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What if?

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In front of me was what I have been waiting for my whole life... well, that's a bit exaggerated. In front of me was what I've been waiting for since I met the Face of God all those years back. 

I wanted to jump on him and scream yes over and over again. However, I knew that if I wanted a real marriage, I would need monogamy and the true Brian. Most of our problems come from moving to fast and making decisions impulsively. I've always known that he loved me, but he was only able to confess it because in less of five years he almost lost me twice. That's not a man I believe is able to put on the table what it's needed for marriage... at least not now.

We needed to do something we were only ever brave enough to do after we made a horrible mistake and wanted to corrected, as: after the whole issue with Ethan and Brian's cancer. However, this time I have to do it first; because I knew Brian will never do it by himself.

On the other hand, he made this grand gesture, breaking all his rules for... not me, but himself and our future. He sold the two things that characterizes Brian Fucking Kinney, the man he has been for so long and the reputation that has caused us so many problems. It showed me that he is willing to change. Also, him looking at me with such an open and unguarded expression, after saying such sweet words and calling me his prince, made me reconsider what to do.

"Yes" I answered.

Before I knew it, I was in his arms and we were devouring each other's mouths as if there was no tomorrow. We ended up naked on the floor with only a blanket covering us, he tells me how he would like to be able to see the faces of the gang when they open the invitation to our wedding. That's when I knew that we were moving too fast. Brian was acting out of fear and desperation, trying to act as he believes I want him to, afraid of losing me: his light in the darkness. I am not being presumptuous I just knew my place in Brian's life; which I shared with Gus. Otherwise I wouldn't have stayed by his side after every humiliation he made me pass through; I am not that desperate!

"Bri... we need to talk" I started tentatively, not knowing how to phrase my feelings without him lashing out "Please, listen to me carefully and understand what I really mean before you get defensive".

I hated begging as much as Brian does, but I really didn't know what to do without losing him again to his old bad habits. I felt him tensing, noting my serious tone. However, when I tilted my head so I could see him in the eyes he relaxed a bit.

"Ok" was all he said, but by the way he tightened his arms around my waist, snuggling me closer to his chest and dangled his legs with mine I knew that he was willing to fulfill my request.

"Marriage is a commitment, it means monogamy. I am not asking you to give it to me or giving you an ultimatum of: only me or we don't get married" I added rapidly when I saw him closing, putting shields to protect him from me.

It hurt, but I understood where it comes from, and I never hated someone as much as I hated his parents then. It took a while before he relaxed again, but when I was sure he had I began talking again:

"We can have other things that surely will mean more to you than a ceremony that holds no legal background. Such as: Living wills, powers of attorney, life insurance, health insurance and a domestic partnership agreement. Then we would be as married as we can be now a days. I don't want a big ceremony, with the gang there to make too much of a scandal and a judgmental priest. When you are ready to stop tricking and settle down, then we can get married. And the ceremony will be small and simple, with only us, my mom, Daphne and Gus. Our promise to each other will mean much more than the 'Now I proclaim you, by the power the state of Pennsylvania gave me, husband and husband' of a boring fucking priest who wants to be anywhere but there".

All my fears were gone as I finished my little speech. How could I ever doubt him? As I always tell him, 'I am into him', he is into me as well.

I only had to look him in his eyes to know that he comprehended me.

"It might take a lot of waiting" he warned me, making me laugh.

"Is that you aren't getting it by now? I will wait until the end of the world for you, I will never leave your side as long as you love me and want me there. I'll walk through hell with you if you need me to. Until then, we will be engaging" I promised him.

The smile that broke into his face then was worth every painful moment, every tear and every humiliation I had to go through these last few years. It was the smile of a man who has been lost and drowning in a sea of sorrow, who had finally found shore.

"The fucking longest engagement!" he joked pulling me into a consecutive sequel of small sweet kisses. Not that I'll ever describe his kisses like that if I don't want Brian going ballistic.

"I don't care" I replied, pulling him into a true kiss.

Next thing I knew we had two more rounds of amazing sex... no, love making in our home. While lying down in his warm embrace, head above his heart, enjoying its steady beating; then it occurred to me:

"We also have to discuss Gus".