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How Striders Roll

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-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] gardenGnostic [GG] and tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GG: dave!! :D
TT: Hello Dave. How charitable of you to grace us with the gift of your presence.
EB: yes dave you’re late! again!
TG: sorry man
TG: was out scavenging for food
TG: wandering these empty planes fighting off other starving survivors for scraps
TG: i paid for these doritos with my blood ok
TT: Which for us plebeians means that you left your room to go get snacks.
TG: well yeah
TG: though i highly doubt these metaphorical penniless romans would understand the bullshit coming out of your mouth on a daily basis
GG: well rose to be honest…
GG: he does have a point!
EB: ooooh look at that sick burn!
TT: The betrayal. Et tu, Brutus?
TT: I’ll have you know the phraseology I employ is of the highest syntactic and semantic standards so that I may keep up with the refined decorum required in high-end argumentative environments such as 4chan and the YouTube comment section.
EB: hehehehe
GG: rose you goofer!!
GG: of course we love you and your silly banter just as well
TT: Jade I am ever perplexed by your ability to warm my heart even as you insult me.
GG: :p
EB: aaaaanyway.
EB: let’s get this movienight STARTED!
EB: or movienoon i guess for jade.
EB: so uh dave join the videochat already!
TG: ugh
TG: why did we need to start facecamming for movienight again
TG: whats even the point of using cams when they arent pointed at some old hobo jacking off his wrinkly dick
TG: on omegle trying to get an eyeful of that rare preteen boob flash
TG: even though surprise surprise it turns out to be a hairy manboob ninety percent of the time
EB: ew dave that is gross on so many levels :(
EB: if i hadn’t seen your face already i'd think you were an old creepy pervert.
TG: in my heart i am
TG: only if my untainted body would reflect all the uncouth shit my eyes have witnessed
GG: dave stop you are freaking john out again!!!!
GG: also it is more fun this way!! now we get to see your guys first reactions
GG: rather than just psychobabbles and interpretative raps that are only very loosely related to the movie
GG: so for me please?
TT: Yes Dave.
TT: That rare eyebrow appearing over the top of your sunglasses, giving us a hint of what humor might have look liked on the Strider pokerface. That awe-inspiring lip-twitch of repulsion whenever the screen cuts too close to Nicolas Cage’s unfortunately shaped face.
TT: It leaves us wanting for more.
TG: alright fine you can stop throwing yourselves at me
TG: give me a moment

 

As John starts defending his movie man crush (“what do you mean ‘unfortunately shaped’???”) you move to turn on your piece of shit webcam. This includes ripping off the sticker shielding the lens because boy are you not keen on outright handing your Bro opportunities to spy on you, ironic gestures be damned.

To be honest you don’t think the whole webcam thing is as bad as you make it sound. It definitely lends some insight, and not just into the incomprehensible word vomit you and rose tend to get up to. Actually seeing John getting all worked up over dumb movies, like he currently is, was what it took for you to realize he was one hundred percent genuine in all this.

You return to reading the chat.

 

EB: either way, nick cage awesome and just to prove that point we are watching one of his classics tonight.
TT: Do we have to.
EB: yes. you. do.
EB: rose you don’t get to complain since your last movie choice with the creepy murder clown almost made dave cry.
TG: did not
TT: Ah, yes. Fond memories.
EB: also dave you are suspended from movie-picking privileges for tricking us into watching gross ecchi anime two times in a row.
TG: aw man you guys just dont appreciate ironic masterpieces do you
EB: so bottom line being for the next bazillion years it’s just me and jade picking the movies!
TT: Leaving us with a Nicholas Cage movie one week and a borderline pornographic furry depiction the other.
TT: How we suffer.
GG: jeeeeez rose for the last time just because no one wears pants in winnie the pooh it isnt like that!!! >:0
GG: anyway I saw see daves blond head popping up just now
GG: so lets gooooooooo!
TG: sorry jade but I think maybe you meant that
TG: we are making this
TG: …
GG: happen!! :D
TG: damn right we are
TT: Wait a moment.
TT: Dave, what’s that on your face?
TG: what are you talking about
EB: uh wow now that you mention it.
EB: dave is that… blood?

 

You move your hand up to touch your cheek and are met with the course texture of a crust forming over damaged skin. The cut had been so superficial that you hadn’t even considered treating it. When you remove your hand, however, it does leave a few drops worth of blood smeared over your fingertips.

