[Jefferson, Madison, Hamilton, and Laurens are in Jefferson’s house. Jefferson and Madison are playing cards. Mac the turtle is quietly munching on some lettuce.]
Madison: [putting down a card, leaving him with one] Uno! I’m gonna win!
Jefferson: But we’re playing, uh, Old Maid. Yeah.
Madison: A, no we aren’t, and B, the goal of that game is to get rid of all of your cards too.
Jefferson: Okay, well, we’re playing poker. What suit do you think green is?
Hamilton: I’m almost going to miss your ridiculousness when we move out. [pause] Almost.
Jefferson: Since you guys are moving out, you can move in, Jemmy! What do you say?
Madison: …I’m gonna need some time to think about it1.
Jefferson: But I made a special room for you2! It’s in the shape of an octagon.
Hamilton: Why did-
Jefferson: I LIKE OCTAGONS3.
Hamilton: Laurens, do you have everything? Because I’m ready to get the fuck out of here.
Laurens: Yeah, just let me get Mac back into his cage. [opens the door to a cat carrier] Come on, Mac, time to go!
Jefferson: Well, Hamilton, it sure was something having you live with me.
Hamilton: Yeah, ‘something’ is one word for it.
Jefferson: But now since you don’t have to live with me anymore, I can go back to torturing my voodoo doll of you every night!
Hamilton: Wait what-
[Hamilton is interrupted by frantic pounding on the door.]
Jefferson: [yells] Sally, would you get that? [Silence. He sighs and gets up.] What do I even pay you for?
Sally: [yelling from the other room] YOU DON’T!
Jefferson: Oh, yeah. [He opens the door. Lafayette stands there in a state of panic.] If it isn’t my favorite French fry! How can I help you on this fine day?
Lafayette: Thomas! I need help right away!
Jefferson: What’s the problem?
Lafayette: My pere Washington has been imprisoned!
Jefferson: What American would ever arrest the president?
Madison: Actually, we have had 2 presidents who have been impeached, and Richard Nixon surely would have been had he not resigned4.
Jefferson: Okay yeah but this is the 1780’s! Who would arrest the president nowadays?
Lafayette: It wasn’t an American! Washington was arrested by the French!
Laurens: Can’t you talk to them? You’re French royalty!
Lafayette: Oui, frere Jacques5, but nowadays the French aren’t taking too kindly to royalty. They beheaded the king and queen6!
Hamilton: Wait, why are we gasping? We already know that.
Lafayette: Alex, Laurens, we must go rescue our father!
Madison: Yeah, we should probably go, too.
Jefferson: But isn’t Washington a Federalist7? They’re kinda gross, I think I’ll just stay here.
Lafayette: Please, Thomas!
Jefferson: Oh, all right. [yells] Sally, watch the turtle while we’re gone!
[Everyone leaves. After a moment Sally enters the room.]
Sally: It’s nice in here without all those idiots, don’t you think? [Mac chews his lettuce and slowly nods his head] You know, Jefferson may be the father of my children, but I already like you more than him. [Mac continues chewing] Let me get some wine for us, then we can go on Twitter and see the latest beef.
- TJ invited Jemmy to move closer to him. He didn’t.
- This article says “octagons fascinated him”. Same
- It works because Laurens’s family called him “Jack” and they’re brothers since Washington is their father (Wikipedia will tell you Henry Laurens is John Laurens’s father. This is a lie.)
- Along with about 17,000 people during the Reign of Terror.
- In regards to ideology, he was a Federalist, but he felt that that America shouldn’t have political parties at all. (Tbh I completely agree with him)
[Lafayette, Hamilton, Laurens, Madison, and Jefferson rush up to a compound. The gate is closed, and a guard stands next to it.]
Guard: Qui es-tu1?
Lafayette: Je m’appelle Lafayette2!
Guard: Veux-tu essayey l’amour en levrette3?
Lafayette: Je me branle souvent quard je pense a toi4.
Guard: Je suis ammanchee comme un taureau5.
Madison: [to Jefferson] I don’t speak French, what are they saying6?
Jefferson: The guard asked what we want and Lafayette said we need to talk to the newest prisoner.
Laurens: Um, I don’t think-
Lafayette: Donne-moi une fessee s’il te plait! Je suis un garcon villain7.
Guard: Je veux te lecher des hanches jusqu’aux pieds8.
Jefferson: Now Lafayette’s saying that we’re important Americans, and the guard says he’ll take us to see Washington.
Laurens: Yeah, that’s…that’s not what-
[The guard opens the gate and starts walking into the compound. Lafayette, Laurens, Hamilton, Madison, and Jefferson follow him.]
Guard: This way! [leads them into a room] I will be back in a, how do you say, moment. [leaves the room]
Madison: Well, Lafayette, whatever you said worked!
Laurens: …I almost want to go back to South Carolina.
Jefferson: Shit, get me some fireworks then! The good kind, not the weak-ass shit they sell in Virginia.
[The door opens and two guards come in, escorting a handcuffed Washington.]
Jefferson: Oooh, I want those that explode and then explode into smaller parts, you know what I mean? You know what, just get me some of everything.
Lafayette: What in the world happened?!?
Washington: This French commander got assassinated and they think I did it, since I was taking a walk near this compound when he got killed.
Madison: But they can’t arrest you! They don’t have any proof!
Washington: Yeah, about that…I kinda signed a confession taking full responsibility for his death.
Hamilton: Why the fuck would you do that?!?
Washington: Because they put the paper in front of me, and it was in French, so I didn’t know what it said, but I didn’t want to admit that I can’t speak French, so I just signed it9.
Laurens: [speechless] …Are you fucking serious?
Washington: I couldn’t let them know I don’t speak French! I have a reputation to uphold!
Jefferson: Yeah, the reputation of a convict.
Lafayette: How can we get you out?
Washington: Write a letter to your state senator?
Madison: Something tells me that won’t work for a French compound.
Washington: Typical bureaucracy uselessness. I don’t know, maybe you could find a European with a lot of sway?
Guard: All right, time to go back to the cell!
[The two guards escort Washington back out of the room.]
Lafayette: [calls to Washington] Don’t worry, I have someone in mind!
Jefferson: Is it you?
Lafayette: That would make sense, wouldn’t it?
- “Who are you?”
- “My name is Lafayette.”
- “Wanna try doggy-style?”
- “I beat off often when I think of you.”
- “I’m hung like a bull.”
- Here’s a nifty little chart that shows what languages each president knew. Laurens and Hamilton were fluent in French, to the extent that Washington made them Steuben’s translators at Valley Forge. I’m going to go out on a limb and say Laf was fluent in French, since he kinda was from France.
- “Spank me! I am a bad boy.”
- “I want to lick you from your hips to your toes.”
- I am laughing so fucking hard how the hell did this man become the leader of our country? And even today people like worship him and I’m just like “George you started a world war. By accident.”
[Baron von Steuben is in his kitchen, pouring a glass of wine. His miniature greyhound, Azor1, sits at his feet. Classical music is playing in the background. His house is luxuriously decorated and his clothes are fashionable2. There’s a pounding on the front door.]
Steuben: I wonder who that is, ja? [He walks over and opens the door. Lafayette, Madison, Jefferson, Hamilton, and Laurens stand on his on his porch.] I didn’t get the male strippers for toni- oh! It’s meine Freunde from Valley Forge! And…an elf… and a ginger!
Jefferson: I dyed my hair blond!
Steuben: Ja, but I can still sense it.
Lafayette: Baron, Washington has been arrested by the French! We need your help to get him out!
Steuben: Washington has kept me out of prison before3. It’s time to return the favor! Let’s go rescue him!
[Everyone cheers as they run back towards the French camp.]
- Fun fact, in the will he wrote in 1781 he bequeathed Azor to Martha Washington. I feel like Steuben would have to be really close to someone to trust them with his dog, so now him and Martha are my new brotp.
- “He also had a tendency to live and spend extravagantly, especially on his uniforms, which were often emblazoned with epaulettes and medals of his own design.” Fuck I just realized that, when it comes to money, Steuben is basically like TJ if TJ had any fashion sense
- Steuben would’ve been arrested in France if he hadn’t gone to America to join the Army
[The inside of a dungeon is seen. Torches hang on the wall, providing light that reveals multiple cells and France’s flag hanging on the wall. There’s the sound of scuffling on the stairs off-screen. Two French guards appear, escorting Steuben into the room.]
Steuben: Hey, let me go! I’m, uh, royalty1! Yeah…
[One of the guards opens the door to a cell. They shove Steuben in. Frantic footsteps are heard on the stairs off-screen. Lafayette, Hamilton, Madison, Laurens, and Jefferson run into the room.]
Lafayette: Arretez! This is a mistake!
Guard: Ah, are you all, how do you say, friends with him?
[The guards grab our intrepid heroes and shove them into the cell as well. One slams the door shut and the other one locks it. They both walk away.]
Steuben: Well, this puts a snag in our plan.
Madison: Why did they arrest you?!
Steuben: Uh, I kinda might possibly be a tiny bit of a flaming homosexual.
Laurens: SAME! Oh, um, I meant, uh, some…one should…check to see if the door is locked.
[Jefferson tries the handle.]
Jefferson: It is.
Laurens: Good thing we checked! [chuckles nervously] So, um, you were saying?
Steuben: I was arrested back in Prussia, mein Vaterland, so I escaped to France. Then they found out, but I managed to escape imprisonment by moving to America and joining the Revolution. I guess I’m still wanted in Europe.
Madison: …So Washington hired a convict to lead his troops.
Steuben: If I’m being honest, it was one of his better decisions.
[Footsteps are heard on the stairs. Another guard walks in, patrolling the dungeon.]
Lafayette: [poking his head through the bars of the cell door] Monsieur! You have arrested the leading figures of the American government, a member of French royalty2, a member of German royalty-
Steuben: Yep, totally royal. [tugs his collar nervously]
Lafayette: -and my father!
Guard: Yeah, well, your father smells of elderberries. [points to the far corner of the cell, where Washington is drinking a bottle of wine]
Washington: [slurred] Yeah? Well, the crepes were burnt this morning! [the guard gasps and leaves in a huff] That’s what I thought!
Lafayette: [running to Washington] Pere!
Washington: [burps] Son! [embraces Lafayette] And there’s Alex! And Laurens! My other sons! [walks over and hugs them] The gang’s all here!
Madison: While that’s wonderful and all, don’t you think it’d be slightly better if the gang was, you know, not in a jail cell?
Washington: Way ahead of you! [points to the corner he was just in] See, I’ve been digging a hole to get out.
Madison: Um… there isn’t even a dent…
Washington: Well, yeah, before I escaped I wanted to have some wine. [points to the other corner of the cell, where there’s a huge pile of empty bottles] I mean, it’s free, so-
Jefferson: WAIT, we get free wine?!
Washington: Yeah, and every morning they make me crepes and omelettes for breakfast, and a couple of hours ago I had duck a l’orange for dinner…
Laurens: Wow, that sounds pretty nice. Like, nicer than outside of prison.
Jefferson: Ya think?! [grabs the bottle from Washington and takes a swig] Yeah, we’re staying here.
Madison: But don’t we have to sleep on the floor? Think of all the germs!
Washington: No, we have queen-sized beds with clean sheets and a down-stuffed comforter. [points to some nice-ass beds nearby]
Jefferson: Well, SHEEEETTTTTT! [jumps onto one of the beds] Who gives a shit about America- France is where it’s at!
- Yeah no one really knows for sure if Steuben was royal, some people say he only claimed to be a baron, but it’s also true that King Frederick Wilhelm I (who is a LITTLE BITCH that I want to PUNCH IN THE FACE) (sorry I’m bitter) agreed to be his godfather, which he only would’ve done for a family that was very high-ranking. And this has nothing to do with the story but I hate Frederick Wilhelm so here’s a true story so you can hate him too: he was Frederick the Great’s dad, and he would beat his son like every day with a cane and also he beheaded his son’s lover and forced him to fucking watch like what in the fucking fuck.
- Laf, on the other hand, was definitely royal (by blood and by marriage). However, his dad died when he was 2 and his mom moved to Paris so he was raised by his grandparents on a farm. Yes, that’s right, Laf was a country boy and probably would like tractors and Hank Williams if he were alive today.
[Everyone is sleeping in their nice-ass beds. A guard walks into the dungeon.]
Guards: Bonjour, prisoners! Rise and shine!
[They all yawn and stretch sleepily.]
Steuben: Wow, I slept better last night than I have in months.
Guard: Get dressed, and then I’ll take you all upstairs for breakfast.
Jefferson: Dressed? What’s wrong with what I’m wearing now?
Madison: Thomas, you’re in pajamas.
Jefferson: So? When I become president, I’ll greet visitors in my robe and slippers1.
Hamilton: Wha-why. Just, why.
Jefferson: Don’t hate me cuz you ain’t me, son. [throws his cover off and gets out of bed, revealing his footie pajamas] Show me the crepes, monsieur! [the guard opens the cell door and he walks out]
Hamilton: How the fuck would he ever get elected president?!
Madison: Actually, you’ll publicly support him during the election of 18002.
Hamilton: What happens then? Do I become vice president? Do I become president president?!
Madison: Um…not quite3.
- TJ’s shitty fashion sense strikes again. But I can’t really say anything because I would’ve done the same thing.
- The election of 1800 was wild from start to finish, campaigns today have nothing on it. Yes, this happened, and also Jefferson’s people told everyone Adams was a hermaphrodite and Adams’ people responded by saying that Jefferson was dead and that’s so funny to me (“Mr. Adams, why shouldn’t we vote for Jefferson?” “Because he’s fucking DEAD.” “But I saw him walking down the street like an hour ago.” “He’s DEAD!”) and also one of the losers killed a man, then tried to annex Texas and start his own empire. Those were the days.
- Burr was the aforementioned loser (ain’t that the truth) who killed Hamilton in a duel. Also, Hamilton lied to you, he didn’t shoot directly into the air he shot at a tree right over Burr’s head so Burr was low-key justified in shooting him. Like if someone shoots a bullet in the direction of my head you can bet I’d fire back.
[It’s dark. A voiceover from Adams is heard as shots of his face flash on screen.]
Adams: [voiceover] In this town, there are countless threats to citizens. Violence, arson, jaywalking, and fear are all tools used by the forces of evil here. However, innocent citizens no longer have to suffer without hope. They have a new defense. A person sworn to protect them, no matter the cost. A person unafraid of what they will face. A person who will stand up to evil. I know this because I am the person. I am…THE VICE.
[There’s the sound of someone knocking on a door. The lights come on, showing Adams standing in a bathroom.]
Charles: [from outside the door] Dad, are you okay? You’ve been in there a long time.
Adams: Go away, Charles! Stop being such a failure!
Charles: But Mom asked me to check on-
Adams: We should’ve sent you to Russia instead of John Quincy! Now leave me alone, I’m trying to do a dramatic monologue! [mutters] I’m so gonna talk about this in my diary tonight!
[The French commander is at his desk, writing a letter. A French guard comes in.]
Commander: Ah! How are our new prisoners doing?
Guard: Bonn, monsieur. They already seem at home.
Commander: Very good! It will be easy to gain their trust, non? Then we can put the rest of our plan into action.
Guard: Oh, oui, monsieur!
Commander: So what are they doing now?
Guard: We put them to work! We can use them to carry out our plan and make them help out around here as well. Like the Americans say, one bird, two stones, non?
Commander: They have an expression about bird testicles?
Guard: Oui, I know. The Americans are very…strange.
Commander: Oui. Where did you put them to work?
Guard: We picked the place where we thought they’d best fit in!
[Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and a few elementary school kids sit at a table obviously made for little kids. Madison still fits, though. The room is bright and has lots of toys, books, and drawings on the wall. There are bingo cards on the table.]
Jefferson: THE FUCK YOU MEAN YOU GOT BINGO BITCH I HAD 4 IN A ROW I FUCKING WIN.
Washington: Thomas, you’re thinking of Connect 4. You need 5 in a row to win bingo.
Jefferson: YOU THINK I GIVE A FUCK? I AM THOMAS NO MIDDLE NAME JEFFERSON. SECRETARY OF STATE, WRITER OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE, INVENTOR OF THE MUTHAFUCKIN SWIVEL CHAIR1. 5 IN A ROW MY ASS, I ACCOMPLISH MORE ON THE TOILET THAN YOU WILL IN YOUR WHOLE DAMN LIFE, YOU’D BETTER GIVE ME THE FUCKING PRIZE.
Washington: Thomas, please watch your language! We’re supposed to be babysitting these children!
Jefferson: LISTEN HOE I FUCKING WON I DON’T NEED TO WATCH MY LANGUAGE OKAY FUCK THESE MIDGETS. No offense, Jemmy.
Madison: None taken! I’m just happy to be able to sit in a chair and have my feet touch the ground.
Washington: See, Thomas, you could stand to be a little more like James!
Little Girl: It’s okay, Mr. George! Mr. Thomas can have my prize, I don’t mind!
Washington: Well that’s very kind of you!
Jefferson: The fuck you mean ‘your prize’, I fucking won.
Washington: [exasperated] Here, Thomas, take your prize. [hands Jefferson a lollipop] Now let’s do some coloring to calm down.
Jefferson: I agree, you kids are out of fucking control. [tears off his lollipop wrapper and mutters] ‘my prize’ yeah right your prize is that I don’t punch you in the fucking throat.
[In another corner of the same room, Steuben sits in a rocking chair, holding up a picture book that has different animals on each page. A group of kids, plus Lafayette, sit cross-legged on the floor in front of him.]
Steuben: All right, Kinder, can anyone tell me what animal this is?
Lafayette: Oh, oui! It’s a pig!
