1 - 20 of 115 Works by Vulgarweed

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  1. Tags
    Summary

    Sherlock Holmes, a young Consulting Apprentice Detective, has a weird libido, a busy hand, and a terrible problem. He has attracted the attention of Mistress Irene and the Criminal Ambassador - and Mistress Irene has ways of keeping tabs on her favorites.

     

    Like many Oglaf fans, I don't understand why Cumsprite AUs aren't almost as ubiquitous as Daemon AUs. If you're not a fan of the very brilliant, very funny, and very filthy Oglaf webcomic, go click on that and come back here once you are.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,511
    Chapters:
    13/?
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    265
    Kudos:
    85
    Bookmarks:
    9
    Hits:
    1001
  2. Tags
    Summary

    1976. Bone Fiddle-verse; Appalachian AU. A couple years into their relationship, John and Sherlock are cozily setting up for spring with Mrs. Hudson's expert guidance when a distraught young woman appeals to them for help and sends them on one of their strangest cases yet - in order to solve one murder and prevent another, they must tangle with a sinister preacher and enter the much-sensationalized, little-understood world of Pentecostal Holiness believers who strictly observe Mark 16: 17-18.

     

    (And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; they shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.)

     

    Written for significanceofmoths, my second bidder in the Fandom Trumps Hate auction. Thank you for your generous donation to Planned Parenthood!

    Huge thanks to Iwantthatcoat, beta reader supreme!

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,166
    Chapters:
    3/?
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    101
    Kudos:
    77
    Bookmarks:
    7
    Hits:
    480
  3. Tags
    Summary

    For this prompt at https://sherlockkinkmeme.tumblr.com:

    "Sherlock and John worked through their post S4 issues and are together, and John is shocked to find out Sherlock has been avoiding Molly out of guilt. John tells him he can’t come until he gives Molly the best orgasm of her life as an apology. Sherlock obeys John’s orders and gives Molly an orgasm as required, and then gives her another immediately after…just because he somewhat unexpectedly finds he enjoys doing this for her so much. ( Molly’s big smile at the end of s4) "

    Huge thanks to Persian_Slipper (Luthe) for the fantastic beta work!

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    7,026
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    31
    Kudos:
    77
    Bookmarks:
    10
    Hits:
    570
  4. Tags
    Summary

    “Brother mine, the dark clouds gathering have long stalked you, from the days of our home eyrie, and at last I shall tell you the full tale of our lost sister.”

    “It was news to me that we had one. It would have gone less ill for us had I learned of this sooner.”

    “You remember nothing, then. I thought as much. I shall tell you the full tale of Eurys our sister, burned through and corrupted by the East Wind where long she soared in circles, with the flames of madness in her eyes and the soot of Mordor in her feathers. The lost nestmate long imprisoned since our first eyrie burned. You were barely more than hatchlings, you and she, when first she tried to slay you. ”

    ***

    The third and final Eagle-centric Tolkien story for my Fandom Trumps Hate bidder lydiabennet (Teasel). I so enjoyed our email exchange with your ideas - you inspired me to write a story that never would have existed otherwise.

    Massive thanks to my betas Tyellas and iwantthatcoat!

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    6,754
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    3
    Kudos:
    12
    Hits:
    99
  5. Tags
    Summary

    As Olórin and Aiwendil, two of the Maiar who will become the Istari, travel from Valinor to Middle-earth via Giant Eagle Airlines over the Sundering Sea, they experience some in-flight turbulence. Eagles are not servants, and the minor inconvenience of passengers does nothing to deter them from their own necessities and pleasures.

    In love with one another and fearful of what lies ahead, the future Gandalf and Radagast don't mind using the detour for an interlude of their own.

     

    Written for lydiabennet/Teasel in the 2017 Fandom Trumps Hate Auction. Thank you so much for your generous donations to Natural Resources Defense Council and The Nature Conservancy.

    Part 2 of the Eyrie Tales trilogy, stories centered on the giant eagles of Middle-earth.

    Huge thanks to my betas Anarfea and Tyellas!

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,167
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    5
    Kudos:
    11
    Bookmarks:
    2
    Hits:
    60
  6. Tags
    Summary

    For the 2017 Wits on Tap poetry-remix challenge. Inspired by the gorgeous, sexy, lusty Ocean Treasure by consulting-smartass, which is a romantic and erotic Merlock/Octojohn tale.

    This is just a dirty sea shanty that won't do it justice, but I do hope someone drunkenly sings it at a con someday. The tune is basically "South Australia."

