Summary: AU, for Threads except it's more SGA than SGC. The first part is from Samantha Carter's POV. Danvers wrote me Dark!Wes!Rodney and Mensa!Shep, and then mentioned a Moebius AU, and I thought, hey! I totally want to do that! So this is for Danvers because I agree, where there is a Rodney, there should be a Shep. [There is a Carson and a Zelenka too.]
Notes: All of the Jump to the Left 'verse as one long story for archive purposes.
general_jinjur runs the podfic archive for fandom and put up the podfics for me: glitterandlube podfics So, if you were looking for anything, try there as well as here! Thanks!
Mr. Fantastic and Einstein's Wife
Sam jumps as Rodney grabs her ass, and she hears a voice behind her call out, "You're going to get sued McKay."
Rodney starts laughing, and she turns to see a really hot guy with wire rim glasses and messy hair come up and poke Rodney in the side.
"Don't mind him, he's always like this. He grabbed my ass three times this week."
"Yes, Sheppard, if only you'd date me, I'd be a changed man." Rodney rolls his eyes at John's grin, and smacks his hand away.
"I keep telling you Rodney, I don't date outside my species."
Rodney narrows his eyes, and starts twitching, "You're not an Ancient you big ass. How many times do I have to tell you that?"
"A million more times than you have already told me, apparently, Mr. Fantastic."
Rodney absently runs his hand over his t-shirt and frowns. "Whatever, Einstein's Wife, don't you have my work to do?"
At Sam's confused look, John explains, "I have the gene – stronger than anyone else here. Well, maybe not that bizarre guy you brought in that was on that tape. The one that looks like he takes Hemingway too seriously? Carson won't tell me for certain. Oh! I forgot to introduce myself; I'm John Sheppard, PhD in applied math, and geometry, Fields Medal winner, all around awesome human being. I do the proofs for Rodney's more theoretical work that he doesn't have time for, so I'm Einstein's Wife. It's how I explain my hair."
They shake hands, and she opens her mouth to ask more about what's going on, maybe this guy will tell her a little bit more, but they are dragged away by someone speaking something that sounds Russian. Maybe, she's not sure, Daniel would probably know, but if anyone has Einstein's hair, it's that guy.
She works with both of them a lot more that week, watching John bent over his notebook, and Rodney flailing in front of the endless whiteboards. Rodney yells at everyone around him, and hits on half the women. They all seem to ignore him; there are no new people here. One of the female Marines explains that the new ones all go over to Area 51 to get harassed into shape before Rodney is unleashed on their poor hapless souls. Rodney walks past them as the woman is explaining this, and he pulls her red hair in revenge.
Sam notices the scientists all seem to be ranked by some unclear system. Certain ones, Dr. Lee, Dr. Felger, Dr. Kavanagh, are forbidden to even enter the main lab under threat of death and banishment. [She thinks someone needs to explain to everyone here that D&D isn't real.] They are all forced to work on side projects in the smaller labs. She tries to talk to them, but she is leaps and bounds ahead of Dr. Lee, and can't help wondering why he has been here the whole time, and she was stuck being a researcher for an asshole. It's a mean thought, but she is tired of men who think they are better than her because they have a dick.
She thinks Rodney is only vaguely tolerable because he seems to think he is better than everyone. Kavanagh doesn't even look at her. She drifts back to the room holding the gate ship to get away from Felger's tentative hello. He seems nice enough, but he is staring at her in a way that makes her slightly uncomfortable. She can't pull her sweater any tighter around her. She gets to the ship in time to see John emerge from the back of it and sigh. She watches as he almost caresses the gate ship as he walks away from it.
She raises her eyebrows at Rodney, who is inside the back of the ship, pulling out crystals. Rodney frowns at John's retreating back. "He's upset you guys are going to take it. In another life he was apparently the world's most amazing pilot, but in this one he was in a car accident when he was younger, and it messed up his eyes." Rodney gestures towards his own glasses-less face, "So you know, no flying, but I let him hover the ship around and he lights up like it's Christmas and his birthday at once." Rodney turns back to the crystals, and she watches his fingers dance over the edges.
It takes her a week to figure out that they are best friends, always in each other's orbits; circling in the pattern of binary stars. They just argue constantly – about books, and math, and Star Trek. Right now, Sam hears,
"City on the Edge of Forever."
"Trouble with Tribbles."
"Oh god, just shut up, it's not my fault, I'm Kirk and you're Sulu or something."
Everyone in the room laughs at that, even the Japanese woman Sam has never even seen speak. John scoffs, "Please, you want to be Kirk, you big loser, I've always been Spock. I even have the ears."
Rodney glares at the side of John's face and kicks his chair. Daniel interrupts them to say something about languages, and everyone is pulled back to the meeting. Sam watches them out of the corner of her eye; they bicker and poke at each other whole time. She stays to speak with two of the other scientists about the Ancient equipment in time to hear Rodney and John fighting over exactly how gay John really is, and whether it's actually measurable by science. John frowns, "Just because you like women doesn't make you superior."
Rodney raises his finger, "Ah! But can you actually prove that?"
Sam laughs as John starts smacking Rodney with one of the large five subject notebooks he carries with him everywhere. She doesn't say anything else because she has seen Rodney in the hallway earlier screaming at the top of his lungs at some hapless Marine who called John a fag. John had backed off, and started to stutter and Rodney had whipped his head around, opened his mouth, and made the kid cry. She'd never actually seen a Marine cry before; she feels a small kind of glee inside at the thought of her dad being reduced to tears by a scientist.
Later, when Rodney is pointing out various parts to her on the gateship, John is in the background muttering, "Stupid name. Gateship, ha." Rodney stops naming things to snap, "What's that, minion? The head scientist can't quite hear you over here." John tries to step on his foot, and ends up shoving Rodney into Sam. John's eyes widen and he starts to apologize profusely as Rodney rolls his eyes and starts to tuck his necklace back inside his shirt. Sam looks over; it's a small strangely shaped pendant that makes John's eyes soften when he looks at it. She asks Rodney about it, but he blushes and won't explain it.
She asks John later and he pulls a matching one out from under his shirt and shows her.
"We got them when we were eleven. Rodney carved our initials in the back of them. It's kind of dorky, but you know, neither of us were ever really into the whole spit in your hand, share blood thing. It's supposed to ward off evil eye. Rodney's grandmother was really bizarre." He turns it over for Sam to look at the back, and she frowns as she sees the letters M.R.M. on the back of the metal circle.
"Wait, I thought you said you have each other's initials on these."
"We do. See, Rodney's real name is. . ." but John can't finish because Rodney sprints from the doorway and tackles John out of the chair before he can say anything else. John is fighting back, but Rodney's hand is firmly over John's mouth, and he's straddling him to hold him down. John starts licking Rodney's hand, and Rodney pulls it off with a noise of disgust. "Oh god, I've got your saliva on me now. I'm probably going to turn gay." He starts wiping his hand on John's shirt as John giggles. Rodney smacks John's stomach to get him to stop, so John counters by grabbing Rodney's hand and sucking on one of his fingers.
Rodney turns really red, but he doesn't move off John, or even flinch. John starts laughing for real now, and Sam stares because it's kind of a horrible sound coming out of such a pretty man. Rodney just pats John's stomach to calm down and has a resigned look on his face. Sam wonders how long it will take for John to get his way.
It only takes a month actually. John comes over one Saturday to find Rodney drunk and morose on the couch, with empty beer cans all over the floor. He kicks them out of the way and slumps down next to Rodney.
"What's wrong, buddy?" He starts patting Rodney's shoulder and looking concerned.
"You still have your dual citizenship right?"
"Yeah, of course I still have it, why? Do you need to leave? Did something happen? Is Jeannie okay?"
Rodney waves him off. "I think we should get married."
John stops looking concerned, and there is a lot of yelling for a while. Rodney's head hurts, but in the end he gets John saying yes, and kissing him softly. Then a little less softly, and okay, the gay sex goes better than Rodney thought it would. The next morning, John is smugly making pancakes in Rodney's kitchen as Cat twines around his legs. [Rodney tries to remain stoic about the fact that they already have a child together.] He leans against the counter and watches John move around the stove, dropping batter and humming.
John finally looks over at him, and smiles. "Hey, want some?"
Rodney laughs and ducks his head. He definitely does want more than some, but he stays there with his arms folded against his chest. John gestures with the spatula, flinging uncooked batter on the wall and shrugs, "It's okay, Rodney, I needed a new toaster anyway." Rodney's shoulders shake as he starts to laugh, and he fumbles across the room to bury his face in John's neck. He smells familiar, and safe, and a little bit like Rodney. It's strange to think his whole life was headed here.
John and Rodney meet when they are eleven, which anyone will tell you is the perfect age to pick the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. They bond over stupid school bullies, and overbearing parents. Rodney's dad wants he and his sister to be world famous by the time they are fifteen. John's dad wants him to become a general when he's like 25 or something.
John really wants to fly, he has all these model planes hanging from the ceiling, but he tells Rodney he was in an accident that screwed up his eyesight, so he can't. Pilots need perfect sight to shoot people out of the sky or something. Although, it kind of makes him like Cyclops, so he's trying to cope. Tragically, they won't let him wear rose tinted sunglasses in class. Rodney sympathizes, he just had a retarded teacher ruin his whole life, and now he never wants to see a piano again. John pats his hand and gives him an Oreo.
It is surprisingly easy to buy Rodney's life-long affection and devotion. When John looks back on it, he wishes he would have given him the whole bag. Rodney tells him he wishes that as well. They page through this album John's mom sent down as John's 35th birthday present. He doesn't even remember what his mom looks like without a camera in front of her face. Her pictures span through his memories, a neatly arranged row of time spent in joy and pain.
It was John's idea to build the nuclear bomb. Rodney was pacing his room, cursing everyone and everything on the entire planet.
"Look! This is all stupid! It has to be bigger! I'm a million times smarter than all these morons! I don't want to just show them up! I want to make them cry at their mediocrity."
