When I saw David that night of the interview -oh god that was the last time I had seen him, I realized that if I had gone with him that night of the cocktail party 30 years ago, my whole life would’ve been caught up in his obsession of finding Vogel. No matter where we travelled, the fascade of contentment of being together would only mask the truth; the truth that we would forever live our lives, not pursuing that man, but rather running away in fear.
David hadn’t even given me a chance to follow him, to run away with him. Always knowing what was best in the long run, always trying to protect me. I didn’t want to be protected at the time, but in the end, he knew me best. Still, what I would give up to experience that love once again.
My current life was no different, still hiding from the truth, but somehow it hurt less than I imagined. My conscience didn’t allow me to run after David as a way of punishing myself, but also as an escape. Had I gone with David that night, would it have been a fairy tale ending? Two lovers reunited at last? No, my daughter would have suffered and Stephan, well, I don’t know. We can’t go back. We cannot change what has happened. I was easier to always live the more mediocre relationship with Stephan, instead of seeing a beautiful love be torn apart.
But hearts can’t help but feel that familiar jolt of electricity; it knew the old rhythmic beat that only David sparked. And there I was, in the taxi driving away, not even giving a proper ‘hello’ or ‘goodbye.’
Now he’s gone, and my heart won’t stop beating. It won’t stop until we’ve finished what we started. It was the least I could do for all the years we had individually suffered the silent screaming in our bodies. Oh, the truth would set us free, but it would take our lives with it.