The sound of screams echo in the distance as Betty and Dee trudge away from their latest scene of Rat Queen dominance. Defeating the marauding gang of werelizards would have been easy enough if their two type A badasses hadn’t vehemently disagreed on their strategy. Hannah was obviously pissed over something her mother had said on their last purple lightning phone chat and not talking about it. And Vi, bless her bloody fucked up heart, could not for the life of her resist mouthing back at Hannah’s obvious projecting. And Bilford Bogin, but it gave Dee a fucking headache.
If they could have a gold coin for every time Dee and Betty’s gazes caught in a look of pure pained exasperation at their friends, then well… Betty could buy the best drugs, that’s for sure. Then again, she could probably convince Betty to steal a coin each from them every time they got like this. The smidgen was wily and that MIGHT be a deterrent for their bull-headed friends.
“You wine drinking, donkey cock loving pain in my ass dwarf, if we had only done the ‘alley-oop bang splash brrrrr’ then we would have been home free, but no,” Violet’s voice bellows across the clearing.
And before she can even finish her lament, Hannah retorts. “Do you have any idea how annoying it is to get lizard scales out of armor? If you freeze werelizards that fast, they fucking explode. Goddammit, don’t they teach you anything in your fancy ass magical elf school?”
Dee picks up her pace, but then glances back at Betty, and with a nod of her head offers a place on her back for the journey. Anything to get home faster and away from her two favorite headaches.
Dee loves the queens, all of them truly, but thank the fucking squid she doesn’t believe in for Betty. Because Betty is the best weirdest smidgen to ever exist. Betty is savage and brilliant and makes the best fucking pot sugar cookies Dee has ever had.
Whenever they’ve had a bad day, like this one, where the fighting was just messy enough to piss them off, but not strenuous enough to tire them out, things always went apeshit between their dwarf and elf compatriots. And over the years, Betty and Dee, the sane ones, have created a system to keep from killing their friends due to their headache-inducing ways.
Step 1: Kick enough ass that no one was in mortal danger. It wouldn’t do to leave them stranded when Dee wasn’t there to patch them back up with a healing spell.
Step 2: Leave while they two idiots are still screaming. This was always the easy part as they usually didn’t even notice rampaging bearmen when they got this far along in their racial slurs and insults.
Step 3: Shower off the inevitable bits of dead fauna and sometimes flora. Betty was like her little sister and on the worst days, when it felt like their clothing was glued to them by bits of their foe’s bits, they would jump under the warm water together. Oftentimes, fully clothed.
Step 4: Break out the fancy pot butter. Baby Betty is the fucking best, but she cannot be trusted to save up the good drugs for times of dire need. Like now, when Dee has a migraine that feels like each stake of the palisade is individually digging into her brain.
Step 5: Bake, Betty, bake! Hannah may give them all shit, but Betty really does make the very best pot cookies. Sometimes they even have chocolate in them. Because really, it has drugs and candy, how can Betty not perfect that shit? Oh and if Dee asks nicely or looks especially down, then Betty will be extra careful not to add extra drugs and extra candy. Just nice and easy pot sugar cookies.
Step 6: Hot motherfucking tea. Unbeknownst to anyone but Darling Betty, Dee is a tea connoiseur with quite the epic stash of exciting and flavorful teas as well as a steady supply of lady grey.
Step 7: Cuddles. Oftentimes, Dee will read and Betty will eat some shrooms with her cookies and trip out and they will cuddle in their favorite giant armchair. And it’s easy and comfortable and marvelous and quiet, other than Betty monologuing her high, but that’s usally more amusing than anything else.
Step 8: Make sure the favorite idiots are still alive. If by the time their high winds down, Vi and Hannah still have not returned, then they go check the bar, Orc Dave’s place, and Sawyer’s barrack. One time they accidentally stumbled on Dave (a different Dave, not Orc Dave) and Bragga and Dee had to pull Betty away from the honestly mesmerizingly hot sight before Bragga found them out and stabbed them.
This time, though, this time when they get back to their abode, Orc Dave is already sitting outside. He appears to be deep discussion with a barn owl and a sparrow. The owl residing on one shoulder and the sparrow atop his head. Dee would find this shit cute as hell if her head wasn’t pounding.
Before Dee can even make a start of deciding if they should turn Orc Dave away or invite him to stay with them (because if Dee’s honest, that dude exudes calm like no other, and just being in his presence right now is easing the pain of the sun in her eyes and the rolling of her stomach), Betty is vaulting off her back causing her to unbalance and fall to her knees.
“Dave, Davey, good man David of the Orc clan of bluebirds and beards and bird friends of all types,” Betty greets in a whispered shout that Dee is intensely grateful for. “The red-headed wonder is still playing verbal smash smash with the….” she trails off as Dave’s friends depart and he makes his way over to Dee who is still on her knees.
The moment Dave touches her, Dee hears the soft chirping of bluebirds.
"Dave, did I ever tell you that you're my favorite Dave to ever Dave?," Dee whisper-slurs as the pain in her head eases. N'Rygoth healing worked wonders on gruesome nearly fatal battle wounds but was as good as a baby hobgoblin in a dandelion field when it came to healing common ailments like hangovers or colds or fucking migraines. Goddamn squid.
As Dee slumps further into Dave's hold in relief, she finds that she can hear whispering and not just from two voices. Apparently Hannah and Vi have returned and are being instructed by Betty on how exactly they are going to be goddamn quiet and nice to their favorite chocolate beauty who heals them every time their arm nearly falls off or someone loses an eye or a spleen.
A part of Dee wants to protest, but then Dave is picking her up and she's just so tired and okay, maybe this one time, she can let all her favorite people take care of her.
"Cuddles, motherfucking cuddles. All of them," Dee quietly demands. And she can't help but grin as she hears Orc Dave and her Queens reply in unison.