Chapter Text
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --
AT: oK, i KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING AND,
AT: pLEASE DON'T BLOCK ME,
GG: uuuughhhh!!!!
GG: why wont you guys leave me alone???? >:O
AT: yOU'RE THE ONE WHO DISPENSES ACTUAL USEFUL ADVICE, RIGHT,
AT: i TALKED TO YOUR SEER,
AT: sHE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT BARN MONSTERS AND SCIENCE,
AT: iT WAS REALLY THE MOST AWFUL ADVICE,
GG: rose gives out great advice!!
GG: shes really smart
GG: you probably just did it wrong ._.
AT: oK, LOOK,
AT: i DON'T NEED YOUR CRITICISM,
AT: oR YOUR LITTLE HUMAN TEXT-FACE THINGS,
AT: i'M ASKING FOR YOUR HELP,
GG: ok....
GG: why do you need my help??
AT: yOUR KNIGHT,
AT: i'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH HIM,
AT: i'M STARTING TO THINK HE IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE,
GG: well he can be!!
GG: but thats just dave being dave
AT: nO, i MEAN,
AT: nOTHING I SAY AFFECTS HIM,
AT: hE DEFLECTS IT WITH SEXUAL INFERENCES,
AT: aND CASUALLY MENTIONING HIS HUMAN GENITALIA,
AT: i'M GETTING REALLY FRUSTRATED,
GG: if youre trying to make him mad, you should know you cant
GG: rose calls him unflappable
AT: tHAT STATEMENT SEEMS ACCURATE,
AT: bUT AT THIS POINT I'M KIND OF DONE TRYING TO TROLL HIM,
AT: i JUST WANT TO TALK,
AT: aND HE REBUFFS MY ADVANCES,
GG: wait
GG: ohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GG: i get it now!!!
GG: this is so cute!! :D
AT: wAIT, i,
AT: wHAT,
GG: you and dave
GG: you liiiiiike him!!!
GG: oh gosh i should go tell rose
AT: oK, i THINK THAT, FOR ONE,
AT: yOU'RE REALLY MISINTERPRETING THIS,
AT: aND TWO, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW UPSETTING THESE IMPLICATIONS ARE,
GG: no no no!
GG: its okay!!
GG: you dont have to be ashamed or embarrassed with me
GG: i think its really sweet and beautiful
GG: humans have an emotion called love and its really great
GG: ohhhh should i tell dave for you???
GG: he might talk to you if he knew!!!!!!
AT: uHHHH DEAR GOD NO,
AT: tHIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES,
AT: hE TURNS THE CONVERSATION TO PLACES THAT SORT OF SCARE ME,
AT: mAYBE I'LL JUST TRY YOUR SEER AGAIN,
GG: no dont go!!!
GG: i didnt mean to upset you :(
AT: iT'S OK,
AT: jUST,
AT: uHHHH,
AT: dON'T DO IT AGAIN,
AT: pLEASE,
GG: its just that dave is kind of closed off and grumpy
GG: and i thought that maybe if he had someone to love him he might open up :\
GG: so i just got really excited when you said that you liked him and you wanted to talk
GG: i thought that maybe i could get to talk with rose about planning a wedding and stuff!!
GG: i mean you would want a wedding right???
GG: i think a wedding in the fall would be so pretty!! :D
GG: then maybe somewhere nice and warm for the honeymoon
GG: or maybe someplace really cold and you could snuggle!!
AT: oK, THIS,
AT: tHIS IS SOMETHING I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE,
AT: yOU ARE FAR MORE HORRIFYING THAN I WAS LED TO BELIEVE,
GG: but i was just trying to help :(
-- adiosToreador [AT] blocked gardenGnostic [GG] --
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
GG: i did what you told me to do!!!!
TG: okay awesome
TG: you have no idea how glad i am that you wired your grandpas literal giant theme parkesque mountain of money to my bank account
TG: i could use it right about now
TG: man and to think i was gonna stop payment on the check for the yacht
TG: how ridiculous
GG: noooooo silly ._.
GG: i cant believe you would forget!!
GG: i got all dressed up for our date!!!
TG: wait
TG: what
TG: when did this happen
GG: hehehehe
GG: got you!!! <3
TG: okay im fucking confused
TG: did i tell you to be coquettish and weird or something
TG: i dont recall telling you to do that
GG: hehe actually you did!!! :D
GG: you said when one of the trolls messages me that i should try not to be so sincere
GG: and mean exactly what i say
GG: because it makes me an easy target
TG: okay well
TG: im not a troll
TG: or at least im not your troll
TG: so try not to make me spray my drink everywhere like a shitty variety show
TG: i have sensitive electronic equipment here
TG: and if it starts spitting sparks all over me because some coke is working its battery acid rampage all over the circuitry
TG: i will handspring directly off the high dive and do some intricate gymnastic shit into true madness
TG: ten point fucking oh
TG: gold medal for america in the psychotic breakdown olympics
GG: well sooooorrryyyy!! jeeeeez!!!!!!!
GG: i am not as good at this as you!!
TG: ill forgive you if you show me what you did
TG: we can go over it and you can learn from a pro
gardenGnostic [GG] sent turntechGodhead [TG] file “troll.txt”
GG: did i do okay??
TG: hmmm
TG: a little textbook
TG: but thats fine
TG: we can work on that
GG: i dont really want to work on it .__.
GG: its kind of mean!!
TG: well its not like those dbags are going to leave you alone
TG: so you might as well make it hard on them
GG: i guess.....but wouldnt it be easier to be friends??
TG: jade
TG: wizened old guys with magnificent beards have said shit about the easy way
TG: usually stuff like
TG: being friends with trolls is for fags
GG: i dont think they really said that -_-
TG: riverdancing christ
TG: im paraphrasing
TG: work with me here
TG: youll try to troll me but when its one of these tools its suddenly mean
GG: gaaaaawwwd it was a joke!!! :P
GG: and you fell for it!!
TG: like a blind man off a fucking sheer cliff face
TG: three hundred feet down to an embarrassing death
TG: but seriously
TG: you did good
TG: youre probably going to want to get something and write this down
TG: maybe chisel it onto a plaque to commemorate the moment
TG: because i dont think ill ever say this again
TG: but im pretty proud of you right now
GG: awwww!! <3 <3 <3
TG: yeah dont do that
TG: that makes it worse
GG: :3
TG: im going to go ponder my status as cool after getting taken for a ride like a pony at a fair
TG: also my status as a man
TG: thanks for the personal revelations lady planchette
TG: try not to turn into a troll monster and escape into civilization while im gone
TG: dont know what id do if a bunch of pitchfork waving villagers came busting down my door like the dominos police
TG: yelling about frankensteins magic hate ball
TG: id have to deny my hand in creating you
TG: but anyway
TG: talk to you later
GG: bye!!!!! <3
YEARS IN THE FUTURE
(but not many)
AT: i GIVE UP,
AT: tRADE WITH ME,
CG: WHAT?
CG: NO.
CG: IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU'RE HORRENDOUSLY INCOMPETENT.
CG: YOU WERE ALL ABOUT IT WHEN I STARTED UP THIS CAMPAIGN.
AT: tHAT WAS BEFORE I LEARNED ABOUT THEIR KNIGHT,
AT: hE'S PSYCHOLOGICALLY IMPERVIOUS,
AT: aND HE'S TRAINING THE OTHERS,
CG: WAIT, TRAINING?
AT: i TRIED TO SOLICIT THEIR WITCH,
CG: OH MY GOD.
AT: sHE MADE ME INCREDIBLY UPSET,
CG: YOU JUST GOT SCHOOLED BY A MAGICAL DISABLED GIRL.
CG: SHE'S A FUCKING NARCOLEPTIC.
CG: SHE WAS PROBABLY ASLEEP WHEN SHE VERBALLY SALSA DANCED ALL OVER YOUR BONE BULGE.
AT: i,
AT: wAS SHE REALLY,
CG: YOU ARE SO UNBELIEVEABLY SHITTY AT THIS.