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(You and Me Could Write a) Red Romance

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"No, no no no no no. No." Vriska looked as though she was about to begin slapping Tavros at any moment as she towered above him. He was sitting down in his terminal's chair, the central room of the lab vacant of anyone who might be able to rescue him. Though he now had working legs, Vriska still dominated him physically as she leaned over, scowling down upon the frightened Troll.

 

"This is what we do," she went on. "You are so stupid! Why are you so stupid? Tell me, Tavros! Tell me why you're so stupid!"

 

"I'm sorry," Tavros said, looking away, "I just figured ... since there are no Imperial Drones anymore that ... well, maybe we didn't have to worry about all this, uh, romance stuff. You know? It's so confusing."

 

Her brow was furrowed in anger. "Tavros this is what we are MEANT TO DO! Why do you have to be so difficult all the time?! It's a ... it's a biological imperative! Stop denying nature!"

 

"Really?" Tavros looked back to her. "I always thought it was just so we weren't culled."

 

Vriska let out a growling sigh as she threw her hands up. "You idiot! Think about it! How did the Imperial Drones get created in the first place? Do you think they just popped into existence, or do you think that maybe their desire for romantic encounters themselves lead to their own propagation?!"

 

Tavros fiddled with his fingers nervously as he thought. "Uhh ... I actually ... have no idea where the Drones came from. That is kind of a complicated issue, I think... Aren't they a different species? I've never seen one so I don't really know... I know a lot of species on Alternia but ... they're confusing."

 

"BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVE!" she yelled.

 

"Okay!" Tavros sunk away from the girl meekly. "Sorry, Vriska, I'm just ... nervous. The last time that you -- that you kissed me, you kind of also ... threw me on the ground ... really hard."

 

"I was dealing with a lot of things, OK? Girl things. Girl things are complicated. Shut the hell up."

 

"S-Sorry ..."

 

"Ugh," Vriska's anger was flowing into boredom, which was never good for Tavros. "Your apologies aren't exactly getting me in the mood for romance."

 

His brain flared up with the urge to apologize once more. He held it in.

 

"So ... what should I do?"

 

"Maybe try wooing me with something OTHER than acting like you have zero interest in doing this?"

 

"Oh! No, I have interest!" Tavros sputtered, unsure of his feelings himself. "I mean, it's nice, but ... you still ... scare me a little. Maybe ... maybe we should practice with other people first?"

 

"What?!"

 

Tavros' eyes went wide. "Uh--"

 

"You moron! Stand up right now. We are doing this. We are DOING THIS TAVROS, WE ARE DOING THIS NOW."           

 

Vriska was not yet used to the new appendages Tavros had acquired. It had been a long time since he stood in front of her properly. He had grown since they last played FLARP together, and he now stood much taller than the girl. She hid her surprise as she had to look up to meet his gaze, which he quickly dropped.

 

"Okay, so ..." Tavros awkwardly placed his hands on the girl's shoulders and brought his body closer to her, catching her off guard. Her face began to grow blue, though Tavros was busily occupied with placing his large metal feet properly. When he looked up, Vriska changed her shocked expression to one of a more familiar anger.

 

"I-Idiot, don't crush my feet with those hooves of yours!"

 

"Sorry. What should I do now?"

 

"What do you mean?!"

 

Tavros had been flushed himself for some time, but his color seemed to deepen as he looked down at the girl. "O-Oh, uhh ... I didn't ... Sorry ... Uhh,"

 

With his eyes focused firmly on the wall to his side, Tavros quickly forced his face toward hers, smashing their foreheads together and missing her lips by miles.

 

"Holy hell!" Vriska cried, rubbing her forehead as Tavros clung to her shoulders, his fingers digging in as he let out a stream of apologies. "You are fucking worthless!"

 

"I'm sorry! Sorry!"

 

"I thought you knew what you were doing!"

 

"N-no, I never said that!"

 

"Moron!"

 

"Y-You did it last time, Vriska ... I ...  I was ... I kind of don't remember a lot of it."

 

"WHAT?!"

 

"I mean -- uhh, because I, I had crashed into your room! I hit my head! It hurt!"