Steuben: Um…yes. Let’s try another one and see if you kids can get it right, like Mr. Lafayette did. [turns the page]
Lafayette: Oooh! That’s a cow!
Steuben: Lafayette, the children are supposed to answer.
Lafayette: Oui, sorry, Baron. Sometimes I get a little, how do you say, excited1.
Steuben: It’s quite all right. Now, let’s try this one. [turns page]
Lafayette: That’s a duck!
Steuben: …Okay, that’s enough reading for now. [puts down the book] Let’s practice some math. Can anyone tell me what 2+2 is?
Little boy: Isn’t it-
Steuben: [sighs] Yes, Lafayette, that’s correct.
- I just realized that I sort of did their characters backwards, Laf actually learned English really fast and apparently became fluent in a year. Steuben, on the other hand, could barely speak English, and would swear at the soldiers at Valley Forge in French and German and then ask his translator, Pierre Du Ponceau to swear at the soldiers in English for him (relatable).
[Laurens and Hamilton are in another corner of the room with a few kids. Hamilton is holding up a doll.]
Hamilton: [pointing to the doll’s head] Okay, everyone, what is this called?
Kids: A head!
Hamilton: Right! [points to its eyes] And what are these?
Laurens: Look at Mr. Alexander’s eyes, aren’t they pretty? [the kids murmur “Oui!”] They’re a nice, deep blue. [gazes into Hamilton’s eyes]
Hamilton: [looks down, flustered] Oh, well, thanks. [shakes his head and tries to focus, pointing at the doll’s nose] So, um, what’s this?
Laurens: Remember that time you wrote me a letter talking about the length of your “nose”2?
Hamilton: [suggestively] Well, you know my “nose” better than anybody… [clears his throat and points to the doll’s stomach] What’s this one?
Hamilton: Good! [points to the doll’s arm] And this?
Hamilton: [glances over at Laurens’s arms] That’s right…
[Hamilton’s eyes linger on Laurens for a moment, then looks up into Laurens’s eyes. Laurens gazes back. Both of them have completely forgotten about the kids. Laurens lifts a finger and places it on Hamilton’s lips.]
Laurens: [whispers] And what’s this?
Hamilton: [whispers back] They’re what I use to kiss you with.
[Laurens and Hamilton lean in until their lips touch. The kids scream “Ew!”. A guard runs in as Laurens and Hamilton spring apart.]
Guard: What is going on?
Hamilton: Oh, uh, we were just showing the kids some body parts.
Guard: [shocked] Quoi?!
Laurens: On the doll! He means on the doll! We were going over the names of body parts by pointing at the doll!
Guard: Children only scream like that when they see two consenting adults who are in love kissing. So where are they?!
Hamilton: Where are who?
Guard: The women!
Guard: The children saw kissing, so there must be two women in here. Where are they hiding?
Laurens: Um…do you think that maybe…we were kissing each other?
Guard: Nonsense! This is the 1780’s. Homosexuality hasn’t been invented yet!
Hamilton: …Do you know anything about ancient Rome3?
Guard: I know they had lots of wine.
Jefferson: [off-screen] WHERE’S THE WINE?!
Washington: [off-screen] Thomas, you’ve already had three bottles today.
Jefferson: [off-screen] AND YOUR POINT IS?
Guard: Okay, I think you guys have done enough babysitting. You all can start working in the kitchen.
Little Boy: Do we go?
Little Girl: I wanna go!
Little Boy: Me too!
Guard: Well, you can’t, because…you have to be at least 5’5” to work in the kitchen!
[The guard, Hamilton, Laurens, Jefferson, Lafayette, Steuben, and Washington leave the room. Madison remains seated at the table with the kids.]
Madison: Well, this is awkward.
- This guy, Fisher Ames, literally said Hamilton’s eyes “were of a deep azure, eminently beautiful” Lmfao looks like Laurens might have some competition!
- In this letter, Hamilton says “mind you do justice to the length of my nose” (NOSE = PENIS) Also can I just say that I first discovered Lams when I read that letter a couple years ago, and since that encounter my life has never known peace. The following day, snakes started manifesting in my house physically.
- Yeah in Ancient Rome they were a looooot more chill about homosexuality. And they did have a looooot of wine
[Hamilton, Laurens, Jefferson, Lafayette, Steuben, and Washington are in the kitchen, washing dishes, chopping food, etc.]
Jefferson: Hey, Hamilton!
Hamilton: [turning around] Yeah?
Jefferson: Ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuoli!
Hamilton: What- [gets hit in the face with a ravioli]
Jefferson: Ha! God, I love this place. Luxury accommodations, unlimited wine, and free pasta! [pops another ravioli into his mouth]
Steuben: That…wasn’t cooked…
Hamilton: Why are you like this?
Jefferson: Why aren’t you like this? [gestures to his lanky body, clothed in gray sweatpants and a neon orange shirt]
Hamilton: Because I’m not a piece of-
[Jefferson sees something on the counter.]
Jefferson: Ooh! A tomato!
[Everybody else gasps.]
Washington: Don’t eat it, Thomas! Tomatoes are poisonous!
[Jefferson picks it up. Everyone else gasps again.]
Lafayette: Zut alors! Don’t eat it, or you’ll die!
Laurens: Yeah, you don’t want to end up like me. Y’know, all dead and stuff.
Hamilton: [in a lowered voice] Dare you to eat it.
Jefferson: [examines the tomato] I don’t know…
Steuben: Gotten Himmel! Is it worth dying, just to show up Hamilton?
Jefferson: Well, when you put it that way… [takes a huge bite out of the tomato1]
Madison: [off-screen] NOOOOO!
[Madison sprints into the room, smacks the tomato out of Jefferson’s hand, and punches him in the throat. Jefferson spits up the tomato piece and starts coughing and spluttering.]
Hamilton: Holy fuck where did you come from?!
Madison: I was in the daycare learning about the letter C, when my anxiety senses started tingling! So I came in here to save my friend.
Jefferson: [coughing between every word] Tomatoes…aren’t…poisonous!
Madison: What’s that?
Madison: Oh, no! The poison has already spread to his brain and is causing insanity!
Jefferson: There’s no poison-
Madison: I’m so sorry, Thomas, but you’ll have to be put down. [pulls out a shotgun] This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you…metaphorically speaking, of course, I mean you’re gonna get a fucking bullet to the head. [aims the gun]
Steuben: Wait! Jefferson, what do you mean, tomatoes aren’t poisonous?
Jefferson: I mean exactly what I said, they aren’t fucking poisonous. I’ve eaten them before. I’ve cooked tomatoes into my dishes at Monticello and served it to my guests as an experiment.
Hamilton: Just because they aren’t poisonous to you doesn’t mean they’re not poisonous to other people! You could’ve killed your guests!
Jefferson: Well, all experiments have some flaw. Besides, Jemmy survived, and we all know how delicate he is.
Madison: Wait…you put tomatoes…in a meal I ate?
Laurens: Um, should we get a doctor or a stretcher or something?
Jefferson: No, no, this happens at least once a day. In fact, one day he didn’t faint, and he got so worried that he ended up fainting.
Hamilton: You know, I used to wonder why you two didn’t join the army. I can see why now2.
- Back in the day people thought tomatoes were poisonous, and TJ was like “lol watch this” and ate a tomato during a meal and everybody was just flabbergasted cause he didn’t die.
- Neither Jefferson or Madison were in the army, (let’s be real they would’ve died within a week) but Madison got frostbitten once while campaigning for Congress, and it left a scar so later he would joke and say that it was “his scar of a wound received in defense of his country”.
[Monroe is counting stacks in the cabinet building. A man walks in who looks like an egg1. Monroe glances up and sees the man.]
Monroe: Who the fuck are you?
Eggman: Who the fuck are you?
Monroe: I asked you first!
Eggman: I asked you second.
Monroe: I’m James Monroe. Revolutionary War vet. Member of the Virginia dynasty2. Founding father. [Eggman stares at him blankly] The fifth president? Leader during the Era of Good Feelings3? [Eggman continues to stare blankly] Come on! Does the Monroe Doctrine ring a bell?
Eggman: I thought John Quincy Adams wrote that.
Monroe: Okay, yeah, technically he wrote it, but he did it during my presidency!
Eggman: It’s kinda sad when someone named John Adams does more than you.
Monroe: Listen here you fukin bald egg-head, no one ask-
Eggman: I’m Aaron Burr
Monroe: Uh-huh and what exactly did you do?
Burr: I killed Alexander Hamilton.
Monroe: [taken aback] Oh…that’s-
Burr: You’re welcome.
Monroe: Yeah, I was about to say thanks. Now I won’t have to steal some of Jefferson’s migraine medicine every time Hamilton opens his mouth.
Burr: Well, I haven’t killed him yet.
Monroe: Well shit what are you waiting for?
Burr: I need a reason to do it first. Where is he, anyway?
Monroe: Oh, none of the cabinet’s been here for like a week. I think they were imprisoned by the French or something.
Burr: Are you serious?!
Monroe: Wait, no, maybe they got chlamydia.
Monroe: Wait, no, no, it was Dr. Franklin who thought he got it. I remember now, we had a cake to celebrate cause the results came back negative. Yeah, the cabinet’s in jail.
Burr: That’s terrible!
Monroe: …Why, exactly?
Burr: Who’s gonna run the country?!
Monroe: Idk, me? But I’ve been too busy with my, uh, side-business.
Burr: You are?
Monroe: Yeah, I’m not finished counting the money from last night, and I still have like 20 worker’s compensation forms to fill out. I tell you, when you hit 60, your hips start snapping like twigs.
Burr: …Excuse me?
Monroe: Course, the girls knew what they were getting into when we hired them. It’s a dangerous line of work.
Burr: [slyly] Well, if the cabinet’s MIA, you’re busy with…whatever the hell you’re doing…and we all know John Adams isn’t gonna do shit…I guess I could run the country.
Monroe: Hey, knock yourself out. You’re probably more qualified than most of the people in charge anyway.
Burr: But you don’t even know my qualifications.
Monroe: The bar is set pretty low, trust me.
Burr: Okay, well, anyway…would you happen to know any nannies nearby? If I’m gonna run the country, I’m gonna need someone to take care of my daughter.
[Theo4 walks in and stands next to Burr.]
Monroe: Is your wife sick or something?
Burr: She was.
Monroe: So is she better now?
Burr: Not exactly.
Monroe: How can you be “not exactly” better? Like you’re either sick or-
Burr: She’s fucking dead, dude5.
Monroe: Oh, yikes. Deepest sympathies.
Burr: Thank you.
Monroe: Yeah, Jefferson’s in the same boat. His daughters just hang around the cabinet building.
Burr: Is that a good arrangement?
Monroe: Of course! They’re surrounded by responsible leaders who are nothing but a good influence on them.
[Cut to Patsy and Polly sitting in the strip club while Franklin is getting a lap dance and chugging vodka. A group of old white men surround him chanting “Chug! Chug! Chug!”.]
Monroe: I’m sure your daughter can hang out with them.
Burr: [to Theo] Did you hear that, Theo? You’re gonna have some playmates! [to Monroe] What are their names?
Monroe: Hell if I know.
Burr: But you just said they hang around the cabinet building! How do you not know?
Monroe: Fuck, I don’t even think Jefferson knows their names!
- Just look at him
- Sometimes people refer to Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe as the “Virginia Dynasty” …cause they were all from Virginia. How creative.
- Monroe’s presidency was known as the Era of Good Feelings because the Federalist Party had pretty much been wiped out, so there was only one political party. And that made people feel good I guess. (Imo the people probably felt good because they knew they wouldn’t have any more of the crazy-ass founding fathers as president, but whatever.)
- Okay Theo is amazing (Technically her name is Theodosia, like her mother, but sometimes in letters Burr called his daughter Theo so I call her Theo to tell mother and daughter apart.) and Burr and Theo’s relationship is so cute they’re like Washington and Lafayette-level. Burr made sure she got the best education even though she was a woman and the day before he dueled Hamilton he wrote her a letter saying “I am indebted to you for a very great portion of the happiness which I have enjoyed in this life.” And in a letter to Burr, who was away, Theodosia Sr. (Theo’s mother) said “Your dear little daughter seeks you twenty times a day; calls you to your meals, and will not suffer your chair to be filled by any of the family." And I cry every time.
- Theodosia is also amazing and had married a British officer but she was a Patriot and let revolutionaries meet at her house, and when her husband died her and Burr got married. They were like actual OTP but she died of what was probably stomach cancer in 1794 at the age of 48. And I cry some more.
[The prison gang is in their cell.]
Laurens: I hope Mac is doing okay…
Jefferson: Yeah, I hope my daughters are okay.
Hamilton: [shocked] You have daughters?
Hamilton: You would think you would’ve mentioned them at some point.
Laurens: Yeah, I mean we were living with you like a fucking week ago, and I never saw them.
Jefferson: Well, they exist.
Lafayette: That’s so nice! What are their names1?
Jefferson: Well, there’s, um, the younger one. And the other one. You know, the older one2.
Hamilton: You don’t even know your fucking children’s names.
Jefferson: Of course I do! I’m just a little drunk. Besides, I’ve already had four kids die3, I don’t wanna get too attached to them. I’m sure my wife would know their names, but, you know. She’s kinda dead too.
Hamilton: That’s…actually really sad. I’m sorry. I know what it’s like to lose a child4. And a lover.
Laurens: He’s talking about me!
Steuben: Wait, Laurens, if you could come back as a ghost, how come Jefferson’s wife can’t?
Laurens: There’s actually a very logical explanation for that! You see, I-
Hamilton: [interrupting] Wait a second, did you say you don’t “want to get too attached” to your kids? That’s so fucked up! I can’t believe you said that!
Jefferson: [shrugs] I mean, they aren’t here to hear it.
Washington: I’m glad my children are here! [embraces Hamilton, Lafayette, and Laurens] They’re my sons, even though two of them are having sexual intercourse with each other!
Laurens: He’s talking about me!
- Jefferson had 6 legitimate kids and 2 of them, Martha who went by “Patsy” and Mary who went by “Polly” (don’t ask me how the fuck you get Polly from Mary bc idk) lived to adulthood. He also had 6 kids with Sally Hemings: Harriet, Beverley, an unnamed daughter, a second Harriet, Madison, and Eston, but he obviously wouldn’t want to mention them to people, since, y’know, they were his slaves.
- I mean he probably knew his kids’ names, but in this letter to Adams he said “present me and my daughters affectionately to mrs Adams. the younger one continues to speak of her warmly.” and I just find that funny for some reason.
- By 1785, Jane, an unnamed son, Lucy Elizabeth, and a second Lucy Elizabeth had died.
- Hamilton’s son Philip died in 1801 (also if you google ‘Alexander Hamilton children’ Eliza’s Wikipedia page is the first result and this pleases me. Like damn straight Hamilton is second to her.)
[Adams is walking down the street at night. He has a mask on and a bedsheet tied around his shoulders like a cape.]
Adams: [voice-over] It was a night like any other…on the surface. But I could feel the tension. Something sinister was lurking around the corner. There was something in the air that night. The stars were bright. Fernando.
Adams: Damn it, Washington needs to stop playing ABBA songs while he strips. My office is right next to the strip club and they get stuck in my head!
Adams: [voice-over] As I tried to shake the catchy Swedish pop song from my head, I heard a scream for help.
[An obviously sexual moan from a woman is heard.]
Adams: I must go save this citizen! [starts running]
Adams: [voice-over] As I got closer, the cries for help became more frequent.
[More moans are heard. A male’s voice is now heard, too.]
Adams: Good heavens! There are two citizens in peril now! [he reaches the end of the road. There are two huddled masses on the ground moaning loudly.] Now the villain is trying to wrestle with them! I must join the fray! [jumps into the mass]
Woman: What the fuck?!
Adams: Never fear, I am here to assist you! Where is the assailant?
Man: Dude, get the fuck out of here!
Adams: There he is! Your empty threats do not scare me! [punches the man in the face] Take that!
Man: Fuck! [blood drips out of the man’s nose. He gets up and runs away, ass cheeks visible.]
Woman: What did you just do?!
Adams: Just my civic duty, ma’am. No need to thank me! [gets up and runs into the night]
Adams: [voice-over] And so, the powers of evil suffered another blow…thanks to THE VICE.
[The prison gang is in their cell.]
Hamilton: [fidgeting] I haven’t gotten in a beef with anyone in two weeks!
Jefferson: Yeah, and I haven’t talked shit about anyone in a letter for two weeks!
Madison: [curled up in a ball on the floor] Umph-huh-ta-mrph…
Hamilton: The fuck is the midget saying?
Jefferson: He hasn’t been to the doctor in two weeks, so he thinks he’s gonna die.
Laurens: I think he may have hypochondria.
Jefferson: Hamilton fucking has it, remember that time he kept whining about how sick he was?
Hamilton: I had yellow fever!
Jefferson: No, you had “little-bitch-itis”1. You just need to stop overreacting to things.
Hamilton: You’re the one who embarrassed yourself in front of a girl you liked and had a migraine for the next two days2!
Washington: Now, stop it, you two. You can argue when we’re out of prison.
Lafayette: But pere, how will we get out?
Washington: Don’t worry, I have a foolproof plan! [goes to the cell door as a guard walks by] Let us out!
Guard: Why the, how do you say, fuck would I let you out?
Washington: Because I am innocent! I did not commit the crime I was arrested for.
Guard: Uh-huh, and what about your amies? What were they arrested for?
Washington: They were arrested for homosexuality, but I can assure you that everyone in this cell is purely heterosexual!
Steuben: [not paying attention, writing a letter] “Yesterday my dear Bill, it was a year, when you did cut your name and mine in a big tree.”3
Guard: What did he just say?