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    381
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    32
    Kudos:
    60
    Bookmarks:
    4
    Hits:
    546
  7. Tags
    Summary

    Bone Fiddle-verse, Appalachian AU. On a lazy, rainy Sunday morning, Sherlock tells John a smutty and (mostly) true story. John's got some mixed feelings about Sherlock's promiscuous past, but he can't deny what hearing about it in lascivious detail does to him - especially now that he's the only one safely naked in bed with him.

     

    For Shabet, aka redmageshabet in the 2017 Fandom Trumps Hate Auction. Thank you so much for your generous donation to the Anti-Defamation League!

    Massive thanks to my beta-readers alexxphoenix42, iwantthatcoat and Persian_Slipper (Luthe).

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    10,614
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    44
    Kudos:
    155
    Bookmarks:
    19
    Hits:
    1802
  8. Tags
    Summary

    Book/movie verse mishmash. Out of the frying pan and into the fire: rescued from goblins and orcs and Wargs and flames, Thorin’s company now must cope with the hospitality of the Lord of the Eagles and his folk. Bilbo’s Tookish side is not only up to the challenge, but goes above and beyond.

    Written for lydiabennet in the 2017 Fandom Trumps Hate Auction. Thank you so much for your generous donations to Natural Resources Defense Council and The Nature Conservancy

    This is the first of Eyrie Tales, a collection of three stories centered on the Giant Eagles of Middle-earth.

    All praise to my beta readers, Tyellas and Iwantthatcoat.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    8,135
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    13
    Kudos:
    32
    Bookmarks:
    3
    Hits:
    271
  9. Tags
    Summary

    Sequel to After Me, the Deluge. You don't really need to have read that to understand this ... just take it as a given that Mary the super-assassin received some top-secret biotech enhancements at Baskerville - which are revealed to a larger audience when her past comes to a head in an aquarium, at the barrel of Vivian Norbury's gun. The fallout also exposes the true nature of the relationship between Mary, John, and Sherlock.

    During an enforced discreet holiday out of London, new revelations come to light in the tidal-pools of Sussex.

    Written in less than 24 hours for the Come at Once challenge on LJ. Unbeta'd. For Marta. Prompt was "for science." I shamelessly plundered "The Adventure of the Lion's Mane."

    AMAZING found-poetry remix by zaffre: Tidal Flow

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,733
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    3
    Comments:
    49
    Kudos:
    72
    Bookmarks:
    2
    Hits:
    984
  10. Tags
    Summary

    Written for Daxarve in the 2016 Good Omens Holiday Exchange. A long historical view of two of Crowley's favorite pleasures of the world: sleep and houseplants.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,290
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    6
    Kudos:
    32
    Bookmarks:
    3
    Hits:
    223
  11. Tags
    Summary

    I had a mess of these sitting around on my Livejournal, and will likely write more. Odds and sods that don't fit in the larger stories. Each drabble will be its own chapter.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,258
    Chapters:
    10/?
    Comments:
    245
    Kudos:
    242
    Bookmarks:
    10
    Hits:
    2769
  12. Tags
    Summary

    Dark secrets of Mary’s past are coming to light, with unimaginable consequences for her, and for John, and for Sherlock.

    The trigger word is “architeuthis.”

    ***

    (That’s really all the summary you’re getting right now. It’s cracky and smutty, and it’s true that No Archive Warnings Apply, and that’s all I’ll say. If you want to find out what Mary’s dark secret is, you have to read it. Mind the rating and pairing.)

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,034
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    40
    Kudos:
    86
    Bookmarks:
    10
    Hits:
    966
  13. Tags
    Summary

    Slightly spoiled by the safety of Menegroth, Iaun wanders far from the city and takes a swim in the River Sirion - and finds himself in the clutches of questionable Ossë, the Maia of water and storms who was seduced for a time by Melkor himself. Iaun is not pleased by his concern-trolling and kink-shaming about the nature of his relationship with Sérelókë. Sérelókë is even less pleased.

    Insult is given; satisfaction is demanded.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    12,939
    Chapters:
    3/3
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    26
    Kudos:
    59
    Bookmarks:
    8
    Hits:
    1267
  14. Tags
    Summary

    John Watson is just fine with being in danger - because it's the quiet, slow times that often feel more dangerous.

