Chapter 1: Nothing Else Matters
Trigger Warning. Death and mentions of death.
It couldn't happen to him? No, you only see it on T.V. or read it in books. This couldn't possibly happen to him? He had so much potential at such a young age it couldn't happen to him. However, things don't always work out the way you want them to.
It was Christmas Eve and young Gerard was sitting in front of the fireplace, desperate for some form of warmth. His mother was too concerned with paying their father's medical bills that she almost forgot she was raising a nine year old and a eight year old.
"No!" Gerard heard his mother scream from the kitchen. He peaked his head up from where it was ducked between his knees and looked in the direction of the kitchen. From there he could see his mother hunched over in a ball as the phone dangled from the receiver line. Even at such a young age Gerard knew what had happened.
He had lost his father to cancer.
This filled him with anger. Pure, white, hot anger. Despite his anger, the only thing that came out was choked sobs of agony, rather than wrathful cries. Poor Mikey was upstairs sleeping oblivious to the whole situation going on downstairs.
Donna, their mom came in to comfort Gerard as he sobbed violently into her chest. She had to make herself look strong in front of Gerard. She couldn't make herself seem weak when Gerard needed her most. She had to stay strong for Gerard and Mikey no matter how much it killed her.
*Nine years later*
"Hi, Gee!" The short, fourteen year old boy smiled as he reached out a hand towards Gerard. Gerard looked at him distastefully, but shook his hand anyways, since his mom was in viewing distance.
"Gerard." He corrected flatly, shoving his hands back in his pockets. Frank smiled as he plunked down into the soft grass, patting the spot next to him. Gerard rolled his eyes and sat down across from Frank instead.
Gerard envied Frank's happiness. I guess that's why he tries to take it away from him so much. Gerard wasn't sure why Frank was so obsessed with him. No matter how hard Gerard tries, he just can't shake Frank.Yes, Gerard was the only kid around his age in this small town, besides Mikey, but he was the most abusive. Gerard could clearly see a yellowish bruise fading on Frank's cheekbone. Frank probably had more bruises before hand, but Gerard didn't keep count anymore.
Somehow Donna and Frank's mom, Linda, became friends when Frank's family moved into town. Unfortunately, that meant Gerard was to befriend Frank, or at least act like it. Frank however, thought they were the best of friends despite Gerard's obvious annoyance and irritation towards him.
Gerard didn't necessarily hate Frank, he just disliked him enough to use him as a punching bag. Mikey however, was lucky enough to actually have friends and not have to deal with Frank. Mikey and Frank did meet once, but Frank still preferred Gerard more.
Frank knew why Gerard was so abusive to him, he didn't mind much. He just wanted to have a friend in this new town.
Frank's face twitched painful as he accidentally brushed one of his many bruises on his face. Who knew that a chubby, fifteen year old could really pack a punch?
"So, I stole these Pokémon off that kid on the bus," Frank paused as he pulled the cards out of his pocket. "I was thinking we could trade?" He suggested. Gerard sighed. He hated that Frank knew he always carried his Pokémon cards with him. Although, he was pleased that Frank listened to him when he told him to steal the cards from the fat kid on the bus. Gerard pulled his stash of cards out from the pocket inside his coat, and displayed them in front of Frank.
"Alright take your pick." Gerard waved. He knew Frank had no idea what he was doing and it was quite amusing seeing him act like he did know. Adorable even. Frank chewed on his fingernail as his eyes scanned over the cards.
"Ah, that one!" He exclaimed picking it up. Gerard raised a questionable eyebrow.
"That one, really?" Gerard questioned. Frank nodded his head eagerly. "Alright, what will you give me for it?" Gerard asked as he took the Jigglypuff from Frank. Frank quickly looked down at his deck and picked out the first one he saw, then handed it to Gerard.
"Are you positive? Once we trade there's no trade backs." Gerard warned. Frank nodded his head enthusiastically, making grabby hands for the card.
"God, you're so gay." Gerard grumbled. Frank was very familiar with the term 'gay', but he didn't exactly know what it meant. He knew it was most likely offensive, but to each insult comes some truth. So maybe it wasn't meant to be offensive? Maybe it was Gerard simply informing that Frank is gay, whatever that meant.
Suddenly, the warm afternoon was ruined as Linda came rushing down the stairs and engulfing Frank in a hug as she cried. Frank was confused as to why she was so upset and was curious as to what had happened. Gerard, however had a strong feeling as to what happened. He knew something terrible had happened. Donna wasn't far behind as she came down the stairs wiping her tears frantically.
Gerard raised himself to his knees as he watched Frank's confusion grow into a empty and pained expression. Frank's eyes filled with tears as he clutched his mother tightly in a hug. Gerard barely heard what Frank's mother whispered into Frank's ear, but he heard enough.
Frank's father had just died in a car crash.
Linda slowly pulled herself away from Frank as Donna coaxed her back inside. It seemed like just then, Linda and Frank's fate had been determined. Linda would fall back into her drinking habits, that she worked so hard on overcoming, and Frank would be miserable again as he struggled with dealing with his mother's drunken rages and Gerard's abusive ways. Although, this time he was alone. He didn't have his father anymore to tell him it will pass. He was completely and utterly alone.
For the couple years Gerard has known Frank it had been his agenda to make Frank's life hell just like his, but seeing how Frank drain into a completely emotionless vessel, that struck a nerve in Gerard that he couldn't describe. It was something he never felt before. Gerard pushed the feeling away and repressed it.
That day Gerard saw a side of Frank he has never seen before. Frank was always known as the sweet innocent boy, but what Gerard was witnessing wasn't Frank at all. Even when Gerard would beat on Frank, yes he would break down and cry, but Gerard never saw this.
Frank took the stack of cards he was holding and ripped them angrily, before throwing them on the cement sidewalk. Frank grabbed the bits of ripped cards off the ground, then started pounding his fists into the hard cement. There was something very animalistic that was coming out of Frank, it was something that intrigued but also alarmed Gerard. Frank's eyes were wide with rage and pain. His hands were moving at such an impeccable speed that it gave Gerard whiplash just watching him.
"After everything I've been through this is how it turns out in the fucking end!" Frank screamed, slamming his bloody fist into the pavement repeatedly. Gerard was frozen where he sat on the grass. He couldn't believe what he was seeing, let alone hearing.
Gerard wondered what Frank meant by 'after everything I've been through'. Was there something Frank never told Gerard? What could possibly be worse than losing your father? Maybe there are somethings Frank never told Gerard? Things he would never tell him. Gerard wouldn't doubt it, why would Frank want to tell Gerard anything?
As Frank continued pounding his once pale, bony hands into the cement, Gerard felt a twinge of remorse inside him. The term 'careful what you wish for' really took effect here. It almost seemed like Gerard wasn't even in control of his body as he moved closer to Frank. Gerard cupped Frank's shaking, bloody hands in his in attempts to stop him. Frank flinched slightly as Gerard got even closer.
"Don't." Frank choked out. Again, Gerard felt another pang of sadness as he looked down at Frank. Gerard has never been the comforting type of person, but Gerard has been in this situation before, and right now, he has to be there for Frank.
"I'm not gonna hurt you." Gerard whispered sadly, as he wrapped an arm gently around Frank's shoulders. Frank didn't believe him. In fact, he tried getting away from him, but his attempts failed when he pushed his tender, bloody fists into Gerard's chest as tried to get away. Frank screamed out in pain as he collapsed into Gerard. Gerard was startled at first, but he hesitantly wrapped his arms around Frank, embracing him softly. This wasn't a normal thing for Gerard. He told himself this would never happen again, but then again, he tells himself a lot of things.
Frank buried his head into Gerard's chest as he sobbed from both physical and emotional pain. Gerard rocked back and forth slowly, trying to comfort Frank. Frank balled up his fist in Gerard's black shirt.
"It's not fucking fair!" Frank screamed. Gerard felt tears threatening to spill from his eyes, but he tried his best to push them back. Gerard rubbed Frank's back softly as Frank cried harder.
"I know, trust me, I know." Gerard exhaled unevenly as he let the tears fall down his face. Gerard desperately hoped Frank didn't notice him crying. Gerard saw crying as a form of weakness. Gerard doesn't even cry in front of Mikey. Gerard hated himself for this, but for once in his life, this wasn't about him. He needed to be there for Frank.
Gerard may dislike Frank to a certain degree and seeing him like you'd think Gerard would be happy, right? Wrong. He wanted Frank miserable after all, so why was he upset for Frank? Gerard couldn't even answer his own question. Just like for Frank and Linda, Gerard and Frank's fate seemed determined as well, and it wasn't a bed of roses.
As Frank cried into Gerard's chest he felt a feeling boil inside him that he hasn't felt in a very long time. He cried harder into Gerard's chest as he pressed his bloody fist into Gerard letting the familiar feeling sink in. Hate.
"You don't know shit." Frank spat through tears. "You never have and you never will." He cried. Gerard was more confused now than anything else. What did Frank mean by that? Frank knew Gerard lost his father too, so what was different? Gerard had a strong feeling something terrible had happened to Frank in the past, but he decided not to dwell on it. Gerard tried calming Frank down some more as he pushed Frank's choppy, black hair out from his face.
"I'm here, Frank." Gerard whispered. Frank whimpered as Gerard took his hand in his. "Let's get you clean up, yeah?" Gerard offered as he lifted them both from the ground. Regardless of Frank's growing hatred inside him, he clung to Gerard as he guided them inside.
Gerard knew he wasn't perfect. He was far from it. However, all his anger and sadness had to be set aside for now. Gerard needed to be there for Frank for once in his life. That's what he needs to focus on. Nothing else matters.
Chapter 2: Hate Unconditional
*Four years later*
I sat at my desk with my head down, mindlessly playing with my with my pencil like it was the neck of a guitar. A ripple of laughter coursed through the room. The source came from behind me. I didn't dare to look up. Anxiety bubbled inside me as the laughter died down. Just then, I felt something hit the back of my head and fall to the floor. I took in a sharp breath as the anxiety subsided and my anger rose. The snickering continued, but the sound was drowned out as the bell rang.
I hung around the classroom a little bit after the bell rang to avoid them. It would be easier if I had friends.
"Go home, Frank." A voice sighed from the front of the room. I turned back to see Mr. Urie grading test papers at his desk. I laughed nervously.
"Sorry, didn't want to get caught up in the crowd." I lied. Mr. Urie smiled taking off his glasses and rubbing his tired eyes.
"I feel ya, don't forget assignments due Thursday, see ya on Monday." Mr. Urie waved. I nodded as I walked out of the room. The halls were slightly less congested considering most kids grab their shit and run. It's a Friday afterall.
I sighed as I unlocked my locker. I wasn't looking forward to going home and dealing with my mother. Who knows what I could walk into today. Last week I walked in and she was passed out on the couch and let's not discuss the smell. The week before that was more physical, but let's not focus on that either.
I threw my books inside my locker and didn't bother grabbing anything else. Not like I was actually going to do my homework, right? Suddenly, my locker was slammed shut unexpectedly. I sighed irritatedly as I looked up and met eyes with Mikey Way. Luckily, for me it was just Mikey today.
Mikey was a good kid he just fell under the wrong influences. He did anything his older brother, Gerard told him to do. Gerard and I have a long history together. A history I don't like to dwell on. Another person that falls under Gerard's commands is a guy with outrageously long, black hair named Bert. He however, can suck a dick.
"Mikey." I scoffed rather annoyed. Mikey tried his best to act intimidating as he stood up straighter and puffed out his chest slightly, but his attempts always failed. His messy brown hair and dorky glasses that sit on the bridge of his nose makes it impossible for him to be intimidating.
"Uh, yeah sorry, um-" I cut off his stammering. If he's going to waste my time he might as well punch me so we can both go home. Unfortunately for him, he lives with Gerard. We're both just trying to save our own asses.
"Can I go home?" I asked. Any other day Mikey would have said yes, but I have a feeling a certain someone is watching.
"I'm afraid not, there's something-" he started, but I cut him off. I rolled my eyes growing more pissed off by the second.
"If Gerard needs to speak to me tell him to find me himself." I groaned, turning on my heel to walk away. Luckily, no one chased after me this time as I walked out the front doors. I just wanted to go home. It's been a long day and a even longer week.
"Fuckin' hell." I muttered as I stopped just outside the door. There sat on the wooden bench, smoking a cigarette indulgently, was none other than Gerard Way. He didn't seem to notice me at first until he bent down to stub out his cigarette on the bottom of his shoe.
"Ah, I knew Mikey couldn't get the job done, maybe I'll send in Bert next time." He suggested as the last bit of smoke escaped his lips. He stretched upward like a cat as he stood up and made his way to where I stood. "Maybe he'll toss you up a bit." He smiled sickly.
"What do you want? Can't you see you've already banged me up enough yesterday?" I asked, waving a hand around the left side of my face. Gerard reached out a hand and stroked the purple bruises on my face with the back of his fingers softly. I made brief eye contact with him. His piercing olive-green eyes felt like they were burning holes in my flesh. They were almost identical to Mikey's, but Gerard's had a more hazel brown tint to his.
"Hmm, yes that is a shiner," he stated, "but that's not why I'm here." He added. He's surprisingly calm today and that's slightly alarming. It's always calm before the storm.
"Then why are you here?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. It's very rare that Gerard and I have conversations like normal people, but when we do I'm always skittish. I never know when he's going to snap. Gerard sighed sadly.
"Need a ride home?" He asked. I shook my head no. "Yes you do." He said grabbing me by the arm as his mom's car pulled up. I flinched slightly as he grabbed me. I was always scared when he touched me. Not because I thought he was going to hit me. No, much worse, but that's for another day.
"I can walk." I insisted. Gerard hummed in response as he opened the backseat door for me before he got in the front seat. For a douchebag, he's pretty polite. He's weird like that.
"Hello boys." Donna greated us. Gerard rolled down his passenger side window, letting his bright red hair flow in the breeze. "Gerard, have you been smoking?" Donna asked sternly.
"No, it was Frank." Gerard replied nonchalantly. Donna gave me a skeptical look in the rearview mirror.
"My apologies, Ms. Way." Donna rolled her eyes.
"Frank we've been over this before, you call me Donna." She said. I smiled thoughtfully. I liked Donna she was nice. She was more of a mother to me than my own, but that doesn't make up for the fact I hate her redheaded son. She did good with Mikey though.
"Mikey is going over to Pete's house, so what do you want for dinner?" She asked Gerard. Gerard shrugged his shoulders. Donna lowered her head more towards Gerard. "Have you told him?" She dropped her voice to a whisper. I tried to block out their conversation but I failed.
"No." Gerard said flatly. Donna shook her head disapprovingly.
"Frank?" Donna called out. I raised my head slightly from where I was looking out the window.
"Yes?" I asked, refraining myself from saying 'yes ma'am' because she would complain about it making her feel old.
"Your mom has asked for you to stay over at our house for a few hours." She informed. Anger welled up inside me, but it wasn't towards her. No, it was towards my deadbeat of a mother. I nodded my head, zoning out the rest of the ride home. The late afternoon sky was almost breathtaking. It was painted with colors of pink, blue, yellow and orange. I smiled softly to myself. Nature was always comforting to me.
I was soon snapped out my thoughts as we arrived in front of Gerard's house.
I made my way up the wooden steps and onto the rather large wooden porch as I waited for Donna to unlock the door. Once inside, Gerard walked upstairs to his room while I made my way through the living room and into the kitchen to help Donna.
"Any idea what you want for dinner?" Donna asked as she rifled through the cabinets. I knew I'd probably be staying for a while, maybe I'd be allowed home before six. It's somewhat pathetic I have to be allowed in my own home just because my mother can't buy a hotel room for an hour so she can screw who ever she's with at the moment. No, I gotta stay the day and possible night at Gerard's. Not like this is a new thing, though. I pretty much claimed the spare bedroom as my own.
"Anything's fine." I answered as I set my coat on the kitchen table.
"Would you mind going to ask Gerard if he wants anything in particular?" Donna asked. I did mind. Quite much actually, but I obliged anyway. I walked up the stairs and down the hallway to the first door on the right, then knocked softly. After a long moment of silence, I realized he wasn't in his bedroom. I sighed, rolling my eyes as I walked to the other side of the hall and knocked on the last door on the left, which was painted black. Behind that black door is Gerard's art studio.
The first door on the left was the bathroom and on the farthest side on the right was Mikey's room. At the end of the hallway was the spare bedroom, which I occasionally use for nights like this when it was a possibility I won't be allowed home. Donna's room was downstairs to the left of the living room.
"Gerard?" I raised my voice so I could be heard over the music he was playing. I recognized the band he was listening to, it was the Sex Pistols. I will give Gerard one thing, he did have good music taste.
"Suck a dick!" He yelled over the music. I bit my tongue as I fought myself not to come back with any remark. I knew it would only end with me getting punched, kicked, slapped or all of the above. God save the queen? More like god save the queer. I'm that queer...
I held my breath as I walked back down stairs. Words can't describe my hate for Gerard. I remember I used to look up to him when I was in middle school because I thought he was just the greatest creation on this Earth. I forgave him for everything he did to me because I thought he was just upset. However, as the years grew on I realized it wasn't just an abusive phase he'd grow out of. I was wrong.
As the slaps to the face and kicks to the shin turned into pinning me up against walls and beating me till I coughed up blood, I realized Gerard wasn't as pure as I thought him to be. As the years grew on my whole being towards Gerard was hate. From his stupid red hair to his dirty, black Converse. I loathed every inch of him.
"What did he say?" Donna asked. I shrugged my shoulders.
"He'll take whatever." I lied. Donna nodded her head.
"Mac 'n' cheese sound okay?" She asked. I nodded my head.
"Imma step outside for a minute." I informed as I patted my pocket that my cigarettes were in. Donna gave me that I'm-going-to-act-disappointed-but-I-really-don't-care look.
"Ok." She sighed, pulling out a pot for the water. Once outside, I sat down on the steps and pulled out my phone as a lit up a cigarette. Why do I even smoke again? I only started to piss off my mom, but over time it has grown into a habit. After taking a long, deep drag, I began reading through my text messages from my mom.
'Hey Frankie, you can come home around seven.'
"Bitch." I muttered to myself as I deleted the message.
After about fifteen minutes, Donna poked her head outside the door.
"Dinner." She called. I went to stub out my third cigarette when Donna stopped me. "Aye, let me see that." She beckoned. I handed her the cigarette and she quickly placed it in between her lips before taking a quick drag. She coughed slightly as she blew the smoke out and coaxed me back inside after throwing the bud into the yard. "You mustn't smoke Frank, it's bad for you." She joked.
"Tell that to him." I whispered, nodding my head towards Gerard, who was poking at his macaroni with his fork. Donna chortled quietly.
"Y'know, I had a lot to eat at lunch today, mind if I eat this later?" Gerard asked, pushing his bowl away. That's a lie. He spends most of the lunch period in the bathroom. Not that I pay attention to him or anything, I'm just stating he's lying.
"Yeah that's fine." Donna sighed. Gerard smiled sadly as he made his way back up to his art studio. I've known Gerard for many years and I've seen a lot of sides to him, but this side of him was always alarming to me. Nothing good came out of this side. It was a bit unsettling, but I decided not to dwell on it.
I'm actually surprised I went all year without my mother telling me I had to stay after school or stay somewhere for a few hours until I was allowed home. What a pathetic relationship we have. I've only had to stay the night at Gerard's house maybe once or twice, but that was years ago. Ever since my father died I never came back to Gerard's house unless it was against my will like today.
"My mom said I could go home at seven." I informed Donna. She nodded her head as she scooped my food into a bowl. I hope she knows I'm fully capable of getting my own food, but she insists. She must miss having little kids.
"Is this enough?" She asked. I nodded as she set it in front of me as she got her own. "You know Frank, you are always welcome to stay the night." Donna offered. I shook my head.
"I'll be fine I was planning on going to the comic store in the morning anyway." I reasoned. Donna smiled.
"Lovely, I think Gerard is going in the morning too." She smiled. I smiled convincingly. Well shit. Scratch that idea. I wish I could tell her that it's not just some random school bully that's been abusing me for years, its her son. Although, knowing Donna, I'm pretty sure she's caught on ny now. Gerard and I have never been the best of friends and we never acted like it either.
"Cool." I nodded, shoveling a forkful of macaroni in my mouth to avoid anymore conversation.
The rest of the night I spent lying on the sectional, lazily flipping through channels on the TV as Donna was off doing something motherly. It was going on six thirty now and I noticed Gerard still hasn't came back down to eat. Did he even eat today? I shrugged going back to watching some sci-fi movie that was playing. He would either eat or starve. Either way, it's not my problem and nor do I care. It's Gerard, why should I care?
Moments later, Donna came out of her bedroom with yet another bucket of clothes. She set it down at her feet as she huffed.
"Who knew laundry could be so tiring." She breathed. I chuckled.
"Of course." She sighed, picking the bucket back up and walking to the laundry room.
Most teenagers on Friday nights go partying or some shit. Me however, I fall asleep on the Ways' couch after eight o'clock. I was soon awoken by loud knocks on the door. Donna answered it as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.
"Frankie!" I heard my mom yell from the door. I groaned as I stood up rushing to the door. "How are you?" She slurred. I rolled my eyes.
"Bye Donna, thank you." I said completely ignoring her.
"Bye, Frank." She smiled sadly as she shut the door.
Chapter 3: I Sometimes Wish I'd Never Been Born At All
Trigger Warning. This chapter contains graphic descriptions of rape and self-harm. Read with caution.
I kept fighting to get away, but I couldn't move. My arms were pinned above my head and I couldn't feel my legs. I felt dizzy and my whole body felt like jello. I couldn't scream due to his large hand covering my mouth, but I tried anyway.
"Ssh Frankie, don't want to wake up daddy, do we?" The older man whispered darkly in my ear. I felt the tears roll down my cheeks as he took off his pants. Why is he doing this? Why isn't anyone coming to help me? "It's okay, I'm going to make you feel real nice." He grinned sickly. He used his other hand to reach down and touch me. I was paralyzed. I prayed this would end, but I had a gut feeling it wouldn't anytime soon.
The man's actions advanced and I couldn't help but scream, but no one could hear me.
"Screaming only makes it worse." He growled in my ear as I felt him press his lower body against mine. My body was paralyzed. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream and it was getting hard to breath.
I screamed out in pain as I felt him thrust into me roughly.
"Shut up, you fucking bitch." He panted as he continued to pound into me. The tears streaming down my face felt as though they were never going to end. Screaming was pointless at this point, but I screamed out of pain mostly. I knew no one was coming.
Why won't dad wake up. I wished and prayed he'd wake up soon and come save me, but he never did. I squeezed my eyes shut and hoped when I opened them again I'd be in my room. However, when I opened them I still saw the man over me. My throat felt raw and sore. I could barely stand the pain I was in.
I wished for death more than anything as the man reached a hand down and began jacking me off. I wanted nothing more than to die. I could no longer scream due to the intense pain in my throat, and I couldn't move a single muscle in my body.
As the minutes started to feel like hours, the man finally finished and pulled out as he pulled his pants back on. I was left there on the couch, unable to move and completely naked.
"Don't tell your dad." He warned as he left, going back to his room down the hall.
I was alone now. I never wanted to live another day of my life after this. Ten years is a long enough life for me. I would rather be dead.
I want to die.
I knew what I had to do. My legs were still wobbly and I could barely keep myself up right. All I had to do was make it to the bathroom. I fell against the door as I closed it. I managed to pull myself back up to my feet as I fumbled around in the cabinets looking for something, anything. I smiled softly to myself as I felt the cool metal of a razor against my fingertips.
I brought the razor down to my thigh where the older man had gripped me and a bruise was starting to form. I pressed the blade into my skin as the blood started to roll down my leg. It wasn't very deep, but it was satisfying. It wasn't enough. I brought the blade from my thigh to my wrist and just as I did to my thigh, I slit my wrist.
It still wasn't enough.
I created more cuts ranging from deep to small until the blood started dripping on my thighs and down my arms. I still wasn't enough. I went to make another cut along my wrist, but I suddenly came to my senses and realized how many cuts I actually made. All the blood scared me and I panicked. I stood up as quickly as I could manage, without falling over and cleaned off the wounds while applying pressure.
That was the first time I tried to kill myself.
And I failed.
That was the first time I cut myself.
Unfortunately, not the last.
I woke in a cold sweat that morning. My pillow was wet with tears and sweat. I rubbed my thighs and arms as I pulled my blanket more over me. I wish I could just forget that night all those years ago. I wish I could just erase it. I wish I didn't feel dirty. Times like these and flashbacks of those times make me often wish I'd never been born at all. If only I had someone to tell me it's all going to be okay in times like these, but I know I never will. I will always be alone.
It was a surprisingly sunny morning. If I remember correctly, the news said it was supposed to rain this weekend. I dismissed the thought as I rolled out of bed making my way down the hall to the kitchen. I walked into the den and noticed my mother passed out on the couch with a half empty beer bottle, dangling from her hand.
I sighed as I tiptoed over to her and tore the bottle out of her hand, placing it on the coffee table. It wasn't even noon yet and she's already passed out. Why am I complaining, that just means less time for me having to deal with her. More peace and quiet.
I made my way into the kitchen and turned on the coffee pot. As I sat at the kitchen counter I debated weather or not I should take a shower. In the end, after I finished my coffee I did fortunately, take a shower. I always tell myself, 'you never know when the next time you'll shower.' So, when I'm not busy, hell even when I am busy, I'll take a shower. Luckily for me, my showers aren't too long. Well, it really depends on how I'm feeling. Which is probably the same for a lot of people.
After I fixed my short, black hair, I dressed myself in a pair of old skinny jeans with holes at the knees and a random black shirt I found on the laundry room floor that smelled relatively okay. I pulled on a grey hoodie over my head as I grabbed my wallet and made my way outside.
It may have been sunny, but it was still chilly. I took a deep breath in through my nose, letting the cold air fill my lungs. I hope Donna was wrong about Gerard going to the comic store. I just really wanted a day without any altercations with him. As I walked down the streets I noticed the growing piles of leaves on the sidewalks. I smiled to myself as I thought of how much fun I had as a kid playing in the leaves.
As I got closer to the comic store I remembered Jamia should be working today. Jamia was the only person I knew outside of school. She was about eighteen years older than me, but she was still rad. When the store got a new shipment in she would sneak me into the back room and let me look through the boxes. Occasionally, her son Miles, would come to work with her if her husband was on a business trip or something. Her son was also cool for a three year old. If I had extra change in my pocket I would take him down the street to McDonald's and buy him ice cream if he was bothering Jamia as she tried to work.
Jamia was the only person I really talked to besides Donna, but I didn't tell Donna everything. Donna is more of a mother to me rather than someone to talk to. Jamia however, I tell her everything. We're like two teenage girls. Except, she's a thirty five year old woman with a family, and I'm a seventeen year old high school student that happens to be gay.
As I approached the front door I didn't think twice to look through the window to see if Gerard was there, but I was too late. The bell chimed, singling I had entered when I caught sight of his messy, red hair in the back of the store. He didn't even look to see who entered or even look up to acknowledge who was there until-
"Frank!" Jamia squealed. I groaned to myself as Gerard looked in my direction as I hurried over to her. "I was wondering when you'd get here, a shipment came in, Miles is back there picking out ones he'd think you'd like." She smiled. I smiled warmly as she lead me to the back of the store, past Gerard and into the back room. I made my best effort in not making eye contact with Gerard and luckily succeeded. He acted as if I wasn't even there as he sipped his coffee flipping through shelves of comics. Good, maybe that means I won't get attacked today.
Once inside the back room Jamia shut the door softly as Miles ran up to me, dropping the comics he was holding and wrapped his arms around my legs. Jamia smiled at Miles as he picked the comics up and shoved them into my legs. I squatted down to his height and grabbed the comics from him.
"Could you keep Miles entertained while I try and stock some of these?" Jamia asked as she untaped one of the boxes.
"Yeah, sure." I said as I picked up Miles and held him on my hip. I managed to open the door with a child on my hip and five comic books in the other hand. Someone give me a parenting award. I walked back to the front of the store and back behind the counter, setting Miles down on one of the blue bean bags. I pulled the stool out from under the counter as I opened up one of the comics he gave to me, and started reading to him.
Jamia was probably going to be in the back room all day. That's where she normally was on shipment days.
"Let's go pick a different one!" Miles shouted as he shot up and ran out onto the main floor and darting through the aisles.
"Just put the comics back where you find them." I called as I trailed behind him. "Wouldn't want mommy getting mad at us." I sighed, knowing I'd have to pick up after him. He started making his way towards the back where Gerard was. Miles not paying any attention, ran right into Gerard's legs. I cringed for Miles, but Gerard was a new person to him, so of course Miles had to say hi.
Gerard looked down at Miles as Miles stared up at Gerard with wide, curious eyes.
"What comics do you have?" He asked. Gerard took a sip of his coffee as he looked down at the stack in his hands. I knew Gerard wasn't barbaric enough to hurt a child, but I still feared for Miles and somewhat for myself. Gerard crouched down and placed the comics in front of them.
"Well, I have a series called 'Watchmen' and Volume Two to 'Doom Patrol'." Gerard explained.
"I like that one, my mommy read it to me." Miles said pointing to 'Watchmen'. Gerard smiled.
"Me too." Gerard smiled at Miles, showing his tiny teeth. Miles daringly, reached out a hand towards Gerard's hair. Oh god..
"Your hair looks funny, I wish my hair looked funny." Miles frowned as he touched Gerard's head. Gerard laughed nervously. In some weird way I was enjoying this. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from gushing over this out loud. This shouldn't be adorable but it is.
"Miles!" I raised my voice, rushing over to him. "Mind your manners." I said sternly as I picked him up. I felt Gerard's eyes on me as he stood back up. His gaze remained on me as I squatted down to pick up Miles and then, resting him on my hip.
"But I like his hair!" Miles exclaimed. I sighed as I walked back to the counter with Miles.
"I know you like his hair, but you must be polite about it." I reasoned with him. He huffed as he sat back down in his bean bag. I pulled out my phone and turned the volume up, so I could hear what he was doing then, opened the YouTube app. "Don't watch anything inappropriate." I warned. He nodded his head as I heard 'Jacksepticeye' come from the speaker. Not ideally appropriate for a three year old, but whatever.
I sighed as I rested the side of my face in the palm of my hand as I flipped open another comic Miles picked out for me. Well, there goes my day of no altercations. Next time, if there is a next time, I'll listen to Donna.
Just then, I was pulled out of my reading as someone placed their stack of comics in front of me to ring up. I put my comic away as I looked up and made eye contact with Gerard. Of course. I immediately looked away as I continued to ring up his comics.
"Good with kids?" He asked, breaking the silence. I nodded as I pulled out a bag out from under the counter.
"It's easier for me to help Jamia, rather than some random baby sitter." I explained as I bagged his comics. He hummed in response as I handed him the bag.
"What's his name?" Gerard asked. I hated this. I hated when Gerard tried to act civilized and act as if he wasn't an abusive person. Doesn't he not see the bruises he's made on my face? He's half the reason I wear multiple layers, even in the heat if the summer. To hide the ugly marks he's left on me.
"Miles." I answer.
"Well, bye Miles." Gerard waved and smiled to him.
"Bye-" Miles stopped himself as confusion grew on his face. He didn't know Gerard's name and honestly, I didn't want Miles to know his name anyway, but I gave in just for Miles.
"Gerard." I told him absentmindedly as I began flipping through the comic again, not bothering to look at either of them. Miles smiled.
"Bye Gerard!" He called as Gerard pulled open the door as the overhead bell chimed.
As the day grew on the sky became darker as storm clouds began to roll in. It was going on two o'clock when Jamia finally came back out of the back room with her long, black hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her usual pale skin was flushed red as she wiped sweat from her forehead.
"It's hot back there, smoke break?" She panted. I nodded my head as I grabbed her cigarettes and lighter from her coat pocket. Miles was still zoned out with my phone now watching some band that sounded like Black Sabbath perform. The air felt a lot more humid as we stepped outside. Jamia didn't seem to mind as she lit up and passed me her lighter.
"It's gonna rain." She stated as she exhaled the smoke. I laughed.
"You think?" I asked sarcastically. She nodded her head out towards the sidewalk, raising her eyebrows. "Well, I'll be damned." I laughed, blowing the smoke into the slight, sprinkling rain.
"Thank god for the canopy." She remarked. I nodded. "Need a ride home?" She asked. I shook my head.
"No, I need a bath anyway." I chuckled. Jamia looked at me with concern as she leaned in closer to me and sniffed my shoulder and up my neck.
"You smell fine to me." Jamia shrugged.
"That was a little weird." She rolled her eyes.
"I'm a mother Frank, I've dealt with smells you can't even comprehend. You in fact," She paused stepping in closer again, getting another good wiff. "Smell like Old Spice?" She questioned.
Monday morning and it was still raining, but not just raining, fucking downpouring. Great, considering I have to walk to school this was just marvelous. I woke up earlier than I usually do, hoping the rain would slow down a bit and give me time to race to school with being drenched. Unfortunately, for me that did not happen.
It was roughly six thirty in the morning as I sat at the kitchen counter sipping my coffee. If Jamia wasn't busy I'd ask her for a ride, but she's always busy. From driving Miles to daycare, running a comic store, hell just being a mom in general. She's a busy person and I admire how thoughtful and caring she is. She is incredibly talented and successful, I often wonder how she does it all. She can do almost anything. I say almost because I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I can out grocery scan the living shit out of her any day.
I sighed as I looked out the window. Will it ever stop fucking raining? I sipped my coffee as I thought of the possible outcomes of the day, but what I really should be thinking about is if I'll have enough time to dry my clothes under the hand dryer in the bathroom.
I jumped slightly as my phone vibrated in front of me. I picked it up reading the notification, then groaned loudly.
we're outside get your ass out here it's raining
Well, no shit Sherlock. Although, I was pissed about having to ride to school with Gerard, I was thankful not having to walk in the rain. Again, Gerard was polite in some weird way. With that, I pulled my hood up and raced outside.
"Good morning, Frank!" Donna beamed as I got in the backseat with Mikey. I smiled awkwardly as Mikey tapped me on the shoulder.
"Did you bring it." Mikey whispered. I nodded my head as I pulled out the half deck of 'Magic' cards from my pocket then, handing them over to Mikey. I watched Gerard closely, making sure he didn't see what we were doing. Mikey texted me Saturday night asking if I had any extra cards and if he could have them, but he told me to make sure Gerard didn't see. I'm guessing he was afraid that Gerard would make fun of him for having them. I swear to the nonexistent god if Gerard has ever laid a finger on Mikey I'll fucking fight. He's too precious for this world.
I sometimes feel bad for Mikey. He's just a quiet dude that unfortunately has to live with a major dick bag. Mikey doesn't really stand up for himself much and that kind of bugs me. He never really uses his own voice, he's always being controlled by others. He's just so quiet and innocent. I feel bad for him.
"Thank you." He whispered as he shoved them into his bag quickly.
We arrived on school property about ten minutes before the bell was set to ring. Mikey and I hurriedly, speed walked to the front doors while Gerard lagged behind a bit. I stopped in the airlock room to ring out some of the water off my jacket before I had to throw it into my locker.
I walked in front of Mikey and Gerard as we all made our way to our lockers. The squeaking of everyone's shoes on the wet floors was getting very annoying and of course Gerard had to wear the most squeaky shoes as he trailed behind me. Suddenly, I fell forward as I felt someone kick the back of my knee.
"Gerard." I heard Mikey scold. Gerard chuckled as he walked past me.
"Slippery?" He laughed as I pushed myself off the ground.
"Asshole." I muttered under my breath. Gerard stopped walking and turned back to me slowly. He crouched down to where I was on the ground and grabbed me by the shirt collar.
"Excuse me?" He asked darkly. I knew I was an idiot for even speaking in the first place, but if I was going to get the shit beat out of me it better be worth it.
He grabbed me by the face and made me look up at him. I smiled as he held my face tightly. With that he shoved me into the lockers. I fell to the floor as Gerard loomed over me.
"You never fucking learn, do you?" He growled, kicking me hard in the gut. I coughed in pain as I brought my hands down to shield my stomach as he kicked me repeatedly.
"No, t-teach me another lesson." I groaned sarcastically. He brought his foot back and kicked me hard in the face. I groaned as I felt blood begin to trickle down my face and onto the floor. Kids were now starting to gather around. Mikey tried shooing them away, but Mikey isn't the most aggressive person. Suddenly, Gerard pulled me up and pinned me against the lockers. I smiled as blood trickled down my face and some blood out of my mouth. I probably looked disgusting, but it probably looked rad if this was a scene for a movie or some shit.
Mikey looked away as if it physically pained him to watch. What could he do? Fight Gerard? That's funny. Mikey has never been one to intervene or stand up for others. I don't blame him though. I'd rather get hurt then have Mikey get hurt.
"Have I been a good boy, daddy?" I smirked, provoking Gerard more. I watched his eyes widened with rage.
Just then, the bell rang and the remaining kids in the hall scrambled to their first class. Gerard shoved me harder into the lockers before finally releasing me. He turned on his heel as he wiped his mouth in anger. Mikey lifted me up and handed me a napkin.
"Found this in my bag, came in handy." He whispered. I nodded as I held my head back. This wasn't as bad, compared to what I'm used to, but it still hurt like a bitch. "I'll tell your homeroom teacher you're at the nurse." Mikey said as I walked in the direction towards the nurse's office.
I guess you could say I was saved by the bell.
"It's only Monday, what happened now?" The nurse, Mr. DeLonge, asked as he snapped on his gloves. I shrugged my shoulders.
"Don't ask someone 'what are those' on a Monday morning." I remarked.
"You are so stupid when it comes to some things." He laughed as he pinched the bridge of my nose.
"Hey! I have a 'B' in Mr. Ross." I defended.
"Really? A 'B'? His class is a piece of cake." He stated.
"Yeah well, I'm not an English major." I shot back. He huffed as he removed the tissue before taking his gloves off.
"Alright, that should stop the bleeding, now get to class and please keep your mouth shut and don't get beat up." He begged. I laughed.
I missed half of my first bell, which sucks because it's the only class I don't have with Gerard, besides my seventh bell. I decided just to camp out in the bathroom until the bell rang for next bell. What's the point of going into Mr. Ross's class late? That's the definition of embarrassment.
Finally, the bell rang and I emerged from the bathroom stall and gathered my things for my next class, which was unfortunately math.
I sat at the empty lunch table as I wrote down random things onto the piece of paper in front of me. None of it really matter, most of it was reiterations of things I've already wrote.
221, 35, 26.
It's just the hardest part of living.
If you marry me? Would you bury me?
To The End.
Life Was Perfect...
"Frank!" I hear someone yell from across the lunchroom. I snapped my head up, startled slightly. I looked in the direction of the voice to find Pete waving me over frantically. I sighed as I folded the paper and stuffed it into my pocket. I walked across the lunchroom over to them and took a seat next to Mikey, since he was furthest away from Gerard.
"Dude, you should have been there it was fuckin' amazing!" Pete laughed. Mikey beamed brightly as Gerard rolled his eyes.
"What did I miss?" I asked, confused.
"There was a sub in art class and Mikey and Gerard were playing 'Magic' and Gerard was acting all arrogant, because he was winning and Mikey fucking Way outta no where, wins it." Pete marvels as he grabs Mikey by the face and smushes a kiss on his cheek. I smiled warmly at them. Mikey blushed immensely.
"Don't give me all the credit, Frank gave me some rare cards." Mikey admitted. Gerard almost spit his water out.
"You have him those cards?" He asked with wide eyes. I nodded my head.
"Holy shit." He breathed, taking another sip of his water.
I laughed to myself. Don't mess with the Italian card master, bitch.
Chapter 4: Waste Me
Trigger warning. Mentions of rape and drug use.
There is some Spanish in here. Since I'm new to this site I'm not sure how to translate it in the comments like on Wattpad. Now would be a great time to use google translate.
"Dad?" I asked. He shushed me as he pulled me out of my bed. I wasn't sure what was going on I didn't even know what time it was, but something was definitely wrong when I heard my mother scream in the other room. My dad gripped me tight as he opened the front door.
"You can't take him away from me!" She yelled. I didn't know what was going on, but I was scared for my mom. Was she alright? Was dad alright? Was I going to be alright?
"What's going on?" I asked once we were in the car. I glanced down at the clock on the dashboard that read three in the morning.
"Mom isn't herself right now and me and you buddy, are going to have a sleepover at a friends house, that sound fun?" He asked trying to lighten up the mood as he drove down the deserted street . I could tell he was trying to avoid what was going on. He was obviously distressed and I didn't want to push him, so I went with it.
Finally, we pulled into the driveway of a house I've never seen before, but then again I haven't seen much of the state of New Jersey, considering we just moved here last year. Dad rang the doorbell as we waited on the porch. After a few minutes someone finally answered.
"Thank you for letting us over." Dad thanked as we entered.
"Not a problem." The man smiled down at me. My stomach churned uneasily. I followed my dad over to the couch where he was spreading a blanket over the couch.
"There's not enough room in the spare bedroom, and it's warmer out here than it is in there." He told me as I laid down on the couch and pulled the blanket under my chin. "I'll sleep out here with you if you want me to?" He suggested as he tucked me in. I shook my head.
"I'll be fine." I confirmed. He smiled as he kissed my forehead.
"Get some sleep." He smiled.
"Love you." I called out.
"Love you too." He called back.
I laid on the couch trying to fall asleep, but not having any luck. My eyelids felt heavy, but mind just couldn't shut off. I laid awake wondering if mom was okay, I stressed about what I was going to wear to school tomorrow, considering I have no clothes except the ones I have on. Hopefully, whatever my mom was going through she'd be okay in the end. I would hate for her to be sad or get hurt.
Suddenly, my thoughts and worries ceased when I heard the agonizing creak of a door opening from down the hall. My heart stopped as I heard heavy footsteps coming down the hall. I quickly shut my eyes and pretended to be sleeping. I knew the footsteps didn't belong to my dad.
I soon realized that the tall man had returned as I felt the sofa shift from under his weight. I started panicking more than before. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest at any moment.
"I heard your name is Frankie," he whispered leaning in closer. I tried wiggling away, but he stopped me as he grabbed me in places he shouldn't have. I went to scream, but he quickly cupped my mouth. I started kicking violently, but my attempts failed under his grasp. I felt tears spill down my cheeks as he started pulling down my pants. "Don't tell your dad or you'll be sorry."
I didn't. I never told my dad. He never knew what that man did to me. I kept yelling 'no' over and over again, but he kept his hand tight over my mouth as he proceeded.
"Frank!" I jumped awake at the voice. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and realized what my surroundings were. I was laying on the bathroom floor as Mikey crouched down beside me. I instinctively pulled my arm away from him.
"What the fuck?" I mumble.
"You're asking me, what happened?" He asked. I shook my head. I knew exactly what happened, but I didn't necessarily feel like explaining to Mikey that I bought some pills off some senior, took them during gym class, and ended up reliving the time I got raped.
"I dunno musta got really tired." I muttered.
"Shit, you're lucky I found you and not some douche or even worse, a teacher." Mikey reasoned as I stumbled to my feet.
"What time is it?" I asked rubbing my eyes.
"quarter after three, are you okay?" Mikey asked concerned. I shook my head.
"Yeah I'm fine." Mikey gave me a sideways glance.
"Because you left during lunch and you haven't been to class since, Gerard was looking for you after school but none of us could find you." Mikey stated. I turned on the sink and splashed some water on my face before walking out.
"Sorry to disappoint." I muttered. Mikey sighed.
"I'd be careful," he called out. I turned back to him with a questionable glance. "Bert got out of juvie." Mikey warned. You gotta be fucking kidding me. I tensed at the mention of his name. Him and Gerard are like a crime-fighting duo, except they don't fight crime they fight me.
"Thanks." I stated. "But I'll be okay." I smiled. Mikey sighed disappointedly as he followed me out.
"Daddy's home, fag!" Bert yelled. Shit. I didn't even make it off the parking lot when I saw Bert and Gerard behind me. Shit shit shit. I did the only thing I really knew how to do and that was run. "Oh no you don't!" He shouted as they chased after behind me.
Where the fuck was I running to? Home? Ha, that would be a nightmare. They'd follow me, and no way was I running all the way to my house as they chased me. I get out of breath just walking home. Running is a different story. I should really stop smoking. I ran to the safest place I knew. Comic store.
My lungs were already burning and my chest felt tight, but it was either run or get the shit kicked out of me. I looked back to see them both running after me. Jesus Christ, did they take some sort of energy enhancing drug to make them run like this? I knew Gerard didn't run for shit and it showed, because his face was about as red as his hair. Bert was like a big-foot dinosaur, I'm surprised he was keeping up.
Luckily, I came up to the comic store and slammed the door shut behind me. Bert went to open the door, but I stopped him as I locked it. I glanced at Gerard as he rested his hands on his hips and breathed heavily. I couldn't help but notice the animalistic look in his eyes. Before they tried breaking in I ran behind the counter to Jamia, who was giving me a worried but confused look.
"Frank?" She asked. I breathed loudly as I wiped the sweat from my face.
"Hey!" I exclaimed happily as if I wasn't just running away from Elmo and Barney.
"You okay?" She asked worriedly. I laughed.
"Never better." I breathed heavily as I turned back to see Bert and Gerard still standing at the curb.
"I was just about to leave to go pick up Miles from daycare and get some-"
"Great, I'll come with you and help ya out!" I cheered. She glared at me.
"Frank, who is that boy out there with Gerard?" She asked. I laughed nervously.
"Oh y'know, a friend of mine."
"Frank." She warned. I sighed.
"Gerard's friend from juvie." I admitted. I sometimes hated that I told her everything. I told her everything about Gerard terrorizing me. I've practically told Jamia every detail about Gerard. Now that I think about it, most of our conversations revolve around Gerard. I mentioned Bert once or twice, though. Jamia practically knew everything about me. She knew Gerard the best considering she's met him countless times. You could consider Jamia a walking, talking Frank Iero encyclopedia.
"Did you piss them off or something?" She questioned. I shook my head.
"I'm Frank, my existence pisses them off." I reasoned.
"Alright, come on we gotta get Miles and I gotta pick up some groceries." She sighed as she grabbed her navy blue coat and pulled it on. She walked to the door, but before she could open it I linked my arm around hers.
"Frank, what the fuck?" She groaned irritatedly.
"I'm not taking any chances." I said defiantly. She rolled her eyes opening the door.