Washington: Oh, uh, noth-
Guard: Some guy carved their names into a fucking tree?
Washington: That doesn’t mean they’re gay! It’s just bros being bros, you know?
Guard: That sounds pretty damn gay to me.
Washington: No, no, you’ve got it all wrong! [to Steuben] Come on, Baron, you’re straight, aren’t you?
Steuben: [still focused on the letter] The only straight I am is a straight up bitch! [chuckles, then looks up and sees the guard] Oh, I meant, um…
Washington: He meant he’s straight!
Steuben: Yeah. Yep. I sure do love…the women. [the guard stares at him in silence] I am not attracted to men. At all. And I most certainly did not adopt two men just so they could live in my house legally4. [the guard continues to stare at him] And the reports of homosexual activities from multiple countries? They’re all false. Yeah. [the guard continues to stare at him] Oh, if there are any job openings in the French military for an officer, could you put in a good word for me? I need a new job. Don’t worry, I’m a reliable person. I’ve only been arrested three times. Well, four if you count this, but I don’t. [the guard shakes his head and walks away]
Washington: Son of a bitch5!
- The pettiness is amazing. I think TJ may have been the pettiest of all the founding fathers, and that is really saying something.
- TJ had a “Violent headache for two days after behaving awkwardly in front of a girl he fancied” This man is an absolute mess
- “Bill” is William North and yes, he really did carve their names into a tree #relationship goals
- This is actually something that is still done in modern times, and the two men he adopted were William North and Benjamin Walker.
- He swears in this story, but in real life, Washington issued an order against swearing in the Continental Army (guess it didn’t apply to Steuben, because he swore. A lot. A lot.) and there’s like one record of him swearing. According to Charles Scott, when a friend asked him if he ever heard Washington swear, Scott said “Yes, once. It was at Monmouth, and on a day that would have made any man swear. Yes, sir, he swore on that day, till the leaves shook on the trees, charming, delightful. Never have I enjoyed such swearing before or since. Sir, on that ever-memorable day, he swore like an angel from heaven.”
[Abigail, Theo, Patsy, and Polly are in a classroom. Abigail is supervising the girls as they read1. Polly2 sighs and throws her book onto her desk.]
Polly: Why do we have to learn to read?
Abigail: How else are you going to smash the patriarchy3?
Polly: But this is boring!
Patsy: I like reading.
Polly: Yeah, well, you’re a ginger4!
Patsy: This is why Dad likes me best5!
Abigail: Girls! Stop fighting!
Patsy: [mutters] It’s the truth.
Abigail: Patsy, be nice to Polly, she’s going to die tragically young6. [turns to Theo] Speaking of people who will die tragically young, how are you doing, Theo7?
Theo: Oh, I’m good. I’m reading this book my dad got me for my birthday8.
Polly: Who’s your dad?
Theo: Aaron Burr.
Polly: …Who the fuck is that?
Patsy: He’s the guy that looks like an egg that Dad likes to talk shit about Federalists with9.
Polly: Oh yeah! Doesn’t he, like, try to annex Texas to start his own empire and then get charged with treason?
Theo: [jumps up, ready to throw down for Papa Egg] LEAVE HIM ALONE! HE’S JUST MISUNDERSTOOD10!
Abigail: Girls, if you want to fight, there are plenty of other people to do it with. Plenty. In fact, I have a list.
[Polly gets up and walks over to Abigail.]
Polly: I want to see the list!
Abigail: I’ll show you right after I finish with the farm’s finances11. I have to do them, since John’s so busy with politics and being disagreeable.
Patsy: Our mom used to do the finances, too12! But that was because Dad’s horrible at it.
Theo: I thought your dad was, like, a genius.
Patsy: Let’s just put it this way: Less than a year after Mom died, he joined the millionaire club.
Theo: [shocked] Your dad’s a millionaire?!
Patsy: No, the millionaire club is when you spend a million dollars at Biscuitville. Dad said it was worth joining for the free t-shirt.
Theo: That’s…that’s not…
Polly: Yeah, he always tells us “I’m not good at math, I is good at English.”
- Abigail Adams was never formally educated, but she learned to read and write at home and went on to advocate for public education.
- Polly lived with the Adams for a little bit, and Abigail and she got really close. And Abigail said “Books are her delight”, so Polly actually liked reading.
- Abigail is the OG feminist
- Yep that there’s some red hair
- He never came out and said it, but TJ was closer to Patsy than to Polly. I think it’s partly because Polly didn’t live with him when she was really young and partly because Patsy was a lot like TJ while Polly was more like her mother.
- Polly died at age 25 from complications from childbirth, like her mother
- Theo died at age 29. She was lost at sea while heading north to visit Burr. Wanna cry? Of course you do: When people realized the boat hadn’t landed yet, all these rumors started spreading about what happened and that Theo was still alive. Burr refused to believe any of them, saying “She is dead. She perished in the miserable little pilot boat in which she left. Were she alive, all the prisons in the world could not keep her from her father.”
- Here’s the story behind the book
- Jefferson and Burr were both Democratic-Republicans, aka the opposite of Federalists.
- Theo supported her father through his series of fuck-ups and wrote letters to tons of people to try and clear his name
- Since Adams was away a lot due to his job, Abigail pretty much had to run the family farm by herself.
- One of the few remaining pieces of her handwriting is an account-book she kept at Monticello
[The prison gang is lazing around the cell, except for Steuben, who’s pacing the floor, deep in thought. Finally, he stops and snaps his fingers.]
Steuben: I’ve got a plan!
Washington: Invite 3 people from your mother’s past to your wedding in the hopes of finding your real dad so he can walk you down the aisle?
Steuben: No! My plan- wait, isn’t that the plot to “Mamma Mia”?
Washington: Yes, great musical, though I am a little disappointed that they didn’t include ‘Ring, Ring’, but I guess-
Steuben: My plan has nothing to do with any musicals, ABBA-based or not!
Washington: Then how good can it be?
Steuben: [sighs heavily] Anyway, do you all see that window, over in the corner?
Hamilton: The one that a 5-year-old couldn’t fit into? Baron, I don’t see how it can help us.
Steuben: You’re right, a 5-year-old wouldn’t fit. But we don’t have a 5-year-old. We have…MADISON!
[Dramatic zoom-in on Madison’s face.]
Madison: Uh, what?
Steuben: Someone will hold the window open, 2 people will watch for guards, and the other 3 will give you a boost. Then, you’ll run to the cabinet building and tell them about our dilemma.
Jefferson: I’m pretty sure they already know about it, they just don’t care.
Steuben: Well, it’s still worth a try.
Madison: [nervously] I don’t know, I’ve never really had to go that far by myself.
Hamilton: Are you fucking serious? What do you normally do when you have to go places?
Madison: Usually I walk with Thomas, or Dolley gives me piggyback rides1.
Steuben: Can you at least try?
Madison: [takes a deep breath] Okay, but we have to do it now, before it gets dark out.
Steuben: Okay, Lafayette and Laurens, watch out for any guards. [Laurens and Lafayette go over to the door] Jefferson, you hold the window open. [Jefferson goes over to the window] Washington, you and I will lift Madison on ‘3’. 1, 2-
Hamilton: Wait! What do I do?
Steuben: [as Washington and he grab Madison’s legs] I was going to have you help lift Madison, but I just realized you’re kinda, well, too short2.
Jefferson: [holding the window panel up] HA!
Hamilton: Shut up!
Jefferson: How are you gonna make me? You can’t reach me!
Hamilton: Like this!
[Hamilton lunges towards Jefferson’s torso, causing both of them to fall to the ground. The window slams shut, the noise attracting a guard who comes walking toward the cell.]
Laurens: Guys! Guard!
Washington: Ahh! [panicking, he throws Madison towards the window. Madison bangs his head against the glass.]
Madison: Fuck! [falls to the ground and lands on Hamilton and Jefferson, who are still scuffling]
[The guard arrives at the cell door.]
Guard: And what’s going on over here?
Steuben: [with exaggerated cheerfulness] Lovely day! Isn’t it, Lafayette?
[Steuben jabs Lafayette in the side with an elbow.]
Lafayette: [rubbing his side] Oh, oui, Baron! Muy bonn.
Steuben: Yes, it’s such a nice day that Madison here wanted to see the view. So we held him up to the window so he could see outside. That’s all.
Guard: It kinda looked like you guys were trying to escape.
Steuben: [gasps dramatically] Escape? Why, I never! We would never-how could you think that? [jabs Lafayette again] Right, Lafayette?
Lafayette: [rubbing his side again] Oui, Baron.
Madison: [still on the ground] Ow…
[The guard peers around Steuben and Lafayette at Madison, Hamilton, and Jefferson, who are still fighting.]
Guard: And what exactly are they doing?
Steuben: Uh…enjoying each other’s company? [Hamilton starts strangling Jefferson, who punches him in the mouth. Steuben steps to the side, trying to block the guard’s view.] Yep, nothing to see here! So you can go back to France…who lost the Seven Years War…
Steuben: …and the Franco-Prussian War…and the Battle of Waterloo…and-
Steuben: -Pretty much any battle against Prussia3, and-
Guard: Stop that right now, you filthy jailbird!
Steuben: [voice rising] You don’t scare me! I’d like to see how tough you’d be if there weren’t these bars between us!
[The door to the dungeon opens and the French commander marches to the cell, his shoes clacking against the ground.]
Steuben: Calling for backup, eh? Go ahead! Call for as many of your little friends as you want! Fifty of you couldn’t even take one Prussian!
Commander: [pointedly ignoring Steuben] We have just received a letter from the government back in France with instructions of what to do with you all.
Jefferson: Did it say to let us go?
Commander: Uh, no.
Steuben: [still ranting like an old man talking about how the world has gone to hell] I’ve been a prisoner before4, this is nothing! This is like being at a spa!
Commander: We were going to try and gain your trust so we could infiltrate your government and bring your country down from the inside, but… you’re all too fucking ridiculous to deal with. So, you will all be put on trial in a week’s time. And if you are found guilty-
Steuben: I was personally trained by Frederick the Great5! I survived Valley Forge! I single-handedly turned the Continental Army around! What could you possibly do that-
Commander: -Then you will all be executed.
[Everyone is stunned into silence for a moment.]
Steuben: Well, fuck.
- A guest who visited the Madisons said that Dolley “could – and did – seize his hands, draw him upon her back, and go round the room with him.” The Madisons are total relationship goals like this is a fact.
- At 5’7”, Hamilton was actually average height for back then, but he was short compared to the other people in this scene. Washington was 6’2”, Jefferson was 6’2.5”, Lafayette was probably like 5’10”-6’0”, Laurens height isn’t known, but based off this painting he looks a few inches taller than Hamilton. Steuben’s height isn’t known either, but he is next to Lafayette in the painting (they got the whole squad represented) and they look about the same height. Also you’d figure Washington would be the guy in the center of the painting, but no, it’s this random ass dude I’ve never heard of before.
- Yeah Prussia is basically known historically solely for its wars/army. Also for a very pretty shade of blue.
- Steuben was a prisoner of war during the Seven Years War.
- This article is long as fuck but I’ve read it because I’m a loser and apparently “Steuben was one of thirteen staff officers personally selected for special training in military science by King Frederick the Great” which I find precious.
[Burr stands at the front of a room full of old white men gossiping with each other.]
Burr: All right, the Senate is- hello? Everybody, listen up! [the men keep talking] HEY! [the room gets quiet] That’s better. As I was saying, the Senate is now in session. [one of the men raises his hand] Yes?
Senator 1: Uh, who the fuck are you?
Burr: I’m Aaron Burr. The cabinet is…out right now, so I’m filling in.
Senator 1: Well, when are they gonna be back? Jefferson owes me $4,532.
Burr: I don’t- wait, how much?!
Senator 2: Yeah, and he owes me $5,857 from the last time we went to Biscuitville.
Burr: What the fu- [shakes his head] I’m sorry to hear that, but I don’t know when they’ll be back. Now the first order of business is- [there’s the sound of a chips bag being opened loudly by one of the senators. Burr ignores it.] -whether disputes between people from different towns- [there’s the rustling of a candy bar being opened and then someone chewing loudly. Burr grits his teeth and continues.] -should be settled by the district court or by the court of a neutral city. Who would like to- [there’s a ‘fizz’ sound of someone opening a soda bottle. They take a large swig and let out a loud belch.] Okay, can we stop it with- [Burr is hit in the face with a crumpled up wrapper]
Senator 3: Sorry, I was aiming for the trash can.
Senator 4: The trash can? Isn’t that where your mom is?
[A chorus of ‘OOOHHH!’s come from the Senators as Burr facepalms.]
Burr: Can we focus here?
[The senators ignore him.]
Senator 3: Speaking of moms, yours had a good time with me last night!
[Another chorus of ‘OOOHHH!’s.]
Senator 5: Oh snap! [he opens up a thermos of milk and pours it into a bowl of cereal sitting on his desk. He accidentally drops the thermos, spilling milk all over the floor.] Shit!
[The senators guffaw as Burr lets out an exasperated sigh.]
Burr: That’s it, I’m banning snacks from the Senate floor! [there are groans and sounds of protests] You guys can wait until the meeting is over to eat. [Senator 6 raises his hand] Yes?
Senator 6: But looking at your egg-head makes me hungry.
[The senators burst out laughing while Burr bangs his egg-head against his desk.]
[Lunchtime at Biscuitville. A few people are eating at the booths and a couple more are standing at the counter. The door flies open.]
Jefferson: GUESS WHO’S BACK, BITCHES!
[Jefferson struts into the restaurant, followed by the other convicts. He walks up to the counter.]
Cashier: I haven’t seen you in a while, Mr. Jefferson.
Jefferson: Yeah, I was kinda in prison.
Cashier: But they let you out?
Jefferson: Oh, no, our trial is next week. We’re on bail now. And to celebrate that, I’d like to buy this whole place a round of biscuits!
Cashier: Uh…[whispers] Sir, you already have a tab of $19,852. The manager says you can’t-
Jefferson: Well, I’ll just pay that off while I’m at it! [pulls out a wad of cash and fans it out]
Cashier: Where did you get all that?!
Hamilton: When we say we’re on bail, we don’t mean we paid a bail. We mean the French paid us to leave and not come back until the trial.
Cashier: [taking Jefferson’s mad stacks] All right, well, congratulations? A round of biscuits coming right up.
[The gang sits down at a table.]
Jefferson: So how else should we celebrate our freedom?
Madison: You do realize there is a very real chance we could die-
Washington: Well, Congress is so happy we’re back that they’re throwing us a party tomorrow!
Washington: Yep! They’re going all out- there’s going to be a five-course meal, an open bar, a special performance by Cabinet Wood…
Steuben: [mutters] Bet they can’t beat my party1.
Washington: And there’s going to be all the bigwigs- the President of the Senate, all the generals from the war, the President of Congress-
Laurens: Henry Laurens2 is going to be there?
Washington: You know who the President of Congress is? LOL nerd!
Laurens: Yeah, he’s…he’s my father.
Jefferson: Wait, what? I thought Washington was your dad!
Laurens: You…seriously thought that Washington is my actual dad?
Jefferson: I mean, you challenged Charles Lee to a duel to defend Washington’s honor3. You can only do that if you’re related to the person they insult4.
Laurens: Okay, well, Charles Lee is a little bitch and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. But, yeah, Henry Laurens is my biological father. And I haven’t seen him since I, you know, kicked the bucket.
Washington: Well I’m sure this meeting can only end positively then!
Steuben: …So does this mean I have to wear pants to the party or…?
- One time at Valley Forge Steuben threw a pantless flaming shots party. This really happened. I cannot emphasize enough just how absolutely iconic this man is.
- Technically he was president of the Continental Congress, which was essentially a pre-Constitutional Congress. And he was president from November 1777- December 1778, which was before Laurens died or Washington became president so don’t ask me when this story takes place because I honestly do not know.
- This duel is so funny to me for some reason, Lee was talking shit about Washington so Laurens is like “meet me in the pit” and he chooses Hamilton as his second (cute date idea: fucking shoot a guy together) and Laurens and Lee both shoot and Lee gets hit but they both wanna go for round 2 and Hamilton’s like “uh let’s maybe calm down” so they stopped. Like…it’s kinda sad when Alexander Hamilton is being more level-headed than you.
- Course back in the day people would say that bumping into them was an insult to their honor
[Adams is walking down the street wearing his mask and cape. Charles is jogging slightly behind him, trying to keep up.]
Adams: Now, as the Vice, I always have to be prepared to protect the city from any possible threats.
Charles: What threats are-
Adams: Quiet! If the criminals hear you, then we won’t have the element of surprise on our side!
Charles: But what criminals-
[Adams stops abruptly in front of a Walgreens.]
Adams: Aha! This- [Charles skids to a stop and collides with Adams] Damn it, Charles! I’m trying to stop crime here!
Charles: I thought we were coming here to get milk.
Adams: [sighs in frustration] It’s called multi-tasking, Charles. I can pick up groceries and prevent a robbery.
Charles: [confused] But there isn’t a robbery happening.
Adams: Not yet. [presses his face against the window] See that young man in the baggy pants and the ski cap?
Charles: He’s kinda cute.
[Adams doesn’t hear.]
Adams: He’s walking awfully slow…he must be planning something fiendish!
Charles: …He’s probably walking slow because he has a broken foot. Look- he’s wearing a boot.
Adams: No doubt that’s just an attempt to throw me off his trail. [steps back from the window, which is now all fogged up] All right, I’m going in. [goes inside the store]
Charles: [jogging inside after him] Wait, are you going to get the milk first?
