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We're Superheroes

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Detective Elliot Stabler stood gazing down at the body, his finger to his pursed lips, when his partner Detective Olivia Benson walked in.

"Is that..."

"It looks like it."

"But how can it..."

"I have no idea."

"It's not..."

"No, I already checked. It's real."

"Elliot, it's a fish."

"It is."

"It's a man with a fish for a head."

"I noticed that."

"And he's wearing leather chaps."

"I noticed that too."

"He also seems dead."

"Yep. Call came in that there was a disturbance at an underground sex party. The place emptied out before we got here, so no witnesses. We found this...him...I guess...dead on the couch."

Suddenly there was a commotion in the hall outside of the apartment in which they were standing. A man was pushing his way through a horde of cops and investigative techs.

"Stand aside! Torchwood coming through! That's right, Torchwood! The secret, covert, secretly secret group that everyone has heard of is now on the case! Behold, Torchwood!"

A man with a dark blue aviator's coat stepped into the apartment, followed by a smartly dressed man who had impeccable taste for matching fuchsia shirts with pinstriped suits.

"Everyone stand back," cried the man in the coat, "Torchwood is here!"

"Torchwood," mumbled Elliot. "I've heard that name before..."

Olivia squinted. "Who are you?"

"I'm Captain Jack Harkness: gadabout, rogue, silver-tongued devil, pilot, researcher, Who-Hand Keeper, Time Agent, former con man, lover, fighter, immortal, leader, and pansexual action hero!"

Olivia squinted again, this time at the smartly-dressed man. "And who are you?"

"Ianto."

"What's a Who-Hand?" asked Elliot, confused.

Jack's eyes lit up at the corpse on the couch. "Yep, it's a blowfish all right." He tweaked the creature's protruding fins. "Always succumbing to Earth's pleasures, these guys. The sex club is a new thing though."

"They like to explore the carnal delights of this world as well, I suppose," commented Ianto.

Jack raised an eyebrow at his companion. "A creature after my own heart."

"Uh..." said Elliot, "are you saying that this thing's a..."

"A horny bastard, yep," nodded Jack.

"No, I meant..."

"He should've called you for advice," smirked Ianto.

"I meant is this thing a frickin' alien?"

"Uh-huh," answered Jack and Ianto together.

"Aliens are real?" Olivia asked, her voice filled with wonder.

"I'm surprised you haven't seen more. This is New York City, after all," Ianto said.

"And who the hell are you guys?" Elliot asked.

Jack waved his hand. "We're superheroes." He nodded at Ianto, who surreptitiously dropped Retcon into two cups of coffee.

"Here you are, detectives," said Ianto brightly. "We can take it from here."

Elliot and Olivia were handed two paper cups and herded to the side.

"Mm, good coffee," said Olivia, sipping carefully.

"You should see what Ianto can do with a coffee bean," Jack replied, smiling as Elliot drank his coffee as well.

"And you should see what I could do with a pair of chaps like those," Ianto replied.

Jack grinned seductively. "We'll get them in red to match your cap, I think."

"Wait a minute," said Elliot, "what about all this..."

They were interrupted by a tech standing outside the apartment door. "Detectives, there's a Dr. Harper downstairs who says he's from the medical examiner's office and will be taking the body. Oh, and hey," the tech said, motioning to Ianto, "thanks for the coffee."

"You're quite welcome," Ianto answered.

"Well, that's good enough for me," Olivia said on her way out.

"Yeah, but..." Elliot started, scowling.

"Detective," said Jack, "it's New York City. You've seen much stranger things, and in, oh, about an hour or so, you probably won't remember this at all."

"Probably at about half-past," Ianto said. "The coffee was nice and strong."

"Yeah, you're probably right. I have to get back to the squad anyway. Thanks for your help."

"Any time," Jack said, waving goodbye at him.

The man in the coat and the smartly-dressed man stood there for a moment, and then rushed out of the room.

"Red, huh?"

"You always said it was my color..."