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You've Got to Be Kitten Me

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"I put leftover brains in the fridge, you can have them," Liv says to Major, which is how this whole mess starts.

If there's a moral to the story that unfolds next, it's probably that Ravi should really stop letting random civilians saunter into the morgue at all hours. There's evidence for open investigations all over the place; the frequency with which Major comes to just hang out has got to be breaking all kinds of protocol.

But Major is still fairly new to the zombie lifestyle, and the last thing any of them wants is to have him hit the point of no return and turn into mindless hunger machine, so Liv and Ravi do the naughty thing and encourage him to drop by for brains anytime. Plus, if he's completely truthful, Ravi has to admit that the place does get kind of boring sometimes—it's nice to have someone who flirts with him and isn't his co-worker, so he can flirt back without making things weird.

Major drops by without calling ahead, as he does, and he makes inappropriately suggestive comments about both Liv and Ravi, as he does. For once, though, they're actually working on something time-sensitive that could exonerate an innocent man, so they send him off to fetch his own lunch.

And that's how it starts.

Ravi gets home late that night, because the results of their experiment needed to be replicable before a judge would sign a warrant, and then Liv felt obligated to go with Clive to make sure he arrested the right guy, and Ravi didn't like to abandon his post until he was sure Liv was okay, so by the time everything finally wrapped up, it was long past dark.

Major doesn't yell a loud "HI!" at Ravi from somewhere in this house when he steps through the door, which is pretty unusual. Ravi wonders if he went out to get pizza or something. He tosses his keys into the bowl on the side table in their hall and debates whether he wants a beer when he hears a loud clatter from the kitchen.

"What the—" he runs into the kitchen, half readying himself to bludgeon an evil zombie gangster with their heaviest cast iron pan, but then he sees that it's just Major.

It's just Major, lining up all the plastic cups they keep on hand for parties and backyard barbecues, and knocking them one by one off the counter.

"What on earth are you doing?"

Major looks up at Ravi and says, "Oh, you're home." And then he pushes another cup off the counter. It skitters across the linoleum toward Ravi's feet, and spins for a little while before it stops.

"Are you going to explain what you're doing, or has someone slipped LSD into my coffee?" Ravi asks incredulously.

At that, Major snaps out of the intense concentration he seemed to have been paying to those cups and has the decency to look sheepish. "Sorry, it was…a science experiment? It seemed really important to find out how they would fall, it was probably the brain I had for lunch. Weird." He picks up all the poor innocent cups he's chucked all over the kitchen floor, and Ravi helps him put them all back into the cupboards.

"I'll leave all the sciencey stuff to you from now on," Major jokes, flinging an arm around Ravi's shoulders. "You're the one with all the brains, I'm just here to look pretty."

"Hey, I'm pretty too," Ravi protests.

"That you are, buddy, that you are. Wait, shit, it's super late, have you not eaten dinner yet? Let's go get you something greasy and disgusting, you've earned it after such a long day."

And all of that sounds like the normal Major he knows and loves, so Ravi lets the strange cup-flinging incident go and allows Major to steer him back out the front door with his bodybuilder-muscled arm resting warm and heavy where it belongs.

* * *

Ravi wakes up the next morning, walks into the living room in a quest to make coffee, and promptly decides he isn't awake enough for this.

Major is lying on his back on the rug in the middle of their living room, batting a pair of Ravi's briefs around with his hands and occasionally biting them.

He flips up to standing when he realizes Ravi is watching him, too stunned to make one of his endless witty remarks or indeed even a noise.

"It's not, uh, it's not what it looks like!"

"So you're not playing with my underwear?"

"I was…folding them! I'm doing laundry for you! Because I know you've been really slammed at work and I was doing you a favour!"

In Major's defence, there is a basket of laundry sitting out with all the rest of their clothes, half of them neatly folded into stacks and sorted by type and colour. Against his argument, however, is the fact that Ravi's underwear is still clutched in his hand and there is a distinct…spot of drool on them.

"You were folding my clothes with your teeth?"

Major's face gets redder by the minute, and he balls Ravi's underpants up into a ball and chucks them into the basket. "Look, just—you came in at a weird time and saw things out of context, I was trying to do something nice, don't make this weird."

Ravi scratches the back of his head and does not feel like he is emotionally or spiritually capable of dealing with any of this at this time in the morning. Plus, Major isn't wrong, he really has been slammed at work these days and he just feels tired all the time. He'd rather not deal with anything at the moment, to be honest. "I…have to go to work," he says, trailing off and backing out of the room. "So I'm just going to…go."

"Okay, good! Go! Don't be late and have a good day at work!"

"Yeah. Um. Thank you? For doing the laundry?" Ravi gets the hell out of there before Major can subject him to another round of justifying having his underwear in his mouth.

He manages to get halfway through the day without anything else weird happening to him, besides the usual weirdness of working in a morgue for Seattle PD. The half-day streak is broken at lunchtime, though, when Liv rushes into his office and says, "I can't find Experiment 7! It's not in the fridge!"