"Come on you pussy." She laughed as Bert and Gerard turned around to us. They both glared at me as I clutched onto Jamia. I released her arm as I got into the passenger seat. Soon, Jamia was in the driver's seat and starting the engine.
Bert and Gerard glared at me as Jamia stated pulling out. I flipped them off as we drove away.
"Nos vemos mañana, perras!" I shouted. Jamia looked at me sideways.
"Since when do you speak Spanish?" She asked.
"Since I was forced to take it."
"Go entertain him in the toy aisle." She said as she glanced over her list. I carried Miles across the store to the kids department as Jamia went off and did some motherly stuff.
"I want to play with that!" He shouted at the toy cars. I looked around before I grabbing them off the self.
"Don't tell your mommy, okay?" I whispered as took them out of the package and gave them to him. He nodded as he slid them up and down the aisle.
I loved Miles don't get me wrong, but kids are sneaky little shits.
I turn my back for one damn second.
"Miles!" I called. Oh shit this isn't good. I started panicking. Where the fuck did he go? "Miles!" I called again.
I started running down the aisles. Oh no, oh no.
As I rounded the corner I came face to face with him.
"Looking for someone?" He asked. I was too scared about Miles to be pissed with him right now. Gerard shifted Miles on his hip as Miles grabbed strands of his hair.
"Miles!" I said sternly taking him away from Gerard.
"Look who I found!" He beamed. Gerard stood there with his arms crossed and a smug smile on his face.
"What, you have nothing else better to do so you follow me around?" I spat at Gerard. He shrugged his shoulders.
"You happened to be at the store same time as me." He stated.
"What a fu-" I stopped myself from cursing as I adjusted Miles on my hip. "What a coincidence." I smiled sarcastically. Gerard smirked at me.
"Yes it is." He licked his lips. Words can't describe my hate for him. I fucking loathe him.
"Frank, everything alright?" I heard a voice ask from behind me. Gerard still kept his gaze on me as I turned around to see Jamia. I smiled through my rage.
"Just peachy." I said through gritted teeth as I glanced back at Gerard who was still grinning at me.
"Well, come on let's go." She said, nodding towards the checkout.
"Yeah, Frank go home with your girlfriend." I stopped dead in my tracks.
"She is not my girlfriend, she is my best friend that happens to be a thirty-five year old woman that has a husband and kid, dipshit." I spat. I felt bad for cursing in front of Miles, but I hated the word girlfriend or boyfriend. I would never want either of them. It was stupid to give your heart to someone who could easily break it.
Relationships are stupid. They always end in heartbreak. Some sooner than others. Everyone ends up the same way they started. Alone. So why waste my time?
"Okay." He shrugged, smiling still. I turned to walk away, but stopped again as he heard him speak. Why do I even bother listening to him?
"Hasta mañana mi atractivo italiano." He called. I squinted my eyes at him. I didn't know what he said, but I could connect the dots.
"Sé un buen niño para papi, mi dulce." He smirked. I shook my head. I had no idea what he was saying, so why bother. Only paid attention to the basics portion of Spanish class, not whatever the fuck that was.
I ignored him as I walked away to find Jamia in the checkout line.
"I mean it's just my opinion, but I think he likes you." Jamia reasoned.
"Mia, whatever drugs you're on I want in." I laughed.
"I mean come on Frank, not even you are that blind." She stated. "He follows you around and what did you say he called you?" She asked turning down my road.
"Something along the lines of 'mi atractivo italiano' and 'mi dulce'." I stated. She smirked at me.
"I'm no Spanish speaker, but I know enough to know that is flirtation right there." She grinned.
"He's just being a sick fuck like he always is, and besides don't you have better things to worry about other than my nonexistent love life?" I asked. She nodded.
"I do, but it will be years before Miles is allowed to have a girlfriend or boyfriend." She stated. "And your mom is a piece of shit and doesn't realize how awesome it is to have a gay son." She reasoned.
"Can you adopt me?" I laughed.
"I'm pretty sure Dave doesn't want you sleeping in our bed again." She laughed.
"I wouldn't sleep on your bed!" I shot back.
"Well, he still remembers that night you stayed at our house when you were drunk and crawled in bed with us." I cringed at the memory.
"I was drunk." I defended. She laughed.
"I would adopt you if I could." She sighed pulling up in front of my house. "But keep me informed on your love life!" She called.
"Very funny." I scowl as I shut the door. I sighed as I watched her drive away.
I made my way up the stairs and inside.
Luckily for me, my mom wasn't home. That meant actual peace and quiet for once. I smiled as I flopped down on my bed face first and sighed contentedly.
My peace and quiet was soon interrupted as my phone dinged.
Did you run into any trouble after school? Sorry for bothering you just concerned.
I didn't necessarily want to tell Mikey 'yeah, your brother and the long hair idiot chased me after school and Gerard followed me to the grocery store and started speaking Spanish.' So, I just replied with a simple no.
After that he didn't text me back, but my phone dinged again. I groaned loudly.
¿Como esta mi dulce bebe?
'Fuck off' I typed back. When exactly did I give him my number? Probably sometime in eighth grade. I was stupid then.
Fortunately, he did leave me alone, but my peace and quiet was already ruined.
I should pay attention more in Spanish class..
Chapter 5: Trying To Escape The Inevitable
Trigger warning. Mentions of suicide and drug overdose.
That morning I woke up to a phone call I thought I'd never get. A phone call I never wanted. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. It felt like I couldn't get my clothes on fast enough.
Outside, Gerard's mom waited for me in the car. I quickly raced outside and into the passenger seat, before we drove off. The only thing that was going through my mind was if he was okay? I couldn't get Gerard's haunting voice out of my head.
"H-he's not g-going to make it Frank, I-I don't know what to do. "
"H-have you heard anything?" I asked shakily. Donna shook her head as she kept her eyes focused on the road. Everything that has happened between Gerard and I had to be set aside for now. No matter how I feel towards Gerard, it has to be set aside for now. Right now, everything Gerard has ever done to me doesn't matter. I need to be there for Gerard, even if it kills me.
We arrived in front of the hospital at six. The sun was starting to peak over the horizon. I felt my stomach churn as I thought about how this could be the last sun rise he's alive for. I dismissed the thought as I followed Donna. Inside, Donna checked us both in. I sat next to Donna in the waiting room, nothing but silence between us.
"Can I go see him?" I asked. Donna nodded her head as she wiped a few stray tears. It wasn't like her to be so silent, but given the situation I completely understood.
I walked up to the front desk, not sure of what to do.
"Can I help you?" The man behind the desk asked.
"Uh, I'm here to see someone, Mikey Way?" I asked. The man typed on his computer, then handed me a clip board.
"Sign that please, he's down the hall to the right, room 221." He informed. I nodded as I walked down the hall, following the numbers.
Nothing felt real. My head was clouded and my limbs were numb. I refused to believe this was really happening. This was all just a bad dream and I would soon wake up to my alarm or Gerard texting me, telling me he was waiting outside.
But I wasn't dreaming.
I stopped in front of the door and knocked softly. I waited for someone to reply, but after no response I let myself in. The first thing I noticed was Gerard on his knees, hunched over Mikey's bed with his head resting on the mattress as he held Mikey's hand.
"Gerard?" I asked softly. He turned his head back slowly. His face was red and blotchy from crying and his eyes were red and puffy. He turned away from me quickly, almost as if he was ashamed of being seen crying.
"I didn't expect you to come." He muttered as he wiped his eyes.
"Of course I'd come." I flashed a sad smile as I walked over to him. Suddenly, Gerard burst out into a fit of loud sobbing. I instantly crouched down next to him and placed a gentle hand on his back as he cried.
It's funny, the person I hate most, I'm willing to drop everything for. The person that causes me so much emotional and physical pain, I'm willing to give up everything for. The person that has taken all the love I had left, I'm willing to give them all the love in the world. Funny, right?
"H-he didn't wake up to his alarm, so I went to go wake him up and- and-" He broke off into more sobs. "I should have been there, this is all my fault." Gerard cried.
"Ssh, no it's not, no one saw this coming, it's not your fault, Gerard." I soothed as I rubbed his back. Gerard unexpectedly threw himself into my arms. Shocked, I gently wrapped my arms around him as he practically screamed into my chest. It almost physically hurt listening to him cry.
Never in my life have I ever seen Gerard like this. Ever. You'd think after all these years of torment, I'd be happy to see Gerard in pain. Wrong. They say karma comes for those who deserve it. Gerard deserves it more than anyone, but not like this. This one thing he simply did not deserve.
"He's the only thing I have, h-he can't leave me!" He sobbed as he curled his fists into my shirt, clinging on to me for dear life. I hugged Gerard tighter in attempts to comfort him, but how do you comfort someone when their brother is dying right behind you from his own hand?
I didn't know how long we sat there. Gerard practically cried himself to sleep in my arms. My butt was growing painful numb on the tile flooring, but I didn't dare move. I didn't want to disturb him. Gerard sat in my lap with his knees curled into himself and his head rested on my chest. His hands still clutching my shirt. Ever so often, he would pull my shirt closer to him. He was basically a curled up ball in my lap.
I reached a hand down and brushed a few strands of his red hair out of his face. His perfectly shaped eyebrows were pulled together slightly as he slept. I wish I could say he looked peaceful while he slept, but in this moment he didn't. Black circles were formed under his eyes, along with very noticeable bags. Gerard hasn't been getting much sleep and it was extremely obvious.
There was a soft knock on the door before a woman with short, black hair pulled into pigtails peaked her head in.
"Is this a bad time?" She whispered. I shook my head and placed a finger over my lips, hinting for her to be quite. She tiptoed in and checked a few things on Mikey's monitor, then sat down next to me as she flipped through her notes.
She rubbed her red lips together as she glanced over them carefully. Her eyes were out lined with black eyeliner making her brown eyes pop. Somewhat similar to Jamia.
"I'm Lindsey, Mikey's nurse." She introduced herself.
"Frank." I whispered. She smiled at Gerard in my lap, then back up at me. Oh no.
"It's really nice of you to be here for him, he's been a wreck all morning." Lindsey stated.
"Yeah." I nodded, glancing down at him. Looking at him filled me with a weird sense of warmth. He was just so damn beautiful. Too bad his eyelids were covering his olive-green eyes.
"How long have you two been together?" Lindsey asked. I raised an eyebrow and laughed nervously.
"We're not-" I started. Lindsey gasped.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked that." Lindsey blushed immensely. I like her already. I'm not sure why, but she just seems like a rad person.
"It's fine." I say reassuringly. She nodded as she flipped to another page in her notes, then back down at Gerard.
"Do I need to wake him?" I asked. She shook her head.
"No, I haven't seen him get any sleep since he arrived last night, just tell him when he wakes up would you?" She asked. I nodded my head. Last night? Gerard said they came in this morning. Gerard wasn't telling me the whole story. It hurt that he couldn't trust me. Besides Mikey and his mother, I'm the most trustable person he knows. I bet Bert doesn't know half the stuff I know about Gerard. So, suck it Barney.
"Ok." I said, swallowing hard. Lindsey took a deep breath before she spoke.
"He's gotten worse since he arrived, we pumped his stomach, but most of the drugs made it into his system." Lindsey said sadly. No, she's wrong. Mikey wouldn't do this. Mikey had Pete, he had me, and as bad as it may sound, he had Gerard. I knew Gerard cared for Mikey, but did Mikey know that? I saw how much Gerard cared for him.
Lindsey's face fell as she continued.
"There's- there's a twenty-five percent chance he could wake up." Lindsey stammered. My jaw dropped. She's wrong. She's lying. She doesn't know what she's talking about. "It would take a real miracle for him to wake up." Lindsey stated sadly.
"No." I shook my head.
"Sir you have to be-" I cut her off.
"No." I reiterated. "He's gonna wake up." She sighed sadly as she stood up.
"I understand your grief, but you can't run from the inevitable." She reasoned. I shook my head.
"I'm not." I stated firmly. Lindsey sighed again and shook her head as she walked out of the room.
"I'll leave you guys alone." She said sadly.
What was she trying to imply? Mikey's going to die? No, he's going to wake up. I know it. He can't die. He can't leave us.
I glanced back down at Gerard as he started stirring slightly. I brushed another piece of hair out of his face as his eyes fluttered open, revealing his hazel eyes.
"Frank?" He mumbled sleepily as his eyebrows knitted together.
"Yeah?" I asked, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. Why am I doing while he's awake?
"Where are we?" He questioned as he rubbed his eyes. He tried sitting up, but only got to his knees before he quickly realized his surroundings again. His face dropped. My heart sank.
"No." He breathed out shakily.
"Gerard." I stated as I reached out a hand, trying to get him to look at me and not his dying brother. His hands dropped from my shirt and rested on his thighs, which were on either side of my hips.
"No." He said again as the tears reformed in his eyes. "No, no, no." He cried, crashing back down into my chest. I clutched him tightly as he straddled my waist and started crying again.
"Ssh, I'm here." I soothed. I couldn't say 'it's okay' because I had no idea if it was okay.
"This isn't real," He sobbed into my chest, dampening my shirt. "I'm just having a nightmare, this real, this isn't real." He cried. His body started trembling. It was scaring me and I couldn't think of anything to do. He started choking and coughing and the shaking was only getting worse. In fear, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into my chest to the point he was breathing down my neck.
"Gerard, you need to calm down." I said rubbing my hand up and down his back trying to sooth him. He started hyperventilating. This was scaring the fuck out of me, if he didn't calm down he could have a heart attack or something serious. "Gerard, it's okay calm down." I whispered, rocking back and forth in attempts to calm him.
"It's a dream Frank, I'll wake up soon." He gasped.
"Gee, you gotta calm down, come on look at me." I said, pulling him away from my body a bit. His eyes met mine and it almost made me sick to look at him like this.
"I-I can't." He stammered.
"Come on, deep breath in, deep breath out." I instructed. He nodded his head and focused on his breathing. I didn't know a lot about Gerard's medication stuff, but I did know he took something for anxiety, and by the looks of it I don't think he took it this morning.
He started slowly calming down, but who knew if he was going to burst out like this again. Maybe Donna had some of his medicine on her?
"Hey, wanna take a walk?" I asked, trying to take his mind off of everything. He nodded his head as he stumbled to his feet. We walked to the door, but he could hardly walk without tripping or stumbling. Once I shut the door, I placed my arm around his shoulders and lead him to the cafeteria.
"You don't need to h-help me walk." He muttered. I laughed. I bet he hated this. I bet he hated me taking care of him and seeing him so vulnerable. I for one, loved it. I found it nice taking care of Gerard. Of course I hated the circumstance we were in, but in some weird way, I enjoyed having Gerard fall asleep in my arms and helping him with things such as walking.
Gerard is lucky. I had every right not to come here today. I had every right to laugh in his face at his agony, but I didn't. Instead, I held him as he slept in my arms and told him everything was going to be okay as he cried. He's lucky.
"Sure about that?"
"No." He breathed as we walked down the halls.
I lead him to an empty table, close to the back of the cafeteria, away from the small group of people. I didn't want to talk about what Lindsey said to me just yet, I was still trying to process it myself. Gerard was too much of a wreck to hear it right now. I didn't want to be the one to tell him, but I didn't want him to hear it alone.
"I'm gonna go find Donna, will you be alright here for a minute?" I asked. He nodded his head and rubbed his eyes as he glanced at the little menu card.
I knew Gerard didn't like sitting by himself, so I knew he was probably going through hell right now, but if I could find Donna maybe she could give me some of his medicine if she had some. I also knew Gerard hated people knowing he took medicine, so now I have to come up with some bullshit lie.
As I walked into the waiting room I spotted Donna outside, smoking.
"Donna!" I called. She turned around slowly as she grabbed another cigarette from her purse.
"Is everything okay? What's wrong?" She asked hurriedly.
"The doctors haven't told us anything yet," I lied. "But Gerard's anxiety is acting up and I was wondering if you had any medicine with you?" I asked. She nodded her head as she rummaged through her purse.
"I knew it was a good idea to keep some in here." She mumbled, pulling out a small ziplock bag with two pills inside. "Here," she said handing me a twenty dollar bill. "In case you guys get hungry." She stated.
"Thank you." I said pocketing both items. "You don't want to come in?" I asked. She shook her head.
"I don't like hospitals." I nodded and smiled sympathetically. I understood why. After watching your husband and the father of your children die of cancer inside one, you wouldn't want to go back in and watch your son die in one too.
"I'll keep you updated."
"Thank you, Frank."
Once back inside I power walked back to Gerard. He was looking around the room nervously and drumming his fingers on the table. I sat in the chair across from him, which startled him at first, but he then relaxed, realizing it was me.
"Hospital food not only looks disgusting, but smells disgusting too." He cringed. I laughed nervously. How was I supposed to give him his medicine without him freaking out?
"So uh, your mom gave me these," I started as I pulled out the ziplock bag, "to uh, give to you." I said, handing him the bag. He looked at them distastefully.
"Thanks." He grumbled, grabbing them from me and walking over to the water fountain. I watched him just to make sure he took them. Not that I didn't trust him, well I don't, but just to make sure. He came back shortly after, and I acted as if I wasn't watching him like an overprotective mother.
"So, uh, do you want anything to eat?" I offered.
"I'm sorry." He said out of nowhere, completely ignoring my question. Never in my life time have I heard those two words come from Gerard's mouth. I was shocked to say the least.
"I treat you like shit every damn day, and Mikey would always tell me one day it's gonna come back and bite me in the ass. Well, looks like it has and I'm sorry." He rambled. Well, he was right, it did bite him in the ass, but I didn't want to be a dick about it, considering his brother was practically dying down the hall.
"It's fine don't-"
"No, it's not fine," he cut me off. "You could've been at school right now, but instead you came here and stayed with me and helped me after all the shit I've put you through." He continued. I know. Weird, right? Like I said before, he's lucky.
"I bet Bert wouldn't have." I smiled triumphantly. He glared at me. Okay, too far, Frank. "Well, you were there for me when I was a kid." I reasoned, changing the subject.
"Yeah, and even then I abused you and after that it only got worse, and dammit I'm sorry." He snapped.
"Gerard, it's fine it's in the past." I smiled sadly as I thought of the awful things from my past. I still didn't forgive Gerard. It was going to take a lot more than 'I'm sorry' to make up for all those years of abuse, but it was a good place to start. Although, it could be worse. I could be living with Gerard.
"Well, what if I don't change? What if I keep doing the things I do? I can't lose Mikey, I need to change, but what if I don't?" He started rambling again. If it takes your brother dying to finally realize that you're a shitty person then yeah, maybe you can't change. Of course I wasn't going to admit this vocally.
"Everyone can change."
"What if I only get worse?" He asked.
"Then I'll help you change." I answered.
"What are you gonna do? Fix me?" He laughed.
"If that's what it takes." I said simply. He squinted his eyes at me.
"So, what you're saying is, you're going to put all the shit in the past and help me, even after all the crap I put you through?" He emphasized. Well, when you put it like that, it makes me sound like an idiot, but yes. That was the plan. Why hold a grudge over someone when you have the option to make it better?
"I thought I was pretty clear?" I tilted my head.
Gerard rested back in his chair with a half grin on his face. He seemed as though he was shocked by my response. I was too.
"Well, you can start by buying me food that's not hospital food, what time is it anyway?" He asked as we stood up and walked out of the cafeteria.
Chapter 6: I Won't Sleep Tonight As Long As I Still Hear The Drums Of The City Rain
A few days have passed. Mikey was still in the hospital. He hasn't gotten better, but he hasn't gotten worse. Gerard still wasn't taking any of this well. Some days, he would be doing fine, then the next day breaking down crying. Although, most days he stays home. I couldn't seem to focus on any of my school work. My mind was racing with the same questions every day. How was Gerard was doing? What is Gerard doing right now? How are Mikey's conditions? Is Mikey getting better or worse? Is Mikey even alive?
I shook my head as I pulled out one of my comics from my backpack. I couldn't even focus on reading. I would read what's on the page, but it didn't stick in my mind. I didn't even know what I was doing here at school this early. I was currently sitting on the bench outside, thirty minutes before they even started letting kids in. I sighed as I leaned my head back shutting the comic. What day is it, anyway? I know Gerard and I are going to the hospital after school, but I don't expect Gerard to show up at school today.
"Yo look, it's Frankie!" I hear a familiar voice shout. I open my eyes and see coming down the sidewalk, is none other than, Bert McCracken. Of course, just my fucking luck. I don't have as much history with Bert as I do Gerard. With Gerard, he was the first person I met when I moved here. I met Bert in my first year in high school. Unfortunately, that was the first time Gerard met Bert too.
"What do you want?" I groan. He smirks as he grabs me by the collar and lifts me off the bench.
"Just wanted to see how my little Frankie was doing." He sneered. I cringed at his words. He reminded me all too much of that man from that night. I hated it. I have to give Gerard credit, yes I hated him, but not as much as Barney, the greasy dinosaur here.
"Don't call me that, and I am not yours." I spat. Bert's eyes filled with rage.
"Don't get smart with me." He warned.
"Put me the fuck down." I squirmed as he raised his fist.
"Gerard's been slacking off on teaching you some lessons, I think he likes you." Bert grins as he shoves me up against a nearby tree.
"Shut the fuck up." I grunt as I try kicking him away. Bert doesn't know shit about what's happening with Gerard. He has no right in talking about him like that. Suddenly, he releases his grip on me as he screams out in agony. What the fuck? Wait, I smell coffee? Bert turned his back to me and I realized his entire back was scorched with burning, hot coffee.
"What the fuck was that for?" He screamed. I looked past Bert and saw Gerard standing there with an empty coffee cup dangling from one hand and the lid in the other.
"I don't have time to deal with you today, Bert." Gerard snapped as he grabbed me forcely and pulled me with him. I stumble after him as he drags me to the front doors.
"What the hell?"
"A thank you would be more appropriate." Gerard stated. A blink a few times trying to process what just happened. Gerard just threw scorching hot coffee on Bert. Okay?
"Thank you?" I say more as a question.
"You're welcome." And that was the last thing he said to me all day.
School is already a living hell. Being shoved into things, punched, kicked you name it, but now dealing with the thought of your friend dying in a hospital wasn't helping. Pete was a complete mess, he looks like he hasn't showered in days, and Gerard was a walking timebomb. It effected us all. I could barely sleep at night, Pete hardly spoke and Gerard was out of control.
I was pulled out of my thoughts as the bell rang, signaling first period was over. I look behind me to see Gerard down the aisle, passed out with dried tears on his cheeks and it was only first bell. I sighed as I stood up and walked to the front of the room once all the kids left the class.
"It's really nice of you to be doing this for him." Mr. Ross smiled sadly as he handed me Gerard's missed work. I smiled in reply. "Considering all the things he does to you sometimes." Mr. Ross adds. I raised an eyebrow.
"How do you-"
"You ran into a door, Frank? Is that the best you can come up with?" Mr. Ross questioned.
"Well, I was never one for creativity." I admitted.
"Your essays show it," he chuckled, "Y'know, there's a school dance coming up next month." Mr. Ross stated. I looked at him curiously.
"I think you and Gerard should go." He suggested. I gawked at him. Did he really suggest that? Didn't he just point out that Gerard abuses me?
"We're not even friends, let alone dating." I laughed nervously. Dear god, I hope Gerard is still asleep and not getting any ideas. Mr. Ross raised his eyebrow.
"The way you are willingly helping him I would have thought you guys were some closeted, abusive relationship, like Gallavich or something." He questioned. Why am I talking to my teacher about this?
"Oh well, most kids that go to dances together aren't dating either, besides, it may be a good experience for Gerard, help him take his mind off current situations." Mr. Ross reasoned. I'm pretty sure if Mikey dies a lame school dance won't make him feel any better, might make him feel worse.
"I'll think about." I lied. I definitely wasn't going to think about it. No way was I going to a school dance with Gerard. The only reason I'm sticking around him is because of Mikey, and if god forbid Mikey does die, I don't want Gerard to do anything stupid.
"Frank?" Mr. Ross calls out.
"Hmm?" I hum, walking closer to the sleeping Gerard.
"I see they way he looks at you." I stop moving. "He may act all tough shit around his delinquents, but around you he's different?" Mr. Ross points out. I scoff. What is Mr. Ross even trying to suggest? That he wants us together or some shit? Sorry buddy, but I don't date abusive redheads. I would never dream of dating Gerard. I know he'll never change, no matter how hard he wants to he never will. I don't want to be with someone like that. Gerard and I are better off unencumbered.
"Oh yeah, different all right." I rolled my eyes as I motioned towards my fading bruises.
"Well yes, but when he's around others he's quite, almost as if he is the most purest thing in the world, but around you it's like he puts on this whole different persona?" He suggests. I don't know, when he's around Bert he's a big bag of dicks.
"What do you mean?" I ask curiously. He sighs.
"It's something I cannot explain with words, but someone's actions don't always reflect their emotions." Mr. Ross stated. I nodded. "Now get to your next class or take him to the nurse." He instructed. I nodded.
"Gerard." I say lightly. "Hey, come on." I say as I shake him softly. He jolts up startled.
"Mikey!" He mumbled. I pursed my lips.
"Come on, next class." I say softly. He nods, tucking his red hair behind his ear.
Right when I came back from the hospital with Gerard, I went straight over to Jamia's house. It was hard watching Mikey slowly die in front of me. I knew he wasn't going to wake up and I'm dreading when the day comes. Thinking about it makes me want to cry again. I'm scared for Gerard. I may hate his guts, but I cannot and will not leave him.
"How is he?" Jamia asked as she poured me another drink.
"Which one?" I asked, pinching the bridge of my nose.
"Both of them?" She suggests. I sigh loudly, taking a large swig of my drink. I hope Jamia was willing to give me a ride home if I got too drunk, but I wasn't planning on it.
"Redhead is crashing and burning, Mikey is dying." I confess, downing the rest of the glass. Just then, I heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
"Miles is asleep," Dave stated grabbing his own glass. "Hey, Frank." He smiled sympathetically.
"Hey." I nodded as we both pushed our glasses over to Jamia.
"What am I, the bartender?" She grinned, filling both of our glasses.
"How's it going?" Dave asked, ignoring Jamia at the moment.
"Okay." I lied.
"Bullshit." Jamia coughed. I glared at her.
"How are the Ways?" He asked.
"Mikey is dying and Gerard is heading that way." I shrug taking another gulp of my drink, letting the warm liquid ease down my throat.
"Well, that's a nice way of putting it." He said downing his own drink in one go. Show off. "Well, Imma let you two talk, I'm heading to bed it's gonna be a long day tomorrow." He yawned, running a hand through his short, blonde hair.
"Night." I said finishing the rest of my drink.
"I should probably head home before it starts raining again." I state. Jamia nodded as I stood up. I walked to the door, but was stopped as Jamia pulled me into a hug.
"Jesus Christ, Frank." She sniffled. I hugged her back letting a few tears slip from my eyes.
"Dammit, Jamia." I laughed as I pulled away, wiping my eyes.
"Go home." She smiled, slapping my ass as I walked out the door. Fuck, this is a long walk.
The orange glow of the street lights illuminated the dark streets. The roads were already damp from the rain a few hours ago. I pulled out my phone to check what time it was.
Holy shit. Well, good thing tomorrow's Saturday.
As I kept walking I felt rain start to sprinkle. Great. Then, all of a sudden a fucking downpour.
"Dammit!" I yell. At that moment I didn't give a fuck about people trying to sleep. At that moment I lost all patience I had with the world. At that moment I felt broken.
"Fuck you!" I scream as I kick over a trash can. I had no idea what I was doing as I started to throw it around the street. "It's not fucking fair." I shout as I lifted it above my head then slammed it back to the ground, watching the trash go everywhere.
I felt the tears stream down my face as I fell onto the sidewalk, letting the rain drench me. Why do terrible things always happen to me? Why can't we just turn back time to the good old days? Who am I kidding, when have the days ever been good for me?
"What the fuck." I sob into the concrete. I rolled onto my back and let the rain fall on my face. I closed my eyes as my tears mixed with the rain.
After what felt like a lifetime, I picked myself back up and continued on home.
Thank god my mom wasn't up because I don't feel like explaining why am soaking wet, smell like garbage and what the hell I was doing out at three in the morning. I stripped at the door and threw my wet clothes in the laundry room, then collected a clean pair of pajamas before taking a nice warm shower.
After I got out of the shower, I brushed my teeth roughly, not wanting the smell of alcohol on my breath, then finally collapsed in bed. I sighed as I put my phone on the charge and stared out the window by my bed.
This window is a curse and a blessing. A blessing because it was nice to roll over and stare out the window on rainy nights like this. A curse because I'm always paranoid someone is standing outside the window looking in on me as I sleep.
I sighed as I tore away from the window and stared at my ceiling. I'm not even remotely tired, but what the hell was I going to do at three thirty in the morning? I answered my own question as I stood up and walked over to my tiny desk across the room. I opened the drawer and rummaged around for my notebook filled with a bunch of shit that I enjoy in it. My hand grazed over a small ziplock bag and I forced myself not to look at it. I knew what was in that bag and I haven't touched that bag since last year.
I ignored the sharp, metal blade as my fingers graced over it. It's been so long. No. If anytime was a good time, right now was definitely not. I ignored the bag as I remembered the pills inside it as I finally found my notebook. I've been clean for a while now and I wasn't about to throw it all away.
I was about to open it up when I heard a 'ping' from my phone. Who the fuck would be texting me at almost four in the morning? I grumbled as I walked back across the room and picked it up looking at the screen.
What the fuck is he doing texting me? I should probably change his contact name. I did so as I brought my phone back to my desk before reading the message.
What the hell? He never texts me, only in the mornings if I need a ride.
I put my phone down and waited for a reply. He's probably high. I shrugged as I started scribbling down words on the page.
I glance at the phone and saw he texted back.
G: 'uh so what are you doing?'
This whole situation is more confusing than math class. Since when has Gerard been into small talk?
F: 'nothing, what are you doing? are you high?'
G: 'no I can't sleep.'
Then why the fuck are you texting me? I'm starting to wonder if Gerard is really friends with Bert, because you don't see Bert doing this kind of shit for Gerard.
I had no idea what to say. I don't want to be rude, even though Gerard is an asshole.
F: 'why can't you sleep?'
That was a pretty dumb question, but I'm trying to create conversation.
G: 'I don't know, the rain?'
F: 'it is pretty heavy.'
G: 'almost like a drum'
F: 'yeah except drums don't soak you'
G: 'true I probably won't sleep tonight.'
F: 'i'm not really tired'
G: 'neither am I guess I won't sleep tonight as long as i still hear the drums of the city rain.'
F: 'looks like it's a long night for both of us'
G: 'guess so'
This is weird. Not like uncomfortable weird, no. The complete opposite. Actually really comforting? What the fuck, Frank? It's probably just the alcohol talking. I shook my head as my phone pinged again.
G: 'do you watch Supernatural?'
F: 'yeah why'
G: 'do you ship destiel?'
What the fuck does 'ship' mean? Isn't Destiel Castiel and Dean?
F: 'you are convincing me you're high, what the fuck does ship mean'
The little typing bubbles stayed in the screen for about five minutes. I feel like I just asked a really stupid question.
G: 'Jesus frnk, i'm not high. ship means you want those people together or they are together. so I'll ask again do you ship destiel?'
F: 'destiel is Dean and Cas right? If so then yeah I ship them.'
G: 'good if you didn't I would have blocked your number'
F: 'why are we talking about gay ships at four in the morning?'
G: 'bc I was rewatching spn and I wondered if you shipped destiel. Mikey and I fucking live for destiel.'
My heart instantly dropped as he mentioned Mikey, but also kinda warmed a little bit. Just imagining Gerard and Mikey sitting in front of the TV fangirling over a gay ship seems so adorable.
F: 'oh wow'
G: 'yeah... well I'll let you go now, mom just woke up and I have to pretend to be sleeping. Do you want come with us and see Mikey later today?
F: 'yeah sounds great'
G: 'okay bye'
My mind was boggled by that whole conversation. It seemed like Gerard and I were talking like casual friends. It was weird. But I kinda liked it.
I turned off my lamp and crawled back in bed. If I wanted to go see Mikey I better get some sleep.
I woke up to multiple 'ping' noises. Shit.
'on my way'
Sent twenty minutes ago
G: 'im outside'
Sent ten minutes ago
F: 'shit sorry i just woke up, you can come in if you want'
G: 'is your mom home?'
"Mom!" I yell into the hall. I waited for an answer. No reply.
F: 'if she is she's passed out.'
A few minutes later I heard a knock on the door.
"Come in!" I shout from the laundry room. The door creaked open as Gerard stepped in. I shut the laundry room door behind me and walked out to meet Gerard by the door.
"Uh, I need a quick shower, you don't mind?" I asked. He shook his head.
"No, mom went to the store to grab some snacks, I told her you might be a while." He stated. I nodded.
"Okay." I said grabbing a towel. Gerard curiously wandered around the living room.
"This is you and your dad, right?" He asked sheepishly as he pointed to a picture frame on the wall.
"Yeah, it's only been three years?" I raise a questioning eyebrow. His mood quickly changes as he glares at me.
"A lot can happen in three years." He says bitterly. I nod my head not wanting to cause a fight.
"Alright well, imma go shower, my room is done the hall." I point. He nodded as he walked down into my room and sat down on the bed. I sighed as I walked into the bathroom.
Once I was the shower and started washing my hair, I realized Gerard hasn't been in my room in years and he's bound to explore something's. The drawer.
"Shit." I mutter as I rinse my hair and wash the rest of my body. I got out quickly, toweled off and dressed in my black jeans with holes in the knees and my black Misfits shirt. I didn't bother combing my hair because there's not much to comb anyway.
I quickly walked into my room to see Gerard sitting at my desk drawing.
"You kept my old sketchbooks." He stated without looking up. Oh. I did, didn't I...
"Yeah." I said, standing next to him now. Gerard looked up from the sketchbook and rummaged around the desk more.
"You have a lot more things than you use to." He noted as his hand went to the handle of the drawer. I slammed my hand against it quickly to stop him from opening it.
"What?" He asked as he looked up at me. I mentally noted the way he moved his red hair out from his face. His features were so delicate, yet fierce at the same time. I like that.
"I don't want anyone looking through there." I explain as I removed my hand from the drawer.
"Why not? What can be so bad in there?" He asked. I don't know why I was scared to let Gerard what was in there. What would he do? He doesn't care about me. He would probably encourage it rather than get upset. It was Gerard. He hated me, so why would he care if I was suicidal? "Come on, I'm your friend." He dragged out the last part. What now?
"What?" He cuts me off. "I'm not your friend." He says using air quotes. "Yeah ok, it's not like I didn't throw my scolding, hot coffee on Bert to save your ass the other morning." He griped. I wave of rage surged through my body. Is he fucking serious?
"Also beat the shit out of me up against lockers and chase me after school. Not to mention the countless other times over the years, but that's just what friends do, right?" I ask sarcastically. His face contorts with anger. I laughed. Does he actually think throwing coffee on some douchebag for me is going to erase everything else he's done? I don't think so buddy.
"Who am I kidding, the only friends you have are your brother and that dipshit Bert, who we both know you don't even consider a friend." I snap, raising my voice. I lift up my shirt and exposed my ribs and chest. "Look at this, Gerard." I say pointing to the yellow and purplish bruises that littered my body. "Do friends do this?" I ask, pulling my shirt back down.
With that he stood up angrily and grabbed me by the throat, before slamming me down on my bed. I choked as my back hit the bed. I squint my eyes shut as my wet hair clings to my forehead.
"Listen here Frank, I said this before and I'll say it again, I'm in a downwards spiral and I'm taking you down with me. Wanna know why? Because you're the only goddamn idiot that was stupid enough to reach out and try to help me." He spat tightening his grip on my throat.
"Granted, this was years ago and now you hate me as much as I hated you, but no one has ever given a shit about me!" He yelled. I grasped at his hands, trying to get him to loosen his grip. He does slightly, but still not enough.
"All I did was push you away. I didn't want anyone. I tried to commit suicide, but I failed. I fucking failed." He admitted as tears started forming in his eyes.
"I didn't want anyone all I wanted was loneliness, but you, you demanded I spend time with you, you demanded you helped. You cared." He cried. "And what did I give back in return? I beat the hell out of you so you would leave me alone, but you still fucking stayed!" My vision started to blur as I tried slapping his hands.
"Now, I'm trying to change and make everything fucking better after all these years, but I finally got what I wanted. You finally gave up, like everyone else." He said more calmly, finally releasing his grip on my neck. He stood back up and wiped his tears. I choked and gasped loudly.
"Looks like we all get what we want in the end, right?" He sniffs, not bringing himself to look at me. "I wanted to be alone and now Mikey is dying and you gave up a long time ago." He laughed sadly. I sat up and coughed, rubbing my throat. I didn't know what to say. I just sat there letting his words soak into me.
"You really mean all that?" I croaked.
"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it." He sighed sitting back down in the chair. "Look at me, I'm a mess, I lost my father over ten years ago and still acting like a little bitch." He laughed, wiping his eyes. "Now, I'm about to lose Mikey." He bit his lip.
I'm such an idiot.
"I'll be your friend Gerard, but on one condition." I state. Gerard shook his head.
"Don't say it just to make me feel better." He sighed.
"No, listen." I said sternly.
"Only if you stop beating me." I reason.
"You know I'm-"
"Promise." I cut him off. He sighs.
"Good." I said rummaging through my nightstand. Finally, I pulled out a medium sized box and hand it to him. "Here."
"What's this?" He asks as he opens it.
"I was going to give it to someone special, but it can work for friends, right?" I ask as he opens the box, revealing the two necklaces inside. One is a long chain with a key, and the other is a short chained with a lock. He picks them up and examines them. I watch his face as he tilts his head and squints his eyes. I awed over how gosh darn adorable he can be. Wait, didn't he literally just choke me a few seconds ago? He set them back down in the box and closed the lid.
"I bet she would be a very lucky lady." He smiled sadly. Lady? Oh wait, I never told Gerard I was gay. Well, he never failed to tell me I was gay when we were young, but he was just being an ass. I would rather Gerard keep thinking I was straight. Who knows what he'd do if he'd found out.
"Yeah well, too bad they're ours now." I said quickly, trying to get away from the conversation of sexuality.
"Oh." He said softly as he opened the box again, "I would like the key one." He said handing me the other one. I smiled softly taking it from him.
"People will know we're friends, right?" He asked. Or think we're gay..
"Yeah." I say. He nods.
"Here," he says standing back up and turning his back to me. "Help me latch this." He says as I take both ends. I brush his red hair out if the way and latch the ends together.
"Is that good or does it need to be tighter?" I ask. It does hang down a bit. You could consider it a long necklace.
"No it's fine, your turn!" He turns to me with grabby hands. Did he take his medicine today? I turn my back to him and he carefully latches mine. "Perfect!" He claps his hands together in excitement as I turn back to him. Literally two seconds ago you were choking me out and we're about to go visit your dying brother.
I sigh as I run a hand through my damp hair. I grabbed my coat and a pack of smokes, after pulling my shoes on. Just then, rain starts to pound on the roof.
"Well, there goes my idea." I sighed flopping back down on the bed. I felt the bed shift under his weight as he sat down.
"Y'know you should really quit smoking." He stated.
"Hypocrite." I scoffed.
"I quit couple weeks ago." Gerard stated.
"Just a month ago you were smoking out front of school." Frank reasoned.
"Well, a month ago my brother wasn't dying in a hospital." Gerard snapped.
"You want me to quit?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"Yeah, Mikey says he doesn't respect people as much when they smoke." Gerard explained.
"Oh." I said letting the room fall into silence. The silence was cut short when Gerard's phone dinged.
It was late afternoon when we arrived at the hospital and checked in. The skies had cleared and the sun was peaking out. The streets were wet, but the weather was beautiful. Donna went in with us this time. I stayed in the waiting room and let Donna and Gerard alone with Mikey. I sat nervously as the smell of antibacterial soap on my hands made my nostrils sting.
"Frank?" I heard a woman's voice ask. I look up and met eyes with Nurse Lindsey.
"Oh hi." I greeted as she sat down next to me.
"Here for Mikey?" She asked. I nodded. "I was actually on my way to go see him." She stated.
"How is he?" I ask. She smiled sadly.
"Better." She stated.
"What's the catch?" I ask. She sighed.
"Do you want me to be honest with you?" She asked. I nodded my head hesitantly. She took in a deep breath. "Frank, he's not supposed to wake up, but his conditions have gotten significantly better." She sighed.
"Patients that normally don't have much of a chance of surviving usual get exceptionally better before they pass." She pursed her lips.
"W-what are you saying." I stutter.
"I'm not saying anything, this could mean he's going to wake up, but most of the time this means he doesn't have long." She said.
"How long?" I asked.
"Days." My heart dropped. Days. The tears began to fall from my eyes like rain from the clouds. These days are like the crazy rain. "I'm sorry, Frank." She frowned patting me on the back.
"It's fine." I sniffled wiping my eyes. "You said it could go either way." I reasoned. She sighed as she stood up.
"I have to get back now." She said softly. I nodded.
I didn't go in to see Mikey. I didn't want to. The last time I saw Mikey was the other day, but I hardly remembered what he looked like, since I got slightly tipsy at Jamia's. What I do remember however, is the smiley, nerdy Mikey that would play bass with Pete. If Mikey was going to die that's how I want to remember him. Smiley and happy. Not dying and barely living.
Gerard didn't ask why I didn't want to go see him and I didn't tell him why. The car ride home was silent. Donna dropped me off while the sun was still up and just in time before it started raining again. What the fuck is up with the rain lately?
"Frankie?" I heard my mother's shrill voice as I came down the hall. Jesus fuck, I just want some water.
"What?" I answered.
"I have someone for you to meet." She stated. Oh fuck no. "Frank, this is Mark, Mark this is Frank, my son." She hesitated. I smirked. I knew this guy wasn't going to be around long. He was a humble looking guy I'll give him that.
He was dressed in a plain black shirt and blue jeans. His hair was gelled up, but nothing too dramatic and completing his look was a pair of black, square-frame glasses.
"Hi Mark, I'm Frank, the unfortunate gay son." I smiled shaking his hand. My mother scowled at me, but Mark didn't seem startled.
"Lgbt, I can dig that." He grinned. Wow I didn't expect that. "I'm Mark."
"Well, you seem cool." I say simply as I walk back to my room forgetting the water. It would be useless getting attached to him. He'll probably be gone by tomorrow.
I sigh as I sit down at my desk. Gerard's unfinished drawing laid open. I pushed it aside as I pulled out the same notebook as I did the night before.
I turned around a glanced out the window by my bed. It was completely dark and the rain had let up to a sprinkle. It was roughly nine now. The clouds were starting to clear and the moonlight reflected off the rain puddles. The stars shone bright as they illuminated the sky.
Moments like this make me appreciate life. I love nature and the peaceful moments in life. It's relaxing just to admire the stars in the sky. Almost as if the world isn't that bad. Seeing the world turn and the animals go on as if they don't have a care in the world. There's just something so calming about it. Eventually, I'm brought back to reality that the world isn't so cracked up as it seems to be.
People dying, people crying, wars across the world, diseases, and worst of all letting go. That's probably the hardest part. Letting go of your dreams. Sometimes the most peaceful things make you realize the more ugly things in the world.
'So many stars in the sky and I don't know why they always have to fall on me, maybe I'm blind to all of the signs that, the world never wanted me.'
I put my pen down as I heard my mom walk in.
"What the fuck, Frank?" She complained.
"What?" I ask.
"Do you have to go around flaunting your sexuality?" She whined.
"I wasn't flaunting, I was just letting him know." I reasoned.
"Sure, and what are you going to tell him next, you're suicidal?" She spat. Anger took over me.
"And whose fucking fault is that?" I snap.
"Oh Frank, get over it don't blame everything on me." She yelled.
"Oh, don't blame everything on you? Well, who else do I blame it on because dad is gone!" I yell back.
"That's not my fault!"
"That's not the point, the point is that for years you've treated me like shit when I've already had my fair share, and all you can say is get over it!" I nearly scream.
"Oh, so are you going to blame me for you cutting yourself?"
"Do you forget everything!" I shout. "Third grade, I said I was gay and you yelled at me, you terrified me for life!"
"Not only did you scare me from ever telling you anything else again, I started locking myself away from everyone!" I yelled, clenching my fist.
"Remember sixth grade when I started questioning my gender and you made me feel like I was the dirt of the world?"
"I didn't make you feel-" I cut her off.
"Don't tell me how I fucking feel!" I growl. "You caused me so much pain from your rejection and in the end I'll just die alone big thanks to you, I push everyone away because you made me not be able to trust no one!" I shout.
"Get the fuck over it!" She yelled.
"Get over it? Like it's that easy, huh? News flash, it's not!" I yell. I didn't bother hearing what she had to say next as I shoved her out the door and locked it.
'Think I'd love to die alone, live and breath and die alone.'
I tried my best to calm down, but my attempts failed as I crawled into bed shutting off the lights. In times like this, the only thing I want to do is shut my eyes and sleep forever. So I did.
I awoke to my phone ringing. It was still dark out so I wasn't sleeping long. I looked at the time and it was around one in the morning. I looked at the caller I.D before answering.
"Gerard?" I croak as I answer. On the other end all I could make out was sobbing. Oh no.
"I-it's Mikey!" He sobbed. Oh no.. "He's- he's-" I cut him off.
"I'll be right there."
Cliffhanger. I know I'm evil.
Chapter 8: Things Are Better If I Stay
I banged repeatedly on the front door. My face dripped with sweat from running here. Finally, Gerard opened the door and before I could even get inside, he engulfed me in a hug. His sobs were loud and his body shook violently each time he breathed in.
Inside, Donna was on the phone wiping her eyes. When Lindsey said Mikey had days I didn't think she meant hours. I started crying right along with Gerard as I lead him inside. We sat on the couch and Gerard tried his best at composing himself.
"What happened?" I asked, knowing full well what happened.
"It's Mikey." He cried. "He's- he's-" he broke off into more sobbing. I did my best at trying to comfort him, but how do you comfort someone who just lost their brother?
"It's okay." I soothe as the tears fall from my eyes. It's almost as if I refused to believe it. He can't be dead?! No.
However, life isn't always the way it seems.
"He's- he's awake!" He spits out. My eyes widen.
"Oh my god." I mutter. "A-are you serious?" I asked shocked. This was a miracle. Holy shit.
"Yes!" Gerard cried out, hugging me tighter. Just then, Donna entered the room.
"He's being monitored, doctors say he can be released by the end of the week." Donna smiled.
