"What's your fucking problem?"
It's bad enough that Jean is stuck in the middle of a fucking rainstorm, under the unsteady shelter of a fucking tiny army-issue tent, in close quarters with Eren Fucking Jaeger.
That Eren also would fucking dare to toss and turn like he's on fucking fire, so much that the entire tent shakes and keeps Jean awake, too, when Jean is fucking exhausted from today's survival training and probably on the verge of getting pneumonia with all the fucking rainwater that fell on him, that is a fucking load of bullshit and Jean won't fucking stand for it. Fuck.
"I can't sleep, alright?"
"Yeah, well, can't you at least stay still?"
"No? I just..."
There's a short silence, during which Jean suspects Eren is trying hard to keep himself still.
"...hey, Jean..." he says, after a while, when Jean was already kind of dozing off.
Jean holds back the long series of swear words that was erupting naturally from the deepest of his heart only because Eren sounds different from his usual arrogant dipshit self - he's unsure, embarrassed even. Awkward.
Jean can understand awkward, so he doesn't twist the knife.
"Make it short, Eren," he says instead.
"Could you...could you please go...take a walk?"
Eren is wincing, fully expecting to be punched for the suggestion.
And Jean is thinking that he should be, truly. But Jean is a fucking saint, or maybe he's just really fucking tired, so he doesn't even dignify that with an answer. He just lets a particularly strong bout of thunder from outside, mixed with howling wind, answer for him.
"But at least could you...I don't know...plug your ears or..."
Eren is actually sounding kind of desperate, and as much as Jean dislikes him, he can't really allow a fellow trainee to get desperate on his watch. That just wouldn't become a top ten soldier, future member of the Military Police, after all. Plus he'd never hear the end of it if Marco found out.
He sighs and rolls to look at Eren, even if in the dark he can only barely make out his outline in the sleeping bag.
"Look. I don't particularly care about turning this survival training into even more of a torture than what it is already, and I bet neither do you. So let's call a truce. For the time being, we're...friends, I guess. If you have a problem you can't solve by yourself, you should tell me. So I can...help."
"Like this you're just being an asshole, you know. I mean, I thought you were all over training and becoming a better soldier," he adds, taken by sudden inspiration, "and a good soldier trusts his comrades, isn't it?"
Eren waits a long moment, and Jean can feel his eyes evaluating him even in the dark - but he knows he's got him, and in fact:
"Alright," he says, "but you have to promise me, like, swear me on all that you hold sacred and holy, that you're never ever mentioning this to anybody."
Eren slides his hand towards him, almost invisible in the dark, and Jean catches it - it's warm and slightly sweaty and squeezes Jean's hard as Eren repeats, "Swear! Not a peep, not even to Marco!"
"I...alright, since it's so fucking important apparently, I swear again."
"Not ever? Not even to Marco? Not even if Shadis orders you to tell him the truth or do laps forever?"
"Not ever, I swear, alright?"
"You swore three times," Eren says, and squeezes Jean's hand again before letting go.
"Sure I did, you crazy person. So, what the hell is going on?" Then, Jean sounds like sudden understanding dawned on him. "You killed somebody and need help hiding the corpse. Fuck, Eren, I was sure you would snap, sooner or later, but..."
"Who is it? Is it Ymir? I knew somebody was going to off Ymir before training was over."
"Why would I - okay, I can think of lots of reasons, but I wouldn't...aaaah, fuck it."
There's a short silence, during which Jean has the horrible sensation at the pit of his stomach that he gets when somebody around him is gathering the courage to ask him something. Jean hates that, because when people do that it's always something unpleasant but that is also so heavy that Jean can't really refuse even if he really, really doesn't want to do it. So he hopes the sensation is wrong.
But it's not, that's what Eren is doing.
See, Eren has a problem.
And it's an embarrassing one.
Most physical exertion is okay by Eren. Running laps? Sure. 3DMG control and equilibrium? Working on it. Taking a beating? Bring it on.
