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Dear Sirs or Mesdames

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Dear Sirs or Mesdames,
I write to complain of my recent Tour. As you know, I was booked for the OTHER CONTINENT Tour; I had booked the SPECIAL RIDER, SHEIKH SUBSECTION for the period of one week.

I had expected, as per our contract, to be kidnapped, sold into SLAVERY, RAVISHEDOMT, SEDUCED, and so forth. Instead, shortly after arrival, I found myself PREGNANT, and, although VIRGIN, married to a SHEIKH.

Frankly, if I had wanted to be up the duff, I could have stayed right here in Edinburgh. I booked your services having been assured that you delivered on the promises in your brochures to the letter. I expect not only a refund, but CHILD MAINTENANCE. I realise the latter is not mentioned in your instructive Guide, but my solicitors assure me that it is nonetheless not only applicable but inevitable.

Yours,
Anne Traveler (Miss).

Dear Miss Traveler,

We are grieved to hear of your misapprehension. You, or your agent, appear to have booked our FANATIC CALIPHATES [MILLS AND BOON] tour in the belief that you were booking our FANATIC CALIPHATES [E. M. HULL] tour. Whilst we regret to inform you that all bookings are final, we do have a possible solution in view.

Our researchers inform you that your blessed soon-to-be arrival is almost certainly a MISSING HEIR and, as such, will no doubt be in much demand on future Tours. We are therefore pleased to offer you a fifty-per-cent deduction on your next booking.

Yours very sincerely,
The Management.

Gentlemen — I am quite confident no lady would have written your previous letter —

I write from home, being unable to pass through the door without a KNAPSACK full of paracetamol, onesies, bibs, nappies, and other supplies I shrink to mention. The odds of my once more embarking on one of your tours are somewhere between nil and negative.

I repeat, what do you intend to do about child maintenance? Before I embarked on your tour, I had a promising career in management. At present, not only am I unable to work, but my landlord is threatening to evict me due to noise. I consider this entirely due to your incompetence. My travel agent assures me that she booked the appropriate Tour; I attach your receipt. My solicitors are champing at the bit.

Yours,
Anne Traveller (Miss)

Dear Miss Traveler,

I am sorry to inform you that the Tough Guide Touring Company has gone into receivership.

However, the successor company, Fantasyland on Ten Pieces of Gold a Day, has suggested a solution. As it happens, our first available tour begins in a BARBARIAN KINGDOM where infant sacrifice is not unknown. If — and this would of course be entirely against our principles — but I have said too much.

Yours sincerely,
J. Swift, Attorney-at-Law.

Dear Mr. or Mrs. Swift,

Check your doorstep.

Anne Traveller