"When can we see him?" Gerard asked facing her.
"Right now, if we wanted to, but I think it'd be better if we went in the morning." She suggested. We both nodded.
"O-okay." Gerard said. Well shit, I ran here for nothing. I mean I ran here for Mikey, but I thought we were going to the hospital.
"Sorry you ran here, Frank I can give you a ride-" The rest of Donna's sentence was cut off by Gerard.
"Actually, I wanted to talk with Frank for a bit," Gerard interrupted, "If that's okay?" He asked the both of us. Donna raised her eyebrow in my direction. I nodded as Gerard stood up.
"Do you boys want anything?" She asked as I followed Gerard to the stairs. He glanced at me and I shook my head.
"No." He answered as he lead me up the stairs. Once we reached the top of the steps he then led me to his bedroom.
"Don't mind the mess." He sighed opening the door to his bedroom.
"It's fine." I assure. He shuffled across the room and sat on his unmade bed. I sat down as well. Why did he want to talk to me?
"So, uh, you're going with us in the morning, right?" He asked nervously.
"Yeah." I confirmed. He laughed nervously. I raise my eyebrow.
"Uh, y'know, you could stay the night," he suggested. "I could put sheets on the bed in the spare room." He added. Was he serious?
"It's fine, I can go home." I stated.
"I mean, it'd be easier to stay. We can just go right on there in the morning." He rambled, completely ignoring what I said. Well, he did have a point..
"I don't have any clothes." I reasoned.
"That's fine, you can wear mine they're probably way too big for you, but I think you'll be fine." He continues to ramble. Does he have an answer for everything?
"It's up to Donna, I don't want to be a bu-" He stood up suddenly, cutting me off and walked to the door.
"Mom, can Frank stay the night?" He shouted into the house. Within a few seconds Donna shouted back a 'sure'.
"See, no problem." He smiled.
"Fine." I sighed. Silence filled the room once again. Unexpectedly, Gerard grabbed my wrist softly and ran his thumb over my wrist.
"No one deserves cuts on their wrist." He said sadly as he dragged a soft finger down my forearm. I pulled my arm away and pressed it into my side.
"I stopped a year ago." I mumbled. He nodded.
"Okay, I'll go make the bed." He frowned, walking out the door. I followed him as we walked to the familiar room just down the hall.
"Hope you don't mind Star Wars." He groaned as he reached up in the closet and pulled the sheets down. I helped him make the bed. I still felt bad. I didn't want to be a burden for staying, but Gerard insisted.
"Thanks." I say once we finished.
"Yeah, no problem." He said as the room fell silent. "Well, uh, I'm going to head to bed." He stated.
"Yeah me too."
"Here, let me go get you some pajamas so you don't have to sleep in those jeans." He said, walking out the door before I could protest. He quickly came back with fuzzy, black Batman pajama pants and a plain white shirt.
"Well, uh, goodnight and see ya in the morning." He blushed before closing the door behind him as he left.
He's a weird kid.
"Frank." Gerard grasped my shoulder and shook me. My hand shot up involuntarily and grabbed his arm roughly.
"Oh," I pant, "It's only you." I breathe releasing his hand.
"You okay?" He asks. I nod my head. "You're pretty sweaty, are you sick?" He asked, kneeling down. I shook my head.
"I just need a shower."
"O-okay, do you need any clothes?" He asked. I glanced at the pile of clothes. They looked disgusting. I nodded my head.
After I showered we headed off to the hospital. I borrowed Gerard's grey sweater and blue jeans, both too big for me, but it was comfy nonetheless. I wasn't quite sure what to expect. What does he look like? What will he be like? What will he act like? I started fearing and overthinking everything.
We soon arrived and raced to the front desk checking in as fast as possible. Inside Lindsey was checking things off on her clipboard. She turned around and smiled at us, me especially. Mikey's attention was directed to the TV in the corner of the room. I don't think he noticed us standing there.
"Hey guys." She greeted. Mikey turned his head and gazed at us. He smiled.
"Well, look what the cat dragged in." He grinned. Gerard ran to him and embraced him. Mikey smiled widely. The rest of the day was spent at the hospital. Mikey was set to be released this Thursday.
The room was a bit awkward. Everyone, including Lindsey were all walking around the elephant in the room. Why? No one asked and Mikey never said.
Everyday leading up to Thursday felt as if it moved in slow motion.
Monday, Gerard and I went to the hospital when Mikey woke up. Tuesday, Gerard and Pete went to the hospital which left me alone in school. Which was a fucking treat. Now it's Wednesday, Gerard stayed home preparing the house for Mikey and Pete went to the hospital again today.
"Fuck." I mutter as Bert's heavy boot makes contact with my stomach.
"Look who's not here to save you today, that's right all mine today." He laughed as he picked me up and slammed me against the locker. My face was already bleeding and my side hurts like hell.
"Mr. McCracken!" I heard a voice yell down the hall. We both looked down the hall to see Mr. Urie speed walking down the hall. "Principal's office, now!" He shouted. Bert shrugged and made his way down the hall.
"Are you okay?" Mr. Urie asked. I nodded.
"I'm just gonna go to the nurse, if that's fine?" I asked. Mr. Urie nodded.
"Yeah go ahead, I'll tell Mr. Ross you'll be running late." He said. I swear those two are a fricken couple. I nodded and made my way to the nurse's office.
Thank god tomorrow's Thursday.
Chapter 9: Feel Free To Count Me Out
Possible Trigger Warning. Mentions of blood. Also, very foreshadowing.
“How's your first day back?” I asked as Mikey sat down next to Pete at the lunch table.
“Just as I remember it, hell.” Mikey groaned. Gerard laughed.
“I'm glad you're back.” Pete smiled kissing Mikey on the cheek. I zoned out most of lunch. Nothing really interesting was going on. My classes have been changed, so now I have no classes with Bert. Why don't they just suspended him? Even better expel him.
Unfortunately, that means my next class is gym with Mikey and Gerard and from what they tell me it's fun? Physical activity, fun?
This is gonna be a treat.
“Iero, red team.” The coach said tossing me a red jersey. Gerard's on my team, which is a bit of a reliever because he's the only person I know on my team. Mikey was on the blue team. I groaned to myself.
I don’t like the color red.
I shuffled over to Gerard who was at the end of the line.
“Kickball huh?” I ask. If this is what Gerard counts as fun feel free to count me out.
“Joy.” He rolled his eyes. Suddenly, our conversation was cut short.
“Iero, you kick first!” The coach shouted across the gym. Bitch, do I look like I wanna kick? Also, I have a first name. I looked back at Gerard who was trying to contain his laugh. I cursed him in my head as I walked to the front.
The pitcher rolled the ball and I kicked it. Well, I punted it because my legs are fucking short. A very intimidating guy grabbed the ball and threw it at me as I sprinted to first base. It hit me, but I had already tagged the bag.
“Out!” He shouted.
“Excuse me!” I yelled. “I was on the fucking base!” I yell. Why was I getting so angry over a kickball game?
“No you weren't you fucking idiot.” He laughed. Um, excuse me?
“Wanna rethink that.” I warn walking to him. Suddenly, I felt an arm on my elbow. It was Gerard.
“Frank don't.” He warned. I shoved him off.
“Listen to your dog, faggot.” The boy scoffed. I lunged after him, but once again, Gerard stopped me.
“Frank, it's not worth it.” He said through gritted teeth. Gerard’s arms gripped around my waist, making it impossible for me to break free. I was getting so fed up with the whole situation that without thinking, I brought my elbow back and nailed Gerard right in the face. I instantly regretted it.
Gerard stumbled back a little bit and before I could get out of his reach, he punched me hard in the face. I felt blood trickled down my face as rage consumed me. I tackled Gerard to the ground and started throwing punches. Bad Idea. Gerard retaliated and gripped his hands around my neck.
“Fuck you.” I choked as blood and sweat started started to get all over us and the floor. Gerard groaned and kicked me hard in the balls. I gasped and fell to the floor as Gerard pounced on me and connected his fist with my face.
I thought they said gym was going to be fun.
“Boys!” The coach yelled. That didn't stop us. I tried to knock him off of me, but failed as his hands gripped around my neck again and slammed my head against the floor. I don't even know why we're fighting.
“Fuck.” He groaned again as I hit him hard in the jaw. By this point his face was covered in blood and I’m pretty sure mine was too.
Suddenly, I felt Gerard's body ripped off me. I stumbled to my feet and went after him, but was stopped as I felt arms grip around my waist.
“Frank, fucking stop.” I heard Pete say. I didn't listen I fought against his grip trying to get to Gerard.
Gerard wiped his face as he spit blood on the floor. He kept his gaze on me the whole time, and what was even scarier was that I couldn’t tell whether or not if he was mad. The coach was holding him back, but Gerard wasn't making any attempts to get away like I was.
“Both of you, nurse's office, then go to the principles.” Coach said sternly. “Do I need to send anyone with you so you don’t fight of the way there?” He asked angrily.
“No.” Gerard glared at me. Pete let me go and Gerard grabbed my arm roughly. His grip remained strong until we exited the gym.
“What the fuck was that, Frank?” He snapped. Now I felt bad as I looked up at him. The whole side of his face was bruised and mostly his entire face was bloody. I hung my head.
“I’m sorry.” I mumbled.
“Jesus Frank, you expect me to change and be a good friend .” He said using air quotes.
“I’m sorry I don’t know what got a hold of me.” I said honestly.
“Well, let's go my face hurts.” He grunted pulling me along forcefully.
“You boys really got into it huh?” Mr. DeLonge asked.
“Sure.” I mumbled as I held my head back with a tissue held to my nose.
“Well, Imma go get some more gauze for Gerard, I’ll be right back.” He said walking out the office. Silence filled the room between us. Gerard shifted the ice on his face and sighed loudly.
“I’m sorry.” He said finally. I looked over at him.
“Don’t apologize it’s my fault.” I said.
“No, I shouldn’t have punched you back like that. I should have had better control, I’m sorry.” He sighed. I hit him in the arm playfully. Something possessed me to randomly give Gerard a hug. And I did so. This is weird.
“No harm, no foul.” I smiled as I wrapped both my arms around his torso. Hesitantly, Gerard wrapped an arm around me and patted my back awkwardly.
“There was a lot of harm actually.” Gerard stated.
“Well, lot of harm, no foul.” I said.
“Okay.” Gerard breathed a laugh.
“Even?” I laughed, even though it hurt.
“Even.” He smiled.
“You got into a fight?” She asked as I walked to my room.
“No, I ran into a door, what do you think?” I snap sarcastically.
“Don’t be rude.” She said as I walked in my room.
“Don’t ask vein questions.” I sigh, shutting the door on her.
Now that the adrenaline wore off, my face hurt like hell. Well, my whole body hurt, but my face mostly. Suddenly, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I groaned as I laid down on my bed.
‘sorry again about today’
I sighed as I read it.
F: ‘stop apologizing or we’ll go for round two’
G: ‘alright okay…………… sorry.’
I laughed as I typed back.
F: ‘round two bitch!’
I laughed at my own remark. I’m I that lonely?
G: I literally loled. bring it on mi dulce’
F: ‘not this again’
G: ‘what don't like Spanish? They say it's the language of love’
F: ‘I would like it if I had any idea what you're saying’
G: ‘google translate’
F: ‘I heard its untrustworthy’
G: ‘true but it will give you a general idea’
F: ‘alright well Spanish me up’
I found this whole situation very weird. Is this what friends do? Flirt with each other in Spanish? Who knows you've never had real friends, Frank. Yep, I'm really lonely.
G: ‘Podrá nublarse el sol eternamente;
Podrá secarse en un instante el mar;
Podrá romperse el eje de la tierra
Como un débil cristal.
Podrá la muerte
cubrirme con su fúnebre crespón;
pero jamás en mí podrá apagarse
la llama de tu amor.
That was by Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer’
I took a moment to go translate it. Hopefully, google translate won't let me down. As I copy and pasted it into the translation box I was a bit blown away.
‘The sun may cloud forever;
The sea may dry in an instant;
The axis of the earth can be broken
Like a faint crystal.
Everything will happen!
Death will be
Cover myself with his funereal crepe;
But it can never go out in me
The flame of your love.’
That was beautiful. A bit cheesy, but beautiful nonetheless.
G: ‘that's all you have to say? Wow?’
F: ‘a bit cheesy, but beautiful. How do you know this stuff anyway?’
G: ‘I payed attention in Spanish class’
F: ‘fair point.’
G: ‘I have to go. Te veo mañana mi dulce’
F: ‘I will block your number.’
G: ‘you wouldn't. You need a ride to school.’
F: ‘fair point, but don't try me.’
After that I didn't hear back from Gerard that night. Sleeping was a bitch because every time I moved I was sent into a world of pain. I hope Gerard is in pain too. He can't be sleeping soundly while I'm tossing and turning in pain.
Finally, after two hours of trying to fall asleep, I got up to get some aspirin. Once back in my bed I leaned over and grabbed my phone.
Okay, it was a bit more than two hours. I opened my messages and decided to text Gerard.
F: ‘please tell me your in pain too.’
G: ‘you're** shut up I'm trying to get some sleep before my alarm goes off.’
And that was the last I remembered. Now, I was groaning as my alarm blared. I slapped it and it ceased making noise. My head was throbbing in pain.
Today's going to be fucking great...
Chapter 10: The World Never Wanted Me
Trigger Warning. Mentions of blood, self-harm and suicide.
I didn't go to school that morning. I told Gerard I was sick. Which wasn't a complete lie, I was sick. Of myself to be exact. My mom wasn't home. I don't know where she was and to be honest, I really don't care.
I glanced down at my arms and cringed at the old scars. They were barely noticeable, but to me they stood out. At the time it made the emotional pain go away, but in the end it only turned the emotional pain into a physical reminder.
Today I really wanted to relapse. I wanted to feel the cool metal against my skin and I wanted to feel the physical pain, but I didn't. Instead I just wrote about it. I wrote down how much I hated school, how much I hated people and myself, and more importantly how much I didn't want to live anymore. This is just making me more depressed.
I sighed as I put my pen down and walked to the front door. It was almost noon. The sun was directly overhead now. Maybe the sun will burn my face and I'll feel something besides apathy. I walked down the front steps and was almost shocked by how warm it was, considering it was almost November. I took a deep breath in through my nose and let the heavy air fill my lungs. Now I was starting to feel bad about ditching school, but I felt worse about myself today. Pretty selfish on my part.
As I walked down the sidewalks I noticed the flowers starting to bloom. Again, weird considering it's almost November. Just the other day its was raining, now it's clear skies and blooming flowers. It's hard to believe another day of rain has already come and gone.
I felt tears threaten my eyes as I continued walking down the street. Why am I crying? There's nothing I can cry about that I haven't cried over before. I guess it's just sad knowing one day you'll die alone. We're born, we live, we breathe, and for what? To die and leave it all behind in the end? Better to take my own life now, rather than wait for it to be taken from me.
It's probably easier for other people. Most people have others that love them. Accept them. Support them. I quickly wiped away a stray tear. No need in crying over it now. I've dealt with it for so long it's grown accustomed to me. Guess that's just the hardest part of living, but there's no need in crying over spilt milk.
To be honest, I can't even remember a time when someone even loved me, or could love me. I'm nothing special. I play guitar and complain about how much my life sucks. I'm nothing. When I grow up I want to be nothing at all. The way things are going I just might get my wish. I scream teenage angst. I cry sympathy. I bleed hatred and I crave for acceptance, but don't we all?
I re-read the words I wrote on the page in my mind just to wallow in my own self-pity.
'My body's weak, it gave up on me, but I gave up on myself a long time ago. This time I don't think I will get out from what I'm underneath. I've felt this bad for so long I'm scared I'm fine, but when have I ever been 'fine'? I always feared dying alone, guess that's where some of my depression and anxiety come in, but now I think I'd love to die alone. I'm tired of waiting for the world to change its perspective, but I've got time to burn. It's better off this way. Let's be honest, the world never wanted me.
I was getting sick of the scenery and fresh air and decided it was time to I home.
And into the bathroom.
I opened the medicine cabinet and searched for something. Something very familiar.
I told myself never again.
But I did it again.
And again, and again, and again, and again.
Until I stopped.
Just like the blade I stained that slipped from my hands and fell to the floor, I did too.
From the lights to the pavement, I drifted into a sleep I hoped would last forever.
Chapter 11: They Found You On The Bathroom Floor
Trigger Warning. Mentions of suicide, blood and graphic descriptions.
I woke up in the hospital with bandages on my arms. The lights in the room were dimmed. Who found me? Oh fuck, I hope it wasn't my mom. I didn't even know what time it was. I blinked my eyes a few times as the room started to come into focus. In the corner of the room, I was startled to see a softly snoring Gerard. His head hung forward and his red hair covered the right side of his face. On the other side of the room sat Mikey in a hard plastic chair with his eyes closed.
"The fuck?" I whisper to myself. Suddenly, Mikey's head snapped up and his eyes sprang open. I rub my eyes as Mikey fumbled to his feet and rushed over to me. Gerard somehow, still sleeping. Which is good, this past week neither of us has gotten really any sleep.
"Oh god, Frank don't do that again you dick bag!" Mikey whispered hastily as he engulfed me in a hug. Why does everyone care all of a sudden? More importantly, why the hell are they here? I still don't know who the hell found me.
I'm sorry I-" he cut me off, cupping my mouth shut as Gerard began to stir. Once Gerard settled back down and we both realized he was still sleeping, Mikey uncupped my mouth and hugged me tighter.
"You fucking douche." He whispered with a hint of sadness, then letting go of me. "Guess I should explain why the hell we're here before Gerard wakes up and starts crying again." Mikey sighed as he wiped a few stray tears. I nodded my head.
"Gerard told me at lunch that you didn't come to school because you were sick, and I noticed him texting you all morning." Mikey starts. I vaguely remember texting Gerard me this morning because it was mostly normal questions like 'are you okay?' 'Is there anything I can get you?' and 'Mr. Ross is looking at me I gotta go.' "So, Gerard talked me into skipping lunch and leaving to go check on you." Mikey's voice lowered. Oh no.
"And you?-" Mikey cut me off as he waved a dismissive hand.
"Neither of us could find you. I started to panic but I kept my composure for Gerard's sake." Mikey paused as he eyes started to become glossy with new tears. "That's when I heard- I heard Gerard scream from the bathroom." Mikey's voice began to quiver. I felt the tears brim my eyes.
"I'm not finished." He snapped as he took off his glasses. "Immediately, I called an ambulance and Gerard was too busy screaming and crying as he held you on the floor." Mikey broke off and wiped his eyes. "Shit, and when the paramedics came they had to tear you out of his arms, which only made him more distraught." Mikey sniffed. Now that I realize it, Gerard did have dried up blood on his hands and clothing.
"Shit man, he just would stop screaming," Mikey laughed as he frantically tried to hide the fact that he was crying. "'I can't lose him, I can't lose him he's all I need.' That's all he could keep screaming. It was heartbreaking." Mikey trailed off. I took a deep breath in to calm myself. This was too much to take in, but I continued to listen.
"Gerard blamed himself a lot for this, he kept going on and on about bullying you when we were kids and up until now." Mikey sighed. "I kept trying to tell him it wasn't his fault, but he wasn't having any of it. He just cried and kept clutching a necklace with a key on it?" Mikey raised his voice like asking a question. As he said this, I reached a hand up to touch my necklace that matched Gerard's, but then realized it wasn't there.
Mikey raised an eyebrow in confusion, but I waved it off for now as he continued talking.
"Then, he passed out from crying and exhaustion, your mom left in a drunken rage and says we have to drive you home when you're cleared." Mikey explained.
"When will that be?" I asked.
"Supposedly, today." Mikey answered. My eyes widen.
"Today? Damn, I at least expected to be here for a week." I questioned.
"I guess they're tired of gay, suicidal kids coming in." Mikey chortled.
"How has he been? Beside fact." I asked.
"A mess, to put it simply." Mikey rubbed his eyes. "I think what really affected him was when he held you in the bathroom." Mikey explained. "Frank, I thought you were going to fucking die." He finished.
"I'm sorry." I hung my head.
"I wish that could fix everything, but it can't. He's grown attached to you, which sounds weird, but I have no idea how else to explain it." Mikey sighed.
"Maybe I'm actually helping him?" I suggest.
"Frank, you have to understand, he may never get better. It's been this way for years and here you are in a hospital bed." Mikey points.
"Yeah, but that's not his fault."
"Is it?" Mikey asked. The room fell silent again. Is it?
"I'll go tell a nurse you're awake." Mikey said as he walked out of the room. I sat there quietly, listening to Gerard's breath as he slept. His red hair fell in front of his face, his clothes wrinkled and blood stained, and his chest slowly rising and falling along with his head slightly bobbing. I couldn't help but think about what it must have been like for Gerard and Mikey. Especially, Gerard from what Mikey explains.
"If we get in trouble, I'm blaming you." Mikey groaned as the brothers continued down the street.
"We won't, I just wanna check on him." Gerard reasoned.
"You sure are being nice to Frank a lot more." Mikey pointed out, raising a suggestive eyebrow. Gerard shrugged dismissively.
"I guess I just feel bad for all those times I was a dick in the past." Gerard explained. It didn't take long before Gerard and Mikey arrived in front of Frank's house. Gerard didn't bother knocking, figuring Frank may be asleep. Gerard reached down and grabbed the spare key from under the specific flower pot Frank showed him and went back to unlock the door.
"Frank told me in case of emergencies." Gerard explained. Once the boys entered the house everything felt a bit eerie. Throughout the entire house everything was dead silent. All the lights were off, which was a bit odd considering the kitchen stove light always stays on.
"He's probably sleeping." Gerard whispered. Gerard and Mikey both tiptoed to Frank's bedroom door. Gerard slowly pushed open the door and peeked his head inside. To both of their confusion and surprise, Frank wasn't in bed. "Frank?" Gerard asked as he stepped in his room. Something was definitely off.
Frank's room looked as though a tornado had just blown through. This was an immediate red flag. Gerard knew Frank kept his room clean or somewhat clean.
"Frank, you in here?" Mikey asked. No answer.
"Huh?" Gerard questioned, completely puzzled. Mikey shut the door behind them as they stepped back out into the hallway.
"I'll go check around the house." Mikey said fear began to eat away at his insides. He couldn't let Gerard see he was panicking, so he went of somewhere into the house in search for Frank. Gerard nodded as he watched Mikey wonder off.
Gerard searched the rooms in the hallway. Frank's room, nope. Frank's mom's room, nada. Bathroom? Well, the light is on, so maybe he's in there? God, please say he is.
"Hey Frank, you in there?" Gerard asked as he knocked softly on the door. No answer.
On the other side of the house, Mikey's anxiety was starting to grow. Where's Frank? Mikey pushed down the negative thoughts. Frank is probably just out getting medicine or doing whatever the fuck Frank does. He's fine, yeah he's okay.
Soon enough, Mikey's worst fears were confirmed as he heard a blood-curdling scream come from the bathroom. Without thinking, Mikey raced to the bathroom, but what he saw inside he wished he would have never saw in his life.
Inside the bathroom, on the floor, sat Gerard as he held the lifeless, bloody Frank in his arms.
"No no Frank, wake up." Gerard cried. Gerard's shaky hands pressed into Frank's wounds in attempts to stop the bleeding. "Come on Frankie, wake up." Gerard cried harder as he pulled Frank's lifeless body into his lap. Mikey wasted no time as he quickly dialed 911.
"It's okay, come on Frank." Gerard sobbed as he brushed strands of hair off Frank's face. Frank's face was pale and his eyes were closed. "Frank please." Gerard begged as he pulled Frank impossibly closer. Blood was starting to seep into Gerard's clothes, but he ignored it as he started cradling and kissing Frank's forehead.
"Please, come back. Please!" Gerard screamed as he cradled his presumably dead friend in his arms.
It didn't take long for the paramedics to arrive.
"Sir, please let go we have to get him to a hospital." The man in an EMT uniform begged. Gerard couldn't. He clutched onto Frank like his life depended on it.
"I can't lose him! I can't- I can't lose him! He's all I need!" Gerard screamed in agony as they finally ripped Frank from his grasp. The blood that had seeped into Gerard's clothes felt as though it were burning his skin.
Felt as though the crimson liquid was going to swallow him whole. He did this. He's to blame. The river of pain and despair he created was now flooding the bathroom floor and burning his skin.
He was getting what he deserved.
"Hello again Frank, how are you feeling?" Nurse Lindsey asked, smiling sadly as she walked through the door with Mikey trailing behind her.
"Fine, I would just like to go home."
"And you will soon." She smiles.
"Thank you," I praised quietly. Lindsey smiled one of her infamous smiles as her cheeks tinted red. "For everything." I add sheepishly. Lindsey's blushed matched her red lipstick as she attempted to hide her face. She's very humble, I admire that.
"My pleasure." She mumbled as she walked around my bed and checked a few things on the monitor. "I'll be back in a few with your clothes and release forms, is there a parent or legal guardian present to fill them out?" She asked.
"I can call my mom." Mikey suggests.
"Is she a legal guardian?" Lindsey questioned.
"Sure." Mikey nods. Lindsey shrugged before leaving.
We sit in silence for a couple minutes, the only sound in the room is the constant beeping of my machine and the soft sound of Gerard's snores.
"My mom will be here soon to fill out papers." Mikey informed. I hummed in response.
Not much later nurse Lindsey came back in and flipped on the light, which caused Gerard to startle awake and slurring 'what's wrong?'. Everyone ignored him as Lindsey hands a clipboard full of paperwork to Mikey.
"Here are your clothes, we did you a favor and washed them." She noted, handing me my clothes. "I'll step out for you to change, then we'll wait for the paperwork, and you are good to go." She says as Gerard stands up and stretches up towards the ceiling, letting out a small groan. I nod as Lindsey steps out, then proceeding to pull off my hospital gown with shaky hands.
Mikey stands by my bed as he hands me my shirt. I carefully try to pull it on over my head, but it's harder than I expected.
"C-can uh, someone help me?" I ask with my shirt over my face. My question was answered as I felt cold hands run up my sides and pull down the remainder of my shirt. Once my head was through the right hole, I realized the hands belonged to none other than Gerard. Gerard carefully unfolded my jeans, but before I could throw off my blanket, Mikey quickly stopped me.
"You're completely naked under there." He warned. I felt the blush creep up my face. Well, that just made this even harder.
"Uh, hand me my boxers and I'll try to put them on under the blanket." I suggest as Gerard handed me them. He tried his best not to look me in the eye. This is embarrassing for all of us, me especially. I struggled under the cover to get my underwear on at least over my knees. It took all my strength just to get them up over my thighs, and I'm already starting to sweat. How much blood did I lose?
"I can't get them up over my thighs." I pant, already out of breath. I stare at them both in embarrassment. Mikey turned on his heel and walked over to the chair Gerard was formally sitting in.
"I am not in this." Mikey declared as he ran a hand through his messy brown hair. Gerard cleared his throat as he stared down at me.
"Uh, cover up your uh, areas and I'll do my best." Gerard instructs. His face looked about as red as his hair. I cover myself with my pants and pull off the blanket. Half of my thighs are covered and my hips are fully exposed. Oh god, what if he sees my butt?!
"Ok, so uh, lift your hips and I'll try to pull them up." He says reaching his hands down to my boxers that are mid way up my thighs.
"Don't look at my butt!" I blurt out. Mikey chuckles in the background and Gerard's blush intensifies.
"Ok, one, two, three!" He says as I lift my hips and he pulls my boxers up the rest of the way. I flopped back down on the bed once he released them with a snap.
"There, that wasn't so bad." Gerard smiled, sounding victorious as he placed his hands on his hips. I gave a nervous laugh as I unbuttoned my pants. I think I have reached a new low. This wouldn't be as embarrassing if it wasn't fucking Gerard Way helping me get dressed. I attempted to slip them on, but stopping as I pulled them to my knees. Goddammit.. I looked up at Gerard with a look of defeat.
Gerard stepped forward and we repeated the same process again. This time I didn't have to worry about him seeing my ass. I lifted my hips again and Gerard quickly pulled my jeans up, but this time he accidentally touched my butt. I felt my face flush and Gerard looked as though he had just murdered someone.
S-sorry." He stutters.
"Oh, no it's fine." I wave awkwardly. That- that came out wrong? Whoops, I just touched your ass. No, it's fine wink wonk.. Frank, get it together.
"Could you two stop flirting, so we can leave?" Mikey scoffed, looking highly irritated. Mikey got up and walked out into the hallway with the clipboard in hand. Looks like the Way brothers are equally sassy. Diva brothers.. Gay Ways.. Frank stop. Outside, I caught site of Donna and Lindsey.
"So, uh how are you?" I asked once we were alone, even though I already knew the answer. Gerard glance at me through his tear stained eyes.
"I could be better." He admitted as he sat down on the edge of the bed. I smiled sympathetically.
"Me too." I agreed, letting the room fall silent. I could assume outside, Donna was filling out paperwork and Lindsey and Mikey were probably explaining what had happened. Great.. The silence seemed louder than anything. Surprisingly, Gerard was the first to break the silent air.
"Frank, you do know you can talk to me, right?" Gerard asked quietly. He wouldn't look up to meet my gaze, but I listened to what he had to say anyway. "I know I'm probably not your first option, considering the things I've done in the past, but I'll always be there for you." Gerard smiled sadly as he placed a comforting hand on my knee, finally looking up at me. To put it simply, he looked like hell. His cheeks were red and blotchy and his eyes were still glossy and a bit puffy from crying.
"You don't have to worry, Gerard. I'm fine." I lied. I was far from fine and today only made things worse. Who knows what I was in store for when I got home.
"I find that hard to believe." Gerard sighed. He was pushing me. No, he's not allowed to push me like this. He doesn't have the right.
"And I find you hard to believe." I snap. Gerard took in a deep breath.
"Fine." He said calmly as he stood back up, letting the room fall silent again. Maybe I was too harsh? Fuck, no he's not speaking to me. Why did I have to go out and ruin it? I watched as Gerard walked back across the room and sat down in the chair he occupied before. He didn't even glance at me. Fuck, it's never good when he goes silent.
Luckily, Lindsey, Mikey and now Donna came back in, saving me from my thoughts and the silence between us.
"Alright Frank, you're free to go." Lindsey smiled as she removed my IV. "Change the bandages every few hours or if need be, I just need you to sign this and you'll be on your way." She informed me.
"I'm going to go pull the car around front." Donna said as she walked back out of the room.
I thought putting on my clothes was hard, well now I have to fucking walk. I stood up as gracefully as I could manage. To be honest, a newborn moose has more grace than me.
Once in the hall I clung to the wall for support as I walked. I leaned against a wall and balanced myself as Gerard and Mikey continued to walk on. I stumbled down the hall until I tripped and fell to my knees. I let out a groan and Mikey and Gerard both snapped their heads back at me and rushed over.
"Shit, sorry I forgot." Gerard cursed under his breath as he helped me back to me feet. I leaned against him for support, draping my arm around his shoulders and grasped his hand, which was around my waist as he helped me walk. Aren't hospitals supposed to wheel you out in wheelchairs? Well, this is New Jersey and I can handle this my damn self. The whole time Mikey was snickering behind us until we finally got to the car. Gerard helped me into the backseat, before finally settling in beside me.
It was a mostly a silent car ride home, the radio playing softly in the background. I insisted on Gerard staying in the car because I felt confident enough to walk now, but he glanced at the stairs from the window and laughed.
"Come on. " He chuckled as he guided me up the stairs. Alright, fine he wins. Maybe I do need his help. Once we made it to the top of the steps, Gerard stepped away from me and stood there awkwardly.
"Well, uh see you tomorrow?" Gerard asked. He was so awkward it hurt.
"Yeah, and thank you for everything." I add.
"Oh, no don't thank me, thank Mikey." He said rubbing the back of his neck. Is he- is he being humble? Whoa.
"Bullshit, Mikey told me everything," I blurt out. Quickly after saying that I realized I was a bit blunt. "And I'm sorry." I apologized. Gerard nodded as he looked down at his feet. Jesus, why am I so emotional today? He's doing something to me I swear. Again, something came over me as I pulled Gerard in for a hug. Alright, maybe that was a step too far, but I think everyone needs a hug right now. Including me. "I'm fucking sorry." I mumble into his shoulder as I felt the tears brim my eyes again.
I held us there for a moment longer than expected, but then finally pulled away realizing this was getting even more awkward.
"Well, I should get going now." Gerard sighed, worrying on his bottom lip.
"Yeah, uh, see you around then." I say placing a hand on the doorknob. I was a little anxious about what was on the other side of that door. It may sound weird, but I didn't really want Gerard to leave. I didn't want to face what was on the other side of that door.
"Yeah." Gerard smiled as he walked back down the stairs. I smiled and waved one last time as I watched them drive away. Now, it's time to face my fear.
I opened the door to reveal that inside was a war zone. Broken glass scattered the floor and loud banging noises were emerging from the kitchen.
"Mom?" I called out. She then appeared out from the kitchen with a wine bottle in her hand.
"How fucking could you, Frank? Don't you ever stop to think about other people? Now, I have to waste more money on you with the hospital bill because you can get your shit together!" She yelled. I didn't want another fight to break out, but I couldn't help myself as rage consumed me. What was I supposed to do? Stand there and let her insult me?
"Wait, I almost fucking died and you're worried about money!" I shout in disbelief.
"Don't use that tone with me!" She yelled back. Are you kidding me?
"What tone should I fucking use then? You don't fucking care about me, nobody cares! You're a lousy excuse of a mother and I'll be damned if I call you mine!" I scream. Silence falls over the both of us.
"Get out." She murmurs.
"What?" I breathe.
"I said get out!" She yells throwing her wine bottle at me. I ducked fortunately as it burst on the wall behind me. The red liquid ran down the wall and pooled on the floor, making more of a mess. Time seemed to blur as she opened the door and started pushing me out.
"And don't fucking come back!" She spat as she shoved me, causing me to stumble back and fall backwards down the stairs. I landed on the ground and groaned in agonizing pain. I somehow managed to stand on my feet, but my balance didn't last long and I fell back down onto ground. Fuck. I rolled onto my back, letting the pain radiate up my body. The sun is setting and I can't even walk, not to mention it's getting cold fast.
I sat there and thought of what to do. Tears started streaming down my eyes as I pulled out my phone. My only fucking option is the Ways'. The first contact I saw was Donna's.
"Frank? What's wrong?" She asks in a soft voice.
"I-I'm s-sorry to disturb you, b-but my mom kicked me out and I fell down the stairs and I can't walk, and I n-need a place to stay for the n-night before I can find a place to stay or s-something." I hiss in pain into the phone, my voice wavering.
"Oh my gosh, Frank, I'll be right there, where are you?" She asked in a panicked tone.
"E-end of my road." I stuttered.
"Stay right there." She says as she hung up. I pulled my arms into my shirt for warmth.
Within twenty minutes, Donna finally arrived. She quickly got out and helped me into the back seat, where I laid down.
"I'm sorry I took so long, Gerard was having another one of his moments and didn't want anyone over, now he feels bad after I explained to him what happened, but he's so damn stubborn." Donna explained hurriedly.
"I-It's only f-for one n-night, I'll find somewhere." I stammer.
"Oh honey don't worry, he's just a pain in the ass, stay as long as you need." She assured, looking back at me in the rearview mirror.
"T-thank you." I say, deciding not to argue.
We arrived at their house and I made my best attempts at getting up the stairs by myself, but failed as Donna generously placed her hand on my back and helped me up the rest of the way. I stumbled a few steps, but eventually made it up.
Once inside, I went to walk over to the sectional, which was most likely where I'd be sleeping for the night, since the stairs were a bit of a fucking problem, but Donna stopped me.
"You can sleep in the spare bedroom, it's practically yours anyway." She smiled softly.
"Oh no, it's fine I don't want to dirty the sheets and-" My words were suddenly cut off.
"Just take the fucking room, Frank." A voice interrupted from the top of the staircase. It was Gerard. Of course. He was leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. He was wearing the same Star Wars pajamas pants and Misfits t-shirt.
Donna wasn't lying when he said he was having a moment. He went from calm and caring at the hospital to 'take the fucking room, bitch.' Gerard amazes me.
"Gerard! Watch your language!" Donna snapped at him. Gerard rolled his eyes then, gazed back at me.
"You know the drill, stay out of the room with the black door and my room." He states as he watches me make my way to the base of the stairs. And just like that, we're back to normal. I'm the scum under Gerard's feet and he thinks nothing of me. Great. To be honest, what did I expect? We'd become the bestest of friends and buy a house together and hell, adopt two cats? Ha, that's funny.
"Don't worry, I can barely walk to the bathroom let alone your precious art room." I groan as I stumble up the stairs, clinging to the railing.
To my embarrassment, I trip and fall. Donna gasps behind me and Gerard wastes no time in racing down to help me. He quickly wrapped his arms around my shoulders and hoisted me up. I knew he couldn't stay mad at me for long. I smirked to myself as I leaned against him again for support. Have I ever mentioned how good Gerard smells? He's like a soft and squishy, coffee bean. All in all Gerard smells really good.
Gerard helped me up the rest of the stairs and down the hall into the spare bedroom. The room was exactly how I left it the morning we went to go see Mikey in the hospital.
"I figured you'd be back sometime, so I left the sheets on." Gerard explained as he helped me into bed. I unbuttoned my pants and managed to shimmy them off. Thankfully, Gerard pulled them off the rest of the way before I had to silently ask him for help. Gerard practically tucked me in, even though I was fully capable of doing it myself. Soon enough, we both noticed Donna standing in the doorway with a soft smile on her face as she watched us.
"Well, uh, I'll be in my room, night Frank." He waved.
"Night." I mumbled as he walked out. Donna came in and sat down on the edge of my bed.
"Frank, you do know that you can stay here for as long as you want? Move in if need be." She said placing a hand on my knee. My eyes widen. I couldn't possibly move in. Could I?
"Oh no, I don't want to be a burden, I've already been enough trouble already. I'll find somewhere tomorrow after school." I assured. That's a lie. I can find a cardboard box though.
"You don't have to go to school tomorrow, you can stay home, besides tomorrow's Friday." She explained. "I think you need to stay here for a while anyway, it can be just like old times when you were younger." She smiled.
"I appreciate your help, you guys have been more of a family to me then she ever has." I laugh. Donna did to.
"Well, not everyone can be as cool as me." She smiled standing back up. "Get some sleep." She said tousling my hair.
"Night." I say as she shuts the door behind her. I sighed into the dark room.
There was nothing to distract me and I wasn't even tired. Well, that's a lie, I'm kinda tired.
Eventually, I fell asleep with in thing on my mind.
What the hell am I going to do?
Chapter 12: Cause You Always Look Mad When You're Dreaming
Trigger Warning. Mentions of rape, drug abuse, and eating disorders.
I woke up the next day to loud thunder and heavy rain. What the hell, do we live in London? Because it never seems to stop fucking raining. I sat up and slowly placed my feet on the ground. I could walk fine, just a little stumbles here and there. I carefully walked down the stairs and into the kitchen where everyone was sitting at the breakfast bar. Damn, they still haven't left for school yet?
"Oh, good morning, Frank." Donna greeted, sounding surprised to see me.
"What time is it?" I ask.
"Going on seven, I was about to take the boys to school and let you sleep." She explained as I took the only empty seat that happened to be beside Gerard. As I sat down, he pushed a mug over to me and he watched me from the corner of his eye with his mug raised to his lips. I pretended as if I didn't see him looking at me and swallowed my disappointment as I brought the mug up to my lips. I was very picky when it comes to my coffee, and I was positive Gerard or whoever, didn't make it right. But when I took a sip I almost choked in surprise.
"Three sugars and two tablespoons of hazelnut coffee creamer, exact." Gerard listed, turning his head slightly over to me.
"You remembered?" I asked in astonishment.
"I remember little things." Gerard smiled as he finished off his coffee.
*Four years ago*
"You boys are fourteen, right? Why are you drinking coffee?" Donna asked as she poured the black liquid into both mugs.
"I'm tired." Gerard reasoned.
"I like the way it taste." Frank shrugs.
"How'd you sleep, Frank?" Donna asked.
"Good, little creeped out, but that's probably because I've never slept here before." Frank explained. Gerard scoffed.
"Hopefully, you won't have to again." He rolled his eyes as Donna handed him his plain, black coffee.
"Gerard, manners." Donna warned. "Frank, how do you like your coffee?" Donna asked.
"Three sugars and two tablespoons of hazelnut coffee creamer, exact." Frank informed.
"Jesus, picky much?" Gerard groaned. Both Donna and Frank ignored him as Donna made Frank's coffee.
"Thank you." Frank said as Donna handed him his mug.
"Oh Frank, your mom called earlier this morning, she figured you'd be here, she asked if you were okay." Donna informed.
"What did you tell her?" I asked. Gerard muffled a laugh, which made me a little concerned about what happened while I was asleep.
"I said, well I probably shouldn't have, but I told her that you're fine, after I basically carried you into the house, and I told her if she was anything of a mother she should would have been concerned for you when you came home from the hospital, instead of the bill. I also called her a low life excuse of a parent, and said that you're better off living with us." She concluded.
My jaw dropped in shock. I've never seen or heard Donna talk to someone like that. I could see Gerard smirking out of the corner of my eye.
"Y-you said all that?" I asked in shock.
"I understand if you're mad and want to leave-" I cut her off.
"You kidding me? I would never want to go back there, thank you actually." I smile.
Donna chuckled. "She asked when you'll be by to pick up your stuff." Donna said. I froze.
"Wait, you're seriously letting me move in? No, I can't do that to you, I'm too much of a burden. It's fine, I'll figure something out by the end of the-" Gerard cut off my words by covering my mouth with his hand.
"You're moving in with us, Frank, you're going to stay with us until you go to college or graduate or find a place of your own. Just like Mikey and I will, you're now a resident of the Way household." He finished removing his hand.
I was left speechless.
"After school all of us are going over to go get your things." Mikey spoke up. "But we gotta go, so come on." He said pulling Gerard out of his chair. Donna followed them out the door.
"Feel free to make yourself at home, I'll be back soon." Donna smiled as she shut the door behind her.
I spent all day on the couch watching cartoons. Well, not all day. I did shower. Once it was time to go pick up Gerard and Mikey, I was all ready for packing up what little stuff I owned.
"All you need is two boxes?" Donna asked.
"Yeah, I have suitcases in my closet for my clothes." I explained.
"Alright well, let's go." She sighed.
I road in the backseat because I knew Gerard was going to want to sit in the front seat. When we pulled up in the school parking lot, Mikey and Gerard sat on the bench outside. To my surprise, Gerard climbed in the backseat with me as Mikey took the front.
"How was your day?" Donna asked to no one in particular.
"Just peachy." Mikey glared at Gerard. I raised an eyebrow in confusion as Gerard mumbled 'shut the fuck up' under his breath, towards Mikey. Well then..
"So Frank, ready to move in?" Gerard said turning his attention towards me and ignoring Mikey.
"Sure." I answer.
There was an awkward silence that filled the car not long after that. Something weird was going on between Mikey and Gerard. I wondered what happened at school today while I was at home watching cartoons? I shrugged, dismissing the thought. Mikey would tell me if it's important.
We were already halfway to my soon to be old house. Gerard, Mikey and I, were all going to pack up as much as we could into the two boxes Donna provided, and the few suitcases in my closet. Luckily, I don't have that much stuff, so this shouldn't take long. Donna didn't want to go in and face my mom after what she said, so she stayed in the car. She pulled into the driveway, and we all filed out and walked to the porch.
I knocked on the door and waited. After a while of no answer, I assumed she was either passed out drunk or not home. I turned to Gerard as he was already going over to the specific flower pot for the spare key.
"Uh, Frank?" Gerard spoke up.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"The key is gone." He said.
"What? No." I scoffed, looking under other pots. Panic started to build in my chest. This can't be happening, but it was. The key was gone.
"Shit." I mutter.
"Well, how are we supposed to get in now?" Mikey groaned.
"I've got an idea." Gerard said suddenly. Mikey and I followed Gerard as he walked down the stairs and into the small alleyway outside my window. "Alright, here's the plan, you're going to climb in the window and unlock the front door, so we can get this show on the road." Gerard explained.
"Foolproof!" Mikey clapped sarcastically. "Just one problem Ron Weasley, what if the window is locked?" Mikey asked. Gerard glared at Mikey. Ha, I get it. Ron Weasley because he has red hair. This is why I'm a loner.
"Calm down ladies, I never lock my window." I state.
"How the fuck did you sleep at night? I can't sleep if my door is even cracked." Mikey questioned.
"Now that I think of it, I have no idea." I shrug.
"Alright, we can have story time later." Gerard chimed in.
"Okay, boost me up?" I asked. We all know I've never been one for elegance, so this could either end bad, or very bad. Unfortunately, I'm the smallest one out of the three of us, so that means I'm going through the window. Mikey bent down and cupped his hands together. Gerard linked one of his hands with Mikey's and used the other to help me balance myself. I wobbled a bit, but luckily Gerard's hand steadied me so I wouldn't fall.
"You're so short it's cute." Gerard laughed as I opened the window. I scoffed at his comment.
"On three." Mikey groaned.
"Okay, one, two, three!" They shouted. With that, I jumped up in through the window, with some help of course. Mikey pushed my legs up and in the window, and Gerard... Gerard pushed my butt up and in through the window. I landed in the room with a thud.
"Ouch, my ass." I hiss, standing up. "Alright, run around front and I'll met you there." I instruct as they hurried off. I walked down the hall and peeked my head into my mom's room. She wasn't there. I walked into the living room and she was nowhere to be found. Must not be home. Who knows where she is? Quite honestly, I don't care, but I want to be done and out of here before she comes back.
I unlocked the front door and let Gerard and Mikey in. Both of them had grabbed the boxes from the car. I lead them both to my room. Once inside, we all took our separate ways. I started at my dresser, Mikey was in the closet and Gerard was at my desk.
I looked over at Gerard, who was carefully pulling out my all art supplies that I haven't touched in years. When I was a kid I thought I wanted to be an artist, so my mom went out and bought me all new art supplies. Then, I decided I liked writing better and I used all my school notebooks to write down song lyrics, poems and short stories. Turns out poetry was kinda my thing, but then one day I found my dad's old guitar in the shed and decided to start writing music.
Gerard started making piles of sketch books, paints, pencils, pastels, excetra and placing them into one of the two boxes. Luckily, everything fit into the box, considering we only have two.