But there's a particular, let's say, facet of physicality he isn't good at dealing with. And that facet is, to put it in layman's terms, his dick.
It's a normal, unremarkable dick in all of its aspects - except that it is apparently just as stubborn as its owner, and whenever it pokes its head up, it is really, really hard to convince it to give up on the idea.
Or, to put it even more bluntly, Eren has troubles getting rid of his boners.
Before, he used to go run laps until it just went away. Only lately he's started to get rid of it in the, you know, nice way, because this winter was really too cold to go run every other night - but he kind of wishes he could go back to the running thing because the other way isn't really...working out. He's beginning to think Jean was always right when he said that Eren has something wrong in the head, because he really doesn't know of any other kid making such a big deal out of it, and this probably means that it's Eren, he's the one who's broken. But he has nobody to talk to, and now Jean is going to hear about it and he's going to be cruel about it and Eren should have just asked Armin when he got the chance, fuck.
Eren takes a deep breath, and when he talks again it comes out muffled because he's hiding his face in his pillow, and all in one breath, but he makes sure it's still loud and clear enough to reach Jean, even with the howling wind, because he'd go crazy if he has to ask that twice.
He closes his eyes. Here it goes. Brace for impact.
"Could you please help me jerk off?"
And Jean was right, Eren needs hel...p...with...
"I'm...I...don't make me repeat it!"
"No, I'm afraid you will have to repeat yourself because I am reasonably sure I didn't hear you right the first time."
"You did hear me right!"
"You sure? Because I could swear you asked me help with...you know...t-the. That."
"Yeah, I know, it's like, it's, embarrassing. I'm sorry."
And Eren is genuinely sorry for involving Jean in this horrible affair and hopes this comes across but he's panicking a little bit really and can't think of anything but ask for his help and it's all so absurd, what the everloving fuck.
Well, at least Jean doesn't sound any smoother while discussing this kind of stuff. So at least they're on the same level.
There's a brief silence, and Eren is fully expecting that the next words out of Jean's mouth will be of disgust and mockery.
And that's actually Jean's first instinct - but Eren sounds like he's panicky and on the verge of tears and this means that if he's an asshole to Eren he could react in one of two possible ways:
One, Eren gets angry, which is his default for when things start to go out of his control, and starts a fight, and Jean is tired and they might end up destroying the tent and having to sleep under the rain and fuck that shit.
Two, Eren really actually cries. Jean really, really, doesn't want Eren to cry, because if Eren starts crying then there's a more than zero chance that Jean will start crying too (he's just built like that, alright, he's sensitive and his mum says that's okay so fuck you) and that, that would be the worst, like, the only way to save themselves from the embarrassment of that situation would be a suicide pact.
So being an asshole would be trouble. But Jean isn't very good with not being an asshole, so he tries to imagine what Marco would do. Marco is the best with that stuff, he's like, the king of never being an asshole even to people who are really asking for it. And Marco always tells him to put himself in the other person's shoes before making a mean comment, and Jean tries to imagine himself in Eren's shoes, and all he can think of is that in Eren's shoes he would need a really, really, really, really, really good reason to ask that.
And so he says: "But. Why do you need...you know...me? Like, if you get a...a...b-boner, I guess, you could just, you know..."
Jean makes a gesture, then realizes that Eren wouldn't be able to see it in the dark. Goddammit, this might be just the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to Jean. And of course, all it takes is the mention of sex to turn Jean into a stuttering mess. Of course. Why is he so fucking awkward?
"...like, you know...w-wank? Like, grab your...thing and, you know that's a thing, right?"
Because seriously, seeing how focused on Titan killing Eren is, it's possible that he just doesn't know.
"I-I know! I know, it's just..."
Eren is trying to sound offended by the implication that he wouldn't know how to wank, except he's beginning to suspect he actually kind of doesn't, given the situation, so he doesn't sound offended at all, more like desperate.
