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Five Things Sandoval Won't Tell You (And A Few Others He Will Not Shut Up About)

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1. Sandoval was not appointed Lord High Ambassador of the Xoan Nation to the Court of the Mistress of the Skintillating Tower because of his innate diplomatic gifts, or for personal services to his Supreme Erectness the Tyrant of Xoa, or in order to prevent him from providing even more personal services to the Tyrant's nubile twin daughters. No, he received his ambassadorial briefs (purple silk lined with ermine, he will be happy to show them to you if you ask) because he achieved the highest score ever on Xoan University's graduation examinations, which include comprehensive tests in alchemy, sorcery, botany, astronomy, theology, poetry, calligraphy, improvisational theatre and, most crucially, interpretive dance. His Supreme Erectness fancies himself the finest dancer in all of Xoa, and, hearing of this bold, upcoming young star, took it upon himself to ensure that no threat to his glory would ever be seen in his realm by dispatching him immediately to an unimportant post in a distant land.

Sandoval actually received his unprecedented scores using his true talents in the field of Sandovology - by sleeping with each and every one of his examination proctors (except calligraphy: that he passed on his own merits). Besides, if he ever confessed to his deception, the Board of Regents would have him publically drawn and quartered as an example to the undergraduates. Taking the assignment was by far the better option, and has turned out to have various enjoyable perks.

2. Sandoval misses many things about his homeland: the climate (warm enough to make nudity a viable fashion choice, not so warm that everything gets all sticky as a result), the delicate whipped cream and hallucinogenic mushroom-filled pastries no foreigner seems to be able to make properly, the bi-annual slaveboat races across Tentacle Lake. He does not, however, particularly miss any of the people there, except of course his mother. He is an only child, adores her beyond reason, and still thinks she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She raised him to be polite and well-spoken at orgies, to always remember to provide a reach-around if position and limb placement permit, and to never use a double entendre when you could use a triple one instead. He writes to her every week and tells her all of his latest exploits, and she shares the letters with her book club.

3. Sandoval has a personal assistant, a helpful young fellow whose name he does not remember, although he's sure he told him when they first met. He was inherited from the previous ambassador, who met his untimely end after falling (or being pushed?) into a vat of lube-worms. The body was so slick, they couldn't even retrieve it to send it home for proper Xoan funeral rites – it kept slipping out of their grasps. (Sandoval finds this story hilarious and has perfected its recounting, down to pausing at the right moments for you to laugh.) The helpful young assistant was the one who had the idea of mixing in large quantities of sand in order to counteract the worms' natural secretions, and so Sandoval decided to keep him around just in case the same thing happened to him some day. Sandoval has subsequently slept with him eighteen times (well, eighteen that he can recall, the actual total is twenty-three, including twice when he thought he was someone else) and is now too embarrassed to ask him his name. He sometimes suspects his assistant knows this and is only keeping the information from him out of spite at this point.

4. Sandoval once came so hard he threw out his back, dislocated his shoulder, and cracked three ribs, thanks to one of the Mistress's assorted tributes from her subjects. The Ejaculatrix 8000 initially seemed like a marvellous idea but was quickly relegated to the Crap Tributes pile, after several disappointing incidents which ended up with people screaming in pain (not the fun kind). Sandoval was the only one who managed to walk away smiling, before collapsing just around the corner where Mistress couldn't see him. The physicians were very competent and discreet in their assistance when he crawled down to their lair, but he could hear them hiss-laughing when he left. He has also received treatment from them on two other occasions – once when he burned himself in several rather sensitive areas after an evening with the hot bitches and an insufficient amount of oil (it was still worth it, as he will gladly tell anyone who'll listen) and again when he learned first-hand that it's wise for insertables to have a flared base or handle for ease of removal, one of his mother's lessons he had evidently not paid as much attention to as he should have. In that case, at least, the extraction was far more enjoyable than he might have expected.

5. Sandoval likes fucking the Mistress, of course – who doesn't? But he finds her somewhat intimidating as well. She is temperamental, and while his ambassadorial status provides some protection from her whims, he is not at all confident that His Supreme Erectness would actually go to war to avenge any indignities she might decide to inflict on him. His strategy, therefore, is to amuse her to the best of his ability when she requires it of him, and to stay well out of her way otherwise. His attraction to Ivan is thus triply inconvenient, since it distracts him from servicing the Mistress, while at the same time drawing him into her circle of attention and causing him to oppose her will - so far only in matters so seemingly trivial as rubbish versus sexy tiger costumes, but who can say what the future might hold?

When he thought Ivan was dead, he began the formulation of an elaborate and probably tragically doomed plan to avenge him, which was only averted when his funeral drugs kicked in and caused him to forget steps two, three, four, and six. Having only "Obtain lube worms" and "Dispose of body" left on his mental list put something of a cramp in his noble intentions.

Even Sandoval (perhaps especially Sandoval) is surprised by the strength of his feelings for the boy, whom he first expected to be just another in the interminable conga line of disposable fucks that has comprised his lifetime thus far. He had never understood before just how potent an aphrodisiac chastity could be.