Mikey had completely cleared out my closet and folded all my shirts and placed them in the suitcases he found. I practically dumped all my clothes into the other suitcase not bothering to fold them, which highly irritated Mikey. After that, Mikey was taking posters off the walls and rolling them up.
"Wow, you didn't take long to get out of the closet." I joke. Mikey scowled at me.
"Frank, I've spent most of my life in the closet, I don't want to spend much time back in it." Mikey sighed. "I should be the one telling you to come out of the closet." Mikey snickered. I noticed Gerard's head snap up from where he was working. My face paled. Things were just starting to become good between Gerard and I. Mikey better not mess it up, since I'm going to be living with them for a while now.
"Real funny." I say through gritted teeth. Mikey smirked. He was the only one that knew I was gay. Well, besides Jamia, my mom and possibly Donna. Mikey better not make me regret telling him.
"Not trying to be funny, Frank, I sense my own." Mikey grinned. Gerard was now staring at us, but I couldn't tell if he was angry. I smacked Mikey hard on the arm.
"It's not nice to call people names, Mikey." I say sternly. Mikey raised his arms in defence and shrugged.
"Okay, have it your way." He said going back to rolling up posters.
I finished with my clothes, and watched Gerard carefully as he worked around my desk. Not that I didn't trust him. No, that's a lie, I completely didn't trust him. So yes, I was on edge that he was snooping around my desk. My anxiety seemed to go through the roof as his hand went for the drawer that contained things I've already explained before. Things I did not want Gerard or Mikey going through. Especially, since Gerard has gotten on me about smoking, ever since Mikey was released. If neither of them liked smoking, they're definitely not going to like razor blades and Xanax.
He was about to open it, but then he backed his hand away awkwardly, and turned to me. He then stood up from the chair he was sitting in, and motioned for me to finish cleaning it out. I grabbed my backpack from the corner of the room, and placed the items inside it quickly, without either of them noticing.
We finished packing with a total of the two boxes, two suitcases and a Mikey with a handful of posters. I put my guitar in its case, and struggled with the amp. I saved that for last and helped carry the boxes and suitcases out to the car. I went back inside and grabbed my guitar case and slug in over my shoulder, and heaved the amp down the hall.
I stopped in the kitchen and left a note that simply read:
'We both get what we want in the end. Don't come looking for me. I just can't seem to get my shit together. Not now, not ever.
xo - frnk'
That night was spent with the three of us sorting out my room. I was currently standing on my bed trying to pin up the last poster. I've failed for the third time now. I flopped down on the bed with a soft 'humph'. My face was already glistening with sweat.
"I give up." I pant. Gerard pulls his attention away from my new desk and snickers at me. Mikey was too busy being the organized, clean freak that he is to acknowledge us as he sorted my clothes into their respective drawers. He even color coded my shirts in the closet, even though most of them were black.
"Boys, dinner!" Donna yelled from the bottom of the stairs.
"I'll worry about you later." I scowl at the poster, then followed Gerard and Mikey down the stairs. We all sat at the table, I was next to Gerard again, Mikey was in front of me, and Donna was in front of Gerard. Looks like we've silently assigned everyone to their respective seats.
"Hope you like spaghetti, it's been sitting in the cabinet for a while now." Donna explained.
"That's fine, I'm starving." I said digging in.
We ate dinner in silence mostly, but not an awkward silence. A comfortable silence. Apparently, I wasn't the only one that was hungry. I was now making my way through my third bowl, Mikey was still finishing his second, but Gerard... Gerard had only had two or three bites.
"Does anyone want the rest of mine? I'm not that hungry." Gerard asked.
"Are you sure? I can save it for you for later." Donna suggested.
"Yeah sure that's fine." Gerard mumbled as he pushed his plate away and walked back upstairs. Soon after that I was getting full myself.
"I'm actually getting pretty fully." I said putting my bowl in the sink. Mikey and Donna nodded.
"I'll be up in a minute." Mikey said as he made his third bowl. I nodded and made my way back up stairs. As I walked down the hallway towards my room, I couldn't help but stop outside the bathroom door. Was that gagging I heard? I heard it again, followed by a series of coughing noises. I decided to knock on the door.
"Gerard, you okay?" I asked. Suddenly, the sounds ceased. "Gerard?" I asked again. No answer. Except the sounds of him spitting. I tried the doorknob and luckily, it was unlocked. I opened the door and was hit with a wave of heavy air that reeked of vomit.
"Oh god, Gerard." I cough as I look down at him sprawled over the toilet. "Gerard, what the fuck-"
"Get out." He cuts me off.
"What are you doing?" I choke.
"Get out." He reiterates as he raises his voice and stumbles to his feet.
"Gee-" He cuts me off as he pushes me out the door. "Gerard!" I bang on the door. I tried the doorknob again. Locked. "Fuck." I mutter under my breath.
Why would he do that? I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm pretty sure I know what Gerard is doing.
He's starving himself.
My mind raced as I thought about all the signs that I just blew off as nothing. How could I be so blind? He barely ate, he didn't even eat at lunch, his lips are always chapped, not to mention his bones stuck out a bit more than they should. Now this? I felt like shit. Gerard may not have been the best person to me in the past, but I'll be damned if I let him do this to himself.
I sighed as I walked back to my room. There's no point in fighting a locked door. When I walked through my bedroom door I didn't expect to see Mikey in there. I expected to see him finishing up my clothes, but no.
Mikey was looking through my backpack and and pulling out my pills and blades.
"Frank." Mikey's voice wavered. "What the fuck is this?" Mikey asked in a calm, but angry tone.
"It's uh, I wasn't planning anything erm, that's not-" I stumbled on my words. I could feel the heat rising in my face.
"Why do you have these?" Mikey asked, trying to keep calm.
"It's just I uh, use them on occasion, but don't worry I'm fine, really it's nothing." I stammer.
"Nothing?" Gerard suddenly asked angrily from behind me. "Frank, do you have any idea what that shit does to you?" Gerard asked, grabbing my shoulders roughly, and turning me towards him.
"You're one to talk, do I need to remind you what I walked in on you doing in the bathroom?" I shot back. Gerard's eyes widen and filled with rage. I haven't seen this look in his eyes in a long time. The last time I did- well, let's not reflect on that..
"What the fuck is he talking about, Gerard?" Mikey spat. Gerard kept a tight grip on my shoulders as he looked over at Mikey. The once rage that filled his eyes was now replaced with pure hurt. A few tears spilled down his cheeks as Mikey glared at Gerard.
Suddenly, Gerard let go of me and shoved me hard as he wiped his tears.
"Get rid of them." Gerard whispered as he stormed out.
"Gerard-" but he wouldn't let me speak.
"Now!" He yelled over me.
I looked back over to Mikey who still held all the contents.
"Gerard doesn't take that stuff lightly." Mikey said more calmly as he sat down on the bed, patting the space beside him. I took a seat and he sighed looking down. "You know you can tell me anything, right? Or even my mom." Mikey said. I nodded.
"I know." I said quietly. Mikey sighed.
"Frank, do you know why Gerard takes this kind of thing seriously?" Mikey asked. I shook my head.
"Well, after our dad died he got severely depressed, around the time you moved here he bought some prescription drugs off a high-schooler." There was a long pause. "Then, he overdosed and he was so close to dying that when he woke up, he stopped completely, but the shit fucked with his memory." Mikey explained.
"I didn't know." I dejected.
"I know you didn't. How about we get rid of these for good, yeah?" Mikey suggested. I nodded my head and followed him to the bathroom. Mikey poured all the pills from the bottles into the toilet.
"Now flush it." He instructed. I reached out a shaky hand and pressed the button and watched all of them swirl down the drain. "I'll take care of the blades too." He said leading me out if the bathroom.
Mikey finished with my clothes and I finished decorating.
"I'm going to take another shower, I feel like shit." I say, grabbing my pajamas and going to the bathroom. Mikey nodded as he shut my bedroom door and walked to his room.
Once the water temperature was right, I stepped in letting the warm water hit my skin. I tilted my head back and let the water soak my hair. I took a deep breath in, letting everything wash away. I just want today to be over.
Once I was finished, I got out and dressed in my Batman pajama pants and a grey Nirvana t-shirt.
I sighed as I plopped down on my bed. It wasn't even that late and I was already tired. I crawled under the covers, deciding it was going to be an early night for me.
As I drifted off to sleep, I couldn't take my mind off Gerard. I never thought he would do something so serious like starving himself. I knew he was suicidal, but to take it that far? It scared me to think about what could happen to him if he continued. Everything Mikey told me was burned into my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about the 'what ifs'. What if Gerard didn't wake up? What if he continued starving himself without me knowing?
I let the thoughts stick in my mind as I finally fell asleep.
"Promise me you won't tell?" The man asked as he kept his hand placed over my mouth.
I tried moving away again, but he stopped me. He then grabbed me in places he shouldn't and squeezed. I tried kicking away, but it was no use. I was completely naked now.
"You're going to have to be extra quiet if you don't want your dad to hear." He explained. The tears couldn't seem to stop streaming down my face. "Don't tell your dad or you'll be sorry." He warned as he started pulling down his own pants.
And I didn't. I didn't tell my dad. He never knew what happened that night. I kept screaming 'no' into his hand, but it was no use. No one could hear me.
"Frank, wake up, it's okay." Gerard whispered, shaking me awake from that horrible memory. My body was shaking uncontrollably and my whole body was in a cold sweat. I looked around the room, just to make sure I was in my room. Gerard had his hand placed on my shoulder as he kneeled down by my bed. I stared at him in fear.
"Frank, it's okay it was just a bad dream." He soothed, pushing my sweat-slicked, hair off my face. My breathing slowed down a bit and I was starting to calm down.
"D-did I wake y-you?" I stammer.
"No, I just got up to get some water and I heard you crying, so I came in to make sure you were alright." Gerard explained.
"Thank you." I whisper as I grasped his hand, trying to stop shaking from the memory. Gerard rested his chin on the bed as he held my hand.
"Are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?" He asked.
"Not right now, just stay here for a minute." I breathe. And he did. He stayed with me. He held my trembling hand and pushed my sweat-drenched hair off my face. He even sat up on the bed with me as I clung to his torso in fear.
"Frank?" Gerard spoke up.
"Do you need me to get you anything? Help you go back to sleep maybe?" He suggested.
"It's okay, I'm fine now." I lied.
"Are you sure? I'll do anything." Gerard asked. Well, now that he mentions it I had one idea in mind, but I'm not sure how he'd take it. So, I just bit the bullet and asked.
"Sing to me?" I asked.
"O-okay, what do you want me to sing?" He asked. Wow, that went better than I expected.
"Anything." I answer. I felt Gerard's body shift slightly as he cleared his throat.
If I wasn't so exhausted I would have been blown away by how amazing his voice was. Of course, I've heard Gerard sing before, but that was years ago. I could probably listen to him all night if I wasn't so tired.
"So long to all of my friends
Everyone of them met tragic ends
With every passing day
I'd be lying if I didn't say
That I miss them all tonight
And if they only knew what I would say." Gerard sang.
I could feel my eyes getting heavier as I closed them. I loosened my grip on Gerard's torso. At this rate, I'll be asleep in no time.
"If I could be with you tonight
I would sing you to sleep
Never let them take the light behind your eyes." Gerard sang as he slithered out from my grasp and made it back on his knees, on the floor. I was too tired to protest. He continued singing as he stroked the back of my hand with his thumb.
"One day I'll lose this fight," he continued to sing. He stroked my hair softly leaving me in goosebumps. I felt warm and fuzzy inside because of his touch. I shouldn't feel this way towards Gerard, but I'm tired, and don't care.
"As we fade in the dark,
Just remember you will always burn as bright." He sang. He then, unwrapped his hand from mine and stood up. He pushed my hair back once more.
What he did next took me by surprise.
He kissed the top of my forehead.
"The light behind your eyes." He sang ever so softly. After that, he tiptoed out and shut the door softly behind him. I had so many thoughts and questions running through my head, but the noise faded as I drifted back off to sleep.
This book is now all caught up, Updates will slow down because I update Wattpad first. If you'd like to read the next chapter when it comes out and not have to wait, you can find this book on my profile @witchboyway on Wattpad. Thanks xoxo Jasper.
Chapter 13: My Love And My Hate For You Are Infinite
Trigger Warning. Mentions of eating disorders.
Today is the day, I thought as I made my way down stairs. I was going to come out to Gerard. It can't end too bad, right? I mean after all that happened last night and before then, what's the worst that could happen?
Gerard was sitting on the sectional watching something on TV. I stumbled into the kitchen to make myself some coffee, then walked back into the living room, plunking down on the couch next to Gerard.
"Good afternoon." Gerard smiled.
"Umph." I groaned.
"You seem in a great mood." He said exaggerated.
"Where is everyone?" I asked, ignoring his comment.
"Mom went to the store and Mikey tagged along." He explained.
"Why didn't you wake me?" I whined.
"You were sleeping and it's a Saturday." He reasoned. Should I do it now? No. Yes. Oh, I don't know!
"Why are you blushing?" Gerard asked. I didn't even realize I was. Oh shit.
"N-no reason." I stammer.
"That doesn't sound very convincing." He chuckled
"I-It's nothing, trust me." I lied. Fucking whimp.
"Then if it's nothing tell me." He pestered. Oh y'know it's just I'm fucking gay as hell. I laughed to myself. Suddenly, Donna came through the door with Mikey trailing behind her. Bless you, Donna.
"Hello, we're back." Donna sighed as she shuffled through the door with bags in her hands. She's a lifesaver. I quickly stood up.
"Need help with those?" I asked hurriedly.
"Oh thank you, there's more in the car." She informed. I nodded and quickly ran out the door, almost bumping into Mikey. I took my time as I grabbed a handful of bags from the trunk. What if Gerard keeps pestering me? Today is the day, Frank. You're gonna tell him you're a flaming homosexual. Well, maybe not those exact words, but still.
As I made my way back inside, I noticed from the corner of my eye Gerard staring at me in confusion as I ran through the living room, trying to avoid him. I even helped put them away just to avoid him, but then my weakness soon came forth.
The top shelf.
I held the cereal box in my hand, and glared up at the top shelf. Even as I got on my tip toes, and jumped like a child, I still couldn't reach it. Damn you mother for giving me midget legs. After awhile I sighed in defeat.
"Does tiny elf man need help?" Gerard asked from behind me. I turned around and came face to face with him. He had his arms crossed over his chest and a smirk played across his face as he stared down at me.
I didn't expect to see him there. I felt blush rise up in my face. God, just go away for a second I'm trying to contain my gay. I handed him the box and was about to step out of the way, but he quickly closed the gap between us before I could escape. He pressed his body against mine and leaned forward as he put the box up. This would definitely not be a great time to pop a boner. Frank, contain it. I could feel my face burning red. Gerard stepped back with an even wider smirk plastered across his face.
"You're blushing again." He teased, before turning on his heel and walking out. Thank god he didn't stick around to ask questions. The only thing that would come from my mouth is gibberish.
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I spent most of the day avoiding Gerard. Which wasn't difficult, until it was time for dinner.
Although, I wasn't thinking about Gerard when we all sat down at the table. Well I was, but not in the way you think. I was watching for signs. I already knew Gerard had an eating disorder, but I wanted to see all the signs I missed before.
Donna did most of the talking. Mikey was too busy stuffing his face like usual to really care and I ate at a moderate pace, but once again, Gerard hardly ate anything.
"I'm done." Gerard announced pushing his plate away. Donna sighed.
"At least eat a bit more?" She asked. Gerard twisted his face in disgust and shook his head.
"I'm really full." He shrugged. Mikey glared at him and the same hurt in Gerard's eyes returned. "May I be excused?" He asked. Donna nodded her head sadly and Gerard made his way up stairs. Oh hell no. I put my fork down and turned to Mikey and Donna.
"I'll be right back, duty calls." I lied as I walked quickly up the stairs. Please don't be in the bathroom. Please don't be in the bathroom, I pleaded in my head. My fear unfortunately came true as I knocked on the door.
"One second." He choked. Goddammit.
"Gerard?" I call. A series of gagging came from behind the door. Without thinking, I reached for the doorknob and tried opening it, but to my disappointment it was locked.
"Gerard, open the damn door." I demand.
"Go away, Frank." He coughs. After that there was another series of gagging noises. Fuck it. I brought my foot up and kicked the door down. Thankfully, I didn't cause too much damage, but at the moment I didn't really care. Gerard looked up at me from the floor in shock.
I'm actually surprised Donna or Mikey haven't come up here yet. Knowing Mikey, he probably told her we were having rough sex. This is not the time or place to be making jokes.
I quickly dropped to floor as he slipped his fingers back down his throat. I pulled his hands away from his mouth and away from the toilet.
"Stop." I pleaded as my voice began to shake. I back myself against the wall and kicked the door shut. I pulled Gerard's back against my chest and sat him in between my legs. "Gerard, please." I begged. Gerard's body began to shake as he broke down crying as well.
"I need to." He cried. My stomach churned uneasily. What possessed him to think that? "I'm fat and I'm ugly." He continued. Why would he think that? He's nowhere near close to being even remotely fat and if you ask me he's probably the prettiest boy I've ever seen.
"You're not fat or ugly! Don't-"
"Don't lie to me, you're just saying that, look," he cut me off as he grabbed my hand and slapped it against his stomach. "Fat!" He sobbed. Are you kidding me? If that's what Gerard considers fat than I'm obese.
"Gerard, you are not fat or ugly!" I exclaimed. I didn't know how I could convince Gerard that he was beautiful, but I'll be damned if I don't try.
"Stop acting like you care, if anything you should be enjoy this after everything I've done to you." Gerard sniffed as he wiped his eyes.
"I do care, can't we just move on?" I asked. "You're not ugly or fat, Gee." I stated again. I knew what I was about to say next could potentially ruin everything we've worked on for the past month or so, but dammit Gerard deserves to know someone cares for him.
"I think you're beautiful." I admit quietly. Gerard's body stiffened and I had a gut feeling this was about to take a bad turn. Although, to my surprise, it didn't. Gerard shifted his body to where he was resting his head on my chest and brought his knees into himself. He took in a deep breath and shakily exhaled.
"I think you're beautiful, too." He almost whispered. My stomach filled with what felt like a million butterflies. I knew I shouldn't feel this way, but what was I supposed to do? I haven't even come out to Gerard yet.
"I think you need a shower." I suggest. Gerard takes in another deep breath and nods his head.
"Sure." He says, stumbling to his feet. Without warning, he started taking off his shirt as if I wasn't there.
"Uh, I'll go grab you some clean clothes." I said, before walking out. I shut the now broken bathroom door and walked into Gerard's room, in search for clean clothes. He never really let me in his room, so I had no idea what drawers had what clothes.
In the bottom drawer I found his pants. I swear all he owns his Star Wars pajamas. Although, I did find a pair of black, Castiel pajama pants, so I guess I can't complain. In the drawer above where I found the pants, I opened a messy drawer filled with oversized shirts. Again, I grabbed a random shirt that happened to be, of course Star Wars. The shirt was so big Gerard and I could probably both fit inside. Mikey too possibly.
Once I gathered his clothes, I walked back out into the hallway and to the bathroom. I softly knocked on the door before speaking.
"Are you in?" I asked over the sound of the water running.
"Yes." He croaked. I stepped inside and set his clothes in the sink next to his towel. The steam billowed out through the door and I quickly shut it, not wanting Mikey getting any ideas.
I sat down on the toilet seat. I didn't trust Gerard alone. Silence filled the bathroom the only sound was the water running and Gerard uncapping and capping bottles.
"I feel your presence." Gerard spoke suddenly. I chuckled.
"I thought you knew I was here?" I questioned.
"No, I didn't. I just said that to see if you really were." Gerard explained.
"Oh." I nodded letting the bathroom fell silent again.
"I was gonna play it off as I was singing if you didn't answer back." Gerard laughed, breaking the veil of silence once more.
"Is that so?" I smiled.
"Yeah, but that would have been weird, I never sing in the shower." Gerard reasoned.
"Really?" I asked. Well, add that to the list of things I genuinely didn't know.
"I only sing when I'm alone in my room." Gerard explained. I didn't answer back. I didn't know what to say. After another moment of silence, Gerard spoke again.
"And to you of course." He said quickly. My cheeks flushed.
"Yeah." I breathed. Suddenly, the water stopped running and Gerard stuck his hand out from the shower curtain.
"Towel." He stated. I leaned over and grabbed the towel from the sink and handed it to him. Gerard pulled back the curtain and revealed himself with a towel wrapped around his waist and his red, wet hair ruffled and messy. Dark circles lidded his eyes. I couldn't help but notice the way his hip bones, ribs and especially collarbones, protruded from his skin. It almost brought me to tears just looking at him so unhealthy and damaged. "So, uh can I get dressed or were you expecting a show?" He smirked sarcastically. I felt the blush creep up my neck and into my checks.
"Oh yeah, sorry." I stammered before walking out and shutting the door behind me.
I walked back to my room. After that I didn't speak to Gerard for a while that night. I kept trying to piece together how I was going to come out to Gerard. I don't know why I was overthinking this. Gerard isn't homophobic, right? I mean, Mikey's gay and he loves Mikey with all of his being. And they both ship Destiel. Gerard can't be homophobic, right?
"Breathe." I whisper to myself as I pace back and forth from my bed to the door. "Breathe." I reiterated. Suddenly, there was a knock on my door. "Who is it?" I ask. I glanced at my clock. It was going on seven. The sun was still up, but it was starting to melt into a dark orange.
"Way." The high-pitched voice answered. Yep, that's Gerard for sure.
"I live in a house full of Ways, which one?" I egg on. I heard Gerard groan behind the door.
"Ron Weasley." He grunted. I could hear the eyeroll.
"Oh, come in Gerard." I chuckled nonchalantly. Gerard shut the door behind him as he entered.
"Why are you pacing? I can hear you from the hallway, you have heavy feet." He stated as he sat on the bed. I froze in the middle of the floor. Contain it. Wait, isn't the purpose I'm pacing is to not contain it. Yeah, Gerard I'm a flaming homosexual, how are you?
"Uh." Was all I could manage to say. Good job, Frank. 'E' for effort.
"What?" He asked.
"Nothing." I say quickly. Too quickly. Blushing in three, two, one.
"Come on, Frank," Gerard pleaded. "You've been avoiding me all day and you're blushing again." He pointed out. I sighed as I sat down next to him on the bed.
"Can I tell you something?" I asked. Gerard smiled softly.
"Of course, you know I always appreciate our talks." He smiled. God damn you. Or Chuck in this case. I took in a deep breath. Here goes nothing. Or practically everything. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I was having trouble breathing and my chest felt constricted. Now is not the time to have a fucking panic attack.
"I'm gay." I blurt out. Gerard's whole body stiffened and all emotion washed from his face. I didn't know what to expect.
He wouldn't even look at me. My breathing began to quicken as the silence became deafening.
"Get out." He cut me off in a low voice. My face fell. What? The pain and shock quickly wore off as rage started to consume me. Or maybe it was betrayal.
"What?" I snapped.
"You heard me!" He yelled suddenly.
"The fuck Gerard? Suddenly, I say I'm gay and oh shit, World War Three!" I spat.
"Get the fuck out, Frank." He scoffed.
"Did you treat fucking Mikey like this?" I demanded.
"No, because he's my fucking brother." He yelled.
"Oh, so you're not homophobic to Mikey, but to someone like me, oh no." I yell in disbelief.
"Exactly." He said as his voice began to shake. Oh bitch please, you don't have the fucking right to cry. Although I may have been too enraged to feel anything else but anger, his words felt like daggers to me. I hated it.
"I could have left you on that bathroom floor, I didn't have to leave the dinner table and come check on you, I didn't have to come racing to the hospital to be there for you when Mikey was dying, I didn't have to race to your house in the middle of the fucking night just because you called. I could have simply said, 'karma's a bitch' and left you." I growled as tears began to roll down my face, but they weren't sad tears. No, I wasn't sad because Gerard was telling me to leave. No, I was crying because I hated myself for believing that people could change. I hated how I was stupid enough to trust someone, especially Gerard. I was crying because I hated that I actually thought Gerard was different.
I hated that for a second I actually liked Gerard. I hated that I actually thought that Gerard even remotely liked me back.
I hated Gerard.
"I was right," I laughed, standing up. "You never changed and you never will and I'm finally realizing it now." I shake my head as I wiped my cheeks. I always end up back where I start. Sad and alone. Nothing but hate courses through my veins. Yet I can't help but love it. My love and my hate for you are infinite.
"I hope you're happy now, or at least amused that I fell for your false sense of security." I smile angrily. Gerard's face was blank and expressionless, but his eyes told a different story. Good. Feel sad, I don't give a damn. I hope you regret every word you've ever said. "Find someone else to terrorize and make them believe in your sad little excuse of a life, because I'm done playing your fucked up mind games." I spat as I flung the door open, leaving him there.
I stormed out of the room and down the stairs. I placed my hand on the doorknob to the front door, but before I opened it I turned behind me to see Donna and Mikey looking at me with hurt and confused eyes. I shook my head as I stepped outside. The cold air sent shivers down my spine. Fuck it. I stomped down the stairs and walked down the street. I wasn't leaving. No, Gerard couldn't get that lucky.
I didn't know where the hell I was going I just needed air. Actually, what I need was a fucking cigarette, but that's not going to happen either. I laughed as I wiped the tears from my cheeks. How stupid could I be to think that Gerard actually liked me! Hilarious! It's fucking humorous!
In the midst of frustration, I walked around the block. I didn't even bother grabbing a coat before I left. Wasn't it nearing the middle of October? That means my birthday is coming up soon. Wow, an adult. Looks like I'm really going to have to get my shit together now.
Once I came back in front of the house I was still pissed and hurt. Betrayed. I decided to walk again. Not sure why I just felt like waking it again. It was growing darker and darker and getting colder as the sun was setting. As I came in front of the house again, I noticed Gerard sitting on the front steps.
"Frank." He called out. His voice sounded annoyed but also saddened. Like I give a fuck anymore. "Frank." He called again. I kept walking. Once more around the block won't kill me? I didn't walk around the block though. I kept walking straight. Gerard's voice was now shouting behind me.
I ignored him.
I kept walking.
I didn't go back.
Because I always end up back where I start.
Chapter 14: I Keep My Heart Tied To A Lie
This chapter is a big 'spot the Death Spells (and other Frank solo project) reference' game. Also, how much foreshadowing can Jasper put into one chapter with out giving away the entire plot.
"Honey, I'm home!" I shout as I enter back in the gates of actual hell. I didn't expect her to be home, but who knows. Today is just full of surprises.
Suddenly, she appeared as she walked out from the hallway.
"What, did the Ways' get sick off you?" She scoffed. I smirked. I probably looked and sounded like shit. Well, after being rejected by yet another person you thought you could trust, and screaming and crying all the way here, yeah you'd look like shit too.
"No, I left them." I lied pushing past her and stalking to my room.
"I find that hard to believe by the looks of your appearance." She hollered. Mama, I'm just full of lies.
"No one asked for your input." I yelled as I slammed the door.
I crashed onto the familiar bed. My room was completely naked. I groaned as I realized everything I own is at Gerard's house.
"Fuck." I mutter to myself.
Well, it's not the stupidest thing I've done today, but it's up there.
My first mistake was actually letting myself believe Gerard was actually capable of changing. He was probably planning this from the start. Make me think I can trust him and just wait for me to spill something. And I did.
He'll probably tell Bert and use this as ammunition against me. Great. Well, I have all of tomorrow to worry about this. For now I just want to sleep.
I just want to forget this day existed.
Maybe if I keep my heart tied to that lie the waves of pain will crash inside.
"Frank!" I heard a familiar voice shout from outside pulling me out of my dreamless sleep. I groaned as I pulled the curtain back from where I was lying in bed just enough to see who it was. I just wanted to sleep. I blinked a few times to let my eyes adjust to the streetlights and gazed out into the night struggling to see who it was. Down the street I could see him. Of course who else would it be?
Gerard was stumbling down the sidewalk with a beer bottle in hand. He ran a quick hand through his greasy, red hair as he approached the front of the house.
"Frank!" He slurred. Judging from the way he's walking and talking, it's obviously safe to say he's definitely drunk. I've never seen him this drunk before, I've seen him drink a beer and maybe down a few shots, but never this. I ducked my head under my blanket as my heart began to hammer. From where I was peaking out the blanket I could see Gerard coming down the lawn towards my window. My breathing began to quicken as I tried to make myself invisible.
"Frank, I know you're in there," he called. "Unless, I'm at the wrong house, then this would be embarrassing as fuck." He stated. I remained completely still. I wasn't terrified of Gerard at the moment, just sceptical of what he would do. Judging by his balance I could definitely outrun him or out fight him off if it came to that.
Gerard took a sip of his beer and lazily wiped away the small bit that dribbled down his chin.
"I know you don't lock your windows, but I'm too drunk to try and climb in, so you're lucky." He slurred again. This didn't help my panicking.
"Listen, I know I'm a dick, and you like dick and I'm-" his words were cut off as he burped, then continued. "I'm sorry for reacting the way I did." He slurred taking another sip from his bottle. I rolled my eyes as I continued to listen to him. "I don't even know why I got all mad and shit, between you and I, I've kissed a plethora of boys in middle school." He dragged out. I didn't find this very hard to believe. Now looking back on the times he would always call me gay and I not understand, I now realize why he blushed a lot.
Gerard stumbled a bit and for a second I thought he was going to fall over, but he composed himself.
"I kissed a girl once in elementary before you moved here I don't even remember her name, but what I do remember is that I didn't like kissing her at all, so maybe I'm gay!" He shouted. I stifled a laugh as Gerard threw his hands up and spilling some beer on his head. I really hoped someone was awake and eavesdropping, because this shit was hilarious.
"Fuck," he mumbled as he wiped the liquid from his head. "But this isn't about me." Gerard stated as he plunked down in the grass.
"Come on Frank, come back home." He begged. "I mean to be honest, your mom is a bitch, but I'm a dick, and you like dick!" He exclaimed happily. "So, would you please come home?" He asked.
"For me?" He added. This whole thing feels more of a guilt trip rather than an apology.
I knew he couldn't see me, but I wasn't about to expose myself. I wanted to hear if he had more to say. Of course he did.
"Okay fine, maybe I like dick too, or maybe I like it up the ass I don't know, but you need to come home, Frank." Gerard said. I chuckled to myself. Is this an apology or Gerard's coming out speech. Either way, I love it.
"Mikey yelled at me saying I fucked up hard." Gerard sighed. "As soon as you walked out that door I knew I did." Gerard admitted.
"I mean, of course Mikey would have said I fucked up, him and Pete are obviously banging." Gerard rambled on. I snorted a laugh at that.
"Fuck Frank!" He yelled suddenly, throwing the beer bottle against the side of the house as it shattered. "I mean, I've done some fucked up things I'll admit, but dammit come home!" He screamed. If he kept yelling like this the cops would be called, and that's the last thing I want right now.
"You mean to fucking much to me just for you to leave." He stated more calmly. What? Did he mean that? "Just fuck," He groaned. "Fuck you and your pretty face, fuck you and your weird obsession with French films, fuck you and your large vocabulary and your depressing poetry, and a big fuck you for making me realize that I am head over fucking heals for you!" He shouted again.
I gasped I shock. Not only did Gerard look through my guilty pleasure cabinet in my desk, but he also admitted he liked... Me?
"If I didn't fucking care about you I wouldn't have come all the way down here at one in the morning on a Saturday night." He snapped as he stood up, dusting himself off. "Fuck it, don't come home you asshole, but don't say I don't fucking care! No one even knows I came down here, so fuck you!" He yelled again, as he stumbled away.
What the actual fuck just happened.
I shook my head as I stumbled to my feet and into the kitchen, in search for my mom's sleeping pills. I don't want to let his words soak into me, because I knew if I let my guard down again it would only end in pain and heartbreak.
It was the death of me.
I am the smoldering ember in the darkness that surrounds us all. This is my passion. This is my calling. This is my prison. This is me.
My love and my hate for you are infinite.
You were the death of me.
It was happening again.
The yelling was emerging from the kitchen. They haven't fought this bad since before we moved.
"We don't have the money, Linda!" Frank heard his father yell from the kitchen table.
"Sorry I want to give our son a decent birthday!" She yelled back.
"You don't think I do too? Jesus, we just moved we can't spend much more money!" He snapped. Silence filled the house.
"I'm not going to fight with you, I'm going to bed before I have to take Frank to school in about an hour." Frank's mother said more calmly. "I'll talk with you after work." She said stomping off to their bedroom. Frank could hear his dad grab his keys and workbag as his heavy boots thudded against the floor.
"I love you." She said one last time as he shut the front door on her.
Frank tried his best to fall back asleep before he had to wake up for school. Today he was going to surprise Gerard and steal those Pokémon cards off the fat kid on the bus. Frank smirked to himself as he drifted back asleep. Maybe Gerard won't hit him anymore when he shows him?
The only thought that may be prominent in Frank's mind at the moment is Gerard, but eating at the back of his mind was the question 'why didn't he say I love you back?' Maybe he was just stressed. Maybe he'll be in a better mood when he comes home from work.
But Frank's dad never came home from work that day.
He died in a car crash on the way home with a surprise for both Frank and Linda.
A surprise he would never get to show them.
And worst of all, he never got to say I love you back.
I sprang forward from my bed as the tears streamed down my face. I sat up cross-legged as I cradled my pillow into my chest and cried harder. In this place and time I felt more alone than I ever had before. The time I have taken to myself has left me with the feeling that I may just be fine all alone.
I shook my head. It was sad knowing that leading up to your father's death that all your parents could do was fight about money.
I wish we never moved here. If we never moved here they would have never fought. They would have been happy like they used to. If we would have never moved here, I would have had my perfect, white-picket fence family.
I would still have a dad.
I would have never met Gerard.
This only made me cry even more.
No matter how much I hated Gerard in the past and in this moment, I could never say he wasn't there for me. He was there when I lost Miles in the grocery store, he was there when I tried beating up a kid over a stupid kickball game, he was there when I would wake up in cold sweats from nightmares. He was the one that sang me back to sleep.
No matter how much I hate him, he is always there.
I'm now starting to realize how much I actually need him. If I was at Gerard's right now, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would be with me right now asking if I needed anything or if I wanted to talk about it.
Not only did Gerard drunkenly admit he likes me, but he also admitted he cared about me, and I'm now starting to believe that.
I never appreciate things when I have them, but now I'm longing for Gerard's comfort more than ever. I'm starting to miss all the little things I failed to appreciate. I survived this life so far, but how far have I really come? I'm nothing without Gerard. I'm finally realizing that now.
The way Gerard would flip his red hair back like a diva, the way he would roll his eyes more dramatically than anyone else, they way his eyes crinkled when he smiled showing off his tiny, coffee-stained teeth. All these things and more I'm starting to miss more than ever.
Maybe I misunderstood my loath towards Gerard as love?
I sighed as I wiped my stray tears and glanced down at my clock. It was going on three am. I need this to be over. I know that now
"Fuck." I mutter as I get out of bed and slip on my shoes.
"Answer the door, answer the door, answer the door." I repeated to myself over and over again as I approached the front steps of Gerard's house. "Answer, answer, answer." I repeated as my chest filled with anxiety and butterflies swarmed my stomach.
"You have to knock on the door, idgit." I breathed to myself. Did I just seriously walk all the way back to Gerard's at three in the morning? Crazy. Well, here goes nothing. I've already lost everything, so what else is there to lose?
I knocked on the door. Shit, shit, shit, shit. For a minute I thought no one was going to answer until-
"F-Frank?" Gerard stammered. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Updates will be slow until June. Also, happy May 4th. xoxo jasper
Chapter 15: The Collision Of Your Kiss
Trigger Warning. Mentions of drug abuse and eating disorders.
Alternative chapter heading: "It's Now Or Never" (Yep Elvis.... I went there..)
"Frank, come on I let you sleep longer, but now we have to walk." Gerard said, shaking me awake. I resisted the urge to fight back. I just wanted to sleep.
"Okay." I croaked sitting up and rubbing my eyes.
"I made you coffee." He offered handing me a mug.
"Mmh, thanks." I mumble.
"Oh, and here are some clothes." He added handing me a pile of clothes.
"Oh, thanks." I yawn.
"I'll step out so you can get dressed, Mikey already left." He informed before walking out, and closing the door behind him. Things seemed awkward between us. Well, last night did happen, so that should explain it.
I got dressed quickly, then joined Gerard out in the hallway with my backpack over my shoulder, and coffee mug in hand.
"Ready?" He asked with a small smile.
"Yeah." I grin as I looked down at my feet, feeling my cheeks warm up. Dammit stop blushing you idjit!
The walk to school was a bit different you could say.
Gerard was acting a bit weird, but not a normal weird. I couldn't really put a finger on it.
I'm pretty sure it's not normal for someone to want to run, jump, twist and shout at seven in the morning. I'm glad he's happy, but this happy seemed a bit too happy.
I shook my head and dismissed the thought as we arrived to the front of the school.
"Besides summer, fall should be your favorite time of the school year." Mr. Ross says as he started his morning lecture.
"For many reasons, one being it's the easiest time of the year," he explained, as he paced at the front of the room. "Another being the annual fall dance." He paused as a small bit of chatter broke out.
"Which will be taking place this Friday." He informed, raising his voice a bit so he could be heard over the chatter.
Mr. Ross made eye contact with me and I knew exactly what he was implying towards.
This guy really wants me to take Gerard to the dance. Thank god Gerard isn't in my first bell or this would be ten times more awkward. Wait, what will he think when Mr. Ross gives him the same speech? What if he doesn't want to go? What if he already has plans? What if he's going with someone else? What if he doesn't even like me?
No. That's not true. I can't think that after last night.
I'll figure a way to ask him. Maybe not in school though. Home maybe?
I was running late to lunch. My fucking locker wouldn't open, so I stood there violently putting in my combination and tugging it roughly. Finally, after what felt like hours the principal came and unlocked it.
I was slightly embarrassed to explain to Gerard, Mikey, and Pete that I was late because I couldn't open my locker.
Only Pete was at the table though. Which is odd, because Pete and Mikey are rarely separated. I sat down across from him, earning his attention.
"Do you know where Mikey is?" He asked with a hint of concern. I shook my head.
"He left before I woke up this morning, haven't seen him at all actually." I explained.
"Huh, weird. Well, I'm gonna get lunch." Pete sighed as he walked towards the line. Food before dude, I guess? The man has his priorities.
"Okay, I'm going to use the restroom real fast." I informed as I walked back out into the hallways. Before I walked into the bathroom I stopped when I heard familiar voices emerging from inside. I stood silently outside and listened.
"Gerard, I can't believe you're doing this again! Does Frank mean anything to you?" Mikey, I'm guessing yelled.
"Yes! Of course he does! He means everything to me, but I fucked up bad, and I will never forgive myself." Gerard said weakly.
"And you think this is going to fix it?" Mikey snapped. My heart instantly dropped. I didn't know exactly what was going on, but I had a pretty bad feeling. I haven't caught Gerard starving himself for a while now, so what else could Mikey be talking about? Gerard didn't answer. Instead all that came out from him was choked sobs.
"If you're ever on drugs like this again, I'll kill you before you can kill yourself." Mikey emphasized through gritted teeth. His voice was dripping with rage.
"Think about Frank next time you wanna shove your fingers down your throat and slowly kill yourself. Think about him next time you wanna get loopy and pop a few pills in the morning." Mikey spat as his voice cracked. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was doing so well. All those years. Wasted.
Gerard had relapsed.
That would explain Gerard's slightly abnormal behavior this morning.
"I just wish I wasn't like this," Gerard broke off into sobs. "I wish I could look at myself in the mirror and not be repulsed," he continued. "I wish Frank didn't hate me." He cried. What? Why would he think that? Yes, I've said in the past I hated him, but that was then. This is now. Does he have any recollection of last night? Mikey sighed. Not a frustrated sigh, but a sigh of sadness.
"Gee," Mikey said a little more softly. "He doesn't hate you, but he's been through a lot of shit lately and the past weekend didn't help." Mikey reasoned.
"I think I love him." Gerard said suddenly. I froze. Was he serious? Did he really mean it? Or am I just hearing things?
"I know," Mikey said softly. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up." Mikey sighed. I don't think I need to use the restroom anymore. I ran back to the cafeteria without either of them noticing me.
I wasn't to keen on finishing out the day, but I knew if I left early, Mikey would tear me a new ass. I groaned to myself. I only have a few more classes anyway.
Unfortunately, not all of Bert's classes were changed, Something about overcrowding? Who knows anymore. I still have last bell with him. Looks like today is just filled with surprises.
Gerard, who usually sits in the back of class, today sat directly behind me. Bert snarled as he sat in the back where him and Gerard used to sit, and Mikey was sat in front of me. Looks like no one was respecting their assigned seats.
This was probably the most uncomfortable class I've ever been in. Mikey would occasionally glance back behind me and all I could feel was Gerard's eyes staring into the back of my head. Was there something I missed? Oh, y'know just the obvious, Frank. Bert is an abusing asshole and Gerard is a changed man trying to protect you. Nothing much. Shut up, Frank.
I dismissed the thought as I tried to focus on Mr. Urie's lecture about something that has to do with science? This is science class, right? Either way, I knew I didn't have a very good grade in this class, so it wouldn't hurt to pay attention.
But it's fucking impossible to focus in his class when the only question on my mind is, how the hell is his forehead so large? This class should be called 'a study in Mr. Urie's large forehead.'
I'm trademarking that shit.
Soon enough, class ended. Gerard and Mikey instantly followed behind me. They never left me unattended. I went to my locker, and Mikey stood with me like I was a child. The scary part was neither of them spoke a word. By the looks of it they must be trying to keeping me away from Bert. No shit, Sherlock. Shut up, Frank.
Soon, Gerard appeared beside me and Mikey left to go find Pete. Once Mikey was gone I turned to Gerard as I followed him out the door. He wasn't speaking. I had a gut feeling as to why. He was ashamed. He relapsed.
"So, uh, today was good?" I broke the silence between us as we sat on the bench outside and waited for Donna.
"I'm glad, I don't think you'll be having anymore problems with Bert." Gerard assured me. I could see right through his little act. His eyes gave it away. After what I overheard in the bathroom today I didn't expect Gerard to be very happy.
"I can take care of myself y'know?" I smiled. Gerard's lips curve out into a wide smile as he lazily drapes his arm around my shoulder.
"Frank, that's what you said in gym, but you still can't dodge a ball for shit." Gerard sighed as he smiled down at me. God, could you not be so goddamn beautiful for one second? This also made me wonder what we were? Does this make us a thing? I shook my head dismissing the thought as Donna's car pulled up. Looks like Mikey isn't coming home with us today. Gerard took his arm off my shoulder, awkwardly as we both stood up.
"No Mikey?" Donna asked as we piled in the backseat.
"He left with Pete." Gerard informed. Donna nodded as she drove off school property.
The car ride was mostly silent. Gerard rested his head against the half opened window with his eyes shut, but he didn't look like he was sleeping. I stopped and stared for a moment at his features. His hair flowed softly against the breeze from where his head rested. I never really noticed how perfectly shaped Gerard's eyebrows were. Those were made for a god.
My eyes diverted towards his face as I absorbed all the beautiful things about him. My eyes roamed over his cheeks that looked paler in the sunlight, then up to his eyes that were- shit his eyes were open.
"Enjoying the view?" He commented as he shut them again. One of the many infamous smirks plastered across his face. I was too flustered to form actual words and the only thing I could do was let out a nervous laugh as I turned my head to gaze out the window.
Good job, Frank you're a total keeper.
Eating away at the back of my mind was the dance this Friday. Would it be weird if I asked Gerard? I mean we have both established we have feelings for each other, but is this too much?
My thoughts were cut short as we pulled in the driveway.
"Jesus Christ, stop being a little bitch." I mutter to myself as I stood in front of my door. "Just do it!" I hiss. Just open the door. Walk through the door. Walk down the hall. Stop in front of Gerard's bedroom door. Raise your fist. Knock on the- we get it, Frank..
"Okay." I whispered as I opened my door and walked down the hall. I hope he was in his room because that'd be awkward to knock on his door and him not even be in there.
I raised my fist, but I didn't knock. Don't you bail now.
"Come on, it's now or never." I muttered under my breath.
I should really stop talking to myself in my head. It's a bit weird. Why am I so nervous? Not like I'm asking him out.
"Yes?" I heard his voice call.
"I-it's me." I answered.
"Well, come in i-it's me." He mimicked. I opened the door slowly to reveal him drawing in some sketchpad. He set it down beside him as he patted the empty space on the bed and smiled softly.
"What's up?" He asked as I sat down. Last time I sat on his bed like this, it ended with us cuddling. Hopefully, after this it will end just as well.
"So, uh, this is gonna sound really stupid," I laughed as I toyed with my bottom lip. I do that a lot when I'm nervous. "But, uh are you going to the dance?" I asked. That came out quicker than I expected. Gerard's cheeks flushed.
"I plan on it if I don't get rejected by the boy I'm going to ask out later tonight." He informed as he kept his eyes trained down. My heart instantly dropped. But I thought he liked me? Don't be silly, I was just getting my hopes up. He doesn't like me, so why was I so upset? Not like I was going to the dance anyway. I'm just a hopeless romantic.
"Oh, o-okay," I faked a smile.
"Why, are you going?" He asked hurriedly.
"Nah, I was just curious, I'm not going actually." I laughed. Gerard's face fell.
"Oh, is that all?" He asked.
"Uh, Donna is sleeping, so I thought I'd make dinner." I say. Gerard nodded his head as he twiddled his thumbs. "What would you like?" I asked.
"Anything is fine." Gerard shrugs. I nodded again as I stood up.
"It's probably just going to be you and I. Donna seems pretty tired, so I'll just save her some leftovers. Mikey is probably spending the night at Pete's." I explained. Gerard smiled weakly.
"Okay." Was all he said. Okay? First you reject me and all you have to say is okay when I'm practically making us dinner? I need to stop. What did I expect anyway?
We ate in silence. Gerard surprisingly ate a lot more than I expected. That made me feel good. I don't remember the last time I saw him eat a full meal, so it filled me with joy as I saw him put his empty plate in the sink.
Not much happened after that. I went back to my room and so did Gerard. Everything was fine until I suddenly heard a muffled cry coming from Gerard's room. Oh no. I quickly rolled out of bed and raced down the hall.
"Gerard, are you okay?" I asked from outside his door. I knew the answer, but it didn't hurt to ask. The only answer I got in return was a choked sob.