"I wouldn't care!"
Jean rushes to reassure him, even through his embarrassment, because the thought of Eren bursting into tears despite Jean's non-assholery is completely unbearable. Like, what the fuck would he do then? Just go ahead with his side of the suicide pact, probably.
"We sleep in the same barracks, alright? The other boys, even me, we all...It can't be the first time you - I'll just...ignore you. Hell, if you could keep still I would just go to sleep and then you..."
"I can't...finish. It's like, I'm really hard and all, but it just...I can't get off."
This time, and to Jean's honor, his first reaction is of honest empathy. Because Jean can actually imagine how that would feel, immediately and very precisely, and it's really something.
"I...what? Like, it's...hard, but...you can't? That sounds...ugly."
And Eren feels an immense relief flooding him, like, it's such a beautiful sensation, he could kiss Jean. For real. Tongues and everything. Like, he was already considering the idea, since he's basically asking him to - fuck, can't even say it, but it's the first time the idea comes equipped with pleasant warm undertones of actually liking Jean.
"It-it happens sometimes. I think it's because I get shy and can't get off so if I'm alone it's alright, but here, here I can't. Be alone. And I just - it's like I'm. Stuck."
And when he does manage to get off, it takes a lot more time than what he thinks it should take, and it's never as nice as the other boys say, like, it feels good, but, not amazing - it kind of hurts sometimes even - so yeah, there's the distinct possibility he's doing it wrong, but who should he ask?
"...wait for it to go away?"
"I tried! I tried to wait it off and tried to think of sad and gross stuff to make it go away but I just made myself feel sad and gross and it's starting to feel really weird and I just..."
And it also doesn't help that Jean's smell is everywhere in the tent and he's close enough he can feel his body heat and Jean is kind of the reason behind the problem in the first place and how the fuck did it happen, he doesn't even like him, except he kind of does, but he'll just, he'll cut out this part for now.
"Okay, okay, don't be...like that, alright? Calm down. Deep breaths. Shit. Look. For how long have you been, you know..."
Jean actually not being an idiot might be making things worse - if Jean had been an idiot about it Eren could have just beaten the fuck out of him and pretend it never happened, but like this, this is a real thing that is happening, and he...Eren sobs again.
"...it was just after dinner, when you...came inside the tent..."
"That was at least one hour ago!"
"I know, right? This is not right, I'm so...it's...weird, I'm worried, what if I'm sick or..."
"No no no no, none of that, alright? You're not sick. You're just...very horny..."
"I, Jean, I, you can insult me as much as you want later, but, please, I'm at the end of my wits and are you...going to?"
This takes a very long moment to process. A lot of things do this evening, and Jean is beginning to wonder if it is that he's spent too much time with Eren (stupidity is contagious, apparently) or if it's just that the situation makes no goddamn sense at all.
"Okay, look. Help me understand here. You can't sleep because you're way too horny."
"And you can't get off on your own, so you're asking me to...like, sneak in your sleeping bag and grab your..."
"Yes! Yes, alright? I'm desperate. It's the only thing I can think of that could help."
On one hand (ah-ah, hilarious puns), in fifteen years of lifetime, this is the craziest shit Jean has ever heard, and it goes against everything that Jean believes. Well, one thing that Jean believes (that Eren Jaeger can go fuck himself), but it's a very important thing.
On the other hand, a friend in need is a friend indeed, and under all the insults he likes to think he's friends with Eren - and even if they aren't, what kind of good comrade would leave his fellow soldier with an aching boner. And Eren did sound kind of very scared there, like, he probably really does need some help. Fuck.
Jean tries to imagine himself in Eren's position again. An one hour long boner you can't get rid of while laying across your archenemy...it...would be kind of disturbing, yeah.
And this means he actually...will...go..through with this shit. He's going to go ahead and touch Eren's dick.
Fuck, not being an asshole sucks, why is Marco always smiling?