John looks at him over the top of the comic, "I really wish my mom hadn't given you that word of the day calendar. Look, if you want to do something really cool, just build a bomb."
"I can't build a bomb. I'll get kicked out of school. Oh, I see, this is a plan to get me out of the way so you can be the smartest person there." Rodney narrows his eyes.
John snorts, "Oh yeah, because being more intelligent than a bunch of morons is certainly a huge compliment. The bomb doesn't have to work, Rodney, just build an inert one."
"What's the point of that? Anyone can build a bomb that doesn't work."
"Well, can anyone build a nuclear bomb that doesn't work?" John turns the comic around, and they both look at the mushroom cloud penciled in colorful grays and reds. Rodney's eyes widen. Finally, a chance to really show off, he grabs the comic out of John's hand and shoves it in his bag.
"Come on, we have to go to the library right now."
John grins up at him, excitedly, "Really? We're really going to build a giant bomb?"
Rodney, "Yes. Now get your bag, come on! We only have two months left."
When they are done, they circle the warhead, and knock on the metal, it clangs gorgeously.
"It's too bad we can't test it."
"Yeah, but where are we going to steal uranium from?"
Rodney looks glum. "It should work though, and that's all that counts."
John nods. This is going to be the best science fair ever.
Later, when they are separated and interrogated by the CIA, it seems a little less like a good idea. Rodney spends the whole time bitching about his blood sugar, and John is pissed because his puppy eyes have no effect on their people. What are they robots? Those eyes even work on Rodney, and he doesn't even have a soul! The CIA agents are really startled when one of the kids knocks on his arm, frowns, and asks, "Polymer?"
High school is really awkward for both of them; they skip several grades, and end up small and vulnerable in a sea of hormones and idiots. They are both so far ahead of everyone else, it's a joke, and even the teachers can't keep up with Rodney. John decides to have some issues of his own.
"What do you mean, you like guys?"
"I just, you know, the porn we're stealing isn't doing it for me, Rodney."
Rodney flails, "It's like my whole life is a lie."
John stares up at him. "No, it's like my whole lie is a lie, Rodney." John's face is stony as he pulls at Rodney's bedspread on his annoying twin bed.
Rodney sits down heavily, "I like girls, that's okay with you right?"
John stares at him, "How do you make everything about you? Is it talent or some kind of crappy learned behavior?"
Rodney shrugs, "I think it's genetic." They both pause to think of Rodney's father, a man who makes his co-workers cry for fun, and they both nod. Totally genetic. John crawls over and puts his head on Rodney's shoulder. "Don't get weird okay? I need you." He buries his face in Rodney's neck and starts sniffing. Rodney wraps an arm around John, as he says, "Oh god, you big baby." They stay like that for a long time.
The only other time Rodney sees John cry after that involves a man named Matthew, and one named Paul. Rodney blows that fucker's car up so efficiently, the police find the steering wheel embedded in the front door of the guy's apartment. He was really careful, and no one can actually pin it on him, although everyone knows it was him. Everyone keeps a respectable distance from both of them after that, even the campus security. After McGill, where Rodney gets a degree in Physics and John gets one in math, they separate, which is horrible and life wrenching.
Rodney goes to Northeastern, and John goes to Princeton. They both learn to steal phone lines, and use little blue boxes to have constant phone calls. They spend their summer vacations doing internships and working. They come home at the same time, and sleep in the same bed. It's awful, but they both advance so fast in their respective fields, even Rodney's dad eases up with his greatness talks. John's dad calls once a month to tell his son how proud he is of him, although there is always a pause where he would ask if John is seeing anyone. John always frowns at the phone after they hung up. He is so glad his mother held her ground and stayed in Canada when John's father got relocated part the 1500th. He doesn't want to think of what kind of person he would be if he had spent high school in Oklahoma.
They both finally, finally end up together in Cal-Tech. It's like every MENSA meeting Rodney made John go to times a billion. But! John meets gay geeks and wow, that is like heaven only with pocket protectors lined with pens that have four different colored inks in them. Rodney is alone most of the time, he's not smooth. He hits on women via a blunt, vaguely caveman method that makes John giggle and point.
They get really drunk when Rodney finally does manage to score. Rodney ends up falling asleep in John's bed, not the girl's. John tells him way too much about his own love life while Rodney yells and covers his ears. Rodney is King Nerd by time they are both done with their second PhDs. All the rest of the guys hang on his every word, and the CIA is practically offering them real live slaves to get them to work for them. [Rodney suggests it at the recruitment drive, but John smacks him up with a clipboard. The CIA agent doesn't exactly say no. They both stare.]
When they get married, it's a big, huge embarrassing mess. John's mom keeps crying and snapping pictures until Rodney is blinded by the flash and sprains his ankle. John starts crying when they say their vows and Rodney almost trips again trying to get him to stop. Two people almost die at the reception, but for once, those two people aren't John or Rodney. Sam is sitting next to Miko, that turns out to be the name of the Japanese woman who never talks. She tells Sam a story about why new people really aren't allowed to come to the SGC without a breaking-in period. A few years ago, some kid came in straight out of his PhD program and didn't listen to Dr. Zelenka [the guy with the Einstein hair] when he said, don't touch that, don't do this.
John almost died pushing Rodney and Miko out of the way when something exploded. Rodney spent the ten hours John was in surgery sitting on the floor outside the door of the room crying and screaming at everyone around him. When the kid came to try to apologize, they had to hold Rodney against the wall while he almost had a heart attack. When John got better, he and Rodney locked themselves into a room and wrote a whole list of rules for new personnel. It was five pages and included, 'you have to not be a dumbass' in 25 point Verdana font underlined as number one.
untitled snippet [the honeymoon]
Rodney is in the line to hell. It's endless, and he can see sulfur pouring from the giant cave like opening. John keeps claiming it's Space Mountain, but Rodney is already naming it 'the place I threw up no. 5890' in his head.
Rodney tugs on John's arm sharply, "God, you owe me so much sex for this. So much. More than you will ever be able to actually perform, your jaw might fall off."
John looks insulted, "Of course, why would you think otherwise? I only exist to be your unholy sex toy." He smacks Rodney's head down to look over the sea of horrified children gaping in their direction.
"BLOWJOBS! BLOWJOBS KIDS! THIS MAN GIVES ME LOTS OF THEM! LOOK IT UP ON THE INTERNET! THEY ARE TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME!"
And that is why they are banned for life from Disneyland. Rodney thinks it was totally worth it to see some little fucker snottily inform Rodney he already gave blowjobs, while the kid's mother fainted on the sidewalk.
John accidently set fire to the ball of twine. Rodney isn't even allowed to say the word twine in front of him. He keeps trying to explain to John, that this kind of thing is why he married him, but John gets this sad look, and pretends to cry on Rodney's favorite t-shirt.
The aircraft carrier goes okay at first, it's big, it blows shit up, what's not to love? Also, it's not moving so Rodney can't fake seasickness. It all goes horribly wrong when John locks himself in a tiny metal room with two really hot navy crewmen. Rodney has to make a blowtorch out of spare parts laying around.
By the time he gets it open, John is against the wall, and one of the guys has his hands down his pants. John seems to be pushing the guy's hands away, but is really kind of helping the guy unbutton his fly. Rodney makes him sleep on the couch for a week. He MAKES sure he gets hotel rooms that have them.
John pouts a lot, and mutters behind Rodney's back. It's not his fault he always gets stuck with a bunch of incredibly hot men in strange situations. It's not like he plans it.
They get kicked out of a hotel they aren't even staying in for having sex in the pool. It's kind of funny marching past a room full of screaming drunk sorority girls. Or so John keeps telling Rodney as Rodney is flinging his shoes at John's retarded head.
They finally go to the Bahamas like Rodney wanted all along, and he stops sabotaging the trip. Although he does make John wear nothing but a sarong and fetch him Margaritas. John passes out while dumping a drink on a Cabana boy for making a pass at Rodney.
John loses his glasses in a waterfall, and Rodney tells him he loves him behind the water as it refracts all around them. It's actually one of their better trips, no one went to the hospital.
Next Verse, Same as the First
Wayyyy back in the past:
The day after Rodney turns 30, John tells him that he will marry John by the time he is 40, or John will kill him. Rodney tries to argue, but it turns out he got really drunk the night before and John tricked him into signing some sort of blood oath. He takes it to a lawyer, who pretty much laughs him out of the office. In a huff, Rodney vows not to marry John until he is 39 and 18/19ths, but he screws up and somehow finds his dick in John's mouth five years too early.
Before the Current Era:
John is tearing out pages in his notebook when Rodney hurries over, and shoves a flier into his hand.
"I need you to go to a strip club with me."
"Come on. Strip clubs are awesome."
"Male strip clubs are awesome. Are we going to a male strip club?"
"Well, if by male, you mean, for men, then yes, we are going to a male strip club."
"Rodney, I don't want to see naked women up close period, much less pay for it."
"I can't go by myself, only losers go to strip clubs by themselves. And shut up in advance."
John grins. "Go with someone else."
"I don't have any other friends. Every time I try, you get all needy and emotional."
"Right. You have no other friends because I am co-dependent. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you're a giant asshole."
"Exactly, so as it's completely your fault, you have to go to the strip club with me."
John bites his lip. "Okay, I'll go with you to see the nudity and boobs if you come to a gay bar with me."
"What? No. Why the hell would I want to go to a gay bar? No."
"Okay, no naked ladies for you then." John turns back to his notebook.
"Oh, goddammit. Fine. God. I will go to a gay bar. One."
John looks up and smiles sunnily. Rodney swears a lot more. Of course when they do to the club, John charms all the women, and makes Rodney over-tip them. He gamely accepts a lap dance from a stripper named Virginnia, where in they have the following conversation:
John points. "Don't they hurt your back? I mean, [hand gesture] all that extra weight?" The stripper kind of laughs and moves into his face, and he backs off into thin air, and almost flips them over. She glances over at Rodney, who has his face in his hands. She tries to take off John's glasses, and they have a brief discussion about how John should wear contacts. [I can't, it sucks] and how much she likes his hair. [Thanks. It's natural.] Eventually after the fifth watered down beer, Rodney makes them leave in total disgust. [How do you ruin a strip club? HOW?]