"Can I come in?" I asked.
"No!" He shouted. I prayed he wasn't doing anything that could be potentially life threatening.
"Please, what happened?" I begged. Followed by that was nothing but muffled cries. Fuck it. I took it upon myself and went inside. He can hate me for it later. Inside Gerard laid curled up in a ball on his bed.
"Frank! I said get out!" He shouted again. From what I could see he wasn't doing anything necessarily bad.
"And I asked what's wrong?" I asked again. Gerard sat up and mimicked my sitting position in front of me as he wiped his tears.
"I-It's this stupid boy!" He admitted. Of course it's was that boy. Whomever this boy was I swear to god, if he hurt Gerard I will make him regret ever being born.
"What happened?" I asked as a cloud of anger darkened over me. Gerard glanced up at me, then looked away quickly.
"I was going to ask him out tonight, but I got scared because I don't think he likes me." He admitted. The fuck? If you don't like Gerard you're obviously blind or just stupid. "After all I've put him through." He added. I froze. Oh.
I feel fucking dumb now.
"Maybe if you ask him-"
"I'm afraid he'll reject me because I'm not the greatest looking boy out there." He started.
"Don't say that I think-"
"Especially 'cause I'm fat." He said blunty. My jaw dropped slightly. How does he see that?
"Gerard, you're not fat, you're fucking beau-" He cut me off again.
"Don't lie to me, you're just saying that look," he pinched his thighs. "Fat!" He exclaimed. Personally, I liked his chubby thighs.
"And look," he said lifting up his shirt, revealing some tiny stretch marks. "Fat and ugly!" He cried as his tears started to reappear.
"No, I think your pr-" He cut me off again. If he cuts me off one more damn time.
"And look!" This time I cut him off, but what I did next took even me by surprise.
I grabbed the back of his neck and mushed our lips together in a heated kiss.
It felt fucking awesome.
Gerard instantly placed a hand on my shoulder and leaned into the kiss as I slowly pushed him back to where I was slightly hovering over him. Our lips moved together in perfect sync, but I finally pulled away and rested my forehead on his.
"Shut up." I whispered. I couldn't really tell his reaction. His eyes were shut and he was panting softly.
"You kissed me." He breathed.
"Shush, listen to me." I said with my hand still cupped around the back of his neck and our foreheads still pressed together.
"Do it again." He whispered. This took me off guard and I hesitated for a moment, but then soon connected our lips once more, but this time less fierce. Gerard draped his arms around my shoulders and opened his mouth giving me access. I slipped my tongue in as Gerard moaned softly. Oh god.... Contain- shut up.
He pulled me into him more and I could feel my pants getting tighter. Shit.. Gerard was starting to drag me down with him on to the bed as I pushed him down the rest of the way slowly. I was now fully hovering over him and Gerard was starting to advance his actions more. He lifted his hips and grinded them against mine. I groaned softly as I bit Gerard's bottom lip as he moaned. He fucking moaned.
I finally pulled away panting. Gerard whined softly. His eyes were still closed he and his lips were now curved upward into a soft smile. A small trace of saliva still lingered on his lips. There was no hiding both of our boners at this point. Dammit, Frank.
"You were that stupid boy." Gerard whispered as he finally opened his eyes.
"I figured that."
"You did?" He grinned. I smiled as I gazed into his hazel eyes.
"One more?" He asked pointing to his face. I smirked as I leaned down.
"Hmm," I hummed. "No," I smiled sweetly as a pecked his cheek.
"Tease." He rolled his eyes. I giggled.
"Will you go to the dance with me?" He asked suddenly. I smiled softly as I stroked his cheek with the back of my finger.
"Of course." I tilt my head still holding Gerard's gaze.
"I'm glad." Gerard smiled as I layed down next to him. His eyes remained on me as I wrapped my arm around his chest.
"Me too." I mumble as I curl up into him.
Chapter 16: You're A Heart Attack In Black Hair Dye
hecka foreshadowing and mostly fluff. this is mostly a filler chapter but i kinda like it.
"So, I've been thinking about dying my hair." Gerard stated. I nodded as I sipped my coffee.
"What color?" I asked.
"I was thinking jet black." He smirked. I nodded around my cup.
"Sounds rad." I said as the waitress came back.
"Anything else I can get for you two?" She asked. Gerard glanced at me and I shook my head.
"No we're good, the bill?" He asked. The lady nodded and walked off.
"Is this why we skipped school?" I asked. "To get coffee?" Gerard chuckled.
"You're sick, remember?" He leaned forward pretending to check my temperature.
"Oh yeah." I faked a cough. Soon the waitress came back with the bill and Gerard paid, even though I said I could.
"So, why do you want to dye it?" I asked as we walked into the cool morning air.
"I don't know it's just, maybe a change would be nice." He shrugged.
"So black, huh?"
"Yeah." He laughed nervously.
"Sexy." I smirked. As we started walking in the direction towards the comic store. I think Jamia should be working today. "Shouldn't we ask your mom first?" I suggested.
"She dyed my hair red, I don't think she'll mind a natural color." Gerard reasoned as we started getting closer to the comic store. Wait, the last time I talked to Jamia was when Mikey was in the hospital. She still thinks I dislike Gerard. Boy, will this be a surprise.
"Yeah true." I agreed. "So, what does fake doctor have planned for fake sick patient?" I asked.
"Anything the doctor has planned." He smiled opening the door as the bell chimed.
Inside Jamia was reading behind the counter as Miles played with her phone on the beanbag.
"Hey, Mia." I greeted as she looked up.
"Oh hey!" She beamed. She glanced at Gerard who was holding my hand. "Hey?" She questioned looking back to me.
"Funny hair!" Miles exclaimed as he ran over to us.
"This is why I'm dying my hair." Gerard whispered.
"Ah come on," I nudged his arm. "He likes it." I smile. Gerard glared at me as he bent down to Miles height.
"Hey, little dude." Gerard said. I smiled at them, then looked up at Jamia. Her face... She is so confused.
"Hey, Frank?" She raised an eyebrow and motioned for the back room.
"I'll be right back." I say patting Gerard's head. Gerard looked up from what Miles was showing him and nodded. I look back up at Jamia. Her face was priceless. I should have added a kiss on Gerard's head, but I think that would have been too much.
"Do you mind explaining what the fuck is going on?" Jamia started once we were inside the back room. "Because last time I saw you around Gerard, you were clinging on to me like a little bitch because you were scared of tomato boy." She stated.
"A lot can happen?" I try. Jamia looked at me with pure confusion.
"Explain?" She asked.
"Well, that night when I left your house, Gerard texted me at like four in the morning." I stated.
"'Bout what?" She asked.
"I can't really remember, a lot has happened since then."
"Like what?" She asked curiously.
"Like my mom kicked me out after I tried to kill myself and I know live with the Ways." Jamia's daw dropped.
"Shit Frank, are you okay?" She asked concerned.
"Yeah I'm fine." I shrugged. My lips curved into a smile. "Actually, really great considering Gerard Way might possibly be my boyfriend." I state nonchalantly. Jamia squealed suddenly.
"Bitch I told you he liked you!" She shouted. I shushed her. "Sorry." She whispered.
"Yeah yeah yeah, but nothing is official." I waved. Jamia rolled her eyes.
"Have you kissed?" She asked crossing her arms across her chest. I fell silent as the blush crept up my neck and into my cheeks. "You have!" Jamia practically screamed.
"Jamia, I swear to god-"
"This is amazing, Frankie! You have a boyfriend!" She jumped.
"No no no, nothing is official." I reiterate.
"Bitch, you kissed that's gay!" She reasoned.
"Doesn't mean he's my boyfriend." I fire back.
"Doesn't mean he's my boyfriend." She mimicked. "Frank, do you hear yourself?" She laughed. I couldn't seem to form words.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She dragged on.
"You're a busy woman."
"I need to know what happens in my gay sons love life!" She exclaimed. "I told you that day in the grocery store meant something." She pointed out.
"Come on." She cut me off as she pushed me back out the door.
Out in the lobby Gerard was pulling out his wallet and placing a few dollar bills on the counter as Miles sat next to him with a handful of comics. I cleared my throat earning Gerard's attention. Gerard looked up slowly from his wallet.
"Oops." He grinned nervously. I smiled softly.
"Mommy look!" Miles shouted as he ran to Jamia with the handful of comics that Gerard bought him. Jamia looked up at Gerard stunned.
"Gee, Gerard you didn't have to do that." She said shocked. Gerard shrugged.
"Don't leave two children alone in comic store." He laughed. Jamia looked over at me and smirked.
"Such a gentlemen you are." She continued to smirk as she tore he gaze away from me and back to Gerard. Gerard blushed.
"So, what are you two boys up to?" Jamia asked, changing the subject.
"Skipped school and possible going to dye Gerard's hair." Jamia nodded as she went back behind the counter and I rejoined next to Gerard.
"What color?" She asked completely ignoring the fact that I said we were skipping school.
"Black." Gerard answered.
"Oh, snazzy." She commented. Gerard blushed again.
"So, how's your day so far?" I asked. Jamia shrugged.
"Considering you two are the only customers I've had all morning, pretty good." She answered. "Why did you skip school anyway?" She asked. There it was.
"Cough cough." I said. She glared at me.
"Uh huh sure." She nodded sarcastically. Gerard laughed.
"Don't worry, I'm taking care of my sick little patient." He smiled throwing his arm over my shoulder. Jamia's cheeks grew red as her lips formed into a smile.
"You better or I'd have your di-"
"Child!" I cut her off. Jamia froze.
"I will have your genitals cut off if you hurt my baby Frank." She corrected herself. Gerard looked both intimidated and amused. Jamia has the power to put the fear of god in you while making you laugh uncontrollably.
"Don't worry, I would never hurt Frank." Gerard emphasized as he gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
"I hope so." She nodded.
He kept his promise... Until-
"Gerard squat!" Donna yelled.
"I can't help you're fricken short!" Gerard yelled from where his head was in the sink.
"Just squat so I can get this shit out." She groaned. I laughed as Gerard poked his butt out so Donna could reach.
"Could you shut up I am trying to watch Spongebob!" Mikey yelled from the living room.
"Steven Universe is better!" Gerard shouted.
"You are both twelve." I chimed in before World War Three broke out.
Not to long after that Gerard and I were in the bathroom blow drying his hair.
"Frank, you got a letter in the mail today from your mom." Donna raised her voice over the hair dryer. I switched off the dryer and stepped down from the stool I was on. Gerard said he could dry his own hair, but I insisted.
"Really?" I questioned as she handed me the letter. She shrugged as she smiled at Gerard.
"Looking nice." She smiled.
"Thanks." Gerard blushed.
Gerard's hair did look nice. It was different and would take a bit of getting used to, but his shoulder length black hair complimented his soft face very nicely. He looked a bit girly, but not too girly. Either way he was damn fine.
I glanced over the letter curious as to why she would even try to correspond with me.
I'm pleased to announce that next month, Mark and I will be getting married in Florida. We have paid for two round trip plane tickets for you and your Way flavor. Hope to see you there.
"You gotta be kidding me." I laughed.
"What?" Both Donna and Gerard ask in unison.
"My mom is getting married."
"Do you want to go?" I asked as I shut my locker.
"I mean no, but I'm not going to pass up a free trip to Florida with you." Gerard smiled.
"That's good to know." I blush as Gerard ruffled my hair.
"I have a surprise for you after the dance tomorrow night, you're not allowed in my room, okay?" He raised an eyebrow. I nodded.
"See you at lunch?" He asked.
"Yeah." I say as he lowers his head down to mine.
"Ok." He whispers as he softly connects his lips with mine. I just know realized Gerard and I have never confirmed if we are dating or not. I had a strong feeling we were since he was daring enough to kiss me in the hallway.
"Get to class." I mumble against his lips as the bell rings. Things were finally turning out for the better. My nightmares have dwindled away to the point I rarely have them. No more abuse, no more self-harm. Everything was turning out okay. In this moment
life was perfect.
Chapter 17: For I Can't Help Falling In Love With You
yep, i'm sorry for the chapter title.... if you understand the pain i'm sorry.... anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter..
Ever since that day I kissed Gerard it seemed like we've only been attached by the lips. Now, the night of the dance and I'm panicking as I violently scrub my teeth with my toothbrush for the third time tonight. My mind was racing. What if I didn't look good in my tuxedo? What if I spill something on myself? What if? Oh god, what if Bert shows up? No, he can't, he was suspended.
"Frank honey, hurry up I have to fix up your hair." Donna raised her voice so I could hear her through the door and over the sound of the faucet running. I quickly swished and let her in.
"Sit." She instructed pointing to the toilet seat. I nodded nervously as I sat down. "Jesus Frank, it's a school dance not your wedding day." She half laughed as she pulled some old hair product out from under the sink.
"Still, I'm nervous." I breathed. She grinned.
"Don't be it's just Gerard." She reasoned as she started quiffing my hair.
"Yeah, but this is also my first dance." I admitted.
"Really? With a face like yours?" She laughed. I stiffened slightly. Did she just? I shook my head and ignored it.
"I don't know why I'm so nervous, I guess I don't wanna embaresses him or myself." I sigh. Donna laughed again.
"Trust me, when you see what he has planned for you in his room you won't have to worry about embarrassing him." She smirked.
"You'll see." She grinned.
"What do you know?" I raised an eyebrow.
"All I'm going to say is cheesy romance film." She said running her hand through my hair and spraying a small bit of hair spray. "Now, it's a bit stiff, but it should last you until you get home." She informed as I looked in the mirror.
"Woah, I look like a fuck boy." I half smile.
"Well, I was going for Danny from Grease, but your hair isn't long enough." She stated. I shrugged.
"Thank you." I smile. Donna just patted me on the back.
"Go get dressed." She said as I went back into my room trying to ignore Gerard screaming from his room. Pete and Mikey had already left. Apparently, it takes four hours to eat dinner? Hmm?
"I need more flowers!" Gerard screamed as he stomped through the hallway.
"Gerard Arthur Way get dressed!" Donna snapped. More stomping, doors slamming, and a very distressed Gerard.
The hours slowly drifted away until now it was time for me to get dressed. I carefully pulled on my suit, trying my best not to mess up my hair, then shakily tied my black and white stripped tie in the mirror. Suddenly, there was a knock on my door.
"Yeah?" I answered.
"I'll be downstairs waiting." Gerard's voice informed.
"O-okay." I stammered. I heard Gerard chuckle softly behind the door.
"Stop being so nervous." He sighed.
"I'll try." And with that, Gerard left. I looked at myself one last time then, with a shaky breath I made my way down the stairs. Don't pull a Jennifer Lawrence.
Before I even got halfway down the stairs I was blinded by a camera flash. I stifled a laugh as I came to the end of the steps. Gerard watched me with the sweetest smile plastered on his face as he tucked his now black hair behind his ear. Gerard wore a simple black suit and red tie. He looked fantastic.
"Smile pretty boys!" Donna sang as she held up her camera. I smiled softly as Gerard wrapped his arm around my waist. Donna grinned as she snapped as many pictures as she could. Gerard snuck a kiss on my cheek and sure as hell, Donna got it. She squealed with joy as we made our way towards the door.
"Have fun tonight, be back before midnight! And careful with the car, love you!" She yelled as we walked towards the car. Inside the car I couldn't stop shaking. Why was I so damn nervous?
"Scared?" Gerard asked as he rested his hand on top of mine. I intertwined our fingers and squeezed softly.
"Don't be." He smiled keeping his eyes on the road as he rested his hand on my thigh.
Soon enough we arrived at the school. The parking lot was already full. We walked across the parking lot hand and hand. I was shaking in fear, but I walked with confidence holding Gerard's hand.
"Picture?" Someone asked as we walked to the front door. Gerard shook his head. With the number of times Donna blinded us with her camera flash, we probably had an album of pictures already.
Inside we were greeted by Pete and Mikey. Pete had the widest smile plastered on his face as we walked towards them.
"Look at you two!" He exclaimed. Mikey smiled softly as he linked his arm around Pete's. Mikey was dressed in a black vest with a simple white, collared dress shirt underneath, completed with a plain black tie. Pete on the other hand was a little more extravagant. He was dressed in a beige three piece suit with a cream colored undershirt, a fawn button up vest and a matching beige tie.
"Look at you." Gerard laughed. "You look like creamed coffee." He grinned.
"Gerard, you look like a emo, shut up." Mikey scowled him. I wheezed. Gerard glared at me playfully.
"Well yeah, you look like a lesbian." Gerard shot back.
"Break it up, ladies," I giggled. "This is a dance not a fashion show." I state.
"Pete!" Someone shouts as they run up to us. Mikey pursed his lips as both Pete and Mikey turned around to greet the shorter boy with ginger sideburns.
"Oh, hey Patrick!" Pete beamed. Mikey was obviously unamused.
"Are you playing on stage with us tonight? They're giving us two hours on stage before the DJ takes over." Patrick asked. Pete looked over to Mikey. Mikey faked a smile, but Pete could tell it was fake. Pete's smile faltered.
"I'll play one song, but I want to spend the night with Mikey." Pete said.
"Of course!" Patrick smiled understandingly. "Good to see you again Mikey, and who are you two?" Patrick asked looking at Gerard and I.
"This is Mikey's brother, Gerard, and this is his boyfriend, Frank." Pete introduced. I blushed at the word 'boyfriend'. Gerard and I still haven't confirmed if we were dating or not, but there wasn't a doubt in my mind that we weren't.
"Nice to meet you." Gerard smiled as he shook his hand. Patrick turned back to Pete.
"We're on in ten." He informed. Pete nodded and turned back to Mikey.
"I'll see you right after." Pete stated as he planted a kiss on Mikey's lips. Mikey smirked softly as he nodded.
"Who's that?" I asked once both Pete and Patrick left.
"Patrick is new here, him and Pete started this garage band. I'm not to fond of Patrick, but I guess it's just my protectiveness kicking in." Mikey explained.
"So, what do you plan on doing in the meantime?" Gerard asked. Mikey smirked.
"Well, I could gush about how awkwardly cute you two are, or I can try to give my boyfriend a boner while he performs on stage." Mikey smirked. Gerard choked a bit.
"Uh, and how you gonna do that?" Gerard asked. Mikey smirked again.
"My charm." Mikey said. "Besides, there's nothing more fun then teasing your boyfriend, you should try it sometime, Gee." He grinned patting Gerard on the back before sauntering away. Gerard blushed darkly.
"Weird, how the streamers and balloons are red and white when our school colors are blue and white." I stated, changing the subject.
"Theme this year must be Grease." Gerard suggested. "So, what would you like to do?" He asked.
"I'm not sure. The music here sucks." I said.
"You're right, hmm that bathroom looks pretty good-"
"No!" I cut him off. Gerard fake pouted. I rolled my eyes as I kissed him on the cheek.
"Come on, let's dance, Goth muffin." I say pulling him into the gym and joining the crowd of dancing people.
"Mikey, I love this song!" Pete slurred as he dragged Mikey onto the dance floor. Gerard smiled as he watched as Pete intertwined hands with Mikey and jumped around sensely.
"He's totally drunk." I leaned into Gerard.
"Oh yeah," Gerard laughed. "Must be something in the punch." Gerard sighed as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer.
"This sucks." I groan.
"Sure does." Gerard agreed. I smirked to myself as I thought about what Donna said in the bathroom earlier.
"So, uh what do you have going on in your bedroom?" I asked. Gerard froze for a second.
"Well, I guess you'll just have to wait and see." Gerard teased. Taking Mikey's advice I see.
"I say we ditch this place then." I suggest. Gerard shook his head.
"Oh come on Frank, we haven't even slow danced yet." Gerard grinned.
"Do they even do slow dances anymore?" I asked. Before Gerard could say anything, my question was answered as slow song started to fill the room, but not just any slow song.
"Wise men say." Gerard started to sing along as he pulled me to my feet and out onto the dance floor. I was hesitant at first. I didn't know how to dance in the slightest, but my fears were washed away as Gerard smiled and pulled me closer.
I followed Gerard's lead as we swayed softly across the floor to the song. Most kids left the floor, but the kids that had good taste and or actually had feelings for each other, stayed and danced too. I lowered my head and rested it on Gerard's chest as he hummed softly, still leading us on.
"So, take my hand," Gerard sang. I smiled as his words vibrated against his chest. "Take my whole life too." I lifted my head as Gerard continued to sing.
"For I," he sang as he dipped me down. I squealed in surprise. "Can't help falling in love with you." Gerard whispered as he pressed his lips against mine. I sighed contently as I cupped the back of his neck and pulled him closer.
I practically melted into Gerard's touch. His lips smushed against mine was probably the best thing that could happen tonight. I don't know what could possibly top this, but the way Gerard makes it sound, he has my wedding planned in his room. Gerard pulled away slowly and leaned into my ear.
"Pete and Mikey are watching us." He whispered. I looked to the side and sure enough, there stood a grinning idiot Pete and a soft smiling Mikey.
"Of course." I mumbled. Gerard pulled his body away and took my hand and led us over to them.
"You guys are so fucking cute!" Pete yelled as we approached them. Mikey rolled his eyes.
"We get it Pete you ship it!" Mikey groaned. Pete laughed and I felt blush creep onto my cheeks.
"So fucking cute." Pete whispered as he wiped a fake tear.
"Well, I think maybe we should ditch this place, since half the fun is over." Mikey suggested.
"Yeah, I think that's good I might just go home and get drunk as hell!" Pete shouted. I shook my head.
"What do you say, Frank? Wanna head home and have some fun?" Gerard smirked, nudging me in the side. I bit my lips as I gazed up at him.
"I enjoyed tonight." I said as we walked up to the stairs to the front door. All Gerard did was smile.
"Well, I think you'll enjoy the rest of tonight." Gerard grinned as we walked inside and up the stairs. He went to open the door, but stopped and looked at me. "If this turns out to be the worst idea I've had, promise you won't laugh." Gerard sighed.
"You telling me not to laugh, makes me want to laugh." I state.
"Well, here goes my dignaty." Gerard breathed as he opened the door and flipped on the light switch. Once the room came into view I couldn't help but laugh.
"I told you not to laugh!" Gerard conplained.
"I'm sorry, I'm just-"
"Think I'm an idiot?" Gerard finished.
"No, just amazed you'd do all this for me." I shake my head.
"I want you show you how much you mean to me." Gerard stated grabbing the nearby bottle of champagne and two glasses. I blushed as I sat down on the bed that was covered in flower petals. The whole room was decorated in flower petals honestly.
Candles decorated the room, giving the room a yellowish glow. Red roses scattered all over the floor and bed making it looked like Gerard had just murdered a rose garden. As cheesy as it may look, I was impressed Gerard would go to this extent just for me. Maybe life wasn't so bad afterall?
"How many romance movies did you watch to do this?" I asked.
"Quite a few." Gerard admiited as he joined me on the bed after kicking off his shoes. "Tonight is dedicated to us, Mr. Iero." He smirked pouring us both a drink.
"Can't wait." I smile.
Chapter 18: I'm Trying To Let You Know How Much You Mean To Me
Trigger Warning. Mentions of rape.
Let's pick up where we left off, shall we?
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Gerard handed me my glass with a smile plastered across his face. The only light in the room was the few candles that he placed on his nightstand and windowsill. His face illuminated with an orange-ish glow as strands of his newly dyed hair shaped around his face.
"What's the meaning of all this?" I asked as Gerard scooted back against the headboard after shedding his dress coat. I mimicked his actions, careful not to spill my glass.
"I just want to let you know how much you mean to me." Gerard smiled. I did too.
"Does your mom know about this?" I asked timidly.
"Yes," he said clicking our glasses together. "To you and I and to Mikey possibly getting laid tonight." He concluded while taking a sip. I chuckled and took a sip of mine as well.
"So, what do you have planned for tonight with your cheesy setup?" I asked.
"Oh nothing much." He smirked playfully as his eyes drifted towards my pants. Oh.. sly dog.. I took another sip before I spoke.
"Oh really?" I chuckle. I was having a hard time figuring out if he was serious or not. I was a bit nervous, but I'm with Gerard. I trust Gerard.
Gerard hummed in response as he bit his lip, tearing his eyes away from my pants and making eye contact with me again.
"Unless, you're uncomfortable." He said quickly. I shook my head.
"No no, of course not," I assured him. "Although, I may need a few drinks if you want a really good time." I emphasized as I downed the rest of my glass.
With that, he smirked even wider and grabbed the bottle. I couldn't really tell if he was blushing, but knowing him he probably looked as red as his tie. I finished the last bit in my glass as he poured me and himself more.
I downed the glass in one go and held my glass out for more. I was releasing my inner stripper.
"We can't drink the whole thing, y'know?" He raised an eyebrow.
"I get drunk easily I already feel bubbles." I burped. He laughed as he sipped from his glass.
"I don't want you too drunk." He smirked setting our glasses on the nightstand.
"Wow, I'm tingly." I laughed. I'm like Garth from Supernatural. Of course I'm drunk, I just drank a beer. Wait, no I didn't? Shut up, Frank. Although, I wasn't actually drunk, maybe a smidge.
"Nice to know?" Gerard raised an eyebrow. I laughed again.
"My sausage is pretty excited." I giggle. Gerard snapped his head down at me with a mixture of shock and confusion on his face.
"My sausage!" I raise my voice. "And it's all you fault!" I exclaim as I worked on shimming off my pants.
"Ohh." Gerard chuckled finally catching on. "Well, what do you have in plan on doing?" Gerard asked.
"You," I slurred slightly. He coughed a little at that. "Sorry, did I say that out loud?" I giggled.
"You did." He smirked, sinking down into the bed.
"Well, listen here emo boy, I'm the great Italian sausage, Frank Iero," I stated as I leaned closer to him. "And I, am in fact a top." I lowered my voice as I swung my leg over his hips.
"Okay," he laughed laying down putting his hands behind his head. "Is Frank Iero going to do me or what?" He bit his lip.
"Hey hey now, it's Italian sausage to you, and I'm taking this slow emo boy, because of your super cheesy get up got me in a romantic mood." I say as I lowered my hands to undo his red tie.
"You're so pretty." He smiled up at me as I straddled his hips. I grinned as I removed his tie and discarded it on the floor, then leaned down and placed a sloppy kiss on his lips.
"Not as pretty as you." I slurred as I reached down and started unbuttoning his shirt. Before I could even get it halfway off, he was starting grind his hips against mine.
"Hey, don't wake up the sausage yet." I mumble against his skin as I placed kisses down his chest. He giggled and tilted his head to the side, bitting his lip. If only I could've capture that face and keep it forever. He looked so adorable in the glow of the room. Fuck, I loved him.
I finally removed his shirt and lowered myself between his legs and started on unbuttoning his pants. Suddenly, Mikey's words from earlier came flooding back into my mind. 'It's fun to tease your boyfriend.' I smirked to myself as I pulled off Gerard's pants completely and I placed feverish kisses up Gerard's inner thigh, earning myself a few gasps from him.
Feeling more confident, I gripped his thighs and pushed his legs apart slowly, continuing to plant soft, sloppy kisses on his skin. I directed my eyes upward towards Gerard, whom was gripping the pillows above his head tightly and biting his lip roughly. I grinned at the sight as I pulled myself back up, figuring that was enough teasing for now.
"My turn." I smile, hovering over him now. Flabbergasted, Gerard nodded unsurely. I guess I did stop abruptly. Slowly, Gerard started undoing my tie with a soft smirk on his lips, but not a smirk of lust. No, something more. I knew deep down inside that this was much more than just two teens sleeping together. Something much more. I watched his nimble fingers finally undo my tie and throwing it to the side then, started unbuttoning my shirt.
"Very beautiful." Gerard marveled as he slid his hand over my shoulders, taking off my shirt. I caught Gerard's gaze as kept it for a while as his hands found their way to my face and softly brushing a few strands out of my eyes. I couldn't contain my smile as I focused on Gerard's hazel, brown eyes and how they shimmered in the orange glow of the candle lights.
Never in a million years, did I think I would be looking at Gerard like he was the light of this world. I guess people really do change. Never did I think I would be in bed with Gerard in a romantic way as I tell him how beautiful he is. I got better. That's how I changed. Little did I know that the suicidal, thirteen year old me with no friends would grow up years later to finally say I have a reason to live. To say I survived.
I finally have a reason to keep fighting. A reason to stay alive. A reason to keep breathing and keep the blood in my veins.
Gerard is that reason.
I leaned down and kissed him softly on the lips as he sighed contently. I smiled weakly against his lips.
"You're so pretty." I smiled as I pulled my lips away from his, but only to move them down to his neck. Gerard moaned softly as he reached up and grabbed my neck, pulling me down impossibly closer as I started to suck slightly on his sweet spot, just below his jaw.
"Why thank you, Mr. Italian Sausage." He smiled, showing off his adorably tiny teeth. I pulled away from his neck and looked down proudly at the mark I made. Realization was slowly hitting me. Gerard and I were both in just our boxers and I was straddling on top of him.
I looked Gerard in the eye, silently asking for his consent. Gerard nodded softly without breaking eye contact. Slowly, I moved my hands down to his waist and hooked my fingers in the waistband of his boxers when-
"Hey Gerard, Pete and I are- Woah! Oh god!" Mikey exclaimed, mortified from the door. Gerard groaned in frustration and pushed me off him. Pete stood behind Mikey like a little fangirl he was with his hand cupped around his mouth. Mikey looked like he just walked in on his parents having sex, but instead his brother.
"What?" Gerard snapped angrily as he pulled the covers over us.
"I was going to say, Pete and I are staying here because his brother is throwing a party since their parents aren't home." Mikey explained, pinching the bridge of his nose while squeezing his eyes shut.
"Okay, well knocking works." Gerard informed.
"I'll remember that." Mikey groaned pushing Pete back out.
"Look at them! It's love!" Pete gasped, still drunk as ever I suppose.
"Come on, lover boy." Mikey said as he shut the door behind him.
Once we were alone, Gerard pulled the covers off us and smiled down at me sympathetically.
"Looks like our plans have been postponed." He sighed.
"Aw." I whined sarcastically.
"I'm sorry," he apologized. "Maybe next time." He smirked, leaning down to peck my lips. I'm hummed softly into his touch. I felt him smile softly against my lips then pull away.
"Frank?" Gerard whispered softly as he pulled my shoulder back softly. I blinked my eyes open as I felt tears on my cheeks.
"Yeah?" I sniffed, turning to face him. The candles were now blown out and the only light in the room was the moonlight from outside.
"You okay? You were crying in your sleep." Gerard asked. I took in a deep breath as I thought about what I was going to say next. I had another nightmare.
"Just a bad dream." I croaked as I felt more tears threaten to spill. My skin crawls at the thought of his hands on me. My insides churn at the thought of it not stopping. My throat aches at the countless times I screamed for help. I felt disgusting. Ashamed even.
"We've talked about this, it's not a dream if it's bad." Gerard smiled sadly as he tried to lighten the mood. I nodded.
"Wanna talk about it?" Gerard offered. I could tell he sensed my uneasiness. I buried my head into his chest as I let a few tears fall. I couldn't hide this from him forever. Concerned, Gerard rubbed my back softly.
"Can I be honest with you?" I asked, trying to hide the fact that I was crying.
"Of course." Gerard comforted.
"I was-" I trailed off, unable to continue.
"Sssh, it's okay we don't have to talk about it." Gerard soothed as he pulled me in closer to his bare chest.
"I was," I paused, sobbing more. "I was r-raped as a kid." I finally choked out. Gerard froze suddenly, but quickly resumed rubbing my bare skin in attempts to comfort me. It was useless.
"Frank, I'm so sorry." Gerard gasped. I could hear the pain in his voice. I could hear him holding back tears. This only made me cry harder as I gripped onto Gerard. "I'm so sorry." He barely said above a whisper.
That night I shared my true self to Gerard. The broken, little ten year old boy, that's innocence was taken much too soon. That night was the first time I had ever told anyone about that night all those years ago. That night was the night I fell.
I fell hard.
*looks at chapter titles for 19 and 20. slightly alarmed by the titles. goes to chapter notes.* oh fuck... be scared because I absolutely hate what I'm going to have to write
I love this chapter. This is probably the best chapter in the book so far, in my opinion. I really loved this.
Chapter 19: Sometimes I See People That I Love Dying
THIS CHAPTER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT CHAPTER IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING BOOK. FORESHADOWING TO THE FUCKING MAX (even though it's short af)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
"Wake up, it was just a nightmare, I'm here." She whispered, wrapping her arms around Frank's torso as he cried. "I'm here it's okay." She said into his chest.
"Tell me he was real." Frank pleaded through tears. "He's just in the kitchen getting water, go tell him to come back to bed." He cried. She shook her head as she stood up and grabbed the picture frame from the nightstand, then sat back down.
"You know he's not." She said sadly. Tears filling in her eyes as well.
"Look, there's me, you and there's Gerard." She explained pointing to each one of them in the picture. Frank smiled as he remembered what was happening in the picture. That was their first Christmas together as a family.
"You were just reliving it again, it's okay, I'm here now." She said, setting the frame back down on the nightstand.
"Tell me it never happened it was all a bad dream." Frank begged. She sighed sadly.
"You know I can't say that." She whispered, trying to refrain her tears. This only made Frank cry harder. Coming to reality that it wasn't a nightmare and that it was all real. The screaming, the crying, the defining sounds he'll never forget. So much blood.
"But like he would always say to me when I had a bad dream, it's not a dream if it's bad." She said trying to calm Frank down as she laid back down next to him. Frank smiled as he pulled her small frame closer to him and pressed a kiss to the back of her head.
"He did." Frank whispered, closing his eyes. Now that Frank had calmed down a bit she sat back up and pulled the blankets back over him.
"I love you." She said giving him one last hug before walking to the door.
"I love you too." Frank said sleepily. She was about to open the door, but stopped at the sound of Frank's voice again.
"Bandit?" He called out.
"Yeah?" She asked. Frank laid there unable to move as another image flashed through his mind again.
"D-do you think he's happy seeing how smart and b-beautiful you've become?" Frank asked. He didn't really want her to leave just yet. She was the last thing Frank had. The last person Frank had a reason staying alive for.
"He's probably written a plethora of sonnets and records about it." She giggled. "Get some sleep." She said one last time. Frank grinned. She always liked to use more sophisticated words for her age. Another thing she learned from Gerard.
"I love you." Frank said drifting back into a sleep induced wonderland. He's tired counting sheep to see him, but he sleep because he needs him. He dreamt of the perfect wonderland that was once real. Where everything was normal. Where everyone was happy.
Where life was perfect.
"I love you too, dad." She said shutting the door as she left.
I sprang awake to the shrill sound of my alarm clock ringing. I slapped the snooze button and laid there in bed. That was a weird dream. It wasn't a nightmare, but it was different? Who was that girl? Why did it all seem so real? I know this was just some weird dream, but I have a feeling it's going to be in my head all day.
I rolled out of bed and threw on the same black jeans I always wear, and the first shirt I pulled out of my closet that happened to be one of Gerard's. Oops. I sighed tiredly as I made my way to the kitchen. I was up before anyone else, so I was the chosen one for starting the coffee.
Shortly after, I heard faint footsteps coming down the stairs from where I sat in the kitchen. I didn't give much thought to whom it could be. I was too tied up with thinking about all the things coming in the future. My mother's wedding. A fucking plane ride. I hate planes.
I realized that I was sitting here, in the dark kitchen, alone with the lights off, drinking coffee. I didn't even bother putting creamer in. Today is already a weird day. Just then, Gerard appeared in the doorway.
"What are you doing up?" He whispered. His voice was thick with sleep.
"Thinking." I replied, spinning my chair to face him in the doorway. He shuffled over groggily and plunked down in my lap.
"About?" He asked, tucking his head under my chin. I sighed. Oh I don't know, I had a dream about this strange girl and apparently you were dead? Or you left me? I have no idea.
"A lot, the wedding mostly." I lied. Well, not a complete lie. The wedding was coming up. Less than three weeks now. Gerard didn't say anything, we just kinda sat there. "Coffee?" I offered. Gerard nodded and stood back up taking a sip from my mug.
"Eh, you didn't put creamer in?" Gerard questioned.
"Slipped my mind." I shrugged. Gerard squinted his eyes at me.
"You feeling okay? You're not like yourself this morning." Gerard asked. Honestly, I don't know what I was feeling. Gerard and I's relationship has been going so well. I had a terrible feeling things were about to change, and not for the better.
Gerard and I have come such a long way, I'd hate for it to be thrown away. Things got worse before they got better, but that's in the past. I no longer saw Gerard as a broken, cold, vile person that took sport in terrorizing me. I saw him as human. Pure and innocent, but still broken. A broken that couldn't be fixed. From what he's seen as a kid and the awful things he's done, his light was stolen forever. Not even I could fix.
Thinking about what I could have done haunts me to this day. Even though I knew there was nothing I could've done. It was something neither of us saw coming. Things got worse before they got better, but even after a while, they got worse again.
It all got taken away from me.
"I'm fine." I said chewing on my bottom lip. Gerard looked at me uncertainly, but I really wasn't in the mood for the 'you can always talk to me' speech. "Seriously Gee, I'm good." I say more convincingly. Gerard still didn't look like he believed me, but he kept quiet as he made his coffee.
"Do you see them?" I asked Gerard as we walked hand in hand down the hallway, behind Mikey and Pete.
"Yes?" Gerard questioned.
"They look like a lesbian couple rather than two gay dudes." I joked.
"You calling my brother a woman?" Gerard chuckled.
"No, I'm saying your brother is in a lesbian relationship." I corrected.
"A woman." Gerard reiterated.
"Shut up." I laugh as I hit him playfully on the arm. Gerard snickered as he pulled me down for a kiss, which he missed and ended up planting a sloppy kiss on the corner of my mouth.
"Ew, you slobbered." I teased.
"Better luck next time?" He grinned.
"Sure." I nodded. Our playtime was unfortunately cut short by someone who should cut their hair short rather than Gerard and I's time.
"Well, take a look at the new happy couple." Bert announced from behind us.
"Fuck off." I spat.
"Now now, no need to get snappy, I'm just here to congratulate the new couple. How long will it last?" He asked.
"Longer than your hair." Gerard retorted. Bert chuckled.
"Always sharp with the tongue." He sighed. "Anyway, hope things good well." He smirked before walking away.
"Weird." I state.
"Very weird." Gerard confirmed. The piercing sound of the bell rang throughout the halls, causing the congested halls to slowly clear out.
"See you at lunch." Gerard said placing a quick kiss on my lips.
"See you then." I waved.
that 'Twist And Shout' reference in the last sentence... oops.... (that was intentional. i'm evil..)
i always make the characters in this story make fun of Bert for having long hair, but i actually was a fan of Bert's long hair. no hate to the real Bert, just fuck you to the fictional Bert.
after the 'dream' part of the chapter this chapter was sort of a filler chapter. i'm trying to give you guys some happiness (ha what does happy mean?) before the next few chapters.... mostly, i'm just trying to prolong the next few chapters because i hate them. shit is getting real... i hate myself.
also, in the title of the book i listed this as a Frerard and Petekey story but there's not much Petekey in this. i'm trying to add more Petekey but it's kinda hard because i don't want to drift off track from the plot.
BUT PETEKEY IS GONNA BE SOARING IN THESE NEXT FEW CHAPTERS
that's it for now
see ya in the next update (i've been updating like crazy lately. i have a schedule for once a week for this story, but i've just been going crazy. update every time you turn around)
Chapter 20: Death To The Lover That You Were Dreaming Of
Trigger warning. Abuse and drugs.
"Frank sweetie, wake up." Donna whispered softly. I jolted awake. Donna never wakes me up in the mornings. My mind immediately went to something must be wrong.
"Wh-what's wrong?" I slurred. I was too blinded by sleep to see Gerard was also passed out beside me. For a second, I forgot I started sleeping with Gerard in his room and was a little panicked when I didn't see my room. It was too early for this.
"Nothing hun, I just have to talk to you boys before school." She whispered softly as Gerard snorted in his sleep and aggressively flung his arm over me. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and glanced at the clock, which read four in the damn morning.
"This early?" I groaned.
"I know, I'm sorry, I'll go get Mikey, meet us down in the kitchen." She sighed as she walked towards the door.
"Gee," I yawned shaking his arm that was wrapped around me. "Gee, come on we gotta get up." I sighed with my eyes still closed. Gerard whined in his sleep as he pulled away from me. Wake up, you little brat.
"Gee!" I yelled this time.
"Vietnam!" Gerard startled awake. "What?" Gerard whined.
"Donna needs us in the kitchen." I informed him as I sat up slowly. I heard Gerard groan behind me. "Come on princess, we can maybe get another hour of sleep after." I said as Gerard wrapped a sheet over his body to hide his exposed chest. What a diva.
"What time is it anyway?" He croaked.
"Four." I answered.
"Fuck." He yawned as we made our way downstairs.
In the kitchen, Mikey and Donna sat in their usual seats at the table. Gerard tightened his grip on his blanket as he pulled it over himself more in attempts to hide his bare chest from his mother and brother. Luckily, Gerard was wearing underwear under that blanket.
I, however didn't bother covering myself. It was too early for me to care. Mikey glared at us from the corner of his eye, curiously. What? I swear to god Mikey, not everything we do is sexual. Well...
"I'm sorry to wake you boys so early, but I have to take an unexpected trip to New York." Donna started. Gerard blinked in surprise, too tired to gawk like Mikey and I.
"What?" Gerard asked finally breaking the silence.
"A friend of mine went into labor last night and the father is currently on a business trip overseas." Donna explained.
"Wait, what?" Mikey asked, genuinely confused. "You're telling me a friend of yours is giving birth and her baby daddy is overseas?" Mikey asked. Donna nodded.
"Crazy, I know." Donna laughed nervously. Both Gerard and I and possibly Donna could hear the hint of anger in Mikey's voice. "This is why I'm asking you boys." Donna said.
"You don't need our confirmation, if a friend needs you then go." I chimed in. Surprisingly, both Gerard and Mikey nodded in agreement.
"Why did you have to wake us up, why couldn't you've waited till after school?" Mikey asked.
"Because, once I got all of your permission, I'm leaving so I'll be there before tomorrow." Donna reasoned.
"Yeah, if you speed." Gerard yawned. Donna ignored his comment even though he was right.
"Anyway, you boys get back to bed I'll be gone for about three days so come on, hugs." She demanded holding her arms out. Tiredly, we all collapsed into her for a group hug. "I love you all, be good, no fights." She said as we walked her to the door where her suitcase was.
"Love you too." Gerard said as I followed Mikey up the stairs and back into Gerard's room.
Soon enough, I felt Gerard's body curl up beside me in bed and wrapping his arm back around my naked belly.
"Mmh, night." He sighed before falling back asleep.
I wasn't sure if anyone else noticed but Gerard seemed to be acting a bit funny when we left the house this morning. At first I thought it was just because we were both tired, but never have I seen him so tired he acts as if he just drank twelve cups of coffee. What threw me off was when Gerard said he was going to take a shower this morning. He never showers in the morning. No one does except for Donna.
When Gerard supposedly came out of the shower, he wasn't even wet. I thought he just might've blowdried his hair, but he didn't even smell of our shampoo. I didn't think much of it, Gerard was in a good mood so who was I to ruin it.
"You feelin' okay, Gee?" I asked as Gerard sat back down next to me in the lunchroom.
"I'm more than okay, dude, I feel great!" Gerard exclaimed. His pupils were blown to an unnatural size. Somethings up. "I could just kiss you right now." He grins widely. Without warning, he cups my cheeks in both of his bands and presses his lips onto mine. Any other time Gerard would do this, I would melt right into him, but not this time. He was acting strange. I sat there barely even kissing him back. I finally pulled away, expecting to hear Pete chant or clap, but both Pete and Mikey looked at Gerard and I with uncertainty.
"Frank, can I speak to you out in the hall for a second?" Mikey asked in a low voice. Mikey's eyes drifted to Gerard, then quickly back to me. "Alone." He added. I nodded and followed Mikey to the door.
"You've noticed too, right?" I asked once we were outside the cafeteria.
"It's impossible not to." Mikey stated.
"What's going on with him?" I ask. Mikey removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, exhaling loudly.
"I don't know." He sighed.
"You don't- you don't think it's-?"
"I hope not." Mikey said, cutting me off. I felt my insides churn uneasily. He couldn't be, right? After everything we've been through. After all the progress he's made. He wouldn't. He wouldn't throw it all away? He couldn't. "But we have to prepare-"
"He's not." I say quickly, cutting Mikey's words off. I didn't want to hear it. Whatever Mikey was about to say I didn't want to hear a single word of it. Because I knew he was right. Mikey sighed irritatedly.
"Frank, you know Gerard just as well as I do. This is a possibility and you know it we just can't ignore-"
"Gerard is not on fucking drugs, Mikey!" I shout. Mikey's face grows hard and his fist clench into fists.
"Fine, keep telling yourself that, but you know just as well as I do that Gerard isn't perfect and when he hurts you again, which I guarantee he will, I will simply say I told you so." Mikey said coldly. "You can't keep lying to yourself." Mikey concluded.
I stare at the ground unable to look Mikey in the eye. He's right, but I wish he wasn't.
"He- he's not." My voice cracked. Mikey sighed with disappointment.
"I know how this is going to end, Frank. Either you open your eyes now or live in the dark. Just hurry up and make the right choice." Mikey exhaled. "I don't want to be left picking up the broken pieces again." Mikey said finally before walking away.
I prayed Mikey was wrong. I prayed to any god that would listen. He had to be wrong. I hoped and I begged so much to the point that I hated the sound of my own internal voice. Why can't Mikey just be wrong for once.
Why did Mikey have to be right?
"I fucking told you!" Mikey screamed with tears in his eyes. The pain I was feeling mentally hurt more than the physical pain. I heard Gerard yelling and banging on his bedroom door.
"Let me out Mikey, I swear to god!" He yelled. Mikey's tears weren't tears of sadness. They were tears of anger.
"You never fucking listen!" He screamed as he glared at me viscously. "Wipe your fucking tears and go fix this. He'll listen to you." Mikey spat. I did as he said and wiped my eyes.
Mikey had every right to be angry. If I would have just listened. I still refuse to believe this happened.
"You talk to him." He repeated as I passed him and walked out into the hall. A chair was pinned under Gerard's door knob, locking him inside. I removed the chair and opened the door slowly.
Inside Gerard sat with his legs crossed on the bed. There was no light in the room except for the sliver of moonlight shining through the curtains. Gerard was dressed in his usual all black. He practically blended into the room. I shut the door softly behind me, trying not to disturb him.
