Chapter Text
*0*0*
“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” Rachel said, giggling happily, fingers entwined together. She couldn’t stop looking at the engagement ring. She really couldn’t. It was that something shiny that your eyes just honed in on, and it was all hers. Hers and hers alone. No one else owned it, and no one else had been given one by the woman sitting next to her.
“We’re meant to be, it’s fate or some shit like that,” Santana said, watching Rachel’s enthralled look. If she had known a simple engagement ring would get her that excited and also get her to shut up she would have given her one months ago during finals.
“Fate, huh?” Rachel asked, still looking at the ring.
“Who knew it was your crazy ass I was going to end up living with that day?” she asked, ignoring the pointed look she got at the description of her fiancé. “Fate. Fate knew.”
“Well, I’m very pleased that fate decided to step in and help us out. We would never be here otherwise.”
“Exactly,” Santana said pointing upwards in agreement as she nodded her head.
Rachel grabbed her hand and pulled her closer, sliding her body along the bench they were waiting on. She placed her other hand on Santana’s cheek and turned her face to look straight into her eyes.
“Promise me forever?”
“Hmm?” Santana hummed, cocking her eyebrow. Those three glasses of champagne were now not looking so good on her soon to be wife.
“Promise me forever,” Rachel repeated, her forehead dropping to rest on Santana’s. “ Promise you’ll love me forever, you’ll stay with me forever, you’ll be mine forever. Promise me.”
Santana didn’t know where this declaration was coming from but she wasn’t going to ask. It might have been the champagne, it could have been the adrenaline, and it may have even been the nerves. Regardless, it was everything and more that she wanted to say, wanted them to be. Her four glasses of champagne might have been making her into a love sick puppy, but as they say, ‘in vino veritas’. In wine there is truth, and the truth of the matter was that she was crazy in love with one Rachel Berry and would indeed promise her forever.
“I promise,” she replied, leaning in to kiss Rachel’s lips softly.
“Forever?”
“Forever.”
Smiling brightly, Rachel closed the distance again and kissed Santana with ease. This was the woman she was going to get forever with, how could she not be excited by that fact? It was simply impossible.
“Miss Berry, Miss Lopez? We’re ready for you now,” a voice called, pulling them from the other.
“Am I going to have to change my name?” Rachel whispered, hand clasped in Santana’s. “Maybe we should hyphenate.”
“Don’t be silly. It’ll be Rachel Berry up in lights when your ass is making it on Broadway. We’re not ruining it by tacking my crappy name on the end.”
“I happen to like your crappy name,” Rachel replied, frowning, getting up and following the man leading them through the halls.
“You’re delusional, it’s how we got here in the first place,” Santana shot back.
“We got here because you couldn’t resist me,” Rachel teased, winking at her wife-to-be.
“Uh huh, sure,” she drawled, pulling Rachel’s body back to hers as they made their way inside.
It wasn’t going to be anything fancy, or anything over the top. While Rachel dreamed of the big wedding one day, she knew, realistically, that day wouldn’t be in her third year at NYADA. Maybe after graduation, they could renew their vows and have a big party, but as poor student with a loan to pay off sometime this century, the big wedding would have to wait. For this, Santana was thankful.
Instead of the five hundred or so people Rachel wanted to invite, it was actually just going to be Kurt, their witness, Blaine and Tina, two of Rachel’s friends from one of her classes, and Santana’s old roommate, Quinn. It was a motley crew at best, but they were the only ones who could make it such short notice, or who were willing to watch what was classified as an impending train wreck.
Screw ‘em. Train wreck or not, she was in love with the girl whose hand was in hers and that was all that mattered.
Rachel politely smiled at everyone, and greeted their friends before making her way over to the wedding officiant. The ceremony was going to be simple, but not bare. They were doing away with walking down an aisle officially, as it felt wrong knowing both their parents weren’t there to do it. Things were much less formal, the ceremony would only begin once they both stopped greeting their friends and made their way to the front of the room. It was casual and relaxed, sort of like their relationship.
Smiling politely back at her group of friends, and ignoring the slight teasing from Kurt that she could still make a run for it, Santana finally joined Rachel at the front of the room. The brunette beamed at her, entwining their fingers once more, and turned to start proceedings. Quickly halting things, Santana tugged on her arm to get Rachel to face her once more.
“No regrets, right?” she whispered, suddenly aware that everyone could see and hear them.
There was still time for Rachel to say no, and Santana needed to make sure that she had no doubts in her mind. They needed to be sure. She knew, without a moments hesitation, that this was the right thing for them, but she needed Rachel to think so, too.
“None whatsoever,” Rachel whispered back, effectively burning all doubts into dust. “How could I ever regret marrying you? You mean everything to me. Now come on, stop delaying, the sooner we’re married the sooner we can get back to our apartment and christen everything as wife and wife.” Rachel smirked and squeezed Santana’s hand once more, then smiled brightly at the officiate. Leaning over, Santana kissed Rachel’s temple and hummed against her skin.