John shrugs, "Time for the bar!"
"I am not going to the bar now. I was just with lots of lovely naked women, and I'm going home for some personal time."
"Why can't you say the word masturbation? It's not a bad word. See. . .master-bation, say it with me."
"Oh god, it's just, my mom and the talk about, can we never ever have this discussion again."
"That thing with the garden hose and the. . .oh, jesus, never mind. Personal time is fine. The bar is that way."
"We're not going to the bar."
"We are going to the bar; we are going right this fucking minute." John stares at Rodney.
Rodney fidgets, he hates that tone of voice; it's the 'accept your doom' voice.
"I hate you and I'm having you killed."
John shrugs, "Your call, but then you won't be winning the 1,000,000 dollars when we solve the Yang-Mills thing."
"Come on – it won't be that bad. Hell, you aren't even attractive enough to get anyone's attention in this place. So you don't even have to worry."
"WHAT? Excuse me, I'll have you know I can get lots of ass. Anywhere I go."
"If you say so."
"I am not fucking some stupid guy just to prove to you I can."
"I wasn't saying you should, the only guy I think you should be fucking is me."
Rodney looks at John, who smiles good-naturedly. Rodney looks away, "Which way is the bar?"
John sticks his tongue out at Rodney. When they get to the bar, John immediately takes his glasses off, muttering about Dorothy Parker and promptly walks into a wall. Rodney is torn between laughter and just leaving right then, but John might have a concussion and he needs John's brain to solve his wormhole theory.
"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SUCK SO MUCH JOHN SHEPPARD?"
When Sam is around:
The first Ancient device they find lights up in John's hands, and the entire lab gathers around, excited and eager. It dies off after the device does absolutely nothing. No matter what they try, new power source, dismantling it, shining it "accidently" in Kavanagh's eye, the device only lights up and blinks. Radek starts to speculate about a flashlight, while Rodney is heartbroken.
Finally when John and Rodney sit down to watch Real Genius for the 52nd time, John opens up a bag of microwave popcorn and shines the device into the bag. [Of course they took it home. Yes, they share an apartment. It's a long story. It involves sea mammals.] It produces a perfect bag that John happily holds out to Rodney. Rodney's scream of horror is heard by the entire floor. To this day, the device hangs in plastic on their wall with a sign that says: "There are no higher beings."
Rodney tells this story to Sam in a way that involves tears, and recriminations, and a long tirade about how he had hoped for a lightsaber. John makes popcorn, and pats Rodney's hand a lot. Sam has pretty much never laughed this much in her whole life. It would be depressing if she wasn't so happy here.
John refuses to let Rodney fuck him. The argument is bitter and long, with the entire lab eventually taking sides. [Mostly John's but strangely Miko agrees with Rodney.]
"I'm not that kind of girl."
"You are TOO that kind of girl. Last year's Christmas card was a picture of you being that kind of girl."
"Oh my god. The look on your face when you opened that. Jesus."
"Yes, it was completely worth the part where I almost had a heart attack."
"It really was." John has a dreamy look on his face.
"Jackass. Anyway, we're going to have some sex now, because I really want to fuck you."
"Nope. Not until the wedding."
Rodney tries to reason with him, "John, that is retarded. Now get on your back and. . ."
John shakes his head, "After the wedding you can have as much as you want, but not until then."
"I want that in writing."
John grabs one of his notebooks:
John always wakes up at nine am. It doesn't matter what he does the night before, how late he goes to bed, or what time zone he is in. As soon as a clock says nine am, he is awake. Rodney's grandmother told him it was a curse on his family name. He kind of believes her. He generally takes a shower first thing, and jerks off, because he hates showering so it's like a reward system. Shower = orgasm. Of course, it does mean he has had some unfortunate reactions to water in his life, but whatever.
He usually wakes Rodney up at ten, only now that they are hitched and such, he wakes him up with a blowjob. The process goes a lot smoother. Afterwards, when John is lying on a smug Rodney, molesting whatever parts he can reach, Rodney sighs, and says, "You know all that time you spent trying to get me to run off with you? You really should have just said, Rodney, I'll suck your dick every morning and I would have said yes a long time ago." The rest of the morning finds John trying to smother Rodney with all three pillows on the bed.
Rodney wanders into work, smiling, and drinking coffee so strong, it is legally classified as a schedule II drug. He waves at Radek, who stares in awe, and proclaims, "The Anti-Christ has been mellowed by a mere mortal. Wondrous events shall come to pass!" John yells from behind Rodney, "Radek, shut the fuck up, it took forever to get him like this. My jaw still hurts."
Radek snickers as Rodney scowls at him, "You are like a little evil gnome, you know that, don't you? At least you didn't burn down the lab while I was gone."
"I think that to be more luck than skill. How was your honeymoon? Did John finally put out properly?"
"He did, it was excellent. As for the trip, we're now banned from Disneyland for life, John set fire to the giant ball of twine in Iowa, or where ever the fuck that was, and the police there thought it was some sort of Canadian terrorist attack. We almost ended up in jail. Also, John looks really fucking hot in a sarong."
"I have not had the pleasure of seeing such a thing."
"I'll make him wear one tomorrow."
Rodney pours some of his super-secret coffee into Radek's cup, as Radek gapes and crosses himself. They spend the rest of the day trying to calculate how many of Felger's action figures they can melt before he snaps and kills them all. After much discussion, the agreed number is one. Sam ends up being the one to do it, and then she has to dress like a nun for the next week to make up for it. Rodney cracks Dewey Decimal jokes until Simpson smacks him in the ass with a lab stool. Every night Rodney goes home with John, and they get into a brand new King size bed, and everything settles around them into perfect stationary orbit.
* John does wear the sarong, it's very garish, and he pairs it with the ugliest shirt ever. He still looks hot. He and Rodney maybe have sex in one of the closets.
Jump to the Left
Mileva Maric Einstein
Rodney stared at the lab in horror. Half the place was in flames, and in the middle of all the chaos stood Jeremy Kavanaugh, the scourge of Rodney's very existence! This was why the man was not allowed in the main lab, Rodney would never win a Nobel Prize [okay, three Nobel Prizes, but he was willing to share one with John] at this rate. Just as he leveled his finger, and his piercing blue eyes stared out coldly, John woke him up, staring in horror.
"You know the fact that you yell at people in your sleep is disturbing on so many levels."
"Oh, shut up, you probably dream about giving the Chippendales all lap dances."
"Wow, I dream about performing sex acts with attractive people. I'm such an unholy freak."
"I saw what you did to Henderson and Merrick at the last Christmas party. I believe freak would apply. Also, possibly unnatural. Why haven't you done that to me yet?"
"You actually need two other people."
"So if I say, invited Samantha Carter over for dinner. . ."
"Do you want a divorce after a whole two months of marriage?"
". . .no, probably not."
"Oh, I'm sorry, did you forget you were marrying me?"
"Yes. It must have been that alcoholic phase I went through."
"Went through? Wouldn't that imply it stopped at some point?"
"I'm not the one that wanted an apartment with a bar in it."
"I wanted to impress the ladies, sadly I should have planned further ahead."
"It makes a nice desk though."
"I suppose. Did I insult you too much to get a morning blow job?"
"Yeah, kind of. I'm willing to go for hand jobs in the shower though."
They drove to work in Rodney's Volvo. John hated the car with an undying passion, but it was safe, blah blah. Anyway, it still had the rainbow bear John had put on the bumper one day to piss Rodney off so he tolerated it. [I don't understand, are there gay bears? Yes, actually. Do I want this explained to me? Probably not, Rodney.]
John hummed along with the radio, and looked out the window thinking about the time a giant leather-man had seen the sticker on the sad excuse for a car [in John's opinion], and came over to put his arm around Rodney. The poor guy had jumped like three feet in the air, and locked himself in the car refusing the come out. John had laughed helplessly on the ground for a half hour. Rodney still didn't take off the sticker though, and that told John all he needed to know about where Rodney stood. A few days after that, Rodney had come home all excited because some jackasses had yelled 'fag' out the window at him. John didn't think it was that hilarious, until Rodney mentioned he had written down their license plate and hacked into the DMV to give them 15 outstanding parking tickets and strongly implied there should be a warrant.
John had squirmed all over Rodney until he started yelling, but Rodney was smiling like crazy, so John knew he was pleased. They stayed on the couch, eating Thai food, and drinking beer while Rodney heckled the people on a rerun of Win Ben Stein's Money. John fell asleep with his head on Rodney's shoulder and felt the same kind of calm he used to feel one of his mom's friends used to take him up in a helicopter and John could look out all the windows and realize he was in this one enclosed space separate from the whole world. John had made Rodney go up with him a bunch of times, each time with Rodney yelling and having to be dragged. He just wanted Rodney to feel what he felt, but he could never quite get him there.
After the fifth time, Rodney stopped being so damn afraid though, and stared mapping out the flight patterns of the birds, talking in numbers and symbols, drawing them in the air with his fingers. The pilot had turned around and stared at Rodney, then stared at John when he answered Rodney back. When they landed, the guy, James, had ruffled John's hair, and laughed.
"Your mom has quite a handful with you two, huh?"
John had frowned and looked uncertainly at Rodney, who was still looking up at the sky, and calculating flocks. "He's kind of excitable, I guess. She doesn't seem to mind." John wasn't comfortable around people who didn't seem to get the same enjoyment out of Rodney he did. John wasn't comfortable around a lot of people actually. Sometimes it was startling to look around, and realize they even existed. The man had laughed again, "I don't mean anything bad by it, son. Just my boys talk about baseball and sports, not how air flow affects flight patterns.
"Oh. Well, baseball is math too. I'll explain it to you the next time I see you."
"You do that, son. I'm not sure I'll pick it up the way you two seem too."
