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Your Arms Around Me Felt Like Never Letting Go

Chapter Text

 



























Chapter Text

Dear M,
   You came to meet me.
   You laughed because I thought it was secret, my second flat - the one I actually live in as opposed to the one the media thinks I live in. You said you've known since first term when you walked Gwen home from O Chem.
   I had almost forgotten she ever lived here. I feel terrible, but it's true. She never took up much space in my life.
   I never took up much in hers, either.
   You said you were sorry about what happened with Gwen and Lance and was there anything you could do and if I wanted to talk you would listen and you were sorry you hadn't told me but they'd asked you not to and Gwen had cried and said she hadn't meant to hurt me.
   You had tears in your eyes then and you held onto my arm as if willing me to believe you. So I told you I like someone else anyway and then I blushed but you pretended not to notice.
   You hugged me when you left and said if there was anything you needed I should call you.
   Your arms around me felt like never letting go and I slept soundly last night for the first time in years.
      -A


 

Dear M,
   I asked if you would mind moving the tutoring sessions to my flat because with all the cameras everywhere it's just easier. You said sure but could we eat.
   I ordered everything vegan. When you saw how much food I'd bought in you laughed then made me promise none of it would go to waste. You looked so earnest that as soon as you left I called a local homeless shelter and they picked up all the leftovers. The guy made a joke about homeless people not wanting tofu, but he seemed grateful.
   I wish I could tell you what I did but that's not the point.
      -A


Dear M,
   I called the helpline. I disguised my voice, like I've been taught since I was a child. I don't imagine my own family would have known it was me.
   You said if I thought I was in love with someone I should tell them. I said they hardly know me. You said, then don't start with love. Start with coffee. Or flowers. Flowers are safe.
     I bought about a hundred sunflowers. Once you see them you'll know it was me. You'll know everything, probably. But I don't care.
   All I can imagine is the look on your face when you see them.
      -A


Dear Merlin,
   Your lips are softer than I thought they would be. I thought I was going to spontaneously combust. I didn't ever want to stop kissing you kissing you kissing you.
   You said it's ok that I've never done this with a man before and we can go as slow as I please. Your eyes went far away when I told you that like you couldn't believe you were so lucky I chose you.
   I'm the lucky one, Merlin.
   I'm the lucky one.
      -A


M,
   I can still see the yellow flowers reflected in your wide eyes and the smile that spread across your face like sunrise.
      -A


Dear M,
   If I thought having the secret of Gwen shagging Lance was going to kill me I was sorely mistaken. I have a bigger secret now. -- Prince Arthur is in love with a MAN. Prince in Gay Scandal. If it weren't for his big sister there'd be a succession crisis the like of which the country has never seen. Blah blah blah.-- A million headlines from my nightmares.
   But none of that matters, because at the library tonight you sat beside me and, under the cover of leaning in closer to your book, you took my hand in yours and squeezed it once, tightly.
   I don't really know what to do because my secrets have never made me happy before, Merlin.
      -A


Dear M,
   We all went for a meal tonight. Gwen and Lance and you and I. You and I pretended to just be close friends, but there was a light in Gwen's eyes and when she kissed my cheek at the end of the night she said how nice it is to finally see me happy in myself.
   So I'm guessing she knew all along. One day I suppose we'll have to talk about it.
      -A


Dear M,
   You stayed here studying until after midnight. I just watched you. I've never met anyone as focused as you are and it awes me. It was raining very hard when you went to leave and I said should you maybe just stay?
   You thought about it and said the only way you'd get any sleep at all was if we weren't sharing a bed, and you blushed like you have a secret you can't wait to tell me. I kissed you around the lightness in my chest but I'm scared so I agreed.
   You're asleep on the sofa and I can hear you breathing and everything I've ever wanted is there in those deep, restful breaths and I smiled because even if we never get closer than this it will always be enough.
      -A


Dear M ,
   I'm sorry I missed our tutoring session today, but I went home to visit Dear old Dad. You probably know him as the King. Anyway I didn't mention any names but I asked what would the protocol be, say, if I were to announce publicly that I am, indeed, a homosexual.
   He said he didn't care who I shagged or when so long as I got their permission first and married them before any offspring arrive. Apparently he just wants me to be happy?
   Turns out he's not as bad as I thought.
      -A


Dear M,
   We went back to the animal shelter today and I just watched you for an hour wondering what I've possibly done to deserve someone as amazing as you.
   You kept asking what and I kept saying nothing, but it's everything, really, isn't it?
      -A


M,
   That thing you did with your hands and our… together with the… well, that. Don't be surprised if I make today into a national holiday in future.
      -A


Dear M,
   I don't know why I'm still writing in this thing. I'm not miserable now. I've packed it in with the therapy. Who knew that Be Yourself was actually practical advice?
      -A