 

"You are the WORST!"

 

"I'm sorry!"

 

"Okay COME HERE. I will teach you the way I have to teach you how to do everything in your pathetic life. God, you are SO LUCKY you have me around, I literally cannot imagine anyone else who could put up with your shit all the time!"

 

Tavros relaxed his posture as he took a deep, reassuring breath. "Okay..."

 

Vriska shifted in place, attempting to appear as mature and professional as she could muster, suppressing her own nervousness with her trademark excessive bravado. "Okay, first, get your huge face down here!"

 

Tavros complied, uncomfortably leaning forward until they were level. He kept his eyes on the floor as he hunched toward her.

 

"Okay, so, now ... okay, I'm going to kiss you and --- you just FOLLOW MY LEAD, OK? Try not to fuck it up TOO badly."

 

"I'll try, Vriska, but I--"

 

Vriska forcefully planted a kiss on Tavros,' her lips a full inch from her face as she over-puckered in an attempt to mimic what she had seen in the movies. It was much better the first time, she thought, when there wasn't so much stupid pressure from such stupid people!

 

Tavros met the girl gently, relaxing into the awkward embrace as best he could. He attempted to match her motions, and his lips, arguably much softer and more receptive than Vriska’s, parted over her upper lip as he pressed closer to her. The girl's eyes went wide.

 

"OW!" Tavros fell back from the girl, his hand over his mouth. "You bit me!"

 

"What?" Vriska looked surprised.

 

"Why did you bite me?!"

 

"I told you to follow my lead! It's called making out, shithead!"

 

"Vriska, I don't think you're supposed to bite--"

 

"What do you know about making out?!" she snapped. "Come on, tell me how many people you've done it with! List them! Right now!"

 

"Uh..."

 

"Exactly! You are completely inexperienced AND stupid!"

 

"S-sorry ..."

 

She seemed flustered. "You -- You should be!"

 

"Should I ... bite you back?"

 

Vriska eyed the wall nervously as she thought. "No. No! Of course not! Only the girls get to bite. Guys enjoy it more!"

 

"Oh ... okay." Tavros looked disappointed.

 

"Okay, come here, we're going to do it again and you're going to get it right this time!"

 

 

 

 

"Wow," was all Karkat could think to say as he watched the debacle unfold from the safety of the dark hallway, out of the horrific couple's sight.

 

"I think I see blood," Sollux said quietly from his side.

 

"We are surrounded by fucking morons."

 

"It's so horrible, but I can't look away. It's mesmerizing in its awfulness."

 

A pathetic squeak came from the room as Vriska's metal hand clawed into the side of her prey.

 

Karkat shook his head sadly. "Hasn't life shit on Tavros enough?"

 

"He is basically god’s personal load gaper at this point."

 

"It's pretty sad. How do you NOT know how to kiss someone, anyway? They're both idiots."

 

Sollux made the nasal sound he often did when he held back a laugh. "Yeah, because YOU are quite the expert."

 

"Fuck you. I know more than you do."

 

"I doubt that."

 

Karkat looked to his friend, who slowly returned the gaze, an uncomfortable expression on his face. They stared at each other for a brief moment before Karkat sneered violently.

 

"I am not going to kiss you to prove a point, Captor."

 

"I wasn't asking you to!"

 

"Whatever!"

 

"Fuck you."

 

"Fuck YOU!"

 

"Fuck you and your disgusting little gnarled bits of shriveled flesh you call genitalia."

 

"Fuck you and the crater-sized poredumps speckling your saggy ass."

 

"Fuck you and the chitinous fucking--"

 

"WOW, SHUT UP," Vriska's voice echoed out from inside the room. "BOTH OF YOU."

 

"K-Karkat--?" Tavros' voice was squeaking.

 

"YOU SHUT UP TOO!" she yelled.

 

Karkat and Sollux exchanged glances.

 

"Well, Tavros does have legs now," Sollux said quietly, as though it meant something.

 

Karkat nodded. "Yeah. He'll be fine. Let's get the fuck out of here."

 

Another pathetic squeak went unheard in the large, empty room.