"Alright, I'll...do it. But you swear you don't say it to anybody either, alright? Like I don't, you don't."
"I swear," Eren says, breathing a sigh of relief, and then immediately starting to stutter and get embarrassed again when Jean slides out of his sleeping bag and quickly makes his way to Eren's.
"Let me in, idiot, it's freezing out here!"
"Here, here, alright, calm down!"
"No, I'm not calming down, I'm...wow, it's...really warm in here, you....you give off heat like a chimney, are you feverish?"
"No, I'm...always like...this..."
Eren's voice trails off, because Jean slid inside his sleeping bag, his limbs long and somewhat fresh on Eren's skin (and Eren was prepared for this) and then pressed his lips to Eren's forehead to test his fever (and Eren wasn't prepared for that. At all).
"Mmmh, you seem sort of hot, but...are you sure this is normal for you? I m-mean, I don't want to catch my death or..."
"Yes. Normal. I promise."
"Alright. Let's...could you maybe...roll on the other side? I-I guess, it would be easier if I could pretend it's me, like, just doing things to myself, and if you're facing my same direction..."
"Ah! Ah, okay, no problem...like this?"
Eren rolls, and they adjust quickly, Jean's chest to Eren's back. Jean is trying to keep his crotch from grinding into Eren's ass, and so is Eren, but it's hard in the cramped space of the sleeping bag.
Then, Jean's hand presses on Eren's belly and it's kind of fresh still but warming up quickly, and then it slides down to palm at erection in Eren's underwear and.
"Aah-aaah, Jean! Warn me before..."
"Sorry. Wow, you are still really hard..."
"Yes, I - I...oh..."
"Alright. I'm pulling it out, okay? And then I'll start."
Jean pulls Eren's erection out of the confines of his underwear, then removes his hand and brings it to his own mouth.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Licking my hand so it's slippery. You don't do it?"
"No, it's gross!"
"It's not gross! It feels better. Gonna...grab it now, eh, Eren?"
"Yes, alright, even if it's...oooooh....your hand is..." Eren was trying to say 'cold' or 'gross', but it's a fresh, nice kind of cold, and Jean was apparently right about the slippery, and his fingers are long and wrap around him with a delicate hold, and what comes out of his mouth is "good...so fucking good..." because that's the truth.
Eren's dick is...well, it's a dick. It's warm and hard in that particular way, and it feels full and hot and wet on the very tip, and, Jean doesn't have many means of comparison, but it doesn't feel...unpleasant.
He has seen Eren's dick - he has seen everybody's dick, they spend a lot of time together in the barracks, they even shower together sometimes, when they're in a rush and there aren't enough stalls - he knows it's slightly bigger than one would expect, maybe, just looking at Eren, but average size - but it feels somehow much bigger in his hand, heavy and thick, and Jean doesn't know if it's because it actually grows or if it's just the wow my hand is on Eren's cock factor.
Thing is, he's got it, but it's not like he knows what to do with it. He tries to remember how does he do it to himself. He delicately pulls off the foreskin, with his fingers forming an O, and then starts pumping up and down, base to top, and he's going slow because he doesn't want to scare Eren.
But Eren doesn't sound very scared - he moans, and then tries to stutter something coherent, probably to cover up the moan, but instead ends up trailing off into soft panting.
Jean keeps on talking, just because it would feel weird to do this in silence - well, weirder.
"See? It makes it better. It's more like a real, you know...girls get wet..."
And then he's panting too a little because Eren is liking the slow burn a little bit more than expected, and has completely forgotten they're supposed to keep their hips far - he's in fact grinding against him, and moaning, very loudly, before suddenly remembering himself and pressing a hand to his mouth, and Jean is somewhat pissed about this.
His ass stays pressed on Jean's crotch, though, and Jean is kind of forgetting on purpose to push himself away because Eren's butt is kind of soft and firm at the same time and kind of. Interesting-feeling.
"Who are you thinking of?" Jean asks, just to force Eren to make conversation and uncover his mouth.