    This story riffs on the opening scenes of “The Adventure of the Cardboard Box.” Title comes from “The Unknown Soldier” by the Doors. Written for the program book for Sherlock Seattle/Watson Washington 2016; it had to be an exclusive until after the con but now it can run free.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,226
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    32
    Kudos:
    101
    Bookmarks:
    5
    Hits:
    847
  15. Tags
    Summary

    “You’re certainly not the Mary Morstan my Watson married. But you’re a Mary Morstan that a Watson married.”

    Time-travel shenanigans have 19th-century Sherlock Holmes (as played by Jeremy Brett) having to team up with 21st-century Mary Morstan to restore everyone to their proper timelines.

    Written for the flashfic challenge during the Writing Erotica panel at Sherlock Seattle/Watson Washington. Jinglebell provided AMAZING prompts for characters, sexual acts, locations, and quotes. I got:

    Mary, Granada-Jeremy Brett Holmes, Collaring, Rough Sex, Mycroft's Private Plane, "What a thing to say, and on my birthday besides"

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    538
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    8
    Kudos:
    43
    Bookmarks:
    2
    Hits:
    388
  16. Tags
    Summary

    “Of course it’s very wrong, but we can’t all be moralists, and the distribution of wealth is very wrong to begin with.” (AJ Raffles, “The Ides of March,” E.W. Hornung)

    “Mary Morstan” is a down-on-her luck assassin who’s been wanting to reform, but she finds herself deep in debt and thereby with even less hope for a retirement plan that isn’t made of lead. In desperation she appeals to a wealthier acquaintance - Irene Adler, The Woman, one of the top pro Dommes in the world. It turns out that Irene has another, even more lucrative source of income that isn’t quite cricket - and that’s where she needs an assistant. But before Mary is initiated into all Irene’s secrets, she first must pledge her loyalty. And it's Irene's business to deduce just what Mary really needs.

    This belongs to an AU I’ve had in my head for a long time, starring Irene and Mary as a kinky lesbian jewel heist team. Apologies are due to Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, the Velvet Underground, and most of all to E. W. Hornung.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    8,755
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    3
    Comments:
    9
    Kudos:
    39
    Bookmarks:
    5
    Hits:
    652
  17. Tags
    Summary

    (Bookverse: post-quest, post-Scouring of the Shire). When Frodo falls ill while Sam is off planting trees to restore the Shire with the aid of Galadriel’s gift, it falls to Rosie to help tend to him. His wounds go much deeper than flesh - and so does Rosie’s healing offer.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,931
    Chapters:
    1/2
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    11
    Kudos:
    21
    Bookmarks:
    2
    Hits:
    172
  18. Tags
    Summary

    Captain John Watson endures bondage and sensory deprivation, among other enhanced interrogation techniques. Worst of all: manscaping.

    Consensual kink play, established John/Sherlock/Mary poly triad. Almost certainly a scene from Genetic Markers-verse, but just a few lines strongly suggest that.

    Written for the "Sensory Deprivation" or "Shaving/Waxing" squares on my Season of Kink card.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,120
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    3
    Comments:
    18
    Kudos:
    79
    Bookmarks:
    6
    Hits:
    921
  19. Tags
    Summary

    "It's a bonny thing," said he. "Just see how it glints and sparkles. Of course it is a nucleus and focus of crime. Every good stone is. They are the devil's pet baits. In the larger and older jewels every facet may stand for a bloody deed.” - Sherlock Holmes, The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle, Arthur Conan Doyle

    Sequel to With Both Hands Thou Shalt Give It. After Melkor murdered Finwë and stole the Silmarils, fleeing to the lands across the sea, Fëanor, the Silmarils’ maker, led an army in hot pursuit to avenge his father and reclaim his treasure, swearing an oath that would doom them all. And the Fëanorians were followed by the eccentric, brilliant, and fearlessly kinky Maia detective called Sérelókë, who can always be trusted to stick his nose (and other parts) into the meat of any fascinating and dangerous crime. In Beleriand, he will find a rich playground for all his passions, and meet a companion who will change his life forever.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    50,525
    Chapters:
    10/10
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    107
    Kudos:
    92
    Bookmarks:
    23
    Hits:
    2140
  20. Tags
    Summary

    For the Wits On Tap Challenge - a slightly dysfunctional English sonnet for two slightly dysfunctional Englishmen. A poetic remix of the wonderful, atmospheric My Heart the Red Sun, Your Heart the Moon Clouded by tiltedsyllogism.

    Syl's story is a songfic inspired by Mystery by the Indigo Girls, so I took my title from that song as well.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    153
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    19
    Kudos:
    40
    Bookmarks:
    1
    Hits:
    283

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