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The Muppet Show with Our Very Special Guest: Alton Brown

Chapter Text

Scooter knocked briskly on the dressing room door. This was one of his favorite parts of the job. "Mr. Brown? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Brown. Do you have everything you need?"

"I think so Scooter. Measuring cups?"

"Here." "Here." "Here." They clustered around his feet jumping up and down in their excitement.


Two spoons jumped up and played a rousing tune on Alton Brown's knee, his head and the desk.

"I'll take that as a yes," Alton said with a smile. "Pressure cooker?"

"Heeerrrrrrrrrrrrreeee." The pressure cooker was so excited, it blew its top.

Alton Brown and Scooter watched the trajectory as it flew through the window with a mighty crash.

"Perhaps you should consider something a little less explosive for the cooking segment, Mr. Brown."

"You may be right, Scooter." Alton gave a benevolent smile to the now topless cooker, which looked incredibly embarrassed.

The opening number had started as usual and Kermit breathed a sigh of relief. There was so much that could go wrong with a show, and it sometimes seemed like everything that could go wrong had gone wrong with the show over the years. He could see Statler and Waldorf in their usual box and as usual, he was glad that the music was too loud to hear what they were complaining about this time. All he had to worry about now was that representative from Disney coming to check out their investment. And to hope no one got eaten while he was here.

"...on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational. This is what we call the Muppet Show." Gonzo blew his horn on cue, only to produce a great bear growl.

Kermit sighed and focused on moving people off stage for his introduction. Someday Gonzo might learn to blow that horn properly, but today was not it. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome back. We've got a great show cooked up for you with our very special guest, Mr. Alton Brown. But first we'll start with a performance of the Lobster Chorus."

The curtain opened to reveal a box in a kitchen. The box lid opened as the music started.

So hot
Out of the box
Can we pick up the pace
Turn it up, heat it up
I need to be entertained

Four lobsters, bedecked in gold chains had emerged and they were dancing about the kitchen, pinching at anything that moved.

Push the limit, are you with it?
Baby, don't be afraid
Imma hurt you real good, baby.

There were screams from the kitchen implements.

Let's go it's my show, baby, do what I say
Don't trip off the glitz that I'm gonna display
I told you, Imma hold ya down until you're amazed
Give it to ya til you're screamin' my name

There was chaos as the fruits and vegetables tried to flee.

Alton Brown entered stage left.

No escaping when I start
Once I'm in I own your heart
There's no way to ring the alarm
So hold on until it's over.

He danced around the kitchen, filling a pot with water in the process.

Do you know what you got into?
Can you handle what I'm 'bout to do?
'Cause it's about to get rough for you.
I'm here for your entertainment

The lobsters danced toward Alton Brown menacingly as he placed the pot on the stove.

I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet.
You thought an angel swept you off your feet.
But I'm about to turn up the heat,
I'm here for your entertainment.

Alton turned up the heat and then swung back to face the gang of lobsters.

'S'all right
You'll be fine
Baby I'm in control
Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til you're totally blown.

The water steamed and boiled as Alton caught the first lobster, divested it of its gold chains and threw it into the pot.

No escaping when I start
Once I'm in I own your heart
There's no way to ring the alarm
So hold on 'til it's over

A second lobster followed the first.

Do you know what you got into?
Can you handle what I am about to do?
'Cause it's about to get rough for you
I'm here for your entertainment.

Lobster three was thrown in.

Oh I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet
You thought an angel swept you off your feet
But I'm about to turn up the heat
I'm here for your entertainment

The last one tried to escape. Alton backed it into a corner of the counter, but it skittered under his hands.

Do you like what you see?
Let me entertain ya 'til you scream

The last lobster headed towards the stove to try to rescue his buddies.

Do you know what you got into?
Can you handle what I am about to do?
'Cause it's about to get rough for you
I'm here for your entertainment.

Alton's hands came down and trapped the last lobster and he joined the others in the pot.

I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet
You thought an angel swept you off your feet
But I'm about to turn up the heat
I'm here for your entertainment

Wiping the sweat from his brow, Alton calmly melted butter on the stove and prepared to enjoy a lobster dinner.

Up in the balcony, Statler commented to Waldorf, "Now that's what I call Good Eats."

So much for a show where no one got eaten. Kermit supposed it was inevitable, but he could hear applause anyway. The gruesome sketches did go over well even if they played havoc with the insurance.

"Hallo, would you, perhaps, be Kermit the Frog?" The voice had a British accent.

He looked up from his notes to see a familiar orange-brown bear. "Mr. Pooh. It is an honor to see you here at our little theater. I knew Disney was sending someone over." He'd expected a lesser name, not one of their top stars.

"Please, call me Winnie-the-Pooh. I pulled a few strings, you see." Just as Winnie-the-Pooh was about to explain, a familiar brown furry shape exploded from the side entrance.

"There you are," Fozzie said as he barreled into the other bear and gave him a great big hug. "He's the rich and famous one, but I got all the talent." He waggled his eyebrows at them.

This was so patently untrue that the other two ignored it.

But Winnie-the-Pooh hugged him back. "How's my favourite bear cousin? As I was just telling Kermit, I pulled some strings to get this gig. Now that we're both with Disney, maybe you could come round more often."

"Awww, wasn't that nice of you. I thought we'd be stuck with the mouse. And we've got enough mice in the studio already." A row of mice walked past, glaring at Fozzie, but he didn't even notice. "Anyway, I have a great idea for a dual act, if you don't mind slumming."

"Will there be honey?" Winnie-the-Pooh asked.

"But of course. Come with me to the canteen and we'll scare some up."

The two bears left, talking animatedly and Kermit shook his head and went back to work. At least, if the Disney rep liked Fozzie, they weren't apt to shut the show down.

"Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork! bork! Bork!" The Swedish chef was rummaging about in the kitchen set, singing, with Alton Brown beside him.

"Tudey I em gueeng tu beke-a huney cuukeees veet my guud freeend, Eltun Broon" He started throwing equipment behind him. "Furst zee ingredeeents. Ve-a need zee fluoor, zee, igg, zee bootter und zee huney. Bork Bork Bork!"

Alton grabbed a mixing bowl as the Chef prepared to throw it. "I think we'll need that." This continued for a few minutes as the Chef would prepare to throw something (a spatula, a whisk, a baking sheet) and Alton grabbed it from his hands. Finally the Swedish Chef unearthed the flour, a clucking chicken and a churn and passed them to Alton, who looked rather helpless at this point.

"Vhere-a is zee huney? Ve-a cun't meke-a zee huney cuukeees veethuoot huney. Bork Bork Bork!" The Swedish Chef was scrambling even more furiously than before, if that were possible.

Alton ducked as a barrage of irons came at his head (including a five iron, a waffle iron and a tire iron). He blinked. "Have you ever considered a career as an Iron Chef?" he asked as an iron meteorite nearly hit him. " Perhaps not, I think in this case, discretion might be the better part of valor." He dropped everything except the chicken and dashed for the stage door, to the sound of crashes, broken glass and chicken clucks.

The curtain opened on the Muppet News room, and a low buzzing could be heard in the background.

"This is a Muppet News Flash. We've just got word that there is a severe honey shortage. I repeat, a severe honey shortage. If you've got honey, you might want to put it under lock and key, in case there is a stick up." The buzzing has got louder. "Ow. Ow." The Newscaster started waving his hands wildly to wave off the bees that had surrounded him. "I didn't take your honey," he protested, as the curtain mercifully came down.

"No, I don't know why they're out of honey, Pooh. We can get you some after the show, I promise. Now about that double act." Fozzie gave his cousin his most pleading of expressions.

"Oh, alright, but I'll expect honey later. I'm starting to get a little rumbly in my tumbly," Pooh grumbled.

Kermit rushed up to them. "Fozzie, there you are. Have you seen the other bears?"

