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Hey girl don't you realize
The money invested in you
Hey girl you just got to find
Someone who'll really pull your family through
-- "Miss Amanda Jones", The Rolling Stones.
~~~
Amanda watched the way Watts moved fluidly, banging on her drums, and the sweat that dripped down her face. She wasn't just playing the drums, she lived it, breathed it. It was fascinating to watch. Amanda had never seen passion before, not among her friends, at least not for something that wasn't related to money or what money could buy.
Watts looked up and missed a beat, dropped one of her drumsticks, clanged against the cymbal. "I didn't see you there," she said, moving to pick up her drumstick, suddenly awkward. She touched the cymbal and it stopped ringing.
"Sorry. I should have knocked or said something. I didn't want to interrupt. The door was open."
"Um, no, it's okay. I guess." Watts looked uncomfortable and Amanda began to regret her visit.
"I should go."
"How'd you know where I live?"
Amanda put her hand on the doorknob. She noticed for the first time how dark and crowded the room was, with the walls covered in foam soundproofing and the drum set taking up most of the space. There was a twin bed along one side, and rock paraphernalia covering every available surface. It was dirty and… Amanda felt the instant judgment she made -- about Watts, about what she wore and how she dressed, all of it -- then closed her eyes, shook her head, then looked at Watts again. "I was, uh, walking and heard drumming. I can hear them from my house but never knew where they came from. "
"I'm sorry if my drumming bothers you." Watts looked both annoyed and ashamed at the same time. She got up and started fiddling with some books that were stacked on a haphazard shelf.
"No, it's all right, I'm not complaining," Amanda tried to smile. "It's kind of nice, actually. You play really well."
Watts wouldn't look at Amanda. "Look, it's not that I don't appreciate the visit, but is there a reason you're here?"
"Um," said Amanda, laughing a little, embarrassed but at the same time she felt like it was okay. She touched the corner of her eye. "I don't really know why I'm here. I wasn't thinking."
"Going for a walk in this neighborhood?" Watts looked disbelieving, almost amused. She still wouldn't meet Amanda's eyes.
Amanda smiled. "Yeah, well, I just needed to clear my head a little, you know."
Before another long awkward silence could follow, Amanda turned to leave but stopped when Watts spoke again. "Thank you."
Amanda tilted her head. "What for?"
Watts shrugged, wouldn't look at Amanda, fiddling with her drumsticks.
It made her uncomfortable, to have Watts's gratitude -- was she thanking her for not dating Keith? For not breaking his heart? For what? "If you want the truth, I envy you. And it's not for any reason you might think. It doesn't have anything to do with him."
A car drove down the street, honked loudly. "Envy me?" Watts looked like she wanted to laugh and Amanda knew she didn't believe her.
"Yeah," Amanda smiled. "I gotta go. See you around."
It was nearly dark when she got home and she hoped her mother would be on the phone and too busy to talk to her.
~~~
Watts sat on one of the low walls at school, over in a corner in the shade, and for once Ray wasn't around to bother her. She drummed out a beat with her sticks against the cement, then a double-stroke roll over and over again until her wrists loosened and she didn't have to think about it.
She was waiting for Keith, who had to finish up something in the art studio. She tried not to bother him when he was painting because he got all moody and silent. He called it "introspective"; Watts called it being a dick. But she loved him, so it didn't matter.
Across the courtyard she saw Amanda Jones exit one of the buildings, wearing one of her suits with a short skirt and cowboy boots, carrying her books in one hand. Watts watched her, never losing the roll. Amanda's friends (Watts could never remember their names) were also sitting on one of the walls. Amanda walked toward them but they got up and walked away. Amanda slowed to a stop, rocked back on her heels.
Watt jumped up and ran after her. "You're better off without them," she said, skidded to a walk beside Amanda.
Amanda turned, and Watts couldn't tell if she was angry or hurt or surprised because Amanda always smiled even when she wasn't smiling, except now she wiped at her eyes, so Watts guessed she was hurt. "No really," she said, jumping up to hit some tree leaves with her drumsticks. "They're probably just self conscious about the great Hardy Jenns turning out to be such a toad, not that they shouldn't have seen it before, and don't know what to say to you."
"They've been my friends for years. I just…" Amanda bit her lip, looked down. They walked slowly. Her voice dropped to little more than a whisper. "It's like I don't know who I am anymore without them," Amanda scrunched her eyes closed, "and I hate it that I still want them to like me."
Watts tapped her drumsticks against her leg as they went down the stairs that lead to student parking. She didn't know what to say, couldn't understand how Amanda could want those fake, rich losers as friends, especially considering what it cost to be friends with them. "Hey," she said, "Do you need a ride home?"
