“This is really weird,” Finn whispers to Kurt. “Don’t you think this is really weird?”
“What, you mean our strange, somewhat incestuous blended family isn’t the stuff of Burl Ives movies?” Kurt whispers back.
“I don’t know who that is,” Finn replies.
“Hmm. Well, for starters, he was the voice of the snowman in Rudolph,” Kurt explains. An odd, almost startled look, crosses his face, and he turns his head sharply to look at Puck. “Wait a minute. The Christmas gifts aren’t as naughty as the Hanukkah gifts, are they? In front of my dad?”
Puck grins. “Your dad knows we’re having sex, Pretty. And Carole buys us lube. What’s the big deal if they are ‘naughty’?”
“There’s a wide gulf between lube and, I don’t know, anal beads or something,” Kurt insists.
Finn frowns. “Why would you want beads for your ass? Nobody would be able to see them.”
“I looked at those,” Puck admits, “but none of them at the store were nice enough for you. Inside your ass, dork.”
“Oh. That’s a weird place to be fancy.”
Kurt starts to giggle, his face turning pink. “Yes, it really is. So, what should I prepare my for? Ball gags? Butt plugs?”
“How do you even know about all this stuff?” Finn hisses to Kurt. “Are you looking at sex toy stores without us?”
“Who needs a butt plug when we’ve already got three dicks?” Puck asks. “Did you want a ball gag?”
“No!” Kurt squeaks, turning pinker. The squeak makes Burt, who is seated by the tree with Carole drinking coffee, turn and look in Kurt’s direction.
“You alright there, son?” Burt asks.
“Oh yes, I’m fine. Just got some Christmas cookie down the wrong pipe,” Kurt says.
“We have to do the hind-lick maneuver,” Finn whispers to Puck.
“We always do it anyway,” Puck whispers back, smirking. “And I think that ‘no’ was really a yes, Kurt.” He nudges Finn’s side. “Or do you think he wanted it for one of us?”
Kurt tosses his head, then brushes his hair off his forehead. “Finn,” he says, ignoring Puck completely, “you know it’s ‘Heimlich’.”
“Not the thing I was thinking about doing,” Finn says, giving Kurt his innocent look, which makes Kurt squeak again. “Yeah, definitely a yes,” Finn says to Puck.
“Please don’t make me open bondage equipment in front of my father,” Kurt pleads. “That’s not an appropriate thing to do to the ones you love.”
“He has a point, Puck. We do love him, even if he does want a ball gag,” Finn says.
“So as long as it’s not in front of Burt?” Puck asks, sitting back with a wide grin. “Okay, I can do that.”
“Kind of a shame to block his mouth up like that, though,” Finn says, frowning. “Maybe just a better blindfold or some updated manacles or something. I’d miss the chirp.”
“The two of you are terrible,” Kurt scolds.
“Just make sure we go downstairs after we do presents up here,” Puck says, looking smug.
“Weren’t we gonna do that anyway?” Finn asks. “Maybe we should just go do that now.”
“We don’t want to be interrupted,” Puck argues, leaning forward and kissing the side of Finn’s neck. “Anyway, I was thinking you’d look hot with the ball gag.”
Finn grins widely. “I know, right?”
“You two are going to give me grey hair before I graduate from high school,” Kurt laments.
“But we’re awesome,” Finn says. “We’re awesome and you love us and you like how we are.”
Kurt sighs dramatically. “I suppose that’s true. I’ve had plenty of time to run away if I didn’t want to be with you, and yet, here I am, about to open sex toys in front of my dad on Christmas morning. It must really be love.”
Puck laughs. “Just remember that when you open the gingerbread-flavored lube in a minute.”
“It’s festive!” Finn says.