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WRONG LOVE

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WRONG LOVE
I opened my eyes
And asked my mom,
Who was sitting beside me:
"Where's Karry?"
Her eyes were red.
"I'm sorry, Roy, but Karry's in the emergency room now. He wanted to talk to you... but none of us could wake you up. Not even the doctors."
I blinked.
"Oh."
She quickly added in, "But that doesn't mean that he's dead! He still has a steady heartbeat, just that... he might never wake up. He's in a coma..."
She quickly added in, "But that doesn't mean that he's dead! He still has a steady heartbeat, just that... he might never wake up. He's in a coma..."
Remember that night, because it was all your fault.
That was what his mother said, anyway, before dragging Jackson away.
"It is all your fault my son is now in a coma."
Jackson's all your fault my son is now in a coma."
Jackson's eyes were frantic and confused. He didn't understand anything.
Lucky him.
I remember that night, because that's what she wants me to do. I remember, and wonder why Karry followed me.
-- I want to die :(
That was what I texted him, on the roof, when I stopped in the middle of my homework.
-- You wait for me, I want to see you die first. It's never nice to die alone.
He replied with that message, and I rolled my eyes at him.
"How do you want to die, Karry?"
We were together, sitting on the roof, looking down at all the grey, black, midnight blue or even yellow sometimes, cars and the lights from the buildings around us.
"Hmmmm... I want my death to be something big, then. Something really huge. There'll be helicopters and everything."
Karry was smiling.
"I don't know about that... Mine would be peaceful."
"What, in your house with your great-grandchildren, drinking a cup of tea, your wife beside you?"
He sounded like he was laughing, he sounded like he was mocking, he sounded like he was hurt.
I shrugged, watching a yellow taxi make its way up the road. "No, I meant peaceful as in at night. Maybe in my bed. Maybe jumping down a bridge."
"How in the world is jumping off a bridge peaceful? You need to get your mind checked." Karry said, laughing, and I laughed along with him too.
That night, I finished my homework and put Jackson to bed. He seemed to sense something, because he desperately didn't want to sleep, kept on whining at me "Why" and clinging to my school shirt.
Afterwards Karry came in to talk to his younger brother and I left, to change into a loose shirt and shorts.
I went to the bridge that night.
Sat on the railing.
Hoped the fans didn't notice me.
The metal was cold against my legs, and I looked down at the clear blue water that I was much too high above.
If my mother knew, she'd kill me, but I would already be dead.
I could feel a whoosh in the air, and I jumped.
Not long after my face made contact with the wind, I heard his voice.
Karry's voice, right in my ear, right beside me.
I wasn't alone, and I felt sick for feeling happy.
"You're so stupid, and I don't think I want to die big now."
We both hit the water. The thing was that he knew how to swim, and I didn't.
As the cold water sucked in my body, I remembered something:
If you try to drown yourself, it works, but not if you are a good swimmer, because the body will force you to swim to save your life.
I never expected me to wake up, and he to go into a coma.
I never knew how that got to be, only that my theory was that he didn't swim, and somehow I did, and sent myself to hospital.
Now I was alone, and Jackson didn't understand anything. He couldn't, because he didn't understand how we talk, how deep our relationship is dug down.
It was always better to be the dead and mourned rather than the live and forced to continue living or just take up swimming lessons.
Five years later, I had my memory wiped.
It was part of the Juntong Spy's punishment, and I was almost given a pardon because I was only 23, but I didn't want a pardon.
I wanted my life erased.
I didn't want him to continue living in my dreams.
I didn't want anything from him.
I threw away his old gifts.
His old songs, written on sheets of paper.
His old poems, for his English Mother Tongue class that he always failed in.
My family motto is to "reform and open up", and that means to heal after a break and open after a close.
Heal after a break.
How was I supposed to heal, tell me.
After my memory was erased...
I was called Roy, and I was a doctor. I had all the qualifications, and I was selected for Best Doctor in the Year last year. This year I am 23, and I live with my parents. I don't know anyone called Mrs Wang or Jackson.
That was what they told me, and I tried to convince them that I believed it.
I should have believed it, actually, or else they wouldn't have showed me Karry's picture.
"Who is this boy, Roy?"
Swallow.
"I don't know..."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I don't know him."
Yes, I don't know him.
I don't, I really don't.
"You're so stupid, and I don't think I want to die big now."
I cried, and it had nothing to do with the picture of Karry, because I knew they had cropped the picture, cropped me out.
I'm not a doctor, and I never was.
Three years later, I was 26, and RDboys disbanded. Zhihong and I tried to continue with everything, but it was getting a bit too much, without our leader leading us and helping us.
It was getting too much, and we quit.
Now, Zhihong and I live together.
We're close, too close for friends, so we pretend we're brothers.
Bros before hoes.
Haha.
Then one day, I was at the park, watching Zhihong's younger brother run in the park when I saw someone familiar.
He was awake, and no one told me.
Karry looked as happy as ever, and a girl was beside him, holding his hand.
Luo Meili, and I knew her.
I knew her, that was the most painful part.
Looking at them, I knew they were happy, at least for that short period of time. I knew Karry didn't remember me, which was relieving, because I didn't.
Meili looked in my direction, and I smiled at her.
She smiled back, waving. Karry looked over, and I nodded at him.
He nodded back at me, before continuing on a walk with Meili.
Those eyes...
It was as if he didn't even recognise me. As if I was a total stranger.
I waved at his retreating back, too tired to stop moving my hand. It was if my body was on autopilot. I walked back home, ate my dinner with Zhihong, watched TV and went to bed.
Under the covers I finally realised what my brain had been trying to digest.
He was with someone else, and he looked so happy. This was good, to him.
He didn't remember me, and so he didn't remember what happened last night. This was good, to him.
And finally...
No one told me he was awake, not my mother, not his mother, not the doctors, not the hospital.
No one to blame except me, because I stopped going to check on him.
I stopped, completely.
That was good, because he was alright, and for him, everything was okay.

26 year old Roy Wang was found missing from his home at around 1.30 in the morning, and dead when a passerby spotted his body floating in the stream near the house he shared with Zhihong at about 5.30 a.m.
It is believed that Mr Wang had a nervous breakdown and jumped to his death from the bridge over the river. A passerby called the police once he spotted a body in the river, although he wasn't too sure it was a body or a large tree branch of sorts.
His family declined to speak to the press.
His morgue will be held at the void deck below his household, and all family members and close friends are invited to attend.