John nodded, and waved good-bye as Rodney spotted his mom, and dragged him off. James had gotten called away to some kind of war after that, and John had never seen him again. His mom had told him in hushed tones that she was very sorry, and tried to arrange someone else to take John up. He wasn't really interested anymore, the experience was kind of ruined. John switched to planes after that, and Rodney avoided anything other than calculating the vectors for flight.
Mathematicians do it in Chains
John stretches out on the floor, silently communicating with their neighbor's two year old. He slowly creeps his right hand over towards the boy, making him giggle and grab at the roaming hand.
Rodney comes through the door dropping three bags, and a bunch of other crap on the floor. Per usual he makes enough noises for three people, the interruption makes Sagar shriek and John smile. The boy pokes at John's face in revenge.
Rodney walks into the living room, calling out, "Hey, can we get Thai, I've had a bizarre craving for 'OH MY GOD,' what the hell is that thing doing in my house?"
John rolls over and stares up at Rodney in dismay, "He is not a thing. He's cute and his name is Sagar. You'll hurt his feelings."
Rodney frowns "Sagar? What the hell kind of name is that?"
"Like you have any right to talk about inappropriate names. . ."
"Yes, yes, Shut up. Anyway, those things don't have feelings. They exist to smell funny and throw up on expensive equipment."
"Do you even remember being a child?"
"No. I have been fully grown my entire life."
John rolls his eyes. "Yes, our earlier years were clearly just a long hallucination. I remember now."
John whispers to the boy, "He's crazy, you just ignore that."
"Hey! I'm still right here." Rodney says feelingly, "So where did you get him? When is he being returned?"
"He's not. I bought him today at the World Market."
"You can't do something like that. Surely this country, backwards as it may be, has some kind of laws against that."
"Sure I can. It was real easy. Only 25,000 dollars."
"That's not funny."
"It so seriously is." John and Sagar laugh at the look on Rodney's face. Sagar waves his little hands in the air.
"John, we got the damn cat when you wanted it, we're not getting a baby."
"You love the cat."
Rodney narrows his eyes, and glares down at John's pouting, "No. Babies."
Rodney steps on John's ankle as he walks past, moving over the squirming kid. "Ow." John leans down into Sagar's smiling face and starts to tickle him. "He'll let me have one."
"I heard that! I will not!"
"You suck Rodney!"
"Not as much as I will suck if I come home and you've adopted a kid."
"Fine." John walks into the bedroom and smiles at Rodney while Sagar clings to his hoodie.
"Eww, he's drooling on your shirt kind of thing." Rodney waves in a fashion that means 'something with a hood' in a form of sign language. Canadian sign language.
John snorts, "As opposed to what you do?"
"I don't drool on you."
"Oh, you do so."
"You understand the two year old is more mature than you?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of your biological clock."
"Later when they find your mostly dead body in the alley, I want you to know that you deserve all of it."
"Hey, he's smiling at me."
"Of course he is, Rodney."
"So where did he come from?"
"Well, about three years ago, a man and a woman had sex and he was conceived. Six months as a gay man and you forget everything, honestly, Rodney. "
"We have new neighbors. Some hot chick, and her huge husband, I mean huge." John gestures upwards with his free hand.
"Huge package too?"
"I wasn't looking," John widens his eyes, "but he has to be like 6'4" or something, completely hulking." John looks confused, "Is that an actual word or did I just make it up?"
"It's a real word. The neighbors just kind of dumped their kid on some random guy? Are these more hippies? I thought I told you no more hippies."
"By new, I meant they've been here for four months, you're just socially retarded so I don't take you around to meet people."
"I don't know whether to be insulted or grateful."
"Also, seeing as how I have no control on who moves into the apartment building. . ."
"You always act like I'm being unreasonable."
"Rodney. It stopped being cute when you were 12, seriously. Sagar and I need a nap."
"Who talked your mother into staying in a foreign country when you were 13 because you hated your dad and didn't want to leave with him?"
"Who got me and Jeannie to cross dress on Halloween when I was fifteen?"
"Also me. Ahahaha. That was so awesome."
"No, it really wasn't. Who convinced the entire local hockey team to. . ."
"Okay. Fine, I get it. I have magic powers and will use them to make sure you get your way forever and ever."
"That's better. He's still smiling at me. Do you think he wants to eat me?"
John holds the boy out to Rodney, "ATTACK!" Rodney jumps back and yells, while the kid grabs at his hair and laughs.
"He's pretty easy going, he probably doesn't want to eat you."
"John, don't turn around, but there is a caveman coming through the door. Get behind me."
"Aww, Rodney. That's sweet. That's just Sagar's dad."
Rodney mock-whispers, "Is his hair supposed to look like that?"
John whispers back, "This is why you don't meet people." Then louder he intones, "The child is fine, and returned in the condition he was found in."
Ronon smiles and swings his son around, making him shriek with joy. "Thanks. See you later." They both wave as they walk out the front door.
Rodney blinks, "So caveman has a child? Does he have a clubbed wife somewhere?"
"I wouldn't say that about Teyla, she could definitely kick your ass."
"Want to go running with me later?"
"Stop touching me you freak."
"You smell good, like mechanical pencils and brilliance."
"If I beat you at Warcrack again, can I get a blowjob?"
"You can get whatever you want Rodney. If you don't cheat."
"I wasn't cheating."
"Sure, you weren't."
"I just used one code that you totally could have used, it's not my fault you didn't use it."
"Fine. No codes, you lose, I get to fuck you."
"You think you're going to lose if you don't cheat?"
"I don't lose! But STILL NO! I didn't realize you were a sadist."
"Well, you can just declare a forfeit now and get on your back."
"Can I be tied to the headboard?"
"Fine. Thai later though."
John drags Rodney into the bedroom while Rodney babbles about knots.
The Spawn of Satan: MRM
Dr. Ingram McKay had three PhDs and one Nobel Prize in Chemistry along with a slew of other awards that he expected his children to beat. He happily set them up to higher and higher standards, happily watching them exceed every one of them. They were the only people in his life who ever did [other than this strange boy his son brought home one day and refused to ever leave].
John is writing a letter to Rodney's parents, talking about their work, and about how Rodney is failing to live up to the McKay name of terror. Rodney leans over and mentions that now that the man is retired, he's a waste of space, and should set himself adrift on an icefloe for the good of society. John smacks him.
"Stop encouraging my father."
"I like your dad."
"He made you take an intelligence test the first time you came over to my house."
"He made me take three and I aced all of them."
"You didn't beat me."
"No one has beaten you yet Rodney."
John hadn't started dressing like a skater to piss off his own father – whom he hardly saw, and who was bewildered by John no matter what he did – or his own mother, who thought it was hilarious. John started doing it piss off Rodney's father. The man was legendary. In his own labs, the scientists called him the Anti-Christ behind his back, and all the Russians thought he was some sort of punishment for past sins. He actively encouraged this notion, yelling at everyone in whatever language he chose to use at the time, berating them all for failing to meet his standards.
He would come home, the Lord of His Dominion, to see John and Rodney at the kitchen table fighting over math work. John would smile hugely at him, and go, "do you like my hair?" and pull on the blue, green, and red spikes as Ingram stared in horror. Rodney would smirk, and snicker at the table.
"We're doing Rodney's next, I think maybe some purple too for him. What do you think?"
"I want you out of my house."
"Sorry. I live here now. My mom abandoned me to take off with one of her loser boyfriends like you always said she would. I'm yours forever."
Ingram stumbled into the living room, looking for some vodka.
"Stop trying to give my dad a heart attack."
"We should do your hair."
"No, on you it looks cool. On me it would look like I was attacked by those things old ladies use at bingo."
"So like I was saying. . ."
"You're just like him, you know that right?"
"What? WHAT? I AM NOT! TAKE THAT BACK!"
"Are so. Both of you are so easy."
And they would end up rolling around on the floor, until John got Rodney pinned, and say things like, "So as happy as I am to roll around on the floor with you anytime, don't we have work to do?" making Rodney blush and yell back.
The first Doctor McKay strides into Lab One, he peers around interestedly. He calls out, "Hello Meredith," causing Rodney to twitch and drop a beaker.
"What are you doing here? No! One of the conditions I wrote out upon being hired was you were never allowed to grace this doorstep!"
"Now, Meredith, is that any way to speak to your father?"
Zelenka freezes and looks up, mouthing, "father?" in horror. Rodney's father smiles, all teeth. Zelenka turns white, drops his work, made the sign of the cross and flees. Ingram laughs.
"Stop terrorizing my minions. That's my job."
From three labs away they hear someone yell "DAD!" and John comes flying through the door to give Ingram a huge hug. "Hi! You didn't say you were coming! What are you doing here?"
Ingram nods at his son, "John's happy to see me. Why aren't you?"
"John went to Princeton and abuses narcotics."
John laughs and slides his arm through one of Ingram's. Ingram looks sideways at him, "You shouldn't talk about your significant other that way." Rodney snorts. "Is it possible your hair looks worse?"
"I know, it's awesome, isn't it? Let's go to the extra labs, I want you to scare Kavanaugh."
"Wait one minute, John, I am here to perform a fatherly duty."
"That is simply a bonus."
"Fine, what did mom send you to do?"
"Your mother doesn't send me places, Meredith."
"Okay. That's definitely an utter lie."
"If I choose to go to a place that coincidences with a place your mother wishes me to be, it is merely a coincidence. Nothing more."
"There are no such things as. . ."
"Be quiet. I'm surprised John hasn't killed you in your sleep."
"I'd miss him."
Ingram smiles, "You always were my favorite."
"I know." John beams at Rodney, who scowls at both of them.
"I just have a small question to ask of you."
"Fire away. This can't be any worse than the sex talk."
"Well, since you are legally married and such, we were wondering when you might be giving us grandchildren."
Rodney freezes while John squeals in his ear.
"HA! I WIN!"
"OH MY GOD! RADEK, YOU CZECH BASTARD! WHERE DID YOU PUT THE HOLY WATER?"