[The “criminal” is standing in line. Adams surreptitiously gets in line behind him. Charles stands awkwardly off to the side.]
Cashier: Next! [the criminal moves up and places a pill bottle on the counter] Your total is going to be $5.76.
Criminal: All right. [reaches into his pocket]
Adams: HE’S REACHING FOR A WEAPON!
[Adams tackles the “criminal” to the ground. Coins fall out of the criminal’s pocket and clatter onto the ground.]
Criminal: What the fuck? [Adams rolls over and lands on his broken foot] Ow! Shit, shit, shit!
Adams: The jig is up!
Criminal: What jig?!
Cashier: Um…do you two know each other?
Adams: [to the Cashier] Never fear, I have this villain subdued! [to Charles] Charles, call the cops!
Charles: But, Dad, I don’t think-
Criminal: I didn’t do anything!
Adams: I saw you reach into your pocket! You were planning to draw a weapon and rob the store at gun-point!
Criminal: …I was reaching in my pocket to pull out money. Y’know, to legally purchase this. Not to fucking rob the store.
Adams: Likely story! You- [sees the coins on the ground and realizes he’s telling the truth] Oh. Well. Um.
Cashier: [holds up the pill bottle] Do you still want to buy this?
Adams: [looks and sees the bottle, becoming confident again] Aha! You were intending to purchase drug paraphernalia!
Cashier: No, this is Aleve.
Criminal: Yeah, I was buying it cause, y’know, I HAVE A FUCKING BROKEN FOOT.
Adams: Oh. I see. I-
Criminal: THAT YOU LANDED ON.
Adams: Well, in my defense, you seemed pretty sketchy.
Criminal: What did I do that was even remotely suspicious?!
Cashier: I think this might qualify as assault.
Adams: You might think so, but, you see…
[Adams gets up and sprints out of the store.]
Charles: What about the milk?!
Hey guys! Sorry for not updating in a while, I've been dealing with some health problems. Nothing serious, just some anemia. Fortunately, I got an iron infusion a few days ago and I've been feeling better, so hopefully I'll be able to get back to updating once or twice a week. So, back to the craziness!
[Sally and Mac are sitting in front of a TV in Jefferson’s house, watching Cutthroat Kitchen. The door opens and Jefferson, Hamilton, and Laurens walk in.]
Jefferson: Sally, we’re back!
Sally: [sarcastically] Joy.
Jefferson: Have you cleaned the house?
Sally: I don’t know, have you freed our children?
Hamilton: [speechless] …Wut.
Laurens: [outraged] Your children are fucking slaves?!
Jefferson: Well, not all of them.
Hamilton: You are one fucked-up dude.
Sally: Oh, believe me, I know. I’ve been telling Mac all about him. [pats Mac’s head affectionately]
Jefferson: But you didn’t write anything down, right? I don’t want posterity to know about this.
Sally: No, I didn’t write anything down, because I CAN’T FUCKING WRITE1.
Sally: BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING SLAVE.
Sally: AS ARE YOUR OWN CHILDREN.
Jefferson: Well, at least they’re literate2.
Sally: [to Mac] Are you fucking hearing this? [Mac slowly shakes his head in disgust] I know, right? At least I have you.
Hamilton: Actually, we’ve come to take him back now, since we’re out of prison.
Sally: The fuck?! First you take my freedom, then you take my children’s freedom, now you want to take my turtle?!
Jefferson: I mean, technically he’s Laurens’s turtle, not yours.
Sally: Shut up and go write in your burn book or something, Regina George.
Jefferson: Sally! Hamilton isn’t supposed to know about that!
Hamilton: Wait, what?
Hamilton: You have a book that you talk shit about me in3?
Jefferson: [unconvincingly] Noooo… [turns and sprints to his room, then calls to Hamilton] AND I’M DEFINITELY NOT HIDING SAID BOOK RIGHT NOW!
Hamilton: …Yeah, I don’t care. [to Laurens] Let’s get our stuff and go. Like we were going to do a few weeks ago, before we got arrested.
Laurens: [to Sally] Listen, Mac looks like he likes you a lot…what do you say about sharing custody?
Sally: [considers this] That…might actually work. [picks up Mac gingerly and hands him to Laurens] I suppose it’s your turn, since I’ve had him for the past few weeks.
Laurens: Mac! [embraces Mac] You’re finally going to get to see our new house, buddy! [to Sally] Thanks for taking such good care of him. I’ll bring him back here in a few days for your turn with him.
Sally: You know, Laurens, you’re the nicest white person I’ve met. Shame you’re, you know…
Sally: I was going to say ‘from South Carolina’, but yeah, that too4.
- It isn’t known if Sally was literate or not, but she didn’t leave any written records and literacy for slaves was viewed as a threat against slavery, so I’d wager that she wasn’t.
- Madison was literate, there are multiple documents with Eston’s signature, and Beverly and Harriet both lived as white people once they left Monticello, so it’s more likely that they would be literate than if they had remained slaves.
- TJ had this thing called “Anas” (apparently an anas is a “collection of miscellaneous information”, but I think he’s just trying to subtly call Hamilton an asshole.) that was a collection of his private notes from when he was Secretary of State, and as you’d expect it is full of saltiness. I found a full version online and searched “Hamilton”, and there are some absolute gems. He says that Hamilton’s financial system served “as a machine for the corruption of the legislature” and that he was “bewitched and perverted by the British example”. But don’t worry, he doesn’t just insult Hamilton. Here’s another quote from him: “Knox subscribed at once to Hamilton's opinion that we ought to declare the treaty void, acknowledging, at the same time, like a fool as he is, that he knew nothing about it.” In conclusion, the Anas is the only primary source that matters.
- So Laurens was from Charleston, South Carolina, and Hamilton was from the island of Nevis in the West Indies…specifically the city of Charlestown on the island of Nevis. If that isn’t a fucking sign then I don’t know what is.
[Burr is sitting at a table in the cabinet building, writing a letter. Various letters, reports, and a giant map of Mexico1 are spread out in front of him. Washington walks in the room.]
Washington: Hey, do you- wait, you aren’t one of my sons2!
[Burr looks up, startled. Seeing that it’s Washington, he frantically tries to hide his papers.]
Burr: Oh, yeah, I’m just, um…
Washington: What’s this? [picks up the map of Mexico] There’s a huge part circled…and there’s a handwritten note! [reads the note out loud] “part to annex”.
Burr: It’s not what it looks like!
Washington: Really? Because it looks like you’re planning to commit treason, create your own private army, annex Mexico, and start your own empire3.
Burr: Uh… [Washington looks at Burr expectantly] Um… [Burr feigns surprise] Oh, does it say “part to annex”? I meant to write “part to vacation in”!
[Washington stares him down for a moment. Burr gulps nervously.]
Washington: [cheerfully] An honest mistake! [sets the map down] Anyway, I came to here to ask what the dress code is for tonight.
Burr: [surprised that his shitty lie worked] Oh, I think it’s black-tie.
Washington: …So does that mean pants?
Burr: Yeah, like, you know, dress pants. What kind of pants were you planning on wearing?
Washington: Would that be okay?
Burr: No, I-I’m pretty sure you have to wear pants.
Washington: Sure like “I personally am going to wear pants” or sure like “I know multiple people who are going to wear pants”?
Burr: Sure like 100% sure you need to wear pants.
Washington: [sighs disappointedly] All right, thanks. I guess I’ll go and tell the guys.
[Washington walks out of the room. Burr shakes his head and starts writing again. There’s a moment of silence.]
Jefferson: [off-screen] DAMN IT!
- Burr’s plan was to annex part of Mexico and the Southwestern U.S. and then…God knows what. The whole thing is so funny to me because it’s like Burr is just acting sketchy as fuck and he goes down to Texas and he’s like “uh yeah I’m just here for my land that I leased from the Spanish” and then he said his plan was to capture Washington, D.C. Then Jefferson ordered that everyone involved with the conspiracy get arrested, but Burr was acquitted for lack of evidence.
- For some reason Washington and Burr had beef with each other. Like originally Burr was GDubs’ aide, but then Burr asked to switch jobs and also he supported Charles Lee while he was fucking up the Battle of Monmouth/talking shit about GDubs/getting shot by one of GDubs’ sons, and years later John Adams recommended Washington appointing Burr as a brigadier-general and GDubs was like “fuck no”.
- In real life, the Burr treason thing occurred during Jefferson’s presidency (which makes it ten times funnier, since Burr was literally vice president while it was happening) but who knows what timeline this story takes place in.
[A bunch of old white people are in a ballroom. Hamilton is standing in the middle of the room, wine glass in hand. Laurens is fidgeting nervously next to him.]
Hamilton: Do you want a drink? Would that calm you down?
Laurens: [tugging at his collar] Not really.
Hamilton: What exactly are you so worried about? He’s your dad. He’ll be thrilled to see you.
Laurens: I just-
[Laurens is interrupted by a commotion at the door. Four men are carrying a sedan chair into the room. They lower the chair onto the ground. Franklin gets out, wearing a coonskin cap and carrying a pimp cane1.]
Franklin: BIG BEN IS IN THE HOUSE! [the room cheers. Franklin walks over to Hamilton and Laurens.] So how was the hoosegow?
Hamilton: Really, really fucking nice.
Franklin: Yeah, that’s what the convicts who carry my sedan chair say2! [sees the drink in Hamilton’s hand] Where did you get that?
Hamilton: Over there. [points to the bar]
Franklin: Well, good seeing you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, gentlemen. [heads over to the bar]
Hamilton: So, Laurens, you were saying?
[Jefferson and Madison walk up.]
Jefferson: Well, well, well, if it isn’t my arch-nemesis.
Hamilton: What, are you surprised to see me?
Jefferson: Yes. I thought you’d be off having an extra-marital affair or something.
Hamilton: Hahaha FUCK YOU.
Jefferson: Anyway, while you’ve been standing here getting inebriated, we [gestures to Madison and himself] have been hard at work.
Hamilton: At what, being a tremendous douche?
Madison: We’ve been talking to people, trying to find a lawyer to represent all of us next week.
Hamilton: Well, have you found anyone good?
Jefferson: Idk. Jemmy’s the one who’s been talking to everyone.
Hamilton: [sarcastically] Wow, I guess I really am just a lazy sack of shit compared to you.
Jefferson: I don’t like social situations3! I am extremely uncomfortable right now!
Laurens: [mutters] Fucking same.
[Jefferson notices Lauren’s expression.]
Jefferson: Laurens, you look really pale.
Laurens: …I’m a ghost.
Jefferson: Yeah, but, like, pale for a ghost.
Laurens: It’s just that-
[Laurens is interrupted by another commotion at the door. Jingle bells and the ‘clip-clop’ of horses’ hooves are heard. Two horses wearing bells pull a sleigh into the room. Steuben is sitting in the sleigh wearing a fur-trimmed silk robe with Azor curled up on his lap.]
Steuben: [getting out of the sleigh] GUTEN TAG, BITCHES! [the room cheers again]
Madison: Wow, that’s an elaborate entrance, even for a fancy party!
Hamilton: This is exactly how he arrived at Valley Forge4.
Madison: Weren’t you all like freezing and starving and-
Laurens: [seeing someone else coming in the door] FUCK! [turns and sprints toward a throng of people, disappearing in the crowd]
Jefferson: Well that was weird.
Hamilton: That must be his dad. Is he coming over here?
Jefferson: Am I gonna have to talk to him?
Hamilton: Please don’t.
Madison: Come on, let’s go try to find a lawyer.
Jefferson: By that, do you mean you’ll talk to people and I’ll pet Azor?
Madison: [shakes head] Sure.
[Madison and Jefferson walk away as Henry Laurens approaches Hamilton.]
Henry: Hi, I’m looking for my son. His name’s John Laurens, do you know who he is?
Hamilton: Yeah, I was in the army with him. I’m Alexander Hamilton.
Henry: Oh, I remember you5! You’re John’s friend.
Hamilton: Yeah, that’s one word for it.
Henry: Do you know where Jack ran off to?
Hamilton: Who the fuck is Jack?
Henry: That’s what we call John sometimes. Family nickname6.
Hamilton: I didn’t know you call him that. [thinks for a moment] Actually, now that I think about it, he doesn’t really talk about his family a lot.
Henry: [casually] Oh, that’s probably just because he feels guilty since his little brother died because of him7.
Hamilton: Oh, okay. [pause] Wait, what the fuck?!
Henry: Or because he got a woman pregnant out of wedlock and had to marry her so he wouldn’t shame the family name8.
- While he was an ambassador in France, Franklin would wear a coonskin cap to make the French think that the colonists were quaint and down-to-earth. Since the French were starting to get tired of the opulence and excessiveness that was the standard back then, it helped increase Franklin’s popularity.
- Near the end of his life, Franklin’s gout was so bad that he was carried around in a sedan chair by four convicts, and honestly? Goals. Except for the whole gout part.
- TJ was extremely shy, hated public speaking so much that he only gave two speeches during his presidency, and modern-day psychiatrists have diagnosed him with social phobia.
- “Von Steuben showed up in a grandiose sleigh (sporting 24 jingling bells) pulled by black Percheron draft horses. The Baron was wearing a robe of silk trimmed with fur, all the while petting his miniature greyhound, Azor, who was curled up on his lap.” Look me in the eye and tell me that is not the most iconic entrance you’ve ever heard of.
- As far as I know, they never met in person, but Hamilton and Henry Laurens wrote each other a few times, so they did know of each other.
- His family called him Jack, but I’ve never seen anyone else call him that. In fact, in all of his letters to him, Hamilton never even refers to him as John.
- So Henry sent Laurens and his two younger brothers to England to get an education, and Henry was basically like “Aight now you’re in charge of these two”. And Laurens really, really took this seriously. After a while, he felt that his brother James (who went by Jemmy, like Madison) wasn’t getting enough attention at school since the headmaster had a stroke, so Laurens started looking into all of the private schools in the area and like visited them and checked them out while trying to make sure that Jemmy didn’t fall too behind in his schooling. When he finally decided on a school, he went to write Henry a letter, and while he was doing that Jemmy was messing around outside and tried to jump from a railing to a windowsill. He fell and fractured his skull, and died the next day. Henry wrote Laurens saying that he didn’t blame him, but then said “If in aught you have been remiss, your own reflections will be too severe. Henceforth take heed.” Which…kinda makes it sound like he’s saying Laurens did something wrong.
- Laurens married Martha Manning in 1776, most likely because she was kinda five months pregnant and Laurens had an unhealthy obsession with honor and not bringing shame to the family name. Laurens wrote his uncle and said, “Pity has obliged me to marry” and kinda acted like he didn’t even like her, but they were apparently friends before the whole unplanned pregnancy/hasty marriage thing happened, which makes me think that he started to resent her since he felt like he had to marry her. Let this be a cautionary tale, kids. Always wrap it up, so you don’t start hating your friends for no good reason. Anyway, Laurens was married before he even met Hamilton, and Hamilton didn’t find out until 1779. And he didn’t even find out from Laurens, he found out from this guy who gave him some letters from Martha to send to Laurens. So yeah, that probably was a bit of a shock to Hamilton, but the one good thing about this is that it inspired Hamilton to write a letter to Laurens talking about how big his dick is.
[Dolley stands in the middle of the ballroom, chatting with a bunch of people. Eliza walks into the room. Seeing her, Dolley excuses herself and runs over.]
Dolley: Eliza! I’ve been waiting for you1.
Eliza: [pretending to sound offended] Excuse me, where is your kerchief2?
Dolley: [pointing to a corner of the room] Over there, along with all of the fucks I give.
[Eliza laughs and hugs Dolley.]
Eliza: So what have you been up to lately?
Dolley: Well…that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.
Eliza: Oh, no. Did something happen with Payne?
Dolley: No, no, he’s fine. In fact, he’s been working really hard on his studies lately!
[Cut to Payne, who is making it rain on some of the Cabinet Wood ladies while Franklin, Jefferson, and Monroe throw back some shots nearby3.]
Eliza: Then what’s wrong?
Dolley: [stalling] Wellllll…. [spots Burr and waves him over, happy for the distraction] Hey, Burr4! How’s it going?
[Burr walks over to them.]
Burr: [to Dolley] Hey, Dolley! [to Eliza, formally] Eliza.
Eliza: [coldly] Burr.
Dolley: [looking between Eliza and Burr] Oh, do you two…know each other?
Burr: Yes, we know each other. I hope you’re doing well, Eliza.
[Eliza leans in towards Dolley, as if she’s about to tell her a secret.]
Eliza: [speaking at a normal volume] I don’t trust him.
Burr: …Um, I can hear you…
Dolley: [leans in towards Eliza, also speaking at a normal volume] Why not?
Eliza: [still leaning in] I don’t know, he just seems sketchy.
Burr: I…can hear…
Dolley: [still leaning in] Of course he seems sketchy, everyone from New Jersey does5.
Dolley: [still leaning in] But don’t worry, once you get to know him you find out he isn’t really sketchy.
Eliza: [still leaning in] Maybe to you, but I can totally see him, like, killing someone or something.
Burr: Seriously, I’ve been hearing both of you this whole time.
Eliza: [standing up straight] Well, what are you gonna do about it6?
Burr: According to you, I’m gonna kill someone.
Dolley: [laughs nervously and clasps her hands together] SOOO, Burr, how’s Theo?
Burr: She’s good. She’s been hanging out with Jefferson’s kids.
Dolley: That’s good. They’ve been having a hard time lately, what with their only parent being in prison.
Burr: Yeah, I was wondering who’s been taking care of-
Eliza: [interrupting] What about you, Dolley? You were going to tell me what’s going on.