"What...do you mean?"
Eren is so breathless, and Jean has barely started - he hopes he won't get punched too hard tomorrow because he knows already he will have to be very smug about it. Except he will be too embarrassed to talk about it tomorrow. But he will feel very smug and it will show on his face and Eren will punch it.
"Right now, to get off, are you thinking of somebody?"
"Er, I...no-one...I...aaaaah, Jean..."
"What got you so worked up anyway? I mean, around here there's just mud, rain, and..."
And this is when the implication of what Eren said earlier finally hits Jean - it was when you came inside the tent - and it's so shocking that his hand on Eren slows to a stop.
"...Me. You're...so horny...over me."
He's fully expecting Eren to deny, but instead what he gets is a "I know, I'm, I'm sorry?"
"Look, it was the rain, alright? Your clothes were all wet and your hair was also wet and your skin too and also do you know that you've got very pretty legs, Jean, the uniform was all clingy so I noticed them and then you took your trousers off..."
Eren is again sounding like he fully expects to be punched - Jean should punch him, honestly, but, he's way too fucking embarrassed to do anything but breath quietly in and out.
And flattered, maybe, too, the tiniest bit. But mostly embarrassed.
"I like legs. It's...not really something I can he-eeee..."
Jean started moving again, slow like before, and suddenly doesn't trust himself to talk as much.
Eren is feeling very talkative, instead (reassured by the fact that Jean is reacting much better than expected to everything, relieved, and also kind of...smitten with how good Jean feels compared to his own hand, like, how, why, who cares, please don't stop...) and his voice has gone all high-pitched and breathy and kinda sexy if Jean is entirely honest with himself.
"Ah, Jean...little bit...harder, please..."
Jean obeys, dumbfounded - squeezes a little bit tighter and pulls a little bit harder, carefully because he doesn't want to hurt Eren, except Eren reacts by squirming against him and, well.
"Jean, ah...please...a moment..."
He's being so nice, Jean, tonight, maybe if Eren asks for the the other thing, he won't...react too badly?
Eren puts his hand over Jean's to stop him for a moment. He swivels on his waist, so that he's on his back, and his body is even further pressed into Jean's, which is good because Eren feels very very nice but also bad because Jean is kind of getting a boner from how damn nice Eren feels and getting a boner while wanking Eren off would be the only thing Jean could think of that could be marginally more embarrassing than just plain wanking Eren off.
"Have you...done this before?"
"No, I..." Jean sighs. "Like, once or twice, but he did most of the work, I just kept my hand in a fist and...I..messed up, didn't I? I'm sorry."
"No, no!" Eren is quickly to reassure him, earnest as usual, his voice still doing the sexy thing. "You're...you're good. Fuck. Better than my hand."
Well, that's like, the bare minimum of sexual compliments. Not that Jean cares about what Eren thinks of his sexual prowess or feels disappointed over failing to impress. Because he doesn't. This is just help to get Eren off so they can go to sleep and don't feel too groggy tomorrow.
"But...I know I'm asking, like, a lot, but could you possibly..." his voice goes very tiny at this, squeaky even. "...kiss me?"
Jean squeaks, too, which is a pity because he won't get to mock Eren about squeaking later.
"I know, it's stupid, forget about it, but it's weird to have somebody touch me like this without even, you know, kissing before, and I always imagined the first person who ever, ah, did this with me would also be my first kiss and I-"
Jean interrupts him by pressing his lips to his, because Eren sounded like he was making his dumbass sad puppy eyes and Jean hates Eren's dumbass sad puppy eyes.
It's not much of a kiss, really - he clashes against Eren's teeth because Eren was talking, and then Eren shuts his mouth in surprise with a little noise - but their lips are pressed together now, so it does count as Eren's first kiss - not Jean's, though, and Jean is suddenly feeling a bit guilty because Jean knows it can be better than this, and Eren doesn't, and now Eren would go around thinking this is okay kissing when it actually sucks.