"What other bears?" Fozzie asked worriedly. "You're not replacing me, are you, Kermit?"

"No, no. I just needed them for the hippopotamus sketch."

"The hippopotamus sketch?" Fozzie drew out the word to express his disbelief. "Don't you need hippopotamuses for the hippopotamus sketch? I do not understand why you would need bears as well."

Kermit looked slightly embarrassed. "Its that famous hippo dance troupe. The one that performed in Fantasia. They're insisting on doing Waltzing with Bears."

Scooter dashed up. "Kermit, you know the bears you hired for the hippopotamus sketch? We think they stole the honey. Miss Piggy discovered they'd hid it all in her dressing room and she is furious. She's captured two of the bears, so we're two short. We need one bear for every hippo."

"I can imagine. Honey theft? Really?" He thought he'd seen everything. Now this.

"It is okay, Kermit. Pooh and I are very good at waltzing. We can be the bears in the hippopotamus sketch," Fozzie offered. "And we can make sure they don't escape before the sketch is over and the police get here."

"I'm better at hums than at dancing," Pooh Bear said dubiously, but he let his cousin drag him on to the stage.

He goes wa-wa-wa-wa, wa-waltzing with bears,
Raggy bears, shaggy bears, baggy bears too.
There's nothing on earth Uncle Walter won't do,
So he can go waltzing, wa-wa-wa-waltzing,
So he can go waltzing, waltzing with bears!

The number started well. But the hippos and strange bears were graceful and light on their feet and neither Fozzie nor Pooh were. And all it took was a single trip.

"You're ruining our number," one of the hippos cried as she leapt through the air.
Hippos are tenacious and noted perfectionists.

"You're not part of our troupe," one of the bears said, glaring at Pooh and Fozzie. "Stop messing us up."

Pooh ducked out of the way of a flying bear. "You stole the honey. Why should we help you."

"They what?" Another of the hippos asked. "Stealing is wrong."

"It's our honey," another bear protested as he twirled around the stage. "I don't know what happened to yours."

"Aha!" Fozzie said.

"Aha! What?" his cousin answered.

"Do you see what I see?" One of the bears had a label sticking to the back of his costume. "Can you read it? He's moving too fast."

"It says- Oh, dear, if only he'd slow down." Pooh threw a small pot down at the strange bear's feet where it landed with a crash and another step left the bear stuck in a small pool of honey that was forming. "Emergency rations," Pooh explained. "Now I can see the label, though - Muppet Labs extra-sticky honey."

"That proves it. They had to have gotten the honey from the studio," Fozzie shouted.

That was all the hippos needed. They advanced on the other bears.

"I think perhaps, we should make a hasty retreat, cousin."

"I do believe you are right," Pooh grabbed Fozzie's paw and the two ducked and weaved between the hippos and the bears. They ran through the stage door and paused, out of breath.

Meanwhile, the dance had turned into a brawl. Hippos also have a strong sense of justice, and they weren't about to let the bears get away with this. Without Fozzie and Kermit, the bears were outnumbered and it was only a matter of time before they were were subdued.

"We've just about reached the end of the show," Kermit yelled over the sounds of the hippos and bears fighting in the background. "But before we go, this is Kermit the Frog asking for one more round of applause for our very special guest Alton Brown. Who is, I'm sure, looking forward to returning to his own peaceful show."

Alton Brown absently reached out a leg and tripped a bear who was trying to escape. "Honestly, Kermit, it felt just like home here."

Some yeast popped up. "Can we go back to the kitchen before we get trampled."

"Ah, there you are. I wondered what had happened to you," Alton replied

"Nothing's happened to us. Yet," the yeast replied looking warily at the hippos.

The rest of the bears ran past, followed by the hippos in mad pursuit.

"And on that note, I think I shall say good night. Good Night," Kermit said as the end theme started. He nodded to himself as the crowd applauded. It certainly wasn't the worst show they'd ever produced.