Dolley: [sighs] Well, uh, speaking of sketchy-ass people from New Jersey…you know how you told me I should stop playing cards so much7?
Dolley: Let’s just say I probably should’ve listened to you…
- After Hamilton died, Eliza moved to D.C. and became close friends with Dolley.
- Dolley was raised Quaker, and so was raised wearing really modest clothing. When she was kicked out of the faith after marrying Madison (who wasn’t Quaker), she started wearing more stylin’ clothes, and there’s a story where she saw someone she recognized from her old meetinghouse without his hat, so she asked him where his hat was, and he asked her where her kerchief was.
- Payne was Dolley’s son from her first marriage, and her only surviving child. He grew up to be an alcoholic with a gambling addiction that made Dolley practically bankrupt. She only realized how bad his issues were after Madison died, because Payne usually asked Madison for money, and Madison didn’t want to tell her since he knew it would upset her.
- Dolley and Burr became friends after Burr stayed at her mother’s boarding house, and Burr went on to introduce Dolley to Madison. (Tbh I think this was one of the two best things he did in his life. The other thing is fall in love with someone else’s wife.)
- For the longest time I thought Burr was from New York…but no…he’s from Newark…so now I’m gonna make fun of him even more. Even though half of my family is from New Jersey. Burr’s just really easy to make fun of.
- Apparently as a kid, Eliza was “strong-willed and impulsive”, so now I just really want to see Burr and her fight. I think if she took Burr by surprise, like just jumped him behind and caught him off-guard, she could win.
- Dolley loved playing cards.
[Charles is standing awkwardly by himself in a corner of the ballroom, staring into his glass forlornly. The boy who Adams assaulted the day before is across the room. Charles glances up, sees the boy, and stares at him for a minute in shock. Steuben walks up to Charles, Azor in tow.]
Steuben: And what is your name, my boy?
Charles: [startled] Oh, uh, Charles. Charles Adams. Who are you?
Steuben: I’m your fucking fairy godmother1.
Steuben: I saw you eyeballing Mr. Mulligan over there. [points to the boy]
Charles: [flustered] What? I- no- I don’t- that’s illegal!
Steuben: It’s all right, your secret’s safe with me. Right, Azor? [Azor sniffs Charles’ hand and lets out a bark]
Charles: There’s no secret! I’m not- like that.
Steuben: Please. I see how you’re looking at him. I’m not new to this, Washington and I have already set a couple up. [points at Hamilton and Laurens, who are arguing with each other]
Charles: [squints at Laurens] Is one of them…dead?
Steuben: [waves his hand] Yeah, but I’m sure this time neither of you will die prematurely2! [grabs Charles by the shoulders and starts guiding him over to Mulligan]
Charles: Wait, I’m not- I don’t know what to say!
Steuben: I already know John, he’s easy to talk to. Just be yourself.
[Mulligan looks up and sees Steuben and Charles heading towards him.]
Mulligan: Hey, Baron!
Steuben: John, there’s someone I’d like you to meet. Charles, John Mulligan. John, Charles Adams.
Charles: [shyly] Hi.
Mulligan: [looks at Charles closely] Wait, weren’t you with that guy yesterday? The one who-
Charles: Yeah, that was my dad. He’s- we’re not…really…close.
Mulligan: Yeah, me neither. Steuben’s been kinda like a dad to me3.
Steuben: It’s true. Between me and Washington, we’ve adopted about two-thirds of the country4. Speaking of Washington, I need to go talk to my fellow convicts to see what we’re going to do for the trial next week. I trust you two will get along famously.
[Steuben and Azor walk away.]
Charles: So, um, how’s your foot?
Mulligan: Eh. It’s doing better today.
Charles: How did you break it?
Mulligan: …I don’t want to say.
Charles: Why not? Were you, like, doing something illegal?
Mulligan: No, it’s just kinda embarrassing. I don’t want to sound like a loser in front of you.
[Mulligan blushes and looks down, as if he didn’t plan on admitting that.]
Charles: Don’t worry, I’m not gonna think you’re a loser.
Mulligan: Okay, fine. I fell off a horse, and it stepped on my foot.
Charles: The same thing happened to me when I was ten!
Mulligan: Wow, that’s like…a sign or something.
Charles: A sign?
Mulligan: Yeah, like…I don’t know. [shakes his head] Um, have you seen the ice sculpture by the dessert table? It’s really cool.
Charles: No, I’ve kinda been just hanging out in the corner this whole time.
Mulligan: You should come see it. It’s over here.
[Mulligan starts walking over to a huge ice sculpture across the room. Charles follows him. As they’re walking, Charles glances over and catches Steuben’s eye for a second. Steuben winks at him. Charles smiles.]
- Aight so everything that happened was, just like everything else in the universe, because of John Adams. He had Charles become Hamilton’s law clerk in order to keep Charles on the straight and narrow/spy on Hamilton for him. Since he was living with Hamilton, naturally Charles met some of Hamilton’s friends, including Steuben (and presumably Azor) and Hercules Mulligan…along with his son, John Mulligan. Him and Charles began living together, and Adams and Abigail became concerned about how close the two of them were. They tried to separate them, so Mulligan and Charles wrote to Steuben (and Hamilton was the one who delivered the letter, which makes me laugh because I guarantee at least part of the reason why he was helping them was to piss off John Adams) who invited them to come stay with him. So they moved in with him and everything was groovy except that Charles left a while later and Steuben died totally bankrupt and Charles became an alcoholic and died at age 30 and Mulligan became a lawyer. Honestly, they all had terrible, terrible fates. Shit, Hamilton was barely involved and he ended up getting killed by a former friend at age 49. All things considered, I still think Steuben was a cooler fairy godmother than the one in Cinderella.
- See it’s funny because Charles does.
- Okay I don’t really know what his relationship with his dad was like since THERE’S NO INFORMATION ABOUT JOHN (seriously if you google ‘John Mulligan’ it just gives you stuff about some Target dude) (Oooh I’m gonna have Mulligan work at Target later on, so I guess thanks, lack of information, for that idea) but he thought of himself as one of Steuben’s sons. Considering how Steuben was banging his other two adopted sons, it raises the question of whether Mulligan thought of him as his father…or as his daddy. It also raises the question of why the hell do I know so much about the founding fathers’ sex lives.
- I will never not think of the Continental Army as one big ridiculous family with Steuben and Washington as its two long-suffering dads.
[Laurens is crouching awkwardly, trying to hide next to a group of people talking loudly. Hamilton comes barreling over, extremely pissed off.]
Hamilton: LAURENS WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!
Laurens: Shh! I’m over here, Hamilton. [waves Hamilton over]
Hamilton: [spotting Laurens] Look! If it isn’t my BEST. FUCKING. FRIEND.
Laurens: Uh…are you okay?
Hamilton: JUST PEACHY. NOW, WAS THERE SOMETHING YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME, JOHN?!
Laurens: …Did you just call me John?
Hamilton: What, am I not allowed to call you that? Is it because THAT’S WHAT YOUR WIFE CALLS YOU?!
Laurens: [closes his eyes and exhales] Fuck.
Hamilton: YEP! ‘FUCK’ IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID TO YOUR WIFE! WHO YOU MARRIED! AND HAD A CHILD WITH! AND DIDN’T TELL ME ABOUT!
Laurens: [opens his eyes and takes a deep breath] I can explain-
Hamilton: EXPLAIN WHAT, YOU [BLEEP]ING PIECE OF [BLEEP]! YOU’RE A [BLEEP] [BLEEP] AND A LITTLE [BLEEP] WHO [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] AND YOU OUGHTA [BLEEP] YOUR [BLEEP] UNTIL [BLEEP] AND THEN GO [BLEEP] A [BLEEP] [BLEEP] SO THAT YOU CAN [BLEEP] A [BLEEP] AND TAKE A [BLEEP] AND [BLEEP] IT UP YOUR [BLEEP] [BLEEP], YOU ABSOLUTE [BLEEP]ING [BLEEP]!
[The entire room has gone silent, everyone’s mouth agape. Laurens stares at Hamilton with a mixture of guilt and shock. Hamilton flips him the bird and storms off.]
Laurens: [calling after Hamilton] Wait! Just let me-
Hamilton: [passing by Henry] HE’S RIGHT OVER THERE, HENRY! GO AHEAD AND TALK TO HIM!
[Laurens groans and puts his head in his hands. Henry walks over to him.]
Henry: Jack! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!
Laurens: [slowly lowering his hands] Hi, Dad.
Henry: How have you been? Have you been studying law?
Henry: It’s okay if you haven’t. I mean, I would disown you and you would be totally dead to me, but it’s fine if you haven’t1.
Laurens: [sighs] Yes, I’ve been studying law.
Henry: Your friend, Hamilton, seemed very upset. What was that about?
Laurens: Actually, Dad, he’s…he’s kinda…my…partner.
Henry: [oblivious] Oh, your law partner? You’ve already started a firm? That’s great2!
Laurens: Yeah. That’s exactly what I meant.
Henry: I just had a great idea! Since you already have such a promising law career, you should be the one to represent all of your friends next week at your trial!
Laurens: I don’t-
Henry: Unless of course you’re lying to me and you haven’t been studying law.
Laurens: [forces a smile] Oh, no, I agree completely. It is a great idea. Now, if you’ll excuse me for a minute.
[Laurens walks out of the room, down the hall and out the doors, sits down, takes a deep breath, and screams at the top of his lungs.]
- “if he enters upon the plan of Life which he Seemed to pant for when he wrote the 5th. July, I Shall give him up for lost…he must have his own way & I must be content with the remembrance, that I had a Son.” -quote from Henry Laurens, FUCKING FATHER OF THE YEAR. “Oh, my son seems interested in medicine and not law? Well guess now he’s my ex-son.” I have a list of people I’m gonna fight in the afterlife, and Henry Laurens is the second one on it.
- It’s pretty obvious that Henry didn’t know about his son’s sexuality, since, when Laurens was 13, he said this in a letter to someone: “Master Jack is too closely wedded to his studies to think about any of the Miss Nanny’s”. Like, yes, Henry, Laurens is a nerd, but there might be a different reason why he hasn’t shown any interest in girls by age 13.
- I don’t have another source to add I just want to reiterate how much I wanna punch Henry Laurens in the face.
[Hamilton storms into the bathroom, seething.]
Hamilton: THAT MOTHERFUCKING FUCKER! [starts shattering all of the mirrors with his bare fist] FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM!
Jefferson: Could you keep it down? You’re scaring the dog.
[Hamilton turns around and sees Jefferson sitting in a chair, petting Azor who is in his lap.]
Hamilton: [takes a deep breath and shrieks] AAAAAHHHHH!
Jefferson: [covering Azor’s ears] Um…are you…gonna make it? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this angry. And I’ve seen you pretty damn angry.
Hamilton: [grabs a potted plant off of a stand and hurls it to the ground] I HATE everybody and I HATE everything and I HATE life and I especially HATE JOHN FUCKING LAURENS! [kicks the shards of the broken pot across the bathroom]
Jefferson: [cautiously] What…exactly…happened?
Hamilton: [turning back to the shattered mirrors] What is going to happen is I’m going to slit your fucking throat if you don’t shut up!
Jefferson: At the risk of getting my throat slit, I’m going to ask again: what happened?
Hamilton: Why the fuck do you want to know? So you can rub it in my face every day from now on?
Jefferson: No, I want to know because I’m seriously trying to think of what Laurens would ever do to you that would make you this upset.
[Hamilton slowly turns around.]
Jefferson: Like, it’s one thing for me to do something to make you this angry. But Laurens? He loves you.
[Hamilton winces at this.]
Hamilton: No. He doesn’t.
Jefferson: [eyebrows scrunched up in confusion] What do you mean? Of course he does.
Hamilton: [in an uncharacteristically quiet voice] Then why didn’t he tell me he has a wife and a kid?
Jefferson: [taken aback] Holy fu- [composes himself] Well...I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t tell you because he didn’t want to upset you.
Hamilton: Well, what about when I found out?! Didn’t he think that would be slightly upsetting?
Jefferson: I mean. You’ve made some dumb-ass decisions before. I didn’t say it was the smartest thing to do, but maybe it’s what he thought was best.
Hamilton: [sighs] I wish I’d never met him.
Jefferson: [pets Azor thoughtfully] “We have no rose without it’s thorn; no pleasure without alloy.1”
Jefferson: So, right before I joined the cabinet, I was in France-
Hamilton: Pretty sure everyone already knows, you talk about France so much.
Jefferson: Pretty sure I’m trying to fucking help you through your fucking existential crisis! Anyway, while I was in France, I met this woman. Maria Cosway2. In all of my years over there, the best days I had were the ones I spent with her. Every place we went seemed ten times better just because of her presence. Even now, I…I still love her.
Hamilton: What happened?
Jefferson: She was only visiting Paris. She lived in Italy, so she had to go back. Leaving me in France, feeling like someone was stabbing me in the heart. Probably the same way you’re feeling right now.
Hamilton: [hugging his arms to his chest] Yeah.
Jefferson: The night before she left, I couldn’t even sleep, I was so upset. The next day, after we say goodbye, I realized something. The best way to avoid pain is to simply withdraw from everybody. Only rely on yourself for happiness.
Hamilton: So you’re saying I should just never talk to Laurens again?
Jefferson: That would be the sensible thing to do. [pause] But when I remember the time I spent with Maria, I realize that it’s worth all of the pain I’ve felt. I would trade an entire life of hiding from feelings for just one moment I spent with her. Besides, she promised to write, so I always have her letters to look forward to, and that’s enough to get me through the day. After all, hope is sweeter than despair.
[Hamilton is silent for a moment.]
Hamilton: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…you’re right, Jefferson.
[The story from now on is a few degrees colder since hell has frozen over.]
Jefferson: Then you know what to do.
[Hamilton nods, takes a deep breath, and walks out of the bathroom with new resolve.]
Jefferson: Well, Azor, we’ve hid out here long enough. Let’s go back to the party. [Azor has fallen asleep on Jefferson’s lap] Azor? [Jefferson bounces a leg to try to wake him up. It doesn’t work] Azor! [Jefferson gives him a gentle shove. Azor growls and continues sleeping] Uh, Hamilton? HAMILTON! [no response] HELLO? ANYONE? HELP? [silence. Jefferson sighs] Fuck.
- This scene is basically me paraphrasing TJ’s “head and heart” letter. Pro tip: If you ever wanna plagiarize someone, plagiarize someone who’s dead so they can’t sue you. Also, can we take a moment to acknowledge the fact that he wrote over 4000 words with his nondominant hand on no sleep? Like I can’t even get a guy to text me back.
- Maria Cosway is actually life and I don’t blame TJ for being so damn thirsty for her. Half of her siblings were killed by their crazy nanny, she married a guy who forbade her from painting and she was like “nah bro”, made friends with people like John Trumbull and Angelica Schuyler Church, and opened a college for girls.
[Lafayette walks into the ballroom. Burr approaches him.]
Burr: Mr. Lafayette! Good to see you.
Lafayette: Oh, good to see you, Mr…um…uh… [coughs]. Yeah. How are you?
Burr: I’m fine. So, uh, if you don’t mind me asking, how do you feel about our president?
Lafayette: [brightly] Washington is my pere! He’s one of my best friends1!
Burr: I see. So I’m guessing that you wouldn’t be interested in joining my private army to commit treason against him and start a new empire?
Burr: Nothing nothing I didn’t say anything. Oh, look at the time, I think I hear my mother calling2.
[Burr runs off as Washington walks up, perturbed.]
Washington: Lafayette! Have you seen Thomas anywhere?
Lafayette: No, I just got here. Is he missing?
Washington: Yeah, he just disappeared! And he’s not the only one.
Steuben: [bellowing] WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FUCKING DOG?!
Lafayette: Azor, too?!
Washington: Yeah, uh, there’s more. We don’t know where Laurens or Alex went after…well…
Lafayette: After what?
[Steuben stomps over.]
Steuben: ONE OF THE BITCH-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS IN THIS DAMN ROOM HAS STOLEN MY FUCKING DOG AND I AM SO FUCKING ENRAGED I MIGHT JUST STEAL THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FROM THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!
Washington: Baron, you’ve already done that3.
Steuben: Oh yeah. I AM STILL EXTREMELY ANGRY! And on top of MY DOG BEING FUCKING DOGNAPPED, one of my OTPs broke up tonight!
Lafayette: Wait, who broke up?
Washington: Well, we don’t know for sure if-
Steuben: Hamilton and Laurens!
Lafayette: [shocked] WHAT THE FUCK?!
[Steuben and Washington are stunned for a moment.]
Steuben: Did-did you just fucking swear3?
Lafayette: I can’t believe they broke up!
Washington: They didn’t say they were breaking up, but-
Steuben: Bitch, they definitely broke up. Did you hear Hamilton go off?
Washington: Yeah, I think the whole room did.
Hamilton: [walking up] Did someone say my name?
Steuben: Oh, uh, no, we weren’t talking about-
Lafayette: [grabbing Hamilton’s shirt] WHAT THE FUCK, ALEX?!
Hamilton: [shocked] Did you just…swear?
Lafayette: I will not stand idly by while you throw away one of the purest relationships I have ever seen!
Hamilton: What, you and Washington?
Lafayette: No, you and Laurens!
Hamilton: I wouldn’t exactly call us pure, I mean we bang, like, every day.
Lafayette: Be that as it may, you two need to work out whatever problems you’re having!
Washington: Yeah, what exactly happened?
Hamilton: Let’s just say that I’m not the only one cheating on my wife.
Steuben: Laurens has a wife?!
Hamilton: And a kid.
Lafayette: [hand held to his chest in shock] Sacre blue!