With no regrets and a promise of forever, how could it go wrong?
*0*0*
One door. That was all that separated her from her past; one door. Being in the very building was bringing back memories, but she knew, she knew the second she knocked on the door that everything would come tumbling back. This door, this door that she was ravaged against, on both sides. This door, this very door that she quietly shut for the last time when she left for good. This door, this damn door that held a part of her life on the other side, the part she was trying to cut out now.
Gosh, whatever possessed her to do this in person? Why couldn’t she have just sent the papers through the mail like a normal ex? Why did she want to do it face to face? Why did she ever want to see her face again? Nothing good ever came from looking at her face, and she would know, she was married to it.
Standing up tall, Rachel brushed down her skirt and jacket one last time before raising her hand to knock. Three quick raps on the wood and it would all be over, she could start to close that chapter on her life. But three quick knocks would bring her face to face with the very person she couldn’t look in the eye anymore. Just seeing her would hurt, she knew it. It would be like ripping a Band-Aid off, if said Band-Aid had been stapled to your skin.
This was so stupid.
Taking one last breath, she knocked, and then waited for the familiar sounds on the other side. A slow smile graced her lips as she heard the clicking of Murdo’s paws on the wooden floor as he came to investigate. Then there was the sound of footsteps making their way over, the jingling of the lock, and then the squeak as the door opened fully. It was all so familiar.
The face looking back at her, though, was not. Not in the least bit familiar.
A woman much taller than herself, despite that not being a particularly hard feat, with long blonde locks covering her shoulders stood before her. The tank top she was wearing was high on her stomach, revealing pale skin beneath, and the scoop in the front revealed no bra. This, matched with the cotton panties the woman was sporting, told Rachel she had clearly interrupted at a bad time.
“Oh,” Rachel said, unsure what to do. This was not what she was expecting. Was she even at the right apartment? She couldn’t be. No way.
The blonde’s blue eyes raked over her once, and then the she raised her eyebrows in question. “Can I help you?” she asked, sounding slightly aggrieved at the interruption. Rachel knew why, instantly, of course, and suddenly couldn’t fight the blush making her way over her cheeks.
This had to be the wrong apartment. Maybe she was in the wrong building as well. Or hell, even the wrong block! That must be it. She must be in the wrong city. No way was this her wife’s apartment.
As if just to kick her while she was down, those lazy hazel eyes of Murdo came into sight, his big bulky body trying to break past the blonde and give Rachel a proper greeting. Oh how she’d missed him! He looked good, if not a little more grey compared to the last time she’d seen him, but still.
Quick to cut off his escape, the blonde blocked Murdo and Rachel’s reunion, earning a whine from the dog and a pout from the brunette. The pout quickly dissolved into an angry frown however. Who was this woman and what right did she have to keep Rachel Berry from her very own dog?
“Yes, you can help me. You can let me greet my dog, thank you very much.”
“Your dog? What?” Frowning, the blonde patted Murdo on the head, getting him to sit at her feet and then shook her head. “You’re confused, Lady. This is my friend’s dog. And you’re kinda creeping me out, so could you maybe leave?”
“Absolutely not. This is my dog. I bought him when he was just a pup!” It hurt to see Murdo respond to some stranger like that. It had taken months to get Murdo to ever do that for her. He seemed to prefer ignoring Rachel completely and trampling her down than sitting nicely.
“He’s my dog, and you may have bought him but you did fuck all with him. That’s your M.O. though, isn’t it?” a new voice drawled, the slender and toned body coming into sight in the doorway. Dressed similarly to the blonde, in red cotton panties and a grey tank top, Santana Lopez stood with arms crossed over her chest and a pissed off expression on her face. It was enough to make Rachel sink backwards into the hallway further, putting more distance between herself and the trio opposite.
“Santana,” Rachel sighed, nostalgia washing over her. The time apart had been good to Santana, she noted, seeing the similarities to the woman she remembered, but also some key differences.
She hadn’t seen her in person for so long, and looking at her now was bittersweet.
“Britt-Britt, go back to bed, I’ll be with you in a minute,” Santana said, breaking eye-contact with Rachel. Her fingers grazed down the blonde’s arm sensually as she spoke, causing Rachel to look everywhere but at them. Separated they may be, but she could still recall a time when Santana looked at her that way, and it stung.
“Okay. Come on, Murder!” the blonde called, grabbing a ball off the side table and enticing him to follow her into the bedroom. His big lumbering body chased after her, almost knocking over the plant pot as he went.
Rachel watched them go, and then frowned. That wasn’t right. He was Murdo. She had named him. Santana had hated it, of course, but she hated everything back then, including Rachel. Hell, she had even joked about calling him Murder, but to hear that she’d actually done it. That just wasn’t on.