Ingram shakes his head, "Many have tried that, son, many have failed."
untitled snippet [Madison-sitting]
Jeannie decides to go on a second honeymoon with Caleb, so she leaves Madison with John and Rodney. Well, she leaves her with John, and sort of forgets to tell Rodney. It seems easiest that way. They make a little sil-bil pact to make it as horrifying for Rodney as possible. After making sure everyone they have ever met for five minutes is in on it. [Rodney is thorough – there might be detectives involved, there are many complicated bets at work.]
Rodney comes home [again] to find a child on the floor and shrieks. He shrieks even louder when this one jumps up, screams UNCLE MEREDITH! and attaches itself to his leg. He stares cold, cold death down at John, who just grins up at him.
"Guess what! We have a kid for real now! Jeannie ran off with a sociology major from Caleb's school, and he's so heartbroken, he decided to become a monk. Or a priest? I wasn't really paying attention. Anyway! Kid! All ours!"
Three days later, after Rodney can't track down Jeannie or Caleb and his parents are swearing they didn't know where she is, and try to discuss social work with him. Caleb's work keeps talking about Buddha, and Tibet, until Rodney says some really disgusting things about the Dalai Lama that make John fall off the couch, and Madison's eyes go wider and wider.
Rodney pretends to give up and resigns himself to a fate of crayola and popsicle sticks while secretly planning a way to blow up his sister's car the next time because this is the absolutest lowest anyone has ever sunk and OH MY GOD she drew on his plans for world domination in PURPLE GLITTER PEN. Rodney doesn't cry, because crying is for women, little babies, and little baby girls and Rodney is definitely not one of those.
He starts to train Madison to fetch things. [Not like a dog! he argues with John.] After the eighth day passes, and the joke is supposed to be over, and Jeannie hasn't called John, he starts to panic, and tries to figure out how to tell Rodney that um, maybe it was a joke, and now it isn't?
He glances around the kitchen doorway to see Rodney giving Madison waffles and making sure she has enough syrup. John melts a little bit, and wishes really hard that they could do this all the time, but honestly, with their work, and how much time they have to spend at it. . .Also Rodney is batshit insane. That is something to consider as well.
Caleb calls on the ninth day, saying, "haha," and John snaps back, "Oh yeah? Rodney is teaching her math, and she can swear in three languages now asshole" before hanging up the phone in smug satisfaction. Madison brings him a chocolate bar and they make laugh themselves sick watching really stupid children's television.
Jeannie shows up the next day, in a panic, yelling, and clutching at Madison. "She had better be okay! We couldn't actually go on the trip! I've been staying in a hotel across the street the whole time spying on you guys!" John stares at her blankly as Madison mutters something.
Jeannie stares down at Madison, "What was that?" John smirks, "That probably wasn't Czech. Maybe." Jeannie grabs Madison and drags her outside, Caleb waves from the door. Rodney slams it shut behind her. "Did she seriously think you wouldn't tell me about this shit?"
"I thought about it."
"I don't doubt that."
"That was fun though, having a minion."
"Think about it, we could have one all the time. . .she could grow up and take over Canada."
"He. He and She?"
"Like a she-male? That's kind of scary and wrong."
"Oh god. I'm going to bed."
Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children: John Sheppard
When John gets his first date, he is so happy and distracted that he starts telling his mother about it when she asks about his day. He gets all the way to the part where she asks, "So when can I meet this girl?" before realizing his error, and yelling out, "I have to go to my room now!" He runs from the table, and shuts the door in her face as she trails behind him, asking, "Wait, am I not cool enough? Are you ashamed of me? I can dye my hair too, you know."
John calls Rodney like immediately and hisses into the phone, "You have to reverse time. RIGHT NOW! INVENT SOMETHING!"
Rodney sighs, "What did you do now, you moron?"
John covers the receiver with his hand, his mom is still totally lurking outside, he can feel her, "I told my mom I have a date."
"YOU HAVE A DATE? WHAT? YOU TOLD YOUR MOTHER BEFORE ME? YOU ASS! No time machine for you!" Rodney hangs up the phone, as John tries to yell over him, "It's not like that! I was going to call you! Dammit!" He slinks into the hall and proceeds to talk for twenty minutes straight minutes about standard deviations, and how some people don't quite end up in the middle of the curve until she gasps out, "Oh my god! You're gay!" John nods and hides behind his hands.
"Do you hate me?"
"No! I would never hate you. You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and that will never stop being true. Even if you murder 30 people in a McDonalds. I promise."
John lowers his hands, and reaches out his right hand to clasp pinkies with his mom. She nods, and asks, "So you and Rodney?"
John makes a horrible face, "No, he is not cooperating. The nerve of him, you know?" He waves his hands around, attempting to demonstrate how completely unfair! it is of Rodney not to give in to his every demand.
She nods again, and says, "Wow, excuse me, I really need to use the restroom," before dashing off and slamming the door.
John follows her, because she could be lying, and about to have a break down or something, but instead he hears very loud laughter. He bangs on the door, "Hey, I can hear you in there. It's not funny! I have asked 400000 times and he still won't go out with me! He's a jackass!"
His mom sticks her head out of the door, "You are so awesome, honey, I am sure he will give in eventually." John beams. "Yeah, he's my bitch."
His mom cracks up again. "That's true, this is the first time he's ever told you no." Then she grabs his arm suddenly, "Can I tell your dad?"
John shakes his head, "Why do we need to tell dad? Nothing good will come of telling dad. NO!"
"I really want that divorce John."
"I know, but. . ."
"Can I tell him in person? Oh god, can I invite him up for Christmas and make him think we might be getting back together, and then tell him? I bet he still has his life insurance in my name!"
"I don't mean to be judgemental here, mom, but you are creeping me out a little."
"Three years! Three years of lost paperwork, and oh, it got sent to the wrong address, or I can't sign this, I disagree with some small tiny sections of blah blah. I think this will do it."
"When I convinced you to leave him, or well, tell him to leave, I didn't want you to hate him. He's my dad."
"I don't hate him, I just like everyone else on the earth more."
"How is that not hate?"
"I'm older than you, and I say it isn't hate, so it's not hate. It's strong dislike."
John stares at his mother who snaps, "Oh, shut up, so when do I get to meet this guy? Is he nice? Does he have long hair? He is your age right? I'm tired of chasing strange older men away from you."
"Well, come on, some guy tried to buy you in the grocery store!"
"That only happened once! Stop bringing it up!"
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing
Valerie is looking over the pasta section while John hovers in the background. She is wearing her shortest jean skirt, the one that causes John to cringe, and make sad faces, so she knows she looks hot. This guy has been following them around most of the store, in a nonchalant way, while she does the odds in her head about whether he could potentially be a creepy stalker. She smiles at him, and he smiles back, and she thinks, 'score!' John hovers a little closer, because he is considering starting a campaign to have his mom become a lesbian. This is a good plan because it means 1) no potential step-dad and 2) she has to forgive him for the gayness. He had explained this plan to Rodney, but all Rodney had said was, "I wasn't listening because I was staring at your mom's legs," and John had had to try to kill him again. It was like the fifth time that week.
She casually leans over a little bit, letting her skirt ride up an inch, and John thinks, 'fuck it' and flees to the next aisle. The guy looks away, and she frowns, normally that's a killer move. Valerie puts the pasta back, and moves to the next aisle, maybe it's a supermarket game. She hangs around, admiring the ramen noodles, while John mentions that the woman at the end of the aisle looks like a very nice woman, and perhaps his mother should go introduce herself. Valerie stares at John, a little worried, but then, there you go, the not-a-stalker-probably, comes around the aisle and stands right next to her. She smiles, and holds out her hand, as John whines, "You are ruining the plan!" She says, "Hi, my name is Valerie, and this kid here is my little brother." John's mouth drops open! The nerve!
The guy smiles and takes her hand, saying, "Hi, I'm Todd, and your little brother, huh, that's good."
She nods, and moves a little closer. John is clutching the cart behind her with his eyes narrowed. This is wrong of her. A thousand times wrong. The guy leans a little closer too, and whispers something to her, and the smile drops right off her face. She backs up really fast, and almost falls over the cart she was using as a seduction prop, and grabs John's arm.
"Oh, now you care about me."
"Shut up, Jimmy. We're leaving right now." She keeps pulling him along as the TOTALLY A CREEPY STALKER WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE THINKING makes a sad face, and says, "So, I can't have him? I'm willing to pay more."
John says, "Why are you calling me Jimmy? Wait, did that guy just say he would pay money for me? "
Valerie keeps dragging him out to the car, and pushes him inside, and puts on his seatbelt, and locks the doors, and hits the steering wheel until John says, "Mom! Mom! Stop!" She can't believe she was, she can't. . .she puts the key in the ignition, and pulls out of the space, and out of the parking lot. They are never coming to this store again, and she might come back here with Rodney later, and burn the damn thing down. John doesn't say anything about the fact that she's crying, but he reaches out and holds her hand on the way home.
[She can make jokes about it later, but she never goes back to that store. John doesn't let her throw the skirt out, even though later he can't figure out why.]
[John doesn't tell Rodney – he is a little worried about what he will do.]
untitled snippet [on the couch]
[on Canada and the US] We're bigger, and we're on top. If this was prison, they would be our bitch.
Rodney was laying on the couch, eating Cheetos and flipping through the channels rapidly. "Boring, boring, stupid and boring, retarded, oh my god, seriously?, boring, boring, wait, Anderson Cooper naked!"
John ran over to the television, "Dammit! One day I will stop falling for that."
"And that will be the day he will actually be naked."
"I know. What can I say? He's hot."
Rodney stares banefully up at John, "So you like men with greyish hair and perfect shirts, huh?"
"What? No? I like articulate attention whores. I thought you had worked that out by now."
"I'm not an attention whore."
"Oh hahahaha. Haahahaha. Oh god. I think I broke one of my lungs. Can we call Carson to check?"
"I'm serious. Shut up! I am NOT an attention whore."
"Okay, fine, you're not an attention whore. I'm not a regular whore either."
"You are too!"
"So that makes you. . ."
"This is not a correlation! You are a whore because you slept with guys constantly and bragged about it all the time. I am not an attention whore because that wouldn't be possible."
