Chapter Text
==>Be Gamzee Makara
You are watching from the front porch of your house with Mrs. Wang standing beside you. You are very excited, because your new friend Tavros is coming with his mother to take you to the circus and spend the weekend with them. You have never been over to a friend's house to sleep over before!
It had been a very exciting Friday night to begin with. After you got home from school, your mother took you aside and gave you t-shirts with your symbol on them! She had noticed, when she had occasion to bring you to school, how much more casually the other kids dressed, and noticed how badly you stuck out. She'd let you know that she'd ordered things with your symbol on them, and you had been so excited and now they were finally here!
Your mother sometimes looks at you like she doesn't know what to do with you, but you know that she loves you anyway because she tells you so every day. She'd said, “Your father and I thought you'd be more comfortable this way when you went to school.” You'd beamed as you wriggled into them, and for once, your shirt didn't catch on your horns, for once the fabric felt cool on your skin, for once you didn't feel so
tense.
You had hugged her hard, and after a startled moment, she hugged back, and you could see her smile. “I'm glad it's made you so happy, sweetheart.” She sounded happy too as she tentatively stroked your hair, now growing out after the last crew cut. (You hope it'll be the last one.) You finally feel...
right.
So now, today is even more special, because Tavros hasn't seen your symbol yet, and you'll get to wear it all weekend long.
You hop up and down the front stairs as Mrs. Wang rocks in the chair on the front porch, smiling at you benevolently. She usually lets you do what you want, as long as you're not hurting anything. (You usually don't.) “Be sure to thank Mrs. Penny for bringing you to stay,” she says in her broken accent, “and please be polite.”
“
Okay, I will, I promise.” You hop some more, a little impatient to get going on this weekend, and then you see the green minivan coming up the driveway. Mrs. Wang rose from her seat and put a gentle hand on your shoulder and you still, even though inside you are
still
bouncing.
Tavros waves from inside the minivan, but the harness for his horns prevents him from coming out and saying hi. Tavros' mom, Mrs. Penny, comes out to open the sliding side door as Mrs. Wang led you to meet her. “Hello, I am Mrs. Wang, the house-keeper. Gamzee's mother is out for the weekend with the Senator and she sends regrets that she could not be here to greet you.”
But Mrs. Penny just smiles anyway. “Oh, I know what it's like, sometimes a person just needs to get away for a solo weekend! You can call me Alice. It's nice to meet you.” She turns her bright smile on you. “Hello, Gamzee! What a handsome shirt you're wearing. I just love that color! Are you excited for the circus?”
You can't say anything, so you just nod, smiling shyly. Mrs. Penny is just so pleasant and kind, and she's very pretty for a human, even if she has strange yellow hair and blue eyes. Mrs. Wang taps you on the shoulder gently, and you find your voice again and remember your manners. “Thank you for inviting me.”
She pats you on the head and gestures for you to get in beside Tavros. “We will have him home by dawn on Monday for sleeping,” Mrs. Penny tells the house-keeper.
“
Very well. Be good, Gamzee,” Mrs. Wang says, waving at you. You wave back, grinning as Mrs. Penny puts your bag in the van beside you, and you're off.
“
I like your symbol,” Tavros says, grinning at you. “It's really cool! Will you get to wear it all the time now?”
“
Yeah, I think so. Mom said she’s glad it makes me happy!” It's one of the only times that you can remember she's done something
just
to make you happy and it makes you feel warm inside. Like you
belong.
(Though that's a strange thought...they're your family, so by definition you belong there, right?)
“
Have you got your sunglasses, Gamzee? By the time the circus is over, it's going to be almost daylight.”
“
Yep! I've got 'em. Mrs. Wang always makes sure I have them all the time.” Which is good, because you forget them a lot!
“
She's a nice lady,” Tavros says. Tavros thinks most people are nice, and says so. You like that about him.
“
She takes care of me, and sometimes I get to go over to her house and be with her family too. They're teaching me Chinese!” You already know a few words. You think it's impressive that Mrs. Wang knows both Chinese and English. You look forward to learning Alternian, but they won't start that until next year.
“
Can you say something in it?” Tavros is looking at you eagerly. It's neat the way he likes to learn so much.
“
Well,
ni hao
is how you say 'hello'!”
Tavros repeats after you carefully, and you correct some tiny flaws in his pronunciation before telling him how to say
thank you
and
you're welcome
and a couple other things before you get to the circus.
You and Tavros hold hands and Tavros' mom guides you from behind with a hand on each of your shoulders. You've never seen a tent so large! Mrs. Penny calls it “the Big Top” and you definitely can see why, and it's a good thing she's guiding you, because neither of you are doing much more than looking all around you at all the unfamiliar things, smelling the smells, and shivering in the autumn chill. Mrs. Penny buys you a coke and popcorn and then leads you into the big top to find seats.
There aren't very many people there; after all, this is a performance that is geared towards trolls, and there aren't really
that
many trolls in this particular area of the country. But you can see half of your classmates there and a few juvenile and adult trolls that you've never met before.
Tonight, though, you are only interested in Tavros and his mom. Tavros' dad works during the day and is asleep now, you'll be getting home as he's heading to work. You have never met his father before and you hope he likes you as much as his mom seems to.
But then the circus starts and you aren't currently thinking of anything but how this is completely
blowing your mind.
Tavros' mom says that they used to use animals in circuses, but that there was so much abuse, they stopped. You don't miss them, of course, since you'd never been to the circus before, and the tumblers and acrobats and trapeze artists and the clowns—man, the clowns! You love how spooky-great the makeup is. They make you and Tavros laugh. And there are even
troll
clowns as well!
By the time the circus is over, you are convinced that you are going to be the
best clown ever
when you grow up, and Tavros has decided to accompany you when you run away to the circus: “But we should wait, you know, till we can drive. You, um, have to be able to drive to run away from home.”
Mrs. Penny seems delighted (but then, she
always
seems delighted) that you had such a good time. “I'm so glad you like the clowns because there's a surprise for you two.” It's already very near dawn, the darkness in the East beginning to lighten, and you can't imagine what the surprise would be.
What it turns out to be is that she's arranged for you to meet the troll clowns and get your faces painted. The trolls are delighted to see you and Tavros. “It's nice to see the new generation!” the bow-horned one says happily. Her companion, a large male troll with smaller, pointed horns grins at you. “With any luck, maybe there will be even more trolls next year!”
You ask all sorts of questions about how to become a clown, and you learn that there are schools for such things, like acting schools, there are things to learn like pratfalls and pantomime, juggling and all sorts of physical comedy.
The female troll takes care of Tavros, painting his face in fanciful swirls of color, and Tavros giggles at the brush strokes over his skin. The other troll tilts his head. “You're colorful enough without the makeup...how about just white, and we'll let your skin show through.” You nod, that sounds good to you!
When you're done, Mrs. Penny beams and says, “Oh, I want pictures,” and motions for the two of you to get closer together. You sling an arm around Tavros and you smile for the picture.
“
I'm going to send one of these to your mother, Gamzee. You guys look great!” She bends over to look into your face and presses her finger gently to your nose, smiling at you.
You can feel your face flush beneath the face paint and your blood-pusher does this
thump
. You are in
love
.
On the way home, Mrs. Penny adjusts the tint of the back windows of the minivan so that it blocks most of the early morning sunlight, and you both have your sunglasses on. The two of you are sleepy and yawning, but happy. Tavros' mom looks exhausted but happy as well, though you think she looks a bit more pale than normal. (It's hard to tell with humans! Their skin comes in so many colors and shades...)
You're dozing off in the back seat, your head leaning against Tavros, and you can hear Mrs. Penny talking quietly on the hands-free cellphone device to her husband. The heat is on, and the movement of the car lulls you to sleep.
==>Be Alice Penny
“
I wish you'd have been there,” you tell George. “The boys were so excited and sweet. They had so much fun tonight!”
“
That's great, honey. Are you sure you're okay? I could have taken them tonight, you know.”
You smile. He worries too much. “I'm fine, dear. You know I wouldn't have missed this for the world.”
“
Maybe it's not good for you to be staying up all night in your condition...”
You bite your lip but you haven't stopped smiling yet. You can't help it, you're the happiest you've been in your life. “Honey, I'm only two months along, and I feel fine. I promise, I haven't done anything too strenuous.” Your heart thumps in your chest. You haven't yet told Tavros that he's going to become a big brother, and you are nervous as to how he'll take the news. You adopted Tavros when you were so young, and weren't sure that you were going to have children at all. You want him not to worry about his place in the family or worry that you won't love him as much anymore. You want him to feel included, and help out with the baby.
George sighs over the phone. “I know. I'm just worrying too much. Are you going to be home soon?”
“
Yes. I'm on the road now. The boys are dozing off in the back seat. I promise that I'll sleep while they're sleeping today.”
“
You'd better. You know I need my little mad girl.”
“
Stop making
Alice in Wonderland
references, you'll make me run off the road,” you say, laughing.
“
But you know all the best people are mad...”
“
...George...”
“
Maybe I should put a sign somewhere on me next time...”
“
...don't even go there...”
“
You know,” he says, “Something like 'Eat--'”
“
George Herbert Penny, don't you
even
finish that thought.” Your face is bright red, but your grin is huge. He's a silly, silly man.
“
Okay, okay, spoilsport. I'll see you home.”
“
See you home. Bye.” You hang up, then glance in the rearview mirror to see the boys curled up asleep in the back of the car.
You take a deep breath and murmur. “Okay, baby, let's get these boys home.”
==>Be Tavros Nitram.
You have had the best night of your life and you are exhausted. You don't wake up till your mom pulls into the driveway of your house, and Dad opens up the side door and takes you out of the minivan while Mom manages to wake Gamzee.
“
Hey, sport. Great facepaint,” he says, hugging you and bringing you into the house. “Mom says you guys had a great time.”
“
Oh, yes! And I think Gamzee really liked the clowns a lot! We're going to join the circus when we get old enough.”
“
Oh well, whew! I'm glad you've made your decision about your life's work so early, now I can stop worrying,” his father said, laughing.
You laugh too because your Dad is really silly! And also because it feels good to be with him before he goes to work. He holds an umbrella over your head to shield you from the early morning sunshine as you go into the house, which has all the shades drawn and is dimly lit.
Your mother is leading Gamzee into the house with an arm around his shoulders, and he is yawning. “I think these boys need to go to bed as soon as possible,” she says.
Gamzee grins up at your mother, but he is too sleepy to really talk. “Probably,” you say, grinning over at Gamzee.
Your parents help you set up the sleeping bags on the floor of your room. Your mother thought for a long time about how to have you sleep on the floor with your big horns, and finally just made a sort of platform out of foam rubber with a ledge for you to allow for sleeping with your horns.
And after washing the paint off your faces and brushing your teeth, they tuck the two of you in. Once the door is closed and you are together in the dim light, Gamzee lifts his head to look at you. “This was the best night ever, Tav.” He grins at you, his eyes sleepy and half-lidded.
“
Yeah. And we've still got more nights to this weekend before you have to go home!” You feel ridiculously happy that he's here, and that he's happy.
He sighs. “Yeah...”
And then he's asleep.
Before you know it, you are too.
==>Gamzee: Wake up.
You have had awesome dreams, and now it is time to wake up. It's strange to wake up on the floor, with the ceiling much higher up than you're used to. Tavros is still curled up on the floor like a kitten, his chubby cheek resting on his arm. It makes you feel warm and happy to see him. Tinkerbull is curled up in between the two of you, sleeping contently as well.
You've never really seen a lusus up close before, because not very many trolls had them! He's so white! And way smaller than you expected a lusus to be, but then the large ones all died on the way from Alternia. That makes you feel a little sad sometimes, because whoever your lusus was meant to be, he'd never made it to Earth, and you never got to meet him.
Tinkerbull's eyes open and he looks at you, steady, blinking slowly. You get the feeling that he's judging you, so you don't look away. Finally, he comes over to you and licks your nose. You giggle and he headbutts your shoulder very gently before heading over to nudge his charge awake.
Tavros giggles and wakes up, sitting up carefully. You wonder if he ever gets tired of his horns sticking out like that. “Hi, Gamzee! We should go see if breakfast is ready, are you hungry?” His stomach growls and he giggles again.
“Well, it sounds like you’re hungry, anyway...” You get up and help Tavros up. He’s clumsy and wobbly with his big horns--you seriously do worry and you hope he’ll grow into them.
The two of you head to the kitchen, but instead of Tav’s mom, it’s his dad who’s in the kitchen. Evidently, this is a surprised to Tavros as well, since he exclaims “Dad!” and rushes to hug him.
“Whoa, big fella,” he says, hugging Tavros back. “Breakfast is almost ready. Try and keep it down, because your mother is still sleeping. She was very tired so I came back home to help.”
What you are thinking is that Mr. Penny looks worried, but you don’t say that, because Tavros looks a little worried, too. You both sit at the table and you both swing your legs the same way. Tavros tries to look unconcerned but you can tell that he’s worried.
“I figured that when the moon comes up a little more, I’ll set up the telescope and we can go and look at the it and the stars.”
“I’ve never looked through a telescope before. That would be pretty neat!” You have led a fairly sheltered life, and sometimes you wonder what it would be like to be a little more...free. Less in the public eye.
“Well, Gamzee, I hope it will be a treat for you, then.”
==>Tavros: sneak away and check on Mommy
You know Daddy said she was okay, but still. You can hardly remember a night where she wasn’t the first person you saw when you woke up, and it gives you a weird feeling. So you quietly push the door open and tiptoe inside, trying not to wake her up. She really does look tired, and you worry so.
Sometimes, your dreams are very bad ones, and sometimes you dream that Mommy and Daddy are gone and you can’t find them, and Tinkerbull is gone, and there’s no one but you in a strange little house all alone and you can’t walk or move or anything! And sometimes you dream of terrifying dark creatures who come to your house and hurt your parents and hurt you and there isn’t a thing you can do about it! And they scare you
so
much, and sometimes when it’s still light out when you wake up, you lie there and try to calm down and try to remember that that dream-house isn’t your real-house and then Tinkerbull flutters down to check on you and you know everything will be okay.
But right now, you aren’t dreaming, and you wonder if Mommy really will be all right. You pull the covers gently over her shoulders so that she will be warm, and she stirs. “Tavros honey?”
You bite your lip, tiny sharp teeth pressing in. “Hi, Mommy. ‘M sorry I woke you up. I just...wanted to see you.”
“It’s okay, baby.” She yawns and reaches out to ruffle your hair. “I’m all right, just a little tired out from our adventure yesterday. Did Daddy give you and Gamzee breakfast already?”
You nod. “Eggs and bacon.”
“Good. Tell you what. Let Mommy sleep just a little while longer, and I’ll read to you and Gamzee later tonight.”
You smile. Now you know that Mommy is okay, plus, she’s going to read to you which is your favorite thing in all the world. “Okay.” Careful of your horns, you lean over to kiss her cheek. “G’night, Mommy.”
When you go back out into the den, Gamzee and your Dad are building a fort with couch cushions, kitchen chairs, and blankets. “How’s Mommy?” your father asks you, and you blush brown.
“Um...Um, I didn’t mean...” You tug at the hem of your shirt awkwardly.
“It’s okay, Tav. Now, come on in, we’re going to sit in our blanket fort and tell stories.”
“Okay!”
==>Be Gamzee again.
Being with Tavros’ family is really quite different. You recognize, of course, that they have different jobs and a different lifestyle, and that your family’s style isn’t bad, it’s just
different.
Still, you come away from a session of stargazing with Tavros’ dad feeling as if you belong here in a way that you don’t quite belong at home. Everyone here is just so...
interested
. Interested in you, interested in nature, science, books...there’s a lot of imagination here.
And it isn’t that your parents aren’t interested! It’s more like...Tavros’ parents are so new. He’s the only kid. You have six step siblings that you’ve only seen a handful of times, and who aren’t...well, they’re not precisely accepting of you. You can tell they regard you as strange. And your mom and dad are very busy people, so it isn’t fair of you to do comparisons, really...
By the time Tavros’ mom is finishing up
Peter Pan
, you are fighting to stay awake, however. You usually do not stay up quite this late, and it’s the second late night in a row, and you’ve been playing all night long! Before you know it, Tavros has his head on your shoulder and he’s drowsy too, and before much later, you feel Tavros’ Dad lift him up off of your shoulder and carry him off to bed.
Mrs. Penny extends a hand to you and helps you off the floor. “It’s been very nice to have you here, Gamzee,” she says, putting an arm around you and steering your sleepy self to Tav’s room. “Did you have a nice time?”
She smells nice, like soap and flowers or something, and she’s so pretty... “Yeah, I really did.” And then you remember your manners. “Thank you, Mrs. Penny...”
“I hope you’ll come back often,” she says, smiling. “Tavros really enjoyed having you over here, and it was nice for us, too.”
You don’t know what to say to that, and you just know your face has flushed purple. But Tavros’ parents tuck the two of you into your sleeping bags on the floor and say good night to you, and Tinkerbull settles in between the two of you, and the last thing you see before drifting off to sleep is Tinkerbull keeping a watchful eye on the door.
==>Be Alice Penny
The boys are asleep and you are going back to sleep soon as well, but right now, George and you are sitting and relaxing on the couch (after having replaced the cushions from the fort beforehand).
“We’re not going to be able to keep secrets from him for long,” he says. “You know how perceptive he is. He knows something’s not right.”
“I know.” You sigh. “The story’s almost done. Then we’ll sit down and tell him.” You lean your head on his shoulder. “I’m worried about how he’ll take it. It’s such a big year for changes...”
“But he’s a strong kid and he knows we love him. It’s going to be all right, and you know he’ll be a great big brother.”
You know this, but it doesn’t stop you from worrying. You sigh and smooth your hand over your belly, still mostly flat but beginning to round out with baby. “I know you’re right and I know I can’t wait much longer. I’m already starting to show.”
“Plus, he’s going to figure out something’s going on by the way you keep getting all glow-y.”
You blush and slap his arm lightly. “Oh, stop you.”
He chuckles and cuddles you close, and you doze on his shoulder, putting aside your worries for now.
==>Be Gamzee Makara, and go home.
You kind of don’t want to, even though you do want to see your dad and mom and Mrs. Wang again. It was just so nice to be around Tavros and his family. It was nice to just be around another troll kid, like you.
You feel sort of guilty for enjoying it there so much. You know your parents love you!
But Tavros is holding your hand. Neither of you are saying much, because you’ve pretty much talked yourselves out, but he’s just holding your hand and you realize how alone you feel being the only troll in your family.
As the minivan pulls into the driveway, you spy Mrs. Wang waiting for you and waving and you’re glad it’s her waiting for you. She never tells you to calm down when you’re excited or to wait to tell your news until you’ve nearly forgotten it. You have so much to tell her!
Though you will really, really try to wait till Mrs. Penny and Tavros have left.
When the minivan stops, Tavros squeezes your hand. “I had lots of fun with you, Gamzee! You’re gonna have to come over more.”
You nod. “I hope so!” You feel more like...yourself than you ever have before.
When you’ve said good-bye to Tavros and Mrs. Penny, you run to Mrs. Wang and hug her hard, and she laughs. “Well, now, and did you have a good time, little one?”
That, surely, is your signal to tell Mrs. Wang all about your weekend as she leads you inside. You barely notice when you’re in the kitchen, so wrapped up are you in telling her everything that’s happened over the weekend, and showing her the picture Mrs. Penny printed out of you and Tavros in your clown makeup.
She smiles fondly as she looks at the picture. “Well now, xiao chou, it seems I have a new nickname for you. I hope I shall see you smile this big much more often.” She gives you a glass of juice and carrot sticks and ruffles your hair (you really are hoping for no more crewcuts).
You munch a moment, feeling pretty happy, and then something occurs to you. “What does ‘xiao chou’ mean?”
“It means ‘little clown’, and a more apt nickname for you I have not come across.”