==> PERUSE ARTICLE
By INTREPID JOURNALIST
In HOTTEST HEROES OF THE LAST HUNDRED YEARS, Lady Luck and Captain Typheus achieved the impossible: won Reader’s Choice and a coveted second place, right after The Immortal Forty-Eight and just before citywide favorite The Exiles.
Emerging today for an interview, it’s true that they’re larger than life. I’m not the first to get starstruck in front of this much orange and blue. They’ve been at the gig six years, and it’s the rare citizen who hasn’t been grateful to these two for rescue from crooks, cutthroats, runaway steamrollers or possessed demon sloths.
“And jerks,” adds Captain Typheus. “No problem too small, right?”
Typheus does seem the much-vaunted friend to all in front of anyone, interviewer or nanny in need. His handshake is solid; I’m greeted like an old highschool pal. His Lady displays her assured, bombastic enthusiasm when she reaches out her own, which I realize belatedly I’m meant to kiss.
They’re both suited up for the occasion, and the familiar symbols this close show some practical wear and tear. Their owners, by comparison, not so much — in the past six years they haven’t aged or worn, just grown bigger and better. By human and troll standards they’re both knockouts; Captain Typheus has a lot of hair and very white teeth. So does Lady Luck.
We sit around shooting the breeze and drinking Cokes. Today Luck and Typheus faced a giant sewer crocodile and they recount parts of the battle to each other, laughing and correcting choreography the other’s screwed up. Other superpairs evince more reserve — Parcel Mistress and her intrepid secondaries come to mind — but these two are easy and affectionate, which might inform my first question.
So let’s get the answer everyone’s dying to hear. Human partners? Married - or one of the troll quadrants? Matesprits? Auspistices?
oh, geez. [both laugh] have we really been keeping this on the “downlow”? i thought everyone could tell. well, to everyone out there, it’s moirails, you know, troll pale. we’re pretty serious. i’m still waiting for her to make me an honest woman.
Please! I’m just w8ing for the right moment to ask.
bended knee, partner. i want bended knee.
Get 8ent! Anyway, some trolls say you can’t 8e superpartners and moirails at the same time. I say 8ullshit to that!!!!!!!! Know who knows what’s 8est for Typheus? Me! And do you know what’s 8est for Typheus? Crimefighting! Yeah.
Let’s take it back to the beginning. You two made your debut after TYPHEUS’S epic teen takedown of supervillain wild child and amoral monster, the MARQUISE. LADY LUCK, what are your thoughts on the victory that made your partner talk of the city?
This total stranger seems a lot more sympath8ic than you’re m8king out!!!!!!!!!
==>TURN THE PAGE
Crazy amounts of good luck — or bad luck to your enemies. Wind control. For the both of you, superb skill in melee combat — and flight! So what’s the origin story of your powers?
we harnessed the power of true love!
It was 8oss!
C’mon. What’s with all the secrecy? Even on the official registry forms, your power origin is blanked out. It’s not completely unheard of, but do you want to at least give us a hint?
We just told you. Seriously! Love and all the gross human diseases that come with it, it’s the 8est. We’re powered off 8y how totally cool and gr8 the other one is, and then we use all that mystical power to 8low up crocodiles.
it was the best use we could think of. i think we made the right decision, lady luck.
Undou8t8ly. [they knuckle-bump.]
You two have each come under critique from the villain community by not having a criminal counterpart. What gives?
well, what the good citizens may not know is that i already have a nemesis.
Typheus, 8etty Crocker is not real.
i know what i saw. it was five years ago, and i was patrolling late. the sunset coated everything in a terrible haze like old yogurt. i saw oily stains on the ground, then crumbs. after the crumbs came the cake. cake doesn’t sound very intimidating, right? [leans forward] but not so fast! you don’t even know the things i saw her do with cake.
whoa, maybe you should censor this in case teen heroes are reading. it’s pretty grim. i guess all i’ll say is that the batterwitch and i fought to a sticky standstill. i have never seen anything so evil, and my only worry is that i have never seen anything so evil again.
You were drunk!
drunk on righteous rage.
betty, if you’re out there, i’m waiting. i will always wait for you.
==>TURN THE PAGE
But LADY LUCK, what about you?
I’m w8ing for the right villain. I’m a troll, this means something to us. You can’t just enter a rivalry with any old asshole! You have to hold out for someone who really yanks your heroic frond. In fact, I don’t hold out much hope I’ll ever meet someone who’d 8e as villainous as I could get. You know. If I had 8een or ever would 8e a villain.
Which I wasn’t.
it’s not like she hasn’t had plenty of dark admirers, ha ha.
8eating them off with a stick!
we beat them all off.
It’s getting major-league dum8, stupid and 8oring, though. Like, last week the Failen tried to send me a ransom note for the guy who runs my laundromat. Seriously? Seriously???????? Damn! You are desper8 as well as pathetic.
You mean THE FALLEN?
does anyone actually call him that?
The guy is a misera8le fucking em8arrassment to villainy. I have shit 8etter villains. Fact! Can I say that in an interview? Too 8ad, 8ecause I just did.
lady, you can’t say that in front of kids.
Kids, I just taught you how to spell fuck! Thank me l8er.
anyway, he shouldn’t have picked a name that’s something you do down stairs.
I’ll talk to my editors about it. That aside, there’s plenty of up-and-coming villains around that aren’t THE FALLEN, as well as some pretty good established creeps. Just off the top of my head, what about SELF-INSERT?
Wow, no! I could never hurt that impecca8le creature.
she and i dated once. but, uh, we had to break it off, because she is a sweet, lovely, caring lady, and i just couldn’t be the person she needed or give her the love that those gaping wounds of her past needed to heal. self-insert, if you’re reading this, you are all class and i will never forget you.
Turns out we were 8oth d8ing her at the same time. Awkwaaaaaaaard.