Amanda laughed, still wiped at her eyes. "Yeah, I guess I do."
"Come on." Watts walked to her car.
"What about Keith?"
"What about him? He'll figure it out. Or I can come back for him. It's okay."
Amanda hugged her books to her chest. "Thanks."
"Yeah, well, don't thank me just yet. It's not the Jag from the other night, but hey, it's got a sunroof," she said, stopping before her beat up mini. "Wait, I gotta open that side from -- there. Get in. Get in, will ya, I promise ugly isn't contagious."
Amanda looked self-conscious, torn between disgust and amusement, and Watts thought she'd change her mind, waited for the inevitable 'thanks but no thanks'. But Amanda only jutted out her chin a little bit and slid into the car.
"Hang on," said Watts and laughed to see Amanda's eyes go wide in alarm. She made the tires squeal as they took a turn. The sunroof off, the windows down, and wind blowing everywhere, she turned the radio up loud and whooped in delight. They both started laughing as she took the next corner hard and fast.
When she stopped in front of Amanda's house, Amanda's hair was wild and loose around her face. She was smiling and laughing and Watts was beginning to tell the subtle differences in Amanda Jones's smiles. This one was real.
"Thanks," said Amanda, gathering her books that had fallen to her feet.
"Hey, what are friends for?" Watts said it like it didn't mean anything, like it was just what you did, but the smile on Amanda's face -- surprise -- said it might mean more than that.
"Yeah," said Amanda, softly.
Watts waited until she saw Amanda enter her door, then drove away.
~~~
They were huddled beneath a tree on campus. The guy's cologne was ordinary and typical and everything Amanda had come to expect. He touched her cheek, tried to bring her up against him, hands at her waist. She let it happen for a moment. Since she and Hardy had ended and she'd gone out with Keith, every guy thought they had a chance, and Amanda didn't know how to say no, wasn't entirely sure she wanted to say no. "So, what do you say?" he asked. "Tonight?"
He trailed a hand down her arm to take her hand in his, ducked his head to look into her face. "Um--" Movement caught her attention and she saw Watts standing nearby by the stairs leading to the street, watching. "I'll call you," she said, gently stepping away and hurrying toward Watts. She waved bye.
"I would have waited," said Watts and Amanda couldn't tell if Watts was angry or sincere or didn't care one way or the other.
"No, it's all right, he wouldn't leave," she said with a little nervous laugh. They went down the stairs to Watts's car. Watts had been giving Amanda a ride home after school all week.
Watts didn't say anything and they were both silent as they got in the car. Watts didn't put the radio on this time and drove quietly. Looking out the window, they were almost to her house when Amanda spoke. "Are you mad at me?"
"What? No." But Watts still wouldn't look at Amanda. "Just," Amanda watched Watts grip the steering wheel with her red leather gloves. "Its so easy for you to--" she made a gesture that Amanda couldn't understand but it made her uncomfortable.
"Listen, I don't know what you've heard about me, but I don't sleep around."
"No, you don't understand, that's not what I'm talking about." In frustration, Watts swung the mini into a tight turn and squealed to a stop in front of Amanda's house. "I know anything Hardy ever said about you is a lie. What I mean is," and she stopped again, fingers drumming against the steering wheel. "If a guy came up to me and tried what that guy was doing with you I'd probably punch him in the face."
Amanda laughed. "Maybe I should have done that."
"And granted they mostly deserve it because they're all losers, but I don't always want to punch them in the face, and they don't always deserve it. You know what I mean? I don't know how to be a girl, and usually that's okay, because I never saw any benefit, but--" Watts stopped, but her fingers still measured out a beat.
Her mother's car was in the drive way and Amanda knew she should go in. "That's what you think being a girl means? Knowing how to flirt?"
Watts started to laugh and Amanda did to. "Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking."
"If it helps any, I don't know how to be a girl, either, because everything I knew how to be and how to act turned out to be wrong. And it was never me. Not really."
They were silent for a moment, then Amanda got out of the car. "See you tomorrow?"
"Yeah," said Watts, the mini coasting down the street.
Inside, her mother was in the living room, sitting in an arm chair, her high heeled work shoes on the floor next to her. Her mom was pretty. Amanda always thought so. She hadn't changed out of her secretary suit, still in her stocking feet. "Hi Mom," she said, moving to her room.
Her mother's quiet voice stopped her and Amanda deflated, knowing what would come next. "When were you going to tell me about Hardy?"
Amanda gripped her books. "I was going to tell you. There was just a lot of stuff going on."
Her mom nodded, rubbed her feet. They always ached after working. "I know you wouldn't have ended it without a good reason, but sometimes it's better to put up with a little… inconvenience when the benefits are so great."