"Gerard." I started. Gerard turned his head slowly to face me. His eyes were red and puffy. I couldn't tell if it was from the drugs or crying, possibly both. The corners of his eyes crinkled slightly as lips formed into a smirk. We made eye contact for a moment until I broke it out of fear. Throughout my entire life with Gerard, he has never once scared me. I was too blinded by hate back then to be scared of him. But now, he scared me. His whole appearance sent shivers down my spine and not in a good way.
"Oh goody, I have company." Gerard slurred. I swallowed uneasily as he shifted his body to face me. "Look, my favorite person!" He smiled trying to stand, but ended up falling to the floor. He stumbled back to his feet unsteadily. "See you make me fall to the floor." He breathed heavily, trying to regaining his balance.
"Gerard, you need to listen to me." I sighed. Gerard's animalistic expression grew into pure anger within a second.
"Why, are you going to tell me how disappointed you are in me?" Gerard asked in a low voice as he stepped closer. I stepped back to distance myself from him. I started panicking slightly as I felt my back come in contact with the wall behind me. Gerard stepped closer and roughly pinned me against the wall. "Tell me how much you hate me?" He growled.
My skin crawled at his touch. Gerard has never made me feel this way before. He's made me loath him, despise him, even love him. But never fear him.
"Gerard stop." I begged as my voice cracked in fear. I pushed him back a bit, causing him to stumbled back and almost fell over. Gerard was a mixture of anger and sadness. Those two together mixed with drugs did not make a good combination.
The tears streamed down Gerard's face but he made no attempt to wipe them. His breathing became more labored as his body began shaking.
"I'm sorry, Frank!" He shouted angrily. "I'm sorry I'm not the perfect boyfriend you had in mind, I'm sorry I couldn't change for you!" He cried.
"Is that what this is all about?" I asked loudly. Gerard continued to glare at me. "Not being a perfect dream husband kinda guy?" I press him further. Gerard broke his gaze at he chortled down at his feet.
"No." He said finally as he wiped his tears. "No." He reiterated looking back up at me.
"Then what?" I ask more calmly.
"Me!" He yelled. I raised an eyebrow in confusion. I don't understand. "I see the way you look at me. You try and convince yourself you're happy with me when I know you're not!" He exclaims.
"Listen to me," I lower my voice and point my finger menacingly at him. "I don't know what made you think something so ridiculous like that, but you're wrong." I shout as the tears started to reappear.
"You're worse than me, Frank," He laughed. "You're too blinded by lust to see I was just a ticking fucking timebomb. I will always, always ruin everything." He yelled stepping closer. "No matter how much you want me to change I never will, no matter how hard I try, I will always ruin you," Gerard paused as he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt. "And I will always ruin us." He breathed. What he did next I thought I would never have to endure from him again.
Gerard raised his fist, almost involuntary. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion until it finally happened. Like pulling a trigger to a gun, once you pull it, you can't take it back.
Bang. Splatter. Flat line.
I fell to the floor and screamed out as loud as I could. Not because I was in pain. Because I finally broke. I finally shattered. I finally lost my reason. I felt the blood pool in my hands as I clutched my face in agony. I couldn't stop screaming. The mental pain outweighed the physical pain. I kept telling myself this wasn't Gerard, but this was very much Gerard. This was the side of Gerard I thought died in the hospital when Mikey almost did. This was the side of Gerard that I thought drowned in the rain early that morning when I came home from Jamia's.
I laid there paralyzed as I continued to scream. I knew what we had was too good to be true. Gerard gasped as he cupped his hands over his mouth, realizing what he had done.
"No." He said barely above a whisper. Just then, Mikey burst through the door and lunged for Gerard.
"Look what you've fucking done!" He screamed as he fell to the floor on top of Gerard. "I told you if you ever hurt Frank again it would be your last!" He yelled as he brought his fist back and connected it with Gerard's face.
"Do you realize what you're doing? You need to snap out of it!" Mikey yelled as he lifted Gerard's body off the floor, then threw him back down. Gerard's face twisted in pain. Good. He deserved it. He deserved all of it.
In this moment in time, I hated Gerard. Sober or not. I hated him. Just like I did before. Maybe even more than before.
I loathed him.
Mikey connected his fist with Gerard's face again. Gerard groaned in pain as he started to bleed. "Harder baby." Gerard encouraged. Mikey punched him again and again until Gerard was lifeless on the ground. Even then, Mikey kept punching him. I couldn't speak. He needed to stop, but I didn't want him to. But I also didn't want Gerard dead either. The only thing dead here is the lover I was dreaming of.
I felt my eyelids grow heavy. I no longer felt like fighting anymore. I just wanted peace.
I just wanted peace.
I woke up a few hours later in my bed. It was still night. I had no idea what time it was but my face ached and throbbed from where Gerard hit me. Gerard hit me. I never thought I would have to admit that again.
I could hear Mikey and Gerard yelling in the other room. I couldn't stop thinking about all that has happened today. How could this have happen? Ever since Gerard and I started dating life had been wonderful. The happiest I've been. I shook my head dismissing the thought. It's all gone now. We're over. I thought I could trust him. I rolled onto my other side and thought more. I should probably stop thinking so much.
I laid there for quite some time listening to Mikey and Gerard until it suddenly stopped. The yelling had ceased. I then heard the door slam and footsteps coming toward my door. Then, a knock on my door.
"Y-yes?" I call out, sitting up on the edge of my bed.
"May we come in?" Mikey asked with anger prominent in his voice.
"Yes." I croaked. Suddenly, the door flew open to reveal Mikey holding Gerard by the hair. Mikey slammed the door behind him with his foot then, threw Gerard onto the floor. Gerard struggled to his hands and knees as he sobbed. He hung his head down between his shoulders and tried to stand, but didn't succeed.
"Now." Mikey demanded crossing his arms. Gerard unable to stand, crawled over my feet and looked up at me with guilt in his eyes. He had a cut under his eye that flawed his perfect, pale skin.
"F-Frank," Gerard sobbed out. "I-I'm so sorry, you know that I would never hurt you or do anything like that sober, right?" He begged. He had no excuse for doing what he did. None whatsoever. His eyes pleading for forgiveness, but I didn't have any to offer.
"I don't know." I sighed. He broke again into more tears and sobs.
"I'm sorry." He sobbed as he banged his head against the bedpost. Don't do that. "I wish I never woke up this morning." He cried as he continued banging his head. He went to hit his hand again, but this time I stopped him. I placed my hand on the post and cupped his forehead as he collapsed into the floor at my touch. "I'll never forgive myself, Frank." He sobbed reaching up and clutching my hand.
"Neither will I." I whispered as I stood up. I looked down at Gerard, then up at Mikey.
"I'm done." I announce raising my arms. Mikey squinted at me then nodded.
"I'm leaving." I sigh as I walk past Gerard and out into the hallway. Mikey followed me as Gerard started to scream. Mikey shut the door behind him and looked at me for further explanation. "I'm not leaving." I sighed defeatedly. This only confused Mikey more.
"At least not permanently." I state.
"What do you mean?" Mikey asked.
"I need a break," I start. "I need somewhere to stay for a few days, I need a break from everything. I can't and won't leave permanently because I know if I do," I pause to collect my thoughts. "Gerard would kill himself." I finish.
"Let me call Pete and see if you can stay with him for a while, his brother is back in college so I don't see why not." Mikey said already dialing Pete's number.
“Thanks again.” I say as I take off my shoes.
“No problem,” Pete smiled. “Mikey said he’ll be over tomorrow with some clothes of yours.” Pete informed. I nodded.
“Oh Frank, stop being so formal, we’re friends not old ladies.” Pete laugh.
“Un-thank you.” I faked apologized. I heard Pete sigh as I sat down on the bed.
“You okay, Frank?” Pete asked. I inhaled loudly as I gazed downwards.
“Never better.” I lied even flashing a fake smile.
I sat there silently. He was right. Even after everything that happened tonight I still felt sad. Well hell, I had every right to be sad. The man I thought I could trust proved to me I couldn’t and threw away all the progress we made.
I was entitled to be sad. If anything I would love to be happy for once.
“Sad is all.” I state. I heard Pete sigh from the doorway.
“I understand that, you have every right to be,” Pete said as he came over and sat down next to me. “I don’t know what happened and I’m not expecting you to tell me, but it will get better Frank.” Pete smiled sympathetically.
“I wouldn’t say that.” I mutter.
“I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but I know it will,” Pete reassured. “I see the way Gerard looks at you, he may not have ever said it to you but to Mikey and I we see how much he loves you.” Pete said. I know Pete was speaking with good intentions, but he didn’t know what happened. I desperately wished Pete was right but I knew he wasn’t.
“I have a hard time believing that.” I sighed.
“I know, and maybe I’m speaking at the wrong time,” Pete paused. Yeah, he kinda was speaking at the wrong time. Pete scratched a fake itch on his head, uncertain of what he was going to say next. “Mikey and I have also had our ups and downs.” Pete admitted. Okay, that actually came as a shocker to me.
“I would have never guessed.” I said honestly.
“Yeah well, not as extreme as you and Gerard.” Pete shrugged. “What I’m trying to say is you and Gerard need each other. You guys show your love for each other in such weird ways, but you also show your hate for each other in such violent ways.” Pete explained. He was right.
“It can be a dangerous combination, but you to make it work.” Pete said. He was right, but I didn’t want to hear it at the moment.
“In all honestly, you’re probably right Pete, but I’m tired and just want to sleep at the moment.” I said. Pete nodded.
“Yeah, I’m sorry I babble a lot, but just sleep over what I said, yeah?” Pete asked.
“Yeah, totally.” I nodded.
“Night, Fronk.” Pete giggled.
I didn’t fucking sleep that night. I kept replaying what happened over and over in my head. This is what happens when Donna leaves. Total chaos.
Gerard called me. Of course I didn’t answer, but he left a voicemail.
‘Frank, I know I hurt you. I know what I did was wrong. I’ll never forgive myself and I know you never will either. You said so yourself, but it’s okay. I’ll be okay. I just don’t want to hurt anymore. I lived for you because you were my life, but now that you’re gone, I don’t know what's the point in it anymore. I feel like I’ve forced this upon myself, and that I’m going to die like every little protagonist in those fantasy books we used to read. I’ve written my story and that is that. I know it’s useless to ask you to come home, so if you’re never coming home I just want you to know that- I want you to that I lo- well, what’s the point? I’m sorry, Frank. For everything I’ve done to you. I know you'll never forgive me and that’s okay. All I want is for you to be happy. Please be happy. I’ll let you go now. Goodbye Frank.’
Shit. I hate him so much. He knew how to make me feel bad. I wonder what he was going to say before he cut himself off? Guess I’ll never know. Does he really think he can just cry to me over the phone and it fix everything? He’s wrong. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for once.
Fuck him. I want nothing to do with him. After all he has done, this just takes the cake. I’m done with Gerard and whatever fake dream relationship we had, and I want to prove that to him in the most destructive and hurtful way I possibly can. Like Pete said, we show each other how much we hate each other in violent ways.
I want Gerard to experience the mental and physical pain he put me through tonight and all the other times. I want Gerard to deeply regret what he did tonight. I want to destroy Gerard like he has me. I said it before and I’ll say it again. I always end up back where I start.
I started out hating Gerard and I will end hating Gerard.
Yep, I'm sorry for that 'The Light Behind Your Eyes' book quote. (Bang. Splatter. Flat line. i couldn't resist oops.) Again, I said this somewhere I absolutely hate these upcoming chapters. I honestly hate myself so much for the idea, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Chapter 21: Guilt Trippin
me writing this chapter: I DO NOT APPROVE
me editing this chapter: I STILL DO NOT APPROVE
feel free to hate this chapter as much as you'd like because damn, i want this chapter to burn. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR THIS CHAPTER!
The Gotham quotes in this chapter is unreal (mostly quotes from Ed and Oswald.) Can you spot them?
There are two songs that help make this chapter and I recommend you listen to before, during or after this chapter. First one is 'I Dreamed A Dream' covered by Chase Holfelder, and 'Teenage Whore'by Hole. ALSO, 'Best Sunday Dress' by Hole. That's three songs whoops.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
I sat in front of the door. Any minute now. He'll come home he always does.
"Dad?" I heard her voice coming from the hallway behind me.
"Go back to bed sweetie, I'm waiting for daddy to come home." I said trying to mask my tears from her. He'd be proud. She's twelve now.
"Dad, please." She begged.
"Dammit Bandit, I'm waiting up for Gerard!" I yell. I heard her breathe angrily in the dark hallway. She had Gerard's temper.
"You know he's not coming back, Frank!" She yelled back. I hated it when she called me by my name. She sounded just like Gerard when she did.
"Bandit, go to bed!"
"Stop doing this to yourself!" She snapped flicking on the light. "You're not the only one that lost someone, remember that lost a dad that day, I can't lose you." She said through gritted teeth. I lost it. I let the tears flow down my face as she came closer.
"Come on." She said softly as she took my hand. "It's okay, come on." She sighed pulling me away from the door.
"No!" I screamed. Bandit lowered her head as she keep pulling me away. "No!" I screamed again. "He'll come back, he's coming, wait!" I cried, but Bandit was right. She knew he wasn't coming back just as well as I did.
Bandit stopped in front of my door and wrapped her arms around me hugging me tightly.
"Get some sleep, penguin." She sighed.
"I love you." I said as she walked further down the hall to her room.
"I love you too."
I'm getting real fucking sick of these crazy dreams. It's currently five in the morning and I have about an hour till I have to get ready for school. Since I'm unfamiliar with Pete's house I decide it's best just to stay in bed until Pete is awake. I didn't want to go to school today, but I knew if I didn't Mikey would come looking for me. Or worse, Gerard.
I wonder what happened after I left last night? Honestly, I don't care. I have no clothes for school and I wouldn't dare barrow Pete's. Mikey would have my neck if I did that. All I had was the clothes I was wearing. I don't think it would be acceptable if I walked into school dressed in 'The Riddler' pajama pants and a oversized Joy Division shirt. Although, I don't give a fuck what the school thinks, I don't want to be seen in my pajamas in public. I wear all black in public. I must follow my emo code of honor...
I could text Mikey, but I'm not sure if he'll read my text before he leaves. What's the harm in trying?
F: 'i have no clothes. can you pack me a quick bag just to last me for a while and i pick it up before school?'
Now I wait. If I have no clothes I can't go to school. Not that I'm really complaining, I don't want to see Gerard right now. Not ever to put it point blank.
My phone pinged and Mikey's name flashed across the screen.
M: 'sure, why are you up?'
F: 'can't sleep and your boyfriend snores loud. i can hear him all the way across the hall'
M: 'tell me about it. are you okay? is there anything you need? we'll be over there in no time.' Jesus, you sound like a overprotective mom. Mikey is never this.. Nice? Only person that is really protective and caring like this is... Gerard..
F: 'is this gerard?' That was a bold move. If it wasn't Gerard then Mikey would assume I still like Gerard, but that's not the case. It's just I know when my boyfriend- I mean ex-boyfriend is talking. It took a while for 'Mikey' to respond, but when he did I knew it wasn't Mikey.
M: 'what? No what makes you think that?' Oh I don't know, maybe the fucking laughing emoji face shit at the end! Can't fool me bitch. Why would he take Mikey's phone just to talk to me? If he wanted to talk to me, be a man and do it.
F: 'after everything lying to me would not be smart'
I turned my phone off. I didn't want to hear it anymore.
I sat in the car for what felt like hours. If I was comfortable with driving I would've steal Pete's car and drive to school and leave Pete to ride with Mikey and Gerard. Although, I'm the complete opposite of comfortable when it comes to driving. Something about it just freaks me out and I won't drive unless I have to.
Pete went inside to 'get my clothes' but it doesn't take half an hour to get my clothes. To be honest, I envy Pete and Mikey's relationship. It must be nice having a boyfriend that doesn't take drugs and keep you up half the night as you worry if they're ok after you break up. I need to stop. I'm happy for them.
Finally, Pete came back with my bag of clothes. But there was one problem.
"Pete, who packed this?" I asked as I stifled through the bag of clothes.
"I don't know, Gerard came out of his room with it." Pete shrugged as his eyes focused on the road. Of course.
"Uh-huh, so that would explain why all the fucking clothes in this bag are Gerard's." I snap as I dig through in hopes to find something of mine. Pete laughed. Excuse me?
"Damn, looks like Gerard is marking his territory." Pete chuckled. This comment infuriated me.
"Yeah well, Gerard's needs to understand I am not his." I say through gritted teeth. I didn't want to yell at him, so I distracted myself by getting dressed. Yes, in the car. You don't know embarrassment and fear until you've tried changing in a moving car.
I'll have to admit, it was kind of sweet Gerard packed a bag of his clothes for me. It was like taking a little piece of home with me. Dammit, his clothes even smelled like him. The blue jeans that are skinny on him are a bit baggy on me. Shit, that's kind of adorable. And the white shirt with paint stains all over it was so big on me that it exposed my collarbones. Fuck, it smells so much like him. I'm really starting to mi- No.
"Frank, he was a mess in there. It's like he was silently hoping you'd be behind me and when he saw you weren't he handed me the clothes and left." Pete explained. What is this? The Frank Iero guilt trip?
"If that whole little visit inside was you and Mikey plotting to guilt trip me back into Gerard and I's relationship, it's not working." I said sternly as I crossed my arms over my chest. I know I was acting like a child, but I was too bitchy to realize that I was literally acting like Oswald Cobblepot. It's obvious you still love Ed you little penguin bitch.
'It wasn't, but maybe give Gerard another chance." Pete suggested. Another chance? Look how many fucking second chances I've given him. I forgave him for all the times he abused me in the past. I forgave him for kicking me out when I came out. Wait a minute, he has done more good than bad though.. Like the time he threw coffee on Bert, or the time he let me cry on his shoulder when I had a nightmare and then sing me back to sleep after. Fuck, I hate to admit it. I don't care fuck him.
"Whatever." I scoff.
Pete and I arrived at school just when the bell rang. The halls quickly flooded with kids. Great. I felt like shit and most likely looked like shit too. I didn't want to see Gerard at all today. He has nerve for packing me a bag full of his clothes. I also didn't want to see him because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of him seeing me in his clothes. I feared if I saw him I would probably break down and forgive him.
That's not going to be the case. I'm upset and angry with him. I don't forgive him and secretly want to cry because I miss him and his little quirks and especially his smell. No, I'm angry. I need to be in control of my emotions for once.
"Lookie lookie who it is." Pete said from behind me. I looked up from where I was putting in my combination to see who Pete was talking about. There were so many people around me I didn't know who he was talking about. Then I spotted him.
Gerard was standing by Mikey's locker. I didn't notice at first, I was too busy looking at him to realize he was looking at me dead in the face. I froze in his gaze. I quickly looked away as I felt the blush rise in my cheeks. Why was I even blushing? It was kind of alarming. He had absolutely no emotions on his face. Not love, not anger, not fear, not sadness. Nothing.
"Shut up Pete, go suck faces with your boyfriend." I rolled my eyes.
"How about you suck faces with your boyfriend?" Pete snickered. That's it.
I slammed my locker shut and grabbed Pete by the collar of his shirt and shoved him against the lockers behind him.
"Alright Frank, I'm sorry." Pete raised his hands in surrender.
"You don't know what happened that night so stop trying to force something with no potential. Now go enjoy your happy fucking relationship." I spat as I gripped his shirt tightly.
"You don't think Mikey didn't tell me?" Pete said softly. My grip loosened as realization hit me. Of course Mikey told him everything. "And don't speak in a department you don't know about Frank." He added. I don't know why I was shocked. Of course Mikey would tell him, but if Pete knew the why was he still pushing to Gerard?
"Frank." I heard a voice come from behind me. I knew it was Mikey. He sounded calm, considering I had his boyfriend shoved up against the lockers. I ignored him as I glowered at Pete. Pete's face was at easy, giving the circumstances. His face was soft and eyes calm. Fuck, now I know why Mikey loved him. He had a very pleasing face.
I turned my head, still keeping Pete pinned against the lockers and met eyes with Mikey.
"Let him go." Mikey demanded in a low voice. I could here a small bit of anger but it wasn't threatening. I glanced behind him and caught Gerard's gaze once again, but this time his face was more tense rather than relaxed and emotionless. His jaw was clenched tight and his eyes were squinted ever so slightly. I dropped Pete as I was set under Gerard's spell.
What has he done to me?
"What's going on, Frank?" Pete asked sadly from behind me. Mikey was looking at me with expectant eyes but I ignored them. I held Gerard's gaze. It's only been a day without him but it feels like a lifetime. His hazel eyes felt like they were burning holes in my soul. His presence was menacing. Wasn't I supposed to be hating him? In this moment I didn't care. I fell into a trance where everything seemed to go black and the only thing that mattered was Gerard. He was always the only thing that mattered.
I swallowed hard. The back of my throat felt like sandpaper.
"I see you received your clothes." Gerard broke the silence. My mind was at a standstill. Everything that has happened in the last forty-eight hours was completely wash away by the sound of his voice.
Control yourself, Frank.
I snapped out of my trance.
Gerard's voice may have been calm and relaxing, it may have been the best thing I've heard all day, but I can't just let him toy with my emotions. Not again.
"If you were smart you'd stop trying to save our hopeless cause." I warn. Gerard's face tightened again, but he didn't speak. I felt Pete lay a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Get over it." I growl through gritted teeth as I shove Pete off me and storm away.
As I walked away I felt the guilt eat away in my mind. Maybe I was too harsh? Why should I care. Because you always have, Frank. Well, not anymore. You always will.
I needed to get away from Gerard before things got worse. I don't want anything between us. I don't want to look at him, or hear his voice or smell his scent. Who am I kidding? I crave it. I want it all back and more, but not everything works out that way.
Things always get worse before they got better, but I was now starting to question if things were ever going to get better.
Gerard started talking with Bert again.
I watched them intently as they stood in the corner of the cafeteria. There are tables, sit in them and stop looking all mysterious and shit.
“You okay, bud?” Pete asked. Even as Gerard talked to him he still looked at me. He stared at me with angry in his eyes. I wasn’t sure what Bert was saying, but I had a feeling it was about me. Fuck him. Fuck Gerard. I don’t need him. I never did.
“Sure.” I answered, pulling my gaze away from Gerard. Mikey looked down the table and then back at me.
“Here come on, let’s go talk by the trash, there are too many people here.” Mikey said handing me a wrapper to throw away. I followed behind Pete and Mikey, the whole time I felt Gerard’s eyes on the back of my head. Take a picture it will last longer, bitch.
Mikey turned around to face me, but I notice his eyes divert to the direction of his brother, then I saw his face pale. I know, seeing Gerard talking with Bert is shocking to us all. I didn’t care to look at them again. Then, I heard Pete gasp.
“Oh my fucking god.” He breathed. What? I went to turn around but Mikey stopped me as he pulled me into his chest so I couldn’t see. I already saw them talking, and stop treating me like a child.
“Dude, let me go.” I groaned as I broke free from Mikey’s grip. “They’re just talk-” I cut myself off as I turned around. They weren't just talking.
I took in a shaky breath.
Gerard looked me dead in the eye as he- as he made out with Bert McCracken.
I couldn’t moved. I just stared at them. My hands started shaking as I tried to keep my tears at bay. My mouth fell open as Gerard looked at me with an evil expression plastered on his face.
Gerard was kiss Bert. The lips I kissed now belonged to another.
They pulled apart and all Gerard could do was smirk at me. I hate him. Bert turned back to face me and waved his fingers with a smug expression on his face. I wanted them to die. I know that’s a bit extreme, but I want Gerard to die knowing that I hate him with every inch of my being. But I wanted him to witness this first.
“Fuck you.” I witness in his direction. With that, I turned on my heal and grabbed Mikey by the back of the neck and pulled him down to my height and-
“Frank!” Pete yelled from behind Mikey. I didn’t listen as I pressed my lips harder against Mikey’s. The kiss only lasted a few seconds before Pete pushed me away. I wasn’t done yet. I then quickly grabbed Pete by his collar again and pulled him into me. I smashed our lips together and gripped the back of Pete’s neck. He gasped in shock and I took no hesitation in slipping my tongue in. Pete pushed away and I stumbled back slightly.
I turned back to face Gerard, who was staring at me with pure rage. His mouth hung open slightly. I hope he gets every terrible thing coming for him.
I wiped the small bit of saliva off my lips as I stared into his eyes. I smiled sickly as I ran my tongue over my bottom lip.
“Fuck you.” I mouth as I stuck up my middle finger, then walked towards the exit of the lunch room.
“What the fuck was that today?” Pete asked as he sat down on the bed next to me. I could hear the anger in his voice, but I could tell he was trying to mask it.
“I’m sorry.” I said as I wiped my eyes.
“Frank, you can’t just cry and say you're sorry and expect people to forgive you when you do something wrong.” Pete sighed as he rested a hand on my knee. He was right, but I want Gerard to suffer as much as I do. I want him to feel what I feel. I wanted Gerard to feel the pain I felt in that moment, but instead he smirked at me without a care in the world. So why am I crying? Why am I sad about it?
Maybe because I’m realizing how much I still like Gerard and how much I miss him, but it seems as though I mean nothing to him.
Maybe this was his plan all along? Take me in at a time when I’m most valuable and make me feel loved and accepted just for it to end like this? Was this whole relationship just a sick joke Bert and Gerard were playing on me? It was. Gerard never liked me. This was his plan all along. Take me in, make me fall in love with him, then reveal it was all a joke.
Did he ever stop talking to Bert? He probably spoke with him behind my back and told him their plan was working. Gerard never changed. He made me believe he did. Just like he made me believe there was someone out there that actually loved me for me and wasn’t ashamed of me. He made me believe all these things. All these lies. I expect the beatings to return. I just want to hold on to the good memories I had of him, even if they were fake. I want to believe this isn’t a joke and that this all never happened.
The time I knew him felt like a dream, but know I’m awake. I wish I gone on sleeping. After the break up, I thought I hated Gerard again, but now I’m realizing my hatred never left. So why am I crying?
Because you loved him you fool.
“Frank?” Pete asked more softly. I lifted my head up. “You know Mikey and I forgive you, what you did was extremely wrong, but we forgive you. You can always talk to us.” Pete smiled sadly.
“I’m sorry, but thank you.” I sniffed.
“You still love him, don’t you?” Pete asked.
“Yeah well, he never loved me so what’s the point?” I ask as I pull back the covers and nestle into them. “What good is love if it’s one sided?” I added. I heard Pete sigh.
“It’s not.” He sighed as he turned off the bedside lamp. “Just know we’re always here for you. You may not see it now but you’ll get through this, I know you will.” Pete smiled in the dark.
“Thank you Pete, for everything.” I yawned.
“You’re welcome, get some sleep.” Pete said as he tassled my hair before he left.
I’m glad I have friends like Pete. People I know will always be there for me. These past few days I’ve realized how much of a true, good friend Pete is. Mikey too.
I should have went to Pete.
YEAH THERE'S THAT CHAPTER I HATE IT MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF AND GUESS WHAT? THAT NEXT CHAPTER IS EVEN WORSE. FUCK. MY. LIFE!
LETS HURRY UP AND GET TO THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
IF THERE EVEN IS A LIGHT (im evil whoops)
ALSO, BLESS PETER KINGSTON LEWIS WENTZ III. HE IS TRYING TO SAVE THIS SHIP. AND MIKEY. FRANK AND PETE'S FRIENDSHIP IS WHAT I LIVE FOR BITCH
PETEKEY TO THE RESCUE
see ya in the next update
Chapter 22: I Walk Straight Into This Mess Of Mine
Trigger Warning. Mentions of self-harm.
This chapter is long overdue.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
I should have went to Pete.
I promised myself I wouldn't fall this low again. I told myself I would never fall this low again, but back then I had a reason. Now that reason is gone and so is my promise.
I watched as the blood dripped into the sink. I watched all the happy memories flow out of my wrist and into the sink. My wrist started to burn. I lost count of how many marks I made. Too many. I told myself losing Gerard meant nothing to me, but I missed him more than I thought I would.
It will be almost impossible to hide them from Pete. Shit, what have I done? I already regret it. He was the one time I let love weaken me, and I want my scarred skin as a constant reminder to never make that mistake again.
I sighed as I splashed cold water on my arms to somewhat stop the bleeding and so it wouldn't hurt so much later. After that, I pulled my sweatshirt back over my head, hiding myself.
"Oh, hello Frank, dinner will be served at six." Pete's mom greeted me out in the hallway. I smiled softly as I wrapped my arms around myself.
"Thank you, Mrs. Wentz." I nod as I walked back into my room. I appreciated all the help Pete's family has provided me, but everything seemed like a knock off version of home. Well, what use to be my home. The family dinner, the caring mother, Pete was like a less aggressive Mikey. It was all too much like home and I wasn't sure if I liked it.
I should have talked to Pete.
No use in crying over spilt milk. What's done is done.
Even if this was all just some sick joke, I fell for it. I fell hard. My hate for Gerard is now gone and his now replaced by sadness. I didn't hate Gerard for being mean to me or bullying me you could say, it was my own fault for believing he actually loved me. I didn't hate Gerard. I'm not even sad really. It's all numb to me. I don't feel sad, I don't feel mad, I feel nothing. I was now ready to talk about it and that's what I was doing.
"You really think it was a joke?" Pete asked. I shrugged as I squeezed the pillow in my arms.
"What else could it be?" I asked.
"Well," Pete started as he grabbed a pillow and mimicked my position. "It could easily be another drug high." He suggested.
"So, he hits me but kisses Bert?" I ask.
"I bet he was trying to make you jealous and so you retaliated the same way." Pete noted. He was probably right. I did try and make Gerard jealous by kissing Mikey and then Pete, but what was an act of revenge at the time now feels like a punch in the face. Literally.
"Yeah." I sigh. Awkward silence filled the room. I abandoned the pillow I was holding and so did Pete.
"Frank, can I be serious with you for a second?" Pete asked. I glanced at him curiously, the nodded my head. "I saw your arms when your sleeve rolled up during dinner." Pete admitted. I froze. My mouth felt dry and I struggled to breathe.
"Talk to me." Pete cut me off. "Don't tell me you're fine or it won't happen again, talk to me." Pete said simply. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around myself and made sure my sleeves didn't roll up this time.
"I was doing so well, almost two years clean." I admitted. I kept my gaze on a random stitch in the comforter. I didn't dare look Pete in the eye. I was too scared. Not just scared, but embarrassed as well.
"What happened?" Pete asked softly. He didn't sound mad, but Pete is very good at masking his emotions. I felt the tears well up in my eyes again. Why did I do it? Why did I throw away all those months of being clean? Why did I let myself fall apart again? There wasn't a doubt in my mind why. I knew the reason and what a petty reason it is.
Not only am I sad that it ended, I'm mad at myself for doing something so stupid as relapsing. To make matters worse, I wanted to do it again. I wanted to do it again and again until there was nothing left and I was nothing at all. All over some stupid boy that I thought loved me.
There is no reason to litter yourself in scars over someone that doesn't want you. There is nothing in this world worth hurting yourself over. Why can't I realize that?
"You know what happened." I answered as I wiped my eyes.
"Why! So you can tell me how stupid I am? So you can run back and tell Mikey? So you can pity me? No thank you." I snapped, letting the tears flow freely.
"Frank, I'm not doing this to judge you, I'm doing this so you can understand that you can trust me and I can help you get through this." Pete explained as he looked at me with sad eyes. There's the look. The sad look in his eyes that says he pities me. I hated it. I didn't want it.
"Get through this?" I laugh. "How do you expect me to get over the one person that was truly there for me? He would drop everything for me, despite his own problems! He was the only person that gave me a reason to keep fight and stay alive! How do I get over someone like that?" I cried. Pete was silent. I couldn't stop the tears as they continued to fall. My hands began to tremble and my body felt numb.
"Come here." Pete whispered as he held his arms open. I scooted over to him and crashed into his chest as I cried. After all that's happened, I needed this. I needed a fucking hug and a shoulder to cry on.
"He was all I had." I cried into his chest. "And now he's gone." I sobbed as I balled up Pete's shirt in my fist.
"I know, Frank." He sighed rubbing my back. "Believe me, I know." He said.
"You don't know shit." I snapped as I continued to cry. Pete didn't say anything. He just sat there and let me cry in his arms. "I miss him, I don't care anymore I miss him." I cried.
These past few days I've been acting like I hated Gerard, but it was all an act. Yes, I was mad at him at first. Furious at him, but deep down, under all that anger and hate I missed him more than ever.
That night I showed my true colors to Pete. I was thankful I had Pete. Without him who knows what would've happened.
I hated to admit it, but I missed Gerard. I missed him more than anything, but I hated him for doing what he did. I gave him my heart and he broke it. I was stupid in the first place to even fall for him in the first place. Relationships are stupid. They always end in heartbreak. Some sooner than others. Everyone ends up the same way they started. Alone. So why did I waste my time?
In my dreams we're happy. There is no pain, no nightmares, nothing but happiness. In my dream none of this ever happened. In my dreams the Gerard I loved isn't dead, but that's only in my dreams. I've made my hell now I must live in it. No more stepping around and avoiding this. It's time for me to walk straight into this mess of mine.
The next morning I woke with a massive headache. The bed was still warm from where Pete slept. Pete didn't leave me last night. I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember waking up sometime in the night and saw Pete passed out next to me. Again, he snores loudly.
I was thankful Pete didn't leave me. The last thing I needed was to be alone. I didn't even want to think of what I would've done if I was alone. Again, thanks Pete.
I heard voices coming from the hallway. Pete must've gotten up to talk to his family or something. I rolled out of bed to go find him, but stopped before I opened the door. Did he just mention me? I pressed my ear to the door and listened closely. I know eavesdropping is considered rude, but I heard my name so I was curious.
"How is he?" Pete asked. I didn't hear anyone reply so I assumed he was on the phone. "Three more days?" Pete asked sounding unamused. "I thought she was coming home today, is everything okay?" He asked.
By this point I could tell he was talking to Mikey and I guess they're talking about Donna? I'm guessing Donna's trip has been extended?
"Mikey, it's getting bad." Pete lowered his voice. "I know I know, Gerard better feel like shit because after last night I want to nail him right in the face." Pete snapped. Damn Pete..
"What do you mean he had a breakdown?" Pete asked. He fell silent before he spoke again. "He didn't do anything, did he?" Pete asked. Oh god, I hope not.
"Oh ok. Is he still acting like a bitch?" Pete asked bluntly. At the moment I didn't care about Gerard being a bitch. Was he okay? What happened when he had a breakdown? Donna needs to come home soon. I wonder if she knows about what's going on? Probably not, Mikey wouldn't bother her on 'vacation'. Although, I think this situation would be easier with Donna. Why does everything go wrong when Donna leaves?
Could we really last three more days without Donna? Are we going to even tell Donna?
"Just a breakdown, ok I can deal with that." Pete sighed. Gerard had a breakdown? Over me? Last time he had a breakdown it was at the hospital with Mikey and I held him on the hospital floor. That was when I was convinced I really hated Gerard. I can only imagine how hard it was for Mikey to calm him down. It amazes me that Gerard actually broke down, over me. He had a breakdown last time because his brother was dying, he had a breakdown now because why? He caused this, so why would he be hurt over it? Not like he actually cared in the first place.
"Mikey, it happened." Pete dropped his voice. I could practically hear Mikey yell 'what happened' over the phone. "He- he cut himself."
"He's sleeping. Yeah, I'll go check on him." Shit. I quickly ran back to bed and pretended I was asleep.
Footsteps came down the hall before the door creaked open. I could hear my heart hammer in my chest. What would happen if Pete found out I was listening?
"Yeah he's passed out." Pete whispered into the phone. "Gerard wants to talk to me?" He questioned. I haven't even had my morning coffee yet and today has already been eventful. "Hey, bud," Pete greeted. Pete was silent for a few minutes. I assumed he was listening to Gerard.
"Gee Gee, slow down, yes he's fine, yes yes." Pete sighed. Was Gerard worried about me? But didn't he make out with Bert? Wasn't this whole relationship just an evil joke? Make me believe he loved me just so he can reveal it was an evil joke? I don't know what to believe anymore. This is all so confusing.
"I'm not here to be your friend right now, but just know you hurt him bad." Pete said sternly. Pete took in a deep breath as he walked to the door. "He misses you." He added more calmly. Don't tell him that. It will make me seem weak. Although, I guess it's only fair. I know that he had a breakdown and he knows that I miss him but he doesn't know everything. Mikey does though. I just hope he doesn't tell Gerard.
"He's fine Gerard. No he hasn't done anything." Pete said as he shut the door behind him as he left. He lied. He told Gerard I did nothing when I certainly did something. I would have said the same though. I would have lied to protect Gerard.
I was overwhelmed with everything going on and I only woke up a few minutes ago. With all of this racing through my mind before I had coffee, I soon fell back asleep.
My headache was completely gone when I woke up again. Pete was back laying beside me with his phone up to his face. I didn’t notice him at first till I rolled over and saw him playing what looked like an online card game. Nerd.
“Morning, sleeping beauty.” He said without looking up from his phone.
“What time is it?” I croak.
“Time for you to take a shower.” He laughed.
“Nah you smell fine, but you might wanna take a shower before you go home. I don’t want Mikey thinking I made you sleep outside.” Pete smiled. There it is. He’s sending me home. I didn’t want to leave just yet. I wasn’t ready to face Gerard, but I have to sometime, right? I have to go home before Donna comes back anyway.
“Sending me home already?” I ask. Pete stretched upward as he sat up.
“Frank, a lot has happened since you left, Gerard had a mental breakdown and almost had to go to the hospital and Donna won’t be home till Monday.” Pete sighed.
“What day is it anyway?” I asked, ignoring what he said about Gerard.
“Friday, yes I’m letting you skip school, but that’s not the point,” he paused. “Gerard fucked up, he fucked up hard, but he misses you and don’t you lie to me and say you don’t miss him because you do.” Pete added. He was right. I did miss him.
“So what you’re saying is I should go home and Gerard and I should make up?” I ask.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying.” Pete admitted. I looked down at me legs which were covered by the blanket.
“Well, what if we don’t make up and we remain like this forever?” I question.
“Please Frank, how many times have you guys fought and made up?” He asked. He had a point. Back when Gerard kicked me out when I came out and that same night he came to my bedside window and also came out. We made up that same night and it ended with us cuddling half naked on his bed.
“A few times.” I mumble.
“Exactly, so how about you take a nice warm shower and I’ll take you home?” Pete suggests. I know I should go home, but I’m scared of what will happen if we don’t make up.
“Fine.” I sighed. Pete smiled.
“Don’t be surprised if we’re still not talking on Monday.” I groan as I step out of the car.
“I’m sure things will work out!” He called as I shut the door. I hope so.
As Pete pulled back out of the driveway and I made my way closer to the house I started to wonder if anyone was even home? Mikey and Gerard might be at school. I shrugged off the thought as I made my way up the stairs. What’s the worst that could happen? I know Gerard misses me and he knows that I miss him. This should be simple, right? Wrong.
I knocked the door just to see if anyone was actually home. No answer. I knocked again.
“Get the door!” I heard someone yell. I couldn’t tell who the voice belonged to but I didn’t matter once the door opened. Jesus, he looked like shit. His face paled as his eyes landed on me. He didn’t speak he just stared.
“F-Frank?” He stuttered.
“It’s rude to stare, y’know.” I comment as I tried distracting my mind away from jumping into his arms and hugging him. It was a hard task, but for the moment I’ll just have to be satisfied with looking at him.
“Gerard, the least you can do is let me in.” I scoff. He did. What a day it’s been. I still haven’t had my morning coffee.
quick side note. THIS BOOK HAS HIT 1K READS ON WATTPAD!!
Chapter 23: It's The Tearing Sound Of Love Notes
Trigger Warning. Mentions of self-harm and eating disorders.
I wish I could say Gerard and I made up and we forgot about this whole ordeal. Well, so far that hasn't happened. Ever since I arrived home yesterday I haven't came out of my room. Only to take a piss of course, but I haven't eaten or had any coffee since god knows when.
"Frank, dinner." Mikey called as he knocked on my door.
"Not hungry." I called back. I heard him groan on the other side of the door.
"Stop being a brat and come eat." He snapped. I rolled my eyes. Maybe I was being a brat, but I didn't care. I didn't want to see him. "Don't make me come in there." He warned. Since when did Mikey become my mother? I rolled out of bed and put my sweater back on. Mikey may know about me cutting again, but I'll be damned if Gerard finds out.
I wasn't trying to protect Gerard. If he saw what I did it would possibly send him into downward spiral that I might not be able to pull him out of. No, I was hiding because I didn't want Gerard to see how weak I was. How low I let myself fall. How much losing him impacted me. I wasn't protecting him.
I didn't look at Mikey as I walked past him. I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen without saying a word. I didn't plan on sitting next to Gerard like I normally do, but when I entered the kitchen I noticed there was only three chairs instead of four. Two on one side of the table, one on the other.
I went for the chair across from the other two, but Mikey quickly stopped me.
"Frank, this is my seat." He said like a teacher scolding a kindergarten student. All I did was glare at him as I took the empty seat next to Gerard. I kept my arms close to me and kept as much distance from Gerard as I could.
"Nothing like family dinner." Mikey sighed. Neither of us said anything. Mikey wasn't much of a cook so for dinner we had spaghetti and garlic bread. I wasn't complaining though.
At the moment, all I had on my mind was food. I could careless about Gerard right now. Yeah, screw that guy. I care about my food more than him because I am a man with priorities and-
"I'm not hungry." Gerard shrugged as he pushed his plate away. Excuse me? I set my fork down and looked at him. Not just looked at him, really looked at him. It's been a while since I last saw him and he looks so different. Guess a lot can happen in a few days. Suddenly I could careless about my food.
I had a terrible feeling Gerard did more than just 'have a breakdown'. I didn't feel like being nice at the moment. I was too hungry to be nice and Gerard was interrupting me stuffing my face, but I care about Gerard's health more than mine. Of course, I won't show it right now.
"Really, you're going to do this again?" I asked unamused. Gerard looked down at me with a blank expression on his face.
"Do what again?" He asked simply. Really? I mean come on. If this is what you think is going to win me back, you are completely wrong.
"Oh, I'm not hungry, twenty minutes later I'll find you hunched over the toilet with your fingers shoved down your throat." I snap. That was harsh, but I don't give a damn.
Anger flashed in his eyes for a second before it disappeared. He took a deep breath in and held it for a second longer before exhaling.
"You're one to talk, Frank." He said surprisingly calm. It angered me how calm he was. I tightly clenched my fist.
"Now now, no need to fight." Mikey chimed in. The both of us quickly turned our heads to face him. "I mean unless fighting is going to make you two realize how childish you're both being, then sure. Fight away." He said with a smug smile on his face.
"I'm not being childish!" Gerard and I both yelled in unison. I glared at him from the corner of my eye. Mikey took in a deep breath before he spoke.
"Well, I'm not the one breaking kitchen chairs because his boyfriend is upset at him." Mikey raised his voice angrily. Gerard's face dropped, but he quickly composed himself.
"I'll be leaving now." Gerard said, trying to hide the anger in his voice. He wasn't doing a very good job. I quickly grabbed his wrist and yanked him back.
"Don't go." I smile sickly. I wanted to more about what happened while I was gone. Gerard's once calm expression was now gone and replaced by pure rage. Gerard grasped my hand that was around his wrist and squeezed tightly. He stared into my eyes with- with hurt? He looked as if he hated everyone and everything in this moment, but his eyes told a different story.
Suddenly he removed his hand off mine and in one quick motion, he rolled down the sleeve of my sweater. The room seemed to freeze around me as Gerard held my arm there for all of us to see. My confidence quickly faded as Gerard looked me dead in the eye.
I felt betrayed. Mikey told him.
"Next time you want to judge me on how I coped with losing you, take a look at yourself first." He said quietly as he released my arm and walked away.
I guess it was only fair. I knew that he crashed and now he knows that I crashed.
"Well, so much for family dinner." Mikey sighed tiredly.
I wish I could say after that, Gerard and I forgave each other and everything that happened was just water under the bridge. But that wasn't the case. For us to kiss and makeup seemed impossible. Donna would be home Monday and the possibility of Gerard and I to makeup in one day was near impossible.
I just hope I'm not the one that has to explain to Donna what happened.
I was right. Gerard and I made absolutely no progress on Sunday. I did keep an ear out when he would go to the bathroom. I heard nothing unusual, so that was relieving. I'm past hating Gerard now. Hate is a word that I throw around so much to the point that it means nothing to me. I hate the sun, I hate my mother, I hate my life, I hate Gerard. The list goes on, but don't hate those things. I once thought I did, but now I just don't care. I don't care for those things anymore. They mean nothing to me.
That's not the case with Gerard. Of course I care for him. I never stopped actually. I thought I did, but then again I think a lot of things.
I don't hate Gerard I'm just following along with the act. I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what he's thinking and I don't know if his actions are reflecting his emotions.
As of today, Monday morning I'm just playing the roll.
"So, I'm going to assume you to are still going to act like children and leave me to explain to mom what happened?" Mikey asked from the kitchen table. Neither of us said anything. We're acting extremely childish, but I'm pretending to be, unlike someone.
Gerard stood in the corner glaring at me as he delicately sipped on his coffee. I ignored his glares as I made my own. I normally enjoy my morning coffee. It gives me time to not focus on all the shit that's going on, but today was different. I was far from enjoying anything this morning.
"Fuck it." I mumbled under my breath as I dumped the coffee down the kitchen sink. Today is already going to shit.
"Let's just go." Mikey sighed as he grabbed his bag. Gerard watched me with hateful eyes as he set his now empty coffee mug in the sink. I mimicked him even though I didn't mean it. I'm just playing the roll. I may not like it, but it doesn't matter.
He's mad at me for god knows what and I'm pretending to hate him for who knows why. My only genuine emotion that's coursing through me at the moment is anger. I'm angry at everything that's going on. Everything Gerard's done, everything I've done. Hell, just everything.
Oh, and the rain.
This is sort of a filler chapter. My apologies.
Not really sure what to say. It might take a while for chapter twenty-four to come out but it's in the works.
Chapter 24: Kiss Me You Animal
I was starting to deeply regret not having coffee this morning. It hasn't even been twenty minutes and I'm already falling asleep.
Mr. Ross was pacing the front of the room as he made his usual morning lectures about things I could careless about. His lectures always start off with a story and end with an assignment. He gets your attention with a fairly interesting story, then pops you with work.