Washington: And he didn’t tell us?! [gasps] I have a grandchild he didn’t even tell me about! I am going to have a talk about this with him!
Hamilton: Yeah, you can probably see why I was upset with him. I still am. But, I’ve decided that our love is stronger than my anger. So I came back here to talk to him. [looks around] Where is he, anyway?
Steuben: We thought he went after you.
Hamilton: No, I’ve been in the bathroom, talking with Jefferson…and Azor.
Steuben: Wait, Jefferson’s the one who took Azor?
Steuben: THAT RED-HEADED SON OF A BITCH4! [storms away to go retrieve his dog]
Hamilton: So you guys don’t know where Laurens is? [Washington and Lafayette shake their heads] Shit! What if he’s in trouble somewhere? What if he gets himself in a dangerous situation?
Washington: Don’t worry, I’m sure he won’t do anything rash!
Hamilton: …Are we talking about the same Laurens5?
- “Happy, ten times Happy will I Be in Embracing My dear General, My father, My Best friend” In case there’s anyone who thinks that I am exaggerating Lafayette and Washington’s relationship in the slightest- I am not. Laf literally calls Washington “my dear General” 15 times in this letter alone. Also in this letter, Laf capitalizes the “c” in “America”; proposes a plan to buy some land, free some slaves, and give the land to them; and is pretty much one of the most endearing people ever, and certainly out of the founding fathers.
- Burr must have really good hearing, cause his mom died in 1758 when Burr was 2.
- So idk if it technically counted as stealing, but what happened was Steuben was owed $8,500 for his military service. Congress moved to give him $10,000 instead, basically his dues with a little “thank you for saving our asses” bonus, but the movement never passed (See even back then Congress sucked). So they just told him aight just take some money from the treasury. I don’t know if they told him he could take whatever he wanted or if they set a limit or if they saw how much he took and then cut him off, but the facts are (a) he was owed $8,500, and (b) between 1783 and 1785 he withdrew $26,000 from the US treasury. He took more than 3 times what he was owed and honestly? Goals. Scamming the US government before there even is a US government.
- In every source I have read from/about Lafayette, I have never seen him swear. (as opposed to certain other Europeans in the Continental Army who are in this story…)
- This is quoted directly from a primary source written during TJ’s presidency. It was written after he passed the (obviously) unpopular Embargo Act, which was supposed to hurt Britain’s and France’s economy so much that they would stop forcing American sailors into their armies. Instead, it hurt the US economy, and resulted in TJ being sent an ass-load of hate mail, including these gems:
- “Take off the Embargo, return to Carters Mountain and be ashamed of yourself and never show your head in Publick Company again.”
- “I entreat you to prepare to meet your God. For it will be but a short time before you must stand before his bar to answer for all the deeds done here below.”
- “You are the damdest fool that God put life into. God dam you.”
- “I have agreed to pay four of my friends $400 to shoot you if you dont take off the embargo by the 10th of Octo 1808.”
- “THy DEStruction is nEAr At HAND THOMAS.
Which made Jefferson go “Hmm, maybe the Embargo Act isn’t so popular after all” so he repealed it.
- Laurens wasn’t the most level-headed person in the world. In fact, he kinda became known for basically not giving a fuck on the battlefield. After the Battle of Brandywine, Laf wrote “It was not his fault that he was not killed or wounded[,] he did everything that was necessary to procure one or t’other”. He died because he ignored orders to stay in a defensive position. The Valley Forge website even says that during the Battle of Monmouth Courthouse, “he somehow managed to avoid any intrepid acts of daring”. Like, damn. Laurens is getting roasted beyond the grave by the national parks service.
[;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)]
;): 696969696969696969. 696969696969?
[;) ;) ;)]
;): 69696969696969, 6969696969.
;): 6969696969 6969696969 6969696969.
;): 69696969 69696969696969.
[;) ;) ;) ;) ;)]
;): 6969696969, 696969696969 69696969 6969696969.
;): 6969696 6969696969 69696969.
;): 696969696969! 69696969696969.
- 6969696969696969 696969696969 6969696969 69696969696969.
Honestly, I feel like it would have been incredibly out of character and, quite frankly, would have ruined the integrity of the story if I had not made a 69 joke.
[Polly sits on a bench in the garden outside the cabinet building. She picks up a stick and starts drawing figures in the dirt aimlessly. Suddenly, someone off-screen screams loudly in agony. Polly stands up, looking uncertain. She hesitates for a moment, then drops her stick and goes to investigate, walking slowly towards the scream.]
Polly: [calling out] Hello? Is everything alright? [she walks around the front of the cabinet building and sees Laurens sitting on the steps. They look at each other for a moment, surprised.] Are you okay?
Laurens: Not especially. [he looks down at his hands and sighs]
[Polly takes a step closer and sees him clearly for the first time.]
Polly: Wait, are you- [her eyes widen in fear and she gasps] You’re a ghost!
Polly: [fearfully] But- what…how…are you going to, like, take me to the afterlife or something?!
Laurens: No, I’m not-
Polly: [not hearing what he said] I’m not supposed to die until I’m 251!
Laurens: Wait, really?
Polly: Begone, ghost! [picks up a handful of dirt and throws it at Laurens, who ignores it]
Laurens: I’m sorry to hear that. I died when I was only 272.
Polly: [pauses, with another handful of dirt in her hand] Wait, when did you, y’know…
Polly: [letting the dirt slowly trickle between her fingers to the ground] So you’re not a centuries-old vengeful spirit sent from hell to try and steal my soul?
Laurens: …I’m from South Carolina.
Polly: I’m from Virginia! [goes and sits next to Laurens] What are you doing here?
Laurens: I was at the party inside but I needed some air. Well, not literally, obviously. I haven’t needed air for years. I just wanted to get out of the room.
Polly: Are you someone in the government?
Laurens: No, I came because my boyfriend is in the Cabinet. [pauses] Well, at least, he was my boyfriend. [shakes his head, eager to change the subject] Why are you here?
Polly: My dad’s in the Cabinet. Me and my sister came with him. But he ran off to hide in the bathroom a while ago. He doesn’t like parties.
Laurens: Where’s your sister?
Polly: [jabs her thumb in the direction of the building] She’s still in there, talking to people and being charming and likeable and stuff.
Laurens: So why are you out here?
Polly: [crosses her arms and frowns] Cuz everyone likes her so much more than me. Even our dad does, but he’d never say it.
Laurens: Wait, didn’t you say your dad’s in the Cabinet? [looks at Polly closely] Oh, my God! Your dad is-
Polly: What? No! Jefferson’s my dad!
Laurens: Oh. Really? You don’t look like him.
Polly: Yeah, everyone says I look like my mom4. I don’t know if it’s true, though. I don’t remember what she looked like. [looks down and scuffs the ground with her foot] She died when I was 4.
Laurens: My mom died when I was 155.
Polly: [looks up at him] Really?
Laurens: Yeah. I miss her. A lot. And I’m the oldest, so I’ve had to be kinda like a parent to my brothers and sisters. [buries his face in his hands and makes a pained sound, startling Polly] I’m a terrible parent.
Polly: I think you’re being too hard on yourself, I bet your siblings turned out all right.
Laurens: My brother died because I wasn’t paying attention.
Polly: ...All right, well, maybe he didn’t turn out all right, but you’re his older brother. It’s not your job to take care of him. You aren’t really a parent.
Laurens: Actually, yeah, I am. I have a daughter.
Polly: Oh. Well, I’m sure you aren’t a bad parent.
Laurens: I’ve never met her. I knocked a girl up, married her out of pity, then left her in Europe before the child was born6 and came back to America and died.
Polly: That’s…not good, but I’m sure you would’ve been a good parent if-
Laurens: And also I kinda fell in love with a guy who was in the Army with me, but I never told him about my wife and kid.
Polly: Okay, well-
Laurens: And my dad just told him so now the guy hates me.
Polly: I’m sor-
Laurens: And on top of that, my dad wants me to represent my friends in court and if they are found guilty, they’ll all be executed.
Laurens: And I would be executed, too, except for the fact that I’m already dead.
Polly: Wow, your life sucks. Er, not life. Your…after-life life sucks.
Laurens: [sighs] I just don’t know what to do.
Polly: [thinks for a moment] Well, families can be tricky. It’s always hard when you love someone. Sometimes…sometimes you get hurt. Patsy told me that, after Mom died, Dad locked himself in his room and wouldn’t come out for 3 weeks7.
Laurens: Wow. I didn’t know he was capable of that kind of emotion.
Polly: Yeah, and also, when Mom and Dad first met, my grandpa didn’t approve of him because he was from a lower social class8. But he didn’t let that didn’t stop him. And they ended up getting married, and Dad says they were the happiest years of his life. If he had just walked away, he would’ve missed out on all of that happiness. You can’t give up on the people you love.
[Laurens stares off into space for a minute, contemplating this. Then he turns back towards Polly.]
Laurens: [wistfully] You know, you’re about the same age as my daughter9. [stands up abruptly] Thank you. [walks back into the cabinet building with determination]
Polly: …Did I just meet Casper10?
- Polly, like her mother, had poor health and died in 1801, only a couple months after giving birth…just like her mother did.
- Laurens was part of the 27 club before it was cool.
- Funnily enough, 1782 was the same year Martha Jefferson died. In fact, she died only a couple of weeks after Laurens- September 6th for her, August 27th for Laurens. Idk I probably read too much into stuff (which is apparently called apophenia, and I only know that because the page on the 27 club had a link to its page) but I find it significant that Jefferson and Hamilton both lost someone they loved dearly at almost the exact same time.
- Along with her poor health, Polly also inherited her mother’s looks.
- Eleanor Ball Laurens died in 1770…a few weeks after giving birth. (I’m starting to notice a trend here). In a letter that is for some reason dated May 19th even though she died on the 22nd, Henry says that Laurens is “almost inconsolable for the Loss of his Mother”.
- Laurens left Europe about a month before his daughter, Frances, was born. And apparently the birth was difficult, but Martha (Laurens’s wife, not to be confused with Jefferson’s wife Martha or Washington’s wife Martha or Laurens’s sister Martha) didn’t die, so props to her.
- Yep this is true. I ain’t gonna lie, I’ve cried over the Jeffersons’ relationship before because they loved each other so much but they only had like 10 years together. Also apparently for a while afterwards he would faint whenever he saw his kids, I guess because they reminded him of her.
- It’s kinda funny because Martha’s dad was like “He’s too poor! Our family is too rich for him!” (even though Jefferson was from a pretty well-off family) and then went on to die bankrupt/pass all of his debts on to his daughter and her new husband. And then said husband went on to become more than (in modern-day money) a million dollars in debt.
- I’ve said before that I have no idea when the hell this story takes place and also that some of the events that occur at the same time in the story occurred in different years in real life, but Frances was born in January 1777 and Polly was born in August 1778 so this time the timeline actually makes sense.
- I have no experience whatsoever with photoshop so just imagine a picture of Casper the friendly ghost with Laurens’s head edited over Casper’s.
[Washington, Lafayette, Hamilton, and Madison are in a huddle in the middle of the ballroom.]
Washington: Should we split up and look for him?
Madison: Well, if I were writing this story, I would choose this exact moment for Laurens to walk back in for the sake of drama, so let’s wait a minute and see if he comes back.
Hamilton: Yeah, maybe we should-
[The doors open and Laurens walks in.]
Madison: All right, the timing was slightly off, but I was right.
[Hearing his name, Laurens looks over and sees Hamilton. He runs over.]
Laurens: Alex, I’m so sorry, I should’ve told you-
Hamilton: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have flipped out like I did-
Laurens: Yeah, but I deserved it, I shouldn’t have kept it hidden from you-
Hamilton: Yeah, but I-
[Lafayette engulfs Hamilton and Laurens in a big hug.]
Lafayette: Freres! Are you back together?
Laurens: Lafayette, we never officially broke up. We were just kinda on the rocks for, like, 10 minutes.
Lafayette: Oui, and they were the longest 10 minutes of my life!
[The doors open again and Steuben walks in, carrying Azor with one arm and dragging Jefferson by the collar with the other.]
Steuben: I got the ginger!
[Steuben flings Jefferson towards the group. Jefferson trips and falls because he’s a fucking klutz.]
Jefferson: [on the floor] I think I broke my wrist. Again1.
Washington: Now that we’re all here, we need to talk about what we’re gonna do for the trial.
[Jefferson stands up and brushes himself off.]
Madison: We were talking to some people here tonight, and I found a few who might agree to representing us in court.
Washington: Good! Now we-
Laurens: Oh, I, uh, kinda wanted to, um, ask you guys a favor.
Washington: Of course, what is it?
Hamilton: What, are you going to ask us to help raise the child THAT YOU NEVER TOLD ANY OF US ABOUT?
Laurens: Are you sure you’re okay?
Hamilton: Yeah, I’m good now. I just had to get that last little bit out of my system.
Laurens: Okay. What I was go-
Hamilton: I’VE KNOWN YOU FOR YEARS AND YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO TELL ME YOU HAVE A WIFE. WE WERE IN A WAR TOGETHER. WE SLEPT IN THE SAME FUCKING BED FOR CHRIST’S SAKE2!
Laurens: Are you-
Hamilton: Yeah, that was really it. I’m done now. You can say what you were going to say.
Laurens: I was just going to ask if…well…maybe I could represent us in court.
Washington: Uh…okay…let’s maybe hear about who James and Thomas found before we make a decision.
Madison: Wait, are you even a lawyer?
Jefferson: I am!
Madison: What? Why didn’t you mention that earlier?!
Jefferson: See, I’m not really a courtroom lawyer. I’m more of a…not courtroom lawyer3.
Hamilton: Glad you cleared that up for us. And I am a ‘courtroom lawyer’4. I could represent us.
Madison: Again, why didn’t you mention this earlier?!
Hamilton: Because I didn’t feel like taking us on as a case. But I will if it means one-upping Jefferson.
Laurens: But…I kinda need to represent us.
Steuben: Laurens, no offense, but I’m a wanted criminal in multiple countries. I would rather have a lawyer who has some experience.
Laurens: I know, but my dad expects me to represent us, because he thinks I’ve been studying law, and he’ll disown me if he finds out I haven’t.
Washington: [offended] I would do no such thing!
Laurens: No, not you, I’m talking about my other dad.
Washington: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Hamilton: So what should we do?
[They all think for a moment, then Lafayette gasps and grabs Hamilton’s arm.]
Lafayette: Wait! What if you and Laurens both represent us?
Laurens: That’s a great idea! My dad already thinks we work at the same law firm- it would make sense that we would work on the same case!
Hamilton: Hmm…I could probably teach you some things about law before the trial…
Jefferson: Now, random-ass nitpicky little details about law is something I can help you with!
Madison: And I graduated college in 2 years, so I know all about cramming5!
Laurens: I think we can pull this off, guys!
[The lights in the ballroom flicker on and off for a second, then Monroe appears on the stage with a microphone.]
Monroe: How are you all doing tonight? [the audience cheers] We’ve got a very special show for you tonight, courtesy of our very own Cabinet Wood!
[A group of old ladies in stripper wear walk onstage.]
Hamilton: …Yeah how about we all go to the library and start helping Laurens study. Right now.
Washington: But I’m supposed to go on in a couple minutes!
Jefferson: Please tell me that it’s part of a different act.
Washington: Nope! [rips off his pants and shirt, leaving him naked except for his shoes, his underwear, and his bowtie.] I’ll see you all later! [runs to the stage]
Madison: I wonder if other countries are like this.
Steuben: What, you mean absolutely fucking ridiculous?
Steuben: No, it’s just America.
- So in 1781 TJ broke his arm from being thrown from a horse, then in 1785 he broke his right wrist doing something (he never specified what it was…which makes it seem really sketchy), and then in 1821 this 75-year-old GEEZER fell off his own damn porch and broke his left wrist. In others words, the 3rd president of the United States of fucking America was pretty much the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” lady.
- Tbh the Continental Army never really had a ton of supplies at any point during the war, but especially during Valley Forge they didn’t have enough food/clothing/blankets/shelter (mainly because Congress couldn’t get their head out of their ass long enough to send supplies, so feel free to blame then-president Henry Laurens) so pretty much everyone slept on top of each other. While the aide-de-camps got to live with Washington in his headquarters, which was an actual house instead of the huts most soldiers lived in, they still had to fit all 7 of them in one bedroom.
- Jefferson’s aversion to public speaking led him to focus more on estate law/land dealings, which normally did not require speaking in front of a judge in a courtroom.
- Hamilton, who certainly did not have an aversion to public speaking, was great at representing people in the courtroom. (Also once in a letter to Laf he referred to law as “the art of fleecing my neighbours” and I have to respect him for that, because at least he’s honest.
- Madison enrolled at Princeton in 1769, graduated in 1771, and is no doubt making you feel inadequate right now. I know I certainly do.
[The next day, Laurens, Lafayette, Madison, Jefferson, and Steuben are sitting at a table in the cabinet building. Hamilton walks into the room, his arms full of books that he drops onto the table.]
Hamilton: Here are all the books I have about law.
[Laurens pulls a book towards him and starts flipping through it.]
Laurens: [doubtfully] And you think I can learn all this in one week?
Hamilton: Don’t worry, you don’t have to learn all of it! I highlighted all of the important parts for you- just learn those.
[Laurens holds up the book, showing the page that he’s on. It’s almost completely bright yellow.]
Laurens: There’s literally one sentence that isn’t highlighted.
Hamilton: It was an important page!
[Jefferson picks up a book as well and starts reading it.]
Jefferson: …I hope you also brought a dictionary, because I don’t even know what half of these words mean.
