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Five Times Someone Raided Tony's Cheese Fridge

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1. Amora
She says it's not a raid if it's freely given. As usual, the Enchantress doesn't so much cross her fingers as exude insincerity. Tony reviews the security footage and can't find anything to argue with (but he knows he'd never give away that roquefort), but he doesn't think to enhance his own eyes. The resolution might not have been enough to capture the heart-shaped pupils, anyway. And Jarvis’s cameras definitely can't record the shimmering, illusory hearts bubbling around his head.

 

2. Janet
Jan will gossip with anything that stands still long enough, and JARVIS does nothing but stand still. She got her labwork done in thirty minutes this morning and then spent the remainder of her lab time planning parties. Now she’s just arranging a few essential details with JARVIS and working on a new design for Natasha’s evening gown and putting the finishing touches on her next fashion show (Tigra is such an amazing model, it’s just great to design around her style!) and Mary Jane has a red carpet event next week that Jan needs to get started on. Luckily, once the design is finalized, her fabricators can whip it up in a heartbeat. So much to do, so little time!

Anyway, she’d swear it’s only been fifteen minutes, but her eyes are fuzzy and stomach growls when she finally says goodbye to JARVIS. Tony won’t mind if she raids his fridge, even if he has recently installed a laser defense grid. Tony's just so dramatic! Anyway, he’ll never notice, he’s got cheese coming out his ears.

And now she’s thinking about cheese earrings. Maybe carved out of a very hard cheese? She could do a whole cheese themed outfit! Eeeeeeeeeee!

 

3. Doreen
She was using Tony's computer, which is a totally reasonable and normal thing to do (everyone else does, ok?) and she ran out of nuts! And Tony’s place is way closer than the dining commons, all the way across campus.

She has Tony’s master-ultra-override password, so JARVIS lets her right through and even unlocks the fridge for her. Because she and Tony are best bros! They team up all the time. Well, it turns out he doesn’t have any nuts (she may need a new bro, what kind of person doesn’t have any nuts?), but he does have some very nutty aged gouda. That’ll get her through ‘til she can get back to the nut fridge in her own dorm, anyway.

 

3. Natasha
The Black Widow comes in through a secret passage, right into Tony's kitchen (or is it a lab? That boy has no understanding of food safety). She hacked the system yesterday so she could plan for all the defenses. Now she activates Stealth Mode and traverses the laser grid with her usual panache. Next time, maybe she can skip all the hacking and rely on her invisibility tech, but that’s still in the testing phase.

Earlier, she found Tony making a scene at Club A and swiped his ID card, so it’s the work of a moment to access his high-tech fridge lock. Behind her, Peggy has stepped out of the secret passage entrance and is leaning against the wall. Nat blows her a kiss and Peggy winks back. Natasha locks the fridge up again, prizes in hand, and ghosts back over the laser grid with some really lovely blue cheese and a tiny (expensive) wheel of brie. “See? Easy as pie. Now, let me show you the best place on campus for eavesdropping....”

 

4. Pepper
Pepper’s not so worried about ponies, bunnies, or cupcakes. At worst, she suspects Singularity will accept Tony’s unicorn and the Black Knight’s horse in lieu of ponies. They’ve got a palm tree from that weird beach-themed party someone (Tony) threw, almost a year ago. Steve and Bucky will help her out with motorcycles, and T’Challa can probably supply some vibranium. Singularity will have no problem making friends, and Pep will be sure to point her at Kamala and Trish, who have got the comics side of things covered. Peter probably has an extra camera floating around the photo studio. Chocolate, bread, and a kayak are easy purchases. The dinosaur can come from one of Spider Gwen’s alternate universes, probably. And Pepper had damn well better find a combustible gas leak detector pen with auto-calibration function in the lab, considering how much time she’s spent improving lab safety over there.

Now, Pep could certainly go out and buy cheese. She could get some very nice cheese, and expense it to the Academy, and Fury wouldn’t bat an eyelash. But considering how many of Tony’s fires she puts out, she isn’t above a little payback. So when Pepper says “I’ll see if Tony has any extra cheese,” well, she might just have plans to confiscate all of it, down to the last rind of parmesan destined for the bottom of a stew pot. Her smile widens, and she sends Singularity off to battle Frost Giants with a light heart. Revenge will be sweet.

 

5. Trish
At this point, Tony’s pretty much given up hope. Laser grids are powered down. Doors stand open. There’s sometimes the quiet thump of a fridge door being opened… and then closed… and then muffled weeping. So Trish can pretty much waltz in the front door when she gets the urge to have a snack.

Kicking butt works up quite an appetite, so she goes for the biggest wheel of Swiss cheese she can find and scrambles out on to Stark Tower’s weird computer balcony to eat it. Who leaves computers out in the rain? Not that it ever does rain, here at Avengers Academy. Or really any kind of weather. She can’t remember it snowing, either, but there is snow everywhere… so it must have come down at some point. Right?

 

+1. Steve
Doing the Charleston is such a good workout, but Steve is starving and the commissary closed 20 minutes ago. So he's half looking-for-Tony and half looking-for-food, because Tony’s pretty good about keeping snacks. Tony's weird apartment/lab is unlocked (how do you get an apartment in the dorm, anyway? Shouldn't all the rooms be basically the same? Is it really safe to be doing Science where other people live? Steve already knows the answer to that: not the way Tony does science, for darn sure. — Anyway), so Steve thinks he might be at home.

The room is dark, but Steve trips loudly on a shoe and someone yelps and falls off the couch. Steve finds the lamp just as Tony makes it up off the floor, and the sudden flare of light reveals his impressively untidy hair and wide eyes.

“Steve! Hi, Steve! Hey!”

“Hey, Tony, sorry for startling you. Um, why were you lying on the couch in the dark?”

“Oh, y’know.” Tony waves a hand, brushing the question away. “What can I do for you?”

“What, I can’t come looking for my good friend Tony Stark at… half past ten on a Thursday night?” Tony raises his eyebrow. “Alright, you figured me out. I missed the last call for dinner, and I was hoping…?”

“I see how it is. You want me for my cheese! Just like everybody else.” Tony’s grin widens. “Step into my parlour, my dear Captain.”