==>TURN THE PAGE
Let’s talk about the people in your lives. What kind of support network do you have?
well, we have the support of only the most talented victim in the business, karkat vantas. seriously, he is such a professional. whether he is getting held up at a bank or being used as a meat shield for someone escaping, he is one of the most giving hostages ever. whenever i’m on a mission and the mission involves rescuing karkat, i know i’m not going to have any trouble plucking him out of the way before a giant snake tries to eat him. he is a trooper and a true artist.
He also drives our van!
yeah, he also divides his time between us and, you know, walking accidentally into grim nighttime drug busts for the oracle and her crew, so i guess we have to share him. by day he’s getting assaulted by hallucinogenic death frogs, by night he’s digging his own shallow grave. [gesturing] that’s flexibility. that is rare.
I once saw him get impregn8ed with a 8illion horri8le poison spores and he just kept on eating his taco. I laughed.
What about your futures? You’ve gone on record as saying that you’re not interested in the merchandise portion of the biz.
yeah, we’re sort of leaving that to renowned superhero duo the hot gods.
not that the money wouldn’t be nice. i mean, if i got to pick, my perfect future would be settling down and having some kids with that special someone. [winks emphatically] see it’s because when i was growing up, my hero was my dad. there was nothing he couldn’t do. my old man was incredible!
i say ‘was’ because he is deceased now.
As for me, the future? Pshhhhhhhh. That’s for other losers. I’m going to fight until I die!
“Heroes give us the gift of the future.” I have to ask: the events of two weeks ago. Your colleagues Horsepower and Catapult were shelved, despite redestruction of Fenris. Can we talk about Fenris? Can you talk about what happened in general?
Sorry, journalistic integrity, I had to try. Let’s end on a brighter note: what advice would you give to young superheroes?
Young superheroes come up to me aaaaaaaall the time. They’re all, “Lady Luck, you’re the 8est! When I graduate to a full hero license, I want to 8e just like you.” Man! Adora8le. So I always make sure I give my little 8uddies wise words to live 8y.
Like: get the fuck out of my way! I’m trying to kill a 8ig slime monster! Geeeeeeeez!
remember that superheroes become heroes so that other people don’t have to. so you have to love the people you’re doing this for, though the heroes association wanted me to talk about how you shouldn’t love them so much that you end up obviously getting their phone numbers! this is “unprofessional.” my bad.
it’s your duty to love them like you’d love a well-behaved puppy or a wedge of pie.
wait. unless you’re an antihero.
The city does not know what’s coming. This city isn’t aware of any changes in metaphorical temperature. Reason being, cities don’t have complex feelings.
This city is old. Old as balls. But only today will it be given a name! What will this glorious metropolis be called?
==>WELCOME TO THE CITY TAKE TWO
Truly, a fine array of names! But which of these heralds our cradle of civilization?
Welcome to PARADOX CITY!
Take a stroll down its main street, the YELLOW YARD. Or do you own an apartment in the rich carapace district of CAN TOWN CENTRAL? Visit CADEUCEUS AVENUE or GENESIS HEIGHTS, or enjoy an afternoon in BILIOUS PARK. Raise your young in the vast residential jungle of HUS ANDRELES, or don’t raise your young in THE SUBURB OF CONCRETE AND SMOG.
But venture only cautiously into the once-great YAOIVILLE, named after fine old benefactor HENRY YAOI. Late at night things can get tense down there.
==>NIGHT FALLS. LADY LUCK: WAKE UP.
But who travels Paradox City at this inauspicious hour? Who answers its pleas?
==>BE THE GRIMDARK HERO THAT PARADOX CITY NEEDS
-—SHOW MONOLOGUE LOG—-
4NOTH3R SC4L3M4T3 C4RC4SS 1N MY 4LL3Y TH1S MORN1NG. CO4RS3 ROP3 ON TW1ST3D N3CK. TH3 C1TY 1S 4FR41D OF M3. 1 H4V3 SM3LT 1TS TRU3 F4C3 4ND 1T ST1NKS OF L13S.
THE STR33TS 4R3 JUST GUTT3RS 4ND TH3 GUTT3RS 4R3 FULL OF D3L1C1OUS BLOOD, TH3 C4NDY FL4VOUR3D K1ND TH4T HUM4NS 4ND CH3SS P3OPL3 BL33D 4ND WH3N TH3 STR33TS F1N4LLY SC4B OV3R 3V3RYON3 W1LL DROWN 1N TH3 CH3RRY 4P3SH1T 4POC4LYPS3.
1T W1LL FO4M D3L1C1OUSLY 4BOUT TH31R L1TTL3 W41STS 4ND 4LL TH3 L14RS 4ND FR4UDS W1LL LOOK UP 4ND SHOUT “S4V3 US!”...
4ND 1 W1LL WH1SP3R
hey i brought the piz —
please tell me you arent monologuing again
i am not sitting through one more night of your insane rooftop shitsonnets
==>BE THE GRIMDARK HERO INTERRUPTED BY PIZZA
Your name is Terezi Pyrope and your partner does not appreciate art. He may spin a sick rhyme or five when the fancy strikes him but his appreciation for the spoken word ends with diggity down d bombs and hardly extends to the ancient and sacred art of valiant soliloquy. He takes no joy in the HEROIC HARANGUING of HEINOUS HARRIDANS. He does not fall faint when you LAVISHLY LECTURE these LOATHSOME LECHERS. There is no joy in his soul for the way you weave FANTASTIC FICTIONS at your FEARSOME FOE -—
-—SHOW HERO LOG—-
yo stop alliterating in your head and help me eat this shit
i had to wait like forty five minutes for your special ingredients
might as well have glazed this thing in my blood
OH MR STR1D3R YOU 4R3 SUUUUCH 4 PROF3SS1ON4L
a professional pimp master of pizza delivery
4 PROF3SS1ON4L DUMP4SS W1TH NO S3NS3 OF 4DV3NTUR3 4ND QU3ST1ON4BL3 T4ST3 1N P1ZZ4 D3COR4T1ONS!!!
yknow if you like the pomp and posturing so much what are we doing on the night racket
popping caps in the asses of the kind of assholes who think that pop a cap in yo ass is still an acceptable thing to say and be taken seriously
when we could be fighting pterodactyls and mad scientists
think of all the alliteration
as we ptrounced the pterrible pterodactyl
YOU DO NOT PRONOUNC3 TH3 P 1N PT3RR1BL3
no see i was doing you a favour tz
that was your chance to launch into exposition
i know how much you love exposition so dont say i never did you any favors
==>OR4CL3, INDULGE IN YOUR THIRD FAVOURITE HEROIC ACTIVITY
-—SHOW HERO LOG—-
3V3R S1NC3 TH3 ONS3T OF SUP3R SC13NC3 4ND R4D14T1ON L34KS TH1S C1TY H4S TURN3D 1TS 4TT3NT1ON TO B1GG3R 4ND B3TT3R THR34TS!