Hamilton: Don’t worry, I have a plan! Let’s- [looks around] Wait, where’s Washington? [everyone else shrugs] I need everybody here for this to work! Can someone-
[Washington walks into the room.]
Washington: Sorry I’m late!
Steuben: Where were you?
Washington: In the ballroom. I was trying to find my underwear from last night.
Steuben: …Aaand that’s the last time I ever ask anyone anything.
Hamilton: Well, at least you’re here now. We’re all going to put our noses to the grindstone to help Laurens. As you can see, we have a lot to cover.
Laurens: Can I at least have a training montage with intense music playing in the background to emphasize the gravity of the situation?
Hamilton: Is there any other way to do this?
[Dramatic training montage is shown while “Pressure” by Billy Joel plays. Laurens scribbles furiously on sheets of paper. Hamilton makes him recite things with his eyes closed. Laurens does jumping jacks while Steuben and Washington ask him questions. Jefferson quizzes him with flashcards. They all stage a trial. Madison faints a couple of times. The montage ends with them all sitting at a table in a bookstore.]
Hamilton: Okay, so the plaintiff has filed a suit, and you think the cause of action is missing an element of fact. What do you do1?
Laurens: I respond with a demurrer.
[Everyone cheers and hi-fives each other.]
Hamilton: Let’s say that the issue at hand is over whether a building is a landmark or not. What should you do while the court deliberates?
Laurens: Pass a temporary injunction as a provisional remedy to keep it from being destroyed until the court reaches a verdict.
[A voice is heard from off-screen.]
Voice: And who let you all into my bookstore?
Hamilton: Wait a second…
[A large man walks on-screen.]
Lafayette: [cheers] Knox the Ox!
Washington: Henry! Good to see you.
Knox: What are you all doing here?
Steuben: We’re helping Laurens learn law, and we figured a place that sells books would be the best place to do it.
Knox: Good idea! I learned everything I know about war from books.
[Another voice is heard off-screen.]
Voice: Me, too!
[Another man walks on-screen, limping slightly.]
Laurens: Natty Greene2! What are you doing here?
Greene: Henry was showing me some of the new books he just got in.
Jefferson: …I don’t know who either of you are.
Washington: Ah, that’s right, you and James weren’t in the army. This is Henry Knox and Nathanael Greene. They were my two most trusted generals during the war3!
Knox: I’m an overweight bookseller who’s missing two fingers4!
Greene: And I’m an asthmatic Quaker with a limp5!
Madison: …You know what, Thomas, we may have made it in the army after all.
Jefferson: [to Greene] Huge fan of your oats.
Jefferson: You said you were Quaker, right6?
[Greene opens his mouth to say something, thinks better of it, closes his mouth, and shakes his head slowly.]
Greene: [changing the subject] Sooo…why are you studying law, Laurens?
Laurens: That is kind of a long story.
Knox: We’ve got time.
Hamilton: Well, Washington got himself arrested by the French-
Washington: It happens to the best of us!
Hamilton: -And we went to rescue him, but Steuben was with us, so they just arrested all of us.
Knox: [to Steuben] So you’re still on the lam?
Madison: Wait, you guys know about Steuben being arrested back in Europe?
Greene: Yeah, pretty much everyone in the army knew about it.
Madison: Why did no one have any problem with Washington hiring a convict to train all of you?!
Washington: I think it was one of my better decisions, to tell the truth.
Hamilton: Yeah, it was.
Knox: Totally was.
Hamilton: Anyway, they were going to try and like infiltrate the government through us, but…what did they say?
Jefferson: That we were too fucking ridiculous to deal with.
Greene …That’s understandable.
Knox: Yeah, why do you think I’ve never been to a cabinet meeting7?
Washington: Huh, that explains that seemingly obvious plot hole.
Jefferson: Wait, you’re part of the cabinet? I don’t even know you!
Knox: Good. I don’t want my name to be associated with that train wreck you guys call a cabinet. Neither does Edmund Randolph.
Jefferson: Who the fuck is Edmund Randolph8?!
Lafayette: You guys are missing out on some great hijinks!
Knox: Like getting arrested?
Greene: So what happened after they decided they didn’t want to deal with you all?
Hamilton: They kicked us out of prison, and said that we would have a trial next week.
Jefferson: Actually, they said that 3 days ago. So now it’s in 4 days.
Knox: And Laurens is going to represent you?
Laurens: Yeah, my dad thinks I’ve been studying law, so he came up with the idea of me representing all of us. If he finds out I haven’t actually been studying law, he’ll disown me. But if we’re found guilty at the trial, we’ll all be executed. Except for me, of course. I’m already dead.
Greene: [sighs] Laurens, why does shit like this always happen to you9?
[Laurens holds his hands up in the “idk” gesture.]
Knox: Well, what time is the trial? We can come to give you moral support.
Hamilton: It’s Thursday at 5, in the cabinet building. Make sure you don’t come too early, though.
Knox: Why not?
Hamilton: There’s another…group in the building that’s using the room for a show until 4:30.
Jefferson: I didn’t know that, what show is it going to be? Maybe I’ll go see it to take my mind off my possible demise.
Hamilton: You don’t want to see it.
Washington: Oh, that reminds me! I meant to tell you guys, I might be a little late to the trial. I have a thing for my other job I have to go to. Also, could one of you bring some clothes to the trial for me to put on after the thing?
Jefferson: …On second thought, I think I’m gonna skip the show.
- Yeah I don’t know jack shit about law, so I just googled “law terms” and tried to use some of the more complicated-sounding ones. I can’t confirm that I used them correctly, but I can confirm that they do exist.
- His first name is really Nathanael (yes that’s spelled right, even in scholarly articles people will spell it as ‘Nathaniel’ 99% of the time and I’m like, read a fucking Bible sometime you damn heathens)(Sorry I just feel very strongly about this because I too have a biblical name that is always misspelled and also I have an unhealthy obsession with tiny-ass details no normal person gives a shit about) but there’s a bar in my town called Natty Greene’s so I’m incapable of referring to him as anything else.
- Greene and Knox are considered by historians to be two of the most important people in the Continental Army. More importantly, they weren’t little BITCHES like SOME other generals (like Horatio Gates and Thomas Conway and Bene-dick Arnold) (Get it his name is Benedict so I called him Bene-dick haha I bet he regrets betraying America now!)
- Despite the name, Quaker Oats are not affiliated with the Quakers and some Quakers have protested their name being used after a couple of advertising campaigns by the company were seen as promoting violence. Also the company was not founded until 1877, but that’s close enough to whatever year this story takes place.
- Knox was the first Secretary of War of the United States. (Not to be confused with Benjamin Lincoln, the first Secretary at War, a job that only existed under the Articles of Confederation. The job turned into Secretary of War after the Constitution was ratified.)
- That was my exact reaction when my teacher told us about Washington’s cabinet. Apparently he was the first Attorney General? Idk all I know is that he has the exact same facial expression as Ted Cruz.
- If Steuben and Washington are the dads of the Continental Army, Greene is the responsible oldest child who always has to babysit the younger ones. And since he was one of the leaders of the Southern Campaign, he knew Laurens pretty well. After he died, Greene wrote in a letter “Poor Laurens is fallen in a paltry little skirmish. You knew his temper, and I predicted his fate” which makes me picture Greene getting the message that Laurens is dead and just screaming “CALLED IT!” in the middle of his office or whatever.
[Eliza and Dolley are sitting at a table in the Hamilton household, writing a letter. Peggy1 is sitting on a couch nearby, flipping through a magazine.]
Dolley: [writing] “Dear…asswipe….”
Eliza: Uh, maybe you shouldn’t call him an “asswipe”.
Dolley: Well, he is.
Eliza: Yeah, but you might not want to piss off a guy you owe money to.
Dolley: Fine. [crosses out what she’s written] What about “Dear shithead”?
Eliza: Uh…I was thinking more like “Dear sir”.
Peggy: [still reading her magazine] Who is this guy anyway?
Dolley: His name’s Don Anthony.
Peggy: [looks up, alarmed] Wait, did you say Don2?
Dolley: Yeah, why?
Peggy: Oh, just, uh, wanted to make sure I heard you correctly. So how exactly did you meet him?
Dolley: I was at Cabinet Wood a few months ago-
Eliza: Why the hell would you go there?
Dolley: They have some really good blackjack tables.
Peggy: Yeah, they do.
Eliza: Peggy, since when do you gamble?!
Peggy: Since always.
Eliza: Does Mom know that you play blackjack at strip clubs?
Peggy: Does Mom know that you don’t mind your own dang business? Besides, we aren’t talking about me, we’re talking about Dolley. [to Dolley] So what happened?
Dolley: Well, I was pretty unlucky that night and ran out of cash, but this guy a table over offered to lend me some.
Eliza: How much money was it?
Dolley: Oh, well, you know… [mumbles something unintelligible]
Peggy: Was he from around here?
Dolley: No, he said he was from New Jersey, but he was in Philadelphia3 on business.
Eliza: …What kind of business?
Dolley: Waste management.
[Eliza and Peggy share a look.]
Eliza: Um, you might want to pay him back. Like, right away.
Peggy: And also probably don’t call him a shithead.
Dolley: Look, if someone is a shithead, I will address them as such.
Eliza: Dolley, I’m already worried enough about Alexander. I don’t want to have to worry about you, too.
Dolley: You don’t have to worry about me, I’m sure this Don guy is harmless. And Alexander will be fine, he’s a good lawyer. They’ll be found innocent.
Peggy: [going back to her magazine] Besides, he’s a hoe anyway4.
Eliza: NOBODY ASKED YOU, PEGGY!
Peggy: I’m just sayin’. [flips the page]
[Eliza makes a face at Peggy, then turns to Dolley.]
Eliza: I mean, aren’t you worried about James?
Dolley: Trust me, if they think they’re gonna lay a finger on my Jemmy… [pulls out a sword] then they’ve got another thing coming.
Eliza: [taken aback] What the hell?!
[Peggy looks up and sees the sword.]
Peggy: Holy shit!
Eliza: Why do you have a sword?
Dolley: Self-defense. [Eliza and Peggy stare at her] Look, I never try to start anything. But if something’s already started, well…I’ll finish it5.
[Dolley puts the sword on the ground. Eliza and Peggy share another look, this one in disbelief.]
Eliza: All right, I guess I don’t have to worry about you after all.
Peggy: Yeah, now you just have to worry about your hoe.
Eliza: SHUT UP, PEGGY!
- Margarita (yes like the drink, it’s the Latin form for Margaret) Schuyler, called Peggy, was Eliza’s younger sister.
- “Don” in this case isn’t a name, it’s a title. The head of a Mafia family is called the Don. In real life Dolley Madison didn’t ever have a run-in with the mob (probably because the Mafia wasn’t introduced to America until the late 1800’s) but she did have a lot of debt in her later years and organized crime is always fun so I decided to throw in some mobsters.
- Philadelphia was the capital of the U.S. from 1790-1800,
- Peggy and Hamilton were actually really close, with Hamilton even being at her bedside when she died (he was in Albany on business, and Peggy asked him to stay with her and her parents for a few more days) but she probably would still call him a hoe. I think everyone who knew him would call him a hoe.
- While I made up her getting in trouble with the Mafia, this is 100% real. She wrote in a letter to her cousin “I have always been an advocate for fighting when assailed, tho a quaker. I therefore keep the old Tunisian Sabre within my reach.” Honestly, I aspire to be even 1/10th as fabulous as Dolley Madison.
[Adams, Abigail, and Charles are sitting in their living room. Abigail is patching a hole in Adams’ cape, Adams is watching a Patriots game1, and Charles is reading a book.]
Adams: What the hell was that, ref?! Offsides, my ass!
Abigail: John, why are you screaming at the TV? The referee isn’t going to hear you. And this is a replay, the game already happened. They lost.
Adams: Yes, but maybe this time it’ll be different.
Abigail: Well, since I’m busy sewing up your cape and you’re just screaming at a box, would you mind taking this letter to the Mulligans’? [at this, Charles’ head snaps up] It’s for Elizabeth, I’m asking all the ladies to help make saltpeter2.
Adams: [at the TV] WHAT KINDA THROW WAS THAT?! WHO WAS THAT EVEN TO?
Adams: Hm? Oh, all right.
Abigail: And take one of the kids with you. It’s going to be dark soon, I don’t want you walking alone by yourself.
Adams: I am a grown-ass man, I can walk over to someone’s house by myself!
Abigail: Uh-huh, and you were also a grown-ass man when you got lost on the way to the White House. Take one of the kids3.
Charles: [eagerly] I can go with you!
[Adams groans for a full 10 seconds.]
Abigail: Hurry back, now.
Adams: [heading towards the front door, Charles scrambling after him] Trust me, I will.
[Adams and Charles go outside and start walking down the street.]
Charles: [trying to sound casual] So, do the Mulligans have any kids?
Adams: Yeah, they have 8. There’s William, John-
Charles: [interrupting, but still trying to sound casual] John? I think I’ve heard of him, what’s he like?
Adams: Charles! It is rude to interrupt! Jesus, at least let me finish telling you the kids’ names.
Charles: Sorry, what are their names?
Adams: Idk. There are no records of the other 64.
Adams: CHARLES! Stop interrupting me!
Adams: WHAT DID I JUST SAY, CHARLES? WHAT. DID I. JUST SAY.
Charles: I just-
Adams: [stops at the end of a driveway] We’re here, try not to embarrass me with your uncouthness. [starts walking towards the front door, Charles right behind him] You know what, just don’t say anything at all.
[Adams knocks on the door. After a few seconds, Mulligan opens the door.]
Mulligan: Can I help- [sees Adams and says with distaste] Oh. [sees Charles and repeats in a happier tone] Oh!
Adams: Er, I hope there are no hard feelings about…our previous encounter.
Mulligan: [dryly] Nope. None at all.
Adams: Well, good! I, uh, have a letter for your mother. Where might she be?
Mulligan: She’s in the living room. Down the hall, to the left. [Adams goes into the house, leaving Charles alone with Mulligan] So, what have you been up to?
Charles: [shrugs] Oh, you know. Being interrupted by my father so he can tell me how rude interrupting is.
[Mulligan laughs, causing Charles to crack a smile.]
Mulligan: Are you going to the trial tomorrow?
Charles: I haven’t decided yet, I might just stay home. Apparently, there’s gonna be a huge crowd. Are you going?
Mulligan: [solemn] Yeah, I’m gonna go, for Steuben’s sake.
Charles: Well…I might go…
Mulligan: Then I might save you a seat.
[Charles and Mulligan both smile at each other.]
Charles: Oh, I was wondering, what are your siblings’ names?
Mulligan: Well, there’s me, William-
[Adams comes back out of the house, interrupting Mulligan.]
Adams: [walking down the porch steps] Come on, Charles, let’s go.
Charles: Huh? Oh, okay.
[Charles waves goodbye at Mulligan, who waves back. Charles runs to catch up with Adams.]
Adams: All right, we take a left here…
Charles: Wait, we took a left coming onto this road.
Adams: Yeah, exactly.
Charles: Shouldn’t we be taking a right, then? Cause it’s in reverse?
Adams: But we took a right coming onto this road.
Charles: What? I thought we took a left.
Adams: [sighs in exasperation] Yes, so that’s why we’re doing the opposite.
Charles: But then why-
Adams: It’s first-grade, Charles!
Charles: We’re going the wrong-
Adams: Charles! I think I know how to get back to my own house.
[Time card is shown on the screen that says “3 hours later”. It cuts to Charles and Adams climbing over their fence to get into their back yard in the dark of the night.]
Adams: All right, let’s agree to never tell your mother about this.
Charles: Can’t we just walk around the side of the house to the front door? Why are we climb-
Adams: CHARLES! STOP INTERRUPTING! [falls off the fence onto the ground]
- I had to see this, so now I’m subjecting all of you to it, too.
- Since women weren’t allowed to join the military, a lot of them helped out the war cause on the home front instead. They did things like boycott British-made products, run farms/stores/households so their husbands could go fight, and make supplies for the army. I mentioned saltpeter here because a. Adams specifically asked Abigail to make it and b. because I love the movie 1776 and I highly recommend that you watch it online illegally. (And if someone from the FBI is reading this, don’t even think about arresting me because then I’ll tell everyone that you read founding fathers fanfiction on AO3.)
- This source also says that he started smoking when he was 8 and that he was one of two presidents who did not attend their successor’s inauguration. The other one was John Quincy Adams, which shows that the whole family was full of salt.
- I spent like a fucking hour trying to find the other kids’ names and I had no luck but I did find out that John Mulligan had nine kids so I’m not going to consider it a complete waste of time.
[Burr and Theo are sitting on a bench in the gallery of a courtroom. The room is rapidly filling up with important-looking people chatting with each other.]
Burr: Well, today’s the day. The big trial I was telling you about is about to start.
Theo: Who are we cheering for?
Burr: See, I don’t want to say we’re cheering for the French…but if the cabinet loses and they’re all executed, it’ll make my plan a hell of a lot easier.
Theo: Won’t it throw the whole government into disarray if our nation’s leader is killed?
Burr: You would think so, but the government is already an absolute mess.
Theo: …That’s true.
Burr: Don’t worry, I’m going to create a country with a better government. I’m already looking at some land to purchase. It’s in Mexico1, so it’ll be like a tropical vacation every day!
Theo: Are girls going to be allowed to be in the government?
Burr: Of course! When you get older, you’re going to be empress2!
Burr: Yep, and I already know you’re going to be the best one ever. Theo the Great!
[Burr gives Theo a hug and she smiles happily. She looks around the courtroom and her smile starts to fade.]
Theo: Gosh, I really hope nothing like this ever happens to you.
Burr: What do you mean?