Well, that's not going to work on me today because I was the dumbass and didn't have my morning coffee.
"In the summer of 1974 there was a band that toured the country-." I tuned out the rest of what he was saying. I didn't care. Too tired to care. I'm practically an angry zombie with no coffee. I'm just going to rest my eyes for a few seconds.
"I recommend you listen if you want to pass this semester, Mr. Iero." Mr. Ross raises his voice which causes me to flinch awake. I didn't even remember putting my head down.
This is going to be a long day.
Pete and I have talked more today then we have over the past few days, but it wasn't a subject I wanted to talk about.
"All I'm saying is give him a second chance." Pete reasoned as I grabbed what I needed for my next class.
"I'm done giving second chances, Pete." I sighed tiredly as I shut my locker. I still had three more classes till lunch. If Pete's going to pester me all day about this I might as well make out with his boyfriend again.
"Whatever you say." Pete shrugged as he waited for Mikey. Unfortunately, Gerard wasn't far behind him. I didn't leave because I wanted to walk with Pete. I didn't want to walk to my next class alone. I was walking with Pete. Not Gerard. Yeah.
Once Mikey and Gerard met up to where we were, we continued walking down the congested halls.
I noticed Pete and Mikey fell behind me a bit, leaving Gerard and I to walk in front of them side by side. I kept my head down and my eyes diverted away from Gerard. He did the same. We didn't speak and we stayed as far apart from each other as we could in the crowded hallway. Which wasn't very easy considering we kept bumping into each other every few seconds. I swear to god, bump me one more time and I'll bump you in the face. With my face.. Frank, stop it.
Suddenly, the persistent bumping turned into Gerard's whole body being shoved into mine. Gerard groaned as he ran into me. Behind him, I saw Mikey laughing. That motherfucker.
Before I could protest, I felt a pair of hands being shoved into my back. I grunted as I crashed into Gerard. I looked behind Gerard to see Pete and Mikey high fiving each other. Those fucking dicks. What was the point in doing that?
My questioned was soon answered.
"Fuck it." Gerard muttered as he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and slammed my body into the lockers behind me. I dropped my books from the impact and watched as Mikey's expression grew worried and Pete seemed to panic a bit. Fuck, that was not pleasant. I was expecting to get beaten up again just like old times, but what happened next was the complete opposite.
Gerard attacked my lips with his own as he pressed his body against mine, pinning me against the lockers. It took me a moment to realize what was happening, but when I did, I took no time in lacing my fingers in his hair and pulling him impossibly closer. This makes up for practically breaking my back a few seconds ago. I gripped his hair tightly as I pulled him down closer to me. I should be pushing him away. I shouldn't be viciously making out with Gerard up against the lockers and making him moan as I tug on his hair. But I was, and I was loving every second of it.
I gasped as Gerard rolled his hips onto mine, which he took as an opportunity to deepen the kiss even more. I tugged back on his hair more and he whined against my lips. God, I miss him. His scent, his skin, all of it.
Guess I could say, I missed your musk. I'll go home.
"Guys, I think that's enough!" Mikey called from behind us. We didn't listen. Well, I did but teasing is more fun. A wise man once said it's fun to tease your boyfriend. That wise man was Mikey Way. I'm not saying Gerard is my boyfriend, but it's fun nonetheless.
I ignored Mikey as I snaked my other arm around Gerard's waist and rolled my hips slowly and forcefully against his, earning myself another moan from him.
After that I pushed him off me. Gerard stumbled back a bit but he kept his eyes on me the whole time.
His eyes were hungry and animalistic. All I did was smirk as I wiped the thin line of saliva off my lips. We stared each other down until the bell rang signalling we were late.
"Better get to class." I state as I bent down to collect my books that I had dropped. Mikey and Pete both gawked at us with a mixture of shock and amazement.
Now I have to deal with a boner for the rest of the day.
I can't believe I let him do that. How dare he think that he can just kiss me like that and expect me to forgive him.
"Shit fuck cocksucking Jesus motherfucking fuck shit bitch." I muttered as I continued walking down the street. Not sure why I thought walking in the middle of fucking November was a good idea without a jacket.
It was nearing closer and closer towards December and the air was growing colder. The sun was setting fast, which only made it colder outside. I don't even know how many times I've walked around the block. My skin was starting to numb.
"Fuck this." I groaned as I walked back up the stairs and sat on the porch. I shivered as I rubbed the palm of my hands against my arms, in hopes to gain some warmth. I don't even remember why I was mad anymore.
"Do you wanna come in now?" Donna asked from the doorway. Oh yeah Donna's home too. Mikey informed her about all what happened this past week, but he left out the gruesome details. Like me making Gerard moan like a little bitch in the hallway. Okay, that was a bit exaggerated. This walk was supposed to calm me down. Well, I'm not very fucking calm.
"I'm fine for now." I say. I heard her sigh as she shut the door. I wasn't ready to go back inside, even though I was freezing. I was still angry about god knows what anymore.
Maybe I should give Gerard a second chance? What good would it be if I went around acting like I still hated him? It'll be easier to bite the bullet now and make up. But how? 'Hey Gerard, making out with you in the hall made me realize how madly in love I am with you, let's just forget this all happened and move back into the mansion.' This isn't Gotham, Frank.
I don't know. I don't know anything at the moment. I'm freezing, I'm slightly hungry and I still haven't had my fucking morning coffee.
I don't know how long I sat there. Not only were my limbs numb, but so was my butt from sitting for so long. It was completely dark now. I could only see to the end of the driveway. The moon wasn't very bright, due to the clouds and the orange streetlights wasn't enough to see the whole road. I watched the occasional car pass by as I continued to rub my arms for warmth and wondered what the fuck was I still doing outside.
Suddenly, I heard the door creak open behind me, followed by footsteps and the sound of something dragging along the wooden porch.
Without warning, I was wrapped in a warm comforter. Soundlessly, Gerard sat down next to me as he adjusted the comforter around me more. He's been very quiet after what happened today. Almost as if he knew he did wrong. He didn't though, but he's still been isolated and skittish around me.
I was now starting to feel a lot warmer. I thanked Gerard in my mind. I'm not sure how long we sat there in silence, but after a while I noticed Gerard starting to shiver.
"Are you cold?" I asked, breaking the silence. He seemed surprised by my question. He shook his head. Liar. I doesn't take a detective to know that he's cold. I took it upon myself and encased him in the blanket with me. He eventually gave in and scooted closer to me. I wrapped the blanket and my arm around him and pulled him into me as close as I could, then rested my chin on his head.
Gerard took in a shaky breath as he rested his head against my chest.
"Y-you walked around the block s-seven times." He stated. I wasn't counting, apparently he was. I couldn't tell if he was stuttering because he was cold or if he was in shock. Either way, I wasn't going to push him. After today we both realized how stupid it was to keep pretending like we hated each other. I was pissed when I came home, which explains why I took a walk, but my mind is clear now.
I hummed contently as I held him. This has been the most peace I've felt all week. I wasn't thinking about what happened in the past and I wasn't worried about what was to come in the future. Right now, I was completely and utterly content.
"I sat in front of the window and hoped you'd come back each time you passed by. When I saw you sit down I noticed you started shivering after a while, so I grabbed this comforter off your bed and came out here." He explained. I sighed as I leaned down and placed a kiss on the top of his head. I remained there for a moment longer, breathing him in.
"Thank you." I whispered into his hair. He nuzzled himself closer into me. "Thank you." I reiterated softly.
"Frank?" He asked.
"Were you actually going to leave?" He asked. He sounded anxious to hear what I was going to say. Of course I wasn't going to leave Gerard. I only left because I angry and hurt, but I came back. I always come back. The only way I'd leave Gerard is in a hearse.Which sounds a bit extreme, but it's true. Sadly.
I will die in this place with Gerard, because it's not just a house we live in, but it's also a tomb.
"Never." I assured. That seemed to relax him slightly. "Gerard, whatever what you say or I say, I always come back to you. It's not healthy, I know, but I can't seem to get you out of my head." I admit. I heard Gerard take in a deep breath before he spoke.
"I know this is not an appropriate time but," he cleared his throat. "Whatever words I say, I will always love you." He chuckled as he sang. Not the time for The Cure you little shit.
"Asshole." I chortle.
"Fly to the moon." He smiled as he continued singing.
"Okay Robert Smith, let's go in." I say as we both stood up with the blanket still on us. We waddled in together under the blanket.
"Are you two still going to act like children or have you kissed and made up?" Mikey asked sarcastically from the couch.
"We'll be in my room, don't disturb us." I state, ignoring his question.
"Have fun." He called as I heard the opening to 'Supernatural' come through the TV.
"I'll admit you were pretty childish." I joked.
"You dumped your coffee, that was just plain idiocy." Gerard laughed.
"Touché." I sighed.
sorry for all the throam, supernatural and gotham references.
Chapter 25: You Can Never Forget How It Used To Feel
Trigger Warning. Sexual assault, mentions of rape and graphic adult themes.
The amount of my own self-loathing I put into this chapter is unreal.
Disclaimer: I know there is going to be a lot of controversy about this chapter. I can feel it. I just want to state now, THIS SERIES DOES NOT PROMOTE, CONDONE, OR ROMANTICIZE ANY FORM OF SUICIDE OR SELF-HARM!! I do NOT promote any form of sexual assault or rape. Not just this chapter but this series as well does NOT condone any form of drug use, underage drinking, rape, suicide or self-harm. It also does not promote unhealthy relationships. (I've gotten complaints.) The sole purpose of this series is to simply entertain.
This being said let's not attack me. Ok tumblr? (I feel like crankthatfrank. don't attack me tumblr) I'm uncomfortable.. Let's do this...
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Tuesday mornings. Always full of surprises.
"Since when do you work past two?" Gerard questioned.
"Since today apparently." Donna groaned. To be honest, I didn't even know Donna had a job. Surprise number one.
"Oh yeah, and I'm staying at Pete's tonight." Mikey piped up. Surprise number two.
"Well shit, looks like Gerard and Frank have the house to themselves after school." Donna commented as she looked at us in the rearview mirror.
"Ooooh." Mikey snickered from the front seat. Gerard kicked the back of his seat to shut him up, but Mikey only laughed more.
"That's enough," Donna stated firmly. "Now get out." She said as we arrived in front of school. Oh joy.
"I won't see you after school, but I'll see you sometime tonight." Donna called as Gerard shut the door behind us. Tuesday's are probably the worst day of the week besides Thursday's. Reason being, you're not even halfway into the week and you're already wishing it's Friday.
"I'm still mad at you." I say once we're inside. Mikey throws his head back and groans loudly. Gerard rolled his eyes, obviously annoyed.
"Really? So sorry, but Alec Lightwood is better looking." Gerard shrugged, unapologetically.
"See! See this is why we can't have nice things! Magnus Bane is way hotter." I protest.
"Ladies!" Mikey shouts over our bickering. "They are both beautiful, now shut up. I'd like to spend my Tuesday morning in peace." Mikey grumbled. I rolled my eyes and glared at Gerard.
"Magnus is hotter." I mumble.
"Whatever, Mundane." He scoffed. Okay sir, rude.
I don't know. Just something about today seems off? I can't put my finger on how, but I just have a weird feeling. Although, I repressed this feeling and thought about how Gerard and I could probably watch TV in the living room after school, since we're going to be alone and not be locked away in his or my room.
Mikey and Pete were whispering to each other from across the lunch table. I didn't want hear what they were saying. I cringed as a mental image flashed in my mind. Gross.
"So, we have the house all to ourselves tonight." Gerard stated, wiggling his eyebrows.
"Don't get any ideas, Sherlock." I laughed, turning my body to face him.
"I think my ideas are lovely." Gerard bluffed. I rolled my eyes.
"Keep telling yourself that." I scoffed. Gerard sighed dramatically.
"Playing hard to get I see, that's fine. I do love a challenge." He smirked. That little bitch.
"Stop it." I warn playfully. All Gerard did was chuckle as he leaned forward, placing kisses on my neck.
"Are you more of a flower or a cologne man?" Gerard whispered against my skin.
"Stop." I laughed at his touch. What can I say, I have a ticklish neck.
"Yuck, get a room." Mikey scoffed from across the table. Gerard giggled.
"Your skin tingles when you stand close enough to feel their breath." Gerard whispered, ignoring Mikey's comment. I swear to god, if this is going to continue for the rest of the day I'm going to rip what little hair I have out. That's a lie my hair has actually grown out significantly. My sides no longer shaved and my bangs stop in the middle of my forehead. Lucky for me, my hair stands up on its own. Fuck you, hair product.
"Are they quoting 'The Mortal Instruments'?" Pete asked.
"No, 'Shadowhunters' the show. They don't read." Mikey answered.
"I actually read the books in sixth grade." Gerard chimed in as he leaned away from me. Mikey shrugged.
"So, Donna sould be home around sixish, and I'll be coming home tomorrow after school." Mikey informed, changing the subject.
"If you can walk." Gerard muttered. Mikey's eyes widen with rage as he kicked Gerard under the table. In times like these I'm glad I'm an only child.
Before Mikey could come back with another snarky remark, the bell rang signalling our lunch period was over.
Last class of the day has finally arrived. I told Gerard that I was heading to class early so I could ask Mr. Urie for some extra credit. Let's just say science isn't my strong suit. Mr. Urie is a chill dude, so I'm hoping he'll be willing. I'm convinced him and Mr. Ross are a thing. Mr. Urie is like the cool dad that will let you get away with shit, but Mr. Ross is like kicking ass and taking names! I ship it.
However, when I went to class he wasn't in there, but someone else was.
Oh god.. I didn't want to say I was scared, but I wasn't necessarily confident without Gerard.
"Frank, look at you!" He said walking closer. My body froze. "Glad to see you and Gerard worked things out." He lowered his voice as he placed his disgusting hands on my shoulders. "I can still taste him on my mouth." He said darkly as he licked his lips.
I backed away from him, but I didn't get far when my back came in contact with the wall.
"I wonder if I can taste him on you?" He whispered as he leaned closer.
"Get off me." I grunt as he pinned me against the wall. All he did was smirk sickly. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I started to panic. Not again.
"He can't make you feel as good as I can." He growled as his hands traveled down my body. I squirmed as I tried pushing him off me, but I had no luck. He's much bigger than I am.
' I wished and prayed he'd wake up soon and come save me, but he never did. '
Fuck, I can't breathe. Tears started to spill down my cheeks as I felt his hand at the waistband of my jeans. "No!" I shout again as I tried kicking away from him. 'I kept fighting to get away, but I couldn't move.' Where the fuck are the teachers? Why do bad things always happen to me? Why won't anybody save me?
He started palming me through my jeans. 'I was paralyzed.'
"Stop!" I yelled. He didn't.
Just then, Gerard entered the room and watched with wide eyes. I silently pleaded for him to help me. 'I couldn't help but scream, but no one could hear me.' Gerard dropped his books as he raced over. He quickly pulled Bert off of me as he slammed his head into the wall.
"Don't you ever fucking touch him again." He grunted as he threw Bert to the ground and began kicking him in the gut. I slumped down onto the floor as I struggled to breathe. If ten year old me would've had any idea I would live only for this to happen, I would've gotten the job done the first time. This time, I don't think I'll ever forget how it used to feel.
Bert was now starting to cough up blood. Good. Gerard wasn't letting up, even when Bert was screaming for him to stop. Why hasn't anyone come in to stop this yet? This was like a completely different side of Gerard. If he kept going Bert could end up in serious conditions.
"G-Gerard." I croaked out, but he didn't stop.
"I will break your fucking hand if you ever touch him again, y'hear me!" Gerard practically screamed. Suddenly, the bell rang. Gerard stopped pounding on Bert and left him there in a pool of blood as he hurried over to me.
"Come on, I got you." Gerard said breathlessly as he pulled me to my feet. "I have to get you to the nurses." Gerard panicked as he led me down the less crowded halls. I felt so weak, I'm surprised I managed to walk.
"N-no!" I shout.
"Frank, you need to be-"
"I just want to go home!" I cry. I've had enough. I've had more than enough.
My skin crawled. I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing. I never wanted to live another day of my life. I wanted to be nothing at all.
We finally made it home before school let out. Once we got home, Gerard led me upstairs and into my room.
I laid on top of the bed sheets. Gerard rested beside me, but was hesitant on touching me. I scooted closer to him as he wrapped his arm around me gently. I wanted to feel him. Only him. Not Bert, not the man. Just Gerard.
I could hear Gerard humming a song that I assumed he wrote. I remember he sang this one before. It was soft and pretty, but also had a sad undertone. It was a song that could bring you tears of joy but also pangs of sadness. I liked it.
I took in a deep breath to calm myself, but it didn’t help much. I’m glad I had Gerard. Who knows what I would be doing without him. I’ve stopped shaking. Feeling Gerard’s embrace seemed to be more calming than redundant breathing techniques.
“I would sing you to sleep, never let them take the light behind your eyes.” He sang faintly.
As much as I loved cuddling with Gerard, I felt disgusting. I could hardly bare living in my own skin at the moment.
"Gerard?" I ask quietly.
"Yes?" He answered.
"I would like a shower.” I say weakly.
"Yes yes, of course." He nodded as he sat up slowly and collected some clean clothes. Again, I’m more than thankful that I have Gerard.
I followed him to the bathroom and sat on the toilet seat as he began starting the shower. It was really nice of him to help me like this. Even if it was just a shower I couldn’t help but feel deeply appreciative of him. Today I realized how much Gerard really does care about me, even if I don’t see it sometimes.
I think I love him.
Steam began to fill the room. I watched Gerard as he tested the water with the back of his hand. I started to notice more of the little things he did.
"Okay." He smiled gently. I started pulling off my shirt. When it was completely over my head, I saw Gerard blushing immensely.
"Don't look so surprised, you've seen me shirtless before." I laugh half-heartedly.
"I'll leave now." He said as he leaned down and pressed a kiss on top of my head. He remained there for a moment longer, before he away back slowly. I noticed the little things. I didn’t necessarily want him to leave, but I didn’t know how to express to him I wanted him to stay.
“O-okay.” I mumbled as he left. I finished undressing, then stepped under the warm shower spray. The water felt nice against my skin.
I took in a deep breath, letting the steamy air fill my lungs as I bent down to grab Gerard’s body wash. I used his because it smelled of him. Which sounds creepy, but I’d rather smell Gerard on me rather than someone else. I scrubbed my body vigorously. I wanted to feel clean. I didn’t want to feel as if there were a million bugs crawling along my skin.
I felt the tears prick at my eyes. Don't you dare fucking cry. Tears started rolling down my cheeks, mixing with the water. I couldn’t stop. I’ve come to realize that every time things start changing for the better, they always get torn down. They never last. No matter how happy or content I get with life the pain and agony from the past will always come back to tear things apart, because I always end up back where I start. Alone.
A loud sob escaped my mouth as I slid down the wall and curled up into myself on the shower floor. In less than a minute, Gerard was at the door.
"Frank?" He asked warily. I didn't answer. I didn't want to answer. I wish I could just disappear into the steam. I heard the door open and shut as Gerard entered the room. “Frank, please answer me.” Gerard begged from the other side of the shower curtain. I couldn't. I heard him curse under his breath as I continued to cry.
Suddenly, the shower curtain was pulled back to reveal me curled up on the floor. I looked up slowly at Gerard as I pulled my knees further into myself. I was ashamed. I hated the skin I was trapped in so much that I didn’t care that it was littered in scabbing scars. It was all just a reminder that the pain never left, I just get used to it. All the countless nights of crying myself to sleep because I was ashamed of who I was.
I hated myself so much that I wish I could just lock myself away to where I wouldn’t have to see or speak to anyone ever again. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I was normal and I didn’t hate the body I was born in. I loathed myself. I am my own worst enemy and I hate me.
Why am I even still here? Because I wanted to wait and see if it will ever get better? It won’t. I’ve been hoping it would for years. It hasn’t.
"W-what are you doing?" I asked. Gerard stepped into the shower, fully clothed. He crouched down to me and cupped my face softly in the palm of his hand.
"You can't live like this, Frank,” he said barely above a whisper. The sound of the shower running almost made it impossible to hear him. “I can't let you live like this. Frank, you are loved," he said as the shower started drenching his clothes.
“Even if you don’t see it yet.” He added as his eyes filled with tears.
“Your clothes are getting wet.” I sniffed. Gerard smiled sadly.
“I don’t care about my clothes, I care about you.” He said faintly. I leaned my cheek more into his hand. Gerard was the only thing I had.
“Kiss me.” I say. Gerard’s eyebrows knitted together.
“Frank, I’m not going to take advan-”
“I wasn’t asking.” I cut him off. My voice barely audible over the water. Gerard’s eyes filled with sadness. He shouldn’t be sad. I want this. I want him. Sooner or later he’ll be gone and be nothing but a distant memory. I wanted him before life tore us apart again. I wanted him before I completely lost my mind, before I start hallucinating him in my hospital room.
I’ve also learned, no matter how much I think things are finally peaceful with Gerard and I, something always happens. In the blink of an eye things can change. I wanted Gerard now before love tears us apart again.
Gerard obliged as he leaned in slowly. He traced his fingertips along my jawline, then tilting my chin up softly before connecting our lips tenderly. It was so subtle yet so intimate. I wanted more, but I was content with just this. Just Gerard. Nothing more. That was pure happiness.
“Please.” I whined as Gerard pulled away. Gerard rested his forehead on mine.
“I won’t take advantage of you.” Gerard stated. I let my knees relax as they rested on either side of Gerard. I was now completely exposed to him. I was comfortable with Gerard. No one else.
“You won’t,” I said. “Please,” I begged. Gerard gazed into my eyes. He was conflicted. I understood. I reached out and brushed aside a strand of hair that clung to his wet face. Gerard tilted his head again as he leaned in for another kiss, this time a bit more passionate. I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist. Him and nothing more.
I squeezed my eyes shut, tighter as I felt tears threaten to spill. Don’t. I couldn’t hold back. I broke.
“I got you,” Gerard whispered against my lips as he cupped my face in the palms of his hands. “I’ve got you.” He reiterated softly. I nodded as I pressed my lips more firmly against his. Our lips moved together in perfect sync. I couldn’t describe how I was feeling. I was over the moon happy, but in the back of my head was the fear that things will fall apart again. I dismissed the thought as I focused on Gerard.
The water was now growing cold, but Gerard didn’t seem to pay any mind to it as he moved his lips onto my neck. I panted softly as I wrapped my arms around his upper body as he pressed his body onto mine. He was wearing too much clothes.
I gasped as his teeth sunk into my skin slightly and he began to suck. My hand quickly found its way into his sopping mess of hair. I let my legs fall back onto the floor as he started placing kisses up and down my neck languidly.
“God.” I groaned quietly as he found my sweet spot just below my jaw. I felt his lips curve into a smile against my skin. I leaned my head back giving him better access. I was almost positive he left a mark somewhere. I don't mind.
I tugged back on his wet hair slightly, which caused him to moan softly, sending vibrations through my skin. I pulled his face back up to mine, reconnecting our lips more hungrily. I felt his tongue trace over my bottom lip, silently asking for access. I opened my mouth granting him what he wanted as the once subtle kiss now turned into a slow, sloppy kiss.
He pressed his body more firmly against mine which me to moan against his mouth. My hands ran down his back and fought their way under his sopping, wet shirt. Gerard’s clothes were now uncomfortably clinging to him and it didn’t help that my hands were now pruned and wrinkly. Again, this wasn’t stopping Gerard.
His hand started slowly navigated down my body, before resting on my hips. My skin tingled under his touch. He pulled his mouth off mine, going back to my neck, sucking more harshly.
“Shit.” I hissed as he rolled his hips down against mine. His hand now resting on my thigh. I breathed heavily with anticipation as his hand started moving closer and closer to my cock, before finally wrapping a gentle hand around me. I gasped loudly as my thighs tensed.
"Is this okay?" He asked with a hit of concern in his voice. I answered quickly with a nod, unable to form words. He began moving his hand up and down my shaft, slowly.
"Fuck." I moaned. Gerard kissed my lips again as I draped my arms around his neck. I opened my eyes for a second to get a look at him, but they soon fell shut from the amount of pleasure I was in.
“You’re so beautiful.” Gerard whispered into my ear, sending shivers down my body. My legs began to shake and my mouth fell open in ecstasy.
“Bed.” I groaned. Gerard nodded as he leaned back and stood on his knees. He finally made it to his feet and switched off the water. Once it was off he looked down at me as he began pulling off his drenched shirt. I got to my knees and started undoing his belt, hurriedly. Once it was finally off, I began shrugging off his pants. He stopped me before I could get his boxers off, then pulled me to my feet.
He pulled me in roughly has our lips crashed together and our chests were flush against each other. We ungracefully, stumbled out of the bathroom and down the hall. Gerard pressed me against his door as he fumbled with the doorknob. Our lips never leaving each other.
Finally, the door swung open. Gerard wasted no time in flopping me down on the bed, instantly soaking the sheets. He landed on top of me as he attacked my lips once again with his own.
“I am in no means a top.” He said breathlessly.
“You are today.” I breathed. Gerard sat in between my legs as he started placing soft kisses down my chest. His hands rested on my thighs, squeezing firmly.
"So pretty." He whispered lowering his head in between my legs as he kissed along my inner thigh. I gripped the bedsheets tightly in my fists as I worried my bottom lip between my teeth. My hips bucked involuntarily when he found another sensitive spot on my thigh. He pressed his other hand on my hips, keeping me still as he started biting and sucking on the same spot. I threw my hand back against the pillows, biting my lip roughly to suppress a moan.
Gerard crawled back up over top of me as he traced the outline of my lips with the tip of his finger.
“Nightstand drawer.” Gerard whispered into my ear. His voice was low and dark. I felt my cheeks heat up as I leaned over and pulled open the drawer to reveal condoms and lube. I pulled them out and gave Gerard a questioning glance.
“They were supposed to be used that night after the dance.” He explained as he sat up and took off his boxers. I blushed darkly as Gerard took out a condom from the package and ripped it open with his teeth. Shit, this is actually happening.
Gerard looked up at me expectantly. My mind went blank for a second as I watched him roll the condom on. He was now eyeing the lube that was in my hand. Oh.. Yeah… Forgot about prep…
I handed him the tube as he uncapped it and poured a decent amount onto his hand. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay it’s happening. I slowly spread my legs for Gerard. He looked me in the eye, almost like he was searching for an answer to his mental question.
“Are you sure about this.” Gerard asked as I felt his finger press against my hole. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I nodded my head eagerly as I kept my eyes squeezed shut. Gerard then slowly pushed one finger inside of me, slowly.
“Shit.” I hissed in pain. That was not pleasant. My gripped tighten on the sheets as Gerard began to slowly move his finger. After a while the pain slowly ebbed away, that is until he added a second finger. Although, the pain made it a bit more pleasurable.
“Oh god.” I groan as I arched my back. I peeked my eyes open for a second to see Gerard using his other hand to apply copious amounts of lube onto himself. A lazy smirk present on his lips. I let out a high-pitched gasp as he began scissoring his fingers. The stretch stung, but also felt amazing.
“Fuck, don’t stop.” I moaned loudly as he crooked his fingers, hitting my prostate. Although, to my dismay, he did indeed stop. I panted heavily as I felt the sweat starting to form on my forehead. I watched Gerard closely as he leaned forward, hovering over me as he lined himself up at my entrance. Even with all the preparation, I knew this was going to be very unpleasant. I instinctively wrapped my arms around Gerard, pulling him closer to me.
“Are you okay?” He asked. I nodded as I glanced into his eyes before letting mine fall shut. I wanted this. I wanted Gerard.
“Go easy.” I breathed. With that, he pushed in slowly, groaning weakly in my ear. I gasped in pain but his moans made the pain subside quicker. My fingernails sunk into his skin, instinctively from the pain. He remained still, allowing me to get used to the unnatural stretch. A string of curse words flowed freely from my lips as I got used to the feeling.
“Move.” I instructed breathlessly after a few moments. Gerard’s breath tickled my neck as he moved his hips back and forth slowly. “Ah, fuck.” I moaned as I tilted my head to the side, attempting to muffle my moans into the pillow. Gerard grabbed my jaw and moved it to where I was unable to hide my embarrassing sounds.
“Louder.” He demanded roughly in my ear as he snapped his hips forward at just the right angle, managing to hit my prostate again.
“Fuck,” I moaned louder as I pulled his hair. "Faster," I groaned. He rutted his hips faster as he reattached his lips onto my neck. He moaned against my skin as the headboard bumped against the wall repeatedly.
“So good,” he moaned breathlessly as I dug my fingernails into his shoulders. “Fuck.” He groaned as he pulled me in for a messy kiss on the lips. Both of our tongues fought for dominance but it was clear Gerard wanted to win this one. I moved my hips in time to meet his thrusts, earning myself a surprise gasp from him.
"Oh my- fuck Gerard." I groaned, reaching down to touch myself, but he stopped me. I whined defiantly, but he only deepened his thrusts, causing the headboard to bang louder against the wall in return. He laid my arm against the pillow beside my head and started placing soft, feverish kisses along my very noticeable scars.
His thrusts were now starting to lose rhythm and become sloppy as we both started getting closer and closer to the edge.
"I'm close." He muttered against my wrist, still continuing to kiss my scars as his other hand reached down to touch me. I moaned embarrassingly loud at his touch. My insides felt like they were about to explode from the intense amounts of pleasure. I wrapped my legs back around Gerard’s waist as he continued pounding himself into me.
“Fuck, me too," I breathed. Gerard moved his mouth over my chest and began placing hot, messy kisses along my chest and collar bones. His mouth soon found its way to my nipple and started licking around the sensitive skin. I pulled his hair roughly, causing him to moan around my nipple. Gerard’s moans were all it took to send me over the edge.
“Fuck.” I gasped breathlessly as I came over myself. Not too long after that Gerard quickened his thrust as he rode out his own orgasm.
“Shit.” He breathed as he stilled himself and rested over top of me. I breathed heavily as Gerard finally pulled out of me and discarded the condom in the waste bin nearby. I cleaned myself off with the bedsheet and laid on the bed with my eyes closed, panting softly.
Gerard pulled a blanket over us and wrapped his arms around me as I nuzzled myself into his chest. In this moment life was nothing short than perfect.
“Please,” I whispered weakly. “Don’t ever leave me.” I begged. Gerard ran his hand up and down my back comfortingly as he used his other hand to caress my hair. I didn’t throw around the word ‘love’ very often. Very seldomly. I can’t remember the last time I actually felt love for anyone really. Love was something I wasn’t too fond of. Maybe because I was too scared of being left broken in the end or giving my heart to someone just for it to fall apart.
I know I’m young and naive and it may just be the after sex lust, but I love Gerard. I haven’t felt this kind of connection for anyone in a long time. I can’t help who I fall in love with. If I could, I probably wouldn't be with Gerard right now. I can’t help that I fell in love with him. I guess some things are just meant to be.
"Never.” He confirmed as he pressed a kiss onto my forehead. I had to tell him. I had to tell him I loved him. After everything we’ve been through, good and bad he has to know that I love him.
“Gerard, I,” My words got stuck in my throat. Just say it.
“What?” He asked. Just breathe, you can do this.
"Do you love me?" I rushed out. His body tensed. Oh no, please no. I can’t get rejected. Not now, please. I tore down the walls I built so high around myself for him, he can’t do this. I can’t-
“If I didn’t, would I be laying here with you?” He asked rhetorically. His voice smooth and calming. I let go of the breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
"So you do?" I breathed.
"So I do." He sighed.
I may not have said the words I wanted to say, but I knew he loved me and he knew I loved him. That’s all that mattered.
Wow, Frank and Gerard just made up last chapter AND NOW THEY'RE FUCKING! GOOD JOB AT NOT FUCKING RUSHING THEIR RELATIONSHIP JASPER. I need to calm down.
You'd think after the plethora of gay smut I read, I would know how to write it, right? Wrong. Don't judge my shitty smut writing skills. I know it's bad no need to point it out.
Chapter 26: I'll Keep You Safe Tonight
MIld trigger warning. Mentions of sexual assault..
Ahh yes.. I love foreshadowing..
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
My mind can't process anything anymore. I don't remember even coming to school this morning, but here I am. First bell, Mr. Ross's class. First bell, first bell, first bell. English, reading, vocabulary, essays.. English, english, english.
Where's Gerard? He's not in your first bell, remember? Oh yeah.. You're alone, just pay attention. No Bert in sight, but also no Gerard. Mikey? No he's in art. Pete? Haven't talked to him in a while. He's a really good guy. I'm glad he was there for me when- Frank, focus.
What's that beeping sound?
"Frank." I heard a voice call. Focus, focus, focus.
"Mr. Iero?" They asked. Where's Gerard again? I don't know. Don't know, don't know-
"Frank!" The voice now shouted. I snapped out of the trance that I was in. At the front of the room stood Mr. Ross holding the phone receiver against his chest. So that's what was beeping.
I shook my head a few times and noticed that half the class was looking back at me expectantly. Great.
"Yes sir?" I ask timidly. Mr. Ross looks at me with a hint of concern in his eyes.
"The office needs you." He informed as he hung up the phone. I nodded as I stood up, leaving my books as I left. I don't want to go there.
I walked slowly to the office. I wasn't in any rush to get there because I had a strong feeling as to why they called me down. I wasn't ready to face the music just yet. I kept my head down and eyes trained on the floor as I continued walking.
One tile, two tile, three tile, four tile- blue? Blue tile, blue tile. Blue, blue, blue.
As I approached the front door of the office I could hear yelling coming from the other side of the door.
"He fucking sexually assaulted him!" I heard a voice yell. Gerard?
"You attacked me." Another voice said. Is that? Please say it's not.. Him..
"I should have fucking killed you right there!" He yelled again.
"Is that a threat?"
"You bet your fucking ass it-"
"Mr. Way sit down." Another voice demanded. Silence fell in the room. I don't want to go in there. Breathe, just breathe. Okay, okay, okay. Without telling myself to, I knocked on the door.
"Come in." So I did. And I wished I didn't.
I froze in the doorway as my eyes fell on him.
"Take a seat, Mr. Iero." The principal demanded. But I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I was terrified.
"Frank, it's okay sit here." I heard Gerard's voice. I managed to take my eyes off of Bert to look over to Gerard who was patting the seat beside himself on the small couch. One foot in front of the other, come on. Step one, step two, step three, step four, step five. Turn. Sit. Breathe, breathe, breathe.
My hands started to shake as my eyes landed on the police officer in the corner of the room. My breaths became uneven and I couldn't stop my hands from trembling from where they gripped the couch, in between Gerard and I. Suddenly, I felt Gerard's hand rest on top of mine. I tore my gaze away from the officer to look at Gerard. My god, he looked like hell to put it simply. His face was tinted red, from yelling I assume and around his eyes were a bit puffy.
"Mr. Iero, can you be honest with us?" The principal asked from behind his desk. Can I? Can I be honest? I've learned my lesson on opening up to people in the past. Can I be honest now? Can I be honest at the most vulnerable points in life? Can I even trust anyone in this room?
"Y-yes." I choke out. I felt Gerard squeeze my hand reassuringly. Yes. Yes I can trust someone in this room.
"What happened as of yesterday afternoon?" He asked. What happened? I went to class early. Bert was in the room. He- he touched me. He assaulted me sexually.
"I- I went to class early to- to talk with Mr. Urie and- and Bert was in the room." I trailed off. I can't do this. No, I can't be honest. If I'm honest this will go to court. No. I don't want that. I just want this to be over.
I'll be damned if this goes to court. But if it doesn't I could risk this happening again. I don't want that either. I don't want any of this. But it doesn't matter what I want. I have to choose.
"And?" The officer now asked. I have a choice to make. I glanced over to Gerard just to make sure he was still there. He smiled sadly as he continued to stroke my hand. I can't. I could feel Bert's gaze shooting daggers at me. I can't-
"And he attacked me," I finished. The room fell silent. Gerard's hand stopped moving. The silence was almost deafening, so I continued to speak to fill the void. "He hit me and- and pinned me against a wall and continued to beat me. That is, until Gerard came in and stopped him." I concluded. From the corner of my eye, I watched as Gerard's jaw dropped in shock. Please don't be angry.
"Frank, we really need you to be honest." The principal pressed. I can't.
"I am." I lied as my voice cracks.
"He's lying! I saw it happen. Do you honestly think he's going to tell the truth a day after it happened? He's in shock for fucks sake!" Gerard shouted. He's right, but I won't admit it. I couldn't read anyones face in the room, not even Gerard's. This only made matters worse.
"Mr. Iero, we really need you to be-"
"I can't do this." I mutter breathlessly as I stand up and reach for the door, but as I went for the knob the officer stepped in front of me.
"No!" I yell. "I can't be in here with- with him!" I scream. He looked down at me with a sorry expression. I don't want your pity.
"With who?" He asked.
"Take an educated guess." I say, pushing past him and out into the halls. Once I was out of sight from everyone, I broke down. At this point, it's the only thing I know how to do. It's good to have a good cry once in awhile, but not everytime something goes wrong. And lately, everything has been going wrong.
The tears streamed down my cheeks hot and fast. I couldn't breathe. My chest felt constricted and the air felt heavy. I fell to the floor and rested my elbows on my knees, just letting it all out. What the fuck am I doing? I'm crying in the middle of the hallway. How nice.
I brought myself to my feet and carried myself into the bathroom where I could hide my shame within a bathroom stall. I lied. The look on Gerard's face is burned into my mind. It was pure shock. No, anger, betrayal, disappointment. I'm a disappointment to him. I let him down. How can I live with that? I bet he hates me. Oh god, what have I done.
The minutes ticked away and my tears soon ran dry. I wonder what's going on in there? No I don't. I don't want to be in there with him and I don't want to see Gerard mad at me. Please, don't-
"Frank?" I heard a voice call out. It was Gerard. I'm not ready to see him angry. I hate it when he's angry, especially at me. "Frank baby, are you in here?" He asked. I leaned forward to unlock the stall door, then letting it fall open to reveal Gerard standing there.
"Frank." He gasped as he dropped to the floor, engulfing me in his arms. "Why? Frank why?" He begged as he voice wavered. I couldn't answer his question, because even I didn't know the answer.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I- I just couldn't, Gee I couldn't. Please don't be mad at me, please." I begged as I broke out crying again.
"Hey hey, it's okay I understand," he whispered softly into my ear. "He's gone."
"He's gone?" I questioned, pulling away slowly. Gerard nodded.
"They're sending him away." He confirmed.
"For good." I fell back against Gerard and cried harder. Not because I was sad. Because I was finally safe. And I had no one else to thank but Gerard.
"Thank you." I cried.
“Really?” Gerard laughed embarrassedly into the nape of my neck.
“You don’t remember?” I chuckled as I played with his hand.
“Obviously not, I was pretty hammered based on how you put it.” Gerard admitted.
“You seriously don’t remember the drunken speech you gave that night?” I teased. “You practically screamed ‘I like cock’ at one in the morning just to get me to come home.” I chortled.
“Well, what I do remember was thinking I just let the love of my life walk out that door.” He smiled against my skin as he placed a kisses along the back of my neck.
“Aww, stop it.” I blushed as I press my back further into his chest. Cheesy motherfucker. I smiled contently as I watched the way his pale hand moved with mine in the small bit of moonlight that shone from the gape in the curtains.
“Aww, stop it.” Gerard said in a mocking tone. I sighed as I rested our hands on my chest, under my chin.
“Don’t spongebob meme me.” I grin. Gerard sat up on his shoulder and leaned over, connecting our lips in the dark. I let my eyes fall shut as I breathed him in. This is a good way to end the day. Cuddling in bed and letting Gerard kiss me goodnight, before I fall asleep in his arms. This is how I wish I could end the day everyday.
“I couldn’t resist.” He smirked.
“The meme or the kiss?” I ask tiredly.
“Both.” He admitted as he laid back down. I nestled in further against Gerard as I felt the sleep catch up to me.
“Gerard?” I ask quietly. He hummed in response. “I’m- I’m sorry about today.” I apologize. I felt Gerard’s chest rise and fall as he took in a deep breath.
“You don’t need to explain yourself, I understand.” Gerard reassured. I guess he’s right.
“Thank you.” I sighed sleepily as he rubbed circles along my hand with the pad of his thumb. One last thing… My heart started beating faster.. Jesus Frank, just say it..
“Hey Gerard?” I asked warily.
“Yes, Frank.” He answered tiredly.
“I- I love you.” I say finally. Why do I always get so scared saying it to him. I mean every word of it. I felt Gerard pull me closer.
“I love you too.” He said placing a kiss under my jaw. I knew with Gerard I didn’t have to be scared. I trusted him and he trusted me. I loved him and- and he- he loved me.
That was all that ever mattered..
This is it doods... This book is slowly wrapping up and book two is in the process. Also, sorry for slacking on updates.. Back to school is stressful..
Chapter 27: Then Holding Hands And Life Was Perfect
Yeah sorry, this is a filler. (Check end of this chapter for some important notes.)
Oh hey, quick question. Aren't you happy that Gerard and Frank's relationship is finally stable?? Enjoy your happiness while you have it..
Also, this first paragraph will probably offend someone, but heck it's kinda funny. Also, I put in a few throam and Twist and Shout references heh..
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
*One week later*
It was now the first week of December. Which means saying goodbye to my beloved spooky holiday and suffering through the fucking cold ass holiday about some fat guy in a red suit.. Also Jesus?
Neither Gerard or I really celebrate Christmas, but I have a feeling I'll want to do something extravagant last minute, and I know just the guys to help me. That's right, Mikey and Pete! Haha, this is why I have no friends.
Although, I may not enjoy the festive holidays or the cold weather it brings I don't have to worry about that right now because, Gerard and I are currently packing for our three day vacation to Florida. Even though it's my mother's wedding.. To be honest, I do prefer cold weather over hot weather, but Florida is Florida and the tickets are already paid for. Although, Gerard has made it very clear over the years that the sun is his enemy. Makes sense, he's practically a vampire. But it's three days out of school and just Gerard and I. What could be better than that?
Gerard, being the perfectionist he is insist we leave at three in the morning, even though our flight leaves at six. I'm currently running on two cups of coffee and Gerard screaming from his room "Where are my Penguin pajamas!" Ha, nerd. Well, he's my nerd.
I've never flown before. Only as a baby from what my mom has told me, but I've seen plenty of plane horror stories on the news to keep me as far away from one as possible. Not sure if Gerard has ever flown before.
Suddenly, there was a knock on my door and before I could answer, Gerard was already bursting in.
"Okay," he started as he sauntered in with his hands fanned out in front of him, observing the room. "What have you packed so far?" He asked.
"Jesus Frank, you do realize we're going to be in Florida for three days, right?" Gerard questioned, cutting me off. I looked back at my unzipped suitcase then back to Gerard again, tilting my head in confusion.
"Yeah I know, I packed the suit I'm wearing for the wedding, pajamas and three pairs of clothes for the day." I explained like it was obvious.
"But what if you spill something on yourself or what if we decide to go look around or go to the beach?" He questioned. Alright alright, he had a point.
"Fine." I groaned as I looked around for more clean clothes. Of course I wouldn't have clean clothes when I needed them.. "We have a problem, ground control." I say. Gerard raised an eyebrow as he looked up from where he was neatly organizing what I had already packed.
"I have no clean clothes." I answered.
"Hold on." He sighed as he went back outside. Soon enough, he came back with a handful of clothes that smelled of fresh linen. "Good thing mom did laundry." He said as he folded and packed the clothes. Gerard yawned softly as he finished folding the last article of clothing.
He was tired. He has been stressing himself out far too much since last week in the principal's office. He's been blaming all of the stress on the trip, but I can see past his lies. He needs to stop and take a breather, which I'm hoping this little 'tropical getaway' will allow him to do just that.
I stood next to him as I zipped the suitcase for him.
"Now, you've packed deodorant and toothpaste and your toothbrush and-" I cut him off as I lazily placed my lips against his. Without missing a beat, he kissed back softly and rested his hands on my hips.
"Stop worrying." I say simply as I pulled away. Gerard sighed as he looked away. I reached up and brushed a few strands of his hair out of his face. "This is supposed to be a relaxing trip, not how much stress can Gerard put on himself." I reason as I tilt his head over to look at me. His eyes were tired.
"I know I know, I just want to make sure you're happy." He shrugged his shoulders lightly as he rubbed his hands on my hips.
"I am, you know that," I say. He smiled softly as I laced his other hand with mine. "I'll always be happy with you." I confirm. Gerard smiled sheepishly.
"Alright alright, I'm too tired for you to get all sappy on me." He blushed. I grinned as I leaned forward and pecked a kiss on his rosy cheeks.
"I can tell, how about we take a nap? We still have a few hours before we have to leave." I suggest. Gerard nodded.
"Yeah, okay." He yawned again. I walked over to one side of the bed and pulled the covers back before flopping down face first. Mhhhmm, sleep. Gerard switched off the light, then joined me in bed, nestling himself under my chin. I breathed him in as my eyes fell shut.
"You smell good." I muttered sleepily. Gerard reached up and caressed my face tiredly.
"Sleep." He mumbled into my chest.
It was around two thirty when I woke up. This is around the time Gerard wanted to leave. I rolled over to see Gerard's face buried into his pillow, his dark locks falling over his face and his lips parted slightly as he snored softly.
He looked nothing short of peaceful. I brushed a few strands of hair out of his face to get a better look at his features. His long lashes stuck out nicely on his pale skin. There were faint dark circles under his eyes and that just made me feel even more guilty about having to wake him up. But we can't miss our flight.
Besides, we'll probably do a lot of sleeping on the plane once the anxiety wears off and we don't have anywhere to be when we arrive in Florida, so that gives us the whole day to just sleep.
I sat up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes, Gerard was still peacefully sleeping. I really don't want to wake him up, but I know I have to.
"Gee," I whispered softly as I placed a hand on his shoulder. He mumbled something incoherent as he buried his face further into the pillow. "Gee baby, we gotta get up." I say. He groaned into the pillow but soon shifted to where one of his eyes were peeking out and looking at me tiredly. I smiled softly as I brushed the hair out of his face.
"It's going on three." I explain. He shuts his hazel eyes again and sighed as he pulled himself up.
"Alright." He croaked. My chest felt heavy. I hated having to wake him up.
"Hey, maybe Donna can get us Starbucks?" I suggest as he rolls out of bed, trying to make him feel a bit better.
"Yeah sure," he dismissed as he rubbed his eyes. "Should probably get dressed." He yawned. I nodded as I pulled the covers off me and stood up. We may have gotten roughly four hours but it still didn't feel like much.
