One of these days, Mordecai is going to learn to leave well enough alone.
Today is definitely not that day.
Jaynestown seemed like his kind of backwoods town, people beat down just right to take him for a prophet and to let him scam their sorry asses out of every last dime the councilor had let them keep. He'd felt bad for about three seconds, and then he'd felt justified because really, if they weren't going to fight back, then who was he to stand in their way as they marched ever downwards? After closin' up the Vault he'd had pretty much enough self-sacrificing nonsense for one fuckin' lifetime, thankyouverymuch.
So really, fuck Mal Reynolds and his stupid fuckin' ship, and especially, Lord, please smite Jayne Cobb right now.
He doesn't think Jayne remembers him, but he sure as shit remembers Jayne. Must've been 10 years ago or more, 'cause he was 17 when Jayne ruined everythin' at the Interplanetary Sharpshooter competition. Yeah, using a pistol might technically have been unfair, but what the freak, because Jayne had to stop cuddling with his ridiculous shotgun - he called it Veronica or Violet or some stupid shit like that - so he could cozy up to the judges and complain! Jayne Cobb cost him 50,000 credits and his reputation that day, and Mordecai'd never forgot it. Since then he'd been out roamin' the 'verse for guns, girls, and money, and so far he'd spent most of his time murdering his way towards the Vault. What did that get him? No cash, no glory, just some crazy alien tryin' to eat his face, and he'd had to split all the glorious guns he'd found along the way with three other nutjobs.
There's only one bar in this godforsaken shithole town that the mudders go to, and when Jayne shows up all righteous and muscle-y, his cachet as a leader among the downtrodden lasted about 0.03 seconds - basically long enough for Lilith to slide off his arm and go rub strategically against that crazy bastard as he downs yet another pint of mudder's milk. Well, if Mordecai learned one thing during his time in the Borderlands, it was to press an advantage until said advantage punched him in the face. So frankly, he doesn't feel like that much of a sleaze as he helpfully pulls down Lilith's top - if you could call that ridiculous corset she wears a top, and he wouldn't - a little as she leans over the bar to order another drink for the hero of the hour. Jayne notices, of course, although he's so drunk that he focuses on the cleavage rather than the pent-up crazy and the very sharp knife she has strapped to the small of her back. Too bad for him. Jayne'll get drunk and run off with Lilith for a little fun, and Mordecai can spend a little time making up ridiculous lies about how Jayne enjoys sexual congress with animals and spreading them around the settlement before he drops a strategically placed hint to a guard about how the hero of Jaynestown is back to rob the boss blind again. It'll make him feel better.
Less than an hour later, Lilith's managed to drag Jayne upstairs, and Mordecai is face first in the lap of some poor girl he tripped over on the way to the head. He doesn't feel like getting up, mostly because his legs won't cooperate. He's not the only one - the girl's got some stuck up fella drooling on her shoulder and she looks pretty damn long-suffering. She's in the middle of some drunken soliloquoy about how she doesn't need some nice words or respect, and some times she just wants to be kissed. Mordecai feels her. Or, he would feel her, but he can't feel much of anything right now. He decides to stay in her lap for a little while.
And then - he feels the familiar sparking rush of Lilith's phasewalk, and she comes bursting downstairs whooping like a skag. He knows he's the only one who can see her right now, so it must look awful weird to see the skinny drunk guy bein' dragged outta the bar by an invisible force. If he had the energy he'd probably struggle out of her freakishly strong grip long enough to give the girl that kiss - he starts to pull away, and then stops dead - in Lilith's other hand is Jayne's stupid fuckin' prize shotgun. Mordecai sobers up long enough to collect his jaw from the floor, and starts running with her instead of just stumblin' alongside.
Lilith stole Vera, and if he knows her well - and he does - the merc's still chained to the bed upstairs.
As soon as Jayne's gotten himself loose they better be off-planet, and the bigger the head start, the better. Mordecai might be able to shoot the eyes out of a man's head from 500 yards, but he wouldn't bet on hisself in an up close and personal fight with Jayne. He might be scrawny, but he ain't stupid. After all, he doesn't walk around town with a machete strapped to his thigh just because it makes him look cool (it does, by the way).
They make it off planet in record time, and if he does a little dance in the hold and snuggles Vera a little - well, Lilith's not telling.