Comment on Everybody Asks Me How I Know

  1. I'll take that hug, please and thank you :DD

    It was very interesting to write about Clint's orientation. I thought it fit the character rather nicely (especially the Fraction's version) because he's typically the kind of person who wouldn't reflect on his preferences at all, rather letting other people dictate what he should like, and being continously uneasy (and even miserable) in his relationships as a result.
    I'm not saying Clint got bullied into them or something. I'm saying he's so desperate to fit in, he'll go with what works and run with it. In the comics, he's in a somewhat functioning relationship with Jess (though obviously they haven't discussed at all what they both expected out of it) and then he goes and sleeps with Cherry. Like, Clint: no. Cheating is bad. But I don't think he did it because he didn't care about Jess' feelings. I think he did it because he could - so he must. He's still stuck in the awkward teenage mentality of "she LIKES me? Oh god she actually likes me. This never happens. Don't fuck it up. Don't fuck it up." He's so deeply insecure he doesn't realize that actually, yes, it does happen quite often, so he can relax about it instead of jumping at every opportunity like it's a miracle someone would get interested in him. He's been told he was trash all his life, and he had to work so hard to fit in, and the Avengers are NOT HELPING with his inferiority complex because he's gotta work so hard to keep up. So even though his life is actually not that bad - he owns a place, he has lots of good friends, he can form relationships - he's still mostly driven by the fear of abandonment. Doesn't quite excuse his cheating on Jess, but I think it does explain it. Clint is genuinely desperate for attention and because of that he will do anything to respond to people's expectations. The thing is, you can't give all of yourself to every person you meet and expect no one to get hurt.
    Then comes along Bruce. And here's the thing about Bruce: he expects NOTHING out of Clint. Even quite some time after Clint started helping him, Bruce still wouldn't be surprised or disappointed if Clint kicked him out of the building. So for the first time in... maybe ever? Clint has the opportunity to form a relationship he has zero pressure to form. There are no sexual, romantic or social expectations, not even basic human decency expectations. Clint is held to nothing but his own standards. And he never, ever reflected on them, since going along other people's standards is his default setting. He's surprised to realize he actually likes Bruce even when no one expects him to. Like he says after their first mutual hug, he has no idea what he wants from Bruce, because it's literally the first time it's his turn to dictate the terms of the relationship. It's literally the first time he can form feelings first, without them being solicited. And he doesn't consciously realize it, but it's SUCH a relief. That's why he feels everything is so easy with Bruce. And that's why the relationship is solid - it started out with no expectations on both sides and they had the opportunity to make their own along the way.
    So the love between them grows with no name - no label on it. Clint isn't sexually attracted to guys, but sex is so not the point. They're each other's safe, happy place, and they love to bask in it so they want to be together all the time. They're at peace around each other, and that's such a rare thing in their lives. So is this love? Is this "just" friendship? At this point, what's the difference between the two? I mean - I have friends I genuinely love and wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with. The only reason we don't is social expectations. The line between friendship and love doesn't make much sense to me. Friendship is love. And of course, there's the added dimension of kink (their brand of kink is quite autobiographic) which adds a sensual dimension to the relationship. Sex was mostly another way for Clint to put pressure on himself; when he subs, he can bask in Bruce's touch without stressing out about it. (Except when he is stressed out and needs to feel useful, see chapter 3.)

    Ohno, I ranted. Hope I didn't bore you. Thanks again for commenting! ^^

    Comment Actions
    1. Nyot Trask

      Bore me? Excuse you? I am grinning like a cheshire cat. There's a lot of stuff in your comment that I'd like to make some people understand. And it makes me even more happy about Bruce/Clint. It's a wonderful analysis/interpretation of their characters and the resulting relationship. As someone who lives in an open relationship, I am often equally confused about the difference between friendship and romantic love and I love the way you write kink. I am so looking forward to anything else you're going to write. And sorry for not commenting more often. I'm reading pretty much everything on my ebook-reader, otherwise I'd probably COMMENT ON ALL THE CHAPTERS! And now I'll ponder whether or not read The Mortal Sin. I'm always hesitant about non-con and character deaths. I love reading it, but they often leave me in deeper emotional distress than I like to admit. And I'm ok with admitting a lot.

      Comment Actions
      1. You're commenting at all, it's already wonderful :D

        You can read the first two parts of the Mortal Sin, they stand on their own. The character death is only in the third part. (The non-con is there from the beginning, though, but it's in a flashback if it'll help?) Mortal Sin is one of the works I'd give up on if asked, though. I don't consider it representative of my writing, headcanons or characterization anymore. (It did help me analyze Loki's character though, and I can still read my own thought processes between the lines.) Still, it's filled with clichés and awkward lines (to me anyway) and I just... I don't like it anymore. ^^ The dreadful fate of old art, haha.

        Comment Actions
        1. Nyot Trask

          I know that feeling of looking at old works and thinking: "Wow, how did I think this was good?", but first thing: It probably is still not half as bad as you think to an outside person and second: I have read all of your newer stuff already so it's either looking for other writers I can read up on (which is hard and includes probably reading through tons of stuff that is not my style first) or having a break of reading fanfiction (which right now doesn't appear as an option tbh) or reading Mortal Sin. So I guess, Mortal Sin it is. I guess I'll see, if it's too much cliché. So far I am through 40 pages and I like it.
          I will consider not reading the third part, but I know me. I'll probably read it, though. That's just how I work. And so far, no amount of fanfiction-distress had any effect beyond me having to calm down and ramble to some friends for the next few hours. I got this. Hopefully.

          Comment Actions
          1. Well, you know best. Take care. :D (There's also His True Colors though, unless you read that one already? ^^ And then go try Arkada's stuff, it's gorgeous.)

            Comment Actions