Tommy sighs, heavy and unwelcome thoughts rattling around in his head. They’ve been in a way too private but happy bubble during these weeks of promo work. However, even forgetting the real world still leaves equally little time spent in the other one's arms. Tommy's eyes have been opened and now he knows what he's missing and he's definitely not happy with that. He’s watching Adam pack the last of his things into his suitcase. They’re going back home. Which means Adam will go back to his boyfriend and Tommy will go back to an empty apartment. Waiting for Adam to find time to spend with him, again. It’s been like that for six months now.
It’s his own damn fault, he didn’t realize what they had until it was taken away by someone else. When he finally did it took him forever to actually admit it to Adam and he had been drunk off his ass when he did. Adam had given him this very sober and hurt look.
“I waited for you…for so long. I gave up.”
“I know. I’m such an ass for even telling you now but-” Tommy had slurred.
Adam’s beautiful voice had been filled with regret. “I wish I had known. We could have been perfect together.”
“I’m sorry Adam. I’m screwing things up now, aren’t I?”
There had been so much love in Adam’s gaze when he had said. “No…. but I’m with him. I can’t…”
“Not asking you to. I just…. I’ll be whatever you want me to be. It doesn’t matter…friend, lover… boyfriend. I’ll take whatever you offer me.”
Adam had pulled him into a tight hug, whispering into his hair. “Oh Tommy Joe, you’re gonna be the end of me.”
Tommy never thought that night would slowly progress into having an affair with his best friend, with the only person he’d ever really fallen in love with. He hadn’t lied. He wanted to be whatever Adam wanted him to be, now more than ever. But this is killing him, knowing that Adam is packing to go home without him. To warm arms and a shared bed.
Tommy lets his hand wander over the hotel bed he’s sitting on. Letting the memories of last night, of the lovemaking that his body still aches from, wash over him. He knows he can’t do this anymore. It’s too little or too much. It doesn’t matter which one, fact is that he’s got to let Adam go. Adam isn’t about to leave his boyfriend and Tommy knows he's gonna realize that sooner or later.
“You’re awful quiet.” Adam is done packing and has come over and knelt down in front of him. He grabs Tommy's hand and kisses his knuckles. Tommy closes his eyes. He wants to remember this, these last precious minutes with Adam but the thought of what he has to do makes it so difficult.
“Yeah.” He whispers.
“What’s the matter?”
“I don’t wanna go home. I wanna stay here. Just you and me.”
“I know my love.” Adam smiles but Tommy sees the guilt and hurt in his eyes before Adam kisses him, a kiss so soft and tender he has to fight the tears that are threatening to fall.
“I’ll call you tomorrow.” Adam says when they’re standing by the carrousel, loading their luggage onto a cart. The same look of guilt and hurt present in his eyes that had been there earlier.
Tommy swallows, this is it. The moment he’s been waiting for and dreading all day. He’s a coward. That’s the only reason he‘s doing this in a public place. He’ll never be strong enough to break this otherwise. “Don’t.” He says soft but stern.
Adam knows right away what he means, like he’s been expecting it and he looks like he’s going to break apart right there in the airport. “Please Tommy.”
Tommy wants to take back that single word that put that look on Adam’s face but he can’t and it would only prolong their pain. He has to rip off the bandaid as fast as possible. “I can’t Adam. We can’t do this anymore, we’ll end up hurting more people than ourselves. It’s over, it has to be.”
Despite all the people milling around them Adam wraps his arms around him. Tommy gives into the hug, clinging to him just as needy as Adam sounds when he begs, “I need you.”
Tommy tries not to sound as wrecked as he feels. “I need you too, but, I can’t keep sharing you, I want more. I want it all and you.”
Adam cradles his face in his hands and locks their gazes. “I know, don’t you know I want it all too?”
“The thing is it’s already yours, you just don’t –" He paused, trying to find the right words to say. "That’s where the big difference is. I don’t go home to someone else. It’s all yours for the taking but you still,” he can’t keep eye contact, it hurts too much to see his own pain mirrored in Adam’s.
Tommy winces. Adam’s voice carries a misery that shatters Tommy’s already abused heart. He avoids Adam’s eyes for a couple of seconds before collecting the very last bit of strength he has and meets Adam's eyes. “Just go home and don’t call me unless it’s work related. At least not for some time. Promise me?”
“No.” Adam says weakly.
“Please, Adam. I can’t keep doing this, it’s breaking me apart. Go home to him and let me move on.”
“I love you!”
Tommy nods, he knows that. He also knows Adam doesn’t love him enough to walk away from the other man and that’s what’s been keeping him there for so long. Knowing doesn’t make it easier, it doesn’t make it harder either. It’s just a two edged sword that’s gotten too hard to walk. “I love you too. But if you want me to stay in your life then you got to promise me.” He' desperately reaching for anything to keep them connected and he’s a little proud of himself for sounding more together than he feels.
Adam looks devastated but lets his hands fall from Tommy’s face. “I promise.”
