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lesser known celebrations

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Earth’s Rotation Day

Vanessa wrapped her legs tightly around Wade’s waist as he spun around in circles.

“Whoa, I’m getting really dizzy,” Wade said. “It’s definitely affecting my brain.”

“Should we stop?”

“No, it’s a turn on. Okay, I’m ready to start the orbit around the bed now.”

“Don’t forget to-”

“I know the difference between a circle and an ellipse, Vanessa!”

--

Benjamin Franklin Day

Wade sat there in his kite costume waiting for a long time.

Finally, Vanessa came out of the bedroom wearing a long coat with tails, bifocals, and a Ben Franklin wig. She was carrying a violent wand decorated with a lightning bolt.

“Mmmm. That is so hot.”

“Early to bed and early to rise…”

“I’m rising right now.”

--

Alfred Hitchcock Day

Wade walked cautiously into the bedroom.

Vanessa held up the stick that had a dozen dildos hanging from it by strings. She stood on the chair and bounced the stick so all the dildos were attacking Wade’s head.

“The birds! The birds!” Wade yelled, and Vanessa couldn’t help but giggle.

--

Thank Your Mailman Day

“Well?”

Wade shrugged. “The Mailman says he doesn’t want to have a threesome with us. But he said to tell you that he’s very, very flattered.”

--

 

Thesaurus Day

“Yeah, I love fucking you,” Wade said, groaning.

“I love screwing you,” Vanessa replied.

“I love boning you.”

“I love sexing you up.”

“I love humping you.”

“I love tapping that ass.”

“I love smashing you.”

“I love making love to you.”

“Aww, nice one, sweetie. I love nailing you into the wall.”

“Good one. I love shagging you.”

“British? So classy! I love slapping uglies with you.”

“I love riding you.”

“I love knocking boots with you.”

“I love playing hide the salami with you.”

“I love schtupping you.”

“I love hitting it with you.”

“I love plowing you.”

“I love making whoopee with you.”

“What is this, the Newlywed Game? I love pounding you.”

“I love boinking you.”

“I love bumping nasties with you.”

“I love sailing the KY river with you.”

“…You totally made that up!”

“Still counts.”

--

Static Electricity Day

“Ahh, that was great!” Vanessa said, smiling.

Wade frowned. “But I thought the balloons would stay on our hair the whole time.”

“Maybe the sweat affected the static electricity.”

“Maybe. We should do like a science fair project to determine the best way to keep static electricity on our hair balloons constant during sex. We could make one of those posters and go to a local school to show it. We could even do one of those baking soda volcanoes, but instead of an erupting volcano, we’d make a giant, spurting dick!“

“Really? You think that would be appropriate?”

“Yeah. What?”

“Wade,” Vanessa said, gently chiding.

“I’m sorry, honey. I’m being ridiculous. Obviously, we’ll also do a giant squirting baking soda vagina too.”

Vanessa smiled. “That’s better.”