Fuck it. If something is worth doing, it's worth doing right.
"Wait, let me just..."
He pulls back and sneaks his other arm between Eren's neck and the pillow, rising on his elbow, and tangles their legs together - since Eren likes his legs, he'll like the reminder they exist - and then Eren seems to get the picture because he puts one arm around Jean's neck so now they're half-hugging and their faces are better aligned.
Then, Jean licks his lips and presses a tiny kiss to Eren's face, on the first spot he reaches - the corner of his nose - and it makes Eren chuckle a little, before he finds his mouth.
He keeps the kiss close-mouthed, just soft pressure of lips on lips, and moves slowly, and Eren seems frozen for a long moment but then angles his head right and starts moving his own lips in counterpoint. Jean's hand tightens around Eren's erection almost on its own, then, and restarts moving slowly, and Eren moans loudly and his hold on Jean's neck becomes more firm and Eren might or might not be swooning because he knows he doesn't have means of comparison but he feels like Jean is a pretty good kisser, like, the kiss before was obviously clumsy but this one feels very nice and it's like, so weird to think this of Jean but at the same time wow, alright, more.
Jean pulls back a little, enough to talk, but he can still feel his lips moving and his breath mingling with his own. Jean's other hand cards through Eren's hair, tugs softly, and fuck, Eren is astonished. Like, Jean is being legit sexy, what with the closeness and the gentle kissing and touching and all, and it's, it's kind of working - Eren caught himself wondering if Jean and Marco are together or if Jean is still crushing on Mikasa and if there's a way to ask Jean out that won't result in getting punched - and that is just absurd.
"Yes - just...right...a bit, ah, faster..."
Eren is squirming against him so nicely, that Jean can't help but want to make it better, use a little bit more finesse - he's not like, an expert, but at least he can try doing things he himself likes. He rubs his thumb along the shaft, then on his tip, right where he feels the precome leaking - that's one of his favorite things, teasing his own tip, but it makes Eren jump and let out a pained noise.
"N-aaah! Fuck! It hurts!"
"Sorry. You're so sensitive..."
Eren examines Jean's tone for any trace of mockery - but there's only short breaths and this tone of, awe, like he's surprised Eren is so sensitive but also kind of likes it.
"Is the rest okay?"
"Yeah, it's...good...it's...aaaah, yes!"
Jean found a spot a little bit under the tip that makes Eren do another kind of noises, and is now rubbing it with his thumb, and Eren's reaction is to clumsily press his lips to his again.
Then, Eren's mouth opens in a moan, and Jean slides his tongue in his mouth a little, and that becomes a whole another thing too - Eren wasn't expecting Jean to even say yes to the wanking, but now he's making out with him, like, full-on tongue and Jean probably thinks Eren is a loser who kisses horribly but then again, it was him who took it to the next step and now they're kissing properly and why does Jean taste so fucking good and why is his hand so amazing and his fucking fingers and his palm and he will never be able to sit next to Jean at lesson again because he'll keep on staring at his hand on the pen and think of his hand on his dick and Jean is rubbing little circles and lines all around the spot that makes Eren do the noises and Eren is seeing stars, fuck, he didn't even know his dick could feel like this!
After being desperate for so long, Eren is almost sad that it will end so soon - but he won't last long and fuck.
"Is this alright?" Jean asks after a particularly loud moan.
"Yes, yes! Yes, please keep going, kiss me more...I'm so fucking close, ahhh...You're so good at this..."
Eren sounds surprised - Jean would be offended, except he's kind of surprised himself.
Jean is naturally proficient at many things - the 3DMG, cooking omelettes, sewing, pissing off people - and he's usually proud of them all, but he never, ever once in his life imagined that 'getting Eren off' could enter the list. Well, Eren sounds like he has only himself and his right hand as a frame of reference, but then again, he seems like he's, well, he's...