Tommy unlocks the front door and drops his bags on the floor before closing the door behind him. With trembling hands he throws the keys on the table. The silence in the apartment is deafening and the dust dancing in a sunbeam adds to the lonely feeling. His chest tightens, clenches around his heart and lungs, making it feel like breathing is just too much trouble. He leans back onto the door and his shaky knees give out. When he touches the floor he curls up and lets the tears fall. He has no idea how long he stays there but his body hurts from tension and his mind is numb when he finally moves.
When he falls onto his couch he thumbs a quick Tweet. What's the opposite of "home sweet home"? He doesn’t think about how Adam will read that tweet, it just hurts so much to be back home, alone. He does however realize that his tweet probably hurt Adam when he reads the one from Adam later saying home sweet home. Because the pain piercing his heart is immediate and violent and it releases a new flood of tears.
He checks his phone a million times that first night at home. Wanting Adam to call, to say ‘I pick you’. Nothing. Not even a text with hopes that he reached home safely.
The next couple of days are spent in bed hiding under the comfort and safety of his duvet. He carries his phone with him everywhere he goes, even to the bathroom. Just in case. But not a word from Adam. Isaac calls but Tommy doesn’t answer. He won’t be able to hide his state of mind and no one knows about him and Adam, so how’s he supposed to explain his heart breaking when he isn’t supposed to even have a loved one. He’s never felt this alone before.
On day four Mike hauls him out of bed and kicks him into the shower and Tommy swears while he washes his hair that he’s gonna demand his spare key back the second he’s dried off and dressed. He doesn’t, though. Because Mike brought coffee and has broad shoulders and already knows what this is all about. Not because Tommy has told him anything but because he’s known him for most his life.
They spend the afternoon playing mindless games, mostly killing zombies but at one point Mike asks, “Who ended it?”
Tommy doesn’t look at him, instead he turns the TV off and closes his hands around the coffee mug. “I did.”
“Good.” Mike sounds proud and that plus the statement gets Tommy’s undivided attention. “Um, why’s that good?”
“You’re better than that.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing, I want you to be happy man. You love him, I know that, but you weren’t happy. Sharing your lover isn't really your style.”
“I’m starting to think I made a mistake, though. Maybe sharing is better than not being with him at all.”
“Not your doing.”
Later when Mike has left him to his messed up mind and treacherous heart, Tommy puts on Manson and pours himself a good solid Jack. Not the best way to cope but fuck that. He needs the numbness the alcohol brings because he feels emotionally drained. It doesn’t help much, though. So Tommy thumbs Adam’s number several times but each time he puts the phone back on the coffee table before making the connection. It’s stupid he knows that. He asked Adam not to call him, he might not have said he wanted Adam to choose but Adam knows that’s exactly what he did and Adam hasn’t called. He didn’t choose him.
He’s reaching for the phone again before he really knows what he’s doing. He just needs to know that Adam is thinking about him too. One freaking call won’t stop the world from spinning. And he needs to hear Adam’s voice to keep from climbing the fucking walls.
The phone rings and rings but Adam doesn’t answer. Tommy throws his phone at the wall and a sob breaks the air the same moment the phone shatters. He downs a shot of whiskey and another and another.
Maybe he should show up at Adam’s place, beg for forgiveness for his stupid mistake, for Adam to take him back. The only thing holding him back is the fact that he's had too many shots to drive safely. Well, that and Adam’s boyfriend. He closes his eyes and fantasizes about Adam sweeping through his door to tell him that he needs him just as much as Tommy needs him.
He dozes off at some point, clinging to his hope, maybe that’s why he doesn’t react to the knocking on the door or the key unlocking it. He doesn’t want to leave the good place in his dream. But he wakes up to Adam carefully lifting him off the floor and settling them on the couch. He doesn’t trust what his body and mind are telling him, that Adam is really there, holding him in his lap.
Adam changes that by raining small kisses all over his face and with strong hands on his shoulders keeping him close.
“Hi.” Tommy says with a curious edge to his voice.
“Hi.” Adam replies, with a small unsure smile. “I broke it off.”
Tommy’s world stops turning. “You?” he can’t process it. It’s too much.
When he doesn’t say anything, Adam asks in a small voice. “Tell me I wasn’t too late.”
“I--You broke up with him?”
Adam nods slowly. “I love you. Please tell me you still want me.”
Tommy’s brain fights to keep up. He’s still a little drunk and his body is on sensory overload. His words are gone or at least the knowledge of how to use them. “Want you -” Somehow his brain catches up, though, and something special and precious breaks free. Adam is his and his alone. “Jesus. How can you even ask that?”
Happiness sparks in Adam’s eyes along with the regret that is already there. “I’m so sorry it took me so long to do the right thing. I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
“Shss. Less talking more kissing.” Tommy says and this time it’s him that kisses Adam. Fusing their lips together, sliding his tongue in to mingle with Adam’s.
“I can do that.” Adam says smiling against Tommy’s lips.
“Apparently not.” To stop Adam from talking and get him back to what’s important Tommy bites his lips, demands body language instead. Adam just laughs and follows his lead.