Once I had pulled on my shoes, Gerard had grabbed both of our suitcases.
"Do you want me to bring anything?" I ask.
"Yourself." He replied a bit moodily. I didn't take it too personally. He's stressed out and tired, not to mention he hasn't had any coffee for about twelve hours. I decided not to push him too much. If he needs help I'll gladly help him, but right now I think it would be smart just to leave him alone.
Downstairs, Donna greeted us with two cups of coffee in hand. Thank god. Mikey was on the couch, bent over as he finished tying his shoes.
"You two were asleep when I came in, so I figured you'd want coffee." She smiled, handing us the mugs.
"And I'm bored, so I'm tagging along." Mikey announced as he stood up. Gerard nodded as he sipped on his coffee.
"Here, lemme take that." I said, taking one of the suitcases from Gerard. Thankfully, he was too tired to try and stop me. Ha, I helped after all.
"You boys ready?" Donna asked. We all nodded and headed out the door. Once outside, I helped Gerard put the suitcases in the trunk, then joined him in the backseat. Mikey sat in the passenger seat and messed with the radio.
"This is so exciting! I'm so happy for you boys." Donna beamed as she pulled out of the drive way.
"Mom, it's not like Frank and I are getting married." Gerard laughed nervously.
"Oh, I know. Give it time dear, but you're going to Florida, that's exciting!" She exclaimed. Gerard laughed again. Okay, are we going to completely ignore the fact that Donna is cheering for us? Alright, that's cool.
"Yeah, yeah super exciting," Mikey blabbed. "But, there is music being played and I think we should all listen to it." Mikey said turning it up slightly. I recognized the music instantly. Mikey had put in David Bowie's "Low" album. Now that's some good shit, mate.
"Not too loud. You know I get nervous driving at night." Donna said as she turned it down. Mikey groaned and folded his arms over his chest.
The sun was now peeking over the horizon when we arrived at the airport around five this morning. Gerard fell asleep most of the car ride. While Gerard was sleeping Donna bought Mikey and I Starbucks. A two hour car ride plus coffee equals a hyper as fuck Frank.
"I'm going to miss you two." Donna sighed as she engulfed both Gerard and I in a hug.
"Ma, it's only for three days." Gerard reasoned.
"I know I know, but that's three days I'm stuck with Mikey." She joked.
"Hey! I make great company." Mikey defended. Gerard laughed as he pulled his brother in for a hug.
"Don't be a bitch, bitch." Gerard grinned.
"Don't be a jerk, jerk." He retaliated, before turning to me and pulling me in for a one-armed hug. We make great bromeos.
"Bye Mikey." I say, patting him on the back. Mikey waved as Gerard took my hand in his, before walking to the entrance.
"See you then!" He screamed. I snapped my head back at him to see him waving and smirking mischievously.
"Oh, fuck you!" I shout back.
"Love you too, babe!" He joked as Gerard and I entered the airport.
"I hate him." I scoff.
"Stop right there!" I cut him off.
Once it was finally time for Gerard and I to board the plane, the airport was now slam packed. The only time I stopped death-gripping his hoodie was when we had to go through security. After that, I clung on to him as tight as I could as he guided us through the busy airport.
I was so fucking nervous, I couldn't even think straight. Well, I don't do anything 'straight' but- shut up, Frank.
Once we were finally in line for boarding the plane, Gerard turned to face me with our tickets in hand.
"You really that scared?" He asked, handing me my ticket. I didn't realize I was still gripping his arm. I had my arm wrapped tightly around his bicep. My knuckles had even turned white. I loosened my grip and laughed.
"What? Me, scared? No." I wave dismissively. Gerard chortled.
"I'm here." He said, carding his hand through my hair softly.
"Just nervous, that's all." I admit. Gerard nodded.
"Hey, me too. This is my first time flying." He said.
"There's a first for everything." I say.
"And a seconded." He smirked. Oh? Oh.. Oh..
"Oh stop." I grin, slapping him on the ass. He flinched dramatically and continued to smirk.
"At least wait till we're at the hotel." He joked. I rolled my eyes.
I knew I was going to be scared, but shit, I didn’t know I was going to be this scared.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I muttered as Gerard sat in the middle seat, letting me have the window seat. I looked out onto the runway as I gripped the armrest.
"You okay? You look really pale." Gerard asked.
"Yeah," I choked out. "I'm fine, just nervous." I admit. To be honestly, I felt like puking and writing my mom a telegram with some bullshit lie as to why I couldn’t make it. Well, it’s too late now. I’ll be fine. Hopefully..
“Do you want to hold my hand?” He offered. Oh fuck yes.
“You bet your ass I do.” I say, grabbing his hand. He smiled softly as he drew tiny circles on the back of my hand with the pad of his thumb. Who knew something as simple as holding hands would be so relieving. I pulled his hand onto my lap and I squeezed it slightly. His hands are so unbelievably soft. I sighed contently as I placed my other hand over our interlocked hands.
Just then, a tall, blonde woman sat in the aisle seat beside Gerard. I still held Gerard's hand but I wasn't sure if she could see it or not, but then again I didn’t care.
She smiled brightly at Gerard as she flipped her hair back, revealing her terribly low tank top. Dude, it's cold as hell in New Jersey right now and you're in a tank top? Fucking endurance..
"Hello." She greeted, batting her eyelashes. Um..
"Hi." Gerard replied a bit nervously as he squeezed my hand. Oh no.. A gay man's worst fear…
A flirtatious blonde.
"I'm Vanessa." She said, extending her hand for Gerard to shake. Gerard looked down at her hand questioningly.
"I'm Frank." I cut in, shaking her hand. She glared at me. Oh this hoe don’t know.
"Oh, hi. And who are you? Do you know this handsome young man?" She asked, eyeing Gerard seductively. Gerard looks so uncomfortable. This is where I draw the line. Time to show this bitch who she's messing with.
The Italian Sausage.
"Yes I do actually." I smirk. Her smile dropped slightly.
"Are you two like, brothers or something?" She questioned, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. Gerard coughed out a laugh. The girl looked back at him with confusion written all over her face. Honey, please.
"No, this is my fiancé and we're getting married this weekend." I say nonchalantly. Gerard's eyes widened as he peered at me from the corner of his eye. I watched the woman's face drop immensely.
"Oh." Was all she said. And this began our painfully awkward plane ride.
Gerard was blushing furiously as I held his hand in mine. I could sense the girl still looking at us. To make Gerard blush more, I leaned over and placed a small kiss on his cheek. He sighed blissfully as his smile widened.
As soon as we landed in Florida, I immediately assumed the position and death-gripped Gerard's t-shirt, since he had taken off his hoodie. Gerard led the way as we shuffled through the crowd to baggage claim.
Finally, we made it outside and I don't think I ever felt this much heat before. It's autumn, isn't it supposed to be cold? Guess not. We walked out the main entrance, where mom said she had ordered us a cab until-
"Hey, you two gay dudes!" A soft, yet gruff voice shouted behind us. I turned my head back skeptically and so did Gerard. A young looking guy with a blonde mop of hair and a Gandalf looking beard going on was waving towards us.
“Excuse me, do I know you?” I call out.
"Nah man, but I need money as you can tell and I wanted to know if you guys wanted to buy some weed?" The man asked.
“We’re good, thanks.” I wave.
“It’s cool brotha, but if you want to make a donation just ask for Bob Bryar!” He shouted as we walked towards the cab that was waiting for us.
"Weird." Gerard laughed under his breath.
"Very." I agree.
In the cab, Gerard gave the driver the hotel address and we were on our way. I was fucking exhausted. Running on four hours of sleep was not doing me or Gerard any justice.
The cab ride was short, thank god. Once we arrived at the hotel, Gerard paid the driver and we made our way inside.
As soon as Gerard checked us in, we raced for the elevator, desperate for some sleep.
“What room number?” I ask.
“708.” He answered. Cool.
It seemed like a lifetime before Gerard finally opened the room door and flipped on the light. I was too tired to take in the room and it’s details at the moment.
I see a bed and all I can think of is sleep. Gerard and I both stripped down to our underwear and headed for the bed, leaving our luggage by the door.
“I have never been more relieved to see a bed.” I mumble against the soft pillows.
“Shut up and cuddle me.” He yawned. Don’t have to tell me twice.
Sadly, updates are going to drastically slow down due to the fact that I start school August 28th. But knowing me, I'll probably do what I did last year and just write during class.. I have no regrets.. But just a heads up, that I probably won't be updating as often.. Please be understanding.
So, if I don't update for a while just know that chapter twenty-eight is going to be fucking wiiiiiiiiild Patrick. (A lot happens, so if it takes a while for me to update it's also probably because it's going to take me a while to write.)
In the meantime, here's a little fun fact: Bert was originally supposed to be Bob..
Chapter 28: So Call It Quits Or Get A Grip
[Trigger Warning. Mentions of abuse and violence.]
HOLY SHIT YOUR BOY DID IT AND I ACTUALLY GOT THIS CHAPTER DONE BEFORE SCHOOL
I GO BACK TOMORROW SO HERE'S YOUR GIFT BECAUSE I NOW HAVE NO IDEA WHEN I'LL HAVE TIME TO WRITE
(Also, disregard any errors, I'll fix them later I just really wanted to get this chapter out to you guys)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
I promised myself I would never break down in front of Gerard. Ever. No matter how much he hurt me or how serious the injury. Never would I allow myself to break down in front of him.
Today I broke that promise.
"Gerard stop!" I shout. Gerard brought his fist back again and reconnected it to the side of my face, cause blood to spill out of my mouth. The whole side of my face was dripping in blood and yet he still wouldn't stop. He would always stop once he drew blood. But not this time.
"What happened to the charisma?" He grinned as he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, before slamming my body back against the hard, brick wall. "You're getting soft Frank, you never cry." Gerard laughed in amusement. His fist were now covered in blood. I wished he would stop. I don't even remember what I did.
"Please." I beg as his hands wrapped around my neck again. He rolled his eyes.
"Jesus, I would think that by now you would understand that your puppy eyes don't work on me." He scoffed. My hands gripped his as I coughed and choked. My vision was blurring with tears and lack of oxygen, but he didn't seem to care. "Look at how worthless you are." He growled. His voice was low as he grit his teeth together. I made useless attempts to swat his hands away, but he would give in.
Finally, he released me and threw me back down onto the ground. My throat burned and ached as I coughed. I quickly pulled my hands in front of my face, wiping my tears in shame. This only covered my hands in the same crimson blood that covered Gerard's. I pulled my knees into myself but I could hardly move without groaning in agony.
"You're nothing but a waste of space." He grunted as he kicked me hard in the gut. I screamed out in pain as I tried to pulled my knees closer. "No one will ever love you, y'know? Even if they say they do, you have to understand that people lie, Frank." He laughed some more. I couldn't stop my body from shaking. All I could do was cry and try to protect myself. All my attempts were useless.
"Pathetic," he sighed as he leaned down, brushing his red hair behind his ear. "Honestly Frank, you're no fun anymore." He sighed as he picked me back up. I just want this all to end.
"At least put on a show." He grumbled, smacking me hard across the face. I hissed in pain.
"Fuck you." I snarled through tears. He dropped me once again back onto the ground. I shakily lifted myself to my hands and knees, but it didn't help anything as I collapsed back down again.
"Well, there's some spark left," he shrugged, as he watched me struggle. "But the question is, how long will it last?" He sneered, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
I couldn't speak. I didn't dare to this time. I wiped the blood from my mouth as I brought myself to sit up against the wall. My breathing was heavy and my vision was blurred from a mixture of tears and exhaustion.
I looked up at Gerard as he stared down at me, menacingly. What did I ever do to him to deserve this?
"I'm a bit tired today, so I think I'm calling it a day." Gerard sighed as he brushed his red hair behind his ear with his blood-stained hands. "Dry your eyes, I'll be back tomorrow." He smirked. My whole body shuddered. My throat hurt from where he choked me earlier. I went to stand up again, but ended up screaming silently in pain as I collapsed back onto the ground.
I watched as he walked away. I didn't need to grab Gerard's attention again. I stared at the back of his head as he went just to make sure he didn't turn back around.
I don't like the color red.
"Frank," Gerard yawned. "Frank sweetie, wake up it's just a bad dream." Gerard sighed, his voice thick with sleep. My eyes flew open in fear. I felt Gerard roll over and lay a gentle hand on my shoulder.
"You okay? You're a pretty sweaty." He asked, moving himself to where I could see his face. No, no, no.
"No." I shuddered. I couldn't breathe. This is Gerard. The same person from three years ago that pinned me against the side of the school and beat me to my breaking point. No, no, no.
"Is there anything you want me to get you or-"
"No!" I yelled, jumping out of bed. Gerard peered at me through his hazy eyes. He sat up straight and brushed his unruly black hair behind his ear. Black, not red.
"Hey hey, it's okay," he stammered as he rolled out of bed. Gerard was now awake and alert as he stepped closer. Concern prominent in his tired eyes. "Here, let's get you into some clean-"
"Stop!" I shout. Gerard stopped dead in his tracks. Hurt flashing on his face, but quickly replaced with worry.
"Frank?" He asked softly, his voice breaking. He reached out a hand but I quickly stepped away.
"Don't touch me!" I yell. Gerard's mouth fell open slightly in shock. He looked genuinely hurt. I can't do this right now. "Just- get away from me." I stammer as I retreated into the bathroom. Gerard didn't move. He just stood there watching me, trying to process what just happened. Stunned to say the least.
I locked the door behind me and slouched against it, pulling my knees into my chest.
I completely forgot about that day. How could I possible forget that day. How could I ever love someone that has done something as horrible as that? 'You have to understand that people lie, Frank.' What if he's just lying? What if he never changed? Look how many times I forgave him in the past, have any of them ever ended well? I'm just making another mistake.
He's the one mistake I keep making. Haven't I learned anything? I should've never put my trust in him. In anyone. How stupid can I possibly be?
I need to seriously rethink this whole thing with Gerard. How can I say I love him after what he did? How? I can't wrap my head around any of this.
I can ponder over this later, but right now I have a wedding to get ready for. Instead of focusing on the one thing on my mind, I'm going to get up, get ready and go to my mother's wedding. All for her.
In my darkest thoughts, I will pull myself together just for one day to make someone else happy.
Don't ever say I didn't do anything for you.
Gerard kept his distance. We got dressed in silence. Occasionally, I could feel his eyes on me, but I never looked back at him. My mind was set on auto-pilot. I couldn't think about anything except for what I was currently doing. Loop, tighten, pull and adjust. I flatted out my black tie and made sure my suit was okay.
There's only two things I dress up for, weddings and funerals. Neither of them are enjoyable and are always painfully awkward or sad. Sometimes both. I wasn't looking forward to my mother's wedding at all. I also wasn't looking forward to being with Gerard the whole time. Before, I was looking forward to spending time with Gerard, but of course, my mind always fucks things up.
This was only our first day in Florida. If a fucked up dream happened only in one night, imagine what can happen in two more. This trip can either go very good or very bad, and so far I'm not feeling very optimistic.
"I- I know the color scheme is white and gold, but I uh, I packed a blue tie instead because I know it's your uh- favorite color." Gerard said quietly, breaking the silence as he stumbled on his words. I looked at him in the mirror I was standing in front of. I met his gaze for a second, but then quickly looked away.
"Thoughtful." I commented. Gerard turned away again and went back to attempting to flatten his bed hair and tie his aqua, blue tie in the mirror he was in front of across the room. I watched him as he pretended to know what he was doing. I knew he didn't know how to tie a tie, but I also knew he wasn't about to ask me for help.
I can only imagine what he's thinking right now. He has no idea what's happened and here I am ignoring him and acting like he's the worst thing to ever walk the planet. God, now I feel bad.
No, now is not the time for empathy. You have things to think about and decisions to make. Is this really what you want? Can you really trust Gerard? I just need space. I need time to think. That's all.
"Yeah, I stole it from Mikey. He'll probably be wondering why I stole his, but don't brothers steal each others clothes? I really wouldn't know, I can't fit into Mikey's clothes and- I'm rambling." Gerard babbled. He does that when he's nervous. Ramble out pointless things to avoid what's really on his mind. Normally, I would walk over there and kiss him, cutting off his words, but after the flashback dream I had, I don't know what's normal anymore.
I sighed as I turned around, Gerard still struggling with his tie. He didn't notice me now facing him, so I took it upon myself to walk over there and ki- help him with his tie.
"Hmm," I hum as I grabbed him, gently by the shoulder and turned him around to face me. He looked down at me a little anxiously, but a hint of curiosity. "Here." I offered taking the tie from him. I was helping him, that's all. I wrapped the tie around his neck and began slowly tying the silky, blue tie and tightened it, then tucking it under the collar and making sure it was even. Gerard shoved his hands in his pockets as I stepped away.
"Thanks." He nodded. I didn't reply. "Uh, I already called a cab, so uh, whenever you're ready." He stammered.
"Sure." I answer.
The whole cab ride was silent. Gerard kept his gaze looking out the window and so did I. Neither of us said a word. I could tell Gerard was deep in thought when I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. Probably thinking about what he did wrong to make me react like this. Fuck, I feel terrible now.
I know, it's silly to hold a grudge or use something against him that happened three years ago, but can you blame me? It's possibly the worst memory I have of Gerard. Can I really be sure that Gerard won't do this again? Just look back to a few months ago. Gerard hit me and I left for about a week. I don't want that for the rest of my life. Given he was on drugs, still, it's not an excuse. Who's to say it won't happen again? A lot can change in three years and a lot can change in three days. I just hope it's for the better in the end.
Yes, he's done a lot of bad shit. And I mean a lot, but in the end he has made me a better person and to be honest, I made him a better person too. I helped him through his eating disorder and he helps me through my night terrors. But wait, instead of letting him help me this morning I pushed him away. He was only trying to help and I freaked out on him with no explanation. Fuck.. I've pushed him away in the past, but that's only because it was personal things I didn't want to share at the time. How would he react if I talked to him about this? God, I don't know! Gerard is just one of those people that have seen the worst in me, but brought out the best in me. I could write a whole book on all the things he's done to help me become a better person.
I remember him helping me get dressed and walk after I was released from the hospital, and the time I came home late from Jamia's and he texted me because he couldn't sleep. He blamed it on the rain, but I knew as well as he did, it was because Mikey was in the hospital. Also the time when he called me as he was in tears and I literally ran to his house in the middle of the night just so he could tell me Mikey was alive. I remember after I calmed him down a bit, he felt guilty for making me come over so, he made me spend the night.
I smiled to myself a bit as I recalled the time he profusely apologized over text message after we had a fist fight in gym. Well, he sent me some cheesy spanish poetry too because he knew it irritated me. First day of gym and Gerard and I get into a fight, leave it to us. I chuckled a bit. I can't blame Gerard for that day, I did start the fight. He was trying to hold me back but it just backfired and his helpful gesture ended up with us brawling on the floor. Why does that memory make me laugh? It should be something I don't want to talk about but honestly, that's a story you could tell your grandkids. It's kinda funny now that I look back at it.
I don't know why, but those times make me happy. They really shouldn't but they do. Gerard trying to be a 'good friend' so he would do things like have deep conversations about destiel with me at like four in the morning and that time when he showed up at my house in the middle of the night, drunk and accidentally coming out. I think I like those times so much because those were the times when I was starting to fall in love with him. Fuck, that sounds cheesy, but for some weird reason, it makes me smile just thinking about it.
Gosh, we were so weird and awkward then. We were so I don't know how to explain it, but we were so, awkward? Like not cute awkward, like what the fuck you assbutts, lip-lock already or just very painfully awkward. We had matching necklaces. I played it off as friendship necklaces, but bitch please, we all knew what they were.
I was soon pulled out of my thoughts when we arrived in front of the church. Gerard paid the driver and we both made our way inside.
I could tell Gerard's mood has dropped drastically. His face was unreadable and that has never been a good thing in the past. He can either be extremely pissed or extremely sad. Neither of those options were something I wanted for him.
Once inside, my mom greeted us with a fake smile. She was already in her wedding dress and Mark was nowhere to be seen.
"Hey guys, glad you could make it." She smiled. Ew, she was so fake it made me sick.
"Hi," I greeted. Jeez, who picked out that dress? Tragic. "You look very, uh-" Gerard cleared his throat and I took that as a warning. "Very nice." I finished, faking a smile. She did the same, then glanced over to Gerard.
Her face flashed with disgust and her smile faltered. I have a pretty good guess as to why. Ha, it's because of Gerard's tie. Point one for him.
"Oh, Gerard." She grimaced. Gerard's face dropped slightly and he looked down in shame. I clenched my fist tightly.
"Is there a problem?" I challenged. She glared at me as she tore her gaze away from Gerard's tie. Bitch, try me right now I dare you.
"No dear," she sighed. "You might want to go find a seat before everyone else." She suggested before walking off again. I rolled my eyes as she left. How fucking rude can you be?
Gerard and I sat in a row that was more towards the back, but still in the middle. We were away from the crowd that was gathered in the front rows, so that was good. I sat on the edge and Gerard sat beside me of course, but not as close as we normally are.
I rested my arm on the armrest and propped my face up in the palm of my hand. This is the most awkwardest silence I've ever endured. I glanced over at Gerard again, from the corner of my eye and watched as he looked down at himself, toying with his tie.
"I shouldn't have worn a blue tie." He whispered to himself. He didn't mean for me to hear, but I did and this only fueled my anger towards my mom. How dare she make Gerard feel bad about his attire.
"You look fine," I snap angrily, but not towards him. I hope he knows it's not towards him. Oh god, Frank. Just keep talking and try to make the situation better but in reality, only make it worse. "Don't let her- I don't know she's a cunt you know this just don't let her- bother you." I concluded a bit more calmly. I lifted my head and looked at him after a moment of silence. He looked up at me slowly and smiled a bit sadly, before looking away.
"I'll be right back." He announced as he stood up and left. Oh lovely, who knows where he's going or what he's going off to do. It's not like I can go follow him. Wait a minute, see I'm worried about him. If I didn't love him I wouldn't be worried about him.. Let's just see how the rest of today pans out.
My god, why is something from three years ago bothering me so much? Either call it quits or get a grip.
Just like every wedding, after the ceremony comes the reception. It started out like any other reception, sweet and pretty, but then- oh then.
Leave it to Mark fucking Hoppus to get completely drunk and decided to introduce himself to Gerard.
"Frankie!" He yelled from across the room. I could barely hear him over the loud music as he made his way over to us with a glass of champagne in hand. His once slicked back, brown hair was now going in all different directions. Mark is actually a pretty nice guy. Given I've only met him once a couple months ago. He seemed far too good for her, but here we are.
"Frank!" Mark beamed as he slung his arm over my shoulders, spilling a little bit of champagne down my front in the process. Great. Even though it was dark, I could still see Gerard's growing blush and his attempts at trying to muffle his laughter. "Oh shit, sorry dude." He slurred, trying to dry me off as he wiped his hand down my suit, but in reality he was just lazily slapping my chest. I can proudly say this guy is my step dad.
"It's fine." I say.
"Anyway, how's my step son doin'?" He asked. I shrugged a bit.
"Good." I answer. Actually, I'm going through alot right now. I'm very conflicted if I'm going to stay in the relationship I'm currently in or just call it quits because I'm too anxious for my own good. Also, it's very difficult to carry on a conversation with a drunk person.
"Oh! I forgot to ask you earlier," he burped, then continued. "When are you and Jared here getting married?" He asked as he nudged Gerard on the shoulder. Jared?
"Um, his name is Gerard," I correct. "And just because mom hit me in the head with the bouquet and I happened to catch it, doesn't mean I'm getting married anytime soon." I clarify. Let's just say, my mom was not a happy camper when she saw that I caught the flowers.
"Oh shoot. Sorry Ja-Gerard." He slurred. "But like, you two are gonna tie the knot one day, eh?" He asked. I looked over at Gerard who was pretending not to be listening as he sipped on his Dr. Pepper. Little shit. I shifted awkwardly, under Mark's arm that was still draped around my shoulders. Gerard was gazing off into space as if he wasn't listening when I knew he was. I glanced back up at Mark who was patiently waiting for an answer.
"Well, y'know, it's something we'd have to sit and talk about, something we'd really have to ponder over, and there's still some things that I need to let go of and maybe just leave the past in the past, but yeah, uh- maybe someday." I ramble on. Gerard was now looking dead at me. His expression was blank and his form was ridged. Should I keep talking?
"That's great, dude! I can't wait to walk you down the aisle!" He gasps excitedly. "My stepson is gay and is getting married to his boyfriend J-Gerard! I love you, Frank!" He shouts as he pulls me into a hug that was giving me breathing problems. Jesus, so many people heard him. Gerard's eyes bugged out of his head from how loud Mark was being. Mark just hugged me tighter. "Man, I love you." Mark said again. Damn, if only my mom could love me that much. If they divorce, I'll sue.
Just then, a friend of Mark's I'm guessing, came up and smiled at me sympathetically as he pulled Mark away.
"Dude," his friend started. "You've been saying that ever since we were blink twelve." He sighed as he dragged Mark away.
The rest of the night was filled with weird side glances from people as Mark bragged about his 'gay son getting married to his boyfriend Jared'. My mom was one of those weird glances, but I was living it up. I guess she's mad that someone actually is proud and supportive of me.
After Mark confronted me about the whole marriage thing in front of Gerard and his unreadable reaction, I've been avoiding Gerard ever since. I was currently watching Gerard getting a drink from across the room as I gingerly sipped from my glass. I shouldn't be drinking in public because in the state of mind I'm in, it wouldn't be a good idea to get drunk. In public. In a church. It's just not a good idea, dude.
Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He's coming this way, quick pretend you weren't watching him from a distance.
"Hey." He flashed a small smile, now standing next to me.
"Hey." I repeated. We stared at each other for a moment before he looked away as he took in a deep breath.
"Can we talk?" He asked looking back at me. I stopped for a moment, but then quickly nodded.
"Yeah." I say quietly. Gerard nods nervously as he heads for the exist. I quickly down the rest of my drink and follow him.
Like I said before, this can go one of two ways. I just hope everything is okay in the end.
It was surprisingly a lot cooler once we were outside. It was also a hell of alot darker than when we first arrived. Gerard took a seat on the wooden bench by the sidewalk and I joined him quietly.
Gerard sighed as he looked out at the dark street.
"Well," he started. "I'm-"
"I know," I interrupted him. "You're confused." I say.
"Yeah." He sighed sadly. "I mean I don't know what I did or- or what I said you just were making noises in your sleep so I woke you up and- and-" It was only till then that I realized that he was crying. I feel like the biggest bag of dicks know to man.
"Hey hey." I whisper, pulling him into my chest. He wrapped both of his arms around my torso and just cried. After all he's done these past few weeks, he deserved a good cry. He need this and he need me just as much as I needed him.
Did I actually think I was going to end it with Gerard? Did I actually think I was better off without him?
"I don't know what I did I was- I'm terrified." He admitted. I rubbed his back comfortingly as he sobbed into my chest.
"I- I didn't know what to do, I freaked out and I didn't tell you anything." I stammered.
"What did I do?" He asked. Good question. He didn't do anything. Well, not recently.
"I don't think now is a good ti-"
"Frank." Gerard said sternly.
“It’s not something I’d like to ponder on, but do you remember three years?” I ask. Gerard sat up again and wiped his eyes.
“Bits and pieces, it’s not something I want to ponder on either.” He admitted.
“Well, this morning I had another dream,” I say using air quotes. Gerard nodded, beckoning me to continue. “It was when-” I trail off. Gerard rested a hand on my knee.
“It's okay.” He whispered. I wiped my cheeks.
“Three years ago, after school you beat me to my breaking point and I-” I couldn't finish. I broke off into a fit of tears, but I was trying to hide them. Gerard stilled.
“Frank, you know-”
“I know!” I shout, cutting him off. “I know, it's just I completely forgot about that day and it just hit me hard this morning and- and I didn't know what to do.” I explained.
“I don't blame you for reacting the way you did.” He said softly. “You had every right to react that way and I would've too if I was in your shoes.” Gerard sighed.
“It's just- it's not something I wanted to remember.” I conceded.
“I regret everything from back then,” Gerard stated. “You have to understand Frank, that everything I said then was a lie, people lie Frank.” Gerard stressed.
‘You have to understand that people lie, Frank.’
“I would never say or do any of those things to you. Never would I hurt you like that ever again,” he continued. I looked up and him and saw the tears reforming in his eyes. “Frank, I love you.” He urged.
I remained silent for a moment.
“I- I love you too.” I admit.
“And I would never- never do anything like that again. Me then is not me now, I've changed and you know that, right?” He asked. “You have know that that's not me.” He begged. I looked into his pleading eyes and smiled sadly.
“I know,” I say pulling him back into me. “I know.” I reiterated, hugging him tightly.
“Just please, talk to me when things like this happen.” He cried into my shoulder. I nodded.
“I will.” I whisper.
That night I buried all my fears. Gerard has worked so hard on changing for the better since then and some freak dream shouldn't sabotage that. Like I said before, I need him and he needs me. It does us no good to be apart. The sooner I realize this, the better.
“How about we head back to the hotel and restart this whole vacation? We still have two days left.” I ask as I pull myself away. Gerard smiled weakly as he wiped his tears.
“I’d like that.” He laughed as we stood up.
Tonight I also learned that what has happened in the past should stay in the past. It does neither of us any good rehashing those memories. Gerard and I both admitted we made mistakes in the past. It's time to move on and move forward rather than backwards. And right now I'm okay with the way things are going.
I laid on my back next to Gerard in bed. Gerard was fiaticed on staring at the ceiling, deep in thought. I glanced over him in the dark. Even the palest of moonlight couldn't hide his discomfort.
"What's bothering you?" I asked quietly. He tore his gaze away from the ceiling as he rolled over on his side to face me. I did the same.
“A lot of things honestly.” He exhaled.
“Like what you said at the wedding.” He blurted out. I stayed silent not knowing what to say. Once he realized I had nothing to say, he continued. “Like one day getting married?" He said more as a question.
"I thought you weren't listening?"
"I might've heard a little bit." He smiled, looking away. I grinned and chortled lightly.
"And?" I asked, reaching out to hold his hand.
"I want to know if you were just saying it to get him to shut up or if you were being genuine." He conceded. I let his words sink in. Was I just saying it to please Mark? Was this just a temporary relationship between two hopeless romantics? "I just don't want to be filled with false hope. I actually want this, Frank. I want us." He spewed, looking up from where my hand rested in his.
I was saying a lot of the things to please Mark, but that doesn't make it any less the truth. I want what we have and more.
"Yes, I said somethings to please him," his face dropped slightly. "But that doesn't make what I said lies. Yes, maybe someday. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday. I wouldn't fill you with false hope." I concluded.
"So, what you're saying is that you wouldn't mind if someday we got married?" He asked shifting closer a bit.
"I wouldn't mind at all." I smiled as his other hand snaked around the back of my neck and pulled me in until our lips met. He smiled softly as his hand rested on the back of my neck.
“I think we should sleep if we want to do anything tomorrow.”Gerard mumbled against my lips.
“I’m content with this.” I say. Gerard smiled as he shifted back to lay on his back and I rested my head against his chest. “This works too.” I admit. He toyed with my hair until I eventually fell asleep in his arms, letting everything of today wash away.
aaaah man, did I scare you a bit? Anyway, these next chapters are going to be so cheesy and fluffy but like, we deserve some fluff. So be looking forward to that. Okay, I'm serious this time. Updates are going to be slow since I'm starting school tomorrow. I guess see ya in the next update (whenever that may be)
Chapter 29: To The End
*Looks at book title. Looks at chapter title* Roll credits.
Kidding, but hey, this is a happy chapter so enjoy it..
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
I'll be very honest, I didn't want to get out of bed today. Not because I'm depressed or just having a bad day, because at this time tomorrow, Gerard and I will be on a plane heading back to New Jersey. I just wished I had more time with him. Just a few days with no interruptions, is that too much to ask for? Apparently.
I felt Gerard stir in his sleep next to me from where I laid on my back. I sighed contently with my eyes still closed. The warm sun was beaming through the cheap, hotel curtains casting a warm glow in the room. I could only imagine how adorable Gerard looked in the morning sun right now.
Gerard continued shifting around until I suddenly, felt his soft lips against my skin. The corners of my mouth curved upwards into a smile as he continued placing soft kisses along my bare shoulder. From where we both laid under the covers, he slowly moved his leg over my waist and gently moved himself up to where he was barely hovering over me. His body heat was radiating onto me as his bare skin brushed against mine. His breath tickled my neck as he continued placing delicate kisses up along my neck.
I'm assuming he thinks I'm still asleep. Well, I wasn't about to stop him. The less he knows the better. His lips were now on my cheeks and I was trying my hardest not to blow my cover, but I'm positive that my smile had already given it away.
"I know you're awake." He whispered as his lips inched closer and closer to mine. With my eyes still shut, I moved my hands up Gerard's sides, slowly and rested them on the nape of his neck as he mushed his lips against mine, lazily. I let my hands easily intertwine in his hair.
Our lips moved together tenderly and perfectly in sync. I brought my other hand up to rest on his shoulder, the other still interlocked in his disheveled hair. The only sounds that filled the room was the birds chirping from outside and both of our laboured breathing. It was something I could definitely get used to.
I tightened my grip on his hair as he rolled his hips down onto me, slowly but roughly. My mouth fell open slightly as I gasped quietly, barely audible.
Soon enough, Gerard pulled away. I suppressed an unsatisfied whine as I opened my eyes. The room was brighter than I expected and my vision was opaque.
"Good morning." I say groggily. Gerard's face hovered right above mine. My smile reappeared as my eyes met his. Those beautiful, hazel eyes that I love so much.
"Morning." He returned. His tongue grazing over his bottom lip as he too smiled faintly.
"I could've sworn I went to bed with clothes on last night." I noted as Gerard reconnected his lips back onto my neck. I bit my lip, moaning softly as I pulled on Gerard's hair slightly. Details of last night soon came flooding back into my mind. Fell asleep in his arms. Ha, sure..
"You and I were both exhausted," he said coming back up to where I could see his face again. "You especially." He added, pecking my lips quickly before sitting up. Hey, that's it? Can't we just lie in bed all day? I was enjoying that.
"Hey, what are you doing?" I whine. Gerard smirked from where he stood as he pulled on his boxers.
"Come on." He grinned as he pulled me out of bed and into his chest.
"Excuse me, but I was enjoying what we were doing a few seconds ago." I object. Gerard just smiled.
"We can do that anyday, we can't however, go to Florida everyday." He reasoned.
"Fair point." I say as he let go of me and padded across the room, before bending down in front of our suitcases.
"Here," he said tossing me a pair of pants. "I'm pretty sure they don't allow people to walk around in the nude in Florida." He smirked.
"Did I mention I was from Jersey?"
"Dear Lord, just put the pants on." He groaned.
"She's going to be so mad at us." I laughed in amusement. I could see the regret seeping on Gerard's face. Donna should have never given us money. Maybe just enough for food, but not enough for a fucking rental car.
"It's more convenient." Gerard reasoned. Is it really though?
"Because two teenage boys need a rental car just for a few hours." I add. My voice dripping with sarcasm.
"See, I'm glad you understand." Gerard grinned as he patted my thigh, his other hand on the steering wheel.
"Jesus," I mumble. "Well, what else is there that we can blow money on-"
"Oh my god, is that a waterpark?" Gerard practically moans. Calm dude...
"I bet the price is astronomical." I sighed. The only waterparks near where we live are either old or abandoned. I've never been to a waterpark actually. Or amusement parks that is. Anything that involves heights, I am far away from. Fuck that.
"We're going." Gerard states firmly as he turns the car around, nearly getting us into an accident. Why do I let Gerard do the driving again? Maybe because I'm too scared of driving. Yeah that would explain it.
"Gerard, Donna's going to kill us." I emphasize. Gerard doesn't seem to care. He is determined to get to this fucking waterpark. Never trust a repressed emo at a waterpark. Only problem with this plan is that we both equally hate the sun.
"Are you serious about this?" I asked, raising a questioning eyebrow. He can't be, can he?
"You bet your sweet ass I am." He smirked. Well, I do have a sweet ass. So I was told... Last night... Anyway..
"I can't believe we're doing this." I whisper to Gerard as we stand in line, under the hot sun. I hate this already. The swimsuits we bought at Target on the way here were too tight on the both of us and not to mention they're fucking neon green. The things you do for love.
Gerard hummed, uninterested as he squinted towards the whiteboard above the ticket booth. I followed his gaze to see what had caught his attention.
"Frank, you're twelve today." He stated. I'm what now?
"Um, what?" I asked, genuinely confused. Gerard smirked as he pointed to the board.
'Children twelve and under get in for free.' Well, fuck me I'm twelve. That- that didn't sound right. Never mind...
"I'm your daddy today." He grinned mischievously. Well, well, well.
"I thought you were my daddy everyday." I say as innocently as I could manage. Gerard nearly choked on his own spit but quickly got himself together. That's what I thought.
"Next!" The woman in the booth shouted. That's us. Gerard and I shuffled up to the booth where the woman sat inside with her small, rickety fan blowing in her direction.
"How may I help you?" She sighed. Fuck, I feel for this woman. She's got it rough having to sit in a hot box all day in Florida.
"Yes, uh two tickets? One adult and one child." Gerard said as he fumbled with his wallet. The woman's eyes ran over me quickly, before she rolled them slightly.
"Aren't you a little too young to have scruff?" She asked in a sarcastic tone. Fuck, I forgot to shave. Gerard cleared his throat as he quickly handed his card to her.
"Puberty hit him pretty early." Gerard explained. The woman shrugged as she swiped the card and handed it back to Gerard, along with our tickets.
"Enjoy your day." She smiled, almost robotically. Gerard nodded as he pulled me along.
"That was close." I whisper.
"Last time I felt that kind of fear was when I stole my mom's credit card to buy comics." Gerard muttered.
"You're kidding?" I scoff.
"I was ten." He defended. I huffed a laugh.
To say the park was huge was an understatement. It was enormous. There would be no way for us to ride all of these rides in one day. Not that I'm complaining, big rides plus small dude don't mix. Well, Gerard is a pretty big ride... Heights and Frank Iero don't mix. Yeah, that's better.
"Holy shit." I gawked. Gerard's mouth fell open as we both stared at the park in awe.
"Best money I've ever spent, hands down." Gerard breathed.
"What about those comics when you were ten?" I grin. Gerard laughed as he slapped me playfully on the arm.
My eyes diverted to the wave pool that was creating monstrous waves. I looked back at Gerard.
"Wave pool?" He questioned.
"Wave pool." I confirmed, already taking off my t-shirt.
"I fucking hate you, Gerard Way. I hope you die a fiery death, I hate you so much." I gasp as I looked down from where stood on the top platform, which was one hundred and twenty feet in the air. Fuck this.
"I love you too Frank, now come on! It'll be fun!" He beams as he pulled our tube up to the slide. The last ten slides were fun.. No not because they were closer to the ground and inclosed..
The lifeguard adjusted the tube, before Gerard eagerly sat down in the front. Shakily, I lowered myself down behind him, gripping the guardrails.
"I don't understand your definition of fun." I mutter as I tuck my legs under his arms for probably the millionth time today. On every slide we've been on, he's always been in the front. For multiple reasons, the most obvious one being, I'm a scared little bitch.
"You guys ready?" The lifeguard asked enthusiastically. Someone loves their job..
"Sure." I mumble the response.
"Have fun." He grinned as he pushed us along. I would have much rather gone on the slide below us that was inclosed and wasn't a steep drop, but no. I kept my eyes open just long enough to see the concrete below and the intimidating drop that was yet to come.
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
"Gerard, I love you so much- oh my god!" I cried out as we started to drift closer and closer to our ultimate death. Gerard screamed excitedly, ignoring my terrified babbling as he threw his hands up in the air as we plummeted downwards.
I opened my mouth to scream but no sound came out. My stomach felt like it was lodged in my throat and- oh god, now is not the time to puke.
Before I knew it, we were at the bottom and Gerard was scrambling to his feet. Eyes wide and full of adrenaline.
"That was amazing, let's go on more!" He beamed. Oh hell no.
"Yeah, sure." I put on a fake smile, my voice higher than usual. Gerard smiled as he pulled me to my feet and grabbed the tube.
"Or we can go hang out some more in the wave pool." He offered. Yes, that works. Gerard smiled lazily. "I won't force you on anymore waterslides, I know you're scared of heights." He said coolly.
"What?" I squint as the sun hit my eyes. "Me? Scared of heights? Ha, no way." I wave dismissively, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Sure you aren't," he grinned as we walked towards the wave pool again. "Hey, maybe we should head back to the hotel soon, you're looking a little red." Gerard suggested, carding his hand through his messy, wet locks.
"So are you." I wince, noticing he's a bit more than 'just red'. He's fucking burnt. Well, what do you expect after being at a waterpark all day? Especially when you're a vampire like Gerard.
"I'll definitely feel this in the morning." He grimaced.
"So will I." I sighed.
"How about we get out of here and go out for dinner maybe?" He suggests. "It is our last day here in Florida." He added. I nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, sounds good," I say. "I could go for a milkshake." I add with a smirk. I saw Gerard glare at me from the corner of my eye.
"As much as I hate to admit it, this food is better than some of the joints in Jersey." I admit. Gerard laughed.
"Man, you feeling okay Frank?" He grinned. I smiled as I took another bite from the surprisingly better than Jersey pizza. Forgive me father for I have sinned.
"I've been exposed to the sun for more than four hours, I may be experiencing some weird things." I joke. Gerard chortled softly.
"You and me both." He sighed as we fell into a comfortable silence. I let my mind wander as we ate to the sound of plates and silverware clanging against one another in the small, rundown diner just a few miles away from our hotel.
How did I get this lucky? I glance up at Gerard for a quick moment to see him munching on his noodles. How did I get so lucky to be genuinely happy with Gerard? I sometimes think I don't deserve it, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I just- I just hope he wouldn't either. Then it hit me. Like a train barreling down the railroad, it hit me.
Gerard is an aspiring artist and he has more talent than I've ever seen in a high school student. It would be expected for him to want to pursue his dream. By the end of this month, we'll be in our final months of high school, which means he'll be looking for art colleges to apply for, and I'll be left behind while he goes and makes something of himself. I want him to be successful, but I don't want him to leave me.
He'll go off to some big college in New York maybe, find someone new that he shares more interest with and he'll forget all about me as he works on building up his new life. I'll be nothing but an ex-boyfriend he had in high school. A distant memory. A small brush stroke in his life painting.
I felt the tears brim my eyelids, but I blinked them away. It was bound to happen sometime, I just didn't know it was so soon. After everything we've been through, we've built each other up and overcome so much together. I don't want to let it go. But I also don't want to hold Gerard back from the great things he can achieve.
I can either be selfish and keep him here with me or I can do what's right and let him go. If I really do love him, I'll let him go, despite how it will effect me. Despite the fact it will ruin me.
"Gerard, can I ask you something?" I say abruptly. Gerard met my gaze and nodded. "Christmas break is coming up soon and I'm just- I'm just nervous." I sighed. Gerard knitted his eyebrows together in confusion.
"About?" He asked.
"About what's to come after we graduate." I admit. Gerard wiped his mouth in his napkin, then rested his elbows on the table.
"I'm confused?" He tilted his head slightly.
"It's just, you're probably going to want to go to college and- I don't know Pete is probably going to go off to some big city with his band and Mikey will probably tag along and it's just- I'll be here." I ramble. Gerard stayed silent. "Alone." I added. Gerard took a deep breath before he spoke.
"Yes, college has crossed my mind." He started. And there it is. In just six words my future had been determined. "But," he sighed, adjusting himself in his seat. "Just because I have talent doesn't mean that I'll be successful." He reasoned using air quotations. Are you kidding me? It would be insane for someone like Gerard not to be successful.
"Let me finish," Gerard interrupted. "Some of the most talented people aren't successful, have you seen some of the street art? Those murals are outstanding, but those people aren't necessarily successful." He concludes. I was now the one that was confused.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I mean, just because I have talent doesn't mean I'll be successful," he clarifies. He had a point, but I didn't want to believe it. I want to believe that Gerard could and would make it. "Let's say I do go off to art school, pay all this money just to go to school, but whose to say I'll actually make it?" He asked.
"You won't know if you don't try." I reasoned.
"But what if I don't want to try?" He retaliates. I- I never thought about that.
"So you're saying you'd give up your dreams just because you think you won't make it?" I ask. Gerard shook his head.
"No, I'm saying that my dreams aren't found in the bottom of a paint can or in a new pack of pens, I'm saying my dreams are right here where I am." He stated. Wait...?
"What?" I breathe.
"Frank, I don't care about being some famous artist, I'd probably end up starving on the streets, what I care about is sitting right in front of me and don't you dare mock me about how cheesy I'm being." He breaks off into a grin as he leaned forward. "Besides, college is expensive and I'll be spending the rest of my life paying off student loans, it would be selfish of me to go off to college." Gerard explained.
"How so?" I questioned.
"My mom is still paying off my father's hospital bills and for me to ask her to pay for my college when I don't even have faith in myself to make it, it's possibly the most selfish thing I could do."
"So you don't want to go to college?" I ask. Gerard scoffed as he leaned back in his seat.
"Please, and get griped at by teachers for another four years only to end up hating art? Nah, I'm good." He waved dismissively. I tried to contain my smile but failed.
"So, I'm not going anywhere, not without you anyway." He smiled. Fuck. I might cry. "I'm going to take a stab in the dark here, but if the reason you're asking all of this is because you're scared I'll one day leave you, I'm telling you now, the only way I'm leaving you is if you ask me to or if I tragically die." He exaggerates. Well.. That was blunt.
"However, if I do die tragically, you better write a bomb ass book about it. Write the most saddest love story ever and get that shit on the New York's best sellers list and then I'll be the happiest ghostie ever." He joked.
"Oh my god." I laughed, Gerard laughed as well.
"So that's your plan?" I queried.
"Pretty good plan if you ask me," he grinned. "I don't mind spending the rest of my days right here with you." He notes.
"To the end?" I ask.
"To the very end." Gerard confirms.
"You're right, pretty good plan to me too." I say. Gerard leaned forward again before whispering softly.
"What do you say we get out of here and head back to the hotel and fool around maybe?" He whispered seductively. Little shit.
"Also a pretty good plan."
Yeah, sorry if this chapter sucked. I've been sick all weekend and felt guilty for not updating for about two weeks. Hope you enjoyed anyway..