"Okay, one, I made over half that shit up to screw with you. Two, that wouldn't be possible? That is your whole argument? You lose, McKay."
"Maybe I like attention a little."
"Maybe you like Cheetos a little."
"I'm getting you a gag for your birthday."
"Are you also going to wear it? That's what I want for my birthday."
Rodney dragged himself off the couch, and smacked his hand over John's mouth. "You can lick my palm all you want Mrs. McKay, it won't do you a damn bit of good."
Rodney wrapped his other arm around John's waist and held him still, laughing against his neck as John struggled. Rodney pulled him over to the couch, and dropped John onto it hard. John yelped as Rodney followed him down right afterwards. He settled between John's spread legs and smiled.
John touched Rodney's face, and leaned up to kiss him, softly, touching his hair, wrapping his hand around the back of Rodney's neck to pull him down harder. Rodney's fingers slipped under John's 'I love booty' t-shirt and he palmed John's hip.
They ended up with John wrapped around Rodney, in control of the remote, which John won by letting Rodney feel him up. Rodney's fingers smoothed over the muscles in John's back as they both cracked up when Mercer got to the part about Bush and cutting.
["Some people say the glass is half full. Others say it's half empty. George W Bush says 'it's my glass. Step away from my glass, or I'll break it and cut you with the glass'. George W. Bush. . . he'll cut ya" [in a parody of pro-Bush advertisement]
John's mom had to give him like 20 talks along the lines of, I don't care if they have candy, do not get in the fucking van.
She probably brings John a sign that says, Congratulations, for making Rodney your bitch, and hangs on it on the front door. And Rodney is like, he's my bitch! And throws a pot at the wall.
The Old Man and the Sea
"Good Morning, Hemingway."
"Would you stop calling me that."
"Nope. I like it, goes with your attire. Plus, he was a fascinating example of a closet case who overcompensated by. . ."
"I am not a closet case!"
"We've seen you hanging out with Dr. Jackson, and you will note I used air quotes when I said Doctor."
"Rodney! He has three PhDs. God."
"In fake subjects."
"Rodney, look just because. . ."
"The only reason Champollion was able to translate the Rosetta Stone was because Thomas Young, a real scientist. . ."
"Fine. All of linguistics is a lie."
"Also, you will note archeology is wrong about the dates and origin of just about everything."
Jack butts in, "Actually, Dr. Jackson lost his position because he was starting to figure that out. Without having access to alien technology like some people." He stares at Rodney.
Rodney nods, "So let's go back to how you have a total man-crush on Daniel, and are completely proving that by jumping in to defend him, Mr. Hemingway." John cracks up behind him.
"My name is Jack. Use that from now on."
"Huh. I'm Rodney, and this is John." John smiles and waves.
Jack looks at John closely, "Are you Henry Sheppard's son?" John's smile wavers, "Yeah, he um, was my dad. Yeah."
"I'm sorry to hear about his passing. He was a good man."
"He tried I guess." John looks at Rodney, who nods subtly before turning back to the man in front of him, "I see you are still avoiding the subject at hand. Jack."
"Daniel just reminds of someone. I'm not trying to get into his up-tight corduroys."
"We know that, it's too bad though, he could probably use the attention. So, anyway, one straight man to another. . ."
"Isn't this guy your husband?"
"That doesn't count."
"Hey! It does too COUNT!"
"I mean, as far as my sexuality goes, it's not like I've spent my life chasing men like you have."
"So? You get it up for me which counts as a little gay! Plus you totally said Brad Pitt was hot."
"Brad Pitt is hot, how that does make me gay?"
John points at Jack, "Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?"
Jack makes a face, "He's a guy, I don't know."
"I'm secure in my masculinity, I can admit these things."
"Yes, secure in your masculinity and also having sex with another man."
"Fine. Maybe I'm a little bisexual, does it really matter?"
Rodney rolls his eyes, "Okay, look, do you think it's hot that the librarian chick spends all her time with that tiny Napoleon doctor?"
Jack grins, "Yes."
"They could just be friends you know. Girls hang out."
"You are ruining this conversation for me, John."
"Not every two women sitting together are having a lesbian affair."
"You're totally right, sometimes it's three women." Rodney gets a dreamy look while Jack laughs at the look of disgust on John's face.
"You are only allowed to get that look on your face when you are thinking about sex that involves me."
"No problem, I can picture you there with the three women."
"That is! YOU! I AM GOING TO THE FASCIST MEETING NOW!" John stomps off as Rodney giggles. Jack walks next to him as they follow John down the hall to get yelled at by one of the higher up military men about something.
All of the various scientists and assorted civilians end up crowded in this tiny room listening to some brain dead idiot in dress blues lecture about personal responsibility and alien technology. John starts to fidget, before laying his head on Rodney's shoulder. Jack is sitting next to them, playing a game of tic-tac-toe with himself while Daniel and Sam take notes in two different color pens. He rolls his eyes and leans over to John, "Hey, are you okay? You look kind of white."
John shakes his head. "I don't feel so great." Rodney is touching his forehead, and frowning, "You're warm. We'll go see one of the voodoo practitioners." He and Jack both get up to help John out of the room, as the guy in charge gets pissed at the interruption. Rodney is steering John out of the way when the guy grabs John's arm, and yells "What are you doing? Sit back down!" as John claps his other hand over his mouth. Rodney snipes, "Hey, he doesn't respond well to people in the military yelling at him!" as Jack tries to pry the guy's fingers off John's arm.
John shakes his head and tries to pull away, making the guy pull him closer and yells, "Well, spit it out already!" causing John to throw up all over his uniform as Jack and Rodney jump out of the way. The entire room is torn between being grossed out and laughing. The guy finally lets go of John's arm, and Rodney drags him out of the room as fast as possible. Jack stares at the guy, "That's what you get for being a jackass, Samuels." The guy glares and storms out of the room. John ends up in the infirmary for two days with the flu, as Rodney alternates between worry about getting sick himself and worrying John will die.
Dr. Jackson brings John Lipton Chicken Noodle soup, and tissues until Rodney admits that even if his PhDs are totally useless, he's kind of okay. Dr. Frasier pretends not to hear them as Rodney stays hunched over John's bed whispering to him.
"I know." Rodney is rubbing John's neck, trying to make his headache go away.
"I want better drugs."
"I'll make Carson give them to you."
John draws a heart on Rodney's right hand with his finger. He falls asleep with Rodney's hands in his hair, telling him a story about Ancient beings who devoted their whole lives to science and didn't know what sociology was because it was a waste of time and how they turned math into an art form.
Jump to the Left ficlet
"Rodney! Stop telling your mother I gave up math to become a prostitute!"
Rodney came out of the kitchen, chewing on cookies, and scattering crumbs all over the floor. John gave him a look. "I didn't say that."
"Don't give me that shit, and get a plate, you pig."
"We have a maid, who cares. Normal people don't clean up before the maid comes over, unlike some people I know. And I didn't tell her that, I would completely be taking credit for it if I did." Rodney shrugged and gave John half the cookies.
"Hmm." John leaned over the back of the couch to grab the phone while Rodney dropped ice out of his glass onto John's exposed stomach. Seven minutes of shrieking later, John was calling Rodney's sister.
"Hello Madison. Is your mom there? No? Okay, well do me a favor and tell her to stop telling your grandmother your uncle is a whore." Rodney started choking as John continued, "What's a whore? Well, it's what your mother wanted to be in high school, but didn't quite have my charm. No, you tell her that word for word. Awesome. Thanks Maddie, you're the best."
John hung up the phone and smacked Rodney on the back. "Try not to die on me here."
"She's going to kill you."
"Madison has to learn that word from somewhere, better me than some boy at school."
Three hours later on the answering machine:
"JOHN! EDWARD! SHEPPARD! YOU FUCKING DICK! AND MEREDITH! CONTROL YOUR HUSBAND! AND CALL ME BACK YOU PRICK!"
"You heard the lady, Rodney, call her back."
"I would but I have an urge to fuck your ass."
"You could always call her while you're doing that."
". . .Really?"
immediate follow-up: Shep's pants. You know them. You love them.
John was flipping through the mail, admiring the stack of postcards his mother had sent down, when he hit the play button on the answering machine.
The machine intoned: First message. 2:34 pm. John grinned as his mother's voice rang out, "Hi honey! I hope you got my postcards, what do you think? My agent wants to sell a line of them. Call me back and tell me if you like them. Love you! Give Rodney a big kiss for me!"
John hit save, and skipped to the next message. Second Message. 3:30 pm. "Hi, um, John, and Rodney. Look, this is Caleb. I understand you guys and Jeannie are really close, and that kind of thing usually causes a lot of in-jokes. I appreciate that, I do, but 15 minutes of you having sex on our answering machine was really uncalled for – my mother was over here, and I had to explain why two guys were screaming on there. So, could you please leave it to e-mail? Also, STOP TEACHING MY DAUGHTER FILTHY WORDS IN ARABIC. That is not adequate revenge for making you eat tofurkey." Click.
John saved that message too, laughing, and then trying to figure out who had been teaching Maddie Arabic. He didn't know any Arabic, and neither did Rodney. It was probably someone at Caleb's college, that's what you get for exposing your children to soft sciences.
The next message came on, and John had to turn the volume and replay it to hear Jeannie whispering, "Oh my god, guys, that was AWESOME! His mother was here and she almost fainted! She vowed never to set foot in my house again! You are the best brothers ever! Maddie has been learning how to swear in Arabic lately, who the hell do we know that speaks Arabic? She said something about camels last night that made Caleb's dad spit his beer across the table and turn purple laughing. Luckily, he wasn't in the room when Caleb played the answering machine, although he's kind of easy going, so he would probably have laughed. Oh! Caleb is glaring at me! Love you guys!"
John wasn't laughing into his mail at this point. He hit save again, and clicked to the next message. Fourth Message. 4:45 pm "Hey, Shep, can we move the soccer game to Thursday? I have to meet up with some guy about a thing. It's top secret, so I'm speaking in code, Mei Mei. See, I can be extra smart too."*
John rolled his eyes, Cameron was an idiot. He skipped through the next five messages that were probably just Cameron leaving various heavy breathing scenarios on the machine or threatening their cat.