Theo: You know, being involved in a huge misunderstanding with the government and having a huge, drawn-out trial where your entire life is at risk.
Burr: Don’t worry, I wouldn’t ever do anything that could possibly have those consequences!
- “Burr moved west to seek better fortunes, which included an independent military adventure to seize lands belonging to Spain in Louisiana and Mexico (specifically, Texas)” I just want to take a moment to appreciate the fact that the Constitution Center referred to Burr trying to commit treason, possibly steal land from the United States, and create his own empire as an “adventure”, like it’s an episode of Dora the fucking Explorer or something.
- I don’t even like monarchies but I would totally move to Burrvania or whatever Burr was gonna call it if Theo was empress.
[The screen is black. A voice-over is heard.]
Voice: In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important, groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.
[The ‘duh-dun!’ sound effect plays as the screen cuts to the inside of the courtroom that is now filled with people chatting. On one side of the room, the French commander and a French lawyer are standing at a table. One the other side of the room, Jefferson, Madison, Steuben, and Lafayette are sitting behind the defense’s table. Hamilton and Laurens are standing up, shuffling through papers. Washington comes running into the room, buttoning up his shirt.]
Washington: All right, I’m ready! [sits down at the table]
Hamilton: Okay, here’s what- um, is Madison alive?
[Madison has his head on the table and isn’t moving.]
Jefferson: Yeah, he’s just kinda nervous.
Laurens: [hysterical] And you aren’t?!
Jefferson: Nah, I smoked some of my hemp- uh, I mean, I planted some of my hemp this morning. Gardening always calms me down1.
Hamilton: [touches Laurens’s arm] Take a deep breath. It’s gonna work out.
Lafayette: Oui, I trust you, Laurens!
Laurens: [breathes deeply] Thanks, guys. [sees Henry heading towards them] Shit.
Henry: [reaching their table] Just wanted to wish you good luck today! But I’m sure you won’t need it.
Laurens: Uh, yeah. Definitely don’t. I’m totally prepared for this.
Washington: [with a hint of jealousy] So, this is your…other father2.
Henry: [turning to Washington] “Other father”? What do you mean?
Washington: You aren’t the only one who thinks of Laurens as a son.
Henry: …I don’t just think of him as a son. He literally is my son.
Washington: Same here.
Henry: No, but he isn’t really your son.
Washington: [lets out an offended gasp] Excuse me?!
Henry: [callously] Sorry, but it’s the truth.
[Washington stands up.]
Washington: Well, I’ve been more a father to him than you have! I bet you’ve never even played catch with him!
Henry: What, and you have?
Laurens: Actually, yeah, he has.
Hamilton: Yeah, he would play catch for hours with all of us aides-de-camp3.
Lafayette: Valley Forge was fun!
[Henry looks at Lafayette strangely for a moment before turning back to Washington.]
Henry: Well, some father you are, considering how you let him get killed under your command4.
Washington: [shocked] Ex-CUUUSE ME, BITCH?!
Henry: Yeah, you heard me! He only died because he joined your army! Maybe if you weren’t such a shitty dad, he would still be alive.
Washington: [enraged] HOLD MY EARRINGS, LAFAYETTE!
[Washington hops over the table to fight Henry. Henry raises his fists in response.]
Henry: BRING IT ON, BITCH5!
[Laurens gets in between them.]
Laurens: Guys! Stop! You can both be my dad. [Washington and Henry are too busy trying to scratch each other’s eyes out to hear] Okay, fine! If you two wanna fight, can you at least wait until after the trial?
Jefferson: Jemmy, are you watching this? [pokes Madison, who lets out a ‘meep’] This is hilarious!
Washington: [still trying to get at Henry] At least I don’t send him on a guilt trip every other day!
Henry: You barely even know him! I’m the one who raised him!
[The judge bangs a gavel. Henry and Washington stop and everyone turns towards the bench.]
Judge: Is there an issue?
Hamilton: No, Your Honor. We’re just…discussing the case.
Judge: Well, wrap it up. It’s almost time to start.
Henry: I’d better go sit down. I believe in you, [looks at Washington as he emphasizes the word] son.
[Henry goes and sits in the gallery.]
Laurens: [to Washington] What the hell was that?!
Washington: I know, I know. I should’ve FUCKING DECKED HIM.
Laurens: No! You shouldn’t have!
Hamilton: Can we focus on the trial right now?
Jefferson: Yeah, I would kinda prefer to live.
[Washington sits down and crosses his arms.]
Washington: [sulkily] Fine.
Hamilton: [sighs] Okay, they don’t really have any witnesses against us, so they’re going to have to interrogate us and hope we’re gonna incriminate ourselves. Don’t say anything more than you have to.
Steuben: Can I just tell them I don’t speak English?
Hamilton: You had a 10-minute conversation with the judge about your new uniform in the hallway. I think he knows you can speak English.
Steuben: Well, shit. Oh yeah, speaking of my new uniform, I’m kinda still paying it off. You think you could help a brother out?
[Hamilton rolls his eyes and hands Steuben some money6.]
Hamilton: Basically, you guys need to just leave most of the talking to Laurens and me. [turns to Laurens] Laurens, try and leave most of the talking to me.
[Laurens gulps nervously and nods.]
Lafayette: Can I tell them I don’t speak English?
Hamilton: Lafayette, you’ve been fluent for years. It’s illegal to lie under oath.
Jefferson: Is it illegal to smuggle a product out of a country if they have a strict law against exporting it7?
Jefferson: I’m asking for a friend.
Hamilton: Yes, of course it’s fucking illegal!
Jefferson: Well. Yikes. Better not talk about that skeleton in my closet. Uh, my friend’s closet, rather.
[Hamilton closes his eyes, sighs deeply, and massages his temples.]
Hamilton: Jefferson, you are-
[The judge bangs his gavel a few times.]
Judge: Order in the court!
[The chatting dies out as the people in the gallery sit down. Everyone looks towards the judge expectantly.]
Judge: The case of “France’s Government vs.-” [squints at a sheet of paper in front of him] Yeah, that’s way too many names to read out. The case of “France’s Government vs. These Guys” [gestures towards the defense’s table] is now in session. Normally we would start by swearing in the jury, but there isn’t one today so we’re gonna skip that. Now,-
Laurens: That’s unconstitutional!
[At the mention of the Constitution, Madison’s head snaps up.]
Madison: Is someone fucking with my paper8?!
Commander: Oui, it’s unconstitutional, but since France is the one running this trial, we’re going by our rules.
Lafayette: [bangs his fist on the table] That’s outrageous! France needs to become more democratic and give their citizens the rights that are naturally theirs9!
Jefferson: Wait, did someone say France?
Judge: [bangs the gavel] Order! There is going to be no jury today. I will be the one who decides the outcome of the case.
Hamilton: But that’s-
Judge: I literally just said I’m the one who’s going to decide your fate. You might not want to argue with me.
Hamilton: [sighs resignedly] Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Right. Now, since we don’t have to swear in the jury, we’re going to move on to opening statements. Defense, do you have an opening statement?
Steuben: Oh yeah, I got multiple statements. Number one: Go fu-
Laurens: [talking over Steuben] Yes, we do. [clears throat] In this case, we will use evidence to show that the defense is not guilty of the crime they are accused of.
Judge: What evidence?
Judge: This is the part where you’re supposed to talk about what kind of evidence you have and what witnesses you’re going to use.
Laurens: We don’t…really have those things.
Judge: You don’t have witnesses?
Hamilton: We have ourselves as witnesses.
Judge: Well, this is going to be a short trial. Prosecution, do you have an opening statement?
Commander: Oui. The defense has been accused of multiple counts of criminal activities. Using letters, criminal records, and a signed confession, we will prove that they are guilty. We will also be using them as witnesses.
Judge: See, that’s what I mean. There’s some actual evidence.
Steuben: I’ve got some evidence.
Judge: You do?
Steuben: Yeah, evidence that you’re a little-
Hamilton: [talking over Steuben] No, he doesn’t! We’re done with the opening statements!
Judge: Gee, I wonder what he was going to finish that sentence with.
- There were few things TJ loved more than nature/agriculture. He literally counted out 2,500 fucking pea seeds because he wanted to see how many filled a pint glass like I mean I’m pretty dang nerdy but that’s on a whole other level.
- In reality, Henry Laurens and GDubs got along really well, especially after Henry stood by GDubs during the Conway Cabal, but you know what? Washington ain’t writing this fanfic, I am, and I personally think that Henry Laurens is a little bitch so I will portray him as such.
- Shout-out to Francois de Barbe-Marbois for blessing us with this knowledge. I have never heard of him before, but in a letter he wrote that Washington “sometimes throws and catches a ball for whole hours with his aides-de-camp”, so I am eternally grateful to him. I’m just picturing GDubs throwing a ball to Laf but Laf has no coordination at all so it hits him in the head and then GDubs starts freaking out.
- Laurens was actually one of the leaders for the battle he was killed in, but Washington was still the Commander-in-chief for the whole army.
- Henry Laurens had quite a temper and once during a Congress meeting, he threatened to kick the secretary, Charles Thomson. Thomson responded by making a fist and saying, “you dare not” and I wish, with all of my heart, that he had just absolutely kicked Henry’s ass. But alas.
- There were a lot of “IOUs” from Steuben that were found in Hamilton’s papers, which is really sweet on Hamilton’s part if you think about it. He knew Steuben was chronically broke, he knew Steuben probably wouldn’t be able to repay him, and he lent him money anyway without asking for anything in return.
- You may be thinking to yourself, “Wow, Jefferson smuggled something? That’s actually pretty cool! Maybe he isn’t a complete nerd.” If so, then you are wrong. He didn’t smuggle weapons or alcohol or cocaine or anything mildly interesting. HE SMUGGLED. FUCKING. RICE. I’m just…at a loss for words.
- Madison was the main person behind the Constitution
- Laf wanted to spread the ideas of democracy to France and helped write the Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen, along with TJ, who I guess was taking a break from his rice-smuggling.
[The court is in session.]
Judge: All right, the prosecution may call its first witness.
Commander: Our first witness is…Alexander Hamilton.
Hamilton: Wait, why me?
Lawyer: There’s no real reason why, we’re just going in alphabetical order. We haven’t put a lot of thought into this case since you guys are pretty much screwed no matter what.
Judge: On what grounds?
Laurens: They’re talking shit!
Judge: Well, talk shit back, then. I can’t be expected to solve all of your problems for you. And Hamilton, come to the stand.
[Hamilton goes up to the witness stand.]
Lawyer: Did you have any involvement with Washington’s assassination of the French official?
Hamilton: He didn’t assassinate him.
Commander: Did we fucking ask that?
Hamilton: Well, if he didn’t do it, it’d be impossible to be involved with it.
Commander: So were you involved with it?
Hamilton: I just fucking said it’d be impossible.
Commander: It’s a simple yes-or-no question!
Hamilton: Fine! No!
Lawyer: Then why did you feel the need to go to the French compound and try to get him out of prison?
Hamilton: [sarcastically] Gee, I don’t know, maybe because prison is bad? Especially since he didn’t even do it.
Lawyer: Moving on to the next charge. Are you or have you ever been in a romantic relationship with another man?
Laurens: Objection! This is an irrelevant question!
Judge: How the fuck is that in any way irrelevant to the case?
Laurens: Uh, because, um…
Laurens: Because…he’s innocent! We all are! So there’s no need to ask any questions.
Judge: …I don’t think you know how court works.
Laurens: Do I not know? Or do I know it even better than you do?
Lawyer: Can we get back to the witness?
Hamilton: It all depends on your definition of the word “romantic”.
Commander: It’s the definition that’s in the fucking dictionary.
Hamilton: Oh, well, in that case…uh…look, I am a happily-married man with 8 wonderful children.
Commander: If you’re as happily married as you claim, then I assume you’ve never had an affair?
Commander: [holds up a thick stack of papers] And you’ve never written an in-depth 95-page pamphlet going into unnecessary detail about the affair1?
Commander: And you’ve never published said pamphlet for the whole public to read only weeks after your wife had given birth2?
Jefferson: Ha! Expose that bitch!
Hamilton: Okay, a, go fuck yourself Jefferson, and b, no one ever would’ve known about it if that little bitch Monroe hadn’t started spreading rumors3!
Jefferson: It wasn’t Monroe who started those rumors.
Hamilton: What? Yes, it was. He was the one who first found out about it and confronted me with the evidence.
Jefferson: Yeah, then he showed me the letters, and I was the one who started the rumors4.
Jefferson: That’s right, ass goblin! It was me!
Hamilton: YOU RUINED. MY ENTIRE. FUCKING. CAREER.
Jefferson: And it felt so damn good! [laughs, totally baked]
Hamilton: You fucking piece of shit stoner, I’m gonna kick your ginger ass back to Virginia!
Lawyer: Uh…isn’t this, like, contempt of court?
Judge: [eating popcorn] No, what this is is fucking hilarious!
Hamilton: [getting out of the witness stand] Come here, you fucking wuss!
Jefferson: [standing up] Oh, it is on like Konkey Dong!
Madison: Uh…that’s…not the phrase… [Jefferson starts climbing onto the table] And Thomas, I wouldn’t do that.
Jefferson: BODY SLAM!
[Jefferson jumps off the table and lands flat onto the ground, completely missing Hamilton.]
Hamilton: The fuck was that?
Jefferson: I’d like to see you come back from that!
Hamilton: You didn’t hit-
Jefferson: Just like you tried to come back from the Reynolds’ Affair! And failed!
Hamilton: THAT’S IT, MOTHERFUCKER!
[Hamilton jumps onto Jefferson. They start rolling around on the floor, yelling insults at each other.]
Judge: Does…does this happen a lot?
Washington: Nah, just a couple of times an hour.
[Jefferson bites down on Hamilton’s arm. Hamilton lets out a shriek.]
Hamilton: I’VE BEEN HIT! MAN DOWN, MAN DOWN!
Laurens: [points at Hamilton dramatically] Your Honor, he is obviously in no condition to stay on the stand. I request that he is pulled from the stand and the next witness be brought forward!
Judge: On one condition.
Laurens: What is that?
Judge: That they meet in the pit after the trial. I wanna see how this ends.
Laurens: Honestly, they were probably gonna do that anyway. But sure.
[The judge bangs his gavel.]
Judge: All right, Hamilton, you may leave the stand. [looks over and sees Hamilton on the floor, wrestling with Jefferson] Oh, right, you already have. Prosecution, call your next witness forward!
Lawyer: Next up is…Thomas Jefferson!
Jefferson: Oh shit, that me. [stands up unsteadily. Hamilton reaches up and slaps him. After a delayed response, Jefferson swats him back.] Sorry, my reflexes are kinda slow today, cause…um…cause…I’m a ginger.
Hamilton: Yeah, because that makes a lot of fucking sense.
Jefferson: Look here, you… [points at Hamilton, then at himself with an unsteady finger] Look! This is the face of the person who single-handedly ruined your future. Except it wasn’t me. It was you. Cause you’re the one that couldn’t keep it in your pants.
Commander: Jefferson, shut the hell up and get to the stand.
Jefferson: All right, all right…I will…eventually.
[Jefferson starts stumbling towards the witness stand. Steuben raises his hand.]
Steuben: If we can’t afford a proper burial, will the court provide one for us?
Laurens: [unconvincingly] Don’t say that, Baron…We can still win…
[Jefferson bumps into the witness stand.]
Jefferson: Don’t worry, everyone, I’ve found the stand!
Laurens: …But, uh, just to be safe, you might want to start working on a will5.
- That’s right, he wrote 95 pages calling out himself. Apparently, starting a fight with like every single other person on the planet wasn’t enough, so he had to drag his own ass.
- William Stephen Hamilton was born on August 4th, 1797. The Reynolds’ Pamphlet was published on August 25th, 1797. 10/10 on the timing, Hamilton, A+ job.
- Okay so in 1792 James Reynold got arrested for forgery, and he was like “Hey Hamilton old buddy old pal wanna get me out of jail?” and Hamilton was like “new phone who dis?” so in retaliation Reynolds told Monroe that Hamilton had been stealing money from the government. Naturally Monroe confronted Hamilton about this. Hamilton said that he had done no such thing and proved it by telling Monroe about his sex life, giving Monroe the letters from Maria and James Reynolds. (He also asked Monroe to make copies of the letters for him to keep, idk why, maybe he just liked being reminded of his fuck-ups.) Monroe promised not to make the information public, so when it did become public 5 years later, Hamilton blamed Monroe. Monroe claimed that he had kept his word and that he did not send the letters to the newspapers, he had just given the letters to (drumroll)… “a respectable character in [Virginia].” GEE I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE. WHO IS A VIRGINIAN THAT IS FRIENDS WITH MONROE, IS PETTY AS FUCK, AND HATES HAMILTON???
- So TJ has these incriminating letters that could ruin Hamilton’s career that his friend Monroe gave him for safekeeping. Obviously, he does the morally right thing by keeping the letters secret and refusing to get involved LOL JK I’m just messing with you, I can’t even imagine a world where Jefferson does not do the pettiest thing possible. In reality, he gave the letters to a fellow by the name of James Callender, (some people think it was actually John Beckley, the clerk that copied the letters, who gave him the letters, but I refuse to believe that Hamilton’s downfall was orchestrated by anyone besides Jefferson.) who published them in a pamphlet, which led to Hamilton being confessing everything. All in all, Jefferson won, at least until 1802, when Callender published articles (correctly) claiming that Jefferson had children by Sally Hemings. Callender then proceeded to become an alcoholic and drowned in 1803. So really, the only person who won is me, since I live for this kind of stupid-ass drama.
- If you want to read Steuben’s actual will, it’s here.