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Meet the Parents

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J.P. lies back on his bed and grins at the ceiling. Then he looks at Oregon. She hasn’t sat down yet, preferring to stand with her arms wrapped tightly around her middle as though she expects to trip over a used condom or last night’s one-night-stand as soon as she moves. This does nothing to blunt his good mood.

‘You want me to do what?’ he asks.

‘Meet my parents?’ Oregon is cute when she’s embarrassed. ‘I mean, they’re kind of... traditional about things and they know that I’m dating someone and I think really they’d rather that that someone was you and not say, Vod.’

Vod and Oregon are the house’s new item. On a good night J.P. can hear them.

‘So you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend?’ he asks.

‘If it’s not too much trouble,’ Oregon says.

‘You want me to meet your parents, and hold hands and basically be a good upstanding citizen they’d be happy to leave their only daughter with?’

‘Well, yeah.’

‘And not even get laid into the bargain?’

‘Um, no.’

J.P. leans back again, like a king tired of listening to petitions.

‘Why would I do that?’

‘Please, J.P.,’ Oregon asks, approaching him and perching very delicately on the edge of his bed, as though she doesn’t quite trust the sheets. ‘I’d really appreciate it. You’re posh, I’m posh: they’ll love you. And they have no idea you were high last time they saw you. And you’re straight. And male.’

‘I am straight,’ J.P. muses.

‘Please?’ Oregon says. She’s pleading just enough that it’s kind of turning him on and J.P. remembers that he does technically have a lesbian in his bed. ‘I’d owe you one.’

‘I guess I could meet them for coffee or something,’ J.P. agrees grudgingly before his brain catches up with the rest of him.

‘Thank you,’ Oregon bounces forwards to hug him, her pink stripe of hair getting in his face and her tits pressing up against his chest in a way that’s quite pleasantly distracting. ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you. They’re going to love you!’

Then she dashes out, leaving J.P. feeling like he’s missing something. Oh well. Perhaps she’ll let him convince some of his old friends he’s got some friends with benefits thing going with his smoking hot lesbian housemate. Or that he’s turned her straight through pure desire. Really, fake dating is so much simpler than the normal kind.