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In The Beginning

Chapter Text

It came to pass that Ceiling Cat looked down at his people from his lofty perch in the attic of a pretty nice house, and saw that while his people were sleek and adorable and good at hunting mice and birds, they were not satisfied with their lot in life. They had no one to pet them or to cuddle them when they felt like it, or to give them food that they did not have to catch themselves, or to brush their fur when they were in the mood to accept such treatment. They did not have anyone to serve them and cater to their needs, to give them the affection that they all felt that they deserved.

And Ceiling Cat, seeing this, was deeply troubled, and in a voice that echoed loudly through the pretty nice house he lamented. "O noes!" he said, bowing his head. "Cats can haz frendz nao plz?"

And so Ceiling Cat gave Catkind a gift. He called out to that which cats call "hoomans," and made Catkind irrestible to them. Soon the hoomans were petting and cuddling the cats and offering them rich gifts of all sorts - catnip, rich foods like tuna and the prized cheeseburgers, and warm places to sleep. And Ceiling Cat saw this from his lofty perch, and he said, "O hai hoomans, u do gud, I go sleep nao." And so Ceiling Cat rested, believing his work to be done.

But from his dark, deep prison in the drafty basement of the pretty nice house, Basement Cat stared up at the cats and their hoomans, and raged. "OMG! Teh rest of Catkind iz happier than mi! Do not want!" But he fumed for many days, knowing well that he could not undo what Ceiling Cat had done, yet knowing that if he did not do something, this peace and happiness would last for eternity. And Basement Cat didn't like peace and happiness, not when he had to live in a dark drafty basement that always smelled funny and didn't have any cheeseburgers in it at all.

And so, after much thought, Basement Cat knew what he had to do. "I no!" he declared in a terrible voice that pierced through the minds of all Catkind. "I ask dem 2 help mi!"

And so it was that Basement Cat, using his own dark powers, made another animal irresistible to hoomankind. They called themselves "goggies," and they were very simple creatures - dirty, smelly and enthusiastic about their new position by the sides of the hoomans. But to Catkind they were a terrible curse, taking food and attention from the hoomans that should have been rightfully theirs. Catkind attempted to deter them using their sharp pointy claws, but even that only distracted the goggies for a moment, after which they would go right back to trying to play with their new "bestest friends."

And Basement Cat saw the chaos, and he laughed a terrible laugh, for he had subverted Ceiling Cat's gift, and he knew that it was good. And so he curled up in his dank, smelly basement and went to sleep, knowing that Ceiling Cat would not have his way after all.

And so Catkind lives on to this day, sharing their hooman servants with the goggies. Some of them have formed a sort of alliance with the smelly creatures, while others remain fierce enemies, but one thing is certain - thanks to Basement Cat's wickedness, they will never be rid of the goggies. However, Ceiling Cat's blessing keeps them in the good graces of the hoomans, and so they live in some measure of contentment.

The goggies, fortunate beasts that they are, still have no idea what's going on.