TH3 SORT OF THR34TS TH4T DO NOT LURK B3N34TH GR4P3-COL4 SK13S OF SMOG 4ND ST4RS
BUT TH3 K1ND TH4T W4LK FR33LY B3N34TH TH3 L3MONY-FR3SH C4NOPY OF D4Y!
BUT TH1S C1TY N3V3R SL33PS D4V3 4ND N31TH3R DO W3! >:]
WH3N 1 W4S 4 YOUNG 1D34L1ST1C WR1GGL3R TR41N1NG TO T4K3 TH3 CRU3LL3ST B4R 1 B3L13V3D TH4T TH3 F4T3S OF TH3 LOWL1V3S W3 ST4LK 3V3RY N1GHT W3R3 TH3 PROV1D3NC3 OF TH3 COURTS
1 B3L13V3D TH4T TH3 L4W W4S 1NF4LL14BL3!
but you learned quickly that the system is all kinds of fucked up and thats why youre here wearing enough popped collar to drown any first year trust fund asshole and not eating this pizza i bought
Y3S. V3RY 4CCUR4T3 R3T3LL1NG OF MY SUP3RH3RO OR1G1N. 1T 1S 4LMOST 4S 1F YOU H4V3 H34RD 1T B3FOR3!
yeah wow imagine that
anyways you done yet this things getting cold as vernadsky
F1N3 F1N3, JUST —
that looks like something we should probably check out
Y3S. 1T 1S T1M3 FOR US TO L34P 1NTO 4CT1ON!!!!
==>AND SO THE DARING DUO HEED THE CALL OF JUSTICE! NO CRIMINAL WOULD EVER DARE TO CROSS PATHS WITH...
-—SHOW HERO LOG—-
TH3 OR4CL3!!! >:]
oh come on do i have to
JUST S4Y 1T!!! >:[
... justin time
==>DARING DUO: EXTRACT YOUR HEROIC SELVES FROM THE DUMPSTER
-—SHOW HERO LOG—-
4UGH TH4TS TH3 TH1RD T1M3 TH1S W33K W3 H4V3 L4ND3D 1N TH1S 3X4CT DUMPST3R >:[
1T KN3W WH4T 1T W4S G3TT1NG 1NTO
tz no pizza is an innocent lifeform
NO ON3 1S 1NNOC3NT D4V3
TH1S 1S Y4O1V1LL3
yeah good thing we dont live here right
==>BE THE ONES WHO LIVE IN YAOIVILLE
Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. You are currently sitting in a CRAPPY FOUR-WHEELED VEHICULAR DEVICE working your second shift as the GUY WHO DRIVES THE VAN for your dumbass superhero friends. Your day job is that of a HIGH PROFILE ACCREDITED VICTIM, also for your dumbass superhero friends. Superhero is basically the most asinine profession you could possibly name out of over a thousand asinine professions that exist to be named. You have most certainly NEVER BEEN a superhero and would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS ever consider becoming one again!
It is a stupid profession for babies who poop in their diapers. They poop blood because they just got shot ten times. That is what happens to babies who become superheroes. Adults too.
Wait, who’s that knocking on your window? It better not be one of those drug dealers down the road! You are SO off duty right now!
let me in!! its really grimdark out here and i forgot my jacket! :(
==>LET HER IN. IT IS PRETTY GRIMDARK OUT THERE.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE IN YOUR CONDITION.
ALSO, WHAT THE WET FECAL TRUFFLES ARE YOU DOING WRITHING AROUND ON THE PASSENGER SEAT?
oh nothing karkat its not like im... pregnant!!! :c
OH, DEAR DEAD TROLL GOD. STRIDER SPAT IN YOUR EYE, DIDN’T HE? HE KNOCKED YOU UP! YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE PARASITES. WHERE WILL WE PUT THEM? WHEN DO THEY COME? WHAT WILL OUR TYRANNICAL LANDLORD SAY???
oh my god! stop having racist ideas
babies dont even work that way, im hiding your goddamn dinner if you must know!! i ran into dave and you know youre not supposed to eat on the job
YOU KNOW YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE BACK HOME. I TIVO’D “BEST OF FREESTYLE BARKBEAST DANCING” AND EVERYTHING. THE NEXT PART OF MY PLAN IS TO NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR AND HOPE WE GET BACK OUR DEPOSIT.
i just didnt want to be alone, ok?
YAOIVILLE CAN GET A LITTLE ROUGH AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT ANYWAY.
so tell me why we got an apartment there again???
WELL, WE COULD’VE GONE TO YURIVILLE, BUT ALMOST NOBODY LIVES THERE.
ANYWAY, PASS ME SOME FRIES. SITTING AROUND WAITING FOR ORACLE AND TIMESKIP OR MINUTEMAN — OR WHATEVER EMBARRASSING MONIKER HE’S DREAMT UP AS SYNONYM FOR ‘ASSHOLE LAD’! — IS NOT MY IDEA OF A FUN EVENING. TYPHEUS AND LUCK AT LEAST ONLY PROVIDE ME WITH SWIFT MASSAGES OF MY TIED-TO-TRAIN-TRACK MUSCLES. WITH THESE TWO, I JUST FUCKING KNOW THAT BY 2 AM, I’LL BE BURIED UNDERNEATH A PILE OF DEAD ORPHANS SOLD FOR THE SHOE-MAKING SEX TRADE.
THEY’RE AT LEAST PUNCTUAL.
yeah well at least youre still gainfully employed unlike oh i dont know ME
i dont know what i am going to do! not at all! two weeks and thats the really weird part, the not knowing
YOU ARE GOING TO SIT HERE
im not hungry :(
AND YOU WILL DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. CAN YOU ACHIEVE PERISTALSIS, OR ARE YOU GOING TO MALINGER THERE PRETENDING THAT NOT FEEDING YOURSELF WILL HELP ANYONE, LEAST OF ALL GODDAMNED HORSEPOWER AND CATAPULT?
boo hoo hoo hoo hoo :( :( :(
JADE! FUCK — FUCK. FUCK. SHIT. ALMIGHTY NOOK CRINKLES. SHHH, SHHH, DON’T LEAK. JUST — COME HERE, YOU HIDEOUS MESS, LET ME GET YOU A TISSUE.
while i was pregnant with your food i got hot grease on my tummy D:
INCOMING FROM STRIDER. GET INTO THE BACK AND BELT UP, WE’RE ON THE MOVE.
ok, ok! keep your pants on geeeez
MY PANTS ARE WELDED FIRMLY TO EACH BUTTOCK, AND EVEN IF THEY WEREN’T, HOW ABOUT TAKING A JUMP OFF GET-A-CLUE DOCK AND TREATING THIS ONE THING WITH CONSIDERATION! THIS IS A FUCKING CALL-OUT. WE ARE ON THE MOVE. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DISASTER AND SUCCESS RELIES ON THE URGENCY AND FINESSE IN WHICH I, THE DRIVER, FERRY OUR TWO SUPERJERKS TO THEIR DESTINATION.
TENSION WILL BE HIGH. EVERY SECOND COUNTS. WILL WE ARRIVE AT THE STILL-TICKING TIMEBOMB, OR THE RAPIDLY COOLING CORPSES MY TARDINESS CAUSED?
THIS IS THE ONE ASPECT OF MY SHITTY JOB THAT HAS TO BE TREATED WITH DUE SERIOUSNESS. THIS IS CRUNCH TIME, JADE HARLEY. THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH.
NO, YOUR OTH3R L3FT
THAT’LL TAKE US DOWNTOWN.
NOT 1F YOU T4K3 TH3 S3COND 1NT3RS3CT1ON
DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THAT’S THE MOST DIRECT ROUTE? WE GO TWO BLOCKS FROM HERE, THEN WE HEAD WEST AT THE LIGHTS.
K4RK4T TH4TS NOT 3V3N W3ST
W3ST WOULD B3 T4K1NG 4 R1GHT 4T TH3 P4RK
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW THE RULES OF THIS VAN?? THE RULE OF THIS VAN IS THAT WHOEVER IS IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT HAS NIGH-OMNIPOTENT CONTROL OF THE DIRECTIONS IN WHICH THE VAN IS GOING, AND WHOEVER IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT SHUTS HER REEKING DRIVELGATE!
1S TH3 RUL3 4LSO TH4T TH3 DR1V3R H4S TO SLOW DOWN 4T 4LL TH3 4MB3R STOPL1GHTS
FUCK YOU! AMBER MEANS SLOW DOWN!
1TS 4 R3COMM3ND4T1ON, NOT 4 R3QU1R3M3NT
1 SHOULD KNOW >:[
wow dave you smell like a dumpster :c
bite your tongue girl thats my cologne
D1D YOU R34LLY JUST GO THROUGH TH4T STOP
OH, MY FUCKING DEAD TROLL GODS. THIS AFTER YOU SADDLE UP AND RIDING MY ASS HEAVENWARDS TO IGNORE LEGITIMATE TRAFFIC LAW REGARDING ORANGE LIGHTS! PICK ONE, TEREZI. PICK ONE.
TH3Y 4R3 NOT TH3 S4M3 TH1NG!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK. TRIPLE FUCK SCORE. THAT’S IT! MAYBE IF I DRIVE FAST ENOUGH I CAN DRIVE US BACK TOWARDS THE GOOD OLD DAYS, BACK WHEN YOU WERE HAPPY WITH ME, OUR LIVES TOGETHER, AND THE WAY I GODDAMN DROVE.
-—TEN YEARS PREVIOUS—-
W41T W41T YOU M1SS3D OUR EX1T
WOULD YOU STOP SECOND-GUESSING ME FOR MORE THAN TEN FUCKING MICROSECONDS??? CHEAT MODE: IF YOU DON’T CEASELESSLY JABBER MISINFORMATION ABOUT THE ROUTE WE’RE TAKING, WE WILL GET THERE IN TIME FOR THE BLOOD TO BE FRESH!
— OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD I JUST HIT A TRAFFIC CONE OH MAN
Never look 8ack!!!!!!!!
SHUT UP, ARACHKID.
==>FINALLY ARRIVE AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME
It is a hard life being in the MOBSTER KINGPIN’S employ. You work the SASSY SPEAKEASY nightshift, SASSY SPEAKEASIES being a thing despite Paradox City’s stark lack of PROHIBITION. You are constantly harrassed by RIVAL GANGS, such as THE FELT, whose clock cache you are knocking over RIGHT THE NOW.
Some may think bombing the fuck out of security systems and then ransacking SWEET TIMEPIECE SUPPLIES sounds a good gig. It is not. Just check out these two assholes, screwing up your shit, jumping through the window. Who do they even think they are?
Oh fuck. It is TH3 OR4C3L3 and Justin Time. Grim scowls abound! Maybe you should surround them and charge one by one, grappling with many a snappy onomatopoeia.
Or you could just fucking shoot them.
Here’s the deal with these two shadowy vigilantes: you think you’ve cornered them, you think you can open fire and make everything kind of brutal, you think you can maybe even pack their corpses into a FRIGIDAIRE or two. Just so future superheroes know what happens when you face GRITTY ORGANIZED CRIME.
Then you wonder what this swirling anime bullshit does.
==>ORACLE AND JUSTIN TIME: CHRONOCHROMATIC INJUNCTION
You cannot wonder what this swirling anime bullshit does. You are frozen in time, and there has been a judicial order against the bullshit gritty action you took previously.
Redress is ordered against the pre-injured party.
GRIM. AS. HELL.
==>RETRIEVE ANYONE LEFT ALIVE
-—SHOW INTERROGATION LOG—-
were about to enjoy a rousing game of bad cop apathetic cop
TH1S COULD 3ND W1TH YOU S1TT1NG 1N 4 N1C3 W4RM P4R4DOX C1TY POL1C3 D3P4RTM3NT C3LL 4BOUT TO 3NJOY 4 PR1SON S3NT3NC3 WH3R3 K1NGP1N 4ND 3NGL1SH C4NT R34CH YOU
ORRRRR TH1S COULD 3ND 1N 4 N1C3 W4RM P4R4DOX C1TY POL1C3 D3P4RTM3NT C3LL WH3R3 TH3 COPS H4V3 D1SGUST1NG PR1SON3R PROT3CT1V3 S3RV1C3S
1T 4LL D3P3NDS ON YOU T3LL1NG US WHO TH3 CLOCKS 4R3 FOR, WHO SOLD YOU TH3 GUNS 4ND WH3R3 YOUR DROPOFF PO1NT 1S, 4ND HOW D1S4PPO1NT3D 1 W1LL G3T SHOULD 1 SN1FF 4 L13!
YOU S33, W3 H4V3 R4TH3R 4 LOT OF 1NFLU3NC3 4S TO WH3R3 YOU GO
so hey let me do the coin routine this time
JUST1N TH3 CO1N ROUT1N3 1S M1N3 4ND M1N3 BY D1V1N3 R1GHT >:[
i served an observational apprenticeship here it aint hard to take the wheel and flip the fucking caegar as i announce shit like ha ha evildoer looks like you got... shortchanged
which btw i wouldnt let by at the christmas cracker factory let alone a legit shot at someone we tied up
any more of that and i feel like i have to start playing you off yeah dude shell be here all night try the ham
1 4M NOT T4K1NG TH1S FROM TH3 M4N WHO TR13D TO C4LL H1S SUP3R 4LT3R-3GO “CLOCKSL4P”!
NOR WH3N 1N TH3 M1DST OF 4NY 1NT3RROG4T1ON YOU B4S1C4LLY ST4RT R4MBL1NG 4T TH3 P3RP 4LL SUP SUP Y34H 1 4M GO1NG TO D3R41L TH1S BY 1NFORM1NG YOU HOW ‘BOSS’ MY SK1LLS 4R3 TH3N 1LL G3T D1STR4CT3D T4LK1NG 4BOUT MY HOM3 PROBL3MS 4ND MY M1D-PUP4T1ON CR1S1S 4ND TH3 W4T3R PR3SSUR3 1N MY 4P4RTM3NT 4ND TH3 PR1C3 OF P1ZZ4
hey did you know that pizza tonight was like a whole fifty c extra
do you even know how much cheese costs nowadays
BL4R! TH4T 1S D1SGUST1NG! 1T 1S NOT COST 3FF3CT1V3 TO GO N34R D41RY 4NY MOR3
i know right its less expensive to pour molten gold in my joe and call it a day
SO WH4T SHOULD W3 SW1TCH TO 4LL THOS3 NUT 4ND GRUB M1LK SUBST1TUT3S 4R3 D1ST4ST3FUL
Just as planned. The crim is wearing down under all this banal back-and-forth.
==>BUT FROM ACROSS THE STREET
A sniper takes aim.
==>WHAT THE FUCK
-—SHOW HERO LOG—-
TH4T W4S HORS3POW3RS BOW!
well that sure as shit wasnt horsepower
goddamnit this is senseless its just a smalltime clock heist
WH1CH B3GS TH3 QU3ST1ON 4S TO WHY TH1S M4N W4S UNJUST1F14BLY 4RROW3D >:?
someone wants attention real bad
i mean did they not hear we accept dinners and movies of all kinds im anyones after a whiskey
TH3Y DONT JUST W4NT 4NYON3S 4TT3NT1ON, THOUGH!
TH3Y W4NT OURS >:[
damn i cant see for balls its too dark
your smelloscope got anything
==>he’s ESCAPING to the SIDE
-—SHOW HERO LOG—-
not using that amount of juice for less than a meteor strike ok you know that
NO NO NO
H3 W4S SH3LV3D SW33PS 4GO TH1S M4K3S NO S3NS3 WH4TSO3V3R
neither do you so talk to me what the hell is going down
W3 F1LL3D OUT TH3 P4P3RWORK TH3R3 W4S NO S1GN OF H1M S1NC3 SO WHY NOW
4ND WHY MR SW34TY BLU3B3RRYS 4RROW UNL3SS
BUT GR33N? >:O >:O >:O
you gotta translate girl i cant speak crazy
B1L1OUS BL4ST3D B1LL14RDS GR33N!!
HOW COULD 1 H4V3 B33N SO BL1ND >:?
well you did get your eyes irradiated when we were teenagers like i think that helped
tell me what you need me to do
YOU N33D TO T3LL K4RK4T TO G3T H3R3 R1GHT NOW 4ND TH3N C4LL DOWNTOWN 4BOUT TH3 BOD13S B3FOR3 TH3 MOBS COM3
4ND 1 W1LL 3XPL41N 4LL 1N TH3 3L3V4TOR!
we just ate half a pizza lets take the stairs
OK Y3S TH4T 1S TH3 H34LTHY CHO1C3
==>LATER. MORNING OOZES OVER PARADOX CITY
-—SHOW NEWS REPORT—-
<3 ~ recent numbers also show that clock-related crime sprees are at an all-time high and police are warning all clock owners to exercise caution or use non-traditional methods of time-telling such as prayer to the sun gods or animal whispering ~ <3
<3 ~ local crime bosses declined comment on this spate of forceful timepiece removal as did the league of supervillains ~ <3
<3 ~ when oh when will we be allowed to check the time... in peace ~ <3
<3 ~ but now the morning weather ~ <3
==>MORNING IN YAOIVILLE, THE CITY AWAKES
OH, THIS IS A RIPE BUNCH OF SHIT. A WHOLE PILE OF APPETIZING MANURE JETTISONED FROM THE EXCREMENT GASH OF A HOOFBEAST WHOSE DIET HAS LONG CONSISTED OF NOTHING BUT REFRIED BEAN PASTE AND GARLIC SUGAR COOKIES.
karkat, everyone knows the news is biased!
you dont have to say things like that every time its on
“SILENCE IS THE FIRST STEP TO SLAVERY AND SLAVERY IS FUCKING AWFUL.” SO SAID THE SUFFERER ON THE EVE OF HIS HEROIC DEATH.
apparently those words were the first step to his kicking the bucket!
OKAY, THAT WASN’T EVEN CLEVER AND IT ALSO HAD THE BENEFIT OF BEING COMPLETELY DISGUSTING.
oh come on, you know those old heroes and villains werent even real, the sufferers just a comic book character :c
UH, EXCUSE YOU, HARLEY. HE IS ONLY THE GREATEST COMIC BOOK CHARACTER OF ALL TIME. HE EPITOMIZES THE TRUE NATURE OF THE TROLL SPIRIT.
uhhh wow! wasnt his series originally supposed to be a deconstruction or something?
I CAN’T BELIEVE THE THINGS THAT COME OUR OF YOUR GARBLE CREVICE SOMETIMES. DO YOU EVEN LISTEN TO YOURSELF? TROLL ALAN MOORE WAS VERY CLEAR THAT THE SUFFERER’S STORY WAS MEANT TO BE A REFLECTION OF THE HOPES AND DESIRES OF MODERN DAY TROLL SOCIETY.
i think you are interpreting the text from the wrong perspective :B
NO, WE CAN’T HAVE THIS CONVERSATION. IF YOU SOUND ANY MORE LIKE ONE OF THE SCOURGE SISTERS CIRCA FIVE YEARS AGO I’M GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE YOUR NAME TAKEN OFF THE LEASE.
MY POINT WAS
THAT THE NEWS STATION IS RUN ENTIRELY BY THE CITY’S MOST — DESPITE BEING BLISTERINGLY INEPT — NEFARIOUS VILLAINS. THEY TWIST THE TRUTH LIKE THEY TWIST THIS CITY’S FUCKING SHAME GLOBES AND IF ANYTHING I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD SYMPATHIZE WITH MY ROILING DISGUST CONSIDERING YOUR FORMER PROFESSION.........
YOU KNOW, YOUR JOB THAT UNTIL TWO WEEKS AGO YOU WERE GAINFULLY EMPLOYED IN?.....
JADE? THAT WAS KIND OF AN OPENING FOR YOU TO, YOU KNOW....
ugggh karkat! its too early in the morning for exposition!
BUT NOT TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO IMPINGE UPON THE GOOD NAME OF THE SUFFERER, I SEE. HOW TYP —
karkat, shut up!!! look at the tv! D:
==>THE BROADCAST CONTINUES!
-—SHOW NEWS REPORT—-
<3 ~ — was sighted at the scene of the crime if any dear and noble citizen of paradox city has information on this very mysterious individual we would implore you to contact your local action news crisis line and tell us everything you know please and thank you ~ <3
<3 ~ now stay tuned for your daily update on the sports with our lovely sportscaster ~ <3
OH MY FUCKING UPSIDE-DOWN IN A VAT OF BOILING WIGGLER VOMIT TROLL JESUS.
shh shhhhh calm down! the neighbours will complain again
and i always have to come up with the dumbest explanations about why you cant control your voice D:
they think you are in a custody battle with your ex-troll wife over a clutch of eggs that havent hatched yet
WOW THAT’S RACIST. EGGS??
i dont know!!! im not good with people! i didnt know what to say!!
OH GOD. GAMZEE IS APPARENTLY AT LARGE AGAIN AND THE FUCKING NEIGHBOURS THINK THAT TROLLS ARE BORN IN SPIDER EGGS. OH MAN OH GOD OH FUCK OH MAN OH GOD
ahh!!!!! dont have a panic attack!
OH MAN OH GOD OH FUCK OH MAN OH GO —
uh sh... ooosh?
YOU. ARE. REALLY...
...BAD AT THIS.
what do you expect?? im not your moirail you know :(
MY MOIRAIL IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE MAKING HEADLINES ON THE EIGHT AM NEWS.
karkat its been years and years
is he really still your
NO FINISHING THAT SENTENCE.
...WHY DIDN’T TEREZI TELL ME?
==>BE THE ONE WHO DOESN’T TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY DON’T NEED TO KNOW
-—SHOW INCONVENIENT CELLPHONE CALL LOG—-
H3LLO MR STR1D3R 1 HOP3 TH4T YOU B3H4V1NG YOURS3LF TOD4Y
1N YOUR ROL3 4S 4N 1NNOCUOUS C1V1L14N 1N 4N 1ND1SP3NS1BL3 4ND P3RF3CTLY 1NNOC3NT OCCUP4T1ON
terezi how many times do i gotta tell you not to call me at work
YOU C4LL M3 4T WORK 4LL TH3 T1M3!
yeah on my break
1 DO NOT H4V3 ‘BR34KS’ D4V3
B3C4US3 TH3 L4W N3V3R SL33PS
tell me about it you had me up so late last night i barely got ten minutes of zs
WH4T 4 ST4T3M3NT SUBJ3CT TO COM3D1C M1SUND3RST4ND1NG!
i know right
gets us a goddamn laugh track over here
this better be important
1 JUST W4NT3D TO T3LL YOU WH3R3 1 4M GO1NG 1N C4S3 1 DONT R3TURN
4ND 4LSO TH4T....
YOU W3R3 4 GOOD P4RTN3R D4V3
1 4PPR3C14T3D OUR T1M3 TOG3TH3R
3V3N 1F YOUR T4ST3 1N P1ZZ4 W4S QU3ST1ON4BL3
woah woah wait back it up
what the hell are you going on about
1 4M 4BOUT TO 3MB4RK ON 4 M1SS1ON 1N TH3 COLD 4ND UNFORG1V1NG L1GHT OF D4Y
1 KNOW TH4T 1T 1S D4NG3ROUS TO F1GHT CR1ME OUT OF TH3 S4F3TY OF TH3 SH4DOWS BUT TH1S 1S N3C3SS4RY
could you maybe do something useful like explain the specifics of the plan or even just provide a dude with a melodrama to english dictionary
D4V3 SOM3T1M3S YOU 4R3 NO FUN
part and parcel of the profession tz
BLUH BLUH HUG3 BOR3
uh yeah kids how about you go touch the xylophones
==>CONTINUE TO WASTE THE LEARNING TIME OF OUR PRECIOUS FUTURE
-—SHOW INCONVENIENT CELLPHONE CALL LOG—-
R3M3MB3R WH4T 1 3XPL41N3D TO YOU L4ST N1GHT WH1L3 W3 W3R3 W4LK1NG OFF 4LL THOS3 3MPTY C4LOR13S FROM TH3 P1ZZ4?
yeah about how the guy who jacked our witness used to be some old friend of yours or whatever
1 W4S 4 LOT MOR3 SP3C1F1C TH4N TH4T D4V3!
had a lot of lesson plan to jam in after my oh thirty two seconds of sleep
W3LL 1 GU3SS TH4T C4NT B3 H3LP3D
H3 GOT SH3LV3D Y34RS 4GO 4FT3R B31NG D33M3D UNF1T TO S3RV3 4S 4 H3RO
BUT H3 W4S W34R1NG F3LT DUDS L4ST N1GHT
so what the dude fails his exam and goes rogue
not entirely unheard of
4CTU4LLY 1T 1S!
D4V3 D1DNT YOU R34D TH3 F1N3 PR1NT ON OUR CONTR4CT?
V1L3 CORP. 1S STR1CTLY FORB1DD3N FROM T4K1NG 1N 4NYON3 WHO F41LS TH31R H3RO1C PSYCH 3X4M
G4MZ33 W4S NOT “ROGU3”. H3 W4S WORK1NG FOR TH3 F3LT
4ND TH4T 1S TOT4LLY
dont get too excited tz
this is getting a little x rated
im around children here
H4 H4 TH1S 1S S3R1OUS
1 4M GO1NG TO H4V3 4 T4LK W1TH TH3 H34D OF V1L3 CORP. TO H34R WH4T SH3 H4S TO S4Y FOR H3RS3LF
oh that sounds like a pretty stupid thing to do
awesome good luck
TH4NK YOU 4S 4LW4YS FOR YOUR CONC3RN!!
1 H4V3 4 CR1M1N4L TO C4TCH SO 1 H4V3 TO GO BUT 1F YOU DONT H34R FROM M3 BY N1N3 PM PL34S3 COM3 R3SCU3 M3
i cant actually hear you waggling your eyebrows you know
STOP R1GHT TH3R3, PUNK!!
YOU TURN 1NTO TH4T ON3-W4Y 4ND 1 W1LL R3MOV3 YOUR THUMBS
==>BE TEREZI. BEGIN MISSION.
You take a break. You’re not even on the clock. You just take your duties as a traffic cop very seriously! As you have explained to Dave, traffic law is the very primal heart of coppery: it is the first and most fundamental celebration of order. Dave generally does not listen because he is sadly brushing child spittle off his pants.
But you have bigger worries on your mind than wiggler saliva. The reappearance of Gamzee Makara bedecked in lime is not merely a mystery. It is foreboding. It bodes harder than even the events of two weeks ago. Gamzee’s funny green suit and villainous descent is just the smelliest omen to date.
-—SHOW MONOLOGUE LOG—-
TH1S C1TY 1S DY1NG OF SP1T BO1L1NG B4RKB34ST D1S34S3
1S TH3 B3ST 1 C4N DO TO T3ND3RLY L1CK TH3 FL3CKS OF FO4M 4W4Y FROM 1TS MOUTH?
==>CONTINUE TO VILE CORP
Vile Corp. The place where it all begins. Their administrator is one of the city’s most powerful players in this high-stakes game of Guess Who, the mystery-face game... where people die.
Thankfully for you, you have contacts. You know Vile Corp’s administrator well. She’s one of the most dangerous women you know, and you have a little black book so full of dangerous women it should be a stick of dynamite in a negligee.
Her secretary is only vaguely less dangerous.
Terezi! T)(is is unexperc)(ted!
P31X3S TH4T W4S NOT ON3 OF YOUR B3TT3R PUNS
I )(ad to t)(ink of it on t)(e flyfis)(. 38(
TH4T W4S ONLY M4RG1N4LLY B3TT3R >:]
SO 1 H4V3 W4ND3R3D 1NTO TH1S WR3TCH3D P4L4C3 OF S1N TO S33 YOUR D4RK M1STR3SS
Ps)()()(. My dark mistress needs an APPOINTM-ENT, you know.
1 TH1NK SH3 W1LL S33 M3 APPO1NTM3NT OR NO 4PPO1NTM3NT
Glub! Ms. Snowman is out to lunc)(, Terezi.
HORS3SH1T! SH3 H4S N3V3R L3FT H3R D3SK FOR LUNCH, L3T 4LON3 TH3 BU1LD1NG!
1 D3M4ND 3NTRY >:[
You know I could just let you float around reel easy, drifting out in t)(e current and never let you spot land, RIG)(T? T)(at you could be beac)(ed here forever and ever if I felt pacifically in t)(e mood?
4LL YOU D3S1R3 FROM M3 1S 4 Y3S, PR1NC3SS CR4NB3RRY S4UC3
)(ee )(ee. 38D
You get complaicent if I just let you t)(rash all over me! Don’t begrudge me )(aving some fun, okay? If I don’t provide you a little opposition t)(en you are in danger of glubbing rusting s)(ut.
