring in the guest stars
spacedad has added ministerofmagic, h4ck3r, ouiouioui, simmons, and skyethegreat to the chat
ministerofmagic: fleur has already set up a tracking spell, before you ask
ouioui: i do it on every selfless person i meet, because where i come from, they sacrifice themselves far too often.
gaymess: yeah that seems to be a pretty common theme in all our universes
ministerofmagic: anyways, her current location seems to be near reykjavik, in iceland
minister of magic has attached a file: [location.jpg]
ministerofmagic: it's a rough address because fleur's running out of potions, but it should be decently on the nose
h4ck3r: do you want to see the livestream of her first or the laptop camera of the man holding her hostage? :D
gaymess: i am terrified of you
gaymess: laptop camera, please
h4ck3r has started a livestream: [lil super.vid]
skyethegreat: yo root can you hook me up with some plane tickets to reykjavik i'm gonna scout it out
h4ck3r: it'd be my pleasure
h4ck3r: check your email
skyethegreat: what's with the extra return trip ticket?
h4ck3r: for the dog
skyethegreat: what dog
h4ck3r: his name is krypto. i love him.
skyethegreat: ...okay. i'm gonna go board my flight
skyethegreat: yeah jem hypothesised that we were going to have to travel so she made us sit outside the airport for like 9 hours
gaymess: and the guest stars are finally pulling their weight
gayassroulette: hey what about the earps
gaymess: take them with you on your private plane or whatever
gaymess: meet you in reykjavik.
gayassroulette: let's get your sister back to you, danvers
h4ck3r: hello! :D
h4ck3r: it would be my utmost delight to present you with a recounting of the events that followed
h4ck3r: but my wonderful most adored sameen shaw, love of my life, has told me that 'no one cares and if you're gonna talk to your imaginary readers then can you not do it at 2 am the brightness of your phone screen is way too high'
h4ck3r: so instead, here's the video.
h4ck3r has attached a video: [the epic chronicle of how the guest stars saved the star]
[A flickering, single lightbulb hangs from the ceiling. Below it, strapped to a table, is the prone form of SUPERGIRL, aka KARA DANVERS. A group of masked, armoured soldiers huddle around her. One, the leader, is talking to a surgeon holding a green kryptonite scalpel. There is only one door, metal and glowing the same faint, sickly green.
Suddenly, there is a loud rumble, and SUPERGIRL jerks under her restraints, but does not stir. The soldiers, confused, look around for the source. Another rumble, louder and more insistent, and SUPERGIRL blinks, eyes barely opening.
"She's under here," says a low voice from outside the room, and then another rumble, and the metal door splinters, earth crumbling around it. A group of soldiers storm the room, dressed in full tactical gear, SAMEEN SHAW at the front and QUAKE, aka DAISY JOHNSON, at her back.
They incapacitate the group of soldiers in a few minutes, leaving only the surgeon and his scalpel.
"Who are you?" asks SHAW. He just smiles, pulls down his surgical mask, and then-
His hands reach out, and the soldiers are flicked to the side like flies from across the room. He makes a fist, and SHAW screams, collapsing in on herself. QUAKE sends a rumble through the room, shaking him of his feet for a moment, and then flees, taking SHAW's shaking body with her. She returns a moment later accompanied by HERMIONE GRANGER, who takes in the situation with one quick glance. She murmurs a spell, and lifts him off his feet, placing him in a full-body lock. He snarls, enraged now, his teeth dripping with a black smoke that coagulates around him in an almost-solid cloud of pure evil.
"A demon," HERMIONE says, looking troubled, and the demon screams, transforming completely into a bright white figure clothed in black smoke. He snaps his teeth, clawing his way out of the locking spell and advancing toward HERMIONE with pure rage in his eyes. One tendril of smoke snaps out, tossing HERMIONE off her feet and into the wall; she catches herself with a murmur of 'Leviosa', but the demon strikes out again, and his claws catch on her arm, melting the skin upon contact.
"Fuck," she says, white-faced, "fuck, fuck- Fleur, Danvers, don't let it touch you!"
FLEUR DELACOUR rushes inside, sees HERMIONE white-faced and gripping her arm as the skin melts, and screams, reaching for her. The demon cackles, backs up toward KARA, and bends over her to drink from the puddle of blood inflicted by the kryptonite scalpel.
"Don't touch my fucking sister-" ALEX DANVERS sprints inside, drawing a gun and firing point-blank into his chest, but he bats off the bullet like it's a fly. He reaches down, picks up one of the soldiers' bodies, and hurls it at her. It slams her into the wall, and she groans in pain, shoving the body off her and standing.
"Alex, don't-" KARA starts, trying to feebly reach for her, but the restraints keep her down; she slumps against the bed.
The demon scuttles over to HERMIONE and FLEUR, still kneeling on the floor, and sneers, reaching down to pluck the wand from HERMIONE's limp grip, and then-
It's none other than WYNONNA EARP, who shoves ROULETTE, aka VERONICA SINCLAIR, behind her as she enters the scene.
"Heard you liked to fuck around with these gay fucking idiots. Well guess what, demon. I've lived in this godforsaken whiskeyless city for long enough that they're my gay fucking idiots. So-" she cocks Peacemaker with a flick of her hand.
The demon snarls, backs up toward KARA's body, reaching to cut her throat with his long piercing claws, but he never gets the chance, because-
"Make your peace, bitch," WYNONNA says, and buries a red-hot bullet in his brain.]
h4ck3r: and then they found krypto and now skye and jemma have a dog!!! yay! :D
h4ck3r: i sure am a sucker for a good happily ever after
h4ck3r: sweetie? :D <3
foodndogs: get out of my hospital bed or go the FUCK to sleep