She felt like she couldn't breathe. "Can we talk about this another time?" She didn't wait for a reply, quickly entering her room, leaning against the door.
~~~
Watts wasn't paying attention to where she was walking. The rain dripped down her hair and slipped down her leather jacket, her socks were drenched. Perfect day for the mini to break down. Keith had opted to wait out the rain in the garage, but Watts wanted to get some drumming in before the day ended.
"Watts? Is that you?"
Watts realized she was outside of Amanda's house. Before she could answer, Amanda had the front door open. "Oh, hey," she said.
"What are you doing walking in the rain? You're all wet." Amanda was dressed in a simple skirt and button up top, hair perfect, skin perfect, make-up perfect. How could she stand dressing so perfect all the time?
"Thank you, Amanda, I hadn't realized."
"Come in, get dry."
"I live two streets over." But Watts was already walking up the steps to the house.
"Just come in." Amanda held the screen door open.
They went into her room and Amanda handed her a towel. Watts scrubbed her hair, took her jacket off and hung it over the back of a chair. Amanda's room was everything she expected -- pink and white with soft baby yellow added here and there to mix it up a bit. It was small, smaller than her room or Keith's room. Amanda's whole house was tiny. The poster of the Sex Pistols over Amanda's desk threw her, though. "Nice," she said, meaning the room, and trying to sound sincere.
Amanda only gave her a look and pulled out a chair for her to sit. "It's a little less colorful than yours. Your car break down?"
"It doesn't like the rain. It'll be fine when it stops. Hey, you know, I appreciate this but I gotta get home and I'm just going to get drenched all over again when I go."
"Oh, okay."
Watts wished Amanda didn't look like she was the only one who couldn't go to Disneyland. She sighed, scrubbed her head harder with the towel, managing to get one of her earrings caught in the fabric. Wincing, she tried to untangle it.
"Let me help you. Sit over here." Amanda guided her to the bed.
"You sure? Don't want to ruin your fancy bed."
"It's okay. Hold still."
Amanda tilted Watts's head gently. Watts stared at one of Amanda's dimples, and could feel her warm breath against her chilled skin.
"There," Amanda said. "All free." She took the towel and rubbed the back of Watts's neck that was still wet. Watts wanted to say something but was mesmerized by the look of concentration on Amanda's face. Their eyes met and Amanda smiled.
Abruptly, Watts got up, needing to get out, get away from all the frills and lace and girlness. It was foreign to her and she didn't know what to do about it. "Gotta go." In her haste to grab her jacket, she knocked over the chair, which banged against the desk, knocking several things over. "Shit, I'm sorry."
"It's okay. What's wrong with you?" Amanda was laughing but Watts could tell she was a little annoyed.
"What do you mean what's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?"
Amanda didn't say anything, just tilted her head to one side. Watts clenched her hand into a fist, wanted to punch something, or maybe she just wanted her sticks and her drums and solitude for an hour or forever. "Sorry. Didn't mean to freak out on you."
"What was that all about?"
Watts shrugged. "Because my hair is short and I don't wear dresses, because I'm not feminine, people always assume I'm a lesbian. I usually just beat the crap out of them. Don't tell me you didn't think the same thing."
Amanda went back to sit on her bed, tucking her legs beneath her. "Yeah, I guess I did. But I know better now. Does it matter so much, what people think?"
The way Amanda asked the question, it seemed like she wasn't just asking it to make Watts feel better, but like she really wanted to know. Watts went back and sat next to her on the bed.
"It shouldn't."
"Right," said Amanda. "It shouldn't, but sometimes it does."
"Not when they're not worth my time and are barely human beings to begin with. Like that friend of yours, no offence."
"None taken. Which friend?" Amanda's dimples stood out. "Wait, let me guess. Holly, right?"
"I don't know her name," said Watts. "Brown hair, not as curly as the other one."
"Yeah, Holly. I'll tell you a little secret. Last year at one of Hardy's parties, Holly got really drunk and she tried to kiss me. Then later on in the night, Shayne walked in on Holly trying to kiss another girl in the bathroom before she threw up and passed out. We had to take her home. It happens."
"No kidding?" Watts thought about this for a moment, deciding she wasn't that surprised about Holly. "I guess we're all a little afraid sometimes."
Amanda's eyes were bright for a moment but then she closed them. "You got that right. Hey listen, the rain's almost done. I think you can go home without drowning."
Watts picked up her jacket from the floor. Amanda walked her to the door. "I know it's not really your thing, but if you've got nothing better to do, come by later. Maybe I can show you how to play drums." Watts spun one of her drumsticks and tapped Amanda on the head.
Those dimples showed again, and Watts could tell this was one of Amanda's real smiles. "Okay. Maybe I'll do that."
*
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