“Murder?! You named him Murder?! We agreed on Murdo, not Murder!”
“Did you really come here to yell at me for naming my dog?” Santana asked, unimpressed. Her scowl grew deeper, and the hallway seemed to get a little chillier.
“No, I came here to talk to you, actually.”
Rachel knew she had to quickly get to the point otherwise the door would be slammed in her face and her chance would be lost. She had a plan, she needed to stick to it. Having established that Santana was actually home and hadn’t already called the police on her ass or told her to fuck off, she could only guarantee another few minutes before either happened.
“God, that’s fucking rich. You always want to fucking talk, never fucking listen.” She was still angry, and still cursing, clearly in no mood to talk at all.
“Santana, I do-“ Rachel tried to say, disagreeing with her comment.
“You don’t!” As if realising that she had just yelled, Santana took a deep shaky breath and shook her head. “Don’t come back here. That’s what we agreed. You don’t come here. You don’t bother me. You don’t even fucking look at me. It’s not hard to understand, so what the fuck are you doing?”
“I want to put an end to this. We never…we never dealt with this properly, and I wanted to let you know that I want a divorce. But first, we need to agree a Separation Agreement, and have that in place. I thought it best to come to you in person about this, to give you this in person, as I didn’t want to surprise you with it when you received it through the mail. You can make amends to it and we can work on the most suitable separation agreement for the both of us, but I just need you to sign and I’ll never be in your life again. That would be it, and in a year’s time, I’ll file for a no-fault divorce and we can pretend like this never even happened,” Rachel finished, reaching into her bag and taking out the first draft of the agreement, holding it out, trying to get Santana to take them. If she could just get them in her hands then things would be on the right track. It would be a start.
Reluctantly, Santana took the carefully prepared manila folder and flicked it open to look at the pages within.
“I understand that you’ll need time to read through everything, and I’ll do my best to be patient, but if you can get them to sorted out sooner than later, there will be a generous lump sum for you.” At this, Santana cocked her eyebrow and sought out that exact page. “I know money cannot make up for my shortcomings in our marriage, but perhaps it can help. It just seemed like the right thing to do, to pay you back for all the times you-“
“Why?” Santana asked abruptly, cutting Rachel off. She definitely didn’t need to hear about what she’d put up with. She’d lived it, she didn’t need to relive it in the hallway of her apartment for all her neighbours to hear.
“Pardon?”
“Why are you wanting a divorce, why file for a separation agreement now?” There was suspicion in Santana’s voice as she spoke, and instantly Rachel was back on defence.
“Santana, we’ve been apart for six years-“ Surely that was reason alone for them to get this ball rolling. It was long overdue. It was seriously long overdue.
“Yeah, exactly. You had years to come to me about a separation agreement. Why are you wanting one right now?”
“I don’t understand what you’re-“
“You need me to sign these, why? What are you not telling me?” It felt irrational in Santana’s mind that they would stay married forever, or at least married on paper, but still. There was something wrong about all of this.
Rachel knew she couldn’t hide it much longer. It would only take a few well-placed guesses and then Santana would know. If the words didn’t leave her mouth, though, everything would blow up in a ball of flames. Santana had to hear it from her.
“I’m getting engaged,” she answered, watching the stoic expression remain unchanged. “I’m coming to you, begging you to start this process. I really don’t want to kick up a fuss and open the lid on our lives. The press have been wholly uninterested, but I fear if they catch the scent of me being married already they’ll be like sharks in a bloodbath. Please, let’s just get this over with.”
Santana thought it over, glancing down to the papers in her hand. There, on her ring finger still sat her wedding ring. A quick look at Rachel’s hands, carefully grasped nervously on her stomach, she saw she was without her rings. Of course she was, she hated them anyway.
“No,” she replied, shaking her head.
“No?” What did she mean no?
“No. I’m not doing this.”
“Santana, we’ve been separated for six years! Okay, maybe it wasn’t a legal separation but that still matters! I do not want the courts to divide up our lives and our assets, which is what will happen if we go any other route. Do you not understand that? I want to come to a fair agreement with you about that, not have it decided for us!”
“I don’t care, I’m not going along with this.” There it was, that stubborn tone, the one Rachel lost so many fights to. That’s how they ended up living in that very apartment. That’s how they ended up with a dog instead of a cat. That’s how they ended up where they were today.
“Why are you doing this?” Rachel asked incredulously, almost whining. She didn’t want to have to file a no-fault divorce. It might have been the better option, but it didn’t allow her proper control of her future, her life, than a separation agreement would. They would get to decide, officially, and it wouldn’t have meddling hands in the mix.
“I refuse to be swept under the rug like some piece of dirt. I’m not going to roll over and make this easy, because you certainly didn’t make anything easy for me. So if you really want a divorce, you’ll need to do better than this.” Pushing the folder back at her, Rachel could do nothing but take it.