 

 

 

It had been the result of one of your Bro’s traps gone wrong.

They often did. But that was kind of the point. You either learn or get mauled, simple and plain.

This one had involved shurikens and a detrimental lapse in your attention as you had just caught a sniff of sweet sweet nacho cheese odor. An open bag of doritos lay beckoning on the kitchen counter. A smell intensified by the fact that you hadn’t had the chance to eat dinner yet. A classic setup. Which you fell for.

Goddamn embarrassing is what it was.

 

TG: are you sure thats not just a glitchy pixel put there by this old ass webcam
EB: *EYES SUSPICIOUSLY*
TG: ugh
TG: okay yeah i guess im actually bleeding
GG: oh no dave are you okay?? :(
TG: yeah jade dont worry
TG: its just a scratch
TT: It looks painful for being “just a scratch.” What happened?
TG: nothing really
TG: just some bullfuckery you know how it is
TG: here look at me putting a dinosaur band aid on it and everything
TG: all it needs now is a kiss and itd be all better
GG: dave you got to take better care of yourself in the first place you dummy!!!
GG: that being said
GG: mwah <3
TG: thanks jade youre the best
EB: hmmmmmmmm.
TG: come on man look at it this way im just thinking of my future here
TG: how am I ever going to pull of the rugged on-the-road badass look without having at least one scar to show for it
TG: of course not a terribly disfiguring scar thatd be lame
TG: but a scar that asks questions like who is this man? why do i, a hot babe, feel so inexplicitly drawn to the vulnerabilitly that is no doubt hidden in his tragic backstory?
EB: okay fine.
EB: that reminds me did you know that nick cage has a barely visible scar on his chin?
EB: you can see it if you look really closely at him in ‘the family man.’ it adds a layer of mystery to his already rad persona as a solitary businessman.
EB: was it from a backstory that had been cut in the final revision? was it an actual scar that they just forgot to put make-up on in that particular movie? nobody knows for sure.
TG: john no
TG: i take it back
TG: i dont want to spend one more second thinking about cages weird face
EB: too late!
TT: So how long is it exactly that male celebrity figures have been a returning theme in your fantasies? We might be closing in on a breakthrough here.
TG: oh god what have i done

 

You end up watching The Family Man and it is expectedly terrible by virtue of it being a movie that John enjoys. However John’s child-like excitement, Rose’s continuous bickering about plot holes, and Jade’s wholesome confusion about basic human concepts make it a fun watch nonetheless. As is usually the case.

Not that you’d ever admit that.

You are about to shut down Pesterchum to mess around with one of your new comics when Rose starts pestering you in private.

 

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: For the sake of keeping my alleged journal on your mental well-being up to date I must ask.
TT: What really happened to your face? Is it something we should worry about?
TG: no man that shits embarrassing
TT: Humor me.
TG: a man must keep some mystery about him damn it
TG: now for all you know i could be a wayward vigilante
TG: nicked by my arch nemesis during the height of battle while racing against the clock to save houston from the invading crab people army once again
TG: all the while the truth could be that a loose safety pin caressed my cheek while i was busy sucking soft velvet puppet dick
TG: the point being
TG: you can never be sure
TT: Judging by the graphically phallic nature of that metaphor, which you know is right up my alley, I’d say I was right in worrying just by virtue of how adamant you seem on distracting me from this topic.
TT: So how about you actually tell me. “Spill the beans,” as they say.
TG: okay so
TG: how about we scope up all of these proverbial beans and shove them back into the can
TG: by which i mean how about you can the fake sincerity and put it back on the highest shelve of lalonde passive-aggressively where it belongs
TG: to be touched only in the most bitter of mother-daughter feuds
TT: Ouch. Have you ever considered that I may just be expressing my sincere worries as a genuine expression of my friendship?
TG: not a second no
TG: not when you start the conversation by literally referring to that fucking journal
TG: which you usually go on and on about when trying to pick apart my dreams and behaviors for homoerotic signs of my repressed sexuality
TT: Alright, point taken. I apologize for my tactless attempt at broaching this topic. It was not my intention. The ingrained patterns of speech by which I mean the constant bullshitting you and I are prone to are hard to break sometimes.
TG: okay
TT: Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it anyway?
TG: nah
TT: I see.
TT: Then I guess this is the part where I bid you goodnight.
TG: night rose

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --