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Trapped in the Strange World of Fanfiction with Adam Lambert

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Adam stood, jaw barely staying closed as he stared at Tommy holding his smoking gun.

“Hey boss. You get what you needed from Seacrest’s goons?” He asked. Adam managed to gather his brain enough to answer.

“Yes! I did,” of course Adam had no freaking clue what exactly he’d needed to get but that was a conversation that he didn’t need right now. In fact, this whole situation wasn’t something that he didn’t need right now, but apparently he did not have a say in the matter.

“Well that’s good. Wouldn’t want you to nearly get yourself killed for nuthin’,” He sauntered over to stand closer to Adam. And closer. And closer. Until he was all up in Adam’s space, trailing the gun down his body, “Mm…How about we celebrate a little shall we?”

Adam wouldn’t mind celebrating a little. Celebrating sounded very nice right about now. However, Tommy was putting that gun a little too close to a very sensitive area.

“Tommy, I-I’m your boss. I don’t think this is a very good idea…” Adam tried to protest. Tommy just scoffed.

“Oh please, we both know why you hired me and it’s not because I’m good with guns…Well,” He paused and smirked, “Maybe that still gets you hot huh?” He leaned closer and trailed his lips on the spot right beneath Adam’s ear, “The way I can work a trigger? Yeah, you like that” He murmured as he ran his hand over the front of Adam’s pants.

“Uh...T-Tommy?” Adam asked, stutter as Tommy’s mouth worked on his neck.

“Yeah baby?”

“Can you please take the gun away from my junk now?” Seriously, the thing was way too close and Adam had NO idea if the thing was loaded or not.

“Heh, come on baby…You know you like the danger,” Tommy put his finger on the trigger and okay, that was pushing it too far. Adam had no idea what would happen if his dick was blown off in this universe but he sure as hell didn’t want to find out. Adam quickly grabbed Tommy around the wrist.

“Not when it has to do with my junk I don’t,” Tommy smirked.

“Aw, baby. You’d know I’d never hurt this,” He took the non-gun hand and patted Adam’s crotch. He moved closer to whisper in Adam’s ear.
“It’s still my favorite gun babyboy,” Oh god. How incredibly porntastically cheesy could this get?

Tommy finally moved to Adam’s lips and began devouring them. But before Adam could register this, he felt like he was falling backwards. Tumbling into another wormhole of doom he wagered. Fantastic.

When he opened his eyes, he was now standing in the doorway of some perfectly cleaned and polished house. It looked like something out of a black and white sit-com. But, you know, not black and white. He was also dressed in a crisp suit and had a briefcase.

“Honey? Is that you?” Adam heard a voice call from around the corner. His jaw dropped when he saw who the source of it was.

It was Tommy, hair slicked to the side in one perfect curl, bright red lips and a matching bright red dress with white polka-dots. He also had red pumps and white gloves. He was the perfect 50’s housewife.

“Oh honey, you’re home! How was your day?” Tommy asked as he stood primly in front of Adam, fluttering his eyelashes. Adam paused to think about the kind of day he’d been having so far.

“It could have been better,” He answered.

“Aw, my poor man!” Tommy exclaimed before going behind Adam to rub his shoulders, “Well, I promise to make you feel better. I’ve got meatloaf on the table, fresh-baked pie in the oven and later I’ll spend all night treating my honey-bear right,” Tommy giggled.

“Um, okay,” This was officially the weirdest story he had stumbled into so far. Did people actually write this stuff?? He was pulled out of his reverie by the sound of the doorbell.

“Oh! I’ll get that!” Tommy quickly went to answer the door, heels clacking on the floor. He opened it to reveal Brad and Kris. Brad, in a little pink dress with a blue plaid apron and Kris in a silky-white Marilyn Monroe style dress.

Oh good. I thought it might be something weird. Adam thought sarcastically.

“Brad? Kris?”

“Oh, call me Cheeks honey,” Brad waved his hand flippantly, “But Tommy…” Brad then put both his hands on his cocked hips, “You didn’t forget did you?”

“Oh darn, I did! I’m so sorry I totally forgot about Thursday book club!” Book club? Tommy, Brad and Kris were in a book club!? “But I’m afraid I’m going to have to cancel tonight girls. Me and the hubby were planning on having a…special evening,” Tommy and the other two giggled. Wait a second, the HUBBY!?

“Oh, don’t let us spoil that then!” Kris exclaimed with a wink, “We’ll pick up book club next week!”

“Don’t you forget next time!” Brad called as he and Kris left.

Okay, Adam was sufficiently freaked out now. More freaked out than he was of Tommy with the gun. At least Tommy with a gun was kind of in character. This…this was just WEIRD. Like Stepford Wives weird. And Adam kinda wanted to get out of here before he was brainwashed and/or raped.

“So shnookums…How do want to spend our ‘special evening’?” Tommy asked softly as he walked his fingers up Adam’s chest.

“Um, honey?” Adam asked, trying not to sound like he was freaking out. And failing miserably.

“Yes sweetheart?”

“I’m afraid shnookums has to…uh, go out for…something?” Smooth Lambert. Real smooth.

“Oh, but why? You just got home honey…” Tommy wrapped his arms around Adam’s neck and seemed quite unwilling to let go.

“I promise I’ll be back real soon sweetheart,” FUCK no, he wasn’t coming back. There was no other fanfiction that could be more twisted than this*.

Adam worked to disentangle himself from Tommy’s grasp and quickly back towards the door. The instant he was out he bolted, only to be hit by a huge light beam coming from the sky, accompanied by strange beeping and whirring noises.

“Oh, this is not good,” Adam said right before the light beam pulsed and flashed even brighter.

*Unless it's written by me...