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I guess most people are glad to know their brothers well because they can get them good presents, or something. I almost find it funny that I'm glad I know my brother well so I can kill him.
"If this doesn't work?" Robin asks, shrugging into his bulletproof vest.
"It'll work." I check the ammunition in the gun I'm keeping just in case, click on the safety, and tuck it in my trenchcoat. "And if it doesn't you're not the one that has to worry. The news crews would never leave me alone."
The joke tastes sour in my mouth, but I make it anyway. One does what one must to stay sane, and I'm not exactly all the way there at the moment. Maybe if I work hard enough I can manage before tomorrow.
After that, of course, it wouldn't matter.
I haven't given a great deal of thought to what will happen after I kill my brother and save the world. I might not even survive, but I'm not sure still if I should make an effort or not. We always said we'd go down together. Darkling would probably agree.
"Niko?"
"Mmm?"
"Just making sure you're still alive."
Robin's good company, or good enough. He keeps me from going completely nuts. Keeps me from thinking too much about what I'm going to do. I draw my katana and sit down to polish it, because the mindless exercise is something to do with my hands, and I can't sit idle. Idle, I think I might crack.
"This outfit look good?"
"As long as you don't mind getting blood on it," I drawl, going over Cal's weak spots again. I taught him; I know them all. I only have to find one, and then it'll be over. Darkling might be fast, but I can be faster.
There's a dull spot on my blade. I get the whetstone and begin sharpening it anew.
Ritual suicide is not unheard of, especially in the society this blade comes from. I wonder what Robin would do if I asked him to be my kaishakunin. I doubt he would be pleased. And I could not ask. I told Cal once that suicide was the coward's way out, and even if Cal no longer cares, I won't turn my back on my principles. Not even for letting my brother die.
Dear God, I might say, if I believed in Him, help me.
I don't want Cal to die slowly, even if there is nothing of him left to feel it. I want it to be a clean death. Everything my brother deserves that Darkling did not give him.
I am Caliban, Darkling sneers, and I know it lies.
"Niko?"
"Mmm," I say again, and look up this time. Robin seems almost concerned, so I hunt down a smile for him, though I suspect it is not entirely natural.
"You're quiet again. Penny for your thoughts?"
"You'd need more than a penny for those." I stand, and sheath the katana. The next time I draw it, the blade will find its last rest in my brother's body. Even if I live, I will never use it again.
Whatever is left of my brother deserves the best.
It is as meticulous as planning a funeral, this process, though in truth the mourning must be already over. I have cut my hair; there is no turning back. I look at myself in the mirror and do not know myself. My face is too thin, my hair ragged and uneven, my jaw clenched too tightly with determination and anger.
The urge to smash the glass is there, but I can't.
There is nothing left for me here, I think bleakly, and turn to Robin. "Let's go."
"It's early," he complains, but I shake my head.
"No. It's now. Let's go."
He follows me down the stairs and catches my shoulder before we leave the building. "Niko," he says, quietly, "If you look like – if you look like doing something stupid I'm going to knock you over the head and drag you out of there, all right? Darkling needs to die. Cal wouldn't want you to die too."
I feel my lips curl back from my teeth and know my expression is not a smile. Robin lets go of me, his expression registering surprise. "I will never know," I say calmly, "What Cal would have wanted. Because I let him die."
"There are other things to live for than your brother," Robin tries again, and I do not even answer that.
Only look at him.
Robin rubs his face and sighs. "Niko..."
"I respect you, Robin," I say, quietly, "But you don't understand. Save your own neck if you want. But don't save mine."
I still don't know if I'll survive this. I haven't decided yet.
When I watch Darkling die, I'll make my decision.
In some other life, I hope Cal will live to forgive me.