Eren's mouth, his soft lips, his taste, his sensitive, hard dick, his little jerks, his squirming, his ass, his hot skin, the noises he's making - the long fucking list of things that Jean knows that he should find gross but instead sort of make him want to die - Eren is just. Sensual, he thinks that's the word. Eren Jaeger is sensual. And sexy. Fuck. How did it get to the point that his mind could formulate such a thought?
His hips jerk forward in a sudden movement when Eren gets the idea to start sucking on his tongue - and Eren makes a little noise and disentangles from the kiss, letting out an airy, surprised chuckle without trace of malice.
"Jean is hard."
"Who are you telling it to? And it's your fault, you keep on rubbing your ass right there and also you're making slutty noises and, and, it's your fault."
Jean sounds angry, but he hasn't pulled back his face nor his hand has stopped so Eren thinks he's just being grumpy because Jean and not for any real reason.
"Nnnh, I...aaah, I mean, I could..."
But Jean interrupts whatever it was that Eren was trying to say by kissing him again and changing the position of his hand, fisting around his dick to circle at the base and pull up hard - the way he himself likes to do when he's close, only he's putting too much strength into it for Eren, because he whines in the not nice way - he really is sensitive, and delicate, and cute, and a lot of other things that Eren Jaeger really shouldn't be, and his hold gets a little bit kinder for him, his touch a little lighter, his rhythm a little quicker, until Eren is making the other kind of noises in the kiss, louder and louder and faster and faster.
And then the first hot spurt of come hits Jean's fist and Eren is having the strongest orgasm of his short orgasm-having career right then and there, falling from a height he didn't even know it was possible to reach, and he has Jean's name on his lips as he does. It lasts long, it's kind of earth-shattering, so much that even Jean feels the aftershocks, the way Eren is shaking in his arms like one of the trees in the tempest outside.
It's weird, to sudden remember the tempest - to suddenly realize that no, the world hasn't actually narrowed down to the tiny sleeping bag in which he just jerked off his worst enemy, that tomorrow they will have to wake up and look each other in the face, that Shadis will expect them to be fresh even if they've spent half the night like this, that this will make things so awkward with Marco and Mikasa, that his hand feels sticky and uncomfortable and he doesn't know where to wipe it, that his dick is hard but he can't ask Eren to return the favor because that would be too much like admitting how much he liked this, that this was a bad idea, a horrible idea, a why-the-fuck-would-you-go-along-with-that-Kirstein idea.
Jean is having a hard time finding his voice, the right thing to say to Eren, and he's kind of hoping Eren will have a moment of non-stupid and say the thing himself, and what do you know, Eren does. Sorta.
He starts snoring.
Jean pokes at him a little, not quite believing it - but nah, out like a light.
"You...you...you...you...fucker," Jean whispers, and then gets pissed off at how he still sounds so lovestruck despite the gritted teeth.
He considers the idea of getting off by rubbing against a sleeping Eren or waking him up to demand attention, but in the end, he decides for the least pathetic possibility. He wipes his hand on Eren's shirt with vicious glee, disentangles from Eren and his sleeping bag with as much kindness as he can muster (which is not much, but Eren is truly sleeping the sleep of the righteous, the asshole) and rolls himself to his sleeping bag, where he fishes out a handkerchief and angrily jerks off to thoughts of absolutely not Eren.
And when the next morning he wakes up to Eren sneaking in his own sleeping bag, blushing and stuttering something stupid about returning favors and morning wood and Jean sure is an asshole leaving him alone to freeze, Jean doesn't fucking allow any of that shit to cloud his judgment. Even as he lets himself be pinned down by those huge green-blue eyes and that dumb innocent smile, even as they trade insults for kisses, he doesn't feel like, relieved, or happy.
He's just doing all this to help a fellow comrade. That is all. And if maybe he ends up getting off in Eren's clumsy hand, if maybe they end up getting behind on schedule because they can't stop making out like it's going out of fashion, then, well, it's nobody's business, alright.