Tenth message. 5:55 pm. "Satan here. I understand you are up for an award, my son, please do call me back, and let me know what kind of speech you plan on giving. I need to ascertain that I am mentioned thoroughly enough."
Eleventh message. 6:53 pm. "Hey, John, meeting your niece last week was nice. I've missed being around kids. Daniel was talking to her for awhile, and it got kind of rowdy, sorry about that. I hope she doesn't embarrass her parents. Uh, tell your worse half hi for me. I am supposed to invite you two to dinner on Friday night per request of Danny and Sam. Let me know will ya? Oh shit, DANIEL, DID YOU SPILL WINE ON THE PHONE AGAIN? IT'S ALL STICKY."
John looked down at the postcards, so Jack and Daniel had gotten a hold of Maddie. He expected better of Daniel, really, but it was always nice to be pleasantly surprised. He'd have to think of a good way to mention sticky phones at dinner. Phone sex just gets out of hand sometimes.
*Mei Mei means little sister. I think it's the right kind of Chinese for what Cam speaks, if not, too fucking bad, be impressed I know any Chinese at all.
Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri? [How do you get your hair to do that?]
When Rodney comes into the apartment, he dumps his bags in the usual spot, guaranteed to trip John at least once on the way out the door, providing Rodney with a good laugh. He starts to walk towards the kitchen when he notices John's feet hanging over the back of the couch.
"Oh shit. Are you watching Rome again? Did you skip work to marathon Homo Broadcast Channel again? And what! did I tell you about those sandals? DID I NOT THROW THEM OUT THE WINDOW AND HIT OUR NEIGHBOR WITH THEM? TWICE?"
John shifts over to eye Rodney over the arm, "Why must you try to separate me from my love of Pullo and Vorenus? Two men who would god, just bang the hell out of me. I was rubbing off on the couch earlier thinking about it."
"Have you been bathing in whiskey again? The kitchen sink smells funny. You didn't jerk off into it, did you? We wash dishes in here."
"I pissed in it once."
"AHH! GOD. I. We have to buy paper plates. I have to leave to buy paper plates."
"I pee in the shower too."
"We're getting a divorce."
"You might want to come over to the couch before you say that."
Rodney walks over to the kitchen door carefully. "I am not fond of surprises."
"You'll like this one. I promise."
"Am I going to have hives at the end?"
"I didn't know you were going to be allergic to that lube goddammit! I have said this five thousand times."
"Of course, it didn't stop you from laughing in the ER when the doctor asked what happened in front of an entire training seminar. Me and your fucking donkey braying all SEX INCIDENT HERE!"
"Why is it embarrassing you got injured during sex? That's manly. Pullo thinks it is manly."
"Shut up. So what's my surprise?"
"Ta. Da!" John stumbles over the arm of the couch trying to stand up, and falls on the back, laughing. He's wearing a skirt made of leather strips. Rodney stares in horror.
"Oh god. You are taking the dungeons and dragons too far Sheppard."
"What? No. No. This is sexy. This is me being sexy." John puts his hands on his hips. "Sexy."
Rodney stares flatly, "This is me not being turned on by your Warhammer outfit."
"Warhammer? I don't even know what the hell that is. See, with this outfit, I'm like, your slave boy, and I have to service you. On my knees."
"Wait a minute, I am beginning to find this sexy."
"Ha! I got you something too!" John runs into the bedroom as Rodney quietly pulls his phone out of his pocket to call some sort of mental hospital. There has to be one specifically for gay men out there, Rodney will find it.
He's whispering, "Look, he was fine when I left. . ." as John barrels back in with a purple sheet and some kind of plastic leaf thing. "Take off your clothes!"
Rodney looks up at John, smiling hugely, shaking a sheet around. What the hell. He snaps the phone shut. "Why am I taking off my clothes?"
"So you can be sexy with me. In a toga."
"I'm not really into role playing."
"You will be Caesar."
"Or you know, I could be convinced."
"Also, we have a new law in this house. Pants are banned. There is no pants wearing."
"How much did you drink?"
"Enough to kill several people. Look, you are breaking the house law, Rodney, don't make me get handcuffs."
"Yes, yes. Pants off. See? They are gone."
John snaps his fingers. "Shirt next, yes, very good. Take off your socks. People wearing socks are not allowed to fuck me."
"My feet are cold."
"This is not up for discussion. Socks off."
"Aren't I the imperial lord here?"
"Caesar was wife to all men."
"So the key to success in Rome was being a slut. Now I understand your fascination with the show."
John ignores Rodney and drapes the sheet around him carefully, smacking him as he squirms. "Okay! Now I have to get the camera."
"What!" Rodney shrieks. "You are not taking blackmail pictures of me for later."
"The video camera. There won't be any blackmail later."
"Oh. OH. Wait, are we making porn?"
John walks into the bedroom and flips a switch that starts the camera in the living room. They have wide angle lenses everywhere, both of them are kind of paranoid about security. Rodney kind of has a point about the hippies.
John takes Rodney's wrist and tugs him over to the couch, arranging him carefully before climbing into his lap. He has to pull the skirt up a bit to straddle him, and Rodney starts laughing as he almost falls. John glares at him, "Can you pretend this is hot? For me?"
"Your mind is what's hot, John."
"So my ass isn't what you're groping then?"
Rodney grins up at John, and pulls him down so he lands perfectly. "So what do Romans wear for underwear?"
"Underwear is for commoners."
"I thought you're a slave."
"To Caesar! I'm a ranking slave. Shut up. You know I hate underwear."
"Right, right, one more pesky layer between you and someone else's dick. Hey! Don't stop doing that!"
"Can you refraining from commenting on my sluttiness when you are benefiting from it?"
"So you are admitting you're slutty then?"
"Shit." John pulls off Rodney and huffs. "Why can't this be fun? Why are you such a jackass?"
"Take off the skirt, and get in my lap without it, and we can talk."
John grins and drops it on the floor, carefully stepping out of it, swaying a little to keep his balance.
"Without tripping!" John sticks his tongue out at Rodney, before letting himself be pulled down. Rodney's fingers are on his hips, sliding around and up John's back, as John touches Rodney's face. He leans down to kiss him, licking his way in as he starts to move his hips in a circle. Rodney groans, and pulls John down tighter, he wants pressure in one place.
John whines into Rodney's mouth as he pants, Rodney's hand is hard in the small of his back, presses him down, keeping him there. His other hand is stroking John's cleft, strong fingers circling his hole, teasing. Rodney's sheet keeps bunching up on his thighs as John moves, making him slip a little, one of the fingertips slides up him. John grips Rodney's shoulder, bearing down, moving faster, grinding now. The laces on the sandals are biting into his shins as his feet hit the edge of the couch.
Rodney pushes two fingers up and John goes tense, stopping for a full moment as he comes in jerking gasps. Rodney pets him down, letting him slump against him, before spreading John down on the couch and pulling the sheet off. He reaches under the couch, pulls out the lube they hide under there for such occasions and slicks up his fingers. John watches as Rodney's hand disappears between his legs, feeling the fullness as his fingers slide back into him, all the way to the second knuckle.
He spreads his legs wider, throwing one over the back of the couch, he lets Rodney have as much as he wants, always as much as he wants. He loves every second of it. The leaves are still on Rodney's head, and John laughs as he moves over John's supine form. He tugs on the crown, and mouths Rodney's ear. "Hmm, fucked by an emperor, how many people can say that." Rodney chuckles into his neck, lifting his hips up as he lines himself up and slides in. John's laughter turns into a moan as Rodney thrusts into him, pushing him down into the couch.
John's fingers skid over Rodney's back, his hair, his face. He can't quite grip reality when Rodney is inside him, he's always so pulled apart. It doesn't take very long, Rodney was close before they got here, and John smiles as Rodney grunts, and pushes into him hard. They lay there, contended for awhile, while John runs his fingers up Rodney's back, letting them trail over warm skin.
"So you want to watch the show with me now?"
"And the afterglow is gone." Rodney mutters into John's neck.
"Come on, you at least like the sandals."
"Not in a million years."
"You like me."
"You're going to stay with me forever."
"That doesn't mean I like you." Rodney pulls away from John to peer down at him. "Perhaps I just want a sex slave to do my bidding."
"I figured that was it. I remember in our vows that you wrote yourself when you said, and I promise to take John Sheppard as my bitch, and to use him brutally in dirty men's bathrooms forever or my name is not Meredith McKay."
"It made your mother cry."
John tightens his thighs around Rodney laughing, and Rodney groans. "Ahh, that feels kind of strange."
"Pull out then."
"Right." Rodney moves off John, and props himself up to overlook him. "Debauched and glowing. I think that works for porno-worthy, don't you?"
"Sure." Rodney leans down again to kiss him. "You glow."
"I think it's your sperm. All the experiments, they are probably radioactive."
"Just wait until I get you pregnant."
John pushes Rodney off. "Wait, are we talking about kids? Seriously?"
"It was a joke, Mrs. McKay. Now get back on your back where you belong."
"Fine. Deny me babies. See if I care." John sulks into the couch as Rodney kisses his jaw, and his shoulders. "One day I'll just break down and kidnap some poor woman's baby, and her heartbreak will be all over the news and it will be all your fault."
"That's tragic." Rodney pushes his face in John's stomach, and sighs. John's fingers are running through his hair, and he's completely content.
[so this makes sense – because I cannot remember if I put this fic up or not, John and Rodney sort of messed around a little bit after John told him about the gayness, and they got pretty far, but then Rodney jumped out of bed, and threw a really massive hissy fit.]
After much self-recrimination, and watching Rodney mope around school [and telling the girl Rodney had a crush on that Rodney had a small, no, tiny dick] John made a huge personal sacrifice, and accepted [mostly] that Rodney was perhaps not just to the point where he could love John with all his heart, and propose. Yet.
