"So, you say it'll be painless?"
"Yes, completely. My methods have only ever failed once, and even if they do, you won't be alive long enough to feel the pain. Much."
"That's not very reassuring."
"Only failed once, remember. Now, please remove your shirt."
"Okay... Um, what's that?"
"The needle, or the corkscrew-y thing?"
"That's the- drat, I really should name these sometime. Anyway, that's the thing I'll use to remove the bones."
"Every time you say something, my terror doubles."
"You want to live, right? Well, to work! I just have to put this here, a few rubs from this, and voila! Anesthesia complete!"
"So you're sure that worked?"
"Can you feel your chest?"
"I can't normally feel my-"
"ANYWAY, now to make the incision. A nice clean line right up the center of the ribcage..."
"WHAT THE FUCK!?"
"Yes, shock and disbelief are common reactions. The whole process seems a bit surreal, but I assure you this is very real."
"HOW THE FUCK AM I NOT BLEEDING!? I SHOULD BE DEAD! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO ME, DOC!? THAT WAS NOT JUST ANESTHESIA!"
"Oh, hush. I work better with less noise. Now, if I remove the ribs just-"
"You CAN put this shit back, RIGHT!?"
"Oh yes, of course. A few snips, and... Yes! There's your problem! Just look at how sick this heart looks! . . . This is your first time, isn't it? Stop screaming already, you’ll wake the neighbors!"
"HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO STAY CALM WHEN YOU ARE HOLDING MY HEART IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING FACE!?!"
"You get used to it. Here, I brought a spare. See? Sew it on in, and you're good as new!"
"WHAT ABOUT MY FUCKING BONES, DOC!?!"
"Oh, yes, those. A brush of Epoxy A here, a dab of Epoxy B here, aaaaand there you go!"
"Epoxy. You reattached my bones with FUCKING EPOXY."
"Well, yes. Not everything has to be borderline magical."
"So you admit literally nothing about this makes any sense."
"Don't put words in my mouth. I said borderline magical. There's science behind all of this."
"Well if this is science, I don't want any part of it."
"Unfortunately, you'll be getting the bill part later this week. Have a nice evening!"
"Doc. This gaping fucking INCISION in my stomach."
"It'll heal in about an hour. Toodles!"