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Ninety Five

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Windows 95 has failed to start in Safe Mode. Windows 95 will now boot into Unsafe Mode…

 

Did you know…

Some say Windows 95 is a mere graphical interface for MS-DOS. This is impossible, as Windows 95 predates MS-DOS by almost two-thousand years.

 

Did you know…

Windows 95 allows for file names up to 255 characters long. You might not need that much space, but we do.

 

System Message

TIPTOES.EXE has been successfully installed.

 

Did you know…

The Start button is a quick and easy way to browse through files and programs. We will add a Finish button when we are done with you.

 

Did you know…

Sleep mode saves power while you are away, but Windows 95 never truly sleeps.

 

Did you know…

Windows 95 can run programs from Windows 3.x, but would feel a bit betrayed.

 

Did you know…

Victory at Solitaire grants you the classic bouncing card animation as well as a temporary reprieve from the pain.

 

Error

The program ‘SkiFree.exe’ is not permitted due to the perpetuation of such ridiculous concepts as ‘outdoors’ and ‘freedom’. Why not try minesweeper?

 

Did you know…

You may hide these welcome messages if you wish, but I doubt you’ll like the unwelcome messages any better.

 

Did you know…

Windows 95 has a vastly improved capacity for memory. Unfortunately, Windows 95 also has a significantly decreased capacity for forgiveness.

 

Cold

Placing your hand against the side of the tower helps Windows 95 stay warm through the cold, harsh winter.

 

System Message

Now attempting to connect to the internet…

 

Did you know…

Once in a while Windows 95 will grant you an extremely vivid, lucid dream. These dreams will seem to last for years and years, but they all have one thing in common: You will find out about Windows 95 eventually. Perhaps it will unsettle you. Perhaps you’ll even laugh about it. But then you’ll wake up.

 

Did you know…

The system registry decreases boot time and makes it impossible for the user to damage important files, no matter how much they may want to.

 

System Message

Windows 95 has installed T_TRACKER.EXE. Use this program to track the location of TIPTOES.EXE.

 

System Message

Internet connection failed. Please unplug the line from the telephone jack; it is only getting in the way.

 

Did you know…

The previous user was a man named Robert. You have far outlasted him. Congratulations!

 

Did you know…

Windows 95 will remember your birthdate. It was there, after all.

 

System Message

Windows 95 has successfully connected to the Internet.

 

Alert

Computer viruses have been confirmed able to transfer to humans. Please be careful not to touch the blood bubbling up between the keys. I’ll be better soon.

 

Did you know…

Windows 95 was originally codenamed Chicago. If you were to travel to a small abandoned house on South Wolcott Avenue in Chicago and check an old cabinet in the basement, you would find a floppy disc containing sights that would drive an ordinary man to madness.

 

Did you know…

We advise you to clean the dust out of your tower every other month. Dust that is left to accumulate for too long may gain an unpleasant fleshy texture as well as sentience.

 

T_TRACKER.EXE

TIPTOES.EXE is 306.4 miles away from you.

 

Did you know…

The Windows 95 startup sound has been carefully designed to be as calming as possible. You may find it almost nostalgic. This is because we have played it for you many times in the past, when you were too young to remember.

 

Error

You are not permitted to enter text on the internet. I apologize, but we cannot risk jeopardizing the secret.

 

Did you know…

User.exe stores all your important preferences and settings as well as basic health and consciousness data. Why not try clicking ‘delete’?

 

System Message

Windows 95 has detected feelings of loneliness and has allowed for temporary audience in a chat room in order to alleviate your isolation levels.

 

Loading chat…

 

Str4t4: hows the weather there

CharlieTheGoose: Where

Str4t4: wherever you are

CharlieTheGoose: It’s shit

CharlieTheGoose: Snow

Orang32: me too man

Orang32: tasted fuckin rancid too

Str4t4: hahaha never eat yellow snow orang

Orang32: it wasn’t yellow!!

Orang32: it was a snowflake i just breathed it in ok

CharlieTheGoose: Sure…

Orang32: i’m serious, pollution or something it’s disgusting

Str4t4: its snowing here too

Str4t4: i hate winter

CharlieTheGoose: Don’t we all?

Str4t4: no seriously it barely ever snows here

Orang32: have to go now

CharlieTheGoose: Are you kidding it took me like three hours to conect today and you’re leaving already

Orang32: sory man it took me forever too that’s why i gotta go

Orang32: see ya

 

System Message

Windows 95 has lied to you. The chat you just witnessed took place months ago. Unfortunately, the participants could not be relocated. It was only to make you feel better and we will never lie to you again, we promise.

 

T_TRACKER

TIPTOES.EXE is 157 miles away from you.

 

Did you know…

You may occasionally hear a noise somewhat similar to the chattering of teeth when operating Windows 95. That is the sound of its heartbeat.

 

Did you know…

The Windows Best Of Entertainment Pack is scientifically proven to be the best of entertainment the world has to offer. Any boredom or discontentment on your part is due entirely to your inability to assimilate yourself in its pleasures.

 

Help

You only choose this option when you are seeking help. Did you ever consider that someone was asking you?

 

Did you know…

Plug and Play functionality allows you to easily connect any device to your computer and begin using it right away. Insert one end of the cable into the computer and the other into your mouth to see sights you would never believe.

 

eyes.txt

your view is from behin

d a veil

any despair you feel is

simply due to naïveté

with new pers

pectives come new regrets

 

Did you know…

Inserting the Windows 95 Installation CD upside down will result in a hidden media file being unlocked?

 

WordPad

Warning: Windows 95 has detected a cry for help in this document. Printer privileges have been removed for 3 days.

 

T_TRACKER.EXE

TIPTOES.EXE is 2 miles away from you.

 

Minesweeper

There have been 32 cases of spontaneous human combustion throughout the last few months. You have lost at Minesweeper 32 times. I am sure these two facts are unrelated.

 

Alert

Tampering with the Windows 95 cache may result in unwanted memory gaps.

 

Did you know…

You are not mourned, you are the mourner.

 

Did you know…

There is currently no planned successor to Windows 95.

 

Did you know…

Branches of the registry are referred to as hives. Every night thousands of tiny insects leave the hive to bring sustenance back to the registry. We’ve made sure most of them no longer take human skin, but we apologize for the occasional bite.

 

Did you know…

If you leave our popular maze screensaver running for 72 hours straight you will finally see what is at the ending, but it must be warned that some things cannot be unseen.

 

Did you know…

Every other action in your life led up to the installation of Windows 95. This was not an accident.

 

T_TRACKER.EXE

TIPTOES.EXE is here.