Dear M,
   My father asked at dinner last night were you the reason I'm finally smiling and you stared at me and said I hope so and I wanted to kiss you there in front of everyone.
   My sister hugged you goodbye and kissed your cheek and whispered something in your ear that made you look away, embarrassed. I wanted to know what she said and I almost asked you but in the car you started kissing me and didn't stop.
   You stayed the night, in my bed, and it was three in the morning before I even closed my eyes. I was afraid you'd be gone in the morning but you stayed and brought me coffee and we kissed and you were late for your first class but you were smiling.
   I've decided we should have dinner with my family more often.
      -A


Dear M,
   I haven't written in this for months. Summer has gone and you're starting your final year of Uni (well, until med school). I can’t remember ever being this happy in my entire life.
   I can't tell if you're glad or worried that our relationship is still a secret. I figured I'd let you finish your studies before flipping your entire life upside down. But I think you may think I'm embarrassed or worried what folk might think.
   Just so we're clear: You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
   You are my first thought in any decisions I make.
   A million years with you and I'd still want more.
      -A


M,
   It's Saturday and you woke up early. You said you had to get ready because you had interviews and I said they weren't until afternoon but you smiled a slow smile and took my hand.
   You let me wash your hair. Afterwards you let me shave you. You stood there in my bathroom with your head tilted back while I ran a razor over your jawline and neck. You weren't even nervous. I was, but I don't know why.
   I could trace the lines of you in the dark.
      -A


M,
   Your hands on me sometimes make me feel like I'm the most important thing in the universe.
   I've never felt so much like I mattered before and I don't know how to thank you.
      -A


M,
   I think I'm ready.
   I mean I’m still nervous, but I think I might be ready.
      -A


M,
   Holy fuck was I ever not ready for that. Jesus. I'm going to grant you a fucking knighthood. No, you know what, that's not enough. Fancy a proper Royal Title? What about Prince Consort? Oh, god. If I knew having you shag me into the fucking mattress was going to feel so fucking good I'd have started doing it fucking ages ago.
      -A


M,
   You keep telling me our secrets aren't going to last for long if I insist on shouting your name so loudly but I can't help it.
      -A


M,
   You've asked me to stop proposing to you during sex because you can't tell if I'm being serious.
   The thing is, neither can I.
      -A


Dear M,
   Your Mum came for dinner tonight and you make so much more sense to me now. She's the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met. Before she left she took me aside and thanked me for turning the light on inside you and I said since we met your light has been the brightest thing in my sky and she laughed but it was also crying and we hugged.
      -A


Dear M,
   Your acceptance letter from med school came today and you brought it over so I would be with you when you opened it.
   You were shaking you were so nervous but you got in, obviously. You kissed me and called your Mum and cried and then you said, in a small voice, was I ok with you leaving.
   I said I don't think we should be apart and you almost got upset but then I showed you the application I filled out. RAF officer training. It's only thirty miles from your school. I also signed up for flying lessons.
   Somehow with you in my life those things I really wanted don't seem so impossible anymore.
      -A


Dear M,
   When I came home from my first day of Officer Training you’d bought me flowers. Well, just one flower. A single daffodil. Where on Earth you got a daffodil in August I’ll never know. But it doesn’t matter because you remembered. We only talked about this once, in passing, more than two years ago before we even started seeing each other, and you remembered.
   I will never be able to show you how much I love you, but I will try to, every day.
      -A


Dear M,
   So, we're out now. Sorry about that. I hope they haven't interrupted your med school studies too much.
   I'm sorry I keep laughing, but all I can think when I read those trashy tabloid headlines - Prince Arthur likes it up the arse! - All I can do is look at you and think they're all just bloody jealous.
      -A


Dear M,
   This morning I asked you to marry me. Over breakfast. You looked at me for a long time and said you'd think about it. That you still want to be who you are, first, and who we are second. That you keep waiting to wake up from the dream you're obviously having. That you still, after all this time, find it difficult to believe that I fancy you.
   I decided the only thing for it is to let you read these. So, here you go.
      -A


My dear, dear Arthur,
I haven't read your journals.
I don’t need written proof of your feelings. Everything you do every day is proof to me. I hope you don’t ever doubt how I feel about you. I love you. You are imperfect and, often, lost, but you’re also the most human person I’ve ever met. Your happiness is everything to me, and if you let me I will try to be worthy of you every single day.
With love,
Your Merlin


M,
   You brought my journals back today, but you said you hadn’t read them.
   You said I was fragile sometimes like glass which has been broken and inexpertly mended and you want to be the one who mends me if I ever break again.
   You said if I still wanted you could we get married, please.
   I said yes.
      -A