Description of emotional trauma - heartwrenching. It felt real and difficult and pulled me right in. I loved that Steve went with the clean-up crews; it felt like such a Steve thing to do.
Also, points for use of the phrase "dames swooned," because that was awesome, and for the sentence "He hates the 21st century, in all of its detached glory." That was a beautifully constructed sentence.
Grammatically speaking, I loved the (mostly) proper use of commas, because almost no one properly uses commas.
There were a couple grammatical/spelling errors, though; Tony's line "the fact I even know your awake" was missing an apostrophe and an e, for example. "Whole up in his lab" should be "hole up in his lab," and "Stark phones and says he back" is missing an apostrophe and an s. Also it's not "Saki" but "sake" and not "Helocarrier" but "Helicarrier." Those pulled me right back out of the story.
Wonderful first chapter overall, though, and I really enjoyed reading it, and I'm really looking forward to the next. And the next, and the next, and so on.
Comment on my universe will never be the same (i'm glad you came)
DanaHazel on Chapter 1
Posted Wed 25 Jul 2012 12:24AM EDT
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