TH1S 1S NOT OPPOS1T1ON! TH1S 1S B4S1C4LLY JUST YOU TR34D1NG OV3R M3 1N YOUR FR1VOLOUS SP1K3D H33LS FOR TH3 SH3LL OF 1T!
You used a fis)( pun, so I will allow you to proceed wit)(out )(arm.
But if you want me to fit you into my spiked )(eel sc)(edule I can try for Tuesday?
TH1S OFF3R 1S 3XC3SS1V3LY T3MPT1NG BUT 1 W1LL H4V3 TO D3CL1N3
It’s okay, I was just fucking wit)( you. 38)
==>WALK INTO VILE CORP’S VILE DEN
1 4M CURR3NTLY 1NCOGN1TO, 4ND 1T 1S G4UCH3 TO B3 OP3N 4BOUT WH4T W3 BOTH KNOW!
Saves time. If nicety is your concern, Ms. Pyrope, then allow for small talk. How is Vriska and that floppy-haired human fool?
OH H3 1S 4S FLOPPYH41R3D HUM4N 4ND FOOL1SH 4S 3V3R
SH3 S33MS H4PPY, WH1CH 1 SUPPOS3 1S WH4T COUNTS
She was a loss. A great deal of potential.
TYPH3US 1S GOOD FOR H3R
1 TH1NK TH3 M4RQU1S3 PROV3D 4MPLY TH3 R34SONS 4S TO WHY VR1SK4 S3RK3T SHOULD NOT B3 4LLOW3D TO RUN R1OT >:[
And you never feel a twinge at the removal of your rival?
NOT 4 ON3!
Gauche to lie about what we both know, Ms. Pyrope.
This isn’t a social call. Speak your concern.
MY CONC3RN 1S W1TH TH3 1LL3G4L 1NT3RS3CT1ON OF V1LL41NS 4ND ORG4N1Z3D CR1M3, WH1CH 4S YOU V3RY P3RSON4LLY KNOW 1S 1LL1C1T 4S 4LL H3LL!
Once a lawyer, always a lawyer.
Sit down. My secretary will get us coffee.
JUST 4 T4ZO ® P4SS1ON ™ BR3W3D T34 © 3XTR4 HOT NO FO4M 4DD3D R3D ® PL34S3
STR1D3R 4ND 1 4R3 CUTT1NG OUT TR4NS F4TS
==>DRINK THE DRINKS OF VILLAINY
1 L1K3 WH4T YOUV3 DON3 W1TH TH3 PL4C3 BY TH3 W4Y TH3 GR33N FL4M3S 4R3 V3RY 3LDR1TCH
I get a tax write-off for decor.
Accusation of Vile Corp involvement with the mob is one with weight, Ms. Pyrope. Any villain taking gang money would find themselves abruptly shelved.
TH1S W1LL B3 ON3 OF YOUR N3W N1GHTT1M3 GOONS
4N 1ND1GO-BLOOD3D TROLL 1NT3RRUPT3D 4 CLOCK ST1NG WH1L3 OP3NLY W34R1NG F3LT 1NS1GN14!
H3 WOULD 1D3NT1FY 4S M4L3, B3 4ROUND S1X FOOT THR33, D1DNT G1V3 4N 4L14S BUT TH3 R34L N4M3 1S M4K4R4, 4LTHOUGH TH3R3 1S TH3 POSS1B1L1TY H3 H4S CH4NG3D 1T
FOR TH3 R3CORD H3 H4D HORS3POW3RS BOW WH1CH 1 HOP3 YOU W1LL 4GR33 1S JUST T4CKY >:[
1 4M SUR3 YOU W1LL W4NT TO 4VO1D FURTH3R P3RSON4L 4SSOC14T1ON OF V1L3 CORP W1TH TH3 F3LT, M4D4M D1R3CTOR
Improbable. The Felt would no more take one of my employees than the Midnight Crew would Madame Murel’s girls.
TH3 R1GHT CL4W DO3S NOT 4LW4YS KNOW WH4T TH3 L3FT CL4W 1S DO1NG!
Don’t patronize me, Pyrope. I’m checking up on the matter as we speak.
Your problem is that you become too married to your gut-instinct hypotheses.
WH1CH M34NS >:?
Why assume that this troll was one of mine?
==>WHAT A DEVELOPMENT!!
-— SHOW PROM LOG —-
L3X P4RS1MON43! TH3 S1MPL3ST 3XPL4N4T1ON 1N COMP3T1NG HYPOTH3S3S T3NDS TO PROV1D3 TH3 CORR3CT ON3!
TH3 1NT3RRUPT1ON OF OFF1C14L SUP3RH3RO BUS1N3SS
H1S 4PP34R4NC3 SOLO!
1ND1C4T1NG H1NTS OF SUP3RPOW3RS 4ND TH3 P3RSON4L 4SP3CT 4ND 4LSO
Pipe down, Ms. Pyrope.
There is no indigo-blooded troll meeting your description on my employee roll, current or past. Illusory correlation. Your only evidence was Felt gear.
Don’t ask if I’m sure. You’d overstep your boundary.
1F YOULL P4RDON TH3 PUN!
1 4POLOG1Z3 FOR 4NY T1M3 W4ST3D 4ND 1 4LSO 4PPR3C14T3 TH3 1NFORM4T1ON
TH4NK YOU FOR TH3 1NT3RV13W 4ND FOR TH3 L4V1SH 4MOUNTS OF R3D SYRUP © BUT NOW 1 SHOULD B3 L34V1NG 1MM3D14T3LY
Word of advice. Don’t get involved with English right now.
1S TH4T 4 W4RN1NG >:?
It’s not a threat.
1F YOU KNOW SOM3TH1NG 1 WOULD 4PPR3C14T3 B31NG TOLD —
You’re not a child any more. Life’s short.
Let it lie.
You suddenly understand jack shit.