He went into Rodney's room, and sat on the bed and glared at him until Rodney looked up and said, "What?"
"I have decided that I can give you time to come to the realization that you love me above all things."
Rodney made a face. "That's very generous of you," he said dryly.
John said, "I know, I'm magnanimous like that."
Rodney said, "I was kidding."
John replied, with his eyes narrowed, in a very scary voice, "I was not."
And for the first time in his life, Rodney kept his mouth shut, because he knew that tone, and he knew he had been in the wrong, and he really did want to continue having a best friend. Also, he didn't want to die before winning his five Nobel prizes, and have the headline read something like 'teenage gay affair gone wrong.' Additionally, he was kind of afraid that if John did murder him, his father would figure out a way to bring him back, and he'd spend the next twenty years as his father's science zombie. He'd probably be forced to eat the brains of the less intelligent lab assistants. He shuddered.
When he looked up John was staring at him funny, so he said, "I was a zombie."
John nodded, and said, "That's cool. You're helping me find a boyfriend."
Rodney said, "What? No, I'm not!"
"You broke my heart, and caused me horrible amounts of pain, so, yes, you are. Also, it is the duty of a friend to get their friends laid. I, of course, am exempt from this, because of my love, but you are not."
Rodney figured right then that this would all end really badly, but even he was surprised by how completely moronic the guys John seemed to find were. So, Rodney does start helping, because he's kind of appalled. In college, he ends up working next to a guy named Matthew Lallfel, and he's cute, and smartish, and well, he's not vile. He smiles at Rodney too much so Rodney cunningly blurts out, "Look, are you gay?" and Matthew gives him a big, pretty smile that dims a little when Rodney explains it's for his roommate. The smile comes back when he actually meets Rodney's roommate.
Rodney tries really, really hard not to be a jackass about the fact that John starts spending a hundred million hours with this guy, and Rodney has to listen to endless discussions about Matthew's various attributes when he is trying to watch Dr. Who. Finally, Rodney snaps, "I am so very happy that you are happy but if you mention his name one more fucking time, I am causing his death in a lab accident."
John looks at Rodney, with a delighted smile, and asks, "Are you jealous?"
Rodney starts foaming at the mouth, and John is laughing, and climbing on him, and they start shoving, and end up sprawled on the floor. John puts his head on Rodney's shoulder and says, "I'll always love you most" and Rodney says, quietly, "You love him?" and John kind of hums and doesn't answer.
Rodney pays a lot more attention to Matthew after that, because this guy had better not put a foot out of line, ever. Whenever Matthew smiles at people too long, Rodney steps on his foot. Matthew starts sitting on the other side of the room, but Rodney is very determined, and scary when needed. John is happy for months and months, all bright smiles, and he tells his mother about Matthew, and Rodney grudgingly lets his guard down. Which is why when he comes into the room, and finds John curled up in a tiny ball at the foot of their bunkbeds, crying because Matthew cheated on him with some fucking moron named Paul, Rodney has a slightly visceral reaction.
Matthew wisely decides not to come to class for the next week, but Rodney doesn't care. He had to sit there while his best friend, the most important person in the world, was in pain so Rodney will make sure he pays back as much of it as possible. He unearths some notebooks, and makes a few plans, and sneaks out one night when John is passed out on the bottom bunk. Matthew lives off campus because he's older than them, of course, everyone is. Rodney waits until 3 in the morning, when everything is quiet, and he has gloves, and everything is perfectly sanitized.
The next day, at 6:30 am, a very loud explosion rips through the parking lot of Matthew's apartment, and to Rodney's utter delight, the steering wheel flies through the air, and embeds itself into the fucker's door. Of course, he only hears about such details later on, as he was nowhere near the scene of the crime, and John swears to God, Allah, Buddha, and other deities that he makes up on the spot, that Rodney was with him the whole time. As do several of the very nice girls that John knows, because most of them wish they had a friend like Rodney.
The campus police try to do a thorough investigation, but there isn't anything to actually link Rodney to the crime. No one saw him, he has several alibis, and the college is so happy to have him there that they kind of quietly drop it, and tell Rodney in very thinly veiled terms that he's lucky he's so smart, and that if something like this happens again, they will kick both him and John out.
When he comes back to the room, John sits down on the floor next to him and says, "Thanks." Rodney shrugs. He's never admitted to John that he did it, and he never will.
[Matthew left the college and sleeps under a very complicated alarm system now. Rodney sends him Christmas cards sometimes, generally pictures of his car before it was destroyed. They are addressed to Cheating Bastard and mailed from other countries.]
Romance, Sarcasm, and Math
John prints out 17 copies of a math purity webcomic and hangs it all over the apartment, in any place he thinks Rodney might look. It takes until the last one, the one that is taped to the coffee machine, for Rodney to start yelling. John is snickering in the bedroom as Rodney yells, "Like there is anything pure about any part of you! MATH SLUT!"
John cheers quietly because that means he gets to wear his Math Slut! shirt to work. Rodney has banned it six separate times, but John has a rule that anytime Rodney calls him that, the ban is automatically lifted. He quickly pulls it on before hiding it under a hoodie. It's best to unveil the shirt at a strategic point of time when they are already at the Mountain, and Rodney can't do shit about it. All of the office pool agree it's his best shirt.
Rodney stomps into their bedroom and throws the comic at John's face. It lands awkwardly on the bed, and John smoothes it out carefully to use later at work. He has another 57 printed out in his notebook. Zelenka agreed on irc earlier to help him out in his magical quest to make Rodney's head explode.
The front of John's Shirt: MATH SLUT!
The back: You are not a slut if # of Total Men < Your Age x 1.5.
[Since John is 36 here, that shirt means he has slept with over 54 men. Rodney HATES that fucking shirt.]
Einstein's Wife and the Eleven Dimensions of String Theory
They have the wedding in a hotel, because they can't con anyone into letting them use their house for such an event. It's good though, because that means John and Rodney can just go straight up the elevator to the Honeymoon suite, which was paid for by a mixture of a lot of minions who want funding from Rodney, and Rodney's mother, who wanted Rodney to be married before she died.
When they get up there, John is already stripping off his suit jacket, and trying to kiss Rodney, but Rodney is whining, loudly, that they reek of beer and need to take showers. Separate showers, because he knows how John is, and he doesn't want to die in one. So John gets abandoned out in the bedroom while Rodney is locked in the bathroom, naked, and being soapy, and wet. Life is never, ever fair. He throws all his clothes on the floor, and turns on ESPN so Rodney will yell when he comes out, and tries to think seductive thoughts.
Mostly, he's just overwhelmed. He's been certain his entire life that this moment was coming, but now that it's actually here, he's kind of panicked. What if he and Rodney have some giant fight, and suddenly hate each other, and wow, his ring is really pretty in the light. There is probably another John Sheppard out there in one of a million universes thinking the exact same thing. It's kind of calming to think there are 50,000 versions of himself, all out there, worrying about Rodney, in one form or another.
Rodney comes out, wrapped in fifteen towels, and John sits up, trying to start taking them off him. Rodney frowns and says, "No. You go take a shower now."
"I don't need a shower." John said as he was shoved towards the bathroom. He sulked as he went in, and took a very quick, three minutes! shower while muttering about people with OCD.
When John comes out of the bathroom, Rodney is laying on the bed, naked, his ass right there, and his back still a little wet, and John thinks, 'god, why was in there when I could be out here?' and he shifts up onto the bed, in a very ninja fashion, reaching for Rodney's ass. Just before he gets there, Rodney suddenly turns over, and he HAS HIS FUCKING TOWEL right there. John says, "Wow, is this what a rage blackout feels like?" and Rodney laughs and waves something in his face. John snatches it before asking, "Is this more pages from that stupid sex book? I told you to throw it out, I already know how to do everything in it."
"Oh, that's nice. Exactly what I want to hear. About your epic slutdom on our wedding night."
John unrolls the paper, it's a notebook sheet, and it's in some kind of plastic, and jesus, Rodney LAMINATED that stupid contract he made John sign. He looks up and Rodney has the biggest, smuggest smile on his face in the history of the world, and he waves his greedy hands around, and says, "Ring. On your finger. My half of the contract is totally fulfilled."
John narrows his eyes, gets off the bed, and marches over to one of the fifty tables in the room, because high class seems to mean enough furniture for twenty people, and their children. It's a non-smoking room, John is totally sure of that, he knows everyone in the SGC has heard Rodney's 'why smoking will kill you – by which I mean I will kill you for smoking near me' rant, but there is still matches, and an ashtray. He grabs the matches, and Rodney is on the bed, laughing, because he's a jerk and John lights one of the matches, and Rodney shrieks, "Oh Jesus, you're going to get us kicked out of the hotel before I can even fuck you!"
He hurtles himself off the bed, towards John, and they fight over the paper, before John starts laughing, because after all these years, it's not like he didn't know what he was getting into. And there are all those John Sheppards out there who don't get to have this, and are miserable, and alone.
Several days later:
They're drunk and John is laying on the bed, rambling.
He asks, "What if it's not real? What if the stars are all fake, and science is all some rules a guy made up for his imaginary system? What if our lives are just a prank?"
"You're not allowed to watch the Matrix any more." Rodney says, as he attempts to pry the bottle of Chivas away from John. He curses the name of Regal. "Or go on the internet."
"What if there really is a flying spaghetti monster?"
"I'd rather there be a pink unicorn. Give me the fucking bottle!"
"Or Athe. What if Athe is real?" John hands Rodney the bottle. If Rodney wants a drink, he can just ask, John will share with his husband. They can even drink of the same bottle now, right after each other.
"I wouldn't mind a hot chick who beats people for talking about her behind her back." Rodney answers as he wipes the bottle on his shirt. John smacks him, spilling scotch on the bed.
"Don't wipe off the bottle after I drank it! We make out! If my tongue has been in your mouth, then we have shared germs! Your shirt has more germs! This isn't the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy!"
"Then why did you make me bring my towel to bed?"
Rodney did get to fuck John! He may write haikus about it later on.
John has given it up now
Ass sex is the best