“If I file for divorce and you contest it, it’ll be public knowledge! That’ll be blood in the water for the press-“ she began, only to be cut off.
“Yeah, but it’ll be my blood, won’t it?” Her voice was so full of misery, Rachel felt like her throat was closing up.
“Santana, I-“
“I’m not interested, you know my answer.” Slamming the door, Rachel was left speechless in the hallway.
God, the gall of her! Santana was only doing this because she knew Rachel would never want the world to know about them. She knew that Rachel would want to brush this under the rug as soon as possible. She knew that prying eyes and ears into their past wouldn’t do her any favours and therefore she would hold stop with the proceedings.
Outraged, Rachel knocked on the door several more times, trying to almost slam her fist through it. This was ridiculous. Santana was just being her usual pain in the ass self, out to hurt her in return for all the times Rachel screwed up. Though she wanted to do it on a public scale, and that was unacceptable.
The door flew open after a minute of incessant banging, and a murderous looking Santana stood on the other side.
“I already told you to stay the fuck aw-“
“What do you want?” Rachel cried, cutting her off. This was so much harder than it had to be and now she was irritated and losing patience. She had tried being nice, and that got her nowhere. “Seriously, Santana, what do you want? If today proves anything it’s that we can’t even hold a conversation without spitting venom at one another. Why do you even want to stay married to me?!”
“It’s not about staying married to you, because God only knows why I’d want that, but more to show you not everyone bows down the wonderful Rachel Berry,” Santana replied, sharp and full of sting.
“Why are you doing this?” The hurt in Rachel’s voice had Santana swallowing tensely. They had hurt each other enough, there wasn’t meant to be any more pain, but she just couldn’t, wouldn’t, give up without a fight. It was in her nature, that’s what she did, so why was Rachel surprised?
“Where’s your ring?” she asked, changing focus. Plus, she was wondering if Rachel had maybe thrown it away like she’d threatened that one time. She usually made good on her threats.
“What? What does that have to do with anything? It’s at home. Now please, Santana, let’s just keep this between us and our lawyers. I don’t want to make a big deal of it.” And that was the sentence that had her standing up tall again, building up her defences and ignoring the sting of Rachel’s words.
“Of course you don’t, because it never was a big deal to you. Christ, Rachel, you make it sound like one big misunderstanding, well it wasn’t. We got married. We vowed ‘till death do us part’ so until then, you’re stuck with me.”
Rachel went to argue back and then shut her mouth, frowning at the ground between them. It was maybe four feet, but it felt like the Atlantic ocean. Trying to cross it would get her drowned but she wanted to. She wanted to know the woman standing before her, the stranger. She was so familiar yet so different.
“You haven’t changed one bit,” she said, lying through her teeth, and she knew Santana was aware of that fact too. They both knew the other had changed, they both knew how and why and even when. Yet, it was all she could say. The girl she’d married wasn’t standing before her, instead it was the bitter and angry woman she’d walked away from, and she was still there, glaring angrily back now.
“Neither have you,” Santana said, shaking her head. They were done. No more. “Goodnight.”
Realistically, Santana knew that Rachel could still get a divorce easily. Within a few months it could be final, but it wouldn’t be private, and it would most likely rely on the courts to divide up the assets, which was exactly what Rachel didn’t want. However, it most likely would happen, and it was only a matter of time. Dropping back against the door, Santana knew she was running out of it.
Things were never meant to have gone this way.
Murder trotted out the bedroom and made his way over, sitting down at her feet. She ruffled his ears and sunk to his level, looking his straight in the eyes.
“Do you remember her? She used to live with us. You were only a puppy then, so you might not. She was the one who brought you home, back when she was nice. She used to be really nice…I was kind of in love with her, and so were you.” Santana shook her head, rolling her eyes at herself and rose to her feet. “I can’t believe I talk to you like you’ll respond one day. Seriously must be losing my mind.” With one last look at the front door, Santana headed back into the bedroom, Murder close on her heels.
On the other side of the door, Rachel could hear the mumbling of Santana’s voice, unable to make out the words, and then the clicking of Murdo’s paws across the floor as they moved further into the apartment. It was at this point that she knew it was over. There was no point trying again. She’d said her bit, and now she needed a new strategy.
Plan A had crashed and burned, much like her marriage, and now she needed to move onto Plan B, whatever that was.
Squaring herself up, she walked out the apartment looking a lot less disheartened than she was. The sting of Santana’s venom had not subsided yet, but it would, in time; the anger and hatred that she saw in those dark brown eyes would ease up in her mind, eventually; and the longing she felt to reconcile their difference so they could at least be friends would dissipate in the coming days.
If Rachel Berry knew anything, it was that time healed everything.
*0*0*