|it was captioned: One for the History Books
p.s. My faves slay your faves.
And then somebody retweeted the tweet with this caption;
"Rihanna looks like she scams rich white men and Lupita is the computer smart best friend that helps plan the scans."
*scams I guess.
So of course Twitter jumped on that shit like Chris Brown on every song he can and it just started to snowball from there. Issa Rae offered to write it, Ava Duvernay to direct it, I saw someone else was down to produce it. Lupita was down to star in it if +Rihanna was. As of going to press, we still waiting to see if Rihanna is down.
So anyway, @XLNB wrote a dummy script for the 'movie' where Rihanna falls in love with the mark blah blah but they still steal his money. I was like, ugh, really? That script has been done 5769765431346476 times. I have another idea.
Wanna hear it?
Well you're going to hear it, whether you like it or not.
And +Rihanna if you're reading this, here are my references.
So here's my rendition of the Rihanna-Lupita movie.
Rain-check on the Last Dance
BACK ALLEY SOMEWHERE IN NEW YORK
Rihanna is walking slowly, smoking a blunt lost in thought. She's just used up the last of her savings from the last job she had. Since President Trump took over the country it's been hard for an undocumented immigrant from Haiti to find work. She couldn't go home. There was nothing there for her. All her family died in the earthquake. She can't face her own country. If she's gonna die, she'd rather do it here, in New York.
She hears a sound behind her and looks back, hand on the switchblade she keeps strapped to her thigh. She hears a scream, high pitched, scared but angry too. It's coming from the other end of the alley and she creeps cautiously forward to peer into the pitch dark.
There is a group of people massed together from what she can see. They seem to be agitated, moving around and struggling.
"Leave me alone you bastards!" a female voice screams from the thick of the group of people and Rihanna can't help herself. She steps forward. Coming closer, she can see that it's a group of five men, and one girl.
Three guesses what they're trying to do to her.
Rihanna fishes out the 9mm she keeps in her bra and points it in the air.
"Leave her alone!" she shouted and let off a shot.
The cowardly men took off, leaving a small shape huddled on the floor. Rihanna stared at her.
"You okay?" she asked taking a step back.
The girl looked up at her with the most luminous big eyes Rihanna had ever seen, "I'm fine." She said, "Thank you."
Rihanna reversed direction stepping forward and reaching her hand down, "I'm Rihanna" she said.
"Lupita" the girl replied.
"Pleasure" Rihanna said helping her to her feet.
"Yeah, very glad to meet you as well."
They live together, survive together; coming up with more and more creative ways to make money. As they manage to stop living from hand to mouth, they move up from petty theft, to breaking and entering, to scam artistes. Lupita is a whiz with a computer and Rihanna can talk anyone into anything. They make a fantastic team.
Rihanna was really excited about this mark because unlike their average idiot, this one was bloody good lookin'. She approaches him at a party, gets his number and they begin the dance of seduction and manipulation. Lupita is inexplicably hostile to this guy. She doesn't like how much Rihanna is enjoying the job. Rihanna tries to find out what's bugging her partner but she won't say. Lupita channels her feelings into finding out more background on Anders and just after rihanna finishes clearing his account out and transferring the money to their holding account in the Caribbean island of Barbados...Lupita discovers that he's a plant.
She frantically tries to get hold of Rihanna but she's already left for the rendezvous point. If the money is tagged like Lupita suspects it is, it means one of their accounts is blown, and Rihanna is exposed.
Lupita always stays in the background but she breaks her cover to get to Rihanna before the cops do.
"Lupita this isn't the plan!" Rihanna tries to exclaim as she follows Lupita at a dead run through the maze of streets she's leading her through.
"Yeah well..." Lupita said, "If they caught you..."
"If they caught me what Lupita? We would follow the protocol" Rihanna complained.
"I couldn't let that happen" Lupita breathed as she rounded the corner to the garage which housed one of their cars.
"Why not Lupita?" Rihanna demanded getting in her face, "At least one of us coulda gotten away cle-"
Her words were stopped by Lupita kissing her, very hard. The darker girl moved back.
"I can't live without you Rihanna. Better to die together than-"
"Rihanna covered her lips with her hand before she could say it, "Don't even think it" she said her heart pounding, "Let's go."
They get in the car and drive. But the police find them and chase them over three states. Eventually they get to Texas and drive with everything they have, heading for the border. The police cut them off. They veer off and find themselves over the canyon with Trump's border wall dividing the river beneath into Mexico and USA.
Lupita and Rihanna look at each other, breathing hard.
Rihanna reaches for Lupita's hand. She takes it. Rihanna's foot bears down on the accelerator as the cops array behind them and they drive off the cliff.
But the car has undergone certain modifications....
Rihanna presses a button and voila, a parachute opens.
The car rises above the wall and goes over it.
They're in Mexico.
They set the car down on the other side of the wall and drive until they run out of fuel. Then they hitch hike their way to the very tip of south America where they live in a house on the beach in a non-extradition country. Slowly, they begin to siphon their money out of their accounts and redistribute it to others. They also contribute to local charities, planned parenthood and Chance the Rapper's bid for Chicago Mayor.
The movie ends with them holding hands as they walk into a fertility clinic where they intend to have a baby together using Jesse William's sperm.