Experiment 7 is the brain tissue of a cat that ate one of their zombie rats and then promptly died. They had grand plans to observe changes in the protein structure under various conditions. He tosses aside the crossword puzzle he had been working on and goes to check out the problem with Liv. It doesn't take them long to find the empty jar that used to hold Experiment 7, cleaned and stuck upside down on the drying rack next to Liv's bowls and chopsticks.

Liv takes another peek in the fridge and brings out the container of brains she had left for Major yesterday, still full.

"He ate cat brains," she pronounces.

Ravi mentally flashes back to the scene in his living room this morning, where Major was rolling around on the floor holding Ravi's briefs and batting them into the air, occasionally sticking them into his mouth for a contemplative nibble.

"Well, that certainly explains a lot."

* * *

At least Ravi is mentally prepared when he comes home to Major acting like a cat this time.

He's already eaten and he wants nothing more than to turn off his brain with a few hours of gaming before going to bed. He loads up their latest first person shooter adventure and is just past the first level when something big and warm and heavy drapes itself all over his head and upper back.

It's Major, sprawled bonelessly over the back of the couch and onto Ravi.

"Oh god, you are way too jacked for this," Ravi says, hoping his neck won't break under Major's annoyingly well-sculpted body.

"I'm built like a Greek god," Major agrees, somehow going even limper and draping even more of his weight onto Ravi. He slides forward until he's effectively climbed over the back of the couch and half on Ravi's lap.

Ravi tolerates Major nuzzling his head into him for a few seconds before he breaks the news to him. "Hey, so you know how you've been acting pretty strange lately?"

"Have not," Major says just to be contrary, but its effect is somewhat muffled by Ravi's neck, in which he has buried his face.

"Yes, well it turns out you accidentally ate the brain of a dead cat that we'd been saving for an experiment, so now you're on cat brain. Hence the knocking things over and stealing my underwear and…this."

Major sits up. "Seriously?"


Major takes a few moments to think over this information. He then decides that he would rather be cuddling, and dives back into Ravi's side. "Okay, I guess that means those memories I've been having about pissing in somebody's sandbox won't help find what killed the victim," he says. And then he says, "Will you scratch my chin?"


Major gives him what Ravi can only describe as begging kitten eyes. Ravi sighs and scratches under his chin.

He eventually reclaims his own hand so he can go back to holding his game controller and plays for about an hour, but Major keeps getting in the way of his hands or his view of the tv and it turns into a whole other side mission to shove Major out of the way every few minutes. It's not too much unlike their usual play-fights, when Major doesn't have the brain of a cat inside him. And then Major changes tactics: he starts sucking on Ravi's throat, nipping gently and giving him the beginnings of a hickey.

It feels very nice, but, "Goddammit Major, no."

"Aww, why not, Dr. Buzzkill?"

"Not while you're a cat, it's too weird."

Major pouts at him but Ravi refuses to fold. It's just too damn weird. He pushes Major away and Major pushes back, holding his wrists.

"Don't make me pull out a ball of string and some catnip," he warns. Even Liv can't override someone else's brain's most basic urges sometimes, and she's had much longer to practice than Major.

"Ugh, you don't play fair," Major grumps, letting Ravi go.

"I'll let you sleep in my bed tonight if you promise not to get handsy," Ravi compromises.

Major jumps back into his lap and oh god, he is way too fucking many pounds of solid muscle for this. "Deal," he says happily.

* * *

It takes another two days for a new unidentified body to show up at the morgue. It's likely a vagrant who died of natural causes, which is sad but means there won't be another stack of homicide files to Ravi's already very large pile.

It also means they get to call Major in for an early lunch, which, like, thank god.

Liv marinates slices of the brain in teriyaki sauce and grills them up teppanyaki style, because she's a gourmand.

"I'm a gourmet," she corrects Ravi.

"Whatever, just shove some into Major's mouth as quickly as possible! I don't want to be woken up by him trying to sharpen his non-existent claws on my beard anymore!"

Ravi watches Major stuff his mouth with a deep sense of relief that a nice human brain fell into their laps before Major decided to experiment with forsaking the toilet and taking a shit in the neighbour's flowerbox.

Major catches his eyes and throws him a grin.

"Oh no, you guys aren't going to have passionate cat-free sex at work, are you?" Liv says. "Please wait until you get home."

"Wait, you told her I didn't want to sleep with someone with the mind of a cat?"

"We tell each other a lot. Everything about you, essentially. Like how uncomfortable you were with even kissing cat boy over here."

"You can't make it sound like I'm the weird one for not wanting to make out with a cat boy. And you're one to talk! You were engaged to the cat boy!"

"Ladies, please, you're both pretty. The cat wanted to sleep with both of you," Major assures them.

Ravi groans and throws up his hands, walking away. Major and Liv high five each other and cackle. As he goes back to work and leave them to their meal, though, Ravi can't help that the prospect of having Major fully back brings an extra little bounce to his step.