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Excuses, Excuses, and more Excuses

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•––◘––•

Dear Hawke,

I am sorry to say it but I have diagnosed Fenris with Arainai syndrome. It is a rare, grave, and contagious disease that could take weeks of intensive rutting care to cure depending on how severe the case is. And I have yet to discern the severity of his case.

Perhaps you shouldn’t have taken him with you, in your month long outing at Sundermount without me. Regardless it’s too late now. He will require my intimate attention for the duration of a week month for good measure.

And since the disease is contagious I would ask you and the rest (especially Isabela as with her lifestyle, she is most vulnerable to it), not to visit with in the given time frame (don't worry about me; I know how to treat it after all).

Your ever charming healer of Darktown,
Anders

P.S.: I mean it when I said stay away Hawke. You’re not our dad, so no family visits. And beside we’re both grown men. And Fenris promises not to hurt me (not counting the bite marks he plans on leaving all over me or the aches I'll be feeling after he's done fuck me in every room in his mansion for the entire month.). Alright this is getting long enough and Fenris is threatening to throw me over his shoulder like a Chisand Barbarian making off with the spoils of victory I have other needy patients to take care off.

•––◘––•

Dear Hawke,

I won't be able to accompany you and Isabela to the Blooming Rose later for your investigation due to a broody Tevinter elf patient who will need me over night. So I'll return the ridiculous skimpy robes you wanted me to wear later tomorrow sometime in the future, when I have the time.

Your personal Fenris's personal healer,
Anders

P.S.: Why didn't you tell me you taught Fenris to read? He is now reading this note as I write it. So don't blame me if he tears the skimpy robes off me in the heat of the moment. I could have sent it back in one piece if you had warned me.

•––◘––•

Dear Hawke,

I won't be able to go with you to that noble party later. Because Messere Patrick keeps trying to feel me up I have a very important mage underground meeting later, it's very important. Sorry, it was a last minute thing. I can't miss it. Or Justice won't let me miss it. It is already unjust to lie! But must you blame me for everything? Just speak the truth! The mortal noble had asked you to remove your clothing for him in the last of mortal party then followed you around making conversation with you whilst constantly touching our backside for some reason. Was he trying to pick our pockets? If so his hand was in the wrong place, our pockets were on our thigh. Justice... How can you still not know? What? What do I still not know. Was he trying to distract us? Sigrun constantly poked me in the back while I was deep in thought. Was that what he was doing? Ah, Justice... just forget about it.

So yes, I can't go. Take care. Be sure to remember my tips on how to fit in with the rich society snobs. Because Maker knows you'll never fit in other wise.

The most wanted apostate in Kirkwall (by the Templars),
Anders

•––◘––•

Dear Hawke,

Isabela can't accompany us today on account of being threatened with bodily harm for constantly writing friend fiction about me and Fenris; together or with other people, especially with other people. Because he is a possessive git having heard something about her relic. She shall be busy following her lead instead of following us as we traipse about the wounded coast.

Sincerely the dashing healer,
Anders

P.S.: Why were you telling me to bring a towel and extra clothes? What are you planning?

•––◘––•

Dear Hawke,

Anders will not be able to accompany you in any of your trips due to a fever which might I remind you, you caused. I don't see why you thought it amusing to push him into the underground lake. Alright it was... mildly... amusing at first. But to make him stay with us afterwards in his soaked robes, did not do him any favors Hawke and I saw you looking at him when he removed it, dress in nothing but his damp somewhat transparent tunic. Stay away. He is my mage. Find your own. There are dozens in the Circle.

One of Anders' regulars patients,
Risfen

•––◘––•

Dear Hawke,

Varric can't accompany us to the Merchant Quarter as the other guild members think he's out of town he has food poisoning from the unidentifiable thing you cooked yesterday when you invited us over for dinner. Seriously Hawke what was it? And more importantly what was in it? What sort of ingredients did you use to make that? Were they from the void? It didn't agree with his delicate stomach. Actually Merrill was the one who got sick because of it... yet I am writing a note for someone who isn't. What does that say about me?

The very professional healer of Darktown,
Anders

P.S.: Next time you plan to invite us over for dinner, tell me. I'll cook. I spent a lot of time cooking in taverns for coin during my run away days. (Did I mention all my employers said I was good)

•––◘––•

Dear Hawke,

Merrill and I won't be able to join you as you run around Hightown. Merrill has gotten a bit of a rash due to an allergic reaction to something I have yet to identify. This has nothing to do with the fact her neighbor's cat had kitten and is leave them with her because he's uncomfortable with leaving them alone while he goes to work at the docks. It all just coincidental that is all.

With giddy joy,
Anders

•––◘––•

Dear Viscount Dumar,

While Hawke would love to assist you, however our recent scuffle with Slavers where he heroically save us from sure defeat had left him with severe burns that lucky didn’t harm his perfect beard that would have been a shame, for no beard is as perfect as his. Why do you want me to talk about your beard Hawke? What does your beard have to do with your burns.

Anyway he is confined to his bed chambers ‘till further notice.

Sign a normal non-magical healer,
Anders

P.S.: Please send Aveline because the burns aren’t really that severe, she’ll get him off his arse. Please? I don’t want to be stuck here give him and Isabela massages. Their holding a kitten captive and I can’t leave a kitten here with that brute of a dog that keeps sniffing me in uncomfortable and rude places. You know what? Someone tell Fenris that Isabela wants me to join in a threesome with her and Hawke.

•––◘––•

Dear Hawke,

Fenris has suffered a relapse of Arainai syndrome, thus shall once again require me to stay with him for a we- month again. Seeing me pinned beneath your almost naked self on the bed no less, did not help. And now he wants me to stay with him to prove I wasn’t unfaithful. Then he used his wounded puppy dog look to guilty me into it. Curse my infernal weakness. It was unfair of you to abuse Anders ticklish sides for your amusement. I was not amused, I don't understand why you would torture someone you call a friend. Cousland referred to Anders as a friend but she did not tickle him so. She got me to wear a dress and dance the Remigold, in front all the other Grey Wardens and Keep Soldiers. I don't understand what that has to do with this? She won fairly in a contest of the drinks. And you dance more than just the Remigold and you did that out of your own will. Just let me finish this letter alright. Very well.

As I was saying don't bother us for a month.

The apostate everyone enjoys abusing (If they abuse you they shall feel Justice's wrath! It's just a joke Justice. Abuse is no laughing matter.),
Anders

•––◘––•

Dear Arianni,

Feynriel has developed elipsaphobia and only the Dalish can help him. So he would like me to inform you he can't go to the Circle as his condition will undoubtedly get worse to the point his face would be cover in hives and other gruesome things. But worry not, the Keeper has assured me that they have the knowledge to help him thru this difficult time.

Slightly confuse healer of Darktown,
Anders

P.S.: Why do the Dalish need me to write Feynriel